Inside Pulse Wrestling » D-Von http://wrestling.insidepulse.com Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Sat, 30 Aug 2014 12:30:15 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » D-Von http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://wrestling.insidepulse.com Newest Inductees Into The TNA Hall Of Fame (w/Video) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/06/15/newest-inductees-into-the-tna-hall-of-fame-wvideo/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/06/15/newest-inductees-into-the-tna-hall-of-fame-wvideo/#comments Mon, 16 Jun 2014 01:18:30 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=167670 Kurt Angle announced tonight that Team 3D (The Dudley Boyz, D-Von & Buh-Buh Ray or Bully Ray) were the newest inductees into the TNA Hall Of Fame tonight at TNA’s Slammiversary XII PPV. The tribute video that aired is below:

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Dr Seuss Meets A Wrestling Fan http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/01/13/dr-seuss-meets-a-wrestling-fan/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/01/13/dr-seuss-meets-a-wrestling-fan/#comments Mon, 13 Jan 2014 10:01:58 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=162982 No, I’m not back. Not really. This is something I wrote for a friend of mine, so I thought I’d share it here.
Enjoy!

Did you ever hear about poor little Dennis O’Day?
He was a wrestling fan who really loved his TNA.
He though the ‘E was not proper, all just silly play,
And to anyone who would listen he would always say,
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
And that’s why I watch Total Nonstop Action – TNA.”

He paid when they started, watched once every seven days;
The six-sided ring was great, he knew ut was here to stay.
Maybe Johnsons and Elvises were just barely okay,
But there was enough other cool stuff for him to be proud to say,
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
And that’s why I watch Total Nonstop Action – TNA.”

Then came the Hulkster, Ric Flair and Sting – Yay!
And Foley and Booker and Angle and Hardy… say…
At least there were still homegrown guys like Joe and AJ
And they had great matches so Dennis still felt he could say,
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
And that’s why I watch Total Nonstop Action – TNA.”

They went back to the old ring – well, maybe, okay…
And in came D-Von and Anderson and… hang on – what they hey?
And Nash squashed X-guys like they were in his way.
And even Dennis the mega-fan was much quieter to say,
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
And that’s why I watch Total Nonstop Action – TNA.”

Then E-C-Dub was back when Dennis though they’d gone away,
And Dixie Carter decided to become Mr McMahon one day,
And then Hogan was gone – surely that’s not bad, I mean to say?
Now you’d be hard-pressed to hear poor Dennis say,
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
And that’s why I watch Total Nonstop Action – TNA.”

And suddenly, story or not, there’s no more AJ.
Rumours abound of a sale happening, now, any day,
Even Jeff Jarrett’s gone, to start again, so they say,
And now a different set of words escapes Dennis O’Day:
“I love my wrestling and I watch it every day,
But I’ll watch me some ROH - bugger TNA!”

 

 

 
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A Random number of thoughts on TNA One Night Only Reunion 10 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2013/08/09/a-random-number-of-thoughts-on-tna-one-night-only-reunion-10/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2013/08/09/a-random-number-of-thoughts-on-tna-one-night-only-reunion-10/#comments Fri, 09 Aug 2013 13:57:19 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=158747 Shown on August 2nd, 2013.

 

First, let me apologise. I completely forgot this was even on, and I saw virtually nothing for it. Even the guys I usually watch TNA with forgot. It just fell under the radar completely. So the reason this is so late is one of the guys got hold of it somehow, and finally, on Friday (a week later), we sat down, just the two of us, and watched it. My thoughts are, therefore, coming as I viewed it.

 

Mike Tenay and Taz are the announcers.

 

1) Cool opening montage and Jeff Jarrett even sees the light of day again. For all of 3 seconds. Dear God, the guy founded the company (with his old man) – give him some love, TNA!

 

2) The X-Division montage is a damn fine one, too. If there is one thing TNA does well, it’s music montages.

 

3) Match 1 – Sonjay Dutt v Petey Williams v Kenny King. X-Division match: Let the spots begin!

 

4) Some nice moves taking both guys at the same time from Petey Williams. Nice and innovative.

 

5) Fun match, but it was really a typical X-Division match –spot, sell for three seconds, recover like nothing happened, repeat. Nothing out of the ordinary, I’m afraid.

 

6) Williams hit the Canadian destroyer on Dutt, but King hits the royal flush on Williams to get the pin. 7/10

 

7) Top 10 moments from TNA’s first ten years (yes it’s been 10 years!) is spread through the show. Some cool stuff there, but it is a repat from Slammiversary X.

 

8) The video montage of the Knockouts is brilliant. WWE could not do that from their last 10 years of women’s matches and have it look like that.

 

9) The Sky-Kim montage was longer and duller.

 

10) Match 2: Gail Kim v Velvet Sky.

 

11) This is the Knockout’s 10 year match? Seriously? Where’s ODB, Tara, Mickie James, the rest of the Beautiful People, something to make it seem like it’s a special 10 year reunion, not just a match we have seen again and again.

 

12) Sky needs to learn to throw convincing punches and forearms. But, hey, she’s only been with the company for years…

 

13) Not horrible (and, in my opinion, better than AJ/Kaitlyn matches) but just a match. Sky is not at Kim’s level of ability.

 

14) Bonus points for a John Nord-Berserker reference from Tenay concerning Sky’s boots.

 

15) Sky wins with the in your face – face buster for the pin. 6/10

 

16) A Joseph Park interview. AUGH!

 

17) Over the top rope Gauntlet Battle Royal. This should be a clusterf**k.

 

18) 1- Johnny Devine. 2- Shark Boy. Fun little start until Devine attempted a springboard moonsault and slipped and dropped straight onto the back of his head. I mean, sh*t! That looked plain nasty. Shark Boy dumps him over the top rope straight away and Devine looks in bad shape. Botchamania time! Ow. 3- Chase Stevens. Back and forth. 4- Cassidy Riley. Double team by the former Hotshots on Shark Boy. 5- Robbie E. Hotshots kill him as well. Then it bogs down. With 4 guys. 6- Jessie Gonnerz. So Jessie and Robbie talk until a Hotshots attack. Riley out by Jessie and Robbie. 7- Matt Morgan. Stevens out by Morgan. Jessie and Robbie attack Morgan from behind. To no avail. Robbie out by Morgan (awkwardly). Jessie out by Morgan. Comedy bit with Shark Boy and Morgan. 8- Mr Anderson. Goody, an Anderson-Morgan face-off. Has Anderson been going to the Velvet Sky school of throwing punches? 9- Johnny Swinger. And with Anderson and Morgan in control it slows right down. 10- Joseph Park. Kill me now. Anderson cons Swinger and dumps him. Morgan dumps Shark Boy leaving my 3 favourite people in TNA in the ring. Anderson and Morgan take it turns attacking Park and the audience dies. Park eliminates Anderson by top rope pull down. Now it’s pinfall/submission to win. And they proceed to try and have a wrestling match. After a year Morgan hits the carbon footprint for the pin and the win. 5/10

 

19) Bad Influence interview. Can these guys cut a bad promo?

 

20) Tag team video montage is superb. I miss MCMG.

 

21) Triple Threat Tag Team Match – Daniels and Kazarian (Bad Influence) v Homicide and Hernandez (LAX) v Bully Ray and D-Von (Team 3D).

 

22) One of the two matches I was looking forward to on this card. LAX v Bad Influence was really entertaining. As soon as team 3D got involved it lost something. Just a step too slow and a touch too predictable. This made it a disappointing and disjointed match. I would love to see a Bad Influence – LAX match given decent time on PPV. It could awesome judging by this.

 

23) Team 3D hit a huge 3D on Homicide for the win. Without 3D it was a good 8.5/10, with them it dropped, so we’ll split the difference. 7/10

 

24) Austin Aries interview is not a bad one. He mentions the fact that this PPV means nothing and is in the Impact Zone. Way to sell your show, Austin!

 

25) Austin Aries v Jeff Hardy. On paper, this could be not too shabby.

 

26) Oh. My God. Aries let it be known during his interview what he felt. But to go out there and half-arse a match like this? He did not take it seriously, Hardy did, they were not on the same page and it was just an awkward match. Some nice moves and spots save it from total embarrassment, but this should have been so much better.

 

27) Hardy wins with a small package after Aries pulls out of a 450. 5.5/10

 

28) James Storm – Bobby Roode video package is another great one in a series of them tonight.

 

29) Bobby Roode v James Storm. Grudge match. Allegedly.

 

30) Now, I’ve seen these two go at it before and it was not as good as the build up would have let me believe it was going to be. And so it was here. They did a match which was technically very good, but it lacked the emotion these two should have had after everything they had been through. It just didn’t feel real.

 

31) Bobby Roode won by pinning with his feet on the ropes. 6/10

 

32) There’s one match to go, so I need to say – where were Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Jerry Lynn, MCMG, and so many others from the early years? It felt less like a 10 year reunion and more like an extended version of Impact. Disappointing.

 

33) It was a 10 year reunion. Would it have killed them to use the 6-sided ring at least for one match?

 

34) Samoa Joe’s interview was a good, intense one.

 

35) Yet another great video package to show the history of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe.

 

36) Samoa Joe v Kurt Angle. This is the second match I was looking forward to coming into this PPV.

 

37) Yep, match of the night. It wasn’t a spot fest, but it was an actual wrestling match. They fought, they grappled, they used the spots when they had to, they used psychology, it was just a wonderful match to watch. My main complaint is that it was like 12 minutes long. I wanted more, damn it! The moves were clean and they told a story. Joe wanted to knock Angle out; Angle wanted to just win and survive.

 

38) Some great submission moves, reversals of moves, counters to moves. They know each other so well and gel nicely in the ring. Samoa Joe looked motivated as well, which is always a good thing. So, yeah, this was a great match.

 

39) Kurt Angle turned a Kohina Clutch into an Angle Slam for the win. 8.5/10

 

40) With a 6.4/10 average match rating, this was another mediocre One Night Only effort I’m afraid. I’m finding it hard to keep the motivation up to continue to watch these.

 

 
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Harrak’s Quick Quips: TNA Bound For Glory 2012 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/10/15/harraks-quick-quips-tna-bound-for-glory-2012/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/10/15/harraks-quick-quips-tna-bound-for-glory-2012/#comments Mon, 15 Oct 2012 13:24:14 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=149403

- So how many other people are feeling a Sting heel turn tonight?

- It’s really hard for me to sit here during RVD vs Zema Ion. That said, surprisingly good match so far.

- Um what ever happened to the X-Division’s weight limit? I had no idea this was a title match!

- I’m torn on this match. I love Magnus’ upside (he’s 25 freakin’ years old!) but the reinvention of Samoa Joe has been awesome.

- Damn and we thought Joe & Magnus had chemistry as a team! As opponents, this is fantastic!

- Excellent finishing sequence to the TV title match but damn these matches aren’t getting very much time.

- Storm versus Roode on third!? This should have been the main event for the belt, dammit!!!

- Anyone else think that King Mo looks like a cheesy Rampage Jackson ripoff?

- I might be sitting back & enjoying this match a little bit. This is MY main event.

- Never thought I’d say it but it’s weird seeing blood in a wrestling match. Both companies have done a good job of toning it down.

- Thought for sure we were going to get an outdated “ECW” chant after that crutch spot.

- Storm just bled in a fan’s beer & THEN gave it back to him! Loved the collective “Eww” from the crowd.

- Holy crap, James Storm is “Shawn Michaels-Hell In A Cell/Steve Austin-WrestleMania” bloody.

- Seriously, how are you going to top the emotion, the violence & storytelling you just saw in Roode vs Storm?

- I’m curious to see if Al Snow can keep up with Joey Ryan. It’s not going to be a classic, I know that.

- Ok the actual Twitter logo on a pair of wrestling tights is a whole new low.

- “Well Phoenix here is a horny crowd.” Really, Taz?

- Well I guess Matt Morgan is returning as a heel. Joey Ryan w/Morgan as a “bodyguard”? That could be interesting.

- Out of these three teams, which one doesn’t fit?

- Good God, Daniels & Kazarian have easily become the best tag team in the business today.

- How is Kazarian standing after that splat on the floor?!

- TNA continues their tradition of giving former WWE guys titles ASAP. And the crowd responds w/boos.

- I guess we just have to get used to Chavo riding Eddie’s name all the way to retirement.

- I think it’s safe to say this is the only time in wrestling history that the referee of the current match is also currently naked on HBO.

- What the hell is TNA’s obsession with reality TV? Just an awful reveal.

- I thought TNA were going to induct more than just Sting into their Hall Of Fame.

- Bully Ray in Sting facepaint is…… interesting.

- I’m guessing Gallows is one of the guys under a mask but I can’t place who the second one would be.

- The crowd is killing this match. They have no idea if they should really cheer for Bully Ray or not.

- Ok holy shit that was a nice reveal. I don’t think a single person was thinking it was Devon.

- I thought it was Aries vs Jeff Hardy, not Jushin Liger.

- It’s nice to see TNA out of the Impact Zone & how Jeff Hardy gets the John Cena treatment away from Orlando.

- Hardy has just completely switched into heel mode. It’s a good thing he’s not Cena, he wouldn’t be able to handle the hostile crowds.

- I made the comparison on this past week’s Impact report but I’m REALLY seeing the Punk/Cena dynamic in Aries/Hardy tonight.

- They might not be living up to Storm/Roode but damn are they laying it all out in the ring.

- I can’t see how Hardy DOESN’T leave with the title.

- I get the redemption. I get wanting him to resign. I get the merch sales. But I truly believe Hardy was wrong to win the BFG Series & was wrong to win the World title.
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That Being Said: TNA LIVE Impact Wrestling Summer Bash Results for 05.31.2012 – Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan, Sting & Dixie Carter http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/31/that-being-said-tna-live-impact-wrestling-results-for-05-31-2012-hulk-hogan-brooke-hogan-sting-dixie-carter/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/31/that-being-said-tna-live-impact-wrestling-results-for-05-31-2012-hulk-hogan-brooke-hogan-sting-dixie-carter/#comments Thu, 31 May 2012 22:48:59 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=142575 Welcome to the illustrious return of “That Being Said” to Inside Pulse. I’m going to begin this recap by stating how TNA has come to this point. If you’re only interested in the live results and not how this insane show (and recap) came to be, then by all means, skip down to the “Live Coverage” heading below.

Introduction / Background

So I’m all set to take some time off, and then everyone started talking about this Live Impact Wrestling thing. I knew they were all set to go LIVE with Impact again, but to be honest, I didn’t really bother to read anything about it. This isn’t anything they haven’t done before. And in the last year or so, for all they’ve done wrong, they at LEAST stopped with the “COMPANY IS CHANGING FOREVER STARTING TONIGHT” and “BIGGEST SHOW IN TNA HISTORY” nonsense.

Until this past week, where they started talking fucking crazy again. This is where it always gets really fun with TNA.

 

So I started thinking about the last time TNA had THIS kind of hype behind a live Impact broadcast. I guess it would be back in 2010, for Hulk Hogan’s first show on January 4th. That live show was absolutely fucking crazy. TNA fans went nuts to see that show, and Hulk Hogan talked about he was only going to gracefully look at the product from the sidelines and add what he could. People were genuinely excited.

Then Hulk Hogan debuted on the show, gracefully with respect, arriving in a limo escorted by a 20-police car motorcade. Bubba The Love Sponge was there. Scott Hall and Syxx weren’t allowed in, so they beat up some guards and got in. Mick Foley couldn’t get in because he wasn’t willing to beat up security guards. Then Hall and Syxx met Kevin Nash in the ring, and started talking to Hulk Hogan about partying, while Scott Hall was stumbling around the ring confused, like he couldn’t figure out why they weren’t partying already. He then spoiled the surprise that Eric Bischoff was there after TNA spent several segments building up that surprise. The Nasty Boys showed up and started eating donuts in the Dudley’s locker room. Val Venis showed up to play strip-poker with The Beautiful People in the most poorly-lit segment in TV history. Ken Anderson and Orlando Jordan showed up and nobody cared. Homicide found himself unable to escape a giant birdcage that TNA had constructed, whlie other wrestlers stood around and had no idea what to do, but that part was okay because it was impossible to see inside the cage anyway. Jeff Hardy then returned to TNA so that he could beat up Homicide for his birdcage faliures, then painted a picture in the locker room with Shannon Moore before giving it to a screaming mob of 2 fans. He then drove away and wasn’t seen for months. It. Was. Fucking Crazy.

After that show and a few others, they correctly concluded that they were nowhere near smart enough to be doing a live TV show. They shouldn’t even be doing live PPV’s - they almost burned down their own building during a live PPV once. Anyway, very few live Impact’s were done after that.

Over 2 years later, we’re back again.

Dixie Carter came out and said recently that the “wrestling format” has become stale. Which is her Public Relations-y way of saying that she knows what they’ve been putting on for years has been terrible. Those people who are STILL crazy enough to defend this awful show? And yes, there are still some out there – she just shit on all of them who have loyally defended her show. Which isn’t nice, because TNA gave those fans very little ammo to fight with as it was. That the show’s terrible is true, but it’s not because the “wrestling format” has become stale, it’s because they don’t know how to put together ANY kind of format, wrestling or otherwise. They’ve had YEARS to figure it out. They can’t do it. They’re morons.

Actually, forget all the crazy stuff they’ve said – if you were go to to any kind of show business expert, and show them a TAPED episode of TNA and told them that you were thinking of going live, they’d spit roast you like a pig and go laugh about it with their co-workers.

 

NOW factor in the crazy – they’re saying that the “highly-rated” weekly series will be a “hybrid of reality and explosive action”, and that “the reality elements and production technique respresent the most signifigant evolution in this genre in more than 15 years.” Can anyone tell me what this even means? There hasn’t been ANY evolution in wrestling over the past 15 years, so I suppose that part could technically be considered correct, if you are REALLY loose with the definition of “evolution”. But what the hell does “hybrid of reality and explosive action” mean? They mean staged reality, right? RIGHT?! That can’t be seriously planning on showing ACTUAL reality, Can they? CAN THEY?!?!

Dixie then said “What happens backstage, in the office and on the road is so entertaining that we decided it was time to pull the curtain way back and give viewers a peek at that world as well. Over the next few weeks and months, viewers will continue to see our show evolve as we expose more real aspects of our business that have always been sacred.” One can only assume, again, that she’s talking about fake reality, and it’s going to take people less than a minute to figure that out. And then they’re going to laugh at her.

The press release then goes on to say “Cameras will be everywhere. Meetings will be shot in real time and unscripted as we capture moments; not produced segments. Access to conversations and vantage points that have never been seen before, such as production meetings, talent evaluations nad post-match critiques, will be revealed.” Wow, it definitely sounds like they’re planning on ACTUALLY showing us the REAL LIFE behind pro wrestling, doesn’t it? No idea how they’re going to pull that off, but it will still sure be interesting to see.

Wait, what’s this? From the SAME press release: “Combined with an emphasis on story structure, long term character and story development, these changes will help Impact Wrestling pioneer the next generation of wrestling entertainment programming.”

 

I understand now. See, everything you saw before now was lame, stale, and fake. Which means if you liked it, you’re a moron. But now, what you’ll see is real. Because now, they’ll be exposing the reality behind wrestling, with an emphasis on UNSCRIPTED and UNPRODUCED meetings, post-match critiques, talent evaluations, and backstage segments… and that will be COMBINED with story structure and long-term character development.

You’re going to give us an UNSCRIPTED AND UNPRODUCED show… with an emphasis on CHARACTER AND STORY DEVELOPMENT.

“Character and story development?” That’s called a script. That’s called producing. You fucking MORONS. They can’t even do a press release right!

Oh, and they have Brooke Hogan now too. Yeah. She’s going to bring in all the fans she amassed during her awesome music career.

 

Fuck it! This sounds insane. There’s no way I can not do this. This company is fucking crazy. I LOVE TNA. You wanna get nuts with me? LET’S GET NUTS!!!

I won’t be reviewing this show on a regular basis. But I can’t pass up the first show of something this crazy. But that brings me to something they told me to mention – we are DESPARATELY looking for a TNA recapper. We had Justin Legacy for like a month, and he quit. We had James Carter for like 3 weeks, and he quit. I know we had another dude who’s name escapes me, and he quit after like a month too. I actually hung in there for like 6 months last year when I started with Pulse, and then did it on a temporary basis for another month or so this year. Scott Keith has filled in as well. But we can’t find anyone who can do the job permanently for more than a couple weeks before TNA or TNA fans make them quit. If you want to represent this fine website by reviewing TNA, then send an e-mail to matthew@pulsewrestling.com.

I haven’t seen a lot of TNA this year, so I’m just going to get that out of the way right now. But TNA is clearly trying to pull in new viewers with this show, and it’s not unreasonable to say that TNA should be making this show appeal to new viewers. And while I may not have seen the recent shows, I’ve read most of the reports, so I think my information is fairly current.

Let’s get to LIVE, UNSCRIPTED, UNPRODUCED Impact Wrestling, starring Brooke and Hulk Hogan!

FIST PUMP!

 

LIVE Unscripted, Unproduced Impact Wrestling Summer Bash Coverage

Previously on Impact… Hogan faced a hard choice on who was going to get a title shot against Roode. He gave AJ Styles the title shot, but AJ’s mind was somewhere else during the bout, and Roode got the win. Then Sting returned.

LIVE Impact kicks off with a bunch of lumberjacks surrounding the ring. Apparently the TNA World Heavyweight Title Match is right now?!

Non-TNA World Heavyweight Title Lumberjack Match
Bobby Roode (c) .vs. Sting

Roode, charisma machine that he is, enters. Then Sting enters to a nice reaction. PUnches by Sting to start the match, then an irish whip into the corner. Roode botches a Flair bump. 6 minutes into the show and we already have a botch.

Roode takes control, but then Sting hulks up. Sting with clotheslines. Roode ends up on the apron, but doesn’t want to go outside because the lumberjacks are there. Sting kicks him atop the ropes, then knocks him to the floor. The lumberjacks rough him up a bit, then push him back in the ring. Then Sting knocks him out again, and Roode gets roughed up again. Sting then misses a Stinger splash, and Roode tosses him to the heel lumberjacks. They rough HIM up a bit, but Sting hits a shoulderblock on Roode. Back-body drop, and the crowd doesn’t seem all that impressed.

Roode gets tossed in by the lumberjacks after being tossed outside again. Then the same thing happens to Sting. Now the heel lumberjacks are facing off with the babyface lumberjacks. Sting is rolled in the ring, and Roode gets a 2-count. Roode with some kicks. Taz and Tenay start talking about Brooke Hogan. Kneedrop by Roode gets another 2-count. Bearhug by Roode. Crowd tries to rally Sting up, and he breaks the bearhug and hits some elbows. Mike Tenay wants me to Tweet my friends that Impact is LIVE tonight.

Roode beats Sting down some more. Then he tosses Sting outside again, and he fights them off.

On the surface, this might just seem like another boring title match with a boring World Champion, but remember, it’s unscripted and unproduced! See the difference? We are off to an awesome start.

Commercial.

We’re back, and Roode is still kicking Sting. Suplex by Roode.

And Roode tosses Sting to the outside to get beaten on some more. Sting back in, and Roode punches and chops in the corner. Sting hulks up out of the corner, and starts hammering back. Stinger splash in the corner, and Roode escapes outside to the heels, who protect him. The babyfaces come over to confront them, and Sting dives on everyone. “TNA” chants from the crowd. Sting tries to hook on the Scorpion Deathlock, but Roode turns it into a crossface. Sting makes it to the ropes. Roode with some kicks.

Sting reverses a move by Roode and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Sting then locks on the Scorpion Death Lock, and Roode taps.

Winner: Sting

Hulk Hogan is here, and TNA is still paying for pyro for his entrance. Hogan says that Sting is the main man for TNA, and that he has a TNA World Title match against Roode at Slammiversary. Which was unscripted. He just came up with that. Roode is surprised, which is odd, because a TNA World Title defense on almost every TNA PPV. I guess all this UNSCRIPTED SHOOT stuff is catching him off guard. This show is totally different and unscripted and revolutionary and awesome now, and not at all like before.

Commercial. 3 Hulk Hogan’s want us to use Rent-A-Center.

 

Heroin Girl (Madison Rayne) is ironing something backstage. She isn’t worried about Brooke Hogan showing up. Heroin Girl just wants to impress some guy she doesn’t name. And she wants heroin. Obviously.

Bully Ray is in the crowd. He starts cutting an unscripted shoot promo on Joseph Park, who is in the crowd eating popcorn. He reminds Joseph that he beat him up last week. Then they show what happened last week, when Ray beat him up. Ray continues yelling at Park. Park looks upset. Ray wants to fight him. Park reluctantly goes down to the ring. Then he says he doesn’t want to fight – then Ray calls his entire family cowards.

Then Ray says that Park’s brother (Abyss) is a coward. Then Park (Abyss) jumps the rail. Security grabs him, but Ray tells security he’ll take responsability, which is risky because this show is all uncensored and live and awesome now. Park gets into the ring. Ray continues yelling at him, telling Park to hit him. Park doesn’t want to hit him.

Then Ray says he changes his plea to “Guilty” of leaving Abyss (Park) for dead. Park (Abyss) is upset and surprsied by the fact that Ray would do this to Abyss (Park). This doesn’t make any sense at all. Park (Abyss) grabs Ray and forces him to his knees, then Bully Ray threatens to sue. Then Park says that he will not stoop to Ray’s level, because he’s an attourney. Ray calls him a coward again, and leaves. Joseph’s feelings are hurt. He should have been more careful, anything can happen without a script.

Then Park changes his mind and says he wants to fight Ray. Ray says he will fight him at Slammiversary. Park looks worried. Ray looks pleased. Tenay says Park can’t get out of the match now – which seems odd, given that Park (Abyss) is not a TNA wrestler.

Commercial. Matt Morgan is still beating up insurance people in his underwear.

We’re a quarter-way through. Amazing, different show so far. I already forget what TNA was like before all these revolutionary changes.

 

Video package for Crimson and his awesome unstoppable TNA run thus far. He is backstage, and says that the video package is evidence that he can’t be beaten.

TNA X-Division Title Match
Austin Aries (c) .vs. Chris Sabin

A match! That’s not on my format sheet!

Sabin comes out and Mike Tenay tells us not to judge him as a tag-team wrestler just because of all his years spent with the Motor City Machine Guns, and they mention his partner, Shelley, who recently left TNA (good for him.) They show Aries (also known as “the one guy TNA hasn’t managed to fuck up with in the past several years”) getting sprayed down before the match, and then patting the spray-down guy on the chest before his music hits. That’s EXPOSING THE BACKSTAGE reality of wrestling, you see. That stuff is sacred, so this is going to cause quite the stir. Dixie Carter said so in that press release. They’re breaking all kinds of rules here!

The match was actually quite good for a TV match. Lots of athletic back-and-forth to start, until Sabin kicks Aries in the head, but Aries tosses him to the outside and does that awesome bottom-rope dive. Back inside, Sabin attempts that awesome delayed missle dropkick, but eats mat. Aries with a dropkick from the top rope, the dropkick into the corner, and a dive to the outside onto Sabin.

Sabin then catches Aries coming inside, then hits some rope-rebound twisting suplex thing… which I don’t know what to call… but it was awesome. Sabin goes for a suplex, but Aries reverses into a rollup for the pin.

Winner & Still TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries

Decent match I suppose, especially by TNA standards.

Earlier today, Hogan is confronting Taz on something related to Gutcheck… in a very dark room with spotlights shining on them. See, this is REALITY, because Taz and Hogan were just talking alone in a poorly lit room with spotlights, and there were cameras EVERYWHERE, just like Dixie said. It SOUNDS like a segment that WOULD have been scripted in that old, STALE format that Dixie tossed out the window, but this is REAL. It’s unproduced! I fucking LOVE this show.

Taz says that people don’t like “the real Taz” and Hogan says he doesn’t care about that. Hogan says that TONIGHT, LIVE on Impact, anything could happen.

Commercial.

 

Holy shit. So NOW, they’re showing an UNSCRIPTED AND UNPRODUCED MEETING SHOT IN REAL TIME… from yesterday… with Bruce Pritchard, Al Snow, and Taz. They discuss this kid from Gutcheck, which is all caught on these cameras that Dixie had installed everywhere… complete with zooming and panning. They’re PULLING THE CURTAIN BACK and SHOOTING on this Gutcheck stuff, and Taz SHOOTS on this Gutcheck kid. Totally he wasn’t supposed to do that, but the cameras caught it, and now it’s in the show. Taz is insulted as a former competitor. They argue about this Gutcheck kid for a while. Apparently the Gutcheck kid needs to convince this BACKSTAGE COMMITTEE that he deserves to be there. This is fucking hilarious.

Another commercial. Halfway through. This show is so confused. It was already confused enough. And Brooke Hogan is on next. This is surreal. I honestly can’t believe it.

 

PULLING THE CURTAIN BACK BACKSTAGE UNSCRIPTED LIVE AND REAL, we’re looking at our 4 possible contenders for D-Von’s TNA Television Title. You could vote on the website for who you wanted to see get the TV Title shot. They just stand there awkwardly while Borash introduces them.

Dixie Carter comes out and asks how the crowd is doing. Dixie says it’s a great evening, and talks about TNA being 10 years old. She says that at the PPV, TNA will announce the very first entry into the TNA Hall of Fame.

Now Dixie Carter is talking about all the EXCITING CHANGES on Impact, and refers to the Knockout Division. She then introduces Brooke Hogan.

Brooke comes out to a country song, presumably one she sung herself. She’s got quite the “fuck me” boots on.

Dixie welcomes Brooke to TNA, and talks about GIRL POWER, and how excited she is for all Brooke is going to do for them, given all her experience in the wrestling business. Is that a joke?

PEOPLE ARE BOOING HER!!! Holy shit, that’s funny. Brooke gives Dixie a pep talk, and talks about how wrestling is her passion… after her music and her reality TV, and apparently Tenay said she was in movies too. But wrestling comes after all of that.

She thanks Dixie. They hug. Segment over. What the fuck?!?!

Backstage, Daniels and Kaz are caught on one of the BACKSTAGE CAMERAS exposing the REAL LIFE BEHIND THE SHOW… talking about how Dixie Carter didn’t talk about her scripted AJ Styles scandal. .

Commercial. TNA apparently goes live on YouTube during these. Advertisers must love that. Dave tells me that the LIVE TNA coverage on YouTube was going whlie Daniels was cutting his UNSCRIPTED REALITY promo. I fucking LOVE this show

Also, Samoa Joe has apparently been escorted from the building and is LIVE TWEETING about the event from home. I bet this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA… actually, sarcasm aside, that is kinda a promotion for Joe.

 

We are back, to watch a match for a title that no one cared a thing about before tonight. Who did the fans vote for to face D-Von?

TNA World Television Title Match
D-Von (c) .vs. Jeff Hardy

Jeff Hardy has been voted by the fans to be in the TV Title segments of the show? Does that seems weird to anyone else? Even weirder, eyelids painted on his eyeballs. Someone really should have stopped him from doing more dumb shit as a kid, maybe then he wouldn’t do so much dumb shit as a adult. Like you’d think when he came home from school with some dumb shit like cut-up socks on his arms, his Dad would have been like “get the brick” and dealt with the problem. But he didn’t, and now we have this. Crowd goes nuts for Jeff as usual.

Taz and Tenay talk about whether this Joey Ryan kid from GUTRENCH or whatever is going to get a contract. D-Von gets a 2-count after a single shoulder-block. D-Von looks in pretty good shape. Hardy hits a headscissors on D-Von before D-Von runs him to the ground. Jeff gets up and they volley, until Jeff hits that sloppy mule kick. Jeff hits that Whisper move and gets 2. D-Von dodges a charges and hits a jumping neckbreaker out of the corner that wasn’t bad. 2-count.

Duelling chants for Hardy and D-Von… hmm, didn’t think D-Von had that kind of crowd support. Good for him. Elbow drop by D-Von gets 2. Jeff hits the Twist Of Hate and takes his shirt off. He goes up for the Swanton, but Robbie’s E & T come in and pushes him off the ropes, causing the match to be thrown out. Never seen anything like this on Impact before!

Winner: No Contest

Robbies beat up Hardy for a while, until D-Von comes to his rescue. Then Hardy and D-Von beat up the Robbies.

 

Now we get a James Storm video package. He talks about what a regular guy he is while he rides horses with his daughter. He cuts a promo on Roode while doing so. Apparently Storm is at some kind of crossroads after losing to Roode – and they show some clips for the music video on the song he did. He says he’s made his decision.  His daughter then asks if that means he’s going back to wrestling. And he tells the cameraman to turn off the camera. It was gettnig a little too REAL for him.

Commercial. So far there has been NOTHING on this show that we wouldn’t have seen before… except for Austin Aries getting sprayed down before his match.

 

They re-play the AJ Styles / Dixie Carter SCANDAL storylne. Wasn’t romantically linking him with Karen Angle enough?!?! Kurt Angle apparently did some kind of babyface turn through all of this.

Bruce Pritchard, Al Snow and Taz are in the ring. Borash asks Pritchard if they’re ready to decide if this Joey Ryan kid can have a contract.

Joey Ryan comes out. He’s quite an odd-looking fellow, to say the least. He’s totally making love to the cameras right now. Joey Ryan cuts an unscripted shoot promo, and says he’s trending live on Twitter. He says that 87% of TNA fans voted to have him get a contract.

Borash then asks the judges for their decisions. Pritchard talks about nothing, then says “No” is his vote. They go to Al Snow. They have dramatic American Idol music playing, and it’s really distracting. This segment comes from that one time Hulk Hogan was on American Idol. Anyway, Al Snow votes “Yes”. Taz has the deciding vote.

Borash gives him the mic again. He yells about Pritchard ignoring the 87% vote on the website. This guy is gonna be over-rated by the net, I can tell already, same as that Sandow guy, same as whoever that indy guy coming in to WWE who was fake feuding with Foley. Taz SHOOT VOTES “No”.

Joey Ryan yells at Taz. Taz says he couldn’t “cut the promo” of his life. Taz tells him to go prove himself, then come back and prove him wrong, but for now, it’s “No”.

I don’t even understand what that was supposed to be. Is this one of those things that they’d like us to believe is unscripted? I can’t even tell. I can’t critique or defend this segment, because I honestly have no idea what they were even going for.

 

Commercial. Apparently this YouTube show that Borash is doing is being done backstage via a webcam. During the show, he’s interviewd the producer of this unproduced show. This company fucking rules!!!

 

Bobby Roode video package, detailing him talking to a bunch of people who cheer him.

AJ Styles .vs. Christopher Daniels

Christy Hemme tells me that this is the main event of the show. Retarded storylines aside, AJ and Daniels should be in the main-events. So that’s a plus at least.

AJ pushes Daniels to the corner and eats a slap. They chase each other around, and AJ takes control. AJ hist a hard dropkick. Tenay calls these hits “stiff”. Amazing. Daniels with a shot to the chin and AJ goes down. Punches in the corner by Daniels. Daniels runs into some boots by AJ, but Daniels dorps AJ’s neck over the ropes, which Tenay calls a steel cable. Daniels sends AJ to the floor.

And… commercial.

We’re back, and Daniels is still in control. Daniels does his cool moonsault off the ropes, and hits a submission. Tenay talks about how unpredictable the show has been from the outset. AJ starts to fight back with some punches and chops. AJ then takes down Daniels, and both men are down. He takes Daniels down with some elbows, and brings him up to a torture rack before suplexing him into a pin for 2.

Daniels takes control and chops AJ up on the top rope.  AJ fights back, and hits a nice springboard forearm. AJ springboards to an inverted DDT, but that’s countered by Daniels in a nice move, but AJ hits a Pele to Daniels. he goes for the Styles Clash, but Kaz shows up, and Daniels hits a rollup but only gets 2. Another springboard into an inverted DDT by AJ, this one finding it’s mark. Pin.

Winner: AJ Styles

Kaz and Daniels beat on AJ, until Kurt Angle makes the save. Haven’t seen this on Impact before!

Angle with an Ankle Lock on Kaz, until Daniels punches him in the balls. They then beat on Angle. They then proceed to tie Kurt Angle up in the corner. AJ powers up but Kaz hits him with the Tag-Team Title belt. They choke Kurt some more, and finish tying him up. He breaks free again, but Daniels hits him with the Tag Title belt.

Daniels grabs the mic, and the crowd chants that he sucks. Daniels says he has proof positive of the sordid affair between AJ and Dixie.

They play a phone call between Dixie and AJ. AJ and Dixie talk about meeting up, and not letting Serge know about it.

Dixie then comes out and takes Taz’s headset. She screams at them to turn it off, and the show fades out. You can hear her screaming over the Spike TV logo.

Amazing.

 

Well, that’s the show! Ho-lee shit. I guess there’s some sort of post-show on YouTube. I’m not doing any more.

I’m glad to see AJ and Daniels in the main segments of the show, but obviously nothing good can come of what they’re doing there. Actually, this lame and completely transparent LIVE AND UNSCRIPTED shit aside, this was not much different from any TNA shows that I’ve seen in the last couple years. I wasn’t expecting anything good… I mean, it’s TNA. But as I said before the review started, I at least thought they’d try some insane shit for my amusement.

If you’re looking for a place to complain about my review, I recommend the comment section or the website TNAInsider.com. These guys are so awesome they have a WHOLE THREAD based on an article I did on the TNA roster back in January! And I can only imagine they thought this show was fucking amazing.

And it was. We are a continent that is richer culturally for having watched it.

And if you’re a TNA fan who loved this show, and wants to see a more positive or optimistic view of the show here on Inside Pulse… again, I re-iterate - we need someone to cover this show. Badly. Send an e-mail to matthew@pulsewrestling.com if you’re interested.

 

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you when I see you.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/31/that-being-said-tna-live-impact-wrestling-results-for-05-31-2012-hulk-hogan-brooke-hogan-sting-dixie-carter/feed/ 17
Legacy Noob Chronicles: Impact Report 5.18.2012 (Bully Ray, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/18/legacy-noob-chronicles-impact-report-5-18-2012-bully-ray-hulk-hogan-jeff-hardy/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/18/legacy-noob-chronicles-impact-report-5-18-2012-bully-ray-hulk-hogan-jeff-hardy/#comments Fri, 18 May 2012 04:36:52 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=141869 Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!

I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:

If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.

If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose,  took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.

If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.

And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment  hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with [Insert Hot Chick] (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.

By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.

 

HEADLINE!

Alright, and after a week sabbatical due to the fact that my aunt’s furniture needs-a-movin’ and my lazy cousin (go figure, right?) I am now back to make “haha’s”, and “hoho’s”, a HEY-OOOHS! (SeewhatIdidthere?)

We are just off the heels of TNA’s place-holder PPV between Lockdown and their main PPV of the year, Slammiversary and there REALLY wasn’t anything unexpected besides:

1 – Supposedly, rumors have it that the talent was happy about the lack of the Three Faces of Wrestling Doom, or whatever they’re called now, and also happy because of how the show went BECAUSE they weren’t there. Sweet! Now that we figured this out, let’s not have them back stage from here on out!

2 – Roode won his Ladder Match against RVD and is STILL the TNA Champion…That’s it…(Seriously, that’s really all that was note worthy, would I lie to you?…Don’t answer that.)

 

TNA IMPACT WRESTLING

MAY 17, 2012, 9pm EST (1am Africa/Abidjan)

“LIVE” from Brooke’s porno shoot (Since…You know…She can make more money on her back than most wrestlers in their LIFE (HEY-OOOHHHH!!!)).

 

SEGMENT 1:

Roode is out!  He talks about his Animation Domination, or something like that.

He calls out Hogan, and HOGANMANIA is OUT, BROTHER! AND BROTHER?! HOGANMANIA IS LOOKING TO BROTHER ALL OVER THAT BROTHER!

Roode talks about how he will be the longest reigning champion in Hogan’s company?…Did someone tell Dixie of this?…

Anyway, he does these demands, and one of them are for GREEN M&M’s…Hey! That’s M&M racial profiling! I’m offended! Hogan goes on about before Hogan came in and how there was a TON of backstabbing…Uh…Didn’t ALL of that occur WHEN Hogan showed up?…Anyway, Hogan tore up the list of demands.

Hogan meanders before he FINALLY makes it Roode’s title up for grabs on OFN Challenge…And the people who are in includes such names as….

-Some Fat Guy

-A couple of jacked up guys

-A few bald guys

-Three drugged out guys

…Oh, and AJ Styles…

Hogan makes some qualifying matches…Then he talks about his “keish”, Whoa there, tiger?…No one wants to hear about your “kiesh”, Hogan…

Then Hogan gives the most corny ending comments in that he told Roode that “if he wants to party, he better fight”?….Holy mother of No Holds Barred! Why, or where, in the HELL did Hogan pick that one out of?….And was the same place he picked up the Rape Face Stalker Idea™?

 

Meanwhile, Abyss? Is that really you? And why are you telling Joseph to keep away from the fire?…Wouldn’t that equate as a suicide if Abyss killed Joseph?… 

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER #1

CALVEZILLA™ vs. RVD

“Did You Know”?

Bully lost his match last night?…Me neither (Hey, I watched the show…But the show had me halfway asleep about as much as Jeff Hardy and a bender, HEY-OOOOH!!), but he lost to Aries.

“Did You Know”? #2

RVD f’d himself up in his match also….The only difference was that Roode actually WON a match LEGITIMATELY! (Yeah, surprising…I know! Take Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie out of the equation and things actually start to make sense! Amazing.?…I know!)

Anyway, the whole match was about RVD’s injured knee. CALVEZILLA focused on it, took it out, then took RVD out with a Diamond Cutter…Or CALVEZILLA CUTTER!!~

RESULT: CALVEZILLA wins via CALVEZILLA CUTTER!~ @ 3:04

RATING: DECENT (It was okay while it lasted, but it was WAY too short…)


NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Meh…I don’t feel like it today…Tired, hung-over, something-something-darkside-something…Pound-cake and Puddi…EVERYONE loves Puddi!

 

SEGMENT 2:

ANYWAY…. CALVEZILLA is pissed off ar the Kardashians and he challenges them?…Oh GOD, PLEASE! I do NOT want to see ANY of those hookers on TV (but the street corner, I could DEFINITELY get involved in that!…In fact, I could easily help out in giving their “business”…I’d have to wear 13 condoms, but yeah, I could SO do that!)

Either way, Abyss’ brother comes in and Bully tells him that he’s going beat him up!

Afterwards…

“Did You Know?” #3

Dixie is now a part owner of Bellator?…Yeah, I didn’t care either…

Either way, we get a video package about Dixie being a part owner with Bellator…Supposedly Dixie and the Bellator owner “clicked”  the first time they met (…Is it sort of  like in a me and Hooker Kardashian™ sorta way?)

P.S.- King Mo looks like he’s there but NO ONE’S home…

 

We cut back to backstage as Some Asian Chick and her sex slave, or whoever the hell she is, talks about the newer kind of KY Jelly, or something (it supposedly GIVES YOU WINGS!…Oh, wrong slogan?….)…But Brooke Test-something-er-other and Velvet Sky comes in and they talk smack to the Asian Chick and slap her on the ass…Nice…Hot, three way action?…I can dig it!

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER BATTLE ROYAL MAYHEM OF DOOM!! (…Now say that five times fast…)

Anyway, this match involves; STYLES, ARIES, GUNNER, BILLY & CHUCK 2.0, CRIMSON, D-VON, ODB & YOUNG, and some other people that I just don’t care to name…

ORDER OF ELIMINATION:

-CRIMSON, ODB & YOUNG eliminated @ the same time via ODB & YOUNG tandem closetine

-ARIES eliminates MAGNUS

(Some chick is running her hands through her hair…Get security out there?….You know that people get kicked out for running out to the ring!)

HAHA! Nice cut away, as 609GARRET (©SCOTT STIENER) hung his fist on the top rope while throwing a damn punch! Damn rookies…

-Anyway, BILLY 2.0 eliminates CHUCK 2.0, they argue about their sexytime, which leads to…

-D-VON eliminates BILLY 2.0

Ok…How in the HELL is 609GARRET still in this match?…You know, any other green as all hell rookie would’ve been eliminated EARLY in the match?…

-Holy crap…609GARRET eliminates D-VON?…DAMN YOU ERIC!!!!

D-VON goes to give 609GARRET a handshake, but he refuses…

-That was long enough for AJ STYLES to nail the CRAP out of 609GARRET, and WOW did he throw 609GARRET out the damn ring!! (Countdown clock till STYLES de-push starts shortens by 3 days…)

STYLES and ARIES had a GREAT exchange in the ring…You know?…Wouldn’t it have been better if they just had a qualifier between STYLES and ARIES?…Yeah…

-GUNNER eliminates ARIES after a counter

-STYLES eliminates GUNNER to win!

RESULT: AJ STYLES wins via elimination @ 10:56

RATING: DECENT (Too many people that shouldn’t be ANYWHERE NEAR a World Title Qualifier match (See: Billy & Chuck 2.0, D-Von, and for Christ’s Sake, 609GARRET), but STYLES and ARIES made the match somewhat better.) 

 

SEGMENT 3:

A video rundown of STYLES pimping that DIXIE CARTER HARD!…But seriously, why?…I mean, SERIOUSLY, how in the HELL is this going to make me give a damn about any of the people involved?…

Also, STYLES is a WRESTLER, not a  soap opera star…It’s not his strong suit and it looks awkward as all get out…

…Also, if rumors are correct, who HASN’T pimped out Dixie?!…I mean, seriously, isn’t that the rumor why her father given her the money to buy TNA?…I’m not saying, but I’m just saying™…

Anyway, THIS…This…It drags on forEVER!…And…They bring out a video of AJ kissing Dixie…Yup….I’m switching to Hockey…

 

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Oh, PHOENIX scored a goal…CRAP! I told myself that I wouldn’t give hockey updates! Dammit, where’s CRANKY VINCE when you need him!

@CRANKYVINCE: “SHOOTING B-12 INTO MY ASS LIKE PONCE DE FUCKING LEON.”

….Ahhhhh….Refreshing!…

So, do you care that it’s about 110 degrees in Phoenix?…Yeah, me neither…

Great! Back just in time for SOME FAT GUY and Middle Aged and Crazy™ KURT ANGLE brawling backstage…I wonder who has the worse midlife crisis between the two?…My money’s on Angle…

 

CHUNKY ANDERSON™ is going on about how CRACK HARDY™ kicked out in their match (yea, Hardy kicked out…And it was PRETTY obvious…), I was personally thinking that Anderson was fapping off to the STYLES/DIXIE deal, but that’s something better suited for Val Venis!…

By the way, what the hell happened to Val “Last name rhymes with Penis” Venis?…We may never know…We may never know…

 

ANYWAY…No! Probably already crazy, and drug addicted, Fiat Model Chick! Don’t party with Charlie Sheen! You’ll end off with no teeth and in rehab!…

 

*Ahem*…

 

Sorry….Slammiversary X moment with that EPIC 3-way between STYLES/JOE/DANIELS, and if you haven’t seen it…SEE IT! God, I wish that TNA is like this…

 

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT WORLD TITLE QUALIFIER

CRACK HARDY™ vs. CHUNKY ANDERSON™

Ha!…I think Anderson KO’d Hardy when he caught Hardy’s legs in a dropkick through the bottom ropes…Don’t worry, just hold some drugs in front of Hardy’s nose like an Doggie Treat! That ALWAYS wakes him up!…

Anderson had most of the early part of the match (I’m thinking mostly because of Hardy being a little KO’d)…But Hardy had the last end of the match.

Ending combination was Hardy going for a Twist of Fate, but Anderson countered into a Rolling Fireman’s, which Hardy countered into a Crucifix for the pin!

Oh oh….A CLOSE 3-count that looked like a 2.999999999999…….

RESULTS: CRACK HARDY™ wins via pin-fall @ 6:03

RATING: DECENT (They meandered at parts (which I think was more of an audible than anything else), but it was still pretty good, competitive, match, it just got bogged down a little too much.)

 

SEGMENT 4:

Slammiversary X flashback! This time it was Samoa Joe winning his ONLY TNA World Title reign…So, how come Joe didn’t have any more title reigns?…

 

3-WAY KNOCKOUT STRIPPER SHOW

Ladies and gentleman, coming out to the stage, we have one woman from Texas Brooke! Right behind her we have SEXY Velvet Sky! And one hot asian from Canada, Asian Kim! Please come near the stage and give these women some money and some love!… (*Cheesy 1980′s hair metal music blares*)

But seriously….

KNOCKOUT TITLE 3-WAY MATCH

VELVET SKY vs. BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER vs. SOME ASIAN CHICK

I’m sorry…The whole stripper thought has me laughing throughout this train wreck of match…Sorry ladies, it’s not you, it’s me (hahahahaha!!!)…

Anyway, I’ve never heard so much moaning in my life!…Oh wait? Yes I have (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)….

Wow, that match was a TRAIN…WRECK….Holy crap, the 3-way submissions were HIL-FREAKING-LARRIOUS! I wasn’t taking it seriously at all while they were moaning and Tazz sounded like some Porn Director on commentary…

The match ended with SKY hitting her finisher on BROOKE. The ASIAN CHICK threw out SKY to have a very kinky roll up for the pin.

RESULT: SOME ASIAN CHICK via pinfall @ 3:57

RATING: AWFUL (Way too disjointed. I wasn’t taking this match seriously to begin with, but with all the “awkward” spots had me more in stitches than thinking of a competition of some sort and thank GOD this match was kept short…)

 

Slammiversary X hype video leads into a OFN Qualifier Match rundown, which leads into…Hello Christy!….Damn….I know gingers don’t have souls (NO SOULS!~), and all, but DAMN™!

 

MAIN EVENT: OPEN FIGHT NIGHT QUALIFIER MATCH

SOME FAT GUY vs. “Middle Age and Crazy” KURT ANGLE

We have some time, so HOPEFULLY, we don’t have some B.S. and just have an awesome match!

Joe using his RAGE™ to beat the hell out of Angle early in the match, Angle using his INTELLIGENCE (Hey! One of the “Three I’s”! Whatdoyaknow?) to counter Angle.

Roode comes out to the broadcast table and goes on about his Nation of Domination, or whatever the hell it’s called…

The match has been pretty back and fourth and actually very good so far…STRAPS DOWN! MAN BOOBS OUT! CHOKE A BITCH! ANKLE LOCK! Crap! Nice counter wrestling there…ANGLE SLAM!

I’M YELLING CAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! SCOTT?!

@SCOTTSTIENER: “LOL.. Well i accept that challenge,bcuz i dont think she can,Good Luck Brooke,maybe you could do A porn flick like your dad did,or do one with him”

Huh?…Who?…

Anyway, Angle counters off the top rope and gets the roll up for the win!

RESULTS: ANGLE via pinfall @ 12:57

SEGMENT RATING: GOOD (Although Not as good as when they went at it at a younger age, it was still, a very good match to close the show.)

 

After the match, Roode comes out from the announcer’s table to talks smack to Angle. And out come out all his contenders, to talk smack to Roode and Roode looks like he’s about to defecate in his pants… 

 

IMPACT RATING: DECENT (There was a LOT of good here, but some of the other parts of the show dragged this down a little bit. But next week’s Open Fight Night and it’s World Title match should be good…Now what about Slammiversary?…We are less than a month out, and I’d like to at LEAST know what the World Title match will be…)
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Legacy Noob Chronicles: Impact Report 5.3.2012 (Bully Ray, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/04/legacy-noob-chronicles-impact-report-5-3-2012-bully-ray-hulk-hogan-jeff-hardy/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/05/04/legacy-noob-chronicles-impact-report-5-3-2012-bully-ray-hulk-hogan-jeff-hardy/#comments Fri, 04 May 2012 06:38:35 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=141194 Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!

I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:

If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.

If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose,  took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.

If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.

And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment  hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with [Insert Hot Chick] (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.

By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.

 

HEADLINE!

Ok, I’m back and Happy Cinco De Mayo (or what I like to call, “Happy Latino Drinky-Drink Day”)!

And as such, tonight I am gonna do the inaugural “Cinco De Mayo Hogan Drinking Game of DOOM!” (try saying THAT five times fast!) And since we’re talking a Mexican Holiday, guess what will be my drink of choice tonight! That’s right, it will be Tequila (1800 Silver to be exact)!

The basic rules are; 1 shot for anytime Hogan is on TV, and 1 shot for every time “Brother” is said by Hogan. It’s a small list, but with the way Hogan says “Brother”, I expect to be10-sheets to the wind before I publish this…God…I’m gonna feel like crap tomorrow…Sorta like how I feel watching TNA! (HEY-OOOH!!!)

And remember! This is TNA, and if you’re not drunk watching this, you’re not doing it right!

 

TNA IMPACT WRESTLING

MAY 3, 2012, 9pm EST (3am Europe/Zagreb)

“LIVE” from Hulk Hogan’s gay lover (See: Brutis Beefcake (HEY-OOOH!!)).

SIDE NOTE:  I’ve read the mad ramblings of @SCOTTSTINER and @Storm_Wrestling about last week’s show, and I’ve found out that they said EXACTLY what I’ve said about Impact last week That could ONLY mean one thing! I’M A GENIUS! YEAH!! *Takes a shot*

Side SIDE NOTE: Since my NHL Playoff Updates were SO well received, guess what? We will have NHL Playoff Updates all throughout tonight!! (YEAH! *takes a shot*…God… This is gonna be a LONG night…)


SEGMENT 1:

We get a video from last week as Eric is shit…Is?…Yeah, well go with that…

Flair is out to talk about his Swingers party and about how he’s behind Hogan, and candy canes, and liquorish sticks, and how we are supposed to refer to him as God…Except when we have a candy cane, or liquorish stick, in our mouths, then we’re talking like Stu Hart before he puts in his dentures! (RIP- Stu Hart)

He then calls out Hogan, and – *takes a shot* – HOGANMANIA is OUT, BROTHER! (*takes a shot*) AND BROTHER, (*shot*) HE WANTS TO BROTHER (*shot*) FLAIR SP BAD! LIKE BRUTIS BEEFCAKE BAD, BROTHER! (*shot*)

He talks about how Flair owes something back to the “wrestling community”, then makes him a judge?…Ruuuuhuh?….Rrrut Rrraggy? Rrrusn’t Rair a rrrad guy?…

Either way, Flair says he’ll do it, then looks at the crowd like Reverse Psychology kicked his ass! (Which seems to happen more than Chris Brown and Rhianna (Hey-ohhhh!!!))

RATING: AWFUL (To be honest, I didn’t know WHERE in the HELL this was going…Did Flair turn good?…Did Hogan outsmart Flair?…Hell, will the Cubs win a World Series…Yeah, no…But anyway, I’m STILL trying to figure this out…)

 

RAYNE/KIM vs. BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER/SKY

Wow! How much disinfectant does TNA have?…Cause they need it cause Sky was ALL OVER that middle rope entering into the ring!

Anyway, Brooke and Sky were hyping up their skills against Kim and they talked about how one of them were going to take the title off of Kim sooner or later.

#1: Rayne…Lady?…You need a bigger tiara…Your weave is WAY too much for a tiara that size…I’m not saying, but I’m just saying…

#2: Taz…Bro?…That’s not a US Flag Brooke’s wearing…It’s a TEXAS flag (God Bless Texas!)…

#3: And ladies? I see you complaining about your asses, and I have a PERFECT way to figure this out…Let’s have a wet t-shirt contest!…Oh…Wrong body part?…Well, hell, let’s do it anyway!!!

About the match, it was good, had some awkward moments, but luckily, it was kept to a minimum. But, Sky was the “whipping” girl (he he…) and she was getting SPANKED. ALL. MATCH. (and yes, the innuendoes are SO intentional)

But Gail and TIARAGIRL™ had the most advantage but Gail got countered, again, and Brooke pined her for the 3rd straight time.

RESULT: BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER and SKY via pin-fall @ 4:48.

RATING: DECENT (Good match, good story, but I was still waiting for my wet t-shirt contest…)


NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Two games of the Semi-Finals tonight! Here is the Semi-Finals Updates!

-       Los Angeles Kings  up 2-0 over the St. Louis Blues in their series.

-       Phoenix Coyotes up 2-1 over the Nashville Predators in their series.

-       New York Rangers  up 2-1 over the Washington Capitals in their series.

-       And tonight, the New Jersey Devils are up against the Philadelphia Flyers tonight and they are tied 1-1 in the game AND series so far.

 

SEGMENT 2:

Jeff Jarrett won the title again?!…Oh, ha ha, my bad…It was only a hype video about Jeff Jerrett and his 13-hundered other TNA Title wins…Silly me…

RV-STONER-D™ comes out and stumbles on his words like he just came from a Cheech and Chong movie set…He rambles on like he SWALLOWED a bong, WITH 100 dime-bags-worth of “Jamaican Blue”, or whatever those crazy stoners like, about how great he is.

SIDE NOTE: Did anyone notice that the RVD promo was DRASTICALLY edited?…Yeah…The promo was HEAVILY edited…

Roode comes out, and HA! He talks about how “high in the clouds” RVD is…Haha…Damn stoners… (TNA: Where Drug Tests Happen! /*sarcasm*/)

Anyway, Roode talks about how he’s a WRESTLING GOD-AH (© JBL) and runs down the “I choose your opponent, you choose mine” deal. Then makes the match RV-STONER-D™ vs. CRACK HARDY™?…

Uh…Isn’t Hardy a “good” guy?…And isn’t Roode EEEEVVVVIIILLLL?….

“One of these things is not like the other…One of these things is just not the same…”

*Takes a shot*

Then RVD makes Roode vs. Anderson in retort!  (Heh…at least Anderson and RVD are the “good” guys…)

RATING: DECENT  (The RVD thing dragged out a little too ling….but still a set-up…)


SIDE NOTE: I don’t know if it’s the Tequila, but I feel like taking off all my clothes…But I’m not sure…Let me ask the expert…

Q: @CRANKYVINCE, should I get naked while watching TNA?

A: #CRANKYVINCE: IN MY HOT PANTS, ON COUCH WITH RUFUS, WAITING TO WATCH WHAT DILLON IS UP TO ON THE BEVERLY HILLS 90210. CURLING ERECTION.

Welp! It’s decided! SEXY DRINKY TIME!~

RATING: N/A (Too sexy for you pants?…I SO know the feeling….)


SEGMENT 3:

And just as the boneage becomes EPIC WOOD, out comes these ultra-camp guys, dressed in pastel sweaters?…CRANKYVINCE!! Help me?!…

 

#CRANKYVINCE: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO ASSHOLES COLLIDE? SHIT FLIES. EVERYWHERE. FUCK YOU.

 

….Uhh….*pulls up pants…takes a shot*….

Well, at least one of them is ZACK RYDER 2.0™…But who’s the roided up dude?…

Wait?…Oh crap…Quazi-gay?…Pastel shirts?…Overly muscular guys?…. BILLY AND CHUCK 2.0™?…(Duh duh duhhhhhhhh!….)

Well…Yup!…It looks like they’re 10-seconds away from being ORLANDO JORDAN BAIT™!

But, I guess it’s CHUCK 2.0™ vs. D-Von for the TV Title!

RATING: N/A (Just a lead in into the next match)

 

CHUCK 2.0™ vs. D-Von

TNA TV Title Match

Well, despite this match, I have to respect TNA for sticking with this…This has been the THIRD TIME the TV Title has been defended on TV…Now let’s forget about this next week TNA! I know you have a shorter memory span than a gnat and a rock!

This match was basically a Power vs. Power type match up. Until ZACK- I mean BILLY 2.0  interferes into the match, and costs CHUCK 2.0 his title shot.

SIDE NOTE: In case you didn’t notice, cared to notice, didn’t watch, the referee called for the bell for about TWO MINUTES and the timekeeper seemed to ignore his CONTINUOUS pleas to ring the damn bell until after D-Von got WHACKED with a clipboard! CRANKY VINCE!!

#CRANKYVINCE: I KINDLY ASK YOU TO REMOVE THAT VINTAGE COCKTAIL FROM MY TABLE AND POUND IT UP YOUR ASS WITH A MALLET.

…Crap…(*Puts my shirt on*…*takes a shot*…)

RESULT: D-VON via DQ @ 2:53

RATING: AWFUL (It was WAY too disjointed for me to care and the finish was more confusing than a homeless guy on house arrest…)

 

 

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: FLYERS TIE! It’s now 3-3 on a break-away goal by Briere! And Jagr ALMOST scored another! Awesome gameage!!!…

 

SEGMENT 3:

MO, LARRY, and CURL- Oh, I mean FLAIR, AL SNOW, and BRUCE PRITCHARD talk turkey, chicken, duck, and that small bird that taste remarkably like chicken (what’s the name of that kind of bird?…), but mainly about that ABORTION of a 1st match for poor Alex Silva from last week.  (Seriously, he needed a better opponent than BILLY 2.0 last week)

Flair talks about how Silva doesn’t have the “build” (YAY STEROIDS!!!), I guess he’s the Cowell of the group, Snow plays neutral, but slightly towards the new wrestler (Randy Johnson?…), and Pritchard played the “good judge” (Paula Abdul….Oh…Let’s hope that he doesn’t try to “Patterson” the poor new dude…).

Anyway, Flair’s against giving Silva a chance, but Pritchard talks about how Flair had to prove himself…Wait….Wasn’t Flair just “another body”? (©Mr. Wonderful)

Meanwhile, HOGANMANIA™ (*takes a shot*) is out BROTHER (*shot!*), and BROTHER (*SHOT*) he makes the ANDERSON/ROODE match NO-DQ, and BROTHER  (*SHOT!*), THIS BROTHER (*SHOT!!*) is about to TWERK HIS NIPS, BROTHER! (*SHOT!!*)

RATING: DECENT (At LEAST they set-up the whole process of American Ido- I mean, Gut Check…It’s at LEAST original…So, as long as the kinks get straightened, I’ll hold judgement…)

 

HARDY vs. RVD

These guys are usually good…When THERE NOT HIGHER THAN AN SR-71!! (HEY-OOOH!!!)

GOD! Damn that Hogan…Let me ask Scott Stiener what to do? @SCOTTSTIENER!!

#SCOTTSTIENER: Giving yur wife an excuse why u r leaving het to go do yur gay porn video’s yur ex-wife said U were gay …right…

Uhhh…What?….Uhhh…. *SHOT!!!!*

Well, the GROUPIECHIX™ are at ringside (you know…the types that have boob jobs, and dress provocatively, and likes to show their asses- Wait?…I think I’ve just described the Knockouts (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)), but there was a pretty good back and forth match, a little slower, but there were some spots where they used their speed (which is good, cause two fast wrestlers DOES NOT make a good match)…

But Roode ran-in to cost RVD his match…Except he cost HARDY the match (DURR!~) while the referee was distracted…

Wow, it takes a SPECIAL kind of man to get outsmarted by a stoner, so CONGRATS Roode. YOU. ARE. THAT. MAN!…smh….

RESULT: RVD wins via pin-fall @ 4:57

RATING: DECENT

 

SEGMENT 4:

CALVEZILLA™ meets up with the Penn Jillette-looking dude and they talk about Abyss…Why don’t they talk about more important things, like CRANYVICE…

#CRANKYVINCE: IMPARTIAL WOOD.

Indeed Cranky Vince…Indeed…

Either way, CALVIE™ tells the Peen Jillette dude that if he doesn’t get out of his face, he will use the CALVES OF DOOM! To DESTROY HEEEMMMM…..

Later on…CALVIE gets into JB’s FACE! (The FACE mutherfukka, the FACE!) And then drags him out to the ring. He then talks about this Anti-Bully stuff and asks for the pencil-neck geeks (RIP- Freddie Blassie)  to take the “Stop being a BITCH” initiative….THIS is “a change in which we can believe in!!”

Aries comes out with the SHADEZ!~ He stands up to CALVEZILLA but them calves don’t take shizz! He even says that CALVEZILLA has diabettis! (Oh no he did-n’t…)

Well CALVIE don’t play that, and spits in Aries’ FACE! And then it’s BONZO GONZO as Aries is whipping that ass worse than Ike Turner!

But some generic security guards come down to separate them…But CALVIE sees this and NUTSHOT!~

CALVIE walks out with a busted lip and we transition to…

 

Some Bald Guy and Mr. Buzzcut backstage with TERRY FUNK V2™ (Kurt Angle) and that “middle aged and crazy old man” gets pissed off at all that damn infernal racket!!

 

MEANWHILE, Roode is backstage and talks smack about he’s going to keep his title! (yay~…)

RATING: DECENT (The whole CALVEZILLA/Aries deal was GOOD, but everything else was pretty AWFUL)

 

ANGLE/MR. BUZZCUT/SOME BALD GUY vs. STYLES/SOME FAT GUY/MANGUS

Wow! Angle let himself GO! Now he has that Beer gut…Of MUSCLE!!

It was a good match. and with the amount of talent it was expected. Everyone singled out Mr. Buzzcut and it lead to a Styles Clash for the win!

Afterwards, TERRY FUNK V2 is PISSED!

RESULT: AJ STYLES wins via pin-fall @ 4:48

RATING: DECENT (Good match, just wished that it was a tag match with more time…)

 

SEGMENT 5:

The THREE STOOGES- I mean Flair, Pritchard, and Snow, have Silva out into the ring. They judge Silva like this:

-Ric “Cowell” Flair says NO

-Bruce “Ryan Jackson” Pritchard  says YES

-Al “Abdul” Snow says YES

Yay…Alex gets to be a bottom-feeder in TNA!….Wow, that’s like being the smartest person in Special Ed! (HEY-OOOHHH!!!)

 

Meanwhile, the New Jersey Devils and the Philadelphia Flyers are tied and are going OVERTIME! Now THAT’S entertainment!!

RATING: DECENT (It would be great if Al Snow wasn’t getting undermined by the INTERNET! Good God…It’s like the blind leading the blind, over a waterfall, through a rainbow, and over the edge of the MOON! (Moon?…Yes…The moon…))

 

MAIN EVENT: ANDERSON vs. ROODE

NO DQ MATCH

Arch-a-typical?…Someone must be doing this drunk as well….hmmm?…. (FYI, it’s ARCH-TYPICAL…damn drunks…Wait?…)

Well, at least CHUNKY ANDERSON™ lost some weight…Now only if he could get some talent! (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)

Good match, it played to Anderson’s style (I.E.- A brawler)….Until Hardy showed up  then the match went careening down the hill worse than Michael Kelso on a drug trip….Which is pretty much the WHOLE night, tonight! (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)

But the match ended with a Perfect-Plex?…Is today Curt Henning’s Death Day?…And didn’t Roode use the Crossface as a finisher?…Dammit, now I’m DEFINITELY more confused than a Priest at an Orphanage!…DAMN YOU TNA!!! CRANKYVINCE?!

#CRANKYVINCE: STRETCHING MY LOVE MUSCLE.

….Crap…

*SHOT!!!!*

After the match, Roode destroys everyone with a steel chair!

RESULTS: Roode wins via pin-fall @ 10:56

SEGMENT RATING: GOOD (It set Roode as SOMEWHAT of a bad-ass. But it was somewhat abrupt from prior build-ups…But it DID give a good idea of where they’re going here…Which is the ONLY thing I’m asking for.)

 

IMPACT RATING: DECENT (It was mediocre,  but it did have it’s moments. At least we have continuing storylines, which is something that was NEEDED from the last time I’ve watched TNA. This is great…It’s just that some of the guys seems to be off tonight, so it brought down things a little bit. But still a DECENT enough show…Just needs a little more Desu! :D)

 
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Legacy Noob Chronicles: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 04.19.2012 (Bully Ray, Jeff Hardy, RVD) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/04/20/legacy-noob-chronicles-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-04-19-2012-bully-ray-jeff-hardy-rvd/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/04/20/legacy-noob-chronicles-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-04-19-2012-bully-ray-jeff-hardy-rvd/#comments Fri, 20 Apr 2012 06:45:20 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=140398 Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!

I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:

If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.

If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose,  took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.

If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.

And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment  hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with Sophia Vergara (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.

By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.

Now, before I begin to cover this week’s Impact Rasslin, let me cover the PPV from the other night. This will be the usual, as I’m only going to hit on the major points of a PPV so that people know what the hell is going on (yeah right, I could spend hours-upon-hours of trying to figure this out and STILL feel more lost than a Priest in an Alter-boy Convention!).

NOTE that has NOTHING to do with wrestling: I’m not going to lie… I’ve read the spoilers for this show, sorry, but what can I say? The NHL Playoffs are on and I’ve got my Playoff Goatee going! And since I’ve found places that are streaming the playoffs (and my ADD tends to kick my ass), expect NHL Playoff updates! Yay!!

 

SO, HERE! WE!! GO!!!

 

News-bite #1: Eric Bischoff is GONE!

So in the 10-man Lethal Lockdown match (that was pretty run-of-the-mill, by the way), Team Eric LOST to Team Garrett in a match I don’t really care about, nor really want to see any more of. Along with this, Eric can’t use the Bischoff name?…

So, what is his new family name now? And how in the hell is Garrett allowed to use the name “Bischoff”, wouldn’t Eric changing his last name mean that Garrett has to as well?… Hey, maybe he’ll call themselves META WORLD PEACE, and him and Artest could be family! That would SO reek of Kardashian! (Like, she would give most of the locker room BJ’s, Hey-oooohhh!!!)

Oh well, David Flair 2.0 here we come!!! Let’s hope that we don’t have Greg Gagne 2.0…We all know how that SO worked for the AWA, don’t we?…

 

News-bite #2: Storm Lost?

In another MOMENT OF BEFUDDLEMENT™, Storm lost his match with Roode when he Superkicked Roode out of the cage, which allowed Roode to escape the cage and win?…

I’m going to TRY and hold out all snide remarks until I see how this plays out, but wasn’t this technically a 6-month-long feud? And technically, wasn’t this Storm’s moment of glory? And technically, didn’t Roode run down ALL of Storm’s family (dead and living)? And as a result of this, didn’t Storm technically not get revenge, in his home town non-the-less, and look like a fool because of it?

There’s a lot of technicalities in that…Too bad the crowd was deader than a Kate Vick porno (Hey-ooohhh!!!!).

 

And remember! This is TNA: “Where CONFUSION MATTERS!”™

 

 

TNA IMPACT WRESTLING

APRIL 19, 2012, 9pm EST (3pm Pacific/Fakaofo)

“LIVE” in (Place Name Here) Studios in front of 20 people! YAY!!!

 

SEGMENT 1:

And speaking of dead crowds, Impact starts with a video of Lockdown and that crappy ending to the Roode/Storm match, with EMO STORM™ commentary!

RATING: N/A (It was really a set up video)

 

SEGMENT 2:

SLOW STRUT ROODE™ comes down to the ring…With short hair?…What the hell?…The long hair MADE him look bad-ass, like in a HHH-bad-ass-sorta-way…

Now he looks like a taller AJ Styles! Bull-cocky!

At least the crowd is more active than that ABORTION of a crowd in Tennessee…But Roode goes down the “Cocky Champ’s Promo Bible”™ with such favorites as…

“It’s still good to be the Champ!”

“The Challenger couldn’t get the job done!”

…And our all-time favorite…

“Here’s the list of people I’ve conquered!”

But seriously, all Roode needs to do is to throw in “ahs” at the end of his words and he could claim to be: Just. That. Damn. Good. (© HHH)

Well, in WAY better timing than last week, the music of CHUNKY ANDERSON™ comes on and he comes down to the ring and says he wants some of Roode’s ass! (Bom-chicka-wow-wow?)

Anyway, CRACK HARDY™ interrupts. He stumbles around, almost falls over himself and says HE wants some of Roode! (CREATURES!~)

ANDERSON and HARDY get into a slap-boxing competition as I am dying of laughter at Roode’s out of character stirring of the “pot”. (Oh…And RVD is in this show. Hee Hee…)

And OH BROTHER! HOGANMANIA IS RUNNIN’ WILD BROTHER! AND THIS BROTHER IS LOOKING AT THE BROTHERS IN THE RING, AND BROTHER (he makes a #1 Contenders Match with Anderson and Hardy and a Champions get -together later on) HE’S READY TO MAKE THOSE BROTHERS, BROTHER! BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER!!

RATING: GOOD (It set the show and it progressed Roode’s dominance as the World Champion, and that’s something that was SORELY missing from TNA…)

Oh…Angle vs. Styles! I hope that match doesn’t cut out on me at the beginning of the match (*blank stare*)…

NHL PLAYOFF BREAK!

DAMN™! The Devils are SPANKING the Panthers, and HARD (4-0)! Capitals are up by one on the Bruins with one period left and the Phoenix-Chicago game is tied (but the Chicago women are hot…So I’ll let this slide…).

 

CRIMSON/CALVZILLA vs. MORGAN/D-VON

There was a replay of that Bowling-Shoe-UGLY match that Crimson and Morgan had at Lockdown (which PROBABLY was the reason for the crowd’s death that night…).

And wow! Speaking of UGLY PRISON TATS™, Crimson has got some damn UGLY ones!

(By the way, what’s with the Ugly Prison Tattoos with these wrestlers? Is it a modern thing?…Maybe they need to also come out in worn-out, sweat-stained wife-beaters, with a beer in hand, and wearing worn out sweat pants. That way they could go for the full-blown white-trash look!)

Either way, most of the match Morgan served as the “whipping boy” as his damaged leg (from the afore mentioned Lockdown match), and HA! CALVEZILLA called Aries a midget! Maybe he could add “vanilla” in front of that! (HEY-OOOOOHHH!!!)

Anyway, Aries came in and started cleaning house and out of a counter Crimson nailed CALVEZILLA with a spear that wasn’t set up and looked awkward (I was thinking a Clothesline at that moment), and that ending was a little sloppy (I think CALVEZILLA lost grip there, but did a nice recovery) as CALVEZILLA gets the win and Crimson continues his “undefeated” streak.

RESULT: CALVEZILLA and Crimson via pin-fall

RATING: DECENT (Some small screw ups, and a decent little tag team match.)

 

SEGMENT 3:

In the back, Hardy (CREATURES!~) murmurs something about unicorns and liquorish sticks…I think he was talking about his match, but I’m not to sure…CREATURES!

RATING: N/A (As soon as I figured out what the hell he was talking about, I’ll let you guys know…)

 

SEGMENT 4:

Back from a commercial break to see…Garrett out (*rolls eyes*)…DAVID FLAIR 2.0 gets on the microphone as the crowd is…Cheering?…Uh, what?…Wow, those people must be DRUNK!

Anyway DAVID FLAIR 2.0 must’ve got teary-eyed cause he was stammering worse than Jeff Hardy before a match (HEY-OOOHHHH!)! He also looks like he’s about to…Cry?…There’s no crying in Baseball!! MAN UP™!

Awkward moment as AJ Styles gets on the microphone and goes on about how he admires Garrett’s…Balls?…(*Cue cheesy 1970’s porno music* Ohhhhh yeah?…

Anyway, RIC FLAIR GRACIOUSLY stops this idiocy…No, not really?…

……….

…Crap…

So RIC FLAIR CONTINUES this idiocy by first calling out Garrett on his stuttering (HA! BUSTED!!) and then runs down Garrett for being disrespectful (Like David? HEY-OOOHHH!!)  But Ric says that he’s having a party for Eric and their not invited.

Oh me, oh my…I’m sure that they’re going to SO cry themselves to sleep tonight…

Well, if Ric decides to walk around naked, with a robe on, and try to get the stewardesses to touch his “Space Mountain”, I think that it might actually be the party of the year! (And hopefully someone could pull an X-Pac and cut off RVD’s damn ponytail! It’s 2012 for God’s sake!!)

RATING: AWFUL (Still hate the nepotism, but at least it was funny to have the word “Bischoff” beeped out…Although, uh, wasn’t it that ERIC couldn’t use the Bischoff name?…Not TNA?…)

 

SEGMENT 5:

Some dude with a buzz cut and some bald dude talks about some piece of paper…

RATING: N/A (Btw, YES, I know that the “guy with the buzz-cut“ is Karzarian and YES, I know that “some bald dude” is Daniels, but I just feel better calling them the guy with the buzz-cut and some bald dude. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED!!!)

 

ANGLE vs. STYLES

Before I begin, let me say DAMN™! Christy Hemme is HOT!

*pulls up pants*

Anyway, this should be an awesome match, let’s hope it gets some-

……

……….

…The channel went blank…

Welp! You know what time it is?! That’s right, it’s!…

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE TIME!

Well, the Chicago-Phoenix game is still tied 40-minutes in. Washington ALMOST scored a goal, and put the game 3-1 Capitals, but it’s still 2-1 Washington in the 3rd Period.

And 15 minutes later (estimated)…

We’re back on! And it looks like AJ Styles’ ribs are hurt, he has the advantage, and that bald guy and the guy with the buzz-cut are at ring side?

Well, that bald guy gave AJ the piece of paper, and AJ freaks out which allows Angle to get the quick roll up for the win

RESULT: Angle via pin-fall

RATING: N/A (I blame my match cutting out on me on Tennessee and it’s dead crowd…)

 

SEGMENT 5:

That Penn Jillette guy is back and he’s still asking for his brother. He corners and grabs SENIOR PRISON TATS™ (Oh no he didn’t…). Well some legal jargon, some tense words, and SENIOR PRISON TATS tells Penn to go after CALVEZILLA!

RATING: N/A (A lot of N/A’s tonight…Btw, I know who Penn is…But I’m gonna call him that because he SO looks, and talks, like Penn Jillette…)


SEGMENT 6:

All the champions are in the ring as HOGANMANIA™ runs into RVD backstage, AND BROTHER! HE DOESN’T JUST WANT IT MAN ON MAN #1 CONTENDER MATCH, BROTHER! HE WANTS IT A 3-WAY MEN ON MEN, CAUSE HOGANMANIA’S RUNNING WILD, BROTHER! AND HE LIKES WATCHING SWEATY MEN, BROTHER!

Anyway, HOGANMANIA™ leaves looking like he snorted 12 Metabolifes and RVD leaves looking like he smoked an ounce…And cue the NWO-rip off music, NAO!

PUMPKIN HOGAN™ comes out, talks about his obviously severe case of Jaundice (obviously) as he introduces a new thing once a month called “Fight Night”…Like UFC Fight Night (*sniff*…I miss my UFC on Spike…)?

Anyway, the quick-and-the-low is that it’s an open challenge type of deal meets the American Idol, where some “outside” talent (see: contracted talent) comes in and challenges any champion. And basically two people, and Simon Cowell, will tear the newbie a new one! (Or two guys, and Hogan, will decide on giving him a job…)

Roode gets all angry and PUMPKIN HOGAN stops him with CRAZY EYEZ™!   Some Asian chick wants to ask the most redundant question known to man about who’s making this decision! And PUMPKIN HOGAN says it’s him (DUH!)!

PUMPKIN HOGAN then asks for the thing that he SHOULDN’T ask for…He asks for Twitter feedback on who the fan’s want to see…Oh God…Here goes the trolls that will ask for “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to get a shot…

Wait!…Let’s troll TNA, we’ll call it: #HACKSAW FOR THE GOLD!

EPICNESS!!

(By the way, doesn’t this seem like TNA is signing out a blank check they can’t cash?)

RATING: DECENT (This seems like an empty idea that will probably be forgotten two months later…And who’s going to come in and “Challenge”? Hiroyoshi Tenzan? Because I don’t see anything outside of X-Division challengers out there who aren’t signed on to deals with the promotion up North.)

 

GENERIC HLA MULTI-TAG MATCH OF DOOM!!

Some Asian Chick/ROSITA/SARITA/Some Chick With a Crown vs. TARA/MS. SOMETHING-ER-OTHER/PIGGY JAMES/VELVET SKY

So, James is now called “Hardcore Country”? Wow, way to be blatant…Didn’t this chick do a porno?…By the way, speaking of pornos, didn’t I see something about Velvet doing webcam porn on Google?…Matter of fact, didn’t Tara start out as a “ho”?…

Ah, never mind, Phoenix is now up one, 2-1. Washington ties up their series with the Bruins. And Sharks vs. Blues are up next!

…Please have a nip-slip, please have a nip-slip, please have a nip-sli- Oh…Yeah, the match…It was disjointed and WAY too much screaming!

A funny part was how Earl Hebner thought that James was actually hurt, HA! Crazy old, senile, men…Another part was the over-use of the “booty shake”…Ladies…Ladies…You have to have an ASS first to do that…

Well, after Ms. Something-er-other tried for a pin, the women must’ve realized that they need to close up shop, cause that pin break up caused some HAIRY CAREY ACTION™!

And through the craziness, Ms. Something-er-other rolls up someone and wins! Thank…GOD!…

RESULT: Tara/Ms. Something-er-other/Ms. Piggy/Velvet Sky via pin-fall

RATING: AWFUL (Oh wow…What a disjointed mess this match was…)

 

SEGMENT 7:

Anderson is backstage talking to some invisible man about his 3-way (hee hee…) and I make call to the Ultimate Warrior…

RATING: N/A (A hype set-up to the upcoming match)


SEGMENT 8:

MACHO MAN-RAPE FACE™ and ODB are out in their “honeymoon” in the Sun, and I don’t care…

RATING: AWFUL (Remember when Eric Young was awesome?…Me neither…)

 

TV TITLE MATCH

D-VON vs. GUNNER

So now we’re going to have a TV Title Match every week?…Wasn’t TV Title matches  SUPPOSED to be EVERY WEEK?

Anyway, SENIOR PRISON TATS™ had most of the offense most of the match. The match was pretty formulaic, but formulaic works. Basic story was SENIOR PRISON TATS being cocky while D-Von used his cockiness to counter him.

D-Von landed his Spinebuster for the win.

RESULT: D-Von via pin-fall

RATING: DECENT (Formulaic but it worked and made for a serviceable title defense…Now, hopefully they could build back up the TV Title, and not forget about it…Again…)


SEGMENT 9:

Storm is out to explain his loss in his match at Lockdown. Storm feels like he let everyone down and is sorry. He wanted to kill Roode, but it clouded his judgment and caused his loss.

Then Storm transforms into EMO STORM™ as he runs himself down about how he’s not so sure about if he wants to do this anymore, that his luck has run out?…

Uh…Ok…

RATING: DECENT (I hate to argue with this, but wouldn’t a better option be Storm forcing himself back into a title match…You know…like HBK/HHH WM XX-style?)

 

#1 WORLD TITLE CONTENDER 3-WAY MATCH

ANDERSON vs. HARDY vs. RVD

This is the Main Event, and it should be worth all of 6-minutes! Yeah!

Anyway, the match was basically Anderson using underhanded tactics, RVD using his speed and agility, while Hardy is being the quintessential Crash Test Dummy we all know and love.

Hardy is a little slower than usual, which makes sense since he got banged up from his match at Lockdown….And he gave himself a concussion with a Whisper in the Wind…Sigh…Let me go get him some more pain meds…*sadly shakes head*

Well, it’s FINISHERMANIA™ near the end of this match as everyone hits their finishers more than once. But a Twist of Fate counter into a funky-looking backslide gave RVD the win!

RESULT: Your winner and NEW #1 Contender for the World Championship! RVD!

RATING: DECENT (It was just too short of a match, if it had more time to have a better flow, I would’ve liked this match a little more. But it was a good showing for RVD after a long lay off.)

 

IMPACT RATING: DECENT (It was a show after a PPV, so much of this show was just laying the ground work for the next PPV (which is expected). I just wished that they could drop this whole Garrett/Eric deal, send Garrett off to get some more experience, and send some of those guys who’ve got sidetracked in this feud into World, TV, and X-Division title feuds.)
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Interinactivity: 04.06.2012 – Rock / Cena, Undertaker / HHH, Punk / Jericho, Shaemus / Bryan http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/04/06/interinactivity-04-06-2012-rock-cena-undertaker-hhh-punk-jericho-shaemus-bryan/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/04/06/interinactivity-04-06-2012-rock-cena-undertaker-hhh-punk-jericho-shaemus-bryan/#comments Fri, 06 Apr 2012 10:00:32 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=139370 Welcome back to “Interinactivity”. This column is moving to more of a “whenever I feel like it” schedule. It will still be on Fridays, but only when I feel like there’s enough material to do it with. Oh, and I quit doing TNA recaps. I quit that shit hard.

So another WrestleMania has come and gone. And with it, enough “Interinactivity” material to last a thousand winters. This is easily the biggest one I’ve ever done. My apologies in advance for the length. If you’d just like to read my thoughts on a certain part of WrestleMania, then for your convenience I grouped the responses into sections. If your comments are featured and other similar ones aren’t, don’t take it personally if I decided to use yours. With so much to go through, chances are I just found yours first.


Undertaker / Triple H

Scott Keith: Just an amazing performance from both, as they just beat the shit out of each other and let it all hang out.

Blair: This was a solid match, and was better than what I expected. Certainly better than last year’s, not as good as their clash at WM17, but I don’t think anyone really expected it to be. I didn’t really see the point of having the Cell there though, as they didn’t really use it. I mean, I didn’t wanna see these two old dudes fall off it or anything, but if they’re not going to do that, and it’s not going to hinder outside interference, which, unless I’m missing something, wasn’t an issue, then I don’t see why they’d bother putting it up. It would have been the same match without the cell.

 

Scott Keith: I literally don’t think they could have produced a more perfect match given the guys involved, unless there had been blood or something.

Blair: Do those guys involved include Shawn Michaels? Because I found his involvement a bit confusing. Basically it seemed as though he decided to work against whoever the last guy to kick his ass was. Until the end when he just decided “fuck it”. Now again, this is a minor complaint, but I feel like they could have done better if they had EITHER the cell or Shawn Michaels. I don’t think they needed both.

 

Scott Keith: Shawn and Undertaker mend their fences afterwards, and everyone goes out together, because they’re real men who settled their differences like men, and now they respect each other again.  That is what wrestling is supposed to be.  Just fantastic.

Blair: Church!

 

Flaming Wombat: I understand the sentiment for Taker and HHH riding off into the sunset after such a great match, but on the other hand, doesn’t a match like this show that they still have a lot left to offer? HHH is still far from over the hill, and Taker has put on the best match on like 7 or 8 of the past 10 Wrestlemania’s. Do the people who think they should retire now say so as a compliment or an insult? I am curious. Anyway, amazing match.

Blair: Yeah, I’m with Wombat on this one. I think they’ve both at least a little bit left to offer, although I’d add that they should be used sparingly. And it’s entirely possible that Undertaker isn’t far from a cripple these days (as long as that isn’t just kayfabe) so obviously I hope he stops before there’s a real risk of that happening.

 

Punk / Jericho

Scott Keith: Unfortunately that beginning just dragged it down too far to fully recover from.

Blair: I agree that they didn’t need to do that silly stuff at the beginning, but I think it recovered just fine. And I think that it perfectly illustrated just why it was that Punk and Jericho didn’t ever need to go beyond the “Best In The World” storyline, at least on their first outing. The crowd was incredibly into it, especially the last half. The first little bit, not so much.

 

Shamon Of Hedon: Also, anyone else get the feeling Vince saddled Punk/Jericho with the soap opera crap so it wouldn’t steal the show from Cena/Rock, then about halfway through their match Punk and Jericho said “fuck this” and started putting on a clinic? Because the soap opera crap seemed to just abruptly cease right arounf the exact moment they started putting on a clinic.

Blair: Nope. Just you.

WWE does like good wrestling. They just don’t make a habit of it nearly as often as they used to. I’d definitely agree that the match got 100% better once they ditched the lame theatrics though. Even the crowd reaction got better, which isn’t something you can always rely on when you focus on JUST wrestling. It’s a testament to just how good they both are.

But yeah, I doubt anyone else got that impression.

 

Alex Johnson: I got that impression as well.

Blair: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Not everything in wrestling is a conspiracy, kids.

 

Matthew Harrak: Does Chris Jericho’s tights mean his ass is The Best In The World?

Blair: HA.

 

Daniel Bryan / Shaemus

CB: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? AN 18-second SQUASH by Sheamus over Bryan?!?! Wow.

Blair: How long a squash would you have preferred?

 

Scott Keith: Why even bother having it (Shaemus / Bryan) on the show?

Blair: Because they wanted to try and make Shaemus a big deal, and giving him the World Title on the biggest show they do was the best way to try and make that happen. And they wanted to put the belt on him quickly because…

Scott Keith: People LIKE Bryan.

Blair: … because of this. The goal was not to get people to like Bryan. That’s why they have him unable to win most of his matches without cheating, and that’s why they have him abusing whatever the girl’s name is that he’s got hanging around him lately. People seem to have forgotten that. They wanted people to like Shaemus, and that wasn’t happening to the degree they wanted, especially for a guy they gave a Royal Rumble win to. The shorter the match, the less apparent that is. And it gets the belt on Shaemus. Besides, it’s not like anyone was ACTUALLY looking forward to actually seeing that match.

Right?

Scott Keith: I was looking forward to seeing that match.

Blair: Um… why?

 

Mike Gojira: There was a collective gasp as Daniel Bryan lost in 18 seconds. Fortunately, few people in the room knew who Sheamus and Daniel Bryan are, so it didn’t really affect them. For those of us who DID know, that gasp quickly turned into a groan. Well, except for Glazer. He was pretty much indifferent as though he expected it.

Blair: Well, at least I know there was one other person around here who wasn’t all that surprised.

 

Andre 2691: Wow you’ve followed wrestling for how long Keith? People LIKE Bryan????? That would be a perfectly acceptable statement if HE WASNT A HEEL! They’re not supposed to like him. Comparing him to Honkytonk is almost a joke since Honkytonk knew how to play his role and do his job right. The fact that people LIKE Daniel Bryan shows hes just doing a pretty crappy job as a “top HEEL” champion.

Blair: You were headed in the right direction with this, until you started critiquing Bryan for how to do his job as a heel. From where I’m sitting, the guy has done everything he can to get booed, including everything I mentioned above, and was mostly succeeding, I feel, at least until a couple months ago when his heel schtick got SO good that people couldn’t ignore it. That’s when he started getting cheered. Hell, even during his RAW speech where he thanked the crowd, he still was trying to be a dickhead to that girl. Am I wrong on that? I’m curious, what more do people think he could have done to get booed? Does he have to beat the shit out of that poor girl in the ring or does he have to go even further? Let me know what you think.

 

Y2I: Bryan + Sheamus + April 1 = Vince’s idea of a really funny gag. What the FUCK indeed.

Blair: Holy shit. Another one? Seriously? What exactly were you people expecting to see in this match that I’m missing here? All it would have been was Bryan flying around like a maniac trying to make Shaemus look good while people chanted for Bryan. This is like when people got pissed off about the Fingerpoke Of Doom. Were you THAT excited to see the Nash / Hogan classic? Yeah, Vince loves playing on-air gigs during his biggest show of the year. With World Titles and Royal Rumble winners especially.

 

Steven Gepp: And then came that opening 30-second “match”. I was ready to punch anything. These two could have gone for broke and delivered a great match to open the show and pop the crowd.

Blair: No. They couldn’t have. Shaemus would have countered Bryan’s actual wrestling by doing his usual boring thing, which would have been passable as an opener, but it wouldn’t have been good, and there would have been a lot more time to hear the crowd reaction and chants for Bryan, which is not what they wanted. They got them out there, Shaemus got a decent reaction, and he took down Bryan before a lot of people could really notice what the crowd was doing. Who could blame them for not thinking that people would be chanting for Bryan into the next match and the next night on RAW? I wouldn’t have thought that. And I LIKE Bryan.

 

Ralph Hardin: And before I could even get comfortable in my chair, months of character development and effort by Daniel Bryan were thrown out the window put the World Heavyweight Championship on Sheamus in an 18-second throwaway squash that does nothing for anyone.

Blair: This match was not SUPPOSED to be about Daniel Bryan. He’s the heel. Remember? It was supposed to be about Shaemus. That guy who won the Royal Rumble – it was supposed to be about him and about all the time and money they’ve invested in the guy, and getting a return on that investment, which, so far, they haven’t done. Is this result going to change that? No. But they’re taking their best shot.

 

Ralph Hardin: By the way, the fact that it was the opening match was another slight in my opinion to both Bryan and Sheamus… I mean, win the Royal Rumble and jerk the curtain?.

Blair: Except that the World Title match opened the show last year too. And yes, Shaemus won the Royal Rumble and is jerking the curtain. Because Shaemus is bland and uninteresting. He sucks. Winning the Royal Rumble doesn’t make it any less so.

 

Matthew Harrak: Wooooah that was a pop for Sheamus. I’m hoping we can hear the crowd a little better this year.

Blair: Yeah, it was the acoustics! That was it. I was talking with Lisa earlier, and we both agreed, Shaemus killed. I mean…

ME SO SAWWY!

 

Sideshow Bob: Hey Blair, serious question.. Since Shaemus won, in one move, does this increase or decrease your perception of his workrate? Match goes did, but since he was able to do it in one move, is this the most spectacular move ever, or no? Just curious because if it was one move performed to perfection, he would then have a 100% strike/takedown ratio… So how does this figure in?

Blair: That finisher is the same one that Matt Morgan uses. So, it’s good that Shaemus has been reaching for the stars with that. Call me crazy, but I don’t actually know what “workrate” is. I don’t think anyone does. I think it’s one of those IWC terms that people throw around, but when different people use it they mean different things. Does it refer to technical skill? Arial ability? Selling? Endurance? Ability to have a match that’s not the same every time? I don’t know. I don’t really want to know. But I don’t think Shaemus has any of those things. Whatever it is, he’d have to go back in time to have a 100% strike / takedown ratio since a ton of people have taken the move and still beaten him. Actually, that could help make him more interesting. I’d watch the shit out of Shaemus if he were a time traveller. I guess this answer is kind of all over the place. Probably because I don’t really understand the question. To take a stab at it, I don’t think that match shouldn’t be increasing or decreasing anyone’s perception of what Daniel Bryan or Shaemus’ “workrate” is, regardless of what “workrate” means. But that question may have been a joke.

 

Joel Leonard: The problem is that right now, there are fans out there that don’t understand that Daniel Bryan and Sheamus is not the match for that to happen on.

Blair: I would hitch my wagon to that pack of horses.

 

J Adam C: Bryan and Sheamus are obviously going to continue their feud.

Blair: No, they won’t. WWE are still trying to get the majority of the crowd to cheer for Shaemus. You gotta give them credit for sticking by the guy. Putting Shaemus against someone who a majority of people are ACTUALLY cheering for isn’t going to accomplish that. Hence why Shaemus is facing Del Rio.

 

CJ: I’m sure Blair got a good laugh out of the heat Sheamus got tonight

Blair: Aw. No, I’m not happy that anyone fails. All I’m saying is that I saw it coming a mile away. I’ve been saying it for almost a year now. But the Shaemus babyface push HAS failed. After what I read about and YouTubed on RAW, there’s not a lot of debate left to be had on that. Or maybe WWE has failed, in getting him “over” or whatever. Probably some combination of the two, realistically. Either way, it’s not really funny. It’s also just not surprising.

I mean, truthfully, I feel bad for the guy. It’s not like I’m some heartless…

Mike Gojira: Honestly, the first thought that came to my mind when Miami booed Sheamus on Raw was, “Blair Douglas must be loving this moment.”

Blair: … bastard.

 

Cynical Bastard: I would say the lukewarm reception he (Shaemus) gets is because he hasn’t had an actual feud since… I can’t even remember. He comes out and squashes random people here and there. I’m not arguing that it’s because he hasn’t been pushed, because that’s not true, he just hasn’t had any compelling story going on or even been getting a lot of TV time. Bryan, by contrast, has been getting a lot of TV time and interviews lately.

Blair: Yeah… but the guy won the Royal Rumble. And it’s not like he was getting huge reactions when he was feuding with Henry or anything. And Bryan has used his TV time to cheat and be a dick to his girlfriend, so I don’t get how a guy who everyone thinks is so awesome isn’t able to get cheered over that. You’re entitled to your opinion, of course. You think it’s because he hasn’t had a storyline. I think it’s because he sucks.

 

Benny Brown: Sheamus got what sounded like a decent (but not great) face pop after winning the match Sunday. That said, there were a lot of empty seats at the time. The Bryan chants throughout the evening – and there were several – would have me believe that the crowd would have been highly upset to see that match result if it happened later in the evening. At least in Miami, Sheamus can’t touch Bryan’s popularity. That clip from above is 100% accurate, judging from what I heard Sunday. Can Sheamus be a face and sell a few shirts? Yes. Can he be the face WWE obviously wants him to be? I wouldn’t bet on it. Bryan has a much better chance of getting that far.

Blair: Good points – and I admit, Shaemus got a decent face pop after winning, and when he came out. Certainly better than I expected. Likely being the first wrestler out there helped with that. But regardless, I never claimed he didn’t. But “decent” is also not all that good. Not World Title good. And not anywhere near as popular as WWE wants him to be. And he’s not getting this “cornerstone” status that everyone claimed he would have by now. Which is the point I’ve been making for some time.

 

Flaming Wombat: Also, awesome to see Sheamus getting putting over huge, even though it was a horrible booking decision and Bryan (and Sheamus too, actually) deserved better. Awesome, because what Blair said had to happen for Sheamus to be considered huge is exactly what did happen.

Blair: Wrong again. What I said was that putting Shaemus over on that show was the best CHANCE of WWE being able to start making him “huge”. I also said that even if they did that, I didn’t think they’d succeed. The crowd being behind Bryan and not Shaemus when Bryan is supposed to be a dick who abuses his girlfriend, and NOT Shaemus, who has had ALL of WWE’s support to this point and has been babyface booked to the moon… is an embarrassing result. And if you have any doubts, watch RAW, read a recap, or check out the news piece that CB posed of Bryan’s speech to see how your boy Shaemus is doing getting over huge. I’m not even really happy about it, honestly – maybe Shaemus is a nice guy or whatever. It’s not like I want the guy to fail. I’m just saying I saw it coming a mile away.

I was pretty confident I was gonna be right about this Shaemus thing. But even I never expected that I’d be right to this degree. This is hilarious. Bryan has done EVERYTHING he can to get booed up to this point. Shaemus has done EVERYTHING he can to get cheered. Both guys had the company fully behind them in pushing both goals. But Bryan gets cheered and Shaemus is getting booed. Because he sucks. Bryan loses in 18 seconds and gets this. Shaemus gets a Royal Rumble win and a babyface World Title win at WrestleMania and gets… this.

 

Cynical Bastard: I know the answer before I ask, but did you ever consider that possibly, and quite rightly so, the audience is bullshit that one of their Wrestlemania world title matches was an “18 second” squash? I like Sheamus, and I think that was a lousy move. If he was going to win the belt, there should at least have been a match.

Blair: I don’t think that theory holds a lot of weight, honestly, but I do see what you’re saying. I’d agree with you that it didn’t HELP Shaemus that the match was kept short, and, as Wombat said, both guys deserved better. I just don’t care that much because I don’t think the match would have been any good regardless, and I also HIGHLY doubt the RAW crowd would have been that much more behind Shaemus if it had gone any longer.

 

Ryan Alarie: Ultimately though, Sheamus is being booed, and Daniel Bryan is getting chants, mostly because of that one match. Having Bryan go out first, and lose to single move, at Wrestle F’in Mania, one year after the same pairing was left off the card completely, is just so insulting, that there had to be a reaction. One of the best wrestlers, and most interesting characters, on the roster, and you just basically throw it away as a technicality so that you can get to the much more important Kane Vs. Orton “I regret shaking your hand that one time” grudge match.

Blair: I’ve seen a few comments like this – ones that claim that Bryan’s recent support and Shaemus’ recent lack of support are all from this one match. The thing about this is that it doesn’t take into account that Bryan has been getting more support since a few months before WrestleMania, because of the great work that he’s been doing with his heel routine. Now, of course, Sunday certainly kicked that up a notch, but to suggest that this is ALL because of WrestleMania is silly. Shaemus’ reactions have been dying down slowly since mid-last-year. And he was never really all that popular to begin with. It’s not like this is an isolated incident. It’s the continuation and acceleration of something that’s been happening for months.

 

Mike Gojira: While it’s true that the crowd shat all over the Great White’s promo, I’m willing to bet it was more for the poor treatment of Daniel Bryan the night before more than anything else.

Blair: Okay, again, I disagree. But let’s say that you’re right. Why should the crowd care about Bryan? He’s the heel. Shaemus is the babyface. If Shaemus, after winning the Royal Rumble over Chris Jericho, can’t get over on a guy who can’t win matches on his own and abuses his Diva, then that’s a poor reflection on Shaemus, not on the match.

 

Ryan Alarie: While the argument that the World Title match didn’t hurt Bryan has merit, that doesn’t retroactively make it a good move. The overwhelming crowd response is because of that match. The audience wanted to see Bryan and, were given him doing barely anything (on Raw, he had another brief appearance, before they let him out to do something at the end of the show). It also turned the audience on Sheamus as a nasty side effect. (the fact that the audience hated Del Rio is part of it, but I think has more to do with Del Rio’s entire WWE career up to this point being disappointing).

Blair: You’re right that it doesn’t retroactively make it a good move, but you’ve got the rest ass-backwards. The match is not the reason for the crowd reaction. As I said, that (continually decreasing support for Shaemus and increasing support for Bryan) is something that’s been slowly building for months. And that crowd reaction was at least PART of the reason that the match was kept short in the first place. WWE does listen. They see “YES” signs in the crowd. The listen to fans at house shows. Shaemus was continuing to decline in popularity. Bryan was starting to rise in popularity. Both those things happened despite the best efforts on the parts of WWE, Bryan, and Shaemus. So WWE cut the match short, told Rock and Cena they had some extra time, or just told Brodus to suit up and improv a few minutes or something, and Bob’s your uncle. They’re not ready to give up on Shaemus yet. They’re trying to protect him. And good for them – Shaemus has done everything they wanted him to do. I just don’t think it’s going to work.

Here’s what I think is the OTHER part of the reason the match was kept short.

 

Mike Gojira: Look, for months now Daniel Bryan’s character has been that of a sniveling, cowardly heel, doing all he can to escape his matches with the World Heavyweight Championship around his waist. He used the Money in the Bank briefcase to fuck over Big Show, he used AJ to escape Show’s rampage, and he used the confines of a steel cage to his advantage against two lumbering behemoths. Story-wise, it was only fitting that Bryan was embarrassed on the Grandest Stage of Them All.

Blair: Yes. YES!

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

That’s the right answer.

Now, as long as you don’t…

Mike Gojira: As a fan, I can’t say I’m happy about missing out on Bryan’s in-ring performance.

Blair:

GOJIRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Flaming Wombat: All the big faces and heels were getting opposite reactions on RAW, so if you want to use this show as proof that Sheamus has failed as a face, then you also have to say that Bryan/Del Rio/Jericho/Cena/et al have failed in their roles as well. The crowd hated the brevity of the WM match, not the winner. What’s funny is, the group I watched the PPV with remarked how loud Sheamus’s face pop was, both for his entrance and win, and it was only after I came on here that I heard that he was “getting booed”. But now Blair, like a Resident Evil boss, has shape-shifted his argument into a new one against which we will have to apply new bouts of reason.

Blair: You keep pointing out that I’ve changed my argument. But really, you’re the one who continues to do that. You keep making odd excuses for the guy. You also keep making odd comparisons. “He’s only getting booed because of the short match” and “then Blair has to acknowledge that (insert name here) sucks because of (insert comparison that makes no sense and doesn’t take other variables into account here)”.

So because it was a short match, they immediately started chanting for the heel of the match who lost? That’s just silly. Did they all make those “YES” signs as soon as the match was over as well? How about Shaemus’ RAW reaction? How about them chanting for Bryan when Shaemus was in the ring and Bryan wasn’t even out there?

My argument is the same as it’s always been. Which is pretty much what Benny Brown said above. For some reason, you seem to think that I’m saying that Shaemus is worthless – I’m not saying Shaemus is worth ZERO dollars. I’m not saying he gets ZERO reaction. I was actually surprised at the ‘Mania reaction the guy got – way bigger than I expected. But hardly all that impressive. And, I hate to keep repeating this, but the guy sucks. People see it. He’s not getting to Cena / Orton / Punk levels, like many suggested last year – and yes, that did happen. It’s not happening so much anymore. People started abandoning support for this guy before 2011 was even out, and much of it wasn’t even real in the first place. You want to stick up for the guy – cool. But to suggest something like chants for Bryan and boos for Shaemus are because of a short match make no sense to me. Maybe they make more sense to other people, but you seem to be having trouble convincing anyone of that.

 

Flaming Wombat: I just rewatched the WM “match” to see if it was all in my head (ears?), but no, Sheamus does get a pretty huge face pop for the pinfall and title change. Seems like people liked the title change when it happened, but couldn’t get over the non-match and wasting of Daniel Bryan.

Blair: I wouldn’t go anywhere near the word huge, but yeah, of course he got a reaction. No one is saying he didn’t.

But think about how they chanted for Bryan during most of the Orton / Kane match, and then think about RAW.

Think about it.

All of you.

Just for a second.

How likely is it that most of a crowd… in unison… decided to start chanting for a HEEL, while deciding to boo the babyface… because they were upset about a short match?

Isn’t that kind of an odd method of protesting what happened, let alone for that amount of people?

 

Time has lost all meaning. This is the last one of these on Shaemus and Bryan that I’m doing.

Mike Gojira: Blair, I ask you to reserve judgment of Sheamus’s push until at least Extreme Rules. If the crowd remains firmly behind Daniel Bryan no matter what city he’s in and loudly boos Sheamus, then I will admit that Sheamus’s title run isn’t what many expected it to be.

Blair: Daniel Bryan and Shaemus are now, after WrestleMania – to me anyway – two separate issues. It was one thing when they were against each other. Now, it’s a bit different, especially if they aren’t facing each other again in the immediate future. As for Bryan, I don’t see his support dwindling anytime soon – watch SmackDown tonight, and let me know – I’ve read the spoilers. And Bryan is STILL talking shit about that girl. Still he gets “YES” chants all night long. As for Shaemus, his support, as I’ve said, has been tenuous for a long time, and what little he did have is now in jeopardy after being put against Bryan. And unless they involve Bryan in his feud, Shaemus’ reactions don’t really have all that much to do with Bryan anymore.

Buddy, you’re about a year late in asking me to reserve my judgement of Shaemus’ babyface push. Sorry. I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass. I’ve just never seen what most of you guys see. I just don’t. They’ve given him every possible opportunity as a babyface and as a heel and it still, to me, doesn’t seem to be working. I still see it as the Ken Anderson thing all over again.

 

Rock / Cena

Nic Super: They should have taken about 10 min off this match and given tat time to Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus. That could have been a *** match.

Blair: Holy shit. That physically hurt to read.

 

Cynical Bastard: He (Cena) actually put in the effort to strike a nerve with the people booing him for a change, which was great to see.

Blair: Yeah. If he did even just little things like this more often, then maybe people would stop calling for him to turn heel. At the very least, he’d be way less embarrassing to watch. Actually, I bet they’d get more people to cheer him if they just did a couple little things along those lines.

 

Scott Keith: My god, who would boo Machine Gun Kelly?  No friend of mine, that’s who.

Blair: Holy Christmas Keith, this better be sarcasm. I can’t tell. That guy was horrible, and “this is much more than a wrestling match” was one of the most embarrassing things he could have possibly said. No idea what they were thinking there. I literally cringed. Embarrassing.

 

Steven Gepp: Then we get some… Well, I guess it’s what the cool kids call music. This wasn’t fun, but did allow me to rush to the toilet.

Jerry Seinfeld: It was more like a full-body dry-heave set to music.

 

Steven Gepp: I wanted to hate this match just because of the way it was built and the way it had been promoted and everything else.

Blair: Oy.

 

Steven Gepp: It ran circles around Rock/Hogan at WM18.

Blair: I disagree with this. It had the same kind of vibe, but Rock / Hogan was way more fun to watch, especially with the crowd reactions, nostalgia, and back-and-forth stuff. That’s just me. I get what you’re saying, though.

 

Mike Gojira: The Rock vs John Cena was a good match, but not epic. It’s a great example of how overhyping can lower expectations. That’s why Hogan/Rock at Wrestlemania XVIII worked so well: no one expected it to be anything special, and it was never built as such.

Blair: Church.

 

Joel Leonard: At the very least this match needed to be a shoe in for match of the year. And you know what? It’ wasn’t even the match of the night.

Blair: Well, that’s just absurd. It was never going to be match of the year. It was never going to be match of the night. Look at the participants involved, look at the other matches on the card, and then look at past “Match Of The Year” pairings. It wasn’t really about a wrestling match. Just like that white rapper who isn’t Eminem or John Cena said before the match.

 

Scott Keith: Rock was a bit gassed, but he just went 30 minutes after being retired for years, can you blame him?

Blair: I wouldn’t have thought so. But apparently from reading the comments and articles around the site, some people can. How dare The Rock not continue training for a sport he doesn’t compete in anymore?

This leads into…

 

Shamam Of Hedon: Cena carried the Rock. Period.

Blair: There are comments like this all over the place. No idea what they’re based on. But let’s say that’s the case – I don’t know that it is or not, but let’s give you the benefit of the doubt. Does that mean Cena should have won? Look at all those people who carried Ultimate Warrior. You really thought Ted DiBiase should have beaten him a bunch of times?

 

Tyler: I still can’t believe Rock went over after Cena carried the match because the Rock was blown up after the arm drags. I felt cheated out of my $65 dollars, since the “classic” was anything but. Seriously, I was laughing the whole way through the main event because they had to keep doing rest holds so Rock could try to catch his breath. Cena only looked hit or miss technically cause he had to do all the lifting as Rock could not help him at all. Definitely a lackluster show that started with a dud and finished with a dud.

Blair: Right. As soon as Rock got tired, why didn’t Vince just go “ROCK, WHO IS NO LONGER A WRESTLER, IS TIRED?!?! THAT SON OF A BITCH!!! CHANGE THE FINISH!!!”

 

Ralph Hardin: It really just seems to me that Cena could have gotten the clean-but-hard-fought win and then received a handshake from the Rock that might have re-established Cena as a more universally-accepted face.

Blair: It really just seems to me that it should have occurred to more people that just MAYBE The Rock coming back was about something OTHER than passing the torch to John Cena? You know, stuff like making money for himself and WWE, and getting promotion for his movies?  Apparently some people assumed that he JUST came back because he REALLY liked this John Cena guy, who most people hated, and wanted to put him over. As if somehow that would be a worthy use of his time, given what sounds like an insanely busy movie schedule.

 

Alex Johnson: And yes, Cena carried Rock. It was far from the masterpiece that it was hyped up to be. Rock seemed soooo out of his element. Definitely not Wrestlemania Caliber. Especially after that HiaC.

Blair: I already addressed the “carried’ stuff. But what the fuck? Hyped as a masterpiece? Who did that? They said it was a huge match. NO one expected a masterpiece.

Listen carefully, you idiots. If you wanted Cena to win – fine. That’s cool. But don’t pretend that it’s because Rock got tired. Besides, Rock did a LOT more work in that match than Cena did. Cena did his same old routine of lame-looking moves. Rock hit some great moves – hard-hitting (DDT and other stuff), ariel (cross body), and hell, even a technical rollup. NO idea where the hell he busted that out from. It wasn’t like he NEEDED to do any of those things for the match to come off well. If he actually was tired – which is an idea based on nothing because he could have just been selling – it’s because Rock is not a full-time wrestler anymore. He hasn’t been for almost a decade. He left that behind to pursue a career that made him more money, got him more recognition and success, and was easier on his body.

But yeah, fuck The Rock, right? We can’t blame him enough for not wanting to to be successful without living a circus lifestyle.

Here’s the bottom line.

The Rock is not my favorite wrestler. He never was.

But he does not owe the WWE anything.

He does not owe the fans anything.

He gave back what he needed to give. He put over Brock. He put over Goldberg. He sort-of put over Orton. He lost MOST of the WrestleMania matches he wrestled. It’s not his fault that Cena sucks, and it’s not his responsibility to try and fix that.

 

Matthew Harrak: Did anyone really believe the celebrity was going to lose?

Blair: Okay, so this was a quote for the Divas match. But I felt like it applied here. So there you go.

 

Ralph Hardin: Now here’s the biggest head-scratcher for me? I just do not get putting Rock over Cena?

Blair: And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze.

Here are the Roundtable picks for Rock / Cena:

James Alsop: John Cena
Chris Sanders: The Rock
Steven Gepp: John Cena
Rhett Davis: John Cena
MC Brown: John Cena
CB: John Cena
Jonah Kue: John Cena
Mike Gojira: John Cena
Ralph Hardin: John Cena

EVERYONE (9 writers total) except Chris Sanders felt SURE that Cena would win. I’m not faulting anyone for picking Cena or anything – not in the least – but Alsop said the match was about passing the torch. It wasn’t. Gojira said that the entire point of the match was to give the fans an underdog to root for. It wasn’t. Davis said that Cena is the top guy in WWE and Rock knows it. That doesn’t have anything to do with anything, as Rock is not a regular WWE performer. Kue said that Cena NEEDED to win to stay relevant after the match. I don’t see how that’s the case. Hardin said there was NO reason why The Rock should win, because Cena is the face of the WWE. That doesn’t make any difference either, because Cena is the face of the WWE whether he wins or loses, and Rock is the star. That leads me to Sanders, the ONLY GUY on that Roundtable smart enough to take into account how much WWE has catered to The Rock in the past year.

I didn’t participate, but I did write in the comments before WrestleMania how I figured that Rock was going to win. I wanted Rock to win because I think Rock is better than Cena is ever capable of being. That said, I think either finish – Rock or Cena winning – could have worked. There’s any number of things they could have done.

But here’s what everyone forgot for some reason.

The Rock is a celebrity. A huge celebrity? No. A bigger celebrity than every single person on the WWE roster, combined, and then doubled? Yes. The guy is incredibly valuable to WWE.

On that merit alone, I figured that Rock would beat Cena. It’s not like Bam Bam Bigelow beat Lawrence Taylor. Big Show didn’t beat Floyd Mayweather. Chris Jericho didn’t beat Micky Rourke. Whoever it was that fought Snooki (I’m not looking it up) did not beat Snooki. Hell, that whore from Extra could have ACTUALLY shat herself mid-match and still would have beaten that one WWE Diva that everyone pretends is good.

Not only that, The Rock is one of the 3 biggest mega-stars that WWE has had, ever. The only other guys on that level are Hogan and Austin. MAYBE The Undertaker – and that’s a big maybe.

John Cena is – however much you like or dislike him – and I don’t dislike him – not ANY of those things.

So if I were a betting guy, 10 out of 10 times, my money goes on Rock. Again, I think there’s any number of things they could have done for a finish that would have worked. But given those facts, I can’t fathom why ANYone is actually, legitimately, surprised.

You guys are all crazy and weird.

All of you.

No worries though, I’d still totally do you. You crazies are all right!


That’s it for “Interinactivity” for this week. I hope everyone enjoyed. I worked hard on this one.

Remember to comment or shoot me and e-mail at bdouglas@insidepulse.com. I’m going to try to go back to not commenting on these, and just include all my responses when the next instalment goes up. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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Air Up There: 03.30.2012 – WrestleMania XXVIII… “Buildup” And The Bottom Line http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/30/air-up-there-03-30-2012-wrestlemania-xxviii-buildup-and-the-bottom-line/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/30/air-up-there-03-30-2012-wrestlemania-xxviii-buildup-and-the-bottom-line/#comments Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:00:49 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=139029 As any regular readers probably know, I tend not to watch a lot of wrestling on TV, except of course, TNA for the past few weeks, but hopefully that will be over soon. I normally read what was on the show and will YouTube the highlights. I bring this up because I normally DO watch the RAW’s leading up to WrestleMania. This year, I watched the first 2 weeks of the buildup after the Elimination Chamber PPV, but between being pretty bored by the show, as well as reading backlash on the site here about “buildup”, I decided to just black out on WWE until WrestleMania. The only WWE I’ve watched is the odd snippet, and I only know what’s going on because of Scott Keith’s RAW recaps.

WrestleMania, on the other hand, is likely a show I’ll always watch. That and Royal Rumble (although the last couple years might have cured me of my love for Royal Rumbles.) I kind of grew up on it, and if you’re going to watch ONE show in full, it may as well be WrestleMania.

The point is, I’ve been reading a LOT of bitching and moaning about the WrestleMania “buildup”. And it’s not that I disagree in all cases, but really, it’s no worse than the usual stuff that WWE does. This is why I just decided to not bother watching almost anything leading up to the PPV. During the course of a normal year, I pretty much do the same thing. PPV’s are the climax – WWE TV is a wrestling-related variety hour. The odd time, you’ll see something good. But PPV’s are where the wrestling matches… which is what all wrestling feuds by definition must lead up to… happen. And you don’t need to watch all this buildup because they show you the highlights before the matches anyway.

This got me to thinking – why bother WATCHING the buildup if you think what they’re doing is idiotic? Let’s say that you think the buildup for Punk / Jericho is dumb. Is that really going to impact your enjoyment of the match? Because if it is, just don’t watch it. Just watch the match.

 

Do you really think some of the most shit-tacular matches from the last decade could have been saved by better story-telling? What would have needed to be done to make the World Title match between Kozlov and Triple H good? How about this upcoming match between Orton and Kane? Or 95% of all Diva and Knockout matches?

You know that awesome Mark Henry title run that happened last year? The “buildup” for that whole thing… was actually pretty decent. And that’s very rare in wrestling these days. You know why it didn’t work? Because the end result involved Mark Henry having to wrestle when he can’t even BREATHE properly.

Take a look at Savage / Steamboat from WM3 – generally speaking, most people like that match. Do you ever hear anyone say “the buildup for that match is one of the best buildups of all time!” or “that match would have been nothing without the storyline!”. Of course not. That would be silly. The match is what was good. Steamboat was the fiery good guy. Savage was the huge asshole that everyone hated. That came across in the match without having to have watched a frame of either of them before that to enjoy it. And the match is the most important thing that there is. That’s what it all builds to.

Chris Benoit .vs. Triple H .vs. Shawn Michaels was the main event of WrestleMania 20. That match is praised as a great wrestling main-event, and one of the only good Triple Threats of all time. The buildup for that match involved Shawn Michaels getting into the match by superkicking Chris Benoit in the face and signing a contract that didn’t have his name on it in the first place.

Hulk Hogan .vs. The Rock is going to go down as one of the biggest WrestleMania matches of all time. Generally speaking, most people like that match. The crowd went more absolutely unglued batshit insane for that match than any match I’ve EVER seen in wrestling. Do you think that crowd lit up because of a storyline that involved Hulk Hogan driving a mack truck through The Rock’s ambulance? Or because they had Rock no-sell the injury and be back in the ring in 2 weeks? Of course not. They liked it because Hogan and Rock played that crowd like a fiddle.

 

I tried to take different kinds of matches to make my point. But really, those are just a few examples. Listen, I’m not saying buildup can’t help a match. It absolutely can. But you can’t throw a fat fuck like Mark Henry in there with an untalented fuck like The Miz and expect anything but disaster. It doesn’t matter how good the “buildup” is or how good either is “on the mic”. Once they get in there, they pretty much don’t have any of that to fall back on. I don’t care if they’re fighting for a fucking rocket launcher. It’s going to suck. There’s literally no way around it.

One more thing before I go – I’m not ripping on the people who write wrestling shows. They’ve got a tough job. Consider that your average series that doesn’t get cancelled will sometimes go between 5-10 years. That’s a long time to do shows and not run out of ideas. Wrestling has been going on forever, and they have 10-12 hours of content a week. You can only find so many reasons for guys to get in tights and wrestle without rehashing old stuff or running out of ideas.

Obviously, if you ENJOY the wrestling TV shows and how they build storylines, then hey, Bob’s your uncle. For myself, I don’t enjoy about 90% of what they put out in that department. That’s why I don’t bother watching much of the TV and will focus on where the matches (that aren’t 3 minutes long) happen. That’s my personal preference, and I’m not suggesting that everyone likes the same stuff. What I’m suggesting is that if you don’t like the programming, stop watching the fucking show.

I’ve seen people who enjoy Chris Jericho and CM Punk say that they’re now NOT looking forward to the match because of whatever they’ve done with the buildup. This is just one of those things that wrestling fans do that I just can’t understand. Like, say you saw the match and it was great. Does that erase what, in your opinion, is a bad storyline? Or do you actually enjoy it less while it’s happening because you don’t like that Jericho said something about Punk’s dad? I’m legit curious.

Either way, despite how generally bad and boring WWE’s programming can be… I would suggest to any of you that they usually find a way to make WrestleMania a pretty decent show, by hook or by crook. Last year was the worst one I’d seen in a long time, but that doesn’t happen all that often. So just sit back and enjoy it. I think that Punk / Jericho is going to be great. And I’m sure that Rock / Cena, if it isn’t good, will probably at least be really fun to watch. Triple H / Undertaker… well, that remains to be seen.

You know what I’m looking most forward to? Shaemus. You guys spent months telling me how Shaemus was gonna be huge after this show. You were all so sure. So I’m looking very forward to seeing how they make that happen.

 

I won’t be covering WrestleMania in any capacity, I will be travelling to the US this weekend on a non-WrestleMania-related matter. I’m in a hotel that I won’t be paying for, so I can watch WrestleMania on hotel PPV without having to pay for it. (I don’t pay for PPV’s.) I’m planning on enjoying it, or not enjoying it – but either way, I will not be worrying about who called who a kung-pow whatever.

This has been “Air Up There”. Thanks for reading, have a good weekend, and enjoy WrestleMania.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.29.2012 – Hulk Hogan, Sting, Bobby Roode http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/29/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-29-2012-hulk-hogan-sting-bobby-roode/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/29/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-29-2012-hulk-hogan-sting-bobby-roode/#comments Fri, 30 Mar 2012 03:00:52 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=138955 This week, I’m a bit pressed for time. I’m going through TNA at RECORD speed. Part of this is because I have a half-column I’m working on for tomorrow, and part of it is because TNA is… you know, terrible. Last week was just unbelievable.

TNA Impact Wrestling

Bobby Roode still sucks. He bought the Orlando Police department. Or something. They came down to the ring with him and did everything he said. TNA must pay more than we think. Storm comes out and talks. He tries to fight Roode. Bully Ray jumps him from behind and the cops did nothing. Storm kicks Ray’s ass and the cops did nothing. Roode bails. The cops do absolutely nothing. They just left. Storm wants to fight Roode and Ray at once.

Heroin Girl doesn’t want to be friends with Gail Kim anymore. So Gail Kim got her a crown, because Heroin Girl is her queen. Heroin Girl is happy now.

 

Heroin Queen .vs. Velvet Skye

I don’t think so.

Winner: Joseph Hargrove

After the match, Velvet got a microphone and didn’t perform as well as I assumed she would in front of a phallicly-shaped device.

 

They show Dixie and Hulk Hogan talking, via a camera that is spying on them while they are on a park bench. Creepy. Dixie continues playing the dumb girl role that she’s been practicing for years. They spend 3 minutes of airtime talking about nothing, and all we get out of it is that Hulk will be on Impact tonight.

Kurt Angle hates Jeff Hardy. And he hates his kid. Angle wants Hardy to fight Ken Anderson.

Austin Aries comes out. Tenay says he is taking time from Crimson .vs. Matt Morgan. So he’s clearly the biggest babyface in TNA. Anyway, he’s mad at Bully Ray. He wants to team up with Storm against Ray and Roode.

 

Matt Morgan .vs. Crimson

The ring could not contain such awesome wrestling. Double-count out.

Winner: No One

 

Jeff Hardy .vs. Ken Anderson

Fucking awesome matches tonight. Jeff Hardy painted eyeballs on his eyelids. The commentary for these matches is mostly involving talking about how Hulk Hogan will show up and talk to Sting and Dixie again.

Winner: Ken Anderson

 

James Storm Music Video

So this is an actual thing, but it turns out that James Storm doesn’t sing a line of this song. Another guy sings it, but at one point Storm DOES lip-synch. The music video features Storm drinking in a bar mixed with random wrestling shots. At one point, a guy in a bar harasses this girl and Storm doesn’t like that. So he talks to the guy. Then more wrestling shots. Later on, he drinks with the girl-harassing guy. Until that guy passes out. Then some slut gives Storm a room key so he says goodbye to his buddies before going to fuck her. They then show him driving his truck, because it’s not like we just watched him consume no less than 20 drinks and shots. The confederate flag is painted over his rear windshield. Awesome stuff.

Twenty stars.

 

Eric Young is planning his wedding. He’s got a wedding planner. They work out some details. This proves to be a challenge because Eric Young is retarded. Also because the wedding planner seems to want some dick. ODB eventually kicks the wedding planner out and says they’re getting married in a steel cage.

 

Eric Bischoff is here. So is Garrett Bischoff. Bischoff wants Garrett to leave. Garrett isn’t leaving. Garrett is going to fight Gunner in a cage at LockDown. Awesome. That went really well last time.

James Storm training montage.

 

James Storm & Austin Aries .vs. Bobby Roode & Bully Ray

This one wasn’t bad. I guess. Especially compared to everything else on the show. Crowd very much behind Aries. Storm pins Ray.

Winners: James Storm & Austin Aries

 

Dixie comes out. Hogan comes out. The commentary in every single match tonight has built this up. I legit can’t believe that Hulk Hogan and Sting are the central focus of a wrestling show. In 2012. That’s absolutely amazing to me.

Hogan and Dixie talk. Sting comes out with babyfaces in tow. It’s the speech you would expect, until Hogan talks about how TNA is in serious trouble. That was pretty funny. Hogan accepts. He runs TNA now. Again.

Show over.

 

That’s it for this week. “Air Up There” goes up tomorrow. Thanks for reading, have a good weekend, and enjoy WrestleMania.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.22.2012 – Hulk Hogan, Sting, Bobby Roode http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/22/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-22-2012-bobby-roode-bully-ray-sting/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/22/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-22-2012-bobby-roode-bully-ray-sting/#comments Fri, 23 Mar 2012 03:10:51 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=138394 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another amazing recap, by me, your TEMPORARY TNA Recapper, Blair A. Douglas. After the first few weeks when a replacement still hadn’t arrived, I assumed that maybe I had just gone through my entire life to this point, misunderstanding what “temporary” meant. But it turns out that the dictionary defines “temporary” as: “That which is to last for a limited time; as, a temporary statute, or one which is limited in its operation for a particular period of time after its enactment the opposite of perpetual.” So I can only assume that the wonderful management team here at this wonderful website known as Inside Pulse are working tirelessly at this very moment to bring in some reinforcements.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking some of the load off by having some guest hosts. Not lame stuff like Muppets or Dennis Miller, but my personal favorite Inside Pulse writer and yours, our very own mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a puzzle… FD Swayze!

FD Swayze: Thanks Blair, for letting me be apart of this great review. Obviously everyone in the world is excited to see the next installment of the new Batman movie! This is going to be great!!! I don’t know how you got a copy of this movie early, or why SPIKE is airing it after this JAIL show, or why you would be reviewing it on the Wrestling division of Inside Pulse, but…

… Blair, is that the TNA Impact Intro I’m watching?

… Batman is totally on his way and stuff.

You’re a dick, Blair.

Before we get started, let’s hear my…

 

New Rules

New Rule #1: If someone appears on a wrestling show after a 2-3 week absence, it doesn’t really count as a “return”.

New Rule #2: Just because Eric Bischoff is a dick doesn’t mean that some of his dick-ish statements aren’t true.

New Rule #3: If John Cena ACTUALLY has any “personal problems” with The Rock, which I seriously doubt, they’ll blow over as soon as he gets his WrestleMania check. Speaking of blow, Cena would likely do just that to The Rock for the kind of money he will make off the last year.

New Rule #4: No one besides Joseph Hargrove is going to care if there’s no Diva match at WrestleMania.

New Rule #5: If both WWE and TNA care anything for Ric Flair, they’ll let him go to the Hall Of Fame. That’s really all there is to it. If there’s ever been a time that TNA needs to just give their heads a shake and realize that it’s not going to hurt them, since they’re not any kind of legit competition for WWE, then this is it. Not only is it completely harmless, not only is the induction going to be extremely hollow without him, but more than any of that – we all know how badly Ric needs the payday.

 

TNA Impact! Wrestling

Swayze’s got the matches, I’ve got everything else.

As the show opens, they recap Sting / Roode from the PPV. Which is good, because I didn’t watch the PPV. Watching this, it appears that avoiding TNA was once again the right decision. Apparently, for their main-event finish, they somewhat faked a botch? Or something? I don’t know. Typical TNA main event nonsense. Then Roode threatened Dixie Carter for some reason. I don’t know why. Sting made the save, then Roode laid him out and threatened Dixie some more. He like… pushes her around. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of end-game here. Tenay and Taz talk about how hard this is to watch, yet no one comes out to help her. It goes on for like 5 minutes. This is stupid.

Anyway, Dixie is in the back. Apparently she has some sort of announcement for tonight. I don’t know why she wouldn’t just fire him.

Opening credits.

Here comes Dixie Carter. Fans chant for her. She’s emotional, apparently. Bobby Roode’s generic-as-shit heel routine has taken it’s toll on her. People who thought they were in line for the Back To The Future ride chant “fire Bobby”. I don’t know why she wouldn’t just fire everyone who didn’t come out to help her. Anyway, Dixie has talked to her attorneys, and some other people, trying to figure out the best thing to do. Sting’s music hits. He comes out and gives Dixie a hug. He says that firing Bobby is letting him off easy. Sting wants revenge. The crowd chants that they want revenge. Sting then says he needs to talk about the GM position, because this “isn’t working”. The crowd chants “please don’t go.”

Then we go to commercial. In the middle of this segment.

And we’re back. Sting says he did his best but at Victory Road, something happened with this company – HE CAME ALIVE!!! TNA CAME ALIVE!!! That’s actually what he said. And Dixie got emotional. The crowd chants “you still got it” and Sting says he CAN’T DO BOTH!!! These two hours a week are killing him. So Sting wants to be a “full-time” wrestler now – he gets all fired up. THEN he says he’s got a concussion and is going home… BUT he’s going to come back better than ever! Dixie is still crying. This is embarrassing. Sting says he’s resigning as GM. Dixie tearfully asks “what am I supposed to do?!?!” like she doesn’t have a ton of old wrestlers in the back. Sting says he has a replacement, someone who can take TNA to the top and who will devote 100% of his time to the company.

It’s Hulk Hogan. That just might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Didn’t Hogan steal the company from her like a year ago? Dixie is upset. She’s crying. Sting grabs her and says she has to trust him. Dixie tearfully says she trusts him.

If Dixie doesnt kick him in the balls, she’s the stupidest TV character ever.

In the back, Bully Ray is pacing. He says he’s not taking hostages tonight. He says he’s going to run down everyone in his way.

 

4-Way X-Division Championship Match
Austin Aries .vs. Zema Ion .vs. Austin Aries .vs. Elliot Neese

My money is on Elliot Nesse. He took down Capone. They do commercials in between the intros because the people who produce this show are horrible. I wasn’t a big fan of Kid Kash in ECW, but I loved his first TNA run. His gimmick was bringing out this girl and slapping the shit out of her while the fat ladies in the crowd yelled out for his blood. It was great. Aries? He’s cool. Zema Ion? Reminds me of that crappy dink ZIMA. So screw that guy.

These four guys…they are jumping all over the place. You’ve seen these matches before. Zema did like some kind of gang sign thing before he did a backflip off the apron onto some other guys. That’s stupid. He’s not in a gang.

Tower Of Doom spot. Do you know the first TNA match that took place in? Also, do you know who actually invented it? Like was it used somewhere before TNA did it? I know the first TNA match it occured in, but I’m not sure if someone else didn’t actually pull it off first somewhere else. Sound off in the comments I guess if you know.

Bubba Ray comes down and beats up everyone. So this was all a waste of time. Awesome. This is fucking easy.

Winner: No One As Usual

Bully Ray introduces himself for any Alzheimers patients in the crowd.

Mexican America is in the back. The guy from a repo reality show is about to tow their car. I swear to God I didn’t make that up. The guy asks him a question, and says they can get their car back if they get it right. So he asks them questions, that just happen to be about Mexico. Anarquia gets the first one right, the second one wrong, and the third question illustrates his inability to spell. The repo guy says he’s towing their car. Anarquia says that when they win their matches tonight, they will pay the repo guy to save their car. Because TNA pays in cash as soon as the wrestlers leave the ring. And either wrestlers or Mexicans or both are retards who can’t make their car payments. Hilariously though, the repo guy ends the segment by being like “Uh… okay, fine. Go do your… wrestling thing.”

Commercial.

 

TNA Knockout Tag-Team Title / Possible Car Reposession Match
ODB & Eric Young .vs. Sarita & Rosita

Eric Young is in the women’s division now? They are doing a wedding thing? Wow. I was expecting nothing, and all of that was certainly something. Just…wow.

So the match starts with one Rosita and ODB. I know it’s Rosita because she has written her name clearly on her ass, which I admittedly am staring at. They aren’t really wrestling. Just alot of pushing and shoving. Now Sarita is in, and she’s just droppin’ some serious elbows. Eric Young is a woman now? Does he fight the other girls?

Well let’s find out! He just tagged in. He does some cartwheels. He does some more cartwheels. He is stripping. He is getting hit on by Sarita and Rosita. It’s working. ODB is jealous so she beats up the two girls. Now she’s mad at Eric. Because they are getting married.

Somebody’s getting married! Somebody’s getting married? Somebody’s gettin, somebody’s gettin, somebody’s gettin’…oh wait, Eric just pinned Rosita I think. That was for some kind of title possibly, but who can be sure with Eric Young. Maybe Eric Young is some kind of prodigy that is so amazing winning the title and being the star of the show is almost boring to him. So he goes out of his way to challenge himself.

TNA PRODUCER: Eric, we were thinking about running you against Roode, and eventually having you take the title. We really want to start focusing the show around you.

ERIC YOUNG: Screw that man. Listen to this idea! Put me in the women’s division.

TNA PRODUCER: You can’t fight the girls!

ERIC YOUNG: Exactly.

TNA PRODUCER: My God… that’s… BRILLIANT! Maybe we can stack a wedding angle onto it.

ERIC YOUNG: It will be my Revolution #9.

Yeah, that’s probably what happened. I thought the match was ridiculous, so I guess I’m stupid? That means…that match was good? 4.23 stars then. Not quite a quarter.

Winners: It’s an Eric Young match, so it’s hard to say.

They make out.

At one point during the match, Tenay asked Taz what he was getting ODB and Eric Young for their wedding. Taz said that they’d be lucky if he sent a tweet. That was awesome.

During the match, TNA cameras caught up with Dixie Carter and Sting. We’ll get to see yet more of that fun stuff… after the commercial.

 

After the commercial, we show Crimson turning on Morgan at the PPV. Now Crimson is watching Matt Morgan Direct Auto Insurance commercials. Who pays insurance in CASH? Crimson says that Matt Morgan is trying to launch his “Hollywood Career”… with insurance commercials. Holy shit. That physically hurt to hear. Anyway, Crimson is mad because Matt Morgan started “cluttering” his life. Crimson is happy. Until Matt Morgan shows up and kicks his ass, and yells at him that he’s done.

We recap the EMOTION from earlier tonight between Sting and Dixie. Backstage, Dixie says that she understands what Sting means, but doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do and doesn’t know what’s going on. You’d think she’d be used to this kind of thing by now.

Commercial.

 

Backstage, Jeff Hardy talks about Kurt Angle beating him by cheating on Sunday. Hardy wants him in a cage match. Abyss’ brother shows up and introduces himself. Abyss’ brother says his “research” shows that Hardy and himself had a lot of brutal matches in TNA. He asks Jeff if he knows where Abyss is. Hardy doesn’t.

Storm / Roode video package.

Storm comes out to a nice reaction. Storm doesn’t like that football should only be 18 months long, he thinks it should be year-round. Storm doesn’t like that families can work 40 hours a week but can’t go on vacation because gas is expensive.

Is this like Redneck Seinfeld?

Storm says that Roode was wrong for what he did to Sting and to Dixie. He then tells Roode that he’s looking at the next World Champion. He calls Roode out. Some guy in a suit comes out.

It’s an hour in?!?! I’ve only done two matches. This is awesome!

Storm asks who he is. The guy says he’s William Kelly. He’s Roode’s legal advisor. He talks like a wrestler. William says that Roode is staying in Toronto until further notice because TNA has created an unsafe working environment. He says he’ll be at the PPV. Two wrestlers have contacted Roode about facing Storm – Daniels and Kazarian. Storm gets to choose who he fights. Or he could just tell this guy to fuck right off. But dumb redneck that he is, Storm is going to fight both of them at once so that he doesn’t have to worry about it next week. Storm wants a pen so he can write a message to Roode. He can’t find a pen. So he kicks the lawyer in the face and gives his catchphrase.

Backstage, Angle cuts another promo on Jeff Hardy. Angle says he never loses. The camera guy says that a few weeks ago, Garrett won the 5-minute challenge. Angle goes “WHO SAID THAT?!!” and the camera guy is like “We saw it, druggie. It was on TV. We were all there.” Angle goes “OH REALLY?!?!” Then he finds Garrett and asks if he’s been telling people that he beat Angle. Garrett is like “I did beat you, dumbass.” and Angle just keeps being drunk. It’s like all the time now. Angle says he wants to fight him again. Garrett says okay. Angle says he hates him and walks off. Segment over.

Commercial.

 

YES!!! A MATCH!!!

3-Minute Challenge Match
Garrett Bischoff .vs. Kurt Angle

We continue the trend of having matches that aren’t really matches here on the show where ‘Wrestling Matters’. This is like some kind of three minute challenge. Given what we saw of Angle backstage, it’s apparent he’s drunk. So this should be fun. They have a little clock and everything.

Oh wait, it’s gone. It’s back now. Nothing to talk about really. Nothing is happening. Two minutes left. Bischoff’s kid explodes! He does all kinds of clotheslines. He goes for the pin. One…two… IT WAS SO CLOSE! I thought for sure Angle was going to lose to like five seconds of offense.

Angle smacks him and clotheslines him over the ropes. Now Bischoff’s kid is waiting outside. How could TNA ruin this? Like it’s just three minutes. They can’t do something stupid every three minutes can they?

Yes they can! Gunner runs down and beats on Garrett’s kid. We got a disqualification in a three minute nothing challenge where the first minute was literally nothing. That was over before the three minute mark. I know because of the clock on the screen they could only get to work for about thirty seconds. Then Jeff Hardy runs out. And Angle and Gunner, who have already beaten the crap out of Eric’s kid, run in terror of him. Of Jeff ‘AH’M STILL STANDIN TAYKUR’ Hardy? TNA, you have really outdone yourselves. Bravo.

Winner: Garrett Bischoff 

Jeff Hardy helps Garrett up.

Tenay says Hulk Hogan is on his way to the Impact Zone. Because like Sting says, he will devote 100% to TNA. As long as that doesn’t involve showing up for the first 75% of the show.

Commercial. 5th Assketball commercial so far tonight.

Pretty cool MotorCity MachineGuns ad.

 

TNA World Tag-Team Title / Possible Car Repossession Match
Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ Sarita & Rosita) .vs. Magnus & Samoa Joe 

This is what Samoa Joe does now? This is the result of all those pushes?!?

There seems to be alot of anger and rage these days. You know what it is? Well, this may seem hard to believe, but it’s because of cellphones. Surprised? See, when we had the big phones where they sat on a big receiver, when you were angry at someone you were talking to, you could just slam down the phone. Slamming that phone down was actually letting people release alot of stress.

These days, we just have to push a button or flip a piece of plastic. It doesn’t give you that same relief or release of stress that we so desperately need. According to a survey I just made up, crime is up 98% since the rampant takeover of the cellphone on our everyday lives. Where to get that stress release? It’s simple. Legallize abuse of the elderly. I mean, they are old anyway. Right?

That was just something I was thinking about during this match instead of paying attention to it like I should have been. Sorry. I think Samoa Joe and Magnus won.

Winners & Still TNA World Tag-Team Champions: Samoa Joe & Magnus

Backstage, someone asks Hogan what he thinks about being GM. Hogan says he has no idea what they’re talking about. He’s only there because Sting called him. He doesn’t watch Impact either apparently. 100%.

Commercial.

 

Repo guy takes the girls out to the parking lot… and sets them down. Hernandez and Anarquia chase him out and beg him not to take the car. He says he’s taking the car. Anarquia tries to punch him. He misses. Then for some reason, the repo guy walks PAST his truck… WITH the Mexican girls, who apparently have done a complete 180 without any indication up until now. One of them says something along the lines of “no money, no honey”. What the fuck?!?!

Commercial.

 

James Storm country-music video package.

James Storm .vs. Kazarian & Christopher Daniels

Storm comes out swinging. He’s doing good for a bit. But it’s two guys, so he starts getting beat up. I think Storm only had to face one of these guys. But he specifically wanted a handicap match. It wasn’t a punishment or anything. And now he’s getting beat up.

Daniels and Kaz are arguing. I have no idea why. They are winning. Well, they were winning. Something tells me after this argument they won’t be. And…Daniels dives into the post. Superkick. It’s over.

Winner: James Storm

Backstage, Sting, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan are all on their way to the ring.

Commercial.

 

Sting comes out. Dixie Carter comes out to a really terrible theme song, even though she didn’t have a theme song earlier. Sting says he’s known Hogan for 20 years… but… and I swear to God this is what he said… during the LAST SIX MONTHS, we’ve seen the real Hulk Hogan. Sting’s looked into his eyes. Sting has looked into his heart. Sting has looked into his soul. Dixie says that it’s been her and Sting from the beginning (it hasn’t) and that Sting has never let her down (he has) and that if Sting trusts Hogan, then Dixie trusts Sting. She says let’s go for it.

Hogan comes out. Crowd chants. Sting gets the crowd to chant some more. Hogan looks teary.

And… show over. Hogan didn’t say anything. The 100% effort that Sting promised doesn’t include talking.

 

Did she fall for this? Think about this for a second. The story is that Hogan tried to steal this company and went to her house, had her thrown out of buildings and had guys beat up her husband. Multiple times.

Bobby Roode on the other hand, almost hit a guy with a chair after he had a match with him. And she needs HOGAN, who did all of the above, to pay back Roode in a “better” way somehow, rather than just firing him or ignoring him, or just making a match for him against 10 guys who would just beat the shit out of him. That was like watching two con men work a prison.

It also bears mentioning that Sting, along with Kevin Nash, ABANDONED Dixie Carter to Hulk Hogan after he took over the show with Bischoff. So he actually has let her down. In a major way. I’m just saying.

 

Well, that’s it for another amazing TNA Impact Wrestling recap. Even moreso than usual, this was a complete Aligator Fuckhouse. It’s like the show is a sentient being in itself, that is just on speed.

I’d like to thank my man FD Swayze for joining me. Remember to comment, e-mail bdouglas@insidepulse.com, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas. This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.15.2012 – Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Sting http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/15/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-15-2012-bobby-roode-bully-ray-sting/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/15/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-15-2012-bobby-roode-bully-ray-sting/#comments Fri, 16 Mar 2012 03:00:48 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=137699 Before we get started, I have something to say.

Last week on Air Up There, I put up a fake link to MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com.

I was staggered to learn that several people actually clicked on it.

You guys are sick, disgusting little perverts.

All of you are sick.

Ah, I’m just kidding. You sickos are all right!

Moving on.

 

TNA Impact

We see Sting and Roode showing up to the arena, and Tenay tells us that they’re doing a contract signing. He also says the PPV is this Sunday. They show a video package of Sting getting all CRAZY.

James Storm comes out to his song that is totally going to be all over radio stations soon. I like Storm and all, but that isn’t going to happen. He talks about Roode, and says that the world has too many takers and not enough givers. The crowd starts chanting “Cowboy”. He gives his catchphrase, and Bully Ray comes out and cuts a promo. Storm wants to fight him, and Ray wants Storm to kiss his calves. Storm gets out of the ring and wants to fight. Ray stalls. Ray says he won’t fight Storm, but that he will fight Gunner.

I’m not totally sure this is a match. Neither guy is dressed, and I don’t know that Ray can make matches. Anyway, they start brawling. Security comes out and separates them. Ray then takes a cheap-shot at Storm, then Ray and Gunner leave.

 

Gail Kim and the Madison Rayne girl are talking over each other. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, GIRLS!!! I can’t understand ONE WORD these bitches are staying. Sting tells them to shut up because he has to deal with all the stress of signing a piece of paper that commits him to a match that he’s already agreed to. But he makes Gail Kim fight Mickie James, and he makes Madison do something too. I don’t know what he’s making her do because they started talking over each other as soon as he said it. Then he was all “fuck it” and walked off. Segment over.

 

Madison Rayne .vs. Velvet Sky

Sting is a harsh taskmaster. Wrestling Velvet Sky is some rough punishment. But so is wrestling Madison Rayne. So Sting must hate Velvet too. Madison still looks like a heroin addict.

Winner; Heroin Girl

You know what’s awesome? These girls can’t even get choked properly. I mean:

1) Clutch at throat
2) Gasp for air

You’d think they’d have had practice gagging from their performance evaluations.

Backstage, Crimson and Matt Morgan are talking while they show something that happened last week. I guess Crimson scored a pinfall for the team after Morgan did his finisher. Morgan appears to have an issue with this, but then says that all he wants to do is win matches for the team. Which is what Crimson did. So then WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS… you know what, fuck it, because then they go straight to bromancing, with all the promo skill you’ve come to expect from these two.

 

Crimson (w/ Matt Morgan) .vs. Samoa Joe (w/ Magnus)

Never seen this match before! About 6 people chant for Crimson. This was a pretty lame match. At one point, Morgan tried to trip up Joe, which is odd as I thought they were the good guys. Otherwise, this was just like all their other matches, with Joe trying to turn it into a wrestling match and Crimson digging his heels in every step of the way. At one point, they replayed Crimson doing a neckbreaker of all things. Joe gets a couple near-falls, and actually has some of the crowd behind him. Crimson then hits a spine buster for two, and starts arguing with the ref. Then he runs right into a Joe toss, but Morgan gets up on the apron. Magnus tries to stop him, but gets tossed into the steps. Morgan then chokes Joe over the rope, and Crimson hits his finisher for the win. Again, I thought Morgan and Crimson were the good guys.

Winner: Crimson

I bet this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.

Backstage, Austin Aries is WALKING!

Commercial. Matt Morgan wants a low DOWN PAYMENT on his AUTO INSURANCE. Since when is there a DOWN PAYMENT for AUTO INSURANCE? I’ve had auto insurance for a long time and I’ve NEVER had to put a down payment up. Then again, I don’t take 5-Hour Energy Shots either. Maybe they just wanted to get him out of there since he was in his underwear.

 

Austin Aries is in the ring. He’s the longest-running X-Division Champion of all time. Apparently there have been 53 champions, including him. He shows a music-video highlighting his reign. It is one of the shittiest sounding songs I’ve ever had in my ears. Part of the video is of him beating up Alex Shelley in an empty, dark arena in full attire. He has champagne in the ring and wants people to toast him. Except that the crowd doesn’t have glasses. Zema Ion comes out. Last week, Aries kicked him in the balls and sprayed him in the face with his own hairspray. That was pretty awesome. Aries appreciates how Zema got the best of him last week. Zema accepts his compliment and turns it around on him, and says that he’s fighting Aries on Sunday, and that he’s going to do to Aries what he did to Sorensen. Aries says that it’s nice that he has hair on his balls now (actually) and gives him the champagne glass. Ion toasts to beating Aries on Sunday, and gives the worst catchphrase you’ve ever heard. I’m not repeating it. Aries throws champagne in his face, then dumps champagne over him and tosses him out of the ring.

 

Abyss’ brother runs into Gunner. Gunner doesn’t shake hands. Abyss’ brother doesn’t know who Gunner is. Then he remembers Gunner is in Immortal. He asks Gunner about his brother, Chris. Gunner says, and I quote “I know a LOT of Chris’s.” Then he asks about Abyss. Gunner says he has a match. He leaves.

Eric Young and ODB plan their wedding. They go over venues for the wedding. ODB wants to do it in the ring. She claims they had sex in the ring. Apparently they’re getting married on Impact. Now there’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy.

Kurt Angle wants to fight Garret Bischoff. He calls him Garrett Bitchoff. Then he makes a “Garrett’s Wife” joke.

 

Gail Kim .vs. Mickie James

These girls have been known to have okay matches at times, so I’m actually going to give this one a go. It actually looked like a wrestling match. Even had a bridge and some other wrestling moves in it. Gail tried to cheat with the belt at about a minute in, but Mickie stopped her. The announcers used this match to talk about Garrett Bischoff. Gail Kim tried a really neat-looking kneebreaker that looked good. Then she worked the knee for a while. She tried a really weak-looking single leg crab that Mickie could have rolled out of at any point. Mickie did a better neckbreaker than Crimson did, and they replayed THAT one too. TWICE. TNA fucking LOVES neckbreakers. Mickie hit a Thesz press off the second rope for 2. Then she dropkicked Gail off the apron. Gail grabbed the belt and drilled Mickie in the head with it while the ref was distracted. Pin.

Winner: Gail Kim

Ken Anderson talks about how illogical it is that he’s buddies with AJ now. Daniels and Kaz show up, and they want to have “water cooler talk”. Daniels also doesn’t understand what Anderson is doing there. Daniels and Anderson find about 60 ways to say “I guess we’ll see later tonight” for a few minutes. Kaz makes fun of Anderson’s “movies”. Anderson has been in movies?!?! In this brittle economy?!?!

 

Ken Anderson .vs. Christopher Daniels

Good Lord, but Ken Anderson is a terrible wrestler. He busted Daniels open below the eye at one point. It looked like he was pissed. Not much happens here, until Kaz comes down, and AJ comes down and starts beating up Kaz. Daniels is distracted, and eats Chris Kanyon’s finisher. Pin.

Winner: Ken Anderson

So, the direction they decided to go with for this feud designed to feature some of TNA’s longest and most under-appreciated wrestlers is going to end with Ken Anderson looking superior to all of them? Brilliant. If Ken Anderson’s other pushes are any indication, TNA should start seeing ratings skyrocket immediately.

 

Jeff Hardy bitches about Kurt Angle.

5-Minute Challenge Match
Kurt Angle .vs. Garrett Bischoff

Garrett Bischoff’s theme song is kind of uplifting. Actually, very uplifting. Wow! I totally feel like dancing around and helping my community start a rec center right now.

Christ this fucking song is awesome! Fuck TNA. This song is my life now.

Lame match, but it was kind of designed to be that way. Angle finishes Garrett off, but only after the 5 minutes are up.

Winner: Garrett Bischoff

Kurt is mad. He punches out the ref and keeps beating on Garrett. Jeff Hardy makes the save. He put on facepaint just for this.

 

Well, the matches may be no good, but at least they’re doing more matches now.

Robbie E and T do another promo. I’m kind of ashamed to say I found it kind of funny. That “list” thing is cute. He’s doing another “Robbie E Invitational”, so you can expect to see a high-profile challengers like Shannon Moore.

Gunner The Charisma Machine (w/ Bully Ray) .vs. James Storm

A lot of people aren’t sold on Storm. I think that whatever he lacks in skill, he makes up for just by being able to get the crowd behind him. And I think he learned a lot of that from being in that Beer Money team. Gunner tries to get momentum going, but Gunner takes him down with… restholds and arm strikes. Gunner sucks. Storm fights back up with some punches and clotheslines. He’s showing Gunner that he can wrestle like he has Down’s syndrome too. He hits Closing Time, and gears up for the Superkick. Crowd is into it, and he hits the kick. Pin.

Winner: James Storm

Bully Ray yells. James Storm stares. Ray teases hitting the ring but bails.

 

Official TNA Victory Road TNA World Heavyweight Title Match Official Contract Signing
Sting & Bobby Roode

They sign. Roode talks about how he’s the IT Factor in professional wrestling. That’s right. Fucking EVERYONE is talking about Bobby Roode. He’s taking TNA to the top! Turns out they censor the word “ass” when Bobby Roode says it, but not when Knockouts say it. That’s pretty funny. I guess you kind of have to admire TNA’s commitment to Roode though, that they’re still going with him despite his title run falling completely flat. That’s cool, dude worked hard to get here, but wow, is it dull to watch. Anyway, Roode rags on Sting for being old and hanging onto the spotlight too long, blah blah, woof woof. Sting sits there until Roode gets ready to leave, then Sting beats up the table. Sting then smears paint on his eyes like a mongoloid. Roode yells that paint doesn’t scare him. So Sting paints Roode’s face. Then Sting kicks his ass.

Segment over. Another Sting Paint-Rape victim, and still the police do nothing.

Show over. Fucking Knockouts had the best match on the card!

 

Well, that’s it for “That Being Said” this week. Time for…

New Rules

New Rule #1: Friends and family of WWE Divas need to start reminding them that they literally have zero market value before they log on to Twitter. Since the days of Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler, every Diva has been as interchangeable as the Kleenex boxes that people who actually pay attention to Divas use up. By going on Twitter, Beth may as well have traded the Divas Championship for the Knockouts Championship.

New Rule #2: The only idea sillier than the The Miz getting involved in “The Biggest WrestleMania Main Event Of All Time” in 2012 was the idea to have The Miz CAUSE the worst WrestleMania main event of all time in 2011.

New Rule #3: Cody Rhodes getting injured is not necessarily a bad thing. And in case you think I’m being harsh, I’m not. I’m only reminding you that the last time he was hurt was when he started getting rave reviews for his “work”.

New Rule #4: In order to help their falling ratings, TNA needs to consider more cross-promotional opportunities. I’ve been watching the last few minutes of this JAIL show that airs on Spike before TNA comes on, and it seems like a good choice. Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy get arrested so often that they can easily get at least a couple episodes out of this. Jeff Hardy in particular seems like he’d fit in well with some of the delusional people they bring in. And he’s well-accustomed to being tazed.

 

New Rule #5: TNA and WWE apologists need to stop ragging on Ring Of Honor. I watched the 10th Anniversary Show over the weekend and thought it was okay, but really, I find the ROH product more boring now than I have over it’s entire history. That isn’t the point. WWE is a wrestling-based variety show MOST of the time, and TNA wishes they could put on something that the general public would consider more civilized than a circus sideshow where people can dry off from Splash Mountain. Ring Of Honor is not like these companies, and they’re not trying to be like these companies. You don’t need to be a fan of the Ring Of Honor product to acknowledge this. Whatever you think of them, they serve what they know their target market is, and the shows deliver exactly what they promise.

 

Before I go, everyone should check out a really cool little vote they’re doing over at www.SpineBuster.com, for best promo of all time. Some really good choices over there, with YouTube clips no less!

Hope everyone enjoyed. I’m bloody exhausted. Gunner, Ken Anderson, Matt Morgan and Crimson really suck the life out of that fucking show. They gotta get rid of those guys. Also, I didn’t mention it, but they aired at least 7 or 8 different Roode / Sting segments. I can’t illustrate how much I look forward to not watching that match. I’m considering changing the name of the article to “Blair Watches Impact, So You Don’t Have To”, at least until WE GET SOMEONE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHOW!!!

Sorry about that. Anyway, remember to comment, e-mail me at bdoulgas@insidepulse.com, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas. Still offering handjobs for anyone who wants to take over coverage of this show. No eye contact.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. Enjoy the TNA PPV, if you choose to watch it. I’m not watching another one of those fucking things.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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Air Up There: 03.09.2012 – The WWE Titles (Shaemus, The Miz & Jack Swagger) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/09/air-up-there-03-09-2012-wwe-titles-shaemus-jack-swagger/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/09/air-up-there-03-09-2012-wwe-titles-shaemus-jack-swagger/#comments Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:00:32 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=137445 I was going to take this week off of a regular article, especially since I’m still recapping shiTNA. However, this week, our own James Alsop brought up an interesting point about Jack Swagger & Santino Marella, regarding the World Heavyweight Title, on an article about TNA ratings. No idea how we got started on this on an article about TNA ratings, but the article is here.

The comments between James & myself went as follows.

James Alsop: Man… Santino Marella beat a former World Heavyweight Champion. That’s depressing, isn’t it?

Blair: It is? Why?

James Alsop: Well even if it isn’t depressing for you, I’m sure Jack Swagger must be a little disheartened.

Blair: Yeah, that US Title was doing amazing things for him? I don’t get it.

James Alsop: I’ll say it again, then. Santino Marella – a joke wrestler – can now claim to have beaten a former World Champ. Santino Marella. That guy with the joke lower-mid-card gimmick. Yeah, him. My problem is with how little it seemed to matter, I guess. Yes, Swagger’s going nowhere fast, and yes he’s boring, and yes no one will notice or care when he walks out without the US title. But, well, call me old-fashioned, but I think that beating a former World Champ, even one who didn’t amount to much, should carry some weight. It should be worth something, and not done willy-nilly. So why throw it away on a joke wrestler with a joke gimmick in a joke finish when you clearly have no intention of ever giving the aforementioned joke wrestler a serious push. Ken Kennedy beat HBK clean on Raw once, but at least WWE were going somewhere with it. WWE jobs out former champs all the time, I know. That’s how they operate. But still… the wrestling mark in me hates to see something potentially meaningful like that simply thrown away.

 

James brings up an interesting point. It’s a point that, in my opinion, illustrates how WWE has been building their stars, with very few exceptions, for years now. I started typing out a response, and before I knew it, it was half-an-hour later and I had this article written.

First off, I’m glad that this isn’t about you thinking that the US Title means anything or that Jack Swagger isn’t worthless, at least. That would make you insane. The thing is, I see Jack Swagger being as much of a joke as Santino. Actually, moreso. People respond to Santino. No one responds to Swagger. I’m not going to go all Kyle Fitta here and say that he should be the main anything of… well, anything. That also, is silly. But the point is this:

What you’re talking about has been going on for a long time. Because for years, they’ve made World Champions at the drop of a dime. They don’t wait for the crowd to respond positively or negatively anymore. They no longer have the patience for that. You used to get the World Title ONLY if you were REALLY “over”. (God, I fucking hate using “insyder” terms.) Anyway, now they give it to guys as a tool to GET them over. And that’s very hard to do. Not impossible, but damn hard.

Maybe part of it is realizing how shallow their talent pool actually is, so they panic when someone gets hurt or something, and say to each other “Holy shit. We got nothing.” Then they say to US “See this Jack Swagger guy? He just won the World Title with his silly briefcase. So he’s a BIG fucking deal now. Yeah, that’s right. We know you barely knew who he was before last night. But he IS a big deal NOW. Why? Because we say so, you fucks. You losers are gonna go NUTS hating him. Get on it.”

That stupid Money In The Bank briefcase isn’t helping, either. It means that ANYONE can win the belt with the briefcase as long as they’re not totally inept, and you GET the briefcase by winning a huge clusterfuck match that ANYONE can win if they just let enough of the other people kill themselves off ladders.

Then, when he wins that belt, we have the usual suspects, like the ones on this site, that claim that Swagger is going to be huge and they talk about the amazing reactions that he doesn’t get. Then no one ACTUALLY responds, and WWE goes “HOLY SHIT! THIS GUY BLOWS!” and they either do the exact same thing again with someone else, or they just give the belt back to Orton or Cena. Then they wonder why it didn’t work, and this poor Swagger douche gets blamed for it. I guarantee you that in the present day, Jack Swagger WISHES he could be a comedy wrestler like Santino. Shit, at least then he’d have job security.

That’s why it doesn’t matter if he’s beaten. Not in the slightest. Same thing happened with Vlad Kozlov – they were THIS close to having him beat Triple H for the belt in one of his first ever PPV’s. Drew McIntyre? Remember him? That gangly little fuck who’s girlfriend kicked the shit out of him in real life? Vince came out on the air with him and TOLD US how huge this guy was gonna be in one of his FIRST appearances. Between that and letting that girl beat him up, he was doomed from the start. He should have just gone the John Morrison route and let Batista fuck his girlfriend. I was staggered to find out just the other week that he was still fucking employed.

 

At least with The Miz, they had a little bit more patience with the build. I’m not a huge fan, never have been – the guy did have some good heat – but he wasn’t great. Certainly not World Title great… unless you go by today’s standards. And that’s the thing – SmackDown ratings going above a 2.0 now is something that people consider impressive by today’s standards. And by those same standards, Jack Swagger winning the World Title at the time was actually considered impressive by some. People wrote about how impressive it was on this very site. And many others.

Now it’s 2 years later, and everyone abandons their argument about how awesome he is almost as fast as WWE abandoned him when he completely flopped. Same thing is happening with Miz – what happened to all you writers who were talking about how he was going to be the third company poster boy along with Cena and Orton? You don’t have shit to say about him now that he’s lucky to get near the WrestleMania card. Why is that? I’ll tell you why. Because you’ve moved on to the next ones in the cycle already – Shaemus and Wade Barrett.

Wade Barrett would have been in the same situation if he hadn’t gotten hurt. I can’t believe they were actually gonna try him again.

And Shaemus. My personal favorite. People on this site actually got behind HIS first heel title run that did nothing for anyone. They gave it to him out of nowhere to get him over. It didn’t work. Then he couldn’t even get on the WrestleMania card, but no one cared. Now, Shaemus is actually getting another chance at bat – ’cause of who he’s buddies with, but the point stands – you’re eating it up just like before! And I have to pose the question – are you going to care if he flops a second time? Of course not. And if you guys didn’t care last time, and won’t care this time, then how ACTUALLY good is he?!

I happily acknowledge that not everybody does this. But many do. Anycrap, as long as they keep it so that ANYone can win the damned belts, this just is kind of how it’s got to be. Really, what else can be done with Swagger at this point? It’s basically either this or fire him – and I’m assuming they like the guy, or they probably would have shit-canned him already. And they could. Easily. And they would lose absolutely nothing. Your casual fan likely wouldn’t even notice.

 

I’m not trying to disagree with you, James – I do agree. And in my opinion, what you’re saying is one of the many reasons that the show isn’t near as good as it was, as evidenced by the ratings that are a joke compared to what they used to be.

Some people actually prefer it this way. In fact, my favorite part about writing these columns are the comments like “What are you actually going to do when Shaemus doesn’t flop and becomes HUGE?” Which is exactly my point – is JUST winning that belt all it takes to be HUGE to you kids? It used to be. But it isn’t. Not anymore. And it hasn’t been for a LONG time.

Of course, anything is possible. I would have never thought that The Rock or Steve Austin could be huge stars just based on their first year or so with the company, either. Then again, they also weren’t put on the main-event slot of the show when they first showed up. I’m just using history, crowd reactions, and probability as my guide. And you weirdos have been doing this routine since before you were talking about how Ken Kennedy would be main-eventing WrestleMania in 2005. Remember Kenzo Suzuki? Of course you don’t.

But truthfully, often this kind of behavior actually provides me more entertainment than the show itself. I enjoy coming on here the day after your average Jack Swagger-like-debuts and title-wins just to see people lick it up. But rest assured, I’d be pleased if the cycle came to an end.

Shit, maybe I’d actually be able to sit down and actually watch RAW again someday instead of reading recaps and YouTube-ing it… or using it as background noise.

 

That’s all I have for this week. But just because it’s not “Interinactivity” doesn’t mean we can’t all read, memorize, and live by my…

New Rules

New Rule #1: If WWE is going to give their developmental wrestlers some really solid, informative, well-thought out and historically-proven reasons why they shouldn’t become wrestlers, then viewers can’t be surprised when 95% of the people who actually stick with the company are the same bland and unoriginal types they’ve had for the last decade, who only make it because they’re willing to put up with whatever JBL does to people in the shower. But remember what Triple H told us – UFC needs to evolve more than they do.

New Rule #2: Someone needs to explain to me why no one is responding to Mark Henry. The fact that they aren’t really splits my wig.

New Rule #3: If the WWE Network ever makes it off the ground, they need to make a reality show that consists of nothing but Kane’s real-life facial expressions and reactions after the people in charge at WWE tell him what he’s going to be doing on any given night. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather watch Kane’s reaction to him being told: “So, you’re going to wear a gas mask over your regular mask for your entrances from now on.” than any scripted storyline that Kane’s been involved in for the last decade. Think about being able to view Kane’s response from one week: “So, your final epic confrontation with Cena will consist of you throwing Zack Ryder off a stage and losing an epic battle at Elimination Chamber” to the next week: “I don’t know. Go beat up some tag-teams.” to the week after that: “You and Orton at ‘Mania. Figure it out.” We all know that he goes and does it regardless, but what does he do when he first hears the instructions? Does he shrug? Does he laugh? Does he say something like “Another great idea, guys.”? I don’t know, but I want to find out.

 

New Rule #4: If I have to recap Impact, then someone has to recap the Hulk Hogan sex tape. I hear you can get a good deal on eye-wash kits at Rent-A-Center. And if you thought Hulkster’s other post-divorce money-making ventures were bad, or just assumed that he was so old that he only ejaculates dust, you’ll love his newest venture: MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com!

New Rule #5: All jokes aside, more people will see the Hulk Hogan porno than will see Edge’s new movie.

 

This has been “Air Up There”. Remember to comment, follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas, or e-mail my at my new address, bdouglas@MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com. Thanks very much for reading, and have a great weekend.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.08.2012 – Bobby Roode, Jeff Hardy, Hulk Hogan http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/08/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-01-2012-bobby-roode-jeff-hardy-hulk-hogan-2/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/08/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-01-2012-bobby-roode-jeff-hardy-hulk-hogan-2/#comments Fri, 09 Mar 2012 04:09:52 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=137390 No time for an intro this week. After all, Impact’s ratings ARE way down, and I think you should adjust your expectations of this review accordingly. Anyway, here’s your recap. Choke on it.

 

TNA’s Impact Wrestling Extravaganza

Video package starts the show. It appears that the Garrett Bischoff angle will be heavily featured tonight. Then we see Garrett arriving in a Jeep. On this show, Eric Bischoff’s kid’s ride to the arena is important.

Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff, and Gunner come out. Bischoff is sad about having to handle family business on the air. Bischoff says that he asked Sting to have a tag-match, with Gunner and Garrett choosing their own teams. Bischoff thanks Flair for warning Garrett to not come into the Impact Zone. Now we see Garrett backstage watching all of this. Kurt Angle comes out, and Bischoff starts going nuts. Angle hugs all 3 of them. Bischoff wonders who will possibly come to Garrett’s aid. I’ve been watching Impact for one week and I know it’s going to be Jeff Hardy. The entire crowd starts chanting for Hardy, speaking of. Angle verbally massages Bischoff while Gunner physically massages Angle. The music goes off. More hugging.

Sting is rubbing paint all over his face and talking to himself in the mirror about how he’s crazy now. Eric Young comes in. Young wants to talk to Sting. Sting says not to bother him and continues putting paint on his face. Eric wants to do… something. I don’t know. The audio is bad. And Eric is mumbling. Eric wants to give someone a shot at the tag-titles. But he doesn’t know who “her” partner should be. I’m guessing “her” is ODB. Sting says that Eric will be ODB’s partner. Sorry, but are they talking about Eric Young being a Knockouts Tag Team Champion? Do they still have those belts? If so, why is Eric… you know what, fuck it. Sting paints up Eric’s face a bit, then Eric leaves. Sting continues talking to himself in the mirror. He’s talking about how crazy he is. I like Sting and all, but it’s incredibly embarrassing to watch every single time he does this.

Commercial. More TNA Knockout Basketball commercials. They say “TNA Knockouts Are The Girls Next Door”. Unless the girls next door happen to be strippers. I’m kidding. This is less dignified than stripping.

 

TNA Knockout Tag-Team Titles
Eric Young & ODB .vs. Gail Kim & Madison Rayne

Winners & New TNA Knockout Tag-Team Champions: Eric Young & ODB

After the match, Eric Young gets down on one knee and proposes to ODB.

Then we go to commercial.

Then we come back, and Eric finishes proposing.

Then ODB takes that same ring and proposes to Eric Young.

Eric says yes.

They roll around and make out in the ring.

 

They show a video of earlier today, when some fat guy in a suit named “Joseph Park” showed up to see “Impact Wrestling Executives”. The announcers don’t know who he is. So I guess they just got cameras showing security letting random people on the lot. The security guy outside says he has to get permission to let Joseph on the lot. He goes off camera for maybe 4 seconds before telling Park to go on in and to have a good day. Taz and Tenay go all hushed over the situation.

Bully Ray talks about beating up James Storm last week. Aries receives an e-mail on his phone from Sting, saying he’s facing Zema Ion. He trash-talks Sting.

Commercial. More Knockouts playing basketball, and we also get Matt Morgan beats up insurance executives in a speedo. He says it’s because he can’t afford proper insurance on a TNA salary. Good God, I’m only 35 minutes in.

 

X-Division Championship Match
Austin Aries .vs. Zema Ion

This was a fun little match. It was cool that they were able to put 2 heels into a match like this and still have the crowd enjoy it. Aries is as solid as ever. Both guys did a heel schtick, which was kinda interesting. Some good high-risk top-rope stuff, and a nice dive to the floor. Zema tried to get to the hairspray at one point. They teased a ref bump that didn’t actually happen, which I couldn’t believe.

Awesome ending – Zema tried to hairspray Aries with the ref getting his bearings, so Aries just kicks him in the balls and hairsprays him instead. That was sweet. Anyway, the ref sees it, and Zema wins by DQ. Not a bad match for TV.

Winner by DQ: Zema Ion (Austin Aries still X-Division Champion)

This Joseph Park guy is walking into Knockout dressing rooms without knocking. Apparently, he’s Abyss’ brother. He wants to know where Abyss is. He kicks one girl out of the room and asks Velvet where Abyss is. Velvet doesn’t know. He leaves. Segment over. Martin Shaw is telling me that Joseph Park IS Abyss without the mask. Okay, sure. Why not. Commercial.

 

Bully Ray is in the ring, calling himself calf-zilla. That’s kinda funny. He’s talking about how he keeps beating up James Storm. He wants to be the #1 Contender. He calls out Sting. Sting comes out acting all CRAZY, smearing more paint all over his face. If you want to see some embarrassing shit, YouTube this segment. I’ll just give you the gist of it. Sting says Ray can fight Roode like he wants, right after the break. Taz and Tenay wonder if it’s going to be for the title. Commercial.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d love to stay, but my lifeboat just got here. The second half of this recap is being brought to you by our own JONAH KUE! Check out his most excellent article from earlier this week right here: http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/06/kues-korner-kue-vs-pulse-vol-1-wwe-john-cena-the-rock/

Good luck, Kue. I hope this awesome show is as kind to you as it was to me.

 

It’s Kue. It’s….Impact?

(Non-Title Match)
Bobby Roode .vs. Bully Ray

Roode comes out. Ray yells at Roode to take his belt off and get ready to fight. I’m sure he mentions his calves again too. Ray shows he’s roughneck. Roode shows he’s finesse. Ray shoves Roode. Roode slaps Ray. Guess they’re really running with the feminine thing after that Eric Young title change. Back body drop and sidewalk slam by Ray. Roode reverses and hits a top rope lariat. The crowd starts chanting “you suck”, but it’s ambiguous as to who it’s for. Ray makes a comeback with rights, another back body drop, then eventually hits a Rock Bottom. Because if it’s one thing TNA needs to do, it’s remind people about a WWE PPV. Roode grabs Ray’s chain (Jesus, I’m pulling a double take after every sentence I write). James Storm runs in, chases off Ray, and hits a superkick on Roode. He kisses the title and leaves it on Roode. I’m guessing this sets up a triple threat. The match wasn’t bad, actually. And the ending progressed a storyline. Can’t ask for much more than that.

Winner: No Contest?

 

Garrett Bishoff is on camera to not tell us who his tag partner will be tonight. I’m going to go on record and say that that is the worst name in pro wrestling history. Fuck Brutus Beefcake. Garrett Bishoff has replaced you. And his similar appearance to Matt Hardy kinda pisses me off too.

There’s a paint commercial. I think I’m going to go find my soul paint. Is that kinda racist?

What the fuck is a Carl’s Jr?

The fat suit guy who is apparently is Abyss’s brother walks into Morgan and Crimson’s locker room. Then, he leaves and leaves us alone with a Morgan/Crimson promo. I fucking hate Abyss’s brother.

 

Robbie E and another letter come out for a no. 1 contender’s match for the tag titles. And they’re fighting….you’ve got to be kidding me.

#1 Contenders Match For TNA World Tag Team Titles

MORGAN AND CRIMSON?! I picked the wrong week to start watching Impact. Two guys who can’t wrestle win. One of them apparently beat up some insurance people in a speedo. So I hear.

Winners: Matt Morgan & Crimson

 

AJ Styles is next. A little hope, at least.

If anyone is catching “Silent House” this weekend, shoot me a recommendation. I’m curious, but not opening weekend curious.

We’re back, and Gunner verbally dick rides Angle. Angle approves.

 

Video promo of Kazarian, Daniels, and Styles. I hope the payoff to this feud is worth all this confusion. I like these three, but this program is doing little for them.

Styles is out. Gets a great reaction from the audience. He puts TNA over before getting cut off by Daniels and Kaz. Daniels cuts a decent heel promo, saying his friendship with Styles did nothing but cost him. Kaz basically calls Styles out for…being a face? Good God, Daniels as miles ahead of these two on the mic. And here comes………oh, fuck me in the ass with a broom. Anderson is out and helps Styles clear the ring. Not promising. Anderson in the ring with Styles, Daniels, and Kaz? TNA can’t afford to get those three injured.

 

And an ad for Austin’s new movie, “Recoil”. Location, location, location.

“John Carter”? Hmm…..I’ll reserve judgement.

Apparently, the Knockouts like to get physical, they like to break rules, and other phrases that a woman behind a glass screen would say to you. For some reason, this makes me want to buy TNA merchandise.

 

Gunner and Angle come out, followed by Garrett Bishoff, who has music that matches his fucking horrid name. And his mystery partner is….Jeff Hardy. Well, predictable, but I suppose it makes sense. Crowd chants heavily for Hardy.

Jeff Hardy & Garrett Bischoff .vs. Gunner & Kurt Angle

Match starts with Angle and Gunner double teaming Hardy. Angle starts and has a clear advantage on Hardy. Gunner pulls off the typical heel apron stuff on Hardy. Snap suplex and a nearfall by Angle. “Gunner sucks” chant. Hardy is isolated as Gunner gets tagged in. Gunner has control and keeps him in the corner before tagging Angle.

Commercial break. Jesus, this is enduring. I don’t know how Blair does this.

Kue Fact: Did you know that if you omit Hulk Hogan’s scene from Rocky III entirely, it would not hurt the plot at all? Seriously, it had nothing to do with the rest of the film. NOT A DAMN THING.

Hardy is being worked on by Angle. He tries a comeback, but Angle hits a belly to belly. More doubel team moves and tags by Angle and Gunner. Angle hits the ankle lock, but Hardy reaches the ropes. Gunner gets tagged in and hits a suplex for a nearfall. Angle gets tagged in, gets caught in a school boy for a nearfall. Angle tags in Gunner, who locks in a sleeper on Hardy. More “Gunner sucks” chants. Hardy fights back and hits “Whisper in the Wind”. Bishoff gets the tag and starts taking Angle down with token offense. Flapjack, and a dropkick knocks Gunner out of the ring. Stunner and cover over Angle gets broken up by Gunner. Hardy gets a blind tag. Bishoff knocks the heels down, Hardy hits a Swanton on Angle and picks up the win.

Winners: Garrett Bischoff & Jeff Hardy

 

Main event was good, with basic tag psychology. But everything else about this show….I’m glad I’m not doing this every week.

You owe me a steak, Blair!

 

What?!?! Ken Anderson isn’t gone anymore?!?! That was one of the only things this show had going for it.

Anyway, this has been “That Being Said”. I’d like to thank my man Jonah Kue for helping / bailing me out. I am actively soliciting people to do the same for next week’s show – no reason Kue should have to suffer twice. Unless of course, we find someone to do this on a permanent basis. Anyone willing to do so should shoot me an e-mail at bdouglas@insidepulse.com, and, just to clear the rumours up, yes, I’m willing to let you hit me in the face with it.

“Air Up There” will appear at it’s regularly scheduled time tomorrow. In the meantime, check out my man Martin’s article from this week if you haven’t already: http://t.co/fUYB4IQO.

For me and Kue, thanks for reading, and remember to comment, shoot an e-mail, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Impact Wrestling Report for 03.01.2012 – Bobby Roode, Jeff Hardy, Hulk Hogan http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/01/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-01-2012-bobby-roode-jeff-hardy-hulk-hogan/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/03/01/that-being-said-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-03-01-2012-bobby-roode-jeff-hardy-hulk-hogan/#comments Fri, 02 Mar 2012 02:00:25 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=136712 Motherfucker.

So, we lost another TNA Impact recapper. Well, not really, but apparently his TV isn’t allowing him to see Impact at the moment. That’s a pretty smart TV, I’d say. That notwithstanding, it still leaves us with a gap in our ever-so-important TNA Impact coverage. Being the company man to the marrow of my bone, I offered to fill in for the interim. That’s dedication right there.

Maybe Adam will come back. Maybe he won’t. TNA does weird stuff to people. It’s eaten like 3 people since I stopped covering it last year. It causes you to go crazy, like that one guy in that one movie who gets fucked with over and over again until he just snaps and decides to drive through a brick wall in a van and blow everyone away with a SPAS12 shotgun, and then… just… retires… to some… island… and fucks… hot sluts all day? I don’t know. Something like that.

That last PPV that I did where football guy got crippled was pretty bad, except for that Shelley / Aries match, and sort of one other one. But that ending just made me cringe. Yet all I hear these days is how good Impact is right now. I guess we’ll see.

 

TNA Impact Wrestling

So, I see a video package of what’s been going on since the PPV. Which is helpful because I haven’t kept up with TNA since then. It appears Sting is in the main event now against Bobby Roode.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is drunk and has cue cards so that he can remember why he did what he did to Jeff Hardy. We are off to an awesome start.

New opening for Impact. It’s a lot better than the old one.

Kurt Angle comes out. He says he’s been gone. The Impact Zone is mostly quiet. Kurt doesn’t like Jeff Hardy because he has lots of hair, and Kurt doesn’t. Jeff paints his hair, but Kurt says that doesn’t make you a champion. The crowd chants for Hardy. Kurt doesn’t like that Hardy wears makeup and puts socks on his arms. Kurt doesn’t like that Hardy shows up late to signings and also doesn’t like that girls like Jeff Hardy. Kurt says that girls dig him too. Kurt says he has over 100 Kurt Angle action figures, posters, t-shirts, but that his kid has Jeff Hardy posters on the wall, Jeff Hardy action figures on the wall, a Jeff Hardy t-shirt on, and wearing makeup. Kurt’s kid sounds like a huge loser to me. Anyway, people are chanting for Hardy now. Kurt calls Hardy out.

Jeff Hardy has some new terrible music I haven’t heard yet. But he looks relatively normal this time around. I was hoping for some more Willo ‘Th Whisp attire like at the PPV. Angle trash-talks him for a bit and makes a match for Victory Road. Then they brawl, and officials separate them. Then Jeff gets all Twilight and accepts Angle’s challenge.

Bobby Roode is backstage. He says he’s the IT Factor, because if he says it enough, it’ll be true. He then demonstrates how much of an IT guy he is by cutting a slow, generic promo. Austin Aries comes up to greet him. Austin says that because they both dress nice and drink red wine, they’re on the same page. Are they coming out? Why does everyone come out when I’m recapping? Anyway, I guess Aries Tweeted something and they both don’t like Sting.

 

Daniels comes out and talks some bullshit. I guess AJ has demanded that if he beats Daniels, then Daniels has to tell him the truth about their “relationship”. Kaz then accepts on Daniels’ behalf. I guess that’s legally binding in TNA, so Styles dives on Daniels and the match starts.

Gauntlet Match
AJ Styles .vs. Christopher Daniels

Tenay and Taz wonder about the relationship between Daniels and Kaz. They also talk about how there are Knockouts coming later. And how we’re going to get an update on Jesse Sorensen. Anything they can think of to avoid talking about this actual wrestling match. AJ in control for much of the match. Good suplex partway through.

Commercial. Absolutely AMAZING Matt Morgan Direct Auto Insurance commercial where he’s really able to show off his acting chops.

Back on the show, AJ leaves the ring to question Kaz, because apparently he’s an idiot. Daniels jumps him from behind and starts to stomp him in the ring. Back-body drop by Daniels. More stomps. Chant for AJ. The announcers continue to find other things to talk about instead of calling this match. This time it’s about Zema Ion. AJ ducks a clothesline and hits a Pele. AJ hits some clotheslines and a spin-kick. Then a springboard. AJ with the suplex-neckbreaker combo that looks fantastic. 2-count. Daniels counters AJ’s clothesline with a judo takedown.

Kaz comes in and hits his reverse tombstone and gets Daniels DQ’d. Daniels is confused.

Winner by DQ: AJ Styles

AJ Styles .vs. Kaz

Then Kaz pins AJ.

Winner: Kaz

Daniels is upset. They leave. Decent enough I suppose, but over-booked as all hell.

 

The girl who I’m pretty sure is Madison is hanging giant photos of Gail Kim. She says she made “marketing” blow them up for Gail. Gail thanks her and says she has a surprise. They’re going to a spa. Madison reacts like a small child. Then Gail has another surprise for Madison, that she has to fight ODB tonight. Madison says she only wants the first surprise. Gail leaves. Now that’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy.

Commercial. Anyone who rents a TV for 30 bucks a week, let alone actually believes they’re not using “credit” shouldn’t be allowed to control their own money anymore.

Okay. So there’s a completely batshit insane commercial for some kind of TNA merchandise. In it, TNA Knockouts throw basketballs around and ODB beats up a referee. It’s like all the commercials tonight need to feature a certain amount of TNA stars. And they’re choosing the ones who can’t act.

 

Madison Rayne (w/ Gail Kim) .vs. ODB (w/ Eric Young)

Good to see Eric Young is still employed. It’s nice that he still has to act retarded for some reason. Speaking of Knockouts, why does Joseph Hargrove not comment on my articles anymore? Is it because I think 90% of women’s wrestling is bullshit?

Anyway, this sucked. At one point ODB attempted a bronco buster so Madison just shoved her boot right up ODB’s vag. That was pretty funny, but doesn’t stop ODB. ODB hits the bronco buster anyway while Eric Young acts retarded some more.

Then I don’t understand what happened. Gail Kim attempts to get up on the apron several times but fails. Taz makes a joke about it, then ODB hits a move and wins.

Winner: ODB

Tenay makes sure to tell us that this ISN’T the last we’ll see of the Knockouts tonight. Thank God.

I guess Bully Ray is mad at Brandon Jacobs, who is in TNA for some reason. I guess Storm brought him in. He’s yelling at some girl about it. No idea who it is. This doesn’t make any sense at all. Aries and Roode show up and blame Sting for everything.

 

Okay, so then, Velvet Sky literally just says “I’ve been in this compa…” and then two other girls just jump her immediately before the first sentence even makes it out of her mouth. I don’t know who jumped her because the camera-work was so bad. They started beating the living shit out of her right away, and then they went to commercial like 2 seconds later. No fucking idea what that shit was about.

Commercial.

Then we come back, and relive the same segment again. The only difference this time is that they don’t cut to commercial. This is fucking amazing. They couldn’t have just aired it after the commercial? We needed to preview this?!?! Now I can see that the attackers are Angelina, and the other one I think is one of the Mexican girls. They kick her ass. They pick her up, and Velvet tells them to let her go. They give her a shove and she dives into a wall and swears for like 5 seconds. Then Mickie James comes up, dressed like some basket-ball playing hippie, and asks her if she’s okay. Velvet screams that NO SHE IS NOT OKAY! SHE IS NOT OKAY! Segment over. Yeah.

Ric Flair talks to Bischoff’s kid. Gunner and Bischoff are there. Flair tells the kid to go away. He gives the kid a week to do… something. Go away maybe. The kid says that he’s his own man and walks away. Segment over.

Backstage, Bully Ray is walking with Roode and Aries. Commercial. All of that happened really fast. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

 

Roode, Aries and Ray come out. Roode grabs the mic, and his promos has kind of morphed into a kind of white noise to me. Roode is mad at Sting for “booking” himself into the main event. INSYDER. Roode says he’s done, and that he’s not fighting Sting at the PPV. Because he can also make matches. Ray wants people to look at his thighs. Ray says that Sting let Brandon Jacobs into the Impact Zone.  Ray then says it was emberassing. To illustrate this, he has them show it on the screen over and over again. Ray also says he is “done”. Aries has also had enough of Sting. And he also talks about Ray’s calves. Aries also says he’s “done”.

Then they all sit down in the ring. I guess they’re saying this is “work stoppage”. Taz says they’re holding up the show. Except that everyone knows this show is taped.

Lights go down, and then they come up and Sting is in the ring. They all seem very surprised considering they called him out. Sting says he was kidding when HE said he was done. He asks if they’re kidding. They say they’re not. Sting says he’s taking the belts away from Roode and Aries. They seem surprised by this. Then he tells Ray that Ray won’t get paid if he quits. Ray seems to consider this – seems odd he wouldn’t have considered that already. Then Sting asks them if they’re sure they’re done.

Sting then makes a match with Roode, Ray and Aries against Joe, Magnus, and James Storm. They’re mad. Sting leaves.

Commercial. At MyLife.com, you can find out if you’re being stalked. And then, if the commercial is to believed, you’re supposed to be REALLY happy about it.

 

Jesse Sorensen video package. His mom is upset. Jesse says things are going to get better and that he prays a lot. His mom makes him promise not to give up on his dream, and says they’re going to get him back in the ring. Nice video package – a bit dramatic, but it works. They’d have to work pretty hard to fuck this u…

Now Zema Ion is saying that he’s glad he crippled Jesse Sorensen. And equilibrium has been restored.

 

Zema Ion .vs. Shannon Moore

Ion messes up Shannon, because Shannon sucks. Ion is rocking his new heel persona. Nice missile dropkick partway through, not much else of substance. He calls out Aries. Crowd chants for Shannon. Tenay and Taz talk some more about how hot the knockouts are. Shannon Moore hits a top-rope hurricanrana that gets him 2. Shannon completely misses a moonsault even though Ion didn’t even really move. Ion hits some kind of modified facebuster for the win.

Winner: Zema Ion

Not bad, given that Shannon Moore was in it. Zema Ion is a hairspray guy now apparently, as he sprays himself after the match.

 

Commercial. Velvet Skye pours PowerAde on her tits. And TNA shows us some fans that like to pretend that TNA is the future.

 

Angelina Love & Sarita .vs. Velvet Skye & Mickie James

Yeah. No way am I knocking myself out, no pun intended, to keep track of this. These bitches are crazy. I remember when Angelina got drug-raped by the ghost from the past but it turned out Angelina was into it. And I remember when that one girl ran that other bitch down on a motorbike, then the one who got ran down was fine like a week later. For the match, Tenay talks about Lindsay Lohan hosting SNL. Taz talks about how he stalks the Knockouts.

Velvet wins with the X-Factor.

Winners: Velvet Skye & Mickie James

Backstage, James Storm says he’s beating Storm at the PPV for the World Title. Magnus talks about how they’re different, but how that doesn’t matter.

 

Commercial. They run the strange Knockout commercial again. Why are fuck are they doing a commercial with basketballs? Is a girl in a hot tub of basketballs supposed to be sexier than just showing her in an actual hot tub? Shouldn’t they at least use footballs since they have both a real and a fake football guy now? They’re not a basketball company. They’re a wrestling company.

Swayze: That looks like a commercial for a porno 1-900 basketball fetish line.

Mike Tenay says that Impact Wrestling got a letter from Abyss’ family regarding his disappearance. They show a recap of the Immortal / Abyss saga. Looks pretty painful. They kicked Abyss’ ass and now they don’t know where he is. Now there’s a story with some meat on it.

 

James Storm, Samoa Joe & Magnus .vs. Bobby Roode, Austin Aries & Bully Ray

Pretty generic 6-man stuff here. It was all right, I guess. I’ve seen a LOT worse main events on Impact. Crowd was certainly into it. Storm came in to a really great reaction and was on a good roll. Ray also has crazy heat – way more than Roode.

After a melee, Storm hits Roode with a superkick and pins to a nice little pop from the crowd.

Winners: James Storm, Samoa Joe & Magnus

 

Martin Shaw: This is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.

Ray lays everyone out with chairs after the match. He tells Storm he’s not making it to LockDown.

 

Well, that’s it for Impact. I don’t know, I don’t know why anyone would be excited about this show lately. I don’t see a whole lot to get excited about. Again though, I’ve seen a LOT worse from them.

 

Hope everyone enjoyed. Feel free to leave a comment, shoot me an e-mail, or follow me on Twitter @BlairADouglas.

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow for Interinactivity.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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Interinactivity: 02.24.2012 – Triple H, The Undertaker & John Cena http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/24/interinactivity-02-24-2011-john-cena-chris-jericho-cm-punk/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/24/interinactivity-02-24-2011-john-cena-chris-jericho-cm-punk/#comments Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:00:48 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=136124 Welcome back to “Interinactivity”. The last couple weeks, I’ve posted the “Air Up There” articles, which are a bit of a break from my usual style. I posted those to give people kind of a window into why I, despite still enjoying some wrestling the odd time… don’t have a whole lot of respect for the wrestling industry as a whole, nor the major companies that make up such a big part of it.

This week, it’s back to the old routine of daring to write not-serious articles about a fake sport. Let’s set some people straight, tell some stories, break some hearts, and introduce a new addition to the Interinactivity articles that you’ll see towards the end of this one.

 

James Alsop: Blair, seriously, what’s with “Shaemus”? You’ve been misspelling it for so long now that I’m sure it must be intentional, but really, why? It’s kinda removed from context now, isn’t it…? So far removed as to not make any sense to new readers, I mean.

Blair: I try to be conscious of my spelling and grammar as a rule, and I think I do all right… but if readers, new or otherwise, actually give a shit or even notice how I spell “Shaemus”, the name of someone who doesn’t matter, then they have much bigger problems. They should stop reading this right now and go tackle them.

Yes, Shaemus is probably going to win the belt at WrestleMania, but just like I said it would, the Shaemus narrative has already changed from “Shaemus is over!” to “Shaemus is over… but…” in a matter of months. It’ll continue in that direction, and before too long, you’ll care as much about that as you would if I mis-spelled Vladamir Kozlov’s name. In the meantime, just to make a point, I can’t be assed to change it. Shaemus. Shaemus Shaemus Shaemus.

Besides, if I really wanted to get sticky on spelling, I’d point out the fact that everyone misspells the name of the title that Shaemus is fighting for. You guys spell it “World Heavyweight Title”. The correct spelling is “ECW Title”. (Not the good one. The Sy-Fy one.)

 

James Carter: Read something from one of my favorite columnists like Andrew Wheeler, Scott Keith or Blair A. Douglas and tell me that it’s not funny, clever or well-argued.  More often than not they usually are all three.

Blair: Wow. Former President James Carter.

Seriously though, thanks. Me, Wheeler and Keith. That’s good company for me to be in, right there.

 

Sideshow Bob: What’s with Barrett’s trunks?  Or is he bleeding from the ass?

Blair: Oh, here we go. Typical anti-WWE-commenter. Ragging on someone because they don’t approve of how their got their current push.

 

Nixgame25: jericho will win shemus will challange him for wrestlemania but cm punk will ask for rematch so it will be a triple threat match at wrestlemania

Blair: Ugh, I hope not. Triple Threats by definition are no fun. There are a couple exceptions, of course – that one from WrestleMania 20 with Benoit, Triple H and Michaels was good. But what other Triple Threats can you remember that were ACTUALLY good? Plus, this one has Shaemus in it, and that’s a major hurdle.

 

Mike Gojira: Hey, did you know Blair Douglas faps to this?
Kelly Floyd: I’d prefer not to. I guess I’m just more surprised he even has exterior genitalia.

Blair: I just said that to try to help Gojira’s self-esteem. Sorry, you two crazy kids, but unlike you, who can actually sit through entire episodes of SmackDown… I got standards.

 

Shamon Of Hedon: Blair Douglas does indeed lack external genitalia, as all non-British Columbian Canadian men do. I however, do not.

Blair: That’s right, we all know that the only real men that Canada has are fresh from the only hippie province in the country.

 

Adam Mason: I can’t believe no one here see what they’re doing though. Think about it, there is no way WWE has built up all of the tension between Johnny Ace and CM Punk for it to just fade away. Punk loses the belt to Jericho tonight, probably through some interference by Ace, and Punk goes on to fight The Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and the Interim RAW General Manager, Mr. John Lauranitis at Wrestlemania.

Blair: I can’t believe no one saw it either. I guess because that’s not what they aired.

 

Cinmaybhavke: i still yhink that john will win john wasa champ and he is a champ this will be a best match in life

Blair: Great comment.

 

Ageless Stranger: Pritchard and Lagana should bring some basic writing skills to the equation.

Blair: I’d be curious to know what you’re basing this on.

 

James Carter: I think the only stars WWE has that could be recognized by the general public are Jericho (game show host, vh1 talking head and reality show contestant) and the Miz (MTV).

Blair: Other than the Dancing With The Stars thing, and even that is a stretch… people who don’t watch wrestling likely would never recognize Jericho or Miz from any of the rest of that. Especially anything on MTV. The only reason that even you know that they were on that fine list of programs is because WWE and the IWC take every opportunity they can find to remind you of that, so that we can all pretend that wrestling is still “mainstream”.

 

James Carter: Frankly it’d be nice if he had free healthcare supporting him.  I think injuries require cash, and not the high fives and well wishes from people going to theme parks.

Blair: I could not agree with this more.

 

Anonymous RAW GM: Just being honest, I am kind of sick of the “I’m better than thou” attitude, the middleschool toilet-humor, and the movie/tv references in articles. Scott Keith has been doing it for years. It’s time to change it up.

Blair: So you’re the anonymous RAW GM. You call that a comment, you son of a bitch? You’re a nice guy? I don’t give a shit. A good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You think this is abuse, you c*cksucker? Get off the comment board. Comments are for closers.

 

Speaking of closers, it’s time for my new segment… this is something that I’ll hopefully be doing every week.

If I don’t respond directly to your e-mail, comment, or tweet, then chances are, it’s covered in this section. We would all do well to abide by my…

New Rules

New Rule #1: People need to stop acting like they’d be thrilled, appalled, or surprised if Santino Marella actually won the World Heavyweight Title. This would not be that big of a surprise – even just last year, a guy who’d been a low-card comedy act for a lot longer won that very same title. His name was Mark Henry.

New Rule #2: People need to stop pretending that there’s going to be a huge change in a wrestling show for better or worse just because one person got added, removed, promoted, or demoted from a writing staff. This week, TNA removed Vince Russo and many people believed they’d see an immediate change. In the last 6 or 7 years, Scott D’amore, Vince Russo, Glenn Gilbertti, Jeff Jarrett, Dusty Rhodes, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Terry Taylor, Bruce Pritchard, Dave Lagana, Kurt Angle, Dixie Carter, and others have, at some point or another, been involved in the writing or creative process at TNA. Try to remember that none of these names being added or removed from the lineup caused any serious changes in TNA (besides Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, which was a drastic change for the worse) because, simply put, there’s too many clowns in that car for just one person to have that much of an impact on that product. So, the next time there’s a change in “creative” at a wrestling company, involving a name you really know nothing about, instead of commenting… just shut up.

New Rule #3: If you don’t give a shit about the United States Title, then you don’t really need to have a United States Title. No one is forcing you to keep it around, and, if you got rid of it, likely the casual fan wouldn’t even notice. Seriously though, those belts probably weigh 20 pounds, and this one in particular is not doing anything for anyone. I’m sure even Fake Kurt Angle doesn’t want to be paying extra in baggage claim fees at the airport if the belt isn’t helping him.

New Rule #3 And A Half: Speaking of Jack Swagger, if you don’t give a shit about Jack Swagger… then you don’t need to have a Jack Swagger. No one is forcing you to keep him around, and if you got rid of… well, you get the idea.

 

New Rule #4: Stop complaining about John Cena not turning “heel”. After the most hate-filled year that John Cena’s ever experienced, which is saying something, many of us assumed that wrestling fans would stop with this nonsense. But seriously, let’s take off the crash helmets and think about something that the smarter people among us have known for years.

Who would be pissed off if John Cena turned heel? Kids and young adults. Kids and young adults who are buying his merchandise.

And who really WANTS John Cena to turn heel? Adults. Adults who don’t buy any of John Cena’s merchandise.

And do you know what really pisses off those adults? That John Cena ISN’T turning. And that’s why they boo him. And that’s what makes him a heel to those adults anyway. So why would WWE even remotely consider bothering to turn him just to piss off those kids and young adults who are buying that merchandise, when NOT turning him is pissing off the people that want him to turn INFINITELY more than ACTUALLY turning him EVER could. Hell, if they did turn him heel, many of those adults would probably start cheering him.

And guess what? WWE knows this. They pay attention. They know they’ve found the sweet spot. Kids and young adults buy the merchandise, buy into the sympathy angle that they’re now doing, cheer him regardless, and WWE gets to look like an anti-bullying company. Adults boo him without WWE ever needing to turn him heel or walk away from that merchandising revenue, and the more they refuse to turn him, the more the adults are hating him anyway. They’ve even got those adults buying “Cena Sucks” merchandise now, and I for one can’t believe that it took them this long to start selling that t-shirt.

You don’t really need John Cena to turn so that you can boo him or tell him he sucks. Nor do you need to have EVERYONE hate him so that you can boo him or tell him he sucks. You can just boo him or tell him he sucks. You’ve been doing it up to this point anyway. It turns out that many of you have actually been on board with this for years. You just didn’t realize it.

 

And lastly…

New Rule #5: If the WWE is trying to sell a super-serious end-of-the-world last-of-their-generation Hell-In-A-Cell apocalypse match… then they need to make the promos sound less like the script of a hastily written gay porno.

TRIPLE H: You want this?
UNDERTAKER: I want it.
TRIPLE H: I know you think I can’t take you.
UNDERTAKER: I know you can’t take me.
TRIPLE H: I know I can.
UNDERTAKER: Let’s find out.
TRIPLE H: All right, fine! You wanna get it on?
UNDERTAKER: You know I wanna get it on.
TRIPLE H: Well then, you got it! LET’S GET IT ON!
UNDERTAKER: Oh, we’re gonna fucking get it on, all right.
TRIPLE H: You know what? You know what? Just getting it on isn’t enough. We need to go ALL THE WAY.
UNDERTAKER: I’m SO fucking ready to go all the way.
TRIPLE H: Well then, we are GONNA go ALL THE WAY! Let’s get it on… IN A CAGE!
UNDERTAKER: I can’t fucking WAIT to get it on in a cage.
TRIPLE H: Have I said “Suck It” yet?
UNDERTAKER: Not yet.
TRIPLE H: Well… SUCK IT!
UNDERTAKER: So fucking hot.

 

That’s it for “Interinactivity”, and I hope everyone enjoyed my “New Rules” segment.

Before I go, you should check out Wrestling Facts, for some hilarious wrestling “facts”. Like this gem: Andre The Giant once fell asleep during a match. (It was HHH .vs. Taker.)

Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend, and remember: i still yhink that john will win john wasa champ and he is a champ this will be a best match in life

I’ll be in my trailer.
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Air Up There: 02.17.2012 – The Real TNA (Jesse Sorensen, Dixie Carter, Daffney) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/17/air-up-there-02-17-2012-the-real-tna-jesse-sorensen-dixie-carter-daffney/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/17/air-up-there-02-17-2012-the-real-tna-jesse-sorensen-dixie-carter-daffney/#comments Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:00:16 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=136041 Good morning, children. You might remember that last week, I took some of my valuable time to teach you about the WWE that you don’t see on TV. The WWE that they ask you to “stand up” for. And that was written BEFORE they had this poor Natalya girl go around farting on people and killing midgets. This week, I’m going to go ahead and do the same type of article – on TNA – but with a different kind of slant.

Last Sunday was TNA’s Against All Odds PPV, which I recapped. It’s a pretty amazing recap. I watched this PPV with in the super-secret Fist Pump Screening Room with my man Swayze and our newest addition to the Pulse writing team, Martin Shaw (check out his first article). Swayze said in his article this week that he thought it was a decent PPV. I don’t know if I’d be willing to go that far – for my money (the money that I didn’t pay to watch it), there was one really good match and one other good match. The rest of it was lame, and THEN you had the main-event and the match before it, which brought the show to an amazing screeching halt, even for TNA.

This PPV, however, made big news. Not so much because of how good or bad it was, but because of a very severe incident involving a TNA performer. I know what you’re thinking – that Jesse Sorensen can just buy another football anywhere – but we all know that TNA doesn’t pay all that well, and, that’s actually not what I’m talking about. Jesse Sorensen was legitimately injured when he took a knee to the back of his head on a moonsault from Zema Ion. Sorensen was taken to the hospital for evaluation, and now it’s being reported by PW Torch that “several TNA wrestlers expressed concern over his health”, and that he “was taken away in an ambulance for tests because his body went numb.”

Later on in the week, Dixie Carter passed this along: “Jesse Sorensen has sustained a C1 vertebrae fracture with spinal cord edema. He is slowly regaining feeling and movement in his arms and legs. He wants to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Once we speak to the neurosurgeon, we will pass on more details.”

Even later on in the week, Kurt Angle (MD) passed THIS piece of brilliance along: “I Visited Jesse Sorenson, He Is Moving His Arms and Legs. Drs’ say 1 Year recovery. I Say 4 Months. Jesse Is a Hero and Fighter.”

(Here’s hoping that Jesse is smart enough to listen to his doctors before he listens to Kurt.)

 

So here are the questions I’m posing to you:

Does TNA still have a job for Jesse Sorensen if / when he recovers? Do they take care of him in the meantime? Or is he on his own?

I know what you’re thinking – Dixie is Tweeting about him, everyone is concerned, they’re making a big show of support for him – of course they’re going to take care of him!

I certainly hope they do. I haven’t seen a lot of the kid, and I have no idea if he’s any good or not, but I suppose that’s not really relevant. NO ONE deserves to get hurt like that, ESPECIALLY in a fake fight. No one deserves to have life as they know it taken away by something like what happened to Droz. That’s really all there is to it.

But, the truth is, TNA has an incredibly poor track record when it comes to paying hospital bills. Let’s take a look at how TNA handled just one of those similar situations. I posted about this story last year when I was covering TNA.

 

The Story Of TNA Knockout Daffney

The stories of how women in professional wrestling are treated are sad ones. Low respect. Even lower pay. And in most cases, an even lower level of degrading acts to perform. We all remember the stories coming out about how TNA Knockouts needed to find second jobs, just so they could afford to attend TNA PPV’s. None of that relates to what happened here, as these women are making the choice to pursue these careers. That doesn’t justify the situations they’re put in, but regardless – Daffney had been a professional wrestler for quite some time. She started out back in WCW, worked her way through the indies, and eventually to TNA. She was fairly well known, for someone who had never set foot in the WWE. She always got a nice little response from the TNA fans when she was brought back to the show. TNA fans even chanted “Daffney” quite a bit when Daffney was only brought in to put other Knockouts over.

In 2009, Daffney got a concussion at a PPV after being chokeslammed from the ring apron onto a barb-wire board by Abyss. She then got another one after Tara beat her over the head with a toolbox. Believe it or not, none of THAT was the final straw, and all of that is bad enough on it’s own.

After all of that – Daffney THEN received a deeply bruised sternum, a severe stinger and yet another concussion in a TNA try-out match for Rosie Lottalove. Rosie was a girl who had been trained by Bully Ray, who’s gimmick was that she was overweight. Rosie was actually given a TNA contract after this happened, although she was soon let go.

 

After CageSideSeats.com author S. Bruce wrote an article on the subject, he was contacted by a current TNA employee who asked to remain anonymous. The employee said the following:

“Daffney was asked to do the spot to which she would go through a table full of tacks. She was hesitant to take the spot. Terry Taylor assured Daffney that she would be fine that she would be taken care of. After a lot of convincing from both Terry and Vince Russo, who was telling her how important the spot was for the feud that was going on, Daffney goes through with the spot and was injured. Following the injury she is treated at the hospital and taken via ambulance. Worse still is that Spike wouldn’t let TNA air the spot on Impact.  They refuse to air it on their policy of violence towards women. To put a cherry on the top of this story, a huge bill from the hospital would follow for Daffney.

TNA and Daffney went back and forth for several months about TNA not paying the bill. There were emails back and forth between Terry and Daffney which would result in Terry forwarding the emails to the responsible parties and then Terry delivering news that the matters were being tended to. This however would all be a smoke screen as more notices of delinquencies would follow for Daffney. TNA would hold out on paying certain bills and make claims that the agencies would settle for lower amounts if they held out. When this method didn’t work, they would turn around and claim that they are not responsible for the bill and that Daffney herself would be the one responsible for the bills.”

Another TNA-connected name the author spoke to verified this account, claimed this type of pressure was common, and blamed Russo (who is often known for encouraging risky and hardcore spots in a bid to get his car-crash style angles over) for “being personally responsible for the situation of Daffney and many, many others.”

So, Daffney received no compensation. When she filed a Worker’s Compensation Claim, TNA took her off TV.

 

Daffney’s Situation .vs. Jesse’s Situation

So, is there any reason that even your stauntest TNA defender could preach that Jesse deserves compensation and Daffney doesn’t? I realize that that question even being asked is pretty harsh. Naturally, they both DESERVE compensation.

But why should one get it while the other is denied?

Take a look at the two situations. If you want, toss out the parts about Daffney being hurt and about TNA convincing her to do stunts that she didn’t want to do. Let’s say that she was perfectly healthy even just going into that one match with Rosie Lottalove.

She still got hurt from just that one match. I’m assuming Jesse went into his match with Zema Ion perfectly fine, and he got hurt from just that one match as well.

 

The Bottom Line

I’m assuming that TNA will be covering Jesse Sorensen’s bills. That’s a good thing. I’m not trying to say that just because TNA screwed Daffney over that they should just continue that cycle and leave this poor kid Sorensen on the side of the road. The question that I’m raising is why I they will take care of Jesse, when they didn’t take care of Daffney.

The answer, I believe, lies in what this anonymous TNA employee told CageSideSeats - “The company needs to change to grow, and if the company can’t see the truth, maybe an enlightened fan base can help change the company. TNA fears greatly for their public image.” The reality is that this Sorensen thing is a lot more public than I’m sure TNA would like it to be. That Daffney thing, most people hadn’t even heard about. It was easier to sweep under the rug.

 

I’m curious as to what people will think about this. Am I wrong? Did TNA just grow up in the couple of years since this Daffney thing happened? Are they really a more caring and compassionate employer now? Is there a difference in the two situations that I’m not seeing? Or am I actually wrong that TNA will cover this Sorensen kid? I think they will, but maybe that’s just me hoping they will.

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment, shoot me an e-mail at bdouglas@insidepulse.com, or hit me up on Twitter @BlairADouglas.

This has been “Air Up There”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend! I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: TNA Against All Odds 2012 Report (Jeff Hardy, Booby Roode, Hulk Hogan) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/12/that-being-said-tna-against-all-odds-2012-report-jeff-hardy-booby-roode-hulk-hogan/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/12/that-being-said-tna-against-all-odds-2012-report-jeff-hardy-booby-roode-hulk-hogan/#comments Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:51:32 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=135712 It’s been a while since I busted out “That Being Said” and did a recap. Especially a TNA recap – I didn’t even know until a day or so ago that there was a PPV this weekend. In fact – full disclosure - I have not seen a single TNA show since Bound For Glory last year. I just kind of got burned out on caring what happened in TNA after years of waiting for them to do some good stuff. Did you know that my FIRST EVER PPV recap for Pulse was LAST year’s Against All Odds PPV? I bet you didn’t. Now you do.

I did watch highlights of the whole Bobby Roode turning on James Storm thing, which I thought was well done, but you know what, I can’t be bothered to get that invested in Roode. People seemed to like that whole thing, and I thought of giving it a shot again… but then, I read that Jeff Hardy was in the title picture again. And that Bischoff’s kid was running around doing some kind of angle with Eric and Hogan. And some other nonsense with Sting.

I was glad to see we found a TNA recapper in Adam Mason, that stuck around longer than a week, and was optimistic about the product. I did read a couple of those, and they’re well done, and I always enjoy MC Brown’s roundups as well… but again, I couldn’t be bothered to spend too much time even reading about TNA. I guess I tell you this to explain why, as you read my recap, you’ll notice that I don’t really have too much idea what’s going on right now. But if you can’t watch a PPV without them explaining to you the gist of what’s going on, then they need to put together a better show. I mean, it’s TNA – it’s not like they have a world of depth in their storylines.

And I’ve been caught in the situation before where I get ragged on for not knowing what’s going on, like that’s an intelligence flaw of some sort. TNA apologists are even worse than WWE apologists on this, because TNA apologists tend to hate themselves more. The only ones who’ve taken it a step further are those muslim fanatics who actually take the chains and beat the shit out of each other. I’m surprised the TNA apologists didn’t think of that – but I suppose they’re not good with tools. And they’d rather go after themselves mentally.

Anyway, my man Kon kept telling me that I should check out a show, because it hasn’t been that bad. He showed me the card for this PPV, and a few of the matches sound like they could be allright. And here we are. That being said, I present to you: the show that I watched while the rest of North America was watching The Walking Dead and The Grammys. Also known as…

 

TNA Against All Odds 2011

I joined this PPV about 10 minutes late because my free stream PPV had some issues kicking in. Man, who booked this shithole? Aw man, they’re in the Impact Zone! I thought they were in cool arenas in London lately. I hate the Impact Zone. It smells like a farm.

We are already into…

 

Jesse Sorensen .vs. Zema Ion

I think I’ve seen Zema Ion, and I remember thinking he was pretty decent. Jesse Sorensen is that loser with the football, isn’t he? Isn’t he? Yeah, he is. The best part about that gimmick is that he has this football jacket on, right? But, and this is the best part… it has no team name on it. Not even a college team. Or a sponsor. Something. ANYTHING. But no. Nothing. So like, he likes football so much that he had to have a fake jacket made up? That’s like showing up at the Super Bowl with a “Let’s Have A Nice, Clean Game, Gentlemen” t-shirt on. Besides, if he could play football at all, we all know he would NOT be in TNA. I digress.

When I joined in, Zema had Jesse’s football and claimed that the football was his now. Everyone was acting that this is a serious offense, and that you can’t just buy footballs anywhere. I guess TNA may not pay Jesse enough to get a replacement. Tenay and Taz are certainly pretending that it’s… I’m sorry. Where is Taz? There’s another guy talking with Mike Tenay. It sounds like Jeremy Borash. Zema does a moonsault off the apron onto Sorensen, and Sorensen doesn’t get up. He gets counted out.

Sorensen is either hurt or REALLY upset about losing that football. Ion heads up the ramp, while officials tell Sorensen that they’ll get him a new football as soon as soon as there’s some wiggle room in the budget. Dry those eyes. That’s my brave little guy.

Winner: Zema Ion

Tenay and Borash try to kill time, while they do crowd shots. Damn, is this dude really fucked up? They don’t show officials tending to Sorensen anymore. They’re just doing crowd shots. And some of these crowd members look horrified.

Instead they go to Roode, who does a great job of illustrating why I find him boring.

 

Apparently they’ve scraped Sorensen off the ground, because Robbie E comes to the ring, with Rob Terry doing the bouncer routine. He’s even got a clipboard that’s marked as “THE LIST”. Rob Terry is a huge waste of money for TNA, I realize that, but… that’s a pretty funny gimmick. Apparently Robbie E is the TV Champion. He calls out anyone to come and challenge him for his belt. This routine again? I don’t even care who it is, as long as it isn’t Shannon Moore.

TNA Television Title Match
Robbie E (c) (w/ Robbie T) .vs. Shannon Moore

FUCK!!!

Shannon does some hip tosses and the Robbie’s decide to leave. Shannon goes to get him, and brings him back in the ring. Robbie E takes control for a few minutes, until Shannon hits some lame moves. HA! ROBBIE T HAS AN EARPIECE!!! That’s fucking awesome. Running knee by Robbie E takes Shannon outside of the ring. How the fuck is Shannon Moore still employed? I miss Taz, he was always good for some drunken comments. Sorry, I’m not really focusing on this match. Funny gimmicks or not, these guys aren’t very good wrestlers. At one point, Robbie E tosses himself into the turnbuckle for kicks and to show how he can bump better without Shannon’s help. That’s pretty funny.

Some other stuff happens. I don’t know. Shannon does an asai moonsault and a top rope frankensteiner. Little dude is trying. Robbie T gets in some cheapshots. Robbie hits a swinging DDT and pins. At least Shannon didn’t win. FIST PUMP!

Winner and still TNA Television Champion: Robbie E

Robbie puts on his glasses and dances around.

 

TNA Knockouts Title Match
Gail Kim (c) (w/ Madison Rayne) .vs. Tara

I kind of assumed I’d take a break from this show during the women’s match, but given that these are two of the women that TNA has that can actually somewhat wrestle, I guess I’d better cover it. I’ve always been a fan of Gail Kim, especially after her stunt during that WWE Diva Battle Royal last year. Unfortunately, Gail Kim comes out with that one girl who has the bad Goo Goo Dolls cover song, who for some reason always looks like she’s fresh off a hit from the old glass dick. I’m told that she’s that Madison Rayne girl.

The crowd starts chanting for Tara right away. These girls have already gotten a better response than either of the two previous matches. Gail starts just kicking Tara’s ass, including a dropkick from the top rope. For some reason, Madison leaves, probably to go find an untapped vein. Gail looks confused, but keeps beating on Tara. She locks on a cool-looking submission. Gail then takes Tara to the top and does a frankensteiner… second one of those so far tonight. Try watching the matches before, ladies. Crowd is booing Gail even though she’s dominated the match all on her own so far. Tara with a DDT out of nowhere. Tara powers up and hits a couple clotheslines. Sidewalk slam by Tara gets 2.

Tara takes Madison up the ropes, then just tosses Gail over her shoulder to the mat. Then she hits a moonsault on Gail, which was a decent set of moves, but it looks like she hurt her knee. Eventually she pins but only gets 2. As Tara gets up and limps around, Gail hits a… falling… leg-based… jawbreaker? Or something? Whatever it is, it got her the win.

Winner and still TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim

Officials help Tara in the ring as Gail leaves.

James Storm cuts a decent promo in the back.

 

TNA World Tag Team Title Match
Crimson & Matt Morgan (c) .vs. Samoa Joe & Magnus

What the gumdrops is this? You’ve got to be kidding. You’re telling me that in the near half-year it’s been since I stopped watching TNA, Samoa Joe STILL can’t get away from these fools Morgan and Crimson?!?! Good God. Anyway, from what I read in the Roundtable, this match is taking place so that Crimson and Morgan can break up and have some sort of feud. Except that Crimson and Morgan already had a feud, and nobody cared. THAT feud ALSO involved them walking all over Joe. These guys are both losers. They’re both dead weight. Neither have produced anything of value for TNA. As for Joe and Magnus, this is pretty far down for Joe I’d say, but that’s nothing new, and I don’t know what he’s doing in this team, but Magnus is all right by me. The video package is awesome because it has background narration by Matt Morgan and Crimson explaining to everyone the feud they’re involved in. What’s with the fucking playing card graphics? Those look awful.

Swayze: I think Crimson, despite being undefeated, may have some self esteem issues, given he got the lamest fucking frat boy tats he could possibly find. I bet that fucker goes to the grocery store without a shirt on.

Joe and Morgan start out, and volley a bit, until the other tow are tagged in. Crimson gets the upper hand with some lame strikes a couple times, then a running knee. Joe with a cheap shot gets Magnus the upper hand. Joe comes in and hits a boot, Magnus hits a move I can’t recall, then Joe hits his backsplash. This gets 2. They double team a bit as Joe comes in. Frequent tags by Joe & Magnus. Joe just stomps and hits some strikes on Crimson to keep him down. Magnus back in with a sleeper. Crowd is pretty dead for this. Backdrop suplex by Magnus gets 2. Joe hits a chop which gets the only reaction this match has had so far. Yeah, you heard me, Adam. Tell Dixie I said so! Crimson hits a few shots, and a big boot. He looks pretty pleased about that big boot, too. “FOOT GO UP, MAN GET HURT! THAT GOOD!” Then he eats a Joe powerslam. Crimson doesn’t know what to do when confronted with actual wrestling moves. This match bites. We went from Team 3D, LAX, Motor City Machine Guns, and Beer Money… to this.

Crimson hits a top rope clothesline and tags Morgan. Morgan tosses Joe and around does a meeting of the minds and a double clothesline. A few very loud screamers are ALL about Matt Morgan and this is the new crowd reaction highlight of this match. Crimson is back in, and Joe gives him an eye rake, but Morgan and Crimson double-shoulder him down. Crimson takes a fall out of the ring, and Joe and Magnus double-team Morgan. Crimson comes in and accidentally spears Morgan. Joe hits a snapmare and Magnus hits an elbow, and they get the pin. That’s a pretty silly double-team finish, if all Joe does is a snapmare. Crowd was hot for the finish though.

Winners and new TNA World Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe & Magnus

Backstage, Bully Ray cuts an awesome promo, and calls Christy Hemme ugly. He’s playing on the New York accent a little thick, though. He says he’s ready to win the World Title and piss off the wrestling world.

 

TNA X Division Title Match
Austin Aries (c) .vs. Alex Shelley

This is one of the only two matches that I’m really looking forward to tonight. A lot of people probably assume that my favourite wrestlers in TNA are AJ, Daniels, and Joe. While they’re near the top, I believe that Aries and Shelley are the best that TNA has, and I’ve thought that for years. Shelley is probably actually my favourite overall. Back in the glory days of ROH, Punk and Shelley were my top guys. It sucks that TNA has them in the undercard still, because that makes no sense, but this should be a good match. Apparently Jesse Sorensen has been transported to a “local medical facility” according to Mike Tenay. I guess he didn’t have time to say “hospital”.

They volley around each other and Aries showboats. They go back and forth a bit more with Shelley diving on Aries on the arena floor. Shelley with some chops, a snapmare, and a slingshot over the ropes and into the cover for 2. Duelling chants start, with the Shelley chants about 100 times louder. Aries snaps the neck of Shelley over the ropes and tries a slingshot moonsault, but Shelley gets his legs up. Shelley hits a thrust kick off the top, and clotheslines Aries over the top. Aries goes under the ring, and Shelley aborts a dive when he doesn’t see him on the floor… then Aries jumps him from behind and dives between the first and second ropes to hit a flying elbow on Shelley into the guardrail. Great spot.

Back in the ring, Aries works on Shelley’s back and gives him some chops in the corner. Snapmare and a jump on the face. Then he gives him a nice elbow from the second rope into Shelley’s shoulder while he’s sitting up. Another nice spot. Aries with a chinlock, Shelley gets up, but Aries pulls the hair down. Aries milks his pendulum elbow drop, but misses. Aries rakes the eyes, but Shelley hits a hard kick and a chop. He tosses him into a couple turnbuckles and hits an inside-out clothesline. Shelley hits a flatliner into the turnbuckle, which is the ONLY way that move looks good.

Then he tosses a knee to the back of Aries’ skull against the turnbuckle. Aries to the outside, but he goes back under the ring. Aries sneaks back under the ropes, but this time Shelley is ready for him, dumps him over the ropes and Aries hits his head on the apron. Shelley then hits a suicide dive HEADBUTT that takes Aries into the guardrail. Doesn’t look like that did wonders for Shelley’s neck. Shelley goes for that great double stomp, but misses and recovers, catches Aries into his finisher, but only gets 2.

Aries recovers and hits a pendulum elbow for 2. Shelley counters a brainbuster with a knee, but Aries hits him on the rebound off the ropes and Shelley goes down. Phew. Oh my God, Shelley then eats a fucking SICK looking Death Valley Driver on the APRON. Straight off the neck and shoulders. That was one of the sickest moves I’ve ever seen. Aries then hits an axe-handle off the top to the floor. Shelley gets tossed into the ring, and kicks out of a pin attempt. Aries to the top, but misses a 450 Splash. Shelley grabs him and hits Sliced Bread 2, pins, but Aries grabs the rope RIGHT on the three count. Amazing match so far.

Both guys slow to get up, until Aries hits that SICK running dropkick he does, then hits the brainbuster. Pin attempt only gets TWO and the crowd just goes completely batshit. “This is awesome” chant from the crowd, followed by a small package by Shelley for two. Shelley rolls up AGAIN, but abandons the pin and just kicks Aries straight up in the head, twice in a row for ANOTHER two count. Crowd is completely unglued now with the chants. Shelley goes for Sliced Bread again, but Aries catches him, hits some knees to the head, a brainbuster, then rolls him right over into Last Chancery for the win. Shelley taps.

Winner and still TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries

Fucking amazing match. Easily the best I’ve seen in a long time from any company. Shit was out of hand. I knew they wouldn’t disappoint if TNA let them go balls to the wall. No way any shit on this show tops that.

… but, it was no Mark Henry / Randy Orton match. Right, Jack Newbury?

Christy Hemme is talking to Jeff Hardy. Christ, he looks like an asshole. I’m amazed he can drive to the arena without having the shit kicked out of him. Hemme asks him about his back or something. He has fucked up eyes. He’s gunning for a Swayze Award pretty early this year. Smart move. Don’t waste time.

Swayze: That was Hardy?!?! I thought TNA got Vampiro.

 

AJ Styles .vs. Kazarian (w/ Christopher Daniels)

At least they’re not having Daniels threaten to murder AJ during a terrible match this time. Last I saw in TNA, that’s what they had those two guys doing. Yikes. AJ Styles is a tremendous wrestler. It’s amazing they still don’t have him on the top of the card. Kazarian is also a good wrestler and under-rated in my opinion. The video package tells me that Kaz has to do whatever Daniels tells him? Or something? And we don’t know why? Oh boy, TNA does not do well with payoffs on these types of storylines. Those retarded playing card graphics completely ruin the serious feel they were going for.

Kazarian goes for the handshake. AJ isn’t buying. He wants answers. Then he tears Kaz’s shirt off. That’s a pretty homo-erotic start to this. AJ with a headlock. If the last match and the crowd reaction has taught TNA anything, it’s that they can just let guys wrestle without over-booking the shit out of things. They do start slow, as they need to warm the crowd up after that last one. They trade holds for a bit, while the crowd chants that Daniels sucks. AJ tosses Kaz out of the ring. Styles with some kicks and strikes when he gets back in. Kaz eventually sidesteps a Styles charge and hits a sliced-bread-ish maneuver. Kaz then… leaves the ring for some reason. He dodges a Styles dive, but Styles runs down the apron with a flying forearm. Clever spot. Back in the ring, Kaz dodges another Styles dodge and catches Styles hard with a monkey flip. He follows up with an elbow that gets 2.

Crowd is pretty dead so far. Kaz hits some sort of flippy-hip-toss that was kinda cool for 2. Kaz hits an atomic drop and a spin kick. 2 count. Kaz sends Styles to the ropes and hits a great single-leg dropkick. Armlock by Kaz. Styles tries to power back up with some strikes, and hits a few clotheslines on Kaz. Styles takes Kaz up in the air and drops him back-first across the knee. Nice move, reminds me of Roderick Strong, Then Styles picks Kaz up, drops him on his face, and gets 2. Styles runs into a Kaz boot in the corner, then Kaz hits a mule dropkick that gets him 2. AJ retreats to the apron, and Kaz dives over, and drives Styles’ head into the apron. That was a very cool move. AJ recovers and slingshots in, but Kaz catches him in an RKO-like-move. 2-count. Styles goes to the ropes, but Kaz jumps ALL the way up and gives AJ a boot to the face. Styles laid back on the top rope against the post.

Kaz climbs up after them, and they battle on the top. AJ headbutts him and they go down. Elbow by AJ, followed by the flipping inverted DDT. 2-count. Kaz reverses an irish-whip with a nice reverse-DDT-ish move that I have no idea how to describe. It was cool, though. They volley with some pin attempts and surfboards, until AJ hits a pele kick. Styles then goes to the apron and teases a springboard forearm, but he LITERALLY stops on the rope, then shoots off the other way and hits Daniels down on the floor. Crowd goes wild. That was a really cool spot that was clever, but not too over-the-top.

AJ goes into the ring, tries a springboard, but Kaz is ready him… Kaz hits Fade To Black tombstone for the pin. Great move. Decent match.

Winner: Kazarian 

I don’t like to over-analyze this stuff, as I’m not a wrestler and am not going to pretend like I know what will make a decent match, as too many people try to do that – but this match had a few pretty good spots, decent pacing in my opinion, it seemed like they can’t find the crowd though… at least until Styles dove on Daniels. Unfortunately, that was 8 seconds before the end of the match.

 

Christy Hemme is talking to Bischoff and Gunner. Bischoff wants Gunner to beat the shit out of his kid, I guess? Bischoff wants Gunner to give a towel to Hogan, so Hogan can throw in the towel for Bischoff’s kid. I need a video package to explain what the fuck is going on here.

Gunner (w/ Eric Bischoff)  vs. Garett Bischoff (w/ Hulk Hogan)

The video package is helpful in letting me know immediately that I don’t need to give a shit about this match in any way whatsoever. But I’ll still watch it and recap it for you, the good people of Inside Pulse. I’m dedicated!

Gunner needs to go to a barber, and tell the barber that he’s sick of looking like an asshole, and see what the barber can do for him. He’s like Crimson and Morgan – I can’t believe he’s still around. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen Garrett Bischoff before. He sucks probably, right? I’ll give him a chance, but just tell me. Right? He sucks. Right? Yeah. He sucks. He looks like a complete chump. Crowd goes nuts when Hogan comes out, so they got that at least.

It starts off, and Eric’s kid can hip toss but clearly can’t dropkick. Gunner does a takedown. Nor can Bischoff’s kid hit punches, apparently. Gunner kicks him some, and hits some eye rakes and a shoulder thrust. Garrett punches, but Gunner fights back with… axe handles. So basically, TNA has not abandoned that strategy of sending Bischoff, Flair and Hogan out with shitty wrestlers and hoping for the best? Good to know. Bischoff grabs his kid’s leg so Gunner can hit… some more punches to the neck.

Garrett runs into Gunner for the move of the match so far. Surfboard attempt gets two. Garrett with a sleeper. A resthold?!?! From what?!?! Gunner tries a charge, but Garrett hits a rollup and an ATOMIC DROP! Gunner pushes Garrett into the ropes and hits a clothesline to the back of the head. Bischoff’s kid powers up with punches. Gunner also hits some punches. Then a sleeper across the ropes. Garrett is down, and Gunner hits stomps. It’s been like 7 or 8 minutes already, and they haven’t done a single thing.

Bischoff is happy. Hogan is concerned. Garrett with punches. Knee by Gunner. Knee to the back of the head by Gunner as some type of submission. Gunner with a chinlock. That lasts for literally about a minute, then he hits elbows him on the neck. I guess they’re reluctant to try moves after that dropkick attempt. SUPLEX by Gunner. Crowd is absolutely dead. At one point Garrett picks up Gunner and just drops him on his face awkwardly. Garrett hits a couple elbows.

Time has lost all meaning. I pray this is almost over. Gunner gets back in control, and Bischoff hits his useless scrub kid in the face. Hogan goes over to Bischoff as the crowd comes alive for the first time, and punches him in the face which gets a Hogan chant. Jesus, they could have just done THAT and not had this match, right? Gunner with a neckbreaker. Crowd starts a small chant for Garrett. Hogan’s advice to Garrett is to “fight back”. Brilliant psychology. Gunner hits more elbows. Then a few knees. He’s out of moves. Hogan has told Garrett to “fight back” like 20 times in the last 3 minutes.

Hogan now has a towel, and he goes up on the apron to toss it in, and Garrett tells him not to. Then Gunner hits a DDT. Pin.

Winner: Gunner

Garrett should have just fought back like Hogan said. I’m pretty sure that would have worked.

Jeremy Borash: What a win for Gunner.

 

Christy Hemme talks to Sting. He cuts the usual Sting promo.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Bobby Roode .vs. James Storm .vs. Jeff Hardy .vs. Bully Ray
Special Enforcer: Sting 

I don’t care about Roode at all. I’m sorry. I don’t. I know the guy works hard, and I’m glad TNA gave it to a younger guy, but… I just fucking don’t. Not even a little. He’s boring as fuck. James Storm isn’t my favourite, but he’s all right by me. He’s decent in the ring and knows how to work the crowd. Our new TNA man Adam made a comment earlier that he doesn’t like Storm because he’s fat… yet Adam enjoys Mark Henry.

Jeff Hardy? I don’t give a shit about him either. Even the TNA fans who cheer for Hardy know that he sucks. Hardy had a great last run in WWE, I’m not a fan of the guy at all, but I know that much is true. However, the height of Hardy’s TNA career is something very few of you probably remember. It was during this one match between Anderson and Morgan in 2009, and Jeff Hardy was out watching the match. He had a ladder up on the ramp for some reason, and out of nowhere, he just starts having sex with the ladder during the match. It was the most distracting thing I’ve ever seen. It was more entertaining than the match. I think that’s Jeff Hardy’s new strategy for his career. That way, even though he sucks, people still come to see him. People will be like “well, he still sucks, but he’s… distracting.” It’s probably one of the smarter moves he’s made in his career.

Bully Ray? I’ve enjoyed his singles run. It’s surprised the hell out of me. Just give him the belt and let him beat all these other dudes up already.

 

Sting gets a good pop when he comes out. Ray gets some good heat. Storm’s new music is pretty lame. Hardy gets the usual screaming pop. TNA fans are retarded. He looks ridiculous.

Swayze: Jeff Hardy looks like the things that the Power Rangers used to fight. 

Roode comes out. I don’t think it was a great heel reaction, but I’m sure people will yell at me for that. Ray yells at Christie and does his own intro. Crazy heat for Ray. More girls scream for Jeff. Damn Twilight fans.

The heels and babyfaces team up on each other. Babyfaces in control. Then heels in control. I don’t know, 4-way matches are kind of a mess a lot of the time. I’l give you the highlights. Storm and Roode gear up for a Beer Money double-team, but Roode punches Storm instead. Tenay and Borash try to sell the WWE history between Ray and Hardy, as the crowd chants “D-Von’s better”. Ray gives Hardy a suplex off the top rope. Ray hits the Tower Of Doom on the other 3 guys. This gets a “holy shit” chant? Wow. Ray tries to pin a few guys, but it doesn’t work.

Hardy hits a stunner. Ray flattens the ref. Ray then hits a Bubba-bomb that would have gotten 3. Sting attempts to wake the ref. Hardy then gets up IMMEDIATELY and hits a Twist Of Hate, which also would have gotten 3. Ref still out. This is anti-climatic. Roode hits a spear on Hardy. Storm hits the codebreaker on Roode, followed by the Last Call Superkick, but Ray pulls the ref out. Sting / Ray confrontation leads to Storm accidentally taking out that referee. Wow, that referee sucks.

Hardy with a Twist Of Fate on Roode, then he takes off his shirt and the girls in the crowd all orgasm. He goes for a Swanton, but Roode moves out of the way. Roode grabs the belt, but Sting comes in and takes it away. Roode and Sting argue, and Roode shoves Sting. Sting refuses to hit him back.

They argue for another minute or so, then Roode spits in his face, and Sting accidentally hits Hardy with the belt. Sting then yells at Roode, and Roode covers Hardy and tells Sting to count. Sting reluctantly goes to count, and Roode gets the win.

Winner and still TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode

It seems to me, that with Roode, Sting would have made a point NOT to count the pin, just to piss Roode off… considering he didn’t count the pin for Ray or for Hardy. Ha. That’s hilarious.

Roode and Sting stare down. Eventually Roode leaves, and Sting helps Hardy up.

End show.

 

Well, there were two decent matches tonight. Zema / Sorensen might have been good, I didn’t see enough of it to honestly say. It’s funny how they go from those matches, to the two matches they had at the end of the show. That Gunner / Garrett match was fucking painful to watch, and the 4-way was pretty dull too, but the finish? That was just plain contradictory. Pretty much par the course for TNA main events. Pretty unsatisfying to say the least. At least I got to see Shelley and Aries tear that shitty arena apart. That was awesome.

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading, and have an awesome week! I’ll be in my trailer.
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CB’s Slant: Why TNA Wrestling Needs to (Eventually) Leave the Impact Zone Behind for Good http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/06/cbs-slant-why-tna-wrestling-needs-to-eventually-leave-the-impact-zone-behind-for-good/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/06/cbs-slant-why-tna-wrestling-needs-to-eventually-leave-the-impact-zone-behind-for-good/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 14:00:03 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=135338 Over the weekend I caught up on my wrestling TV viewing and watched Thursday’s Impact and Friday’s SmackDown back to back.

While SmackDown offered the usual WWE fare (that was admittedly enhanced by Mike Gojira and Kelly Floyd’s hilarious combined SmackDown recap), Impact offered something different from their normal product since this episode was the first of two taped in front of a live and raucous audience from London, England’s Wembley Arena:

CB’s Slant: My point here is that I absolutely loved this episode of Impact because in addition to being the third straight solid show from a logic standpoint (with good booking backed by crisp wrestling and segments flowing well without feeling rushed or pointless), the whole product seemed like a much bigger deal when filmed in front of “the biggest audience in TNA history” (in their own words).

The crowd was not only big, it was PASSIONATE, and I’m sure that made the wrestlers work harder and invest more energy into the show than they do when they are at a smaller sound studio like the Impact Zone. They’re only human, after all.

The other thing about traveling to different areas for Impact is that it would enable TNA to gauge the real reactions from the fans to different segments, matches and storylines, plus whenever you interact with different regions the TV viewer gets pleasant surprises like “WE WANT D-VON!” chants from the UK crowd when Bully Ray talked during the opening segment. I love that stuff.

At the end of the day, I know the road is more expensive than having a home base down in Orlando. However, if TNA really wants to get to the next level of fan engagement both at live events and through television screens, then they really should leave the Impact Zone behind for good as soon as they can.

That’s just my take — CB.

What did you think of this past week’s Impact Wrestling show that aired from London, England’s Wembley Arena? Do you think it made a difference to your TV viewing experience? Also, what do you think about TNA taking to the road more often? Should they leave the Impact Zone behind? Sound off in the comments section below!

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Interinactivity: 02.03.2012 – The Great White Smoke http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/03/interinactivity-02-03-2012-the-great-white-smoke/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/02/03/interinactivity-02-03-2012-the-great-white-smoke/#comments Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:00:25 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=135053 This week, I pretty much had no choice but to cover Royal Rumble thoughts. These comments are taken from CB’s Royal Rumble Snapshot Recap, The Smart Rant For Royal Rumble by Scott Keith, 10 Thoughts On Royal Rumble by Kelly Floyd, Kyle’s Files by Kyle Fitta, and No Chance by Joel Leonard.

 

No Chance By Joel Leonard

Joel Leonard: Again we have what is supposed to be one of the most important titles getting pushed to the opening match of the show. I know that the Rumble match presents a unique situation, but this just continues the trend that is undermining the supposed integrity of the World Heavyweight Champion.

Blair: The World Heavyweight Title has been the B Title in WWE for some time now, but given recent events, and how much attention is generally paid to it… it’s now basically the ECW Title. Not the good one, either. The SyFy ECW Title.

 

Joel Leonard: They went for some intense pulling of heartstrings in the John Cena promo.

Blair: You know what, I actually half-enjoyed that video package. Not so much the music, but let’s face it, kids are not going to abandon John Cena as long as he’s a babyface. I don’t think the video package was necessarily designed to try to win people over for Cena as much as I think it was designed to remind the people that DO like him that he’s still a big hero. And remind people that DON’T like him that he still has plenty of supporters.

 

Joel Leonard: Entrants #1 and #2 last year were CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, both of who are defending major titles at the same event one year later. So, Anybody feeling bold enough to call Miz and Alex Riley for the title defenders at the 2013 Royal Rumble?

Blair: Yeah. Anyone?

 

Joel Leonard: Had this been any other match all of the silly bits may have annoyed me but because it was the Rumble, I knew that more “serious wrestlers” would be out later and there was no real risk of Rodriguez actually getting a main event shot at WrestleMania, so I enjoyed it for what it was.

Blair: Okay, this is tremendous. Way too many nerds bitch about silly stuff in the Rumble. The fucking thing is over an hour long, and comedy bits help slow things down and relax the crowd. I’m not sure last Sunday’s Rumble needed it per se, but they didn’t have a lot else planned. This is good advice. Enjoy Rumble comedy for what it is, because usually it’s a lot better than all the other “comedy” that WWE attempts.

 

Joel Leonard: Who’s responsible for making me think that Khali had retired?

Blair: I’m sure that whoever it was must have been playing a joke on you, because there’s no concept of “retirement” in professional wrestling. No one retires in wrestling. They get crippled or die. Take a look at Ric Flair. If he has his way, they’ll be doing the wrestling version of Weekend At Bernie’s with his corpse.

 

Joel Leonard: It was no Spider-man jump/The Floor is Lava/Balancing act back to the ring spot that Morrison had last year.

Blair: You’re right. It was better.

Joel Leonard: But it was close enough.

Blair: *sigh*

 

Joel Leonard: Both this year and last year, wrestlers who had matches earlier in the night were given slots in the Rumble. I always wonder why they would do this.

Blair: So that wrestlers who competed earlier who don’t have a World Title could still have a shot at winning one?

 

Joel Leonard: Theoretically Ziggler could have potentially been champion when he entered the Rumble. So what would happen if he wins?

Blair: Then he wouldn’t have entered the Royal Rumble and they would have used someone else.

Joel Leonard: Go after the Heavyweight Championship as well, and have a title Unification match?

Blair: Yes. Or that. Although I’m pretty certain they’re not just going to unify titles because Dolph Ziggler says so.

Joel Leonard: Or can he choose to go after his own title and then just spend WrestleMania holding his belt and giggling in the corner of the ring?

Blair: Yes, he can totally do that.

Also, CM Punk really did quit and walk out with the belt last year, all those people really did get lost on an island in the South Pacific, and I personally voted for David Palmer myself.

See that? In my answer I dropped one wrestling reference and TWO pop culture references.

Maybe I should start a pop culture column? Oooh, that would be SCARY.

 

Joel Leonard: WWE put every single announcer in the Rumble. And it’s not that I hated the fact that these guys were taking up valuable Rumble slots. I wasn’t crazy about it but I didn’t mind. No the problem with this is that once all three of them had been eliminated they spent the rest of the time on the mic talking about their brief entrants and hardly even mentioned the fact that there was a major match going on right in front of them for the rest of the night.

Blair: Right. Because there was just SO much going on at the time.

 

Joel Leonard: Yea, I’m excited Kharma’s back. I don’t know what she’s going to do since Beth Phoenix and Natalya pretty much took her gimmick when she got pregnant, but I’m excited.

Blair: Beth Phoenix and Natalya’s gimmick was morphing into a single giant black woman who could kill half the entire male roster?

 

Joel Leonard: What was most impressive about the end of the Rumble this year was how good of a match Jericho and Sheamus were having at the end. Filled with lots of near eliminations and close calls on both of them, plus lots of investment from the crowd. It was just about as good a singles match as any of the earlier matches on the card tonight.

Blair: You know what, as bad as this Shaemus thing is going to flop, and as funny as it will be when it does, no one was more surprised than me at how much these two volleyed (volley’d? Whatever.) at the end, and how good it was. Most things with Jericho are pretty good like this, but Shaemus pulled his weight too. Credit where it’s due.

Really though, Shaemus? Fucking Shaemus? Ha.

 

Mike Gojira: The same can be said for # 30 with Big Show, although they could say Henry was still unconscious or something.

Blair: Or still making his way through the backstage area.

 

Ryan Alarie: With the announcers, my only question was that how could Cole be shocked by their entries when they were wearing their tights the entire PPV (heck, Booker was apparently not wearing pants).

Blair: HAHAHAHAHA. That’s fucking awesome. Is this true? If so, hilarious.

 

Kyle’s Files

Kyle Fitta: If you compare Punk’s first run as champion to Daniel Bryan’s run, you can see the difference I am talking about. Punk won matches in fluky ways and never was allowed to look better than his opponents as a babyface, which made him look weak as a champion and made him less over. Meanwhile, Bryan is cheating and winning in cheap ways but it’s making him more of a credible (heel) champion and more over.

Blair: I could not agree with you more. I actually felt like that first Punk run was going to lead to a heel turn, which I think could have worked.

 

Kyle Fitta: Why would two people who hate each other want to try to wrestle and pin each other?

Blair: Wait, what? That’s what it’s about, like 90% of the time. They don’t know how to do that “this is in the spirit of competition thing” very well or very often anymore.

 

Kyle Fitta: So, why aren’t these two just trying to kill each other?

Blair: Because manslaughter is illegal.

Kyle Fitta: Wouldn’t that be the true thing that  Kane and Cena would be trying to accomplish instead of a meaningless pinfall that means nothing?

Blair: No. John Cena rises above hate.

 

Kyle Fitta: I believe that this stupid angle for McIntrye isn’t going to help him or anyone out at all. He has talent and now they’re wasting it.

Blair: Fuck Drew McIntyre. The guy is Lance Storm levels of boring.

 

Kyle Fitta: The comedy presented by Foley, Santino, and especially Richardo Rodriguez was gold.

Blair: It was GOLD, Jerry. GOLD!!!

 

10 Thoughts On Royal Rumble

Kelly Floyd: I’m really curious as to why we keep throwing Henry and Show into stipulation matches.

Blair: Have you ever seen them wrestle in matches WITHOUT stipulations? Unless Big Show is breaking the ring, wearing a sumo thong or doing top rope elbows, there’s not much fun to be had.

 

Kelly Floyd: It feels like they need a stipulation to take away from the fact that neither really packs more than a giant set of biceps.

Blair: And giant, fat, disgusting asses.

 

Kelly Floyd: The booty pop that Eve seems to always be doing now infuriates me. It goes to show that the Divas aren’t just a set of tits…they have asses, too!

Blair: Kelly, you are our only female columnist that I’m aware of. We are very lucky to have your female viewpoint on here, and we website count on you to deliver an accurate female perspective. You have a responsibility to the women who read this site. All of them. All 6 of them.

So you, above everyone else, REALLY should know that if you’re looking for decent women’s wrestling, you’re not going to find it in WWE.

 

Kelly Floyd: It is really cool to see Zack swimming in this big ocean. I love the guy; he’s really silly and entertaining. But I’ve always kind of wondered how he would fare in a serious feud. But, going head to head with the super serious Kane has proven him worthy, in my own opinion. He’s making it work and selling the angle. He finds new ways to prove himself, and I’m on board!

Blair: Well get ready, because it looks like that boat has more holes than a cheese grater now. This entire thing has made Zack look like a huge bitch who needs Cena to save him. While it has given him screen time, it’s failed to deliver him credibility that he desperately needed at the start of this push. If I were him, I’d be pissed. After all he did to get himself over with NO support from WWE.

 

Kelly Floyd: Can someone explain to me why they threw Brodus Clay into a match simply to squash his opponent in seconds?

Blair: Because that’s what they’ve been doing for weeks now?

 

Kelly Floyd: The PPV ended about fifteen minutes early…they couldn’t just squeeze in an extra minute or two to make the dancing buffoon look strong against the recently rehired McIntyre who can’t even beat Santino?

Blair: Make him look strong? He beat Drew with NO effort. What purpose would a few extra minutes have served? You really wanted to see him beat up Drew for another 15 minutes? THAT’S the match you would have extended?

 

Kelly Floyd: I have to admit, I about fell over when Socko and The Cobra faced off. Gold.

Blair: That’s TWO Kenny Banya’s for the Santino / Foley bit!

 

Kelly Floyd: Speaking of returns…is The Undertaker ever coming back?

Blair: Undertaker shouldn’t be working a lot anymore. He’s not far from a cripple these days.

 

Kelly Floyd: Call me crazy, but I just thought at least one of those three spots could have gone to pretty much anyone else.

Blair: I actually think they did it because they DIDN’T have anyone else. Cole, Lawler and Booker all probably got better responses than a guy like JTG or Tyler Reks or whoever would.

 

Kelly Floyd: Though I would have loved to see Jericho win it, who better than Sheamus?

Blair: How about Jericho?

 

Kelly Floyd: I think it’s great that recent winners have been somewhat newer, getting a chance to sink or swim at Wrestlemania.

Blair: So far, most of them have sunk. Miz and Del Rio are good examples. Shaemus will be the next one.

 

Mike Gojira: (To Kelly) Well until I get a Booty Pop from you, Eve trumps all.

Blair: Shameless.

 

Victor: The bar I was in went nuts for Kharma. Best moment of the night.

Blair: You watched Royal Rumble in a lesbian bar? Awesome.

 

The Smark Rant For Royal Rumble

Scott Keith: They’ve gotta let Henry sit out for a couple of months or else he’s gonna be done for good by Wrestlemania.

Blair: NO MARK HENRY AT WRESTLEMANIA?!?!

You mean it’ll be just like almost all those other WrestleMania’s they’ve had in the 15 years that he’s been with the company?

 

Scott Keith: Man, whose dog did Riley run over?

Blair: You mean when he was drunk driving in 2010?

 

Scott Keith: I just don’t get this whole thing where they find their decent prospects and then job them out of existence in a weird self-fulfilling prophecy.

Blair: It’s usually because their decent prospects turn out to be less than decent.

 

Scott Keith: Kofi Kingston gets tossed by the Miz, but lands on his HANDS and does a handstand to the stairs to save himself.  That got, I shit you not, a near-standing ovation from the movie theatre.

Blair: I believe that.

 

Scott Keith: Sheamus getting the unpredictable win with the Brogue Kick to eliminate Jericho.  I don’t see him in the title match by Wrestlemania somehow.

Blair: Haven’t you been paying attention! Shaemus is the future! He’ll be main-eventing WrestleMania with Wade Barrett in 2013!

 

CB’S World – Royal Rumble Snapshot

CB: Henry’s injury must have really affected some of the planning.

Blair: You mean you were deprived of the chance to see all those awesome moves that Mark Henry normally does?

 

CB: Does Sheamus moving into a main event slot at WrestleMania really excite the fans as much as Jericho would have?

Blair: How dare you doubt Irish Crimson’s ability to draw a WrestleMania buy-rate with his main-event slot. He’s a cornerstone!

 

CB: On a personal note, congratulations to Sheamus for winning his first Royal Rumble.

Blair: Do you know Shaemus personally?

 

Well, I guess that’s about it! I had fun reading all the Royal Rumble columns, so thanks to the other writers for doing them. That Rumble was interesting to say the least.

Everyone have a good weekend. I’ll be in my trailer.
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Interinactivity: 01.27.2011 – Ready 2 Rumble http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/27/interinactivity-01-27-2011/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/27/interinactivity-01-27-2011/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:00:03 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=134492 This is yet another column about me and why everything I say is right. If you disagree with anything I say in this article, then you are wrong. And goodness, but it took some time to get through this one. I mean, I have fun doing these, but in retrospect, I should have given out less homework.

I tried to get to everything, but I also decided I’d include stuff that people have e-mailed me over the last week, which I’ll be doing from now on, and really, should have been doing this entire time. My apologies if you’ve e-mailed me and I haven’t included it, but I will from now on.

I think I got to everything, but if a response to your comment or e-mail isn’t in here, it probably overlapped with another similar question or comment. My apologies.

 

Owangotang: Punk had a HUGE year last year. He’s on top and that is not going away, he’s 100% made now.

Blair: Don’t be so sure. Ratings have not done so well under Punk’s reign at the top. What merchandise is doing with regard to Punk versus when Cena was on top, I have no idea. But, if they give Punk’s reign some time to boost ratings, and it doesn’t, it won’t continue and that’s all there is to it. Then people will argue about whether it’s Punk’s fault or WWE’s fault. I personally find Punk 100% more watchable than John Cena, but it’s the numbers that matter.

 

Owangotang: He also has never faced an antagonistic John Cena. Maybe Johnny Ace or HHH or Stephanie help Cena beat Punk or maybe Cena just uses cheating like a mo’fo to win but Punk can still say that he won when they faced off straight up. Yea, it would mean Punk is not the spotlight of WrestleMania but he is not going to be anyways. Doesn’t it seem like something the WWE would want, to find SOME way to get the belt onto The Rock, even if he forfeits it or loses it the next night?

Blair: I wouldn’t think so, because this Cena / Rock thing doesn’t really need the belt to get over. Nothing involving The Rock does.

 

Owangotang: Oh I tend to agree with your point about how so many new talents are entering WWE with the same basics due to FCW and I agree that, right now, Wade Barrett is not the most entertaining or capable guy on the roster. My point was basically a counter to “…they gave him too much, too quickly, and he floundered”. He did not flounder initially. When Barrett was harassing Cena and was booked as a threat (with Nexus backing) people HATED him. He was a good antagonist, but then after a while that heat faded. I did not see Wade get worse (or better, actually) so then what changed? It was the way WWE made him a non-threat. Cena weathered Wade’s worst and still hung around and no real consequences came of it. Of course now the guy is struggling to reestablish himself, they cut his legs out from under him.

Blair: Just because WWE put a huge storyline around the guy does not mean he didn’t flounder initially. Everyone knew that Daniel Bryan was the one who should win that first NXT, even people who had no idea who he was before that. That match with Bryan and Jericho on the very first episode was a thing of beauty – Jericho helped Bryan looked like a million bucks, and his program with The Miz was really hot – it’s one of the only things of value that Miz has ever really done for WWE. But WWE said “so, you want Daniel Bryan to win, do you? Too bad. Here’s some other asshole you don’t care about. Look, he’s got a flower in his jacket! HOW DIFFERENT AND EXCITING!!!”

People tend to differ with opinions on that whole Nexus thing. I personally think it lost 100% of it’s steam on the second week, but regardless of what you think about it, I don’t really understand the idea that Wade did awesome during that entire thing. Even if you thought the Nexus storyline was great, Wade Barrett sounded (and sounds) like he’s talking with a mouth full of marbles. And no, since you’re going to ask, that’s not his accent, that’s just how he sounds. And his in-ring skills are fucking poor.

 

Zork: It does seem as if some phases were more successful than others, at least when it comes to producing above average wrestlers. After Angle got called up and there was the drive to get Amateur guys, we got people like Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin while not being that charismatic, they were good in ring performers who could generally have good matches, especially back when they were tagging. We also got Brock Lesnar out of that phase. Did have anything to do with these guys just being more naturally gifted in terms of learning how to wrestle and all that or more to do with the fact that these guys came from OVW instead of FCW. In fact, it seems the good to suck ratio of people that have come out developmental since WWE switched to FCW is pretty bad. I don’t understand how that is though, especially when they’ve had Ricky Steamboat down there as a trainer for a while, and now JR is paying visits to FCW.

Blair: Remember that Brock, Charlie and Shelton all had amateur backgrounds, and that helped a lot. But I highly doubt that Jim Ross would be able to tell you anything useful about how to pull off a suplex, and just because Ricky Steamboat was a great wrestler doesn’t mean he’s a fantastic trainer – maybe he’s really gifted with teaching match psychology, but isn’t great in terms of teaching guys how to do moves. Or vise-versa. Maybe it all comes naturally to Steamboat but he’s just shitty at teaching. Maybe he’s perfect at it and they just send him shitty bodybuilders.

Or, more likely, it’s that WWE is perfectly content with the quality of guys they’re getting from FCW, even if a lot of other people aren’t. In-ring product isn’t as important to WWE as it used to be, and really, why should it be? Look at the biggest money-makers that WWE has employed. Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, The Rock, and John Cena – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that none of those gentlemen will go down as great in-ring workers. I’m not saying that they’re incapable of having good and entertaining matches, because they aren’t. Steve Austin’s matches against The Rock are some of my favorite matches ever, as is Hogan’s WrestleMania match against Rock. And almost everyone enjoys watching those guys have matches even though they’re not great workers, including myself. So why should WWE care? They’re not as hung-up on in-ring ability as people think.

Who knows. In-ring, I mostly prefer the guys they get from the indies or from other countries to the guys who are born and bred in that FCW territory. But that’s me.

 

Ryan Alarie: Barrett’s initial push was cut off at the knees…

Blair: … because he was doing terribly.

Ryan Alarie: … but that is pretty much the case for everyone.

Blair: … except that it isn’t. Not if they do well. See also: Shaemus.

 

Ryan Alarie: The Nexus was, like many things, a good start without an ending. If they hadn’t removed his guaranteed title shot, they could have given Barrett a run with the title where he used the Nexus to retain the title for a while. However, that has nothing to do with how he’s booked.

Blair: You’re right – it had to do with how well he was doing in his role, just like everything else. I’d agree that Nexus had a good start, and if Barrett had been delivering, there’s no question that they would have put that belt on him and done what you suggested. But the reason that they didn’t do that is the same reason they shipped him over to SmackDown and shotgunned his untalented ass down the card: Because. He. Wasn’t. Doing. Well. Putting the belt on Barrett wouldn’t have been THAT much of a stretch when he had already been the main antagonist to John Cena for several months.

 

Ryan Alarie: As a wrestler/entertainer though, he’s limited by lack of experience. He’s recieved basically the same training as most of the young guys in the ‘E who similarly suffer from the same lack of depth. He is a ‘decent’ wrestler in that, for the most part, he’s not out there botching all the time or risking hurting people. However, he isn’t spectacular or very interesting, as he needs to go beyond having an interesting accent, an interesting look, and being competent on the mike and in the ring. He may just be looking for the right character to click. It could be that he just has to be allowed to be himself, or he needs a gimmick. Blair isn’t looking at Barrett in terms of whether or not he’s pushed (as pushed well does not equate to being good or interesting …). Barrett, pushed or not, gets enough TV time to talk on the mike and wrestle to have a decent idea of how interesting he is to watch. And he’s still green. A new finisher would help, but it’s more than just having a crappy finisher. It’s a the lack of skills that make a wrestler good or great. He knows the basics, and with someone in the ring that knows what they are doing, they can pull him to a decent match. However, he’s not exceptional yet, he’s merely adequate. A lot of young guys coming out of FCW are going to be merely adequate for a while as they adjust to the big stage and get some

Blair: “Being pushed well does not equate to being good or interesting” is a perfect quote. I can’t imagine what WWE or Barrett could come up with to make the guy “click”, but hey, you never know. I do remember one half-decent outing where Bryan flipped around the ring like a maniac to make Barrett look good, and actually somewhat succeeded. But if the dude is still green after a year-and a half of being on TV, then at some point, they’re going to start looking for a return on their investment. Barrett and Shaemus are both in somewhat the same position – their initial pushes didn’t work out, they spent a year-or-so in obscurity, and now WWE is trying again with them. If the second time doesn’t work, how many more times do you think WWE is going to put them at bat, and how long do you think they’ll be allowed to continue to draw a WWE salary?

 

Owangotang: With all due respect it’s not Barrett’s fault that when Cena was “fired” the fans at house shows were subjected to Juan Cena, never mind the fact that Cena never actually left RAW. That whole angle really did Barrett no favors because once the fans saw that Cena was not going anywhere, despite losing and being fired, then Barrett was no longer a threat. He had done his worst and Cena still just stuck around like a stale fart.

Blair: Graphic.

Barrett was never booked as a threat to begin with. Nexus was booked as a threat to John Cena because there were 6 or 7 of them. And even that didn’t last long, because soon Cena just started beating the bejesus out of all of them at once anyway. If they had taken Cena off RAW for a while, you really think Barrett would have skyrocketed? I think not.

They actually pulled the trigger on that Juan Cena thing?

 

Owangotang: If the Royal Rumble ends the way you’ve just described I will be severely disappointed to the point that I tune out of WWE. Royal Rumble is sacred to me and it’s been too much bullsh*t lately, I need a solid winner.

Blair: I can’t tell if you mean that WWE has been bullshit lately, or that Royal Rumble has been bullshit lately, by which I assume you mean the last few years. If you mean the last few years, then the last 5 winners have been The Undertaker, John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Alberto Del Rio. I’m not a big Edge fan, but I would say that only one of those winners turned out to be a flop, and it wasn’t Edge.

Poor Alberto. More on him later.

 

Ryan Alarie: Rumble: While I think Sheamus might win, I do like the idea floated by the Aftermath crew, which is that Jericho gets number 30 and wins the Rumble without doing anything (last two people eliminate themselves while Jericho is still ‘celebrating’ outside the ring.

Blair: Jericho has never won a Royal Rumble, and I’d like to see him win one too. A Shaemus win would pretty much be the worst idea possible aside from Mark Henry unless you start floating around ideas like Hunrico winning.

 

Ryan Alarie: Miz: Not sure if they will sustain the R-Truth thing that long, but they can have them in the Rumble and in the Elimination Chamber and not have them pay things off with a real 1 on 1 match until Wrestlemania. Otherwise, they might have some sort of MitB variant to get people on the card.

Blair: Miz is going to be lost in the undercard of WrestleMania, which is where he belongs. The highest he can possibly get on the card will be if they can convince one of those Jersey Shore guys to come in and kick his ass.

 

Ryan Alarie: Henry: Assuming he’s healthy, and they want him on the card, he’d either get put up against Sheamus to give Sheamus the rub as the guy to ‘actually’ beat Henry.

Blair: Big Show “actually” beat Henry a couple months ago.

Big Boss Man, Road Dogg, D’Lo Brown, Matt Hardy, Finlay and Heath Slater have “actually” beaten Henry as well.

 

Ryan Alarie: Sheamus: See above … either going for the belt, or doing something with Henry. I would guess his thing with Barrett would be over by then.

Blair: Unfortunately, I could see Shaemus as the guy who goes for the belt against Bryan too – again, assuming Bryan holds onto it for that long. Either him or Orton. It might just be me, but Bryan’s main-event run looks to be on shaky ground. That would be fine – I really can’t see Shaemus flourishing to success in the title-match-at-WrestleMania environment, and I’m pretty sure that WWE knows that, even if they wish it weren’t the case. If Shaemus EVER made it onto a WrestleMania poster with less than 10 other guys on there, I’d be really surprised.

 

Ryan Alarie: Cody Rhodes: Weird situation. It seems like there are no IC contenders. Unless something happens during the Rumble to spark a feud, I’m going to guess they may have Golddust come back to fight his brother at WM.

Blair: Cody Rhodes bores the hell out of me. But they’re serious about him, so I’m quite sure they’ll try to have him do something high-profile.

 

Ryan Alarie: DB’s half turn: I like it. His matches are showing that he can survive in the land of giants, but even when everyone knows that wrestling is fake, there is still the whole “suspension of disbelief” thing where you get taken out of the match when say … Rey beats the Big Show. So, with someone as small as Bryan going up against Big Show and Mark Henry, you aren’t going to buy him winning legit, so his cheating (in a way that he can explain away as accident or coincidence) makes sense. The hope would be, against opponents that aren’t super heavyweights, he can be given more of chance to prove that he ‘can’ win legit, and then be a full blown heel by cheating anyway. It’s different than most of the other characters, and it’s better than looking like a chump like most MitB winners do. At least cheating (and retaining) against Big Show and Mark Henry seems more impressive than say … Jericho needing to cheat to beat Rikishi when he was undisputed champ.

Blair: WWE isn’t great at that with heels, though – they generally have them cheat to win almost every match that isn’t against Santino. I do get what you’re saying though, although I would absolutely buy Bryan winning in a real fight over Big Show OR Mark Henry. Big Show isn’t mobile and Mark Henry breaks out in a sweat every time he breathes, and Bryan’s kicks look like they can make a man shit piss and piss shit.

 

Ryan Alarie: Wade Barrett: He was elevated too quickly because he was seen as the best of a bad crop coming out of NXT. He was the one with the look, and didn’t completely embarass himself on the mike or in the ring. When they basically decided to graduate DB early into a feud with Cole and Miz that was sidelined by the whole Nexus thing, Barrett was seen as a future star. He was Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes and Ted’s Kid, he was Randy Orton, he was Rocky Maivia. He was a blue chipper that was guaranteed to be a big part of the future of the WWE. And so, like everyone that has come out of NXT or Tough Enough, they gave him too much too quickly, and he floundered.

Blair: He’s not one iota better now than he was back then.

 

Ryan Alarie: He’s come from FCW, just like everyone else, so his moveset and his promos, are like everyone elses. People don’t come up through the territories anymore, they don’t go to Japan and Mexico for the most part. There is really just the indies or developmental. And so lots of the developmental guys are quite similar, and thus boring because of how similar they are to other developmental guys.

Blair: Let’s remember that out of ALL the guys they’ve ever pulled from FCW, the only one’s that have made it – TRULY made it, are John Cena, Randy Orton, and Batista. So the deck is pretty stacked against Barrett being the next one in that lineage. I suppose you COULD make a case for Brock Lesnar, but he also had an amateur background. Maybe you’ll be able to say the same thing about Cody Rhodes, who sucks, in a few years too.

 

Ryan Alarie: They’ve gone through a few ‘phases’ of trying to get guys from different areas. After Angle, they wanted more guys from amateur wrestling. After Del Rio, they went for more luchadores.

Blair: You mean “two”, right? “Two” luchadores.

 

Ryan Alarie: After Punk, it seems they are at least trying with some more Indy Darlings. But, for the most part, the domination of the ‘E has made it so that there isn’t a great system for creating interesting wrestlers anymore. The path to ‘E used to be varied, and each person would bring with them a different set of skills and experiences. Now, they all have to go through FCW.

Blair: There are still plenty of independents out there, actually I would bet money that there’s more now than there were a decade ago. And once they’re ready to graduate from indies, they can try ROH or DGUSA to really mature as a wrestler before they go to WWE.

 

Owangotang: I know Velvet is rockin’ the bolt-ons but man she’s foxy. Can she actually wrestle?

Blair: No.

 

Owangotang: Also that is the most attractive Angelina Love picture I’ve ever seen. I’m kidding, I’m sure she is lovely and can have make fascinating conversation about many topics of the day.

Blair: Like the dangers of allowing ghosts to give you rohypnol.

Actually, I would legit watch a storyline where Angelina gives speeches to high schools or women’s groups about the dangers of allowing ghosts to drug you. That would be awesome.

 

Owangotang: Who will win the Royal Rumble? Sheamus, leading to Sheamus/Bryan at WM for the World Title and Sheamus gets his career’s biggest WM moment to date.

Blair: Another one? Damn it all. If Shaemus actually wins, looking at the comments on here are going to be really annoying for me.

So yeah, do you really think this “WrestleMania moment”, if it happens, will lead to big things for Shaemus? Do you think it’s one of the ways to elevate him to this “cornerstone” status that he’s apparently so destined for? Do you really see him getting a huge reaction for beating Bryan and winning the belt?

 

Owangotang: Don’t forget that Sheamus lost to HHH at WM two years ago and last year he was not even on the televised card, I’m sure WWE feels that he needs a positive Wrestlemania moment. Hell, Miz MAIN-EVENTED Wrestlemania last year so this does not seem like a stretch.

Blair: You do have a point here, but you also kind of made MY point. So they’re going to give this Shaemus guy another chance to try and earn some money for WWE. Do you really think that just because Shaemus is a good guy now that he’s going to have some huge moment at WrestleMania that will launch his career? Do you really think this WrestleMania will be talked about on a Shaemus DVD a few years from now, where you have Jim Ross saying “this was the night Shaemus became a made man in sports entertainment”?

 

Owangotang: Who will be in the World Title matches at Wrestlemania? Sheamus/Bryan as noted above, as well as C.M. Punk vs. John Cena…and then later John Cena vs. the Rock. Hear me out on this because I think it’s brilliant (which means it’s sh*t but just listen); Cena promised last year that he would be champion at Wrestlemania when he faced the Rock. It has not been mentioned recently but it could be brought back up as soon as post-Rumble. Assuming Sheamus wins the Royal Rumble and challenges Bryan that means the Elimination Chamber could be for the WWE title shot. Somehow Zack Ryder gets put into the EC match and ends up with Cena as the last two remaining competitors. Ryder hits his finisher, nearly pins Cena…and Cena snaps. He brutalizes Ryder well past the point needed to pin him, with something like 5 AA’s and the STFU. Cena then goes to WM as an antagonist (is this acceptable in place of heel?) to Punk’s protagonist. Cena wins with antagonist tactics, then later in the night proceeds to lose the belt to the Rock. WWE gets to showcase Rock as champ for just one night and the hype on the whole thing leading into WM would be off the charts.

Blair: I don’t see how WWE can come up with 5 Arn Anderson’s.

Also, why would they put the title on a guy who shows up to 6 shows per year and wrestles once? Rock is the most over guy in WWE without the belt.

 

Owangotang: What do you see the following people doing at WM? Miz – No idea. He went from WWE champ to feuding with Alex Riley in a few months last year. Who the hell knows what they have planned for him.

Blair: Two words. Jersey. Shore.

 

Owangotang: Mark Henry – fighting Brodus Clay.

Blair: On the pre-pre-show.

 

Owangotang: What do I think of the Daniel Bryan half turn? I like Bryan acting antagonistically, but the best part is the slow burn on this. Not all turns should be slow but this one is working well, reminds me of when Punk first went antagonistic in WWE.

Blair: I agree.

 

Owangotang: What could Ring of Honor possibly do to bring more viewers to it’s TV show? 1. Fine ladies.

Blair: Terrible idea. Women don’t draw.

 

Owangotang: 2. Paul Heyman involved at the highest booking level.

Blair: Over-rated idea.

 

Owangotang: 3. A very slow burn feud between what the company considers it’s top protagonist and antagonist, like no contact whatsoever in the ring for at least a year.

Blair: The problem is that they’ve already done that, which is sort of why I’m having a hard time getting into Ring Of Honor right now. Davey Richards is a great wrestler, but he’s somewhat boring and bland to watch. To do what you’re suggesting means using big enough names that I’m not even sure they can come up with.

 

Owangotang: Finally 4. Advertise. I consider myself plugged-in but I have no idea where to find ROH on TV.

Blair: Well, that last one isn’t really their fault, because it’s likely you CAN’T find it on your TV. It’s syndicated.

 

Owangotang: Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and a boring person to watch? I disagree and think he is a capable wrestler, but I will admit he can be boring. I still think he is a natural antagonist though and the WWE will have him wrestling for a World title at WM in 2013. He’s their future, I remain convinced.

Blair: So you legitimately think that Wade Barrett is WWE’s future. Who’s his protagonist going to be? Shaemus? You think that WWE is going to main-event a WrestleMania with fucking Shaemus and Wade Barrett?

Does this scenario involve a WWE plane crashing, killing most of the roster?

 

Owangotang: So y’all need a TNA recapper?

Blair: YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!

 

Anonymous: Looking back on last year’s Rumble, they should have simply went with Santino winning. Would have created more shock value and intrigue than Alberto ever could muster.

Blair: What is with people taking terrible ideas and then inventing ways to make them worse?

 

Zork: Actually, yes that’s true. Looking back though, how does one guy drop the ball TWICE, in one year? Talk about underwhelming.

Blair: For anyone who says I always think I’m right, or whatever, here’s an example of how that’s not the case. I actually think I may have been wrong about Alberto Del Rio. That guy had some great matches with CM Punk, Christian, and John Morrison last year. The issue is not that he’s not talented. The issue is the character they’ve given him – they said to him “we’re thinking Mexican JBL”. They even gave him the towel and the cars, for crying out loud.

But yeah, the booking and the execution of his title runs and everything that went along with it was terrible. I’m not denying that. I’m just saying I think the guy is a lot better than his recent booking indicates, and I wouldn’t say that about a lot of guys on WWE’s roster. My opinion.

 

 

Zork: I appreciate you picking my comment out and featuring me, thanks! As for my comment, I was just being realistic. I don’t think they’d use RVD in a main event capacity that much unless it was to help get a heel champion over, be in tag matches and close out Raws. I’m fine with that, it’d be kinda nice to see him again. Because if they’re in TNA, they’re dead to me.

Blair: Every time you say that, Dixie Carter gets another grey hair.

 

Zork: Who is going to win the Royal Rumble: I honestly don’t know. It’s been a bit hard for me to pick someone lately just because in the past few years, it seems like they just randomly pick a guy don’t really think that far ahead…shocking I know. Plus with Rumble Winners becoming complete busts lately like Alberto Del Rio and all, I guess I was so underwhelmed by last years Rumble I couldn’t bring myself to pick a guy this year. Now? I’m thinking Chris Jericho. Why? No real reason, the idea of him winning and going on to face CM Punk at Mania sounds cool.

Blair: I covered this earlier, but other than last year, the only winners they’ve had over the last 5 years and beyond that were pretty much mainstay main-event guys. Yes, last year was disappointing. But they can’t all be gems.

 

Zork: Who is going to be in the World Title Matches at WM: I guess I’m thinking Jericho and Punk for the WWE Title. As for the World Heavyweight Title…uhhh…I hope it isn’t Big Show and Mark Henry or something. Does that count? This will make me seem like a stupid optimist but I’d like to think Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan would be pretty cool to see.

Blair: Not really. I don’t really see another great option for Bryan, so I think Randy Orton is as big a name Bryan is going to get, assuming he makes it that far. Anything involving Mark Henry in that scenario is guaranteed to be no fun. Ditto with Big Show, unless he’s willing to almost kill himself again by doing some more top rope elbows.

 

Zork: What do you see the following people doing at WrestleMania: The Miz, Mark Henry, Shaemus, and Cody Rhodes: I see Miz being in an undercard match against R-Truth or something, maybe with a stipulation…I feel like we’re in for the long haul on that one.

Blair: I fell asleep reading that.

 

Zork: Mark Henry…uhhh…resting? I know he’s injured, I know he probably feels like he’s got some momentum now but he’s hurt. Shouldn’t he be resting?

Blair: Mark Henry has spent over half his career either resting or healing, so if that momentum that he “feels like he’s got” is actually real, then I completely understand him wanting to get all he can out of it.

 

Zork: Sheamus would be in some kind of Triple Threat or Fatal Four Way or a Battle Royal, just to have something to do I’d think, it’s pretty clear nobody has anything for him to do…he’s fighting his greatest nemesis in Jinder Mahal, wow.

Blair: So that’s the piss break match then?

 

Zork: What do you think about the Daniel Bryan half turn?: I like it. I know a lot of people on the internet are butthurt and want Daniel Bryan to be the super face and “Defy the odds” all the time but this is different and unexpected actually. At least he has something to do now and is the focus of one of the main storylines. I don’t like that he’s stuck facing Big Show but there really isn’t anybody else on that show with enough credibility to help move this story forward in WWE’s eyes. This is an improvement though from barely seeing Daniel Bryan at all though, isn’t it?

Blair: Yes.

 

CB: How long until Jeff Hardy disgraces himself and TNA yet again, and how long will it take after that until he’s back in main events? I think Jeff will be fine, actually.

Blair: CB, you know better than this. Go to your room and read Zork’s answer.

Zork: How long until Jeff Hardy disgraces himself and TNA yet again, and how long will it take after that until he’s back in main events?: Give him 1 to 3 months to get back on the wagon, then after he’s “punished” give that another 1 to 3 months and we’ll be back at square one. This guy’s been “clean” before. That’s funny.

 

Zork: Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and boring person to watch?: He’s a pretty bad wrestler, I’ll agree with that. He’s got a really limited moveset and doesn’t seem to be capable of having a match of about 20 minutes length, that tells me he’s either green as hell or he just sucks. I do however think he’s a pretty good talker, I’ve thought some of his promos were pretty good. That’s probably what’s going to be his saving grace, and it has been reported that management likes Wade Barrett’s talking skills so…we’re probably stuck with him for a while.

Blair: Next someone is going to tell me that Wade Barrett is going to win the Royal Rumble.

 

Chris Sanders: Who is going to win the Royal Rumble? before Jericho came back in the picture, my initial thoughts were that it was gonna be Sheamus…not really for any particular reason. but jericho just seams like the obvious pick at this point.

Blair: Agree.

 

Chris Sanders: Who is going to be in the World Title matches for WrestleMania? punk vs jericho and mark henry vs Orton (I still don’t see WWE keeping the belt on Bryan that long)

Blair: Good God, I hope you’re not right about this. Orton you sort of have to accept because he’s a main guy in the company, and I wouldn’t be that surprised if Bryan didn’t last this long, but Mark Fucking Henry? On the WrestleMania poster? Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t you people pretending that Mark Henry is anything above terrible been pretending for long enough? All I want is for you to be freed.

 

Chris Sanders: What do you see the following people doing at WrestleMania: The Miz, Mark Henry, Shaemus, and Cody Rhodes. Cody will probably face off against Goldust and as for the rest, I envision some sort of abomination tag team much like last year’s random face team vs the corre.

Blair: Now this, (the abomination tag match) I could see happening, and is easily the best suggestion yet for how to use most of these guys. Or, just don’t put them on the show at all. It worked with Shaemus last year.

 

Chris Sanders: What do you think about the Daniel Bryan half-turn? its confusing to say the least and I don’t know if its going so slow because WWE wants to take their time with it or if they are making it up week by week. my guess is the latter since the title was thrown on Bryan because of an unexpected injury to Henry.

Blair: It’s funny that people keep saying that. Obviously they intended to put the belt on Bryan, because he had the damn briefcase.

 

Chris Sanders: How long until Jeff Hardy disgraces himself and TNA yet again, and how long will it take after that until he’s back in main events? i’ll put my money on 6 months and return about 3 months after he finishes whatever legal punishment he gets (this is assuming TNA won’t just give up on him and let him go, which i think is more likely)

Blair: TNA doesn’t give up on anyone. They employed Orlando Jordan for a year, and still employ Shannon Moore.

 

CB: Who is going to win the Royal Rumble? Chris Jericho, and I love the idea someone had where Jericho draws #30 and before he lifts a finger the last two remaining entrants eliminate each other, and then Y2J simply celebrates and leaves.

Blair: I also like this idea.

 

CB: Who is going to be in the World Title matches for WrestleMania? Jericho vs. Punk for the WWE title. Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan for the Big Gold Belt.

Blair: I kind of ruined the responses to CB by already putting other similar comments first. I will fix this next week, by responding to the comments on a “first come, first serve” basis.

 

 

CB: What could Ring Of Honor possibly do to start bringing more viewers to it’s TV show? Get on more TV stations in NY.

Blair: How is it that no one else suggested this? Good idea.

 

CB: Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and boring person to watch? Disagree, Wade is fine, love that jacket too. I just want him to get a better finishing move.

Blair: Getting a better finishing move is just going to cause people to say that he’s “improving”. I don’t think any of us want that.

 

Mike Gojira: I think it has to be said that, with Randy Orton injured, and Mark Henry injured, and Christian injured, and even SPOILER ALERT Big Show possibly injured (back injury following Smackdown taping), the company needs to start pushing their younger talent on Smackdown. Let’s face it: the only reason Daniel Bryan is champion now is because they don’t trust Big Show with the belt. If they didn’t trust Show to bring in the ratings as champ, then why was he in an extended program with Henry? To keep Orton out of the title picture. Why are they keeping Sheamus in a holding pattern? To make him a break-out star by Wrestlemania, I assume. In the meantime, we have no top face on the B-Show because the WWE seems unwilling to take a chance on anyone fresh, even with half the damn roster injured.

Blair: They’d obviously planned on Bryan being champion for a while, because again, HE. HAD. THE. BRIEFCASE. Briefcase cash-ins have led to title wins 100% of the time. What is with the resistance to this concept?! Just because someone who isn’t in WWE reported that management was happy with Henry’s title run, which produced no gains, it must be the gospel truth? And even if it was, then what, you thought they we’re just gonna keep the belt on Henry forever or have the Big Show feud last until the end of time?

 

Mike Gojira: That’s why my SmackDown recaps have turned into work instead of fun.

Blair: I don’t see how SmackDown has been any fun since 2002, but yeah, I don’t know how you sit through that every week. As tough as it was to do Impact for me, at least it wasn’t boring. I tried to sit through a couple SmackDowns and just couldn’t make it. The Daniel Bryan story, whatever you think of Bryan, is at least a bit intriguing because you don’t know where thy’re going with it, right? Does that make it a bit more interesting for you, or no?

 

CB: They can fix that Mike, by putting the newly unshackled Kofi Kingston into a baby face slot on SmackDown, and a few other tweaks like that.

Blair: Now, this is a good idea. People have ALWAYS loved Kofi Kingston. I know that WWE hates him for some reason, but whatever you think of him, Kofi has gotten some of the best reactions on the show for YEARS now. Yes, I know he didn’t sell an RKO properly ONCE, but hasn’t the guy done his time? Obviously this Air Bourne thing is bullshit for several reasons, so just let him leave it in the dust already.

 

Cristo: Who is going to win the Royal Rumble? Prob Randy Orton :yawn:

Blair: Again? Balls.

 

Cristo: Who is going to be in the World Title matches for WrestleMania? Orton v Henry, Rock v Cena :Yawn:

Blair: Yawn for Orton / Henry maybe, but why have people been hating on this whole Rock / Cena thing? I wouldn’t have done it the way they did it, but at least the match itself will probably be fun… won’t it?

 

Cristo: What do you see the following people doing at WrestleMania: The Miz, Mark Henry, Shaemus, and Cody Rhodes? I don’t really care about any of these.

Blair: My people. Thank you Cristo. I was hoping at least one person would say that.

 

Cristo: Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and boring person to watch? I’m english and even I don’t care about this guy, apparently he’s really good friends with Andi Peters which is pretty damn handy for 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Blair: Seriously? Using that as his gimmick would be way more entertaining than anything he’s done over his entire WWE career.

 

Comment Received Via E-mail
Bebito: 
Greetings Blair. I’m Bebito Thank you. It’s just nice to have someone writing in the wrestling section that I look forward to reading. Ever week. Which is amazing for me. It’s always entertaining. Heck, bring even more of your friends to write for the site. It’ll at least entertain one person. As for my homework, I’ve submitted it below:

Blair: Dawwwwwww.

Bebito: Who is going to win the Royal Rumble? Chris Jericho. Why? Because I love Chris Jericho. And it’d be awesome. Awesome mostly because, again, I love Jericho thus I want it to happen so I’ll come up with any sort of slightly plausible scenario to placate myself. For instance, I’ve read a couple of places on the intrawebs how they’d get a Jericho “win” to work and, sure whatever, I want him to win so let’s go with it. There’s the idea of him coming out as one of the highest numbered entrants, celebrating with the fans for so long that there’s only person left in the ring, and then finally enters the Rumble as the last person by proxy eliminating whoever was left (let’s say it’s Goldberg). Of course the fact that we’re even talking about this possibility means it won’t happen. Which is fine. As long as Jericho wins. Because I care about fake sports and that makes me happy inside.

Blair: Well, you can’t really argue with that logic, can you? See, that’s the thing. Bebito wants Chris Jericho to win because he likes Chris Jericho. That’s something that makes sense. If you want Mark Henry to win because you like Mark Henry, that makes sense too. But there’s a big difference between comments like this and comments like “Mark Henry should win the Royal Rumble because he’s awesome and has paid his dues and gets the biggest crowd reactions and has improved so much and management is pleased with his work and IT FACTOR.”

 

Bebito: Who is going to be in the World Title matches for WrestleMania? Since Jericho wins the Rumble guaranteed (don’t question it, I said GUARANTEED) have CMPunk retain the title until Mania and we get the rumored Chris Jericho vs CMPunk wet dream match that I and 96.4% of the intraweb want to see. It’s for the right to use the “Best in the World” title! And it’s for… the actual Title. Yes.

Blair: Yes.

Bebito: As for the other match? Um. I don’t actually care really. So let’s make it Daniel Bryan vs Dolph Ziggler vs… Kofi Kingston? Yeah him, that’ll do. No build. No reason. Announce the match the Smackdown before Wrestlemania, I don’t care. I just want to see a good match and everyone else kinda sucks. So BOOK IT.

Blair: The best would be if they had the entire SmackDown before WrestleMania just be Teddy Long and a few other suits debating who should get the match. And just before the credits, Teddy Long can be all “Playas, I just realized that everyone we have is horrible except for these 3. I guess that makes it easy, don’t it? HOLLA HOLLA!”

 

Bebito With The Comment Of The Week: What do you see the following people doing at WrestleMania - The Miz: Selling Popcorn. Mark Henry: Eating popcorn. Shaemus and Cody Rhodes: Jobbing to Brock Lesnar? Umm. The real answer is I don’t care.

Blair: PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T GO!

 

Bebito: What do you think about the Daniel Bryan half-turn? I like it! Before I only wanted to see Daniel wrestle and that was about it. Now when he picks up a microphone, I no longer cringe! So BOOK IT. Wait… does that make any sense?

Blair: SAUCE IT!

 

Bebito: How long until Jeff Hardy disgraces himself and TNA yet again, and how long will it take after that until he’s back in main events? Tomorrow? Did it already happen? I don’t know. I won’t ever know because I’ll never watch TNA.

Blair: What if Chris Jericho went to TNA?

 

Bebito: What could Ring Of Honor possibly do to start bringing more viewers to it’s TV show? Get bought by the WWE. BOOK IT.

Blair: WWE has no idea how to book for the audience that ROH goes for.

 

Bebito: Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and boring person to watch? Because he turned on his NXT mentor Chris Jericho. See what happens? Chris Jericho’s first official match back should be squashing Wade Barrett with the arrogant cover in a 2 minute match. Because that would be awesome. Because I care about fake sports and that makes me happy inside.

Blair: BOOK IT!

Needless to say, I enjoyed that e-mail.

 

Well, that should about do it for this week. Thanks for the comments! Again, next week I’ll be answering them in the order they’re posted.

Have fun watching The Royal Rumble this weekend, I know I will. For how bad I think wrestling shows are in general these days, one thing that never really disappoints me is The Royal Rumble. Even if Del Rio did win with a whimper last year, I still enjoyed the match as a whole, and that was one of the weaker Rumbles in history. The concept of the Royal Rumble is such that even if it’s done badly, and even if most of the guys in it are terrible, it still ends up being one of the more entertaining matches all year long.

This has been “Interinactivity”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

I’ll be in my trailer.

 
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Interinactivity: 01.20.2012 – What It Is http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/20/interinactivity-01-20-2012-the-air-up-there/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/20/interinactivity-01-20-2012-the-air-up-there/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=134088 It has come to my attention reading the comments of Swayze’s latest offering, that some of the readers of our wonderful website still feel compelled to read articles by writers that they are already aware they won’t enjoy. Apparently they feel this takes away from their enjoyment of the site somehow. I can only assume that this is because they are children or have OCD. I dont know, I’m not a doctor.

But, just so you know BEFORE you read this – like 95% of what I write, this is not serious. I recommend not reading this if that will somehow sour your opinion on a website that covers a fake sport. However, did you know that we ALSO employ writers who DO write serious articles? It’s true. They’re good articles, too, I read them all the time, and we feel that having a mix is not a bad thing, so if you want to go read something serious, I recommend you go check one of those out.

Go on, get out of here! Go have fun! You little scamps.

Sigh. They grow up too fast. Seems like just yesterday they were running around in their Ken Kennedy t-shirts.

 

Big Lou: “TNA is not really all that important. So TNA is not invited to my anniversary.” Yet you dedicate an ENTIRE article to TNA and their wrestlers? No wonder Insidepulse can get out of it’s own way when they have awful writers on the site.

Blair: You missed the point of the article. You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music. Until then, I’ll explain it:

  • The entire crux of the article illustrates how little I care about TNA.
  • The complete lack of TNA articles on this site illustrates how little demand there is for articles about TNA.
  • The fact that we can’t hang on to a TNA recapper to save our lives illustrates how little people even care to READ about what happens in TNA. That’s right assholes, ANOTHER TNA recapper quit on us. I believe this is the third person to abandon it since I had my rage stroke.
  • The awful writers you were talking about don’t work here anymore. They work for the basketball division now.

Try to keep up.

 

Zork: I’ve heard some rumblings of RVD coming back to WWE lately. If there’s any truth to the rumblings then I doubt it will go past talks cause Rob wants a part time schedule. I say give him his part time schedule, and use him to get younger guys over in good feuds.

Blair: I don’t know, I guess I’d watch an RVD WWE comeback. Would it really be all that good if he was half what he once was and you KNEW he was going to lose to Cody Rhodes? I guess that’s why I had a hard time getting geared up to watch Booker T take on Cody, and I quite enjoy Booker T. I think if Van Dam had some time to prepare, he might have one good run left in him. He’s had a couple years off, and it’s not like TNA is bringing out the best in him.

 

Autorschaft: I think you are clearly not in the minority regarding Bully Ray, seeing as everyone has him in their top “great surprises” lists for 2011.

Blair: A lot of those lists are complete bullshit. If you need proof, just take a look at the “most improved” category. I’m not saying you’re wrong, because you’re not. But among the fans that I tend to most identify, they think this Bully Ray thing sucks. See, people? All fans are different. We’re like snowflakes. Snowflakes who happen to enjoy a form of entertainment that is almost universally regarded as inferior to NASCAR.

 

Autorschaft: I think, however, you are being unfair to some people on this list like Sorensen and Magnus. Sorensen is still a little bland but Magnus already has serious charisma. Both guys should definitely be kept around and built up for the future.

Blair: Hey, I can’t be unfair to Sorensen if I don’t even know who the fuck he is. I wasn’t rendering an opinion on him, because I’ve never seen him. I didn’t even KNOW if he was the guy with the football – I guessed. He might be really good. I don’t know, but that football thing is really stupid. That’s all I said. As for Magnus, what do you mean that he “already” has serious charisma? Magnus has been in TNA for YEARS off and on. Personally speaking, I never found him all that entertaining to watch – I always considered Williams to be the far better wrestler and performer of the two, although I did think Magnus was okay, just nothing special. He was better than Rob Terry, but a monkey with a stick shoved up it’s ass coming out it’s throat in it’s final death twitches could hit more moves than Rob Terry.


Autorschaft: By the way, it’s not often commented on, but is anyone else amazed how far Angelina Love has fallen? About two years ago she was the centerpiece of the Knockouts Division and there were comments along the lines of “push her like she’s been in WWE, then she’ll be the next big Sable-type success with Playboy and all”. That weird Winter storyline has seriously derailed her and she’s not even on the radar at this point.

Blair: No offense, but I can’t imagine anyone being amazed by this fact. Gail Kim, Mickie James, Tara, Velvet Sky, and that girl with the Goo Goo Dolls song have all been the “centrepiece” of this “division” at one time or another over the years. It doesn’t mean anything. Most of these girls still need to have second jobs, for crying out loud. Being the centrepiece of the Knockout division is like being the highest rated show on PBS.

 

Dan Chupong: Wow, I am sure that Blair A. Douglas not being a fan of TNA wrestling is about as worrisome to Dixie Carter as a cloudy day.

Blair: Actually, given just how much time and effort that Dixie spends trying desperately to get more people to watch TNA, I think she’d be extremely pleased if she had more viewers. Even if they just watched the show so they could bitch about it, numbers are numbers, and more numbers is what Dixie Carter is looking for. TNA wouldn’t use near as many desperation tactics if this wasn’t the case.

 

Dan Chupong: As long as they get 1.4 million people watching their show, they will survive. Sorry, Blair, hate to break the news to you, bub!

Blair: Hey, you sound just like this guy who used to comment on my TNA reca… never mind. Sorry. Anyway, I don’t need TNA to not survive. I just don’t need to watch them, period, just like the other 311 million people in the US who don’t watch TNA. If you’re part of the 0.004% of the country (actual figure) that watches it, then good for you. But let’s not pretend that TNA hasn’t been desperately trying to attract more viewers for years.

You know what else gets 1.4 million viewers per week? Repeats of Suddenly Susan.

You want to know why people watch TNA? Check out the next comment.

 

Owangotang: The most TNA viewing I ever do is scouring Youtube for Velvet Sky ass videos.

Blair: See? Tremendous comment. For your honesty I give you…

 

Owangotang: I’ve tried to sit through the show before but it always just seems like the whole thing could be taking place in an elaborate tent at the local county fair.

Blair: Don’t be absurd. Local county fairs pay their female performers a respectable salary.

 

Owangotang: I’d rather watch Chikara, honestly, if it was on cable. I can’t find it though so screw it, it ain’t worth hunting down.

Blair: Yeah, that’s pretty much the story of Chikara’s life, honestly. Good to watch if it’s in front of you, but not good enough if you have to spend time hunting it down.

 

Owangotang: Also, I remain convinced that Angelina Love is the female Gremlin from Gremlins 2.

Blair:

 

CB: I am very happy that Roode is currently installed as Champ, especially since it’s better than some of the other ex-WWE guys they ran with last year. You know who he could have a good feud with in 2012? Alex Shelley. Now that he’s back, don’t let Shelley waste away against guys like Zema Ion. Instead, let Shelley and Roode go at it, and I think they would do a tremendous job together.

Blair: I didn’t know that Alex Shelley was back until I read this. Shelley is tremendous and I’ve always thought he had breakout potential, like CM Punk. That’s just me though. As for Roode, yeah, he’s a step up from Ken Anderson, Matt Morgan, Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy. But, to me, he’s boring – as a babyface or a heel.

 

CB: 2012 will be Joe’s year, I swear! :)

Blair: Any week now.

 

Margatefam: Hey Eric Young, what’s a retard gimmick?

Blair: A retard gimmick is when you pretend that someone who doesn’t have a mental disability has a mental disability. Some time ago, Eric Young was dropped on his head, and his gimmick was that he was acting like a moron because of it. A good example is how you called me Eric Young for some reason. That’s something that I would expect someone with a mental disability or someone who was pretending to have a mental disability to do. Asking me WHAT a retard gimmick is AFTER doing that also fits very well. And yes, he is still working that gimmick, because he’s been acting this way ever since. Having his disability taken advantage of by Orlando Jordan, dancing on stage to Mickie James’ terrible country music performance, trying to fight “celebrities” – that’s all part of it. Just because the announcers used to call attention to it and now they don’t doesn’t mean anything.

 

Margatefam: Time to lose the word retard. Using it just continues the marginalization of people with disabilities and that’s just all wrong.

Blair: Okay – I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and not assume that you’re just yet another TNA apologist who looks for any reason they can find to complain about an article that doesn’t blindly support TNA. I’ll do you another favor and not assume that you’re just one of those people who surfs myself and Swayze’s articles literally ONLY to find something to complain about. Because those people do exist. Sometimes I’ll even be sent a message telling me who it actually is. Whether that’s the case or not, those people are morons. So, if you were LEGITIMATELY offended by my use of the word retard, and NEITHER of the above is true… then I truly apologize to you or anyone else who was offended by the way I said it.

There.

Now that that’s over with, I have questions.

How is it that you were offended by my use of the word “retard” and NOT my MULTIPLE uses of the word “rape”? Because neither the rape nor the retard in TNA are real. They’re storylines. Stupid, dumb, and depending on how you look at it – possibly offensive – storylines.

More importantly, how is it that you’re offended by my calling the retard storyline what it is – a retard storyline – and not offended by the ACTUAL retard storyline that TNA is doing? Or the rape storylines? Or the sexual harassment storylines? Or the multiple racism storylines? Or the attempted murder storylines? Or by the fact that they named a wrestler “Suicide”? Me personally, I’m not offended by any of those things – I just think that they’re really pathetic, laughably dumb, embarrassing to watch, and incredibly poorly conceived.

But you can’t be mad that I’m calling it what it is and NOT be mad at TNA for running the gimmick in the first place. That’s like taking someone to a bar and getting upset when they have a beer.

I guess I’m just confused at what the line is. Take a look at that Eugene storyline that WWE did some years back. That was pretty painful to watch as well, but from what I understand of it, Eugene’s story was about a guy who had a disability struggling (and succeeding in some cases?) to make it in the WWE. Eric Young’s story is about him getting dropped on his head and now we get to watch and laugh at him while he does wacky stuff. One of those storylines is WAY more offensive than the other. Both pretty painful to watch, but there’s a big difference between the two.

That’s why I call Eric Young’s gimmick what it is. Because that is what TNA is putting in front of me.

 

YOUR HOMEWORK

I’m getting off this TNA topic. TNA sucks. I’m sick of talking about it already, and I’m not even watching the show. How about this week, you leave me some comments on any the following issues instead:

  • Who is going to win the Royal Rumble?
  • Who is going to be in the World Title matches for WrestleMania?
  • What do you see the following people doing at WrestleMania: The Miz, Mark Henry, Shaemus, and Cody Rhodes.
  • What do you think about the Daniel Bryan half-turn?
  • How long until Jeff Hardy disgraces himself and TNA yet again, and how long will it take after that until he’s back in main events?
  • What could Ring Of Honor possibly do to start bringing more viewers to it’s TV show?
  • Why is Wade Barrett such a terrible wrestler and boring person to watch?
Or, if you MUST leave me a comment about this article or something else in TNA, that’s fine too.

Have a good weekend! I’ll be in my trailer.
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That Being Said: 01.13.2012 – TNA And The Year That Was http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/13/interinactivity-01-13-2012-the-band-is-back-together/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/13/interinactivity-01-13-2012-the-band-is-back-together/#comments Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:00:04 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=133936 In case you’ve been on Mars, in a dark cave, with your eyes shut, and your fingers in your ears, you know that we had a major debut here on Inside Pulse this week. FINALLY, months in the making, not only did we drop some sweaty useless disgusting flabby dead weight, but your favorite Inside Pulse personality and mine, FD Swayze, is now officially an Inside Pulse columnist. Not only that, his very first article did not disapoint, and got some great traffic and feedback. If you haven’t seen it, check out The Fist Pump: 5 Ideas To Improve WWE Programming.

Without me, there would be no FD Swayze and no Jack Newbury here to entertain you. I’m not saying that it’s ALL because of me… but it is, and you’re welcome. I guess you can give Swayze and Jack some credit for actually joining the site and writing the excellent pieces in question, but in my humble opinion, I get full credit for this. Again, you’re welcome.

It’s funny that the addition of our newest Pulser comes almost one full year after I myself joined the team here, after moving over from a fun little startup called ThePowerbomb. It’s been a pretty crazy year here. You may remember that I originally joined the site to be the TNA recapper. I actually lasted way longer at that than I originally thought I would after watching only a few episodes. But looking back, it feels like I was doing it for years.

Okay, so technically, NEXT week will be my one year anniversary, but I feel like doing my idea this week, plus TNA is not really all that important. So TNA is not invited to my anniversary. TNA is the neighbour that you don’t invite to your party and you have to keep the noise down so the neighbour doesn’t realize there’s a party going on and that you didn’t invite him so it doesn’t have to be all awkward when you’re both outside watering your plants the next day.

 

This roster is current according to the TNA website, and I do NOT vouch for the accuracy of my information here. What I remember has been pieced together from tramatic jigsaw puzzle pieces of a mind shattered from watching Impact Wrestling, and from what I understand is going down right now.

LET’S CROSS THE MOTHERFUCKING LINE!!!

 

AJ Styles: Perfect place to start. Last year, around the time I started, AJ broke away from being completely lost in the Immortal shuffle and spearheaded his Fortune group’s efforts to take Immortal down. Everyone assumed this would be the start of a major push for AJ Styles, but those people don’t have very reliable memories. AJ was pushed aside from the main spotlight almost immediately, lost a bunch of matches to Bully Ray, yelled at Jeff Hardy, and then engaged in one of the most poorly scripted matches ever conceived against Christopher Daniels. When his Fortune teammate turned over to the dark side, AJ went to bat for James Storm, becoming number one contender. He lost because Roode pulled his tights, and apparently has no rematch clause because TNA hates AJ. Back down the card for him. He wasn’t even on the last PPV.

Abyss: Abyss spent most of last year going between babyface and heel, as well as between Immortal and not-in-Immortal. Abyss is a talented big-man wrestler, who is never going to be a top-picture manistay, but he’s switched sides so much it hurts to think about. He is currently either in Immortal or not in Immortal. There’s no way to tell.

Alex Shelley: My personal favorite TNA dark horse. Shelley is awesome, and his tag-team is awesome. Assuming that tag-team still exists. I don’t know if it does or not anymore, because TNA hired a guy who sucks. This guy proceeded to botch a move that crippled Shelley’s partner for a while, so Shelley has been off the show except for a couple one-0ff appearances.

Anarquia: This is the guy who sucks that crippled Alex Shelley’s partner. He was hired when TNA remembered they released another extremely talented wrestler in Homicide, and decided they couldn’t let Hernandez wrestle on his own without other Mexican people by his side. Because TNA is racist. They probably found him pumping iron in San Quentin or something. He sucks.

Angelina Love: Last year she was the victim of a time-travelling ghost who drugged her and raped her. She decided it was cool though, but then eventually decided it wasn’t cool or something. I don’t know. She looks like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Anthony Neese: I got no fucking idea who this is. He looks like Chris Masters. Is it Chris Masters?

Austin Aries: Another talented wrestler, Aries returned to TNA last year and won the X-Division gauntlet. TNA gave him back his old “Austin Starr”-ish gimmick, because really, fuck doing new things. He’s just gonna stick with that. Aries can usually be counted on for a solid match, which is why TNA has him at the forefront of their luchadore division.

Bobby Roode: Bobby Roode was in a tag-team called Beer Money, and they were doing pretty good. TNA decided to put these guys in the main-event picture, which is a step in the right direction. Roode is not my favorite guy to watch, either in the ring or otherwise, but it’s a lot better than Kurt Angle or Jeff Hardy. At least they’re out of the picture, right? RIGHT?!?!

Brian Kendrick: He’s worthless.

Brooke Tessmacher: She’s a girl in TNA. She might be the one that Bischoff was fucking. I don’t know.

Bully Ray: I know I’m in the minority here, but I’ve enjoyed Ray’s reinvented character a lot. When the Dudley’s broke up in TNA, no one expected anything good, because it had been done before, and both guys’ careers flopped in singles. This is one of the rare exceptions where TNA did something better than WWE did. I never thought I’d say it, but Bully Ray in singles is great. I never thought I would say this either, but he is a guy who I wouldn’t mind seeing as a heel World Champion. It would be a step up from Roode, who is boring. He’s working that Bully gimmick hard, and has always been great on the mic when he’s allowed to go full bore. It’s a topsy-turvy world.

Chris Sabin: Crippled by Anarquia. Here’s something I bet you didn’t know – since they’ve been off because of Sabin’s injury, Motor City Machine Guns have started a Detroit grunge band called The High Crusade. Certainly not anything that anyone expects will do that well, but they’ve got some decent buzz on Facebook going. I’m probably making it sound more impressive than it is, but it’s gotta be better than working for TNA.

Christopher Daniels: Daniels returned to TNA in 2011, which is good, even if he’s misused. A paycheck is a paycheck, and he probably makes more than he did in ROH. It’s tough watching guys like he and AJ be misused, though, which is why I don’t. Anyway, after being dismissed for no reason. He returned to aid Fortune, but was immediately beaten and humiliated multiple times. Then he turned heel and attempted to murder AJ Styles on PPV in the above-mentioned abortion that was their submission match. He also was left off the last PPV.

Christy Hemme: I’m pretty sure she’s just the announcer. The Fuj used to say her name and then say “BOIIIING”, for no reason. That was pretty funny.

Crimson: He really sucks. TNA brought him in last year, and all those lame TNA fans were going “NEXT GOLDBERG” even though live audiences couldn’t even be bothered to get excited about him. TNA took almost a year to realize this, though. They teamed him with some more TNA dead weight that those same lame TNA fans get excited about, Matt Morgan, which, I suppose, cuts the time you would have seen them before in half. Crimson’s 2011 was spent beating up Samoa Joe repeatedly.

The Pope: This guy still works here? Pope is cool I suppose, but I can’t think of a single thing he ever did in 2011 besides try to steal D-Von’s family for some reason, you know, because they’re both black, on TNA’s b-show, which I didn’t even realize existed before that. Eventually, TNA ran out of stuff to do on the main show and tried to feature this. I’m pretty sure Pope lost to young up-and-comer D-Von.

Devon: Nice timing. D-Von is a solid professional, no hope or delusions of promotions. I’ve always thought he was a good big-man worker, agile for his size. Pope tried to steal his family. I don’t know if anyone ever bothered to ask why. It seems like Devon would have kept his kids away from the Impact Zone after Bully Ray almost murdered them a couple times.

Don West: Still? He used to be the announcer. He was then replaced by Drunken Taz. I think he works the merchandise booths at TNA events now. Surprsied he made it onto the roster page.

Doug Williams: A good wrestler who TNA has no idea what to do with. He loses a lot, I think.

Eric Bischoff: Eric Bischoff spent a large part of last year playing The Emperor from Star Wars. He turned Darth Hogan to the dark side of TNA, but then Steve “Stingwalker” Carey brought him back. Then Bischoff brought his kid, who may or may not be his actual kid (I’m not looking it up) to TNA. I think I read that Bischoff is pretty much running things behind the scnenes entirely now at TNA. In the years that he and Hogan have been running it, they have still yet to do anything for the company in terms of ratings or any measureable success.

Eric Young: He’s still playing the retard gimmick that he’s had for over a year. For a while, Orlando Jordan was taking advantage of this by raping him. Rape is unprosecuteable in TNA. But then they fired Orlando Jordan – not for the rape, for being made of glass and a really shitty wrestler. Eric was trying to fight celebrities for a while, which was supposed to be funny, but was emberassing. Although, this involved Scott Baio, because all the kids today know who Scott Baio was. Major coup for TNA there. Good work, Easy E.

Gail Kim: Gail Kim had one of the best wrestling moments all year, but not in TNA. She was in a WWE Diva Battle Royal, when she just decided to leave the ring and see if anyone would notice. No one did. She then talked on Twitter about what she’d done, and even after that, WWE took a couple days to notice. She was fired. She’s in TNA now, because she is still pretending that women wrestlers are treated better in TNA. I think she’s fighting with Mickie or something.

Garrett Bischoff: Eric Bischoff’s kid. I don’t know what the story is here, and I’m not going to string a bunch of bullshit together to make you think that I do. I think his dad was mad at him or something, and somehow Flair got involved. I haven’t seen him, so I don’t know if he sucks or not. But he probably does.

Gunner: Speaking of sucks – this guy is basically the heel version of Crimson. He’s terrible. TNA fans were excited about him too, despite getting no reaction from live crowds and not knowing any moves besides an F5. Gunner has Ric Flair with him now, I guess. It won’t make a difference. I think even the TNA fans have given up on this guy.

Hector Gurererro: He does the spanish announcing.

Hernandez: I’m pretty sure I read that Hernandez doesn’t work for TNA anymore. Again, I know I’m probably the minority here, but I was a Hernandez fan. But, TNA is racist, so I don’t blame him if he doesn’t work there anymore. They left him in Mexico once, then forgot about him. They brought him back, but they fired his partner, Homicide, who is awesome. So they put him with a Spanish loser and two Spanish girls, and they had a stable of racist Mexicans. Because that hasn’t been done before. One of the best TNA matches I ever saw was Hernandez and Homicide against Elix Skipper and Low-Ki – and Hernandez was actually the MVP of that match, which is saying something when you’re in there with wrestlers as good as the other three. He was also really good with Homicide against Daniels and AJ. Yet another guy to add to the list that TNA missed the boat on. But hey, Matt Morgan versus Crimson is good too.

Hulk Hogan: TNA is still paying him, but I guess he’s on the show less now. That’s a good thing, although I’m not sure what they pay him for now. He does publicity for TNA sometimes, which is a good use of his time and talents, because he can’t do much else. Although, during his BFG match against Sting, he actually went off his feet 3 or 4 times. I think everyone was surprised by that. Jokes aside, the crowd went batshit for that match, and even I can say that I was surprised by how good they did with it, given the limitations they were working with.

Jackie Moore: Holy shit. Is this Jaqueline? She works for TNA again? I guess why bother paying someone like Jay Lethan when you can pay just as much for someone who’s most memorable wrestling moment happened when her tit popped out.

James Storm: James Storm was the other half of Beer Money, with Robert Roode. Once again in the minority, I always preferred Storm to Roode. Capable of a good match without having to be in the best of shape, Storm has an appeal to regular people that chiseled wrestlers don’t. I find his ringwork believable. Storm won the World Title this year from Kurt Angle after Roode failed too, then was turned on by Roode. I would have personally kept both of them in a tag-team, but it’s still a step up from Matt Morgan and Jeff Jarrett.

Jeff Hardy: Jeff Hardy was the main heel back when I started recapping TNA, but since then he showed up to a PPV to wrestle Sting while drunk and stoned off his fucking gourd. The match lasted 20 seconds, and Hardy was kicked out of TNA for a while. Then, about 6 months later, he returned and was immediately shotgunned to the top of the card as part of a redemption storyline. TNA has done this redemption shit with Hardy before, and WWE has done it a few times as well. No one seems to have a sense of pattern recognition with this guy. Including fans – when he returned, the very same fans he lets down over and over again just continue to cheer him. It’s all part of a vicious cycle. Jeff also brought Matt to TNA in 2011, and we all know how well that worked out.

Jeremy Borash: He’s a tool.

Jesse Neal: He sucks.

Jesse Sorensen: I don’t know who this is. He might be the jerkoff who showed up for an X-Division match, so they tossed him a football and said “make it work”.

Kazarian: I’ve always been a Kazarian fan, but TNA hates him too. I don’t think he’s on the show right now, but I could be wrong about that.

Kid Kash: I’ve never been a fan of Kid Kash, and always thought he was over-rated, at least until he returned this year. I remember him slapping the shit out of Brian Kendrick or somebody once, that was pretty awesome. Now he basically plays that guy at the bar who asks you what the fuck you’re looking at, takes a swing at you, calls you a fag, and yells at the band to play Journey again.

Kurt Angle: No one really cares about Kurt Angle anymore. And that’s not because he isn’t trying. He drove into a barricade and got a couple DUI’s last year, then went on Twitter and talked some bullshit about that. He also complained about WWE wrestlers using the same moves that he uses, even though he didn’t invent the moves in question. He got upset about Jeff Jarrett stealing his wife, and retaliated by agreeing to lose multiple matches to Jeff. He won a couple in the end, including one in a parking lot that meant that Jeff Jarrett would be deported for a few weeks. He also claimed to be training for the olympics again. As all the adults in the audience are smart enough to know that this isn’t going to happen.

Madison Rayne: I think this is the girl with the bad Goo Goo Dolls cover song who had that Tara girl run over Mickie James with a motorcycle.

Magnus: The British guy who isn’t Doug Williams, and isn’t near as talented as Doug Williams. But he’s more talented than Rob Terry.

Mark Haskins: I got nothing here.

Matt Morgan: This guy’s an asshole. It’s amazing that even TNA still hangs on to him. It would be amazing that they ever hired him in the first place, if they didn’t hire ANYONE who once worked for WWE. But the thing is, Morgan didn’t do ANYTHING in WWE. Not a single thing. They couldn’t wait to get rid of him. TNA, they’ve had him since 2006 or 2007 now. That’s almost 5 years. He’s yet to have a single good match, promo, feud, or… well, anything. They’ve given him several main-event pushes which have led to nothing. Before 2011, Matt had given Hernandez a concussion. In 2011, he became concerned about Jeff Hardy concussing Ken Anderson with a chair, then someone decided that his gimmick would be educating fans and wrestlers about the dangers of concussions. He can’t talk. He can’t wrestle. His finish is some retard big boot thing that Shaemus does that looks awful, and he does these retard standing corner elbows that anyone anywhere could just duck. He never gets a reaction. Matt’s 2011 consisted of beating up Samoa Joe repeatedly.

Mickie James: Her entrance song is “I Love Rock And Roll” set to country music. She’s okay, for a former-WWE girl wrestler, depending who she’s working with. The thing is, this is TNA, so there’s not a lot of talented girls for her to work with aside from Tara and Gail Kim.

Mike Tenay: In 2011, Mike Tenay continued being a company man to the marrow of his bone. For reasons not well explained, in early 2011, TNA decided to put Amazing Red under a mask and call him Sangriento (or something.) Mike Tenay told the audience about Sangriento’s ficticious past, even though everyone knew it was Amazing Red. Lies keep Mike Tenay warm in that broadcast booth while he tries to keep Taz from passing out after too many vodka-and-5-Hour-Energy-Shots.

Ken Anderson: Ken Anderson had a great year. Not so much as a wrestler, but as an example used by me regarding how people like to get behind absolutely ANYONE that WWE pushes, and how this was the case with Andesron when he started. However, he sucks, as is often the case with these guys. He’s Shaemus. He’s Vladamir Kozlov. He’s The Miz. So, he got fired after he pissed off Randy Orton. Last year, Ken Anderson continued to pretend that he was still relevant by yelling a lot. That’s pretty much all I remember. This guy is emberassing to watch. As for what he’s doing right now, I guess he’s been off the show for a month or so? That’s pretty good news. Maybe he got fired.

ODB: She’s irritating and unfunny. She’s like a female Eric Young who probably smells like a cat, but I bet there’s no cat.

Ric Flair: Ric Flair continued to be a pathetic husk of the man he was last year, and I believe there was a warrent out for his arrest at one point. On the plus side, I don’t remember him wrestling very much. Hopefully this continues, and he can continue to try in vain to get young talent over. No, not by wrestling, by managing. And no, not Gunner. I said young TALENT.

Rob Terry: Here’s another guy who I can’t figure out why he’s still around. Swayze told me the reason was because TNA is afraid he’s sue them for some chairshot thing? I don’t know. That’s pretty funny if it’s the case. I don’t know what Rob Terry did in 2011, but I do know that he’s Robbie E’s bouncer now, and being called Robbie T. When Robbie E wants to talk to someone, he has Robbie T “let them in, bro”. Whatever you have to say about these two, that’s pretty awesome.

Rob Van Dam: He’s been phoning it in since he got to TNA. Anyone who says he isn’t is kidding themselves. Interestingly, Rob Van Dam phoning it in pretty much means he’s still on par with the rest of the roster, which is just sad. And I like Rob Van Dam. And really, what’s his motivation? TNA doesn’t care, so why should he? He doesn’t want to work a full schedule, and TNA is where older or ex-WWE wrestlers go to half-ass it without any risk whatsoever of getting fired - look at Jeff Hardy. Van Dam spent the year battling Immortal, I believe. He had a World Title quest and a long feud with Ken Andesron.

Robbie E: A very poor attmept to capitalize on this Jersey Shore thing. TNA had actual people from Jersey Shore come to TNA to kick his ass. That was the extent of his usefulness. However, those attempts generated no value for TNA. So it turns out Robbie is worthless. It’s not for lack of effort, though, this dude puts in some work. So it’s unfortunate that he happens to be terrible.

Rosita: I believe she debuted in TNA last year, to join Hernandez in the Mexicools. I don’t remember who it was, but someone told me in the comments that she was an amazing wrestler. She sucks. Not that it matters, because it’s the Knockout division.

Samoa Joe: 2011 was the start of several huge pushes for Samoa Joe in TNA. That’s what everyone said. They also said that in 2010. And 2009. And 2008. And 2007. Joe continues to be the whipping boy for TNA, but approaches it with a positive attitude, which you have to admire. At one point, Stone Cold Steve Austin took to his Twitter to say that WWE should sign him and give him a huge push. That was pretty cool. But knowing how good he actually is, is just one of the reasons I find watching TNA difficult. I read that he’s teaming with Magnus now – I guess they lost a tournament to Matt Morgan and Crimson. I dobut it was a good match, but you never know – Joe spent most of 2011 losing to Matt Morgan and Crimson, he’s gotta be getting better at it by now.

Sarita: Another member of the Mexicools. She does some lame dance thing that looks almost as bad as Jeff Hardy’s. She suffered from facial paralysis in 2011, yet for some inexplicable reason, continued working? TNA put her under a mask. Amazing.

Scott Steiner: Despite being old, crippled, and never making that much sense to begin with, Scott Steiner continued to steal the best crowd reactions and deliver the best promos all throughout 2011. HE’S WRESTLED A LOT OF COUNTRIES!

Shannon Moore: Jeff Hardy’s Brutus Beefcake. (Credit for that line goes to Wheeler.) Yeah, this kid likes the flippy moves, but he sucks. He’s employed because of Jeff Hardy. I figured that maybe since TNA won’t actually fire Hardy for treating TNA like his own personal opium den, that maybe they’d at least fire this dude. They wouldn’t even do that. At least they didn’t hire Greggory Helms.

So-Cal Val: I’m pretty sure I thought this was Christy Hemme.

Sting: Sting continues to work hard despite being old and broken down. Pretty impressive, but the effort is going into a company that does not deserve it. TNA had Sting go insane last year, and smearape (TM) his facepaint all over people. Insane Sting was pretty emberassing to watch. Swayze said it, but it was like a bad cross between The Joker and Jim Carey. He beat Hogan at BFG and I guess that made Hogan see that he was being an asshole. I had heard that Sting was to be done wrestling after that, but I flipped to Impact and saw him teaming with Jeff Hardy not too long ago.

Tara: Tara continues to elude the cops after trying to kill Mickie James with her motorcycle. She isn’t totally convinced that “because a girl who I don’t like told me to” is going to be a workable alibi.

Taz: He’s drunk. It’s like all the time now. It’s awesome.

Toxxin: I have no idea who this is. I couldn’t even tell if it was a man or a woman or not until I clicked on it. I’m guessing this is TNA’s attempt at some kind of goth girl, even though they already had Daffney, who people actually liked.

Traci Brooks: She’s back? Wow. I looked it up, and I guess she’s the victim of sexual harassment by Eric Bischoff. She, like the countless other rape and attempted murder victims in TNA, can’t do anything about it because the Impact Zone is located in international waters.

Velvet Sky: Velvet Sky was everyone’s “she’s improved so much this year!” figure for the TNA Knockouts in 2011. She’s still very terrible, but she has big tits and the crowd cheered for her a bit, so there you go. Her best friend Angelina was taken by a time-travelling-date-rapist, and Velvet did everything she could to try to get her back. Well, on Thursdays she did. The rest of the week, she had other shit to do and a job at Sunglass Hut to think about. That was her 2011, until she decided “fuck it”, and just left Angelina to figure it out herself.

Willie Urbina: I’m going to go with “he’s in accounting”.

Winter: The most dangerous person in TNA. Do not approach her. You may not even see her, except in a mirror. Sometimes not even then. There’s no way to tell. Her history, origins and motives remain unknown. What we do know is that she’s from the past and likes to drug and rape people. So stay away from her – unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Zema Ion: Exema-whasa? Probably one of the dudes they brought back for the luchadore division. He might be good. Anything’s possible. I’m not looking it up.

 

Wow, that took way longer than I thought it would. Jeff and Karen Angle aren’t on the list. I looked up why, and the explanation is sketchy at best – Sting fired them. So, they’re not gone. They can’t get rid of Jeff Jarrett or his ugly, slutty, annoying wife. Being fired is a minor inconvenience in TNA. Hell, earlier this year, Jarrett was supposed to be deported to Mexico, and off TNA for a while, and he was back within like 6 weeks.

Actually, many people said that the Jeff Jarrett / Kurt Angle feud was the highlight of TNA in 2011. I found this storyline emberassing and annoying. It went from super-serious, to shoot-like, to comedy, to who-fucking-knows. One week it would involve screaming and shoot comments, and the next week it was about who was getting pushed into a giant cake. One week Karen has a bucket of horse shit on her head, and the next week Kurt is trying to murder them with an axe. One week Chyna shows up to help Kurt, and the next week she quits to go back to porn. They had like 10 matches, and there MAY have been one where you could generously describe as half-decent. Because Jeff Jarrett isn’t a very good wrestler.

It seems impossible that given everyone I just described, that it seems like TNA is actually in a BETTER position in 2012 than they were in 2011. But from all signs, they are. Flair, Hogan and Sting apparently don’t wrestle anymore. Bischoff seems to be off the air. Jeff Jarrett and Karen are off the air. A younger guy, despite what you think of him, is on top of the show.

Still lots of problems though. This Jeff Hardy thing seems to be chief among them. They need to get rid of this dude. He’s a major liability. Sadly enough, I’d say get rid of Angle too, before his problems get out of control. Kurt WAS smart enough to say that it’s emberassing how TNA has fumbled over and over again with guys like AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels. 3 of my favorite wrestlers ever, but sadly, it may be too late for them in TNA after all these years of criminal mismanagement. Hopefully I’m wrong, or hopefully they find success somewhere else.

It’s nice that Anderson, Morgan, Crimson and Gunner are down the card, after people realized what has been plainly obvious for a long time now, but they need to take the next step and just get rid of them entirely. This isn’t an economy where I want anyone to lose their jobs, but it’s pretty simple. You can’t deliver any meaningful gain for this company despite being given several chances to do so - then you, motherfucker, are gone. Do it like a band-aid. Tear it all off at once.

And yeah, this Bobby Roode thing. I guess I like Roode, and he had a good story to lead him to the World Title… but he’s not a guy I’m going to tune in to watch specifically, especially not in the main-event. And ESPECIALLY not when his main foil is Jeffery Nero Hardy.

But progress is progress. If history has shown anything, it’s that evolution is basically impossible for TNA. So much like a special needs child graduating kindergarden, you kind of need to pat them on the head, pretend it’s an accomplishment, and keep the fact that EVERYONE passes kindergarden to yourself. Then you wonder how the fuck you’re going to get them through the first grade. And they still had a better year than Ring Of Honor.

 

I’ll be in my trailer.
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Interinactivity 01.06.2012 – Lionsaulting Logic http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/06/interinactivity-01-06-2012/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/01/06/interinactivity-01-06-2012/#comments Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:00:09 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=133547 Man, am I unhappy with the title of the article this week. Look at that thing. Isn’t that terrible? Worse than that, it’s actually the best I could come up with. I enjoy writing articles for this site, but here are 3 things I hate – coming up with titles, coming up with excerpts for the main page (the little sentences that appear under the article title on the headlines), and coming up with intros. Usually I can string a BS title together, and for the excerpts I can usually just put what the article’s about, but they’re still a pain in the ass. But none of them are worse than having to write an intro. This is a wrestling website. Why do I need to write an intro? The answer to that, of course, is that the article can’t just jump right in, it needs something to start the natural flow of the narrative. But speaking for myself, I find them awkward to write, and even more awkward to read. In fact, if you DON’T find them awkward to read, then maybe it’s time you re-examined your relationship with wrestling articles. If you need an intro to someone who isn’t in wrestling talking to you about wrestling, then maybe articles are too much for you. Books too, unless they’re the ones with pictures that you can color in.

Anyway, here goes. Chris Jericho returned to WWE this week in a somewhat unusual fashion. NOT unusually, hilarious results ensued on this very website. Most of these comments are taken from Scott Keith’s Smark RAW Supershow Rant, and my personal favorite writer / recapper on Inside Pulse, Andrew Wheeler’s RAW Judicial Review. Video of Jericho’s return for any who haven’t seen it can be found here.

 

Me personally, I didn’t mind the Jericho thing one bit. It took me a few minutes to realize what was going down, but I actually kind of like that. Rarely can wrestling leave anyone with 10% the sense of pattern recognition of a normal person wondering what’s going on, even for a few minutes. So even though MY confusion was gone by the time Jericho hit the ramp, apparently it wasn’t that obvious for some people. I guess this WWE.com video that they posted cleared it up for mostly everyone. I haven’t seen the video – I don’t need to see it. To me it was pretty obvious what they were doing after the segment was done.

A few years ago, Jericho embarked on a heel turn that was quite well-thought-out. Basically, he said that he could come out and dance around all he wanted, but that in a few years, the fans would still get sick of him. The basis of the heel turn was that wrestling fans are predictable idiots. This return pretty much put the exclamation point on that. Now, he’s going to come out and talk about how everyone who cheered for him was an idiot and must have forgotten the last couple years of his last run. He’s going to talk about how he came out in a goofy jacket and danced around, just like he said he would never do again, and how his return “put one over” on the fans.

Anyway, whether you liked it or not isn’t really the point of this article. I can understand someone not liking it. My point of this article is about how wrestling fans in general can go WAY overboard on their criticism of something, most of the time without really even understanding it. That’s not a blanket statement or anything – certainly there were some people who understood it, and still didn’t like it, and that’s fine. But some people posted some hilarious stuff – on BOTH sides of the argument. Watching the comments go down on this and other websites this week was awesome. It’s like being on the Titanic and being the only person who knows what’s going to happen.

 

Part Uno

Let’s take a look at some of the funny shit that went down on both sides of the argument.

Owangotang: Whoa easy now, if anything the past RAW just proved to me just how right Blair (and Swayze) has been. It was 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.

Blair: Speaking for myself and not Swayze, I think RAW has been better than it was over the last year or so. I wouldn’t call it a great show or anything, but they’re at least trying to run some matches now. I suppose that on the flip side, you could argue that the matches are awful. Yeah, I know that the Kane / Cena thing is retarded. I know that this Wade Barrett guy really sucks. I know that Shaemus is desperately trying to stay / pretend that he ever was relevant. But there’s good things too – people are forgetting that Mark Henry ever had a main event run. All Diva matches are terrible, but at least they’re good for a laugh. Punk has been doing pretty good. Daniel Bryan is trying to carry terrible wrestlers like that gangly loser Cody Rhodes to some decent matches. Triple H hasn’t taken up a lot of time on the show for months now. I get that if you weren’t into the Jericho thing, then this show wouldn’t have had much on it for you, but that Ziggler / Punk match seems to have gone over okay at least. I don’t know, am I being too easy on it? Maybe. I just think that on a show where even small improvements are rare, you should appreciate those small improvements. Again, not saying that it’s been a GREAT show or anything.

Owangotang also assumed Jericho was coked up for some reason, even though Jericho has never had any known drug issues, and said he was taking a RAW sabbatical. To his credit, when he saw the video on WWE.com, he recanted, which, is something else wrestling fans are terrible at doing. So good for that dude.

 

Shamon Of Hedon: And once again Jericho outshines everything the Rock has ever done, pulling the crowd’s string like his own personal puppets, rising, falling, and without ever saying a single word. Suck it DWAYNE. THIS is how you come back to the ‘E.

Blair: Jericho was never half the draw that The Rock was. Sorry. He wasn’t. Not even in the same league. I personally prefer Chris Jericho on the mic and in the ring too, but that statement is laughable. Even Jericho would laugh at you for that one. The Rock is one of the biggest draws that WWE ever had, and now he’s a movie star and drew way more eyes onto WrestleMania than they would have had otherwise. Jericho, a career upper-mid-carder and failed rock star, being back, is not going to do that. A small buyrate and minuscule rating increase, MAYBE, and he’ll likely cut some great promos and have the best match on the card with whoever he works with. And I’m looking forward to seeing that too. But, if you haven’t been paying attention, that’s not what WWE cares about. And even if they did, it still doesn’t put Jericho in the same league as The Rock.

 

MJKobe: LOL Yeah sure….Come back to a half decent face pop, turn the crowd against you, and leave everyone confused! Yeah that paled into comparison to the Rock coming back to one of the biggest pops since…2004….and then setting the WWE on fire by responding to Cena’s diss.

Blair: You’re an idiot.

 

Kramer (to ShamonOfHedon): Wow, how delusional. Everybody seems to get that Jericho was pulling a subtle heel turn, not just you. Of course, you must admit that his pop was a small, small fraction of the Rock’s. You and Blair should make a tag team: Canadian, prone to hate speech and self-aggrandizement, and nary an intelligent point to be made.

Blair: I wouldn’t say his pop was a FRACTION of Rock’s, but certainly it was smaller. Kramer, I was surprised too, to see that on Pulse and other sites, there WERE a ton of people who didn’t get it. Remember that wrestling fans tend not to do so well with subtlety most of the time. They wanted Jericho to come out, clear face or clear heel, hit them on the head and tell them who he was going to feud with and why.

Maybe I should be offended about this comment, but truthfully, I’m not surprised that people would assume that I’d hate it. I tend to laugh at a lot of the shit that wrestling companies do, but wrestling companies do a ton of dumb shit, and I laugh at dumb shit, so it’s a pretty safe bet. A lazy bet to be sure, but a safe one, and still not lazier than calling me Canadian (?) and pretending that making fun of wrestling-fan-strangers on the internet is hate speech. Besides, I didn’t hate this. I wasn’t in love with it or anything, but I thought it was good.

Fun fact: I know exactly who made this comment, and while I’m going to take the high road and not mention who it is, he doesn’t normally go by “Kramer”. I’ll give you six guesses, and the first five don’t count.

 

Zork: I still think Jericho was just playing people on twitter when complaining about people “Stealing his schtick” so to speak. If we’re gonna play that game how many original wrestlers have there actually been since 2000? I’m sure you could go further back than that and point out people like Jericho emulating his favorites too. Plus, a lot of the people he was ripping on he was good friends with so… He’s been playing everyone. Especially with that fit over him not being in the WWE ’12 game.

Blair: Guaranteed that’s what he was doing. Jericho works the internet all the time. During one of his hiatuses from WWE, he posted a picture of himself next to the TNA logo FOR FUN. It was awesome. People went nuts. Then they realized that all that was going on was TNA playing one of Fozzy’s stupid music videos, because even that was something that TNA considered a win. Jericho laughed at the fans and later laughed at TNA.

 

Part Dos

Now for the really fun part.

E. E. Faulk: With all due respect, I think the people who see Jericho’s return as “trolling the smarks” or “awful” are missing a huge point. In my opinion, Jericho’s return is BRILLIANTLY done. I say “is” because last night wasn’t meant to be seen as a stand-alone event that came and went last night. Last time he left, he was a heel. When he turned on the fans, he said that he could have pandered to the fans forever and they still wouldn’t have loved him as much as HBK. He said that, after enough pandering and dancing, about like a puppet for the fans, that people would tire of him, cut his strings and be done with him. That’s when he changed his character to a self-serving, embittered villain. He’s re-establishing ALL of that by proving everything he said right. After so many minutes of posing and preening for the fans, the cheers faded and turned to boos. He knew that he’d be cheered when he came back, so he got his heel heat back by the ultimate demonstration of why he hates the fans and why his hate’s justified. BRILLIANT. A heel who thinks he’s justified is deep. A heel who IS justified is sympathetic. A heel who goes leaps and bounds out of his way to justify his motives, succeeds and proves himself right and the world wrong is excellent storytelling in action. This isn’t just some troll or two-dimensional “delusional” character. This is the first time in a long time that a WWE heel is being characterized as a complex, evolving character who isn’t just being evil for evil’s sake.

E. E. Faulk: Considering how his turn took place (as described above, not as a 2-d “generic villain who uses big words), I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that there’s an actual reason behind his character’s actions. I think it’s more of a stretch to say that a person with no history of drug abuse was simply “coked out of his gourd,” than to say that a person with a history of creativity and thorough characterization is actually being clever and deepening his character. How does my explanation seem outlandish when the past three years (the motivations of his heel turn, his pursuit of better character-work, and his documented vow to not come back unless he found a way to improve on the story he told in his ’08-10 run) all lend themselves to what I said? Even if I’m not spot on, where does any of this talk about drugs, Punk and “he just wore suits and used big words” come from? Call it the writer in me or simple pattern recognition, but I think I’ll need a little more than a lengthy “nuh-uh” and straw man of Jericho’s character.

ShamanOfHedon: Why is that like only me and apparently 3 other people on earth see exactly what Jericho was doing there? Much as I hate agreeing with Sexist Douchenugget Wheeler about anything, he’s exactly right. Did no one else see the smug evil look on Jericho’s face right before he finally went into the back? THIS is why I commented elsewhere that his return blows the Rock’s away. The Rock gets the easy nostalgia cheers by doing his tired cookie cutter sing-along promos. Jericho has the crowd eating out of his hand and cheering or booing as ever he wants them to without ever saying a word. And that whole thing was clearly EXACTLY what he wanted. He proved without a shadow of a doubt the marks are his puppets and will do what HE wants. Jericho’s return was apparently TOO brilliant, since most idiots think he was just coked-out and none of that was part of any plan. Riiiiiight. Vince is REALLY going to let a guy run around the ring screaming for 10 minutes eating up airtime without a plan. I think we know who’s REALLY coked-out here, and it ain’t Jericho.

 

I’m going to go ahead and address both of you as one here. I thought the comments from a lot of the people who didn’t get it were dumb. Not necessarily all of the ones above, but the portion of the IWC who spent all week bitching about it. But this is way dumber.

I feel it necessary to mention one more time here that I enjoy Chris Jericho a lot. But you DO realize that Jericho isn’t making this shit up on his own, right? Nor did he make up the character of a couple years ago. Nor did he come up with this storyline. Maybe he had some input into what happened. Maybe he even came up with some of the lines.

But no one shows up to WWE and just DECIDES what they’re going to do.

 

* Begin simulation. Last Monday, Chris Jericho shows up to the arena and heads to his dressing room. *

CHRIS JERICHO: Man, I’m back! It seems like just yesterday that I…

* Evan Bourne walks in. *

EVAN BOURNE: Hey, Chris! Great to see you!

JERICHO: Who the fuck are you?

EVAN: It’s me! Evan!

JERICHO: Evan? Evan who?

EVAN: Evan Bourne!

JERICHO: Who the fuck is Evan Bourne?

EVAN: I’m Evan Bourne!

JERICHO: … no, I know, but I mean like… who is Evan Bourne?

EVAN: … I… I’m…

JERICHO: … right. Right, sorry. I guess I was just startled to see you in my dressing room. Ethan. I remember.

EVAN: It’s Evan.

JERICHO: No, I don’t think it is.

ETHAN: … so… have you decided what you’re going to do tonight?

JERICHO: Well Ethan, I figure I’m going to go out, do a babyface return, then milk it for way too long, then leave without saying a word. I’m going to smile like an asshole on the way back too, so that people will know what I’m doing. Then I’m going to go to WrestleMania to feud as a heel with CM Punk.

ETHAN: Wow, that’s an awesome idea! But, do you want to run that by Vince or Tripl…

JERICHO: Fuck no! They’ll want to put me against Mark Henry or some other laughable goof that they’ve been pretending belongs in the big picture. I need to work with real stars.

MARK HENRY: I’m in here, you know. I can hear you.

ETHAN: And I think they already have plans for CM Punk for ‘Mania, so maybe you should ask Vin…

JERICHO: SHUT THE FUCK UP ETHAN AND GET ME A PEPSI!!!

HENRY: Yeah, try not to do a backflip off the vending machine while you’re at it.

* Jericho and Henry share a hearty laugh as Evan leaves the room. *

JERICHO: Mark, tell me what else they have on the show tonight. I assume I’m going on last?

HENRY: No, on last they have Cena saving Zack Ryder from being dragged under the ring by Kane.

JERICHO: Fucking seriously?

HENRY: Yes.

JERICHO: Holy shit. Well, go tell Vince that I’m going to do this, and that I’m fighting Punk at ‘Mania.

HENRY: On my way, Chris!

* Henry stands there. *

JERICHO: … what the fuck? Go! Try not to pull your groin while you’re at it.

HENRY: I am going!

JERICHO: You’re just standing there!

HENRY: This is actually as fast as I can move.

JERICHO: Christ.

* End simulation. *

 

Is that how you think it goes? No. Before they even CONSIDER bringing Jericho back, they have a plan for him. Now, Jericho is an older, established guy, so he probably has some say. And he might even have to agree to what they’re asking him to do. But at the end of the day, if he wants the money, he needs to do what they’re telling him. That’s just all there is to it. Maybe he decides specifically what he says, or how he chooses to act this out. But at the end of the day, he needs to make the angle go where WWE wants it to go.

It’s like CM Punk earlier this year. Maybe he said a few things he wasn’t supposed to say, or maybe WWE came up with the whole thing. But even if it was Punk speaking out of turn, he was still steering the angle where WWE told him to steer it. Because that’s his job. And he likes his job, and he likes the money it pays, so he doesn’t want to get fired. It’s not supernatural.

You’re just confused. Chris Jericho gets credit for ACTING OUT what was written. That’s what he gets. And he can have that, because Jericho is good at that stuff. Not just anyone can do what Jericho does. But he didn’t come up with it. And he didn’t decide on whatever it is that he’s doing in WWE now. Yes, he did well with it. But that doesn’t mean he came up with it.

Wrestling is a scripted entertainment show. It’s not like David Duchovny showed up after getting the role on Californication and said “I’ve decided that this show is just going to be me fucking hot sluts all day.” And just because you see a BMW parked outside a Pizza Hut, doesn’t mean that Pizza Hut is a nice restaurant all of a sudden. It just means that there’s a coke dealer in there who wanted a P’Zone.

 

I will leave you with this word on the subject.

Swayze: Really, who cares? The main thing is that Jericho is back. Do you remember what he was doing before he left? The guy was having awesome matches with midcarders on NXT! Who does that?!? The guy is a great wrestler with a wealth of experience, and we will probably get to see some great matches out of him in the near future.

 

Well, that’s it for another thrilling instalment of Interinactivity. Fuck, do I hate that title. Anyway, if that or reading the inane ramblings of wrestling fans wasn’t enough humor for you, I give you this. You’re welcome.

I’ll be in my trailer.
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