Penny Candy: The One Thing Most Getting Under My Skin
by Penny Sautereau on November 8, 2013

Of all the recent developments in the world of wrestling, a lot of it bothers me for various reasons. Either it’s badly written or poorly planned out, or it’s awesome but overlooked, or it’s crap we’ve seen a billion times being rehashed with new packaging hoping we won’t notice the same tired product in the box.

I’m bothered by Kane’s corporate makeover. I’m HOPING that there’s actually a plan behind “Sharp Dressed Alan Rickman Thug” Kane, but my initial reaction to Kane in a normal average suit was “Ew”.

I’m bothered that Danielson’s main event run seems to have abruptly ended so we can see a Big Show Title Chase that precisely NO ONE wanted. (Although I WILL concede; Punk/Danielson VS The Wyatts? YES PLEASE!)

I’m bothered that Nikki Bella clearly doesn’t take ring work seriously as her sister, since Brie is clearly getting lessons from her Husband To Be and even IP’s own notorious Diva Hating misogynist prick Scott Kieth has admitted Brie is getting damned good while Nikki is still just sort of… there.

I’m bothered that despite pimping Total Divas into getting better ratings than Raw’s pulling in lately, they inexplicably continued to have Nattie play Khali’s squeeze until TJ was cleared to wrestle and only THEN decided to remember that more fans watched Nattie and TJ get married than watched Raw the past few weeks.

I’m bothered that they wasted HBK on a screwjob finish that would otherwise have set up a match fans would pay good money for that we’ll never get to see.

But the thing that bothers me most right now, that I’ve yet to see anyone mention, and might seem stupid to some?

Randy Orton’s inexplicably stupid Heel Dialect.

I understand the art of expressing character traits through inflection. I remember acting classes and wrestling training and all that lovely crap and learning how just subtly altering the way you speak can massively alter how your character is perceived. But there is NOTHING subtle about Orton’s weird habit of hyper-enunciating now. He’s never done it before, and it fails to make him sound evil or dangerous or scary.

He pronounces many words all of a sudden with excessive correctness. Like overemphasizing the t in his own last name, or pronouncing half his words in the strictest sense of correct pronunciation. I get that he’s attempting to alter his speech patterns to convey his heel persona better. I really do.

But he just bloody SUCKS at it. His monotone hyper-correct enunciating doesn’t come off as sinister or creepy. It comes off as mechanical, like Stephen Hawking’s Voice Box using Orton’s voice. He sounds robotic and stiff. We know from the Jersey Crowd raw that Orton doesn’t improv his promos like Cena or Punk get to. He clearly lacks the skills to do so. That night when we clearly saw him visibly ON CAMERA ask Sheamus what his next line was gave him away. But even though Two Strikes was a scripted promo guy, he was still usually at least competent in his delivery.

Now? In his sad attempt to actually act, he sounds like a high school drama student reading cue cards while simultaneously doing an English test.

I don’t expect an Oscar Speech from Two-Strikes. Hell I don’t even expect emotional range from him.  But he needs to stop actually trying to act extra evil. His heel antics and his natural dull monotone are more than enough to convey that he’s a bastard and we’re supposed to boo him. But promos were never his strong suit to begin with, and anyone who sat through 12 Rounds 2 knows acting sure as fuck isn’t.

He needs to stop trying to combine the two. It just isn’t working, and it’s hard to maintain my suspension of disbelief when I’m laughing at his inexplicably bad heel inflections. Two-Strikes is boring either way, but he’s normally less boring as a heel. As long as he sticks to what works. He’s just not equipped to successfully evolve his character, and he shouldn’t try.

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Penny Sautereau

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  • TheTuckster

    I do quite like your stuff and I’m not gonna troll you like a lot of the other people on here, but it’s grating when you call (some) wrestlers by their real names. We know he’s called Bryan Danielson and we know he’s TJ Wilson. Just stick with the character names please.

  • FDSwayze

    Tuckster, nobody is trolling Penny. The fact is Penny is a horrible writer than invents things to get across her own agenda while calling anyone who disagrees with her a ‘troll’. It’s pretty sad.

    For instance, Total Divas has never gotten better ratings than RAW. Total Divas averages a little more than a million viewers. RAW averages about 4 million.

    And what is this column even about? Randy Orton TALKS funny? Are you fucking kidding me?

    The truth is Penny doesn’t like Randy Orton because of an internet rumor about Randy shitting in a diva’s gym bag. The truth is the divas are only around to fuck the male wrestlers in WWE. The truth is Penny is a misogynist prick who isn’t fit to hold Scott Keith’s jockstrap. And the truth is nobody has ever ‘trolled’ Penny despite the fact that she uses that as her go-to-defense.

    The truth is…this is a horrible column with zero merit. This ‘randy orton ruins the show with how he pronounces the letter T’ bullshit is retarded.

  • waltkovacs

    You do mean misandrist right? Then again, if you can’t use the word troll right, wouldn’t be expected to use misogynist correctly.

  • Finn McInnes

    If Scott Keith is guilty of anything it’s describing, offering an opinion on and satirizing the female characters and scenarios in wrestling. It’s the industry that can be accused of being misogynist.

    I can’t stand wimmins wrasslin to the point of total dismissal…DIVAS = PISS BREAK! I don’t consider myself even slightly misogynist.

  • FDSwayze

    No, I used it correctly. I also don’t use the term ‘troll’ because I’m not a loser. I also don’t write stuff like LOL and OMG.

    So you are wrong Walt and you owe me an apology.

  • Penny Marie Sautereau

    I love it when you blatantly lie and then immediately prove you’re lying by blatantly doing the thing you claim nobody does.

  • Penny Marie Sautereau

    Nope, he’s quite right. Your whole existence is wrong. As for me bring a “terrible writer”, I have tweets from Neil Gaiman that contradict you.

  • FDSwayze

    I’ve lied about nothing which is why you can’t actually point out any lies. Try harder.

  • FDSwayze

    No, he’s wrong. And Neil Gaiman is just being nice to you. That’s why Neil Gaiman doesn’t write anything with you or never mentions you or your work anywhere. Your ‘tweets’ mean nothing.

  • Morgan T

    Whoa, it really stinks of butt-hurt whiner in here. What’s with the toddler doing the tantrum dance? It’s like listening to a pool of preschoolers chanting “I know you are, but what am I?” Until the teacher gives in and drives a screwdriver thru her own temple just to stop the noise. If you can’t articulately defend yourself when a *gasp* FEMALE has an actual point to get across, you only make yourself look more like an idiot when you whine and flail like this. Newsflash, dudebro. Feminist isn’t a bad word. But thanks for playing!

  • Penny Marie Sautereau

    You lie about everything when it comes to me kid. All I have to point out is “He typed something”. I HAVE no agenda, I have Educated Opinions You Don’t Like. I’m a very GOOD writer, and you very much ARE a troll. If you want to prove otherwise, just stop commenting on anything I say, because you are clearly incapable of ever just focusing on the topics I actually write about, or commenting without making your sad personal attacks. You are a troll, unquestionably so, you KNOW you’re a troll, and to claim otherwise is a blatant lie. Or have you again failed to notice that you’re always the last one commenting when you pick your sad obsessed little tiffs with me because once I’ve clearly dissected your bullshit, I move on and ignore you, while you keep rambling your sad tired bullshit that even Blair has stopped defending. The ONLY one who cares what you think about me is YOU, YOU always start these little tete a tetes, and you’re always the last one rambling. Everyone knows you hate me irrationally, troll me obsessively, are in massive denial of your blatant inexplicable obsession with me, and NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

    Just get the fuck over it already. Get a hobby. Learn to knit. Learn to interact like a normal human being. Or don’t. I don’t care. Just stop stalking me like a bully with a creepy crush pulling my hair at recess. It’s creepy and weird and unhealthy. And I’ve proven I won’t even acknowledge you exist if you don’t start shit. So no matter how much you swear up and down you’re NOT a troll, your every comment attacking me unprovoked immediately proves it a lie. If you actually wanted to prove you aren’t a troll, you’d grow the fuck up and move the fuck on, and stop wasting space obsessing about a woman who has absolutely NO impact or influence over you except what YOU allow.

    No one except you wants to waste space with these stupid petty flame wars. Talk about the product, or don’t talk at all. But seriously, grow the fuck up.

  • Penny Marie Sautereau

    Nice try but Neil Gaiman is not in the habit of being “nice” to writers who suck, or randomly discussing other writers just for the fuck of it. The tweets matter a fuck of a lot more than anything a sad bitter troll in denial who gets off on picking fights with me does. Again, grow up. And yes, Walt IS right.

  • FDSwayze

    No, Walt’s wrong. And again, Neil Gaiman was just being nice to you.

  • FDSwayze

    Again, you didn’t point out anything that I said which was a lie. I did discuss your column. I felt it was stupid. You also suspected it was stupid. Here is what you wrote…

    “But the thing that bothers me most right now, that I’ve yet to see anyone mention, and might seem stupid to some?”

    And once again you’ve went into a rage of name calling. Even calling Scott Keith names. It should come to the surprise of nobody that you can dish it but you can’t take it like all bullies.

    If they put your brain in a parrot it would fly backwards. Go fuck yourself Penny.

  • BD

    Buddy, I’m fairly certain that Walt’s point was that Penny is a misandrist and not a misogynist, since they are technically two different terms. I think his point was that Penny wasn’t using the term correctly, not you.

  • BD

    Who the fuck is Neil Gaiman? Seriously, am I supposed to know who that is?

  • BD


    Nicely put buddy. If anything, being opposed to the way Diva’s or women in general are treated is probably actually evidence AGAINST you being a misogynist, not the other way around.

  • Chris Sanders

    he’s a genius writer, look em up and thank me later.

  • BD

    Calling Scott Keith a misogynist and an asshole is total bullshit, Total Diva’s does not get better ratings than RAW, and I agree with whoever it was who said you gotta stop using the wrestlers real names. I get who Bryan Danielson is, but a lot of people don’t, and they’ll just think you’re insane. And even I don’t want to spend time trying to figure out who “TJ” is. I did remember after a minute, but seriously, why bother doing it like that?

    For the record, Penny, I could not be more with you on the whole Bryan thing. I don’t really see the Wyatt thing being all that good – I could be wrong, but yeah, I think it’s the height of stupidity to take Bryan out of there for Big Show. That’s actually worse than taking him out of there for Cena. And, I laughed at the Alan Rickman line. Nicely done there.

  • Zork

    1. I don’t think you really know what you’re talking about bringing up FEMALES in this discussion.

    2. Way to make women seem like the lowest common denominator if a woman has a point over a man and they can’t “defend” themselves articulately. How is that any different from a man having an actual point as well? Way to be a feminist or whatever the hell you consider yourself, white knight?

    Think a little bit more about what you type. Have a nice day.

  • Zork

    “So no matter how much you swear up and down you’re NOT a troll, your
    every comment attacking me unprovoked immediately proves it a lie.”

    So like when you called Scott Keith a misogynistic prick and that was unprovoked, it’s cool for you to do? Must take a lot of gumption especially when the guy doesn’t comment here at all. Don’t be a hypocrite. Nobody likes those.

  • FDSwayze

    Well, he quoted me. Maybe that was just a mistake though.

  • itsKON

    People, it’s dictionary time.

    This is the place on pulse where I point out the actual meaning of certain things. If you keep using them wrongly after this point, you’ll receive an un-celebratory dunce hat in the post.

    Scott Keith = Published wrestling writer who’d rather watch Bull Nakano matches on Youtube than sit through anything WWE have put on television during the last year or so.

    Swayze = Internet wrestling writer. Has been since at least 2002.

    Troll = Someone who says something for the sole purpose of getting a reaction.

    Agenda = A set of goals maintained by a person or group.

    Misogyny = Hatred of girls/women

    Misandry = Hatred of boys/men

    Feminist = Someone who thinks women and men should have equal rights.

    Chauvinism/Jingoism = unwarranted belief in self-superiority (that’s like a line from a fucking warrior promo, but it’s the easiest way of explaining it).

    Patriarchy = A system wherein men are The Powers That Be.

    Matriarchy = A system wherein women are The Powers That Be.

    Equality = A concept wherein everyone is treated the same.

    Lie = Something false.

    Rebuttal = Evidence that is presented to contradict or nullify other evidence.

    Straw Man = Misrepresentation of the other person’s opinion.

    Neil Gaiman = Writer of The Sandman, Marvelman, Neverwhere, a few episodes of Doctor Who, Stardust, Good Omens, American Gods… Will generally talk about writing and anything he feels strongly about until the cows come home. May or may not have a ridiculous fascination with chocolate (see attached picture).

    Did I miss anything out? Let me know by sending a stamped, addressed envelope to:

    1 Stop trying to twist the equality movement to suit your own ideals

    Whatever they may be

    You and you


  • Steven Gepp

    I could only upvote it once. Consider this more upvotalage.
    Well done, sir.

  • Pat

    I have to say I kind of like the change in Kane but I totally agree with you that he needs to become a corporate bad ass and kick the crap out of people and not be jobbing or doing more of that “I am the tag team champions” schtick again. The have seemed to have good stuff for Kane in the past then horrible booking always seems to ruin his character and he becomes a joke instead. They need to let Kane do more talking because he is awesome on the mic. I can see him and Bryan having a feud at some point but I think the ultimate prize for Kane would be another match against the Undertaker at Wrestle mania 30. I know, I know, we have been there done that but lets think about this for a minute. John Cena beating the Undertaker at WM30 would practically cause a riot unless he finally becomes heel and I don’t see that happening. I would love to be wrong on that. Do we want to see Cena vs Undertaker with Cena’s same stale schtick? I certainly don’t. Ryback has been buried so bad recently I don’t really see him as a credible threat to the streak. I would much rather see him get beat by Goldberg but wont hold my breath on that. Brock would be a good match but he is a self centered asshole who abandoned the WWE and now only works a part time schedule and he too has been buried pretty bad and to be honest he does not deserve to be the one to end the streak. I dont think it would be good in the future if he just becomes another feather in Undertakers hat at WM. I remember reading stuff that Undertaker said if he would let anyone end his streak it would be Kane. I think Kane and Undertaker could do a long buildup to a match at WM and if anyone deserves to be the one to end the streak it would be Kane. He has worked his ass off for 17 years and always done as he was asked, he has hardly ever been injured and he is still in amazingly good shape after all this time. I don’t know but I could see a Kane Undertaker match working if they build it up properly with Kane as a corporate bad ass. You mentioned you wanted a plan for Kane and the best plan would be for him to fight Undertaker and end the streak cleanly. I doubt that would happen but I would love to see it. I would much rather see Kane end the streak then John Cena. I am sure plenty of people will disagree with me about another Kane Undertaker match but if they do it right then it could be very interesting. But first Kane needs to be built up for awhile. Even if Kane does not fight Undertaker then I would love to see him as a possible General Manager of Raw, he would be so much better then that douche bag they have as GM now.

  • Morgan T

    I think you missed the point of what this particular response was about, but I guess you and the d-bag I was addressing can go pat each others butts in the corner and high five over how awesome it is to be MRA buddies, or whatever bro-dudes do when us chicks aren’t looking. Cool story, bro.

  • Zork

    Ok, I’ll admit there’s been a mistake here. You claim you’re a woman, and there’s no real way I can refute that but I’ll have to take that for face value. But you should realize most people who comment on wrestling are “bro-dudes”, or men if you want to stop hating. I made a generalization and for that I apologize because I thought you were white knighting.

    But I still won’t accept you putting your own gender on a pedestal or accidentally insulting your own gender with poor attempt to defend somebody you’ve obviously not interacted with much on this website. There’s a reason that Penny gets as much flak as she does and it has nothing to do with being “picked on” or being female. Far from the latter.

    I don’t care about what gender you are. If you make an point I don’t agree with, that doesn’t make me sexist, I just don’t agree with you. If you make a stupid point, I’m gonna call you out for it regardless of what color your skin is or how your plumbing is set up. I think it’s a safe bet that nobody else here cares about what your gender, race, or creed is either. As long as you don’t talk about wanting to murder Shawn Michaels fans or something.

    So, I’m not going to go pat Swayze’s butt in the corner. You can go burn your bra and decry the patriarchy if you want, I don’t really know what else you want me to say to you. I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, you were right because you’re not.

    My point is, you really don’t know anything about who you’re defending and why they get the flak that they do from several commenter here. To boot, there’s blatant hypocrisy written by her in the comments compared to the content in her own column. I think the evidence speaks for it’s self.

  • Finn McInnes

    Took the words out of my mouth Zork!

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