Salutations, sleazeballs! It’s not an illusion: Kelly really is back this week! Like Brodus Clay at a buffet, let’s dig right into this pig slop!
Randy Orton is in the ring, calling Alberto del Rio a liar and a coward. As if to prove him correct, del Rio stays at the ramp when he confronts Orton and refuses to get in the ring. Wade Barrett attacks Orton from behind, setting up tonight’s main event.
Mike: Guten tag!
Kelly: That means hello in non-American.
Mike: Because American is a language now?
Kelly: Sure is. ‘Merica RULES.
Mike: Fuck. Yeah.
Kelly: Anywho. We have Orton. And…ooo…some Caramel Thunder.
Mike: He’s wearing his black scarf…must be in full-on Rudo Mode.
Kelly: Orton said the town’s name. Quick, everyone cheer! And the shit-talking commences.
Mike: Snidely Whiplash says he’s no coward but chooses to avoid Orton completely.
Kelly: Suddenly, Wade Barrett.
Mike: Looks like we have our main event.
Kelly: Should be quite…something.
Kane vs Cody Rhodes
Mike: Del Rio’s backstage with Teddy Long.
Kelly: Looks like Barrett was doing del Rio a favor. And your main event prophecy comes true.
Kelly: Now we get one half of the Rhodes Scholars to face one half of Hell No. And the other halves are making an awkward whole at the announce table.
Mike: Sandow and Bryan make a great announce team. Bryan: “I am the Tag Team Champions.” Sandow: “That is not grammatically correct.”
Kelly: I might agree.
Mike: I can’t even focus on the match. These two are awesome on the mic.
Kelly: Kane is looking at Rhodes like he’s dinner.
Mike: Cody escapes a Sidewalk Slam and hits a top rope missile drop kick.
Kelly: I love when he drops down to bitch slap his opponent.
Mike: Sandow says his beard is “geometrical perfection” and that his IQ “is approaching infinity.”
Kelly: I love that dude. Oh, and Kane just won. All of a sudden. Like magic.
Mike: It was a Chokeslam, dear.
Kelly: Ugh. That’s not what I meant. We’re not on the same page anymore. It’s like we’re drifting apart…
Mike: There’s someone else, isn’t there?
Kelly: …Big Show says some stuff and now we have Miz.
The Miz vs Yoshi Tatsu
Mike: Miz vs….Yoshi Tatsu? JBL’s right. Miz DOES need some momentum.
Kelly: Are we watching Superstars? Is that back?
Mike: Yeah. It’s called WWE Main Event now.
Kelly: Ah. Well, this is equally exciting.
Mike: By the way, I forgot to tell you something. Our esteemed colleague Chris Sanders has challenged us to find five reasons to watch Smackdown. Let’s indulge him in our closing thoughts.
Kelly: Oh! Oh! I like it!
Mike: I know you do, but I’m talking about Sanders’s challenge!
Kelly: Reason number one NOT to watch Smackdown…suffering through our recap. And all of Goji’s jokes.
Mike: It’s as brutal as your Top Ten lists.
Kelly: I’m better in small doses, yes?
Mike: You betcha.
Kelly: Exactly. Count your blessings.
Mike: Oh hey, Miz won. Look at that.
Kelly: Fancy that.
Raw Rebound: the Lumberjack match from Raw. Also on tap: Paul Heyman’s WWE Main Event promo putting over Punk and Ryback. After that we get a backstage segment with the Divas as the evidence piles up against Eve. Booker makes a Triple Threat match between her, Kaitlyn, and Layla at the PPV.
Mike: Raw Recap time!
Kelly: Holy lumberjacks, Batman.
Mike: I liked how the lumberjacks kept sending Punk in the ring for more punishment.
Kelly: I like Ryback.
Mike: And a Main Event recap, too.
Kelly: Oh wow, that’s Miz standing next to Cole. He’s looking TIRED.
Mike: Heyman does a great job of putting over both Punk and Ryback.
Kelly: It’s definitely a different match than we’re used to. Should be interesting to watch, to say the least.
Mike: Mmmm….Eve and Kaitlyn backstage at Raw.
Kelly: Kaitlyn almost ruins it when she talks. But god bless that angelic face.
Mike: Yes. Her face.
Kelly: Are we finally going to be done with this “who attacked Kelly’s girlfriend” thing?
Mike: No, because Eve tries to spin this as Teddy planted the e-mail on her iPad. Le sigh.
Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett
Mike: Looks like Orton and Barrett is our first hour’s main event.
Kelly: So you were mostly right.
Mike: “Your friend is mostly dead.”
Kelly: An old childhood rhyme comes to mind. But there’s a match happening. Wade’s beard is not holding up well against Orton.
Mike: It was a Princess Bride reference. Perhaps we ARE drifting apart…
Kelly: My train of thought simply took me elsewhere. God. UNDERSTAND ME.
Mike: THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZUUL.
Kelly: I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Mike: HELP, HELP, I’M BEING OPPRESSED!
Kelly: HEY LOOK, THERE’S WRESTLING ON. Oh wait, that wasn’t a movie quote…
Mike: Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.
Kelly: Big backbreaker by Barrett. Alliteration rules.
Mike: Huge big boot to Randy’s face!
Kelly: Followed by a very lazy clothesline and now I’m bored.
Mike: Orton goes for his superplex spot…
Kelly: Big impact, Barrett rolled over…and kicks out.
Mike: Barrett catches Orton with the Winds of Change!
Kelly: I love the move. Souvenir elbow avoided.
Mike: Backbreaker sets up the draping DDT!
Kelly: Del Rio marches his caramel ass down to the ring as Orton is punching the mat. The distraction lasts only a moment…but seems to have worked at Orton ends up with a souvenir.
Mike: Is it a pile of human feces in his duffel bag?
Mike: Del Rio wraps his fist in his scarf and punches Orton in the head. Is that supposed to make it hurt more?
Kelly: Yeah, I was kind of wondering about that. Weak.
Mike: Counter after counter, but it’s del Rio who scampers off yet again.
Eve and Aksana vs Kaitlyn and Layla
Kelly: Fozzy collaborated with M. Shadows? Neat!
Mike: I don’t know who M. Shadows is. Hey look, Divas!
Kelly: Lead singer of Avenged Sevenfold. Also once called Jericho out mid-song for being on his iPhone. God I’m gay. So yeah, boobies.
Mike: An octuplet of boobies, if you will.
Kelly: Oh, I will.
Mike: Aksana has magically reappeared. Wanna bet she takes the fall?
Kelly: I could care less. Eve is killing my buzz.
Mike: Kaitlyn’s arms scare me.
Kelly: Yeah, she’s a beast. And those things are weapons right now.
Mike: And I was wrong. Layla accidentally took Kaitlyn’s head off. Yes, WWE. We get it. Anyone can win in a Triple Threat and there are no friends.
Raw Rebound 2: the AJ Scandal (as WWE puts it) is in full effect as we get Vickie Guerrero as GM instead of Ric Flair, which is where this was all headed before the TNA lawsuit.
Mike: The AJ Scandal is on!
Kelly: AJ SCANDAL! WOO! Wait. Does this mean we have to watch her wrestle again, now that she’s no longer the boss-lady?
Mike: There’s no logic to this. AJ loses her job due to a rumor, but Vickie, who publicly kayfabe dated Dolph Ziggler, gets the job.
Kelly: Yeah, that’s the dumbest thing ever. I’m kind of over this whole thing. Especially because it’s positively dripping with a filthy TMZ feel.
Mike: And of course Cena has to be at the center of it all.
Kelly: Oh of course.
Daniel Bryan vs Damien Sandow
Mike: Kane taunts Daniel Bryan backstage, saying he’s not the weak link.
Kelly: And then gives him a loving pat on the booty. I love these guys.
Mike: What say you on this match?
Kelly: They’re similar in some good ways and I haven’t dug up a reason to dislike Sandow (yet) so I think it may be pretty good. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan lost, just to be the strong one on Sunday.
Mike: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about Rosa Mendes.
Kelly: But she’s not even…she’s off the…she’s not there…she’s…
Mike: She’s in my head.
Kelly: I see now why we drifted.
Mike: Sandow berates everyone for chanting the word “Yes!”
Kelly: He thinks his beard is better than Bryan’s. Too far.
Mike: Lots of hard-hitting moves to start things off.
Kelly: Yeah, I’ll say.
Mike: Sandow begs off DB, but kicks his leg out from under him.
Kelly: Love the elbow from Sandow. Such poise, such elegance.
Mike: How magnanimous!
Kelly: The announcers are running out of things to say. And Kane has yet to speak.
Mike: Suicide dive through the ropes!
Kelly: Kane advances towards Sandow, and Cody tosses Bryan back in the ring. Match over. Sandow is victorious.
Mike: I think you’re right about Bryan winning on Sunday.
Kelly: Really? I’m right about something involving wrestling? For once?
Big Show and Sheamus have a war of words in the ring. They argue back and forth until Sheamus decides the time for talk is over and he attacks Show. The security in the ring tries to break up the fight, so Show and Sheamus take them out. Sheamus attempts a Brogue Kick but Show escapes the ring.
Kelly: Here we go, the ever-dull “here’s the two guys who have a match this weekend, and they’re going to talk, and that’s totally it I promise” segment of the show.
Mike: I like how there’s about two dozen local jobbers….I mean, “security” in the ring.
Kelly: If this was in Phoenix, I’d probably know most of them.
Mike: I’m sure you would.
Kelly: I would!
Mike: I know. I was agreeing with you.
Kelly: I WOULD.
Mike: I KNOW. And there’s clearly no negative connotations at all.
Kelly: …how long have they been talking?
Mike: It’s been more like a whiny bitchfest.
Kelly: The Brogue Kick isn’t nearly cool enough for us to be talking about it this much.
Mike: Test did it better. There, I said it.
Kelly: Now Sheamus is verbally fellating Show.
Mike: I’d rather that than the alternative.
Kelly: Damn it. I just got that image stuck in my own head.
Mike: I hate when they pipe-in the cheers like they’re doing right now.
Kelly: I can never tell.
Mike: It’s that rising yell sound. Listen for it.
Kelly: Sheamus misses on Show again, so the poor security man eats the Brogue Kick instead. Bummer.
The “Chris Sanders Challenge”: Five Good Things About Smackdown
Mike: Instead of the usual closing thoughts, I want to list the 5 reasons why Smackdown is watchable. You down?
Mike: Here’s my 5, in no particular order:
1. The Sandow/Bryan dynamic on the mic.
2. Only two hours instead of three.
3. We only have to watch 3 minutes of Raw to get the gist of it.
4. JBL on commentary, berating Josh Mathews and spouting knowledge about wrestling’s past.
5. No John Cena.
Kelly: Alrighty. Here’s mine, also in no order:
1. Pretty consistent action, as opposed to an overdose of backstage segments and other mindless chatter.
2. Kaitlyn’s boobs.
3. Midcard talents usually gets some (not much, but some) time to shine.
4. They’re always mixing it up with the matches. Sure, sometimes they throw the same dudes together over, and over, and over, and OVER. But we often get two random-ass dudes just going at it. It’s fresh.
5. Alberto del Rio.
Mike: Damn, I completely forgot about Kaitlyn’s boobs.
Kelly: My boo is always on my mind.
Mike: Her boo(bs) are often on mine as well.
Kelly: See, that wasn’t so hard.
Mike: Too late.
Kelly: BACK OFF MY WOMAN OR ROSA GETS IT. And not the good kind of “it”.
Mike: Okay, okay! Jeez, has Aunt Flo come for an early visit? I guess that’ll do for this weekend.
Kelly: Nope. This is my normal female sassiness. Catch you next time, folks!
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, big show, Booker T, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, Hell in a Cell, jbl, john cena, Josh Mathews, Kaitlyn, kane, Kelly Floyd, Layla, Mike Gojira, Paul Heyman, randy orton, RAW rebound, ryback, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, The Miz, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, WWE Divas Championship, WWE Main Event, WWE Tag Team Championship, yoshi tatsu