Inside Pulse Wrestling » sin cara Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 14:00:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » sin cara Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 15th 2015: Oh, Yeah, It’s Thursdays Now… Fri, 16 Jan 2015 15:59:06 +0000 Well, hello there. It’s the day they moved SmackDown to Thursday and, reliably enough, your humble scribe is reviewing it on Friday. Change is bad, mkay? Actually, this change is good, because I always have Fridays off work, so the reviewing process is now going to be far more relaxed and I can use my Friday nights for mainlining heroin. I actually just found out the correct definition of the word ‘mainlining’ yesterday, due to a Stephen King novel I’m engrossed in. He also taught me the word ‘whoremaster’, which I swear to God I am going to use in this article at least one time.

Anyway, let’s get to smacking stuff down.

First thoughts: I like the new theme music for the show. I’ll probably hate it in a month or two, but it does sound more epic and grandiose than the previous one (no, I don’t know the fucking name of the song). Not-Renee is in the ring and, honestly, if he’s going to be a part of the commentary team, let’s just call him what he is: Byron Saxton. He introduces Daniel Bryan, who makes his way down to the ring. Byron notes that Bryan’s in a good mood, and Bryan says it’s because he’s here to fight. Saxton replays the injuring of Daniel Bryan, and I still can’t believe that we were supposed to accept that Kane was capable of putting anyone on the shelf. If Lesnar had come out and destroyed Bryan, this corner of the internet would have fucking exploded.

Bryan says that nobody knows how dangerous Kane is but him, and I think we all know that he’s a massive pussy, Daniel. Kane apparently traded his mask for a suit, which honestly sounds like some savvy bargaining. No matter what the doctors said, Bryan is here to compete, even if he is nervous, and he’s going to fight Kane and win. He’s winning the Rumble and is going on to WrestleMania. Big ‘Yes’ chant for that, even without anyone prompting it, and then the Authority show up. Oh, so now it’s the first show on Thursday night, I guess we’re worthy of some main characters showing up. And even then, Steph couldn’t be bothered to make it. Kane makes his way down to the ring, accompanied by the Authority, and the Nasally Announcer gets in a bit of snark by referring to each Authority member separately, and then gets in a massive burn by not naming Joey and Jamie. Intentional or not, that was just magnificent.

Drink Every Time You Think Bryan Just Got Paralysed

We come back from the break right into the match as Kane eats a dropkick. Furious strikes to the Big Red Machine, before Kane manages to shut Bryan down for a bit of breathing room, but then Bryan drop-toeholds him into the turnbuckle. Big kick to the face of Kane, and then the former World Champion zeroes in on the leg, hitting it with a running dropkick. The ref gets Bryan to back off, in case Kane starts crying, but that leaves Bryan open to a big uppercut, leaving him laying. He gets thrown into the corner and stomped down. Neckbreaker, which seems like a dick move, Kane, and then a second one. Man, imagine if Bryan got badly injured again? Like, in this match? Also, stop showing Rollins ringside at a Bryan match: don’t tease me like that.

Bryan tries to rally, but runs right into a big boot. Reminder: this guy beat Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista in a single night, and is now having trouble against the guy who’s just above Mercury and Noble level in the Authority. Bryan works his way out of a hold that looks like Kane is slowly trying to snap his neck, and then low-bridges Kane. Dropkick through the ropes to Kane, and Bryan launches himself off the apron, only to get struck in the throat with a big right hand from Kane.

Kane has Bryan in a sleeper when we come back, and then hits his running DDT which, swear to God, is the spazziest-looking thing I’ve ever seen. Big clothesline in the corner, then a side slam and Kane sets up for a superplex. Bryan blocks this, which I assume he’ll do with all moves which might snap his neck, sends Kane to the floor and hits a crossbody. He backflips over Kane from the corner and hits a clothesline. Yes-Kicks to the chest, finishing Kane off with a running kick. He charges at Kane in the corner, gets caught by Kane for a chokeslam, manages to counter it and tries to lock in the Yes-Lock! He manages to get it locked in, and the Mercury and Noble break it up. Are you fucking serious?

Not what I was hoping for, although the blame is on the structure of the match rather than the wrestlers. Way too much Kane offence, considering we were so excited to see Bryan back, and a DQ ending? After nine months of no Bryan matches? The Authority’s like the heel version of Cena: it’s rubbing itself over everything that’s relevant. 2 Stars.

Bryan dropkicks both Mercury and Noble, then knocks Big Show off the apron, then ducks a briefcase shot from Rollins and skedaddles. No! You get back in there and you start an angle with Rollins immediately! The Authority pursue, but slowly in case Bryan kicks one of their fucking faces off, and then Ambrose and Reigns show up beside him, and that was actually pretty badass.

Triple H gets on the microphone, because it’s not an opening segment if that guy doesn’t get to talk for twenty minutes. He makes a six-man tag match, which means Rollins and Bryan will fight each other. Is Triple H a face now, daddy?

Also, I’ve just realised that Jerry Lawler’s commentary hasn’t made me start cutting myself yet. Unexpected. And Randy Savage is going into the Hall of Fame, with Michael even using the word ‘finally’. I still don’t think that the Hall of Fame is going to beat the honour of that Skyrim mod which turns all of the dragons into Randy Savage. I’m not even kidding.

Wow, Savage really does not look in the slightest way sane. Seriously, guys, what were you all doing in the eighties?

Bray Wyatt pops up onscreen and…does he have smoke actually coming off him? Holy shit, is he channelling Blackbeard? Didn’t even hear the words: staring at the smoke. Upon rewatch, it’s him talking about how he’s going to win the Rumble. Ah, this PPV is going to kick so much ass.

Jerry Lawler Cuts Loose

The Usos are here, along with Naomi, for a mixed tag match. You know, I have a problem with this match: the girl can have her opposite number beat down, but doesn’t dare make a tag for any form of actual tag team wrestling because then her opponent gets an automatic out. Plus, if the guys are tag team specialists, like the Usos are, it actually makes sense for them not to tag in the Diva, because goodbye double-team moves.

Michael Cole claims that Byron is a Miz fanboy, which is the kind of shit-slinging we don’t look for in professional wrestling, Michael. Miz gets shot off the ropes, and it’s JERRY LAWLER’S FIRST SHITTY JOKE OF THE EVENING!! FETCH THE RAZOR BLADES AND VODKA!! Yeah, sorry, had to get that off my chest. Chops to Miz in the corner, then Jey comes in off the tag. They’re about to drop a double elbow on Miz, when Mizdow runs in to provide stunt double action. I love how the Usos sort of regard Mizdow as this alright, if slightly odd, guy who just happens to hang around with Miz. Miz gets clotheslined out of the ring, and Jey dives through the ropes onto him. Second shitty Lawler joke, followed by a third: fucking shoot me.

Miz tags in Mizdow, but then Alicia Fox tags herself in, and gets the shit kicked out of her by Naomi. Hurricanrana to Fox; she sends Naomi out onto the apron, but Naomi kicks her in the head and hits a crossbody for a two-count. Naomi tags out, meaning that Miz and Jey come in; Miz takes the Uso down with a big boot. Miz stomps Jey down in the corner, and then fakes tagging in Mizdow before both Jey and Miz knock each other down with clotheslines. Jimmy comes in off the tag, hitting Miz all over the place. Samoan Drop, then a corkscrew moonsault to the Miz. Alicia manages to break up the pin, so Jimmy Uso throws his girlfriend at her. That is literally what he did.

Miz and Jimmy exchange roll-ups, and Miz’s kick-out sends Jimmy into a clothesline from Sandow, which he ducks. Miz throws Sandow into Jimmy’s superkick and hits the Skull-Crushing Finale for the win!

Was that actually correct use of a stunt-double? They’re putting way too much thought into the existence of Sandow and, at the same time, nowhere near enough. Apparently Miz2 is getting a title match at the Rumble; I’ll enjoy it for Mizdow, but I’m looking forward to getting to some other teams now. 2.5 Stars.

Okay, Renee’s new haircut is going to take some getting used to. Because her old hair was perfect and beautiful and why did she do this?! Anyway, she introduces Roman Reigns, and those two still have their sexual tension/loving relationship going on. Oh, and it’s that time of year when every interviewer asks the question ‘you’re in the Royal Rumble, and so’s this guy, so tonight what’s stopping you from ripping off his face and wearing it as a mask AS YOU BURN THE REST OF HIM ON A FIRE MADE OUT OF HIS CHILDHOOD HOME?!’ Reigns makes the traditional response that the Royal Rumble is not tonight, and so he’s going to contain his deepest, darkest, innermost designs like he’s a rational human being. He also states that his motivation is ‘screw over the Authority’, and I love the fact that, compared to everyone else, he’s doing this without much provocation. He winks at Renee before he leaves, so I guess she can make that hairstyle work. Oh, and Vince? That’s what a normal person talking sounds like. Maybe you should stay the fuck away from dialogue.

Paul Heyman shows up, doing an ANGRY STRIDE as we replay Seth Rollins standing tall over both Cena and Lesnar, which was just kind of awesome and glorious. I wish they’d been able to make more of the three factions going on: it’s nice to get two heels with genuinely different motivations in this sort of match.

Paul Heyman does his Game of Thrones-esque list of titles, and admits to being a little afraid. Lesnar is a beast, and does what he does purely for giggles. Literally: Brock Lesnar’s motivation is apparently ‘I had nothing else planned’. I am weirdly okay with that. But now, Lesnar is goddamn furious, and he’s going to destroy Rollins, who then shows up. Seriously: I wish they could stop making this guy run away from stuff, because he does ‘badass’ better than any other heel working right now. Seth is pissed off as well, and he’s tired of everyone feeling like they should be afraid of Lesnar. He’s not afraid of Lesnar, and Paul’s staring at him like Rollins might actually be insane after that statement. Rollins says that he’s cashing in tonight: he wants Lesnar for the title tonight. didyoujust.jpg. Genuine pop for Rollins, but Paul pisses all over what could have been the greatest SmackDown evah, because Lesnar isn’t here. Rollins decides that, in the absence of the Next Big Thing, Heyman is the Next Best Thing, so he’s going to kick his ass instead.

Paul, to his credit, calls Rollins out on being stereotypical, which is both smart and ballsy of the guy. And then laughs at Rollins for thinking that beating up Heyman makes him a tough guy. Rollins corrects him: not ‘tough’, but ‘smart’. Because if he feels like doing something, he’s going to do it. He also calls Heyman Lesnar’s greatest asset, and I feel like Lesnar’s greatest asset is his freakish strength, followed by his unbelievable speed, followed by the fact he can shrug off an Attitude Adjustment like it was nothing, then Paul Heyman. And then Sable, because when has she ever been in his corner for a match? Rollins says that, without Heyman, Brock is all brawn and no brains. Yeah, because Heyman communicates with Lesnar via psychic link during those matches: ‘Hey Brock?’ ‘What’s up, Paul?’ ‘Terrific job so far, truly, and I think it might be an idea to go for another German suplex.’ ‘Really, Paul? I mean…we’ve done fifteen of them so far. I feel like you’re confusing me with Taz again. I wanna do an F-5.’

Okay, I just finished laughing at that image, and Rollins is climbing Paul. Are we giving Rollins a ‘no sense of personal space’ gimmick, because he could definitely make that work. Also, he is genuinely threatening, asking Paul why he shouldn’t Curbstomp him. Heyman points out that the Authority probably won’t be around for very long, whereas Heyman has been getting more and more powerful: this isn’t even his final form! With Lesnar holding the championship, Paul has the greatest bargaining chip ever. Seth looks a little stunned, and Paul just walks the fuck out of there. And I never thought I’d say this about Heyman but, honestly? Like a boss. That whole segment was fan-frigging-tastic.

Paige Is A Better Husband Than Tyson Kidd

Wow, I’d really been prepared for some suck as I heard the Bellas’ music, but Nikki’s facing Natalya with Paige in her corner, who are like the Cesaro and Kidd of the Divas division. Can Paige start dating Cesaro? Can we please have them doing wrestling double dates? Eight-man mixed tag matches, which actually make way more sense than the other variants? I missed part of RAW, but Tyson Kidd cost Paige a victory due to the fact he’s in love with Cena’s girlfriend, which I really hope they make an angle of someday. Paige also slaps Tyson Kidd, which I like to think was less about the match and more about what a terrible, awful, godawful husband he is. The fact that Tyson no-sold the shit out of that slap means that he’s been slapped a lot, and I am happy about that. Byron Saxton tries to defend Tyson Kidd, and no, Byron. No.

They lock up, with Natalya wrenching the arm before Nikki throws her off. Roll-up into a leg-hold by Natalya, but Nikki kicks her off, and hits a tornado armbar from the second rope. Nikki wrenches the arm behind Natalya’s back, and then takes her over with it. She grapevine’s Neidhart’s arm, but Natalya lifts Nikki right the hell off the ground with her arm, and slams her back down.

Natalya’s arm seems to be hurting her pretty badly, but she dodges a charge by Nikki and snapmares her over, running over her back and hitting a running dropkick to the face. She follows that up with a big clothesline, and then goes about setting up the Sharpshooter! Brie gets on the apron, trying to distract Natalya by just holding the belt and screaming: that worked a lot better when AJ and Paige both thought that they were in a relationship with it. The ref and Natalya are distracted, and Paige takes advantage to actually slap Nikki across the chops, and then the Sharpshooter finishes her! Why didn’t Brie try to distract her again?

Well, an interesting storyline for the Divas. And, so far, none of the participants appear to be insane. Apart from Natalya, who’s married to Tyson Kidd. Seems like Paige is going to be like the WWE’s version of Jordan from Scrubs: mean and petty, but entertaining. 2.5 Stars.

Backstage, Renee introduces Big Show, who immediately interrupts her, calls her ‘young lady’ and tells her that she’s not going to ‘take control of this interview’. Misogynist shitlord. Big Show says he knocked out Reigns and Cena on RAW; he’ll knock out everyone tonight and then he’s going to win the Rumble. He asks who can throw him over the top rope, and does he even remember any of the Rumbles he’s been in? Kane shows up and says that he’s in the Rumble as well; Big Show really should have just asked how that changes anything.

Bad News Barrett Was The Intercontinental Title The Whole Time

We come back from commercials at the same moment that Sin Cara throws himself into the ring, which is a great visual. And yep, Firre Workcz let me know that I missed the Barrett/Cara match from last week: I don’t know why, but it wasn’t on the recording that I saw. Still, I apologise for that slipping through the cracks: I’m sure that there were a couple of jokes in that match, other than the two guys competing.

Actually, I like Barrett. Or do I? God, I can’t even remember.

And it was actually a clean win, without even a near-kick-out. Wow. And it seems like they’ve missed off the minor key rendition of ‘God Save Our Queen’ from Barrett’s entrance music in favour of some ominous bass guitar: a good call, now I hear it. Plus, Wade doesn’t make all that much of his nationality, so it’s not like it’s a big loss.

BIG MATCH FEEL announcements, and we’re encouraged to hashtag-tweet ‘IC Title’, which makes it sound like the WWE is remaking The Sixth Sense. Holy shit, I would watch that: Brock Lesnar as Haley Joel Osment, Adam Rose as Bruce Willis, Big Show as that crying naked dude in the bathroom. That would be the greatest movie ever.

Sin Cara immediately busts out some pinning combinations, which is a smart opening. Barrett tries to take control with a punch to the midsection, but Cara kicks him in the head and ascends the top rope, only for Barrett to boot him right in the head. Beatdown begins now, with Barrett then locking in a sleeper. Sin Cara punches his way out, then rolls out of a back suplex and hits a springboard headbutt. Another springboard crossbody for a near-fall, then Wade hits some punches, and manages to send Sin Cara out onto the apron.

Sin Cara tries to go high again, and this time hops over Barrett’s attempted assault, but gets caught with the Winds of Change to get planted hard. Barrett winds up the Bull Hammer, but Sin Cara turns it into a roll-up, and then…a powerbomb?! (Michael Cole’s Remark for Smarks: ‘That’s power you wouldn’t expect out of Sin Cara!’) He plants Wade Barrett in front of the turnbuckle, and then climbs up, but the Senton misses, and so does Barrett’s planned Bull Hammer! Sin Cara springboards off the ropes again…right into a Bull Hammer! Count to a hundred, and that’s the match.

Great match, out of two guys I wasn’t expecting one from. Hell, I’d be happy to see more of Sin Cara against opponents like Kidd, Cesaro, even Rollins. Barrett wasn’t dominant the whole way through, but still looked good. 3 Stars.

WWE announces the WWE Network, and acts like we should be grateful after the months and months of stalling. No dice, you tardy motherfuckers.

Hey, Dean Ambrose is the Shield’s/the Wyatts’/CM Punk’s/Daniel Bryan’s ‘unknown location’ hangout. Man, that place must be lonely now. He says that he was basically an awful child to try and raise, and that apparently translates into being a good wrestler. Man, explains why wrestling training and I didn’t go all that well. That and the fact that ‘come in the ring the hard way, reverse the Irish whip and hit a hip toss’ doesn’t sound very clear in the Geordie dialect. Basically, Ambrose is going to win the Royal Rumble: I’d say ‘spoiler alert’, but…it’s probably not.

And Nobody Got Thrown Over The Top Rope Forebodingly

Main event time, and the heels come out first. Michael calls them a ‘pretty formidable team’, despite the fact that the team includes Big Show and Kane. Man, Rollins’, Ambrose’s and Reigns’ theme musics sound so similar. It’s like Les Miserables, which is like the same four tunes over and over, making it the John Cena of musicals.

It’s go time, and Rollins starts things off by pounding Ambrose in the corner, but Ambrose turns things around, returning the favour and slamming his head off the turnbuckle before hitting a chop. Snapmare and an elbow drop to Rollins, then a neckbreaker. Ambrose hits a big kick to the stomach, and then tags in Reigns as they wrench Seth’s legs apart. Big clothesline to Rollins in the corner, then another snapmare. Roman stares down the Big Show before hitting a delayed vertical suplex, and then starts working over Seth’s arm. He locks Rollins in a facelock, then sends him off the ropes, only for Rollins to hit a kick to the face in desperation, tagging in Kane.

Kane puts a headlock on Roman, then is shot off the ropes and hits a big shoulder block to knock Reigns down. Another headlock applied to Reigns, and he back-suplexes Kane. Kane is still going strong, but a leaping clothesline from Reigns and an uppercut takes the wind out of the Big Red Machine’s sails. Bryan gets the tag, and kicks Kane for ages in the corner, and then hits European uppercuts in another, but Kane takes him down with a huge uppercut and sends him through the ropes. Cruiserweight Security hovers, but Ambrose and Reigns rock up to back them off. Rollins and Big Show join them, and we’ve got a brawl! Reigns, Bryan and Ambrose end up in the ring as we go to break.

Back from the commercials, and Bryan and Rollins are going at it…and then Ambrose immediately tags in: goddamn it. Dean locks Seth up in the ropes and hits a running dropkick before beating him down in the corner. Rollins reverses an Irish whip, only to run right into a boot. Ambrose looks like he’s going for a moonsault, but Rollins interrupts him, and Dean ends up in the Tree of Woe. Seth hits a stomp, and then tags in Big Show. Big punch to Ambrose, and then Show picks Dean up by the leg, hanging him up, before tagging Rollins in. As Seth has the ref distracted, Big Show hits some chops. Rollins applies a chinlock, keeping Dean Ambrose grounded, but Dean struggles up to his feet. Seth cuts him off, putting him back in the Authority corner, tagging in the Big Show to crush Ambrose in the corner.

Bodyslam and a big elbow to Ambrose from the Big Show. Ambrose ducks a chop, hitting strikes to Big Show in the corner, but Show slams a headbutt into Dean’s face, and then goes right back after the knee. He’s literally bearhugging the guy’s knee; I have never seen anyone do that before. Kane comes in from the tag, also taking it to the knee. Man, everyone’s so focused tonight. Suplex by Kane, and he drags Ambrose back to the corner, tagging in Rollins. Seth talks some trash, gets slapped, and then superkicks Ambrose. Kane back in; he takes a kick to the face, uppercuts Ambrose and Dean rebounds to clothesline him! Hope spot, but Rollins shuts Ambrose down, only for Dean to throw him right over the top rope! Cruiserweight Security distracts the referee, allowing Big Show to take Ambrose down at the knee, but Reigns hits a Superman Punch to Big Show on the outside! Rollins hits a dropkick to Reigns, catches up with Ambrose, but Dean makes the tag to Bryan!

Bryan immediately takes Kane off the apron with a dropkick, backflips over Rollins and flies out of the ring at Kane again! He hangs Rollins up on the ropes, then hits a missile dropkick to him, and then a hurricanrana! Rollins manages to hit kick to the head, and Kane comes in for the chokeslam! Reigns basically flies from one side of the ring to the other, interrupting the pin halfway along, and then leaps through the ropes to the outside, getting superkicked by the Big Show when he lands: watch the match for that moment only; that was freaking awesome. Big Show tries to undress the announce table (we should all start using that expression from now on), but Reigns spears him over it!

In the ring, Bryan tries to lock the Yes Lock onto Kane, and does so! Rollins breaks it up, and gets dropkicked by Ambrose, who takes out Cruiserweight Security, and Rollins, and dives out onto all of them! Kane wants a tombstone, but Bryan slips out, hits the CenaSlayer and gets the pin!

Okay, the first match makes sense if they were saving Bryan’s best stuff for this one. Everything about this ruled, with even Big Show bringing out offence I’ve never seen before. Consider me well and truly psyched for the Rumble. 4 Stars.

As Bryan celebrates, Triple H’s music hits. Well, we’ve got about one minute left, so he’d better make this snappy. Hunter says he got lucky tonight, but his luck’s going to run out. Next week, Kane has a match with Bryan, with Bryan’s spot in the Rumble on the line. Hah, yeah, because they want a repeat of last year’s Royal Rumble. Who would they even put in as the number 30 entrant?

This show was really well done. The first match had a great excuse, and everything else just worked well for me. I like how, even though Rollins and Cena are titling at this time, there are a bunch of guys who could potentially beat them who aren’t in a position to, like Ambrose, Reigns, Bryan, etc. There’s actually a good roster right now, and this show reflected that. Nine.

David’s Movie Recommendation: I finally ended up watching Saving Mr Banks a couple of nights ago. Now, I love Mary Poppins like nothing else, and I really didn’t want to see a movie which brought up a load of bad stuff about it, because that film is my childhood. But even with the background of it, and the fact that you have to wonder whether Disney was going out of their way to settle a score with the deceased Travers, it was a great movie. Colin Farrell plays an alcoholic in it, which is meant to be sad, but is sort of weirdly excellent.

Oh, and a final note, if you’re still with me. I am going to be away on a personal errand over a lot of next week, and would be really grateful if someone would be able to cover next week’s show; I’ve also put a note on the Facebook page. If you agree, I will be in your debt until I hurriedly pay it off (because I’m always afraid people are going to ask for a kidney if I leave it outstanding), and would be able to send you an email with all of the links and information I use. This would really be helping me out, and would be tres appreciated.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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2014’s “Future Endeavors” Video Sat, 03 Jan 2015 01:17:28 +0000
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WWE Superstars Tapings Results 12/04/2014 [Spoilers] Tue, 02 Dec 2014 16:53:25 +0000 WWE taped two matches to air on WWE Superstars at the Raw taping last night.

Paige vs. Emma
Winner: Paige

Sin Cara vs. Curtis Axel
Winner: Sin Cara

WWE Superstars airs on WWE Network and in international markets.topstory120x120-×120.png|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for November 14th 2014: Ryback Rules Sat, 15 Nov 2014 22:04:09 +0000 Happy Friday, folks. It’s Friday night, which means (for a few more months, at least) it’s time to write up the SmackDown Report. And is it odd that all I want is more Adam Rose and Tyson Kidd antics? That was my favourite part of last week’s episode, but then it’s possible I’m the tiniest bit of a sociopath.

We begin by recapping the Liverpool-based RAW from Monday, with Ryback being too cool for all y’all. His badass points which, I’ll freely admit, I’d thought gone forever, have definitely been regained. And can we just all talk about what an awful employee Kane is? How many times now has he screwed up what he was supposed to be doing, or failed to keep his cool? And they give away a slot on the Authority team to this guy? I’d actually be happy if they brought back Jamie Noble for some cruiserweight shenanigans. Oh, and Luke Harper apparently disdains doorbells in favour of throwing midcard champs into rooms instead: the fuck kind of etiquette did Chez Wyatt have?

We’re still in Liverpool, which is some piss-poor progress through these sceptred isles. And the German announce team is here, bound to fall victim to some icy British politeness at some point this evening. Jericho’s music hits, and it’s never even a surprise when he shows up anymore. Admittedly, the Highlight Reel layout was set up, so there was a clue this time. Jericho manages to get back-to-back chants for the Bunny and Funaki, then introduces the Authority. Lot of hate for these two as they make their way to the ring. And I’ve read and watched too much Mafia literature and media, but it really does seem like this would be the perfect time for Team Cena to quickly strike and hospitalise these two ahead of Survivor Series.

Jericho asks them why they wanted to be on the Highlight Reel, and Stephanie can’t help herself from being a bitch, as usual. She says she wants to give people what they want, and then makes the claim that we ‘respect’ the superstars and divas. Um…moving on… Steph says they’re being made to fight for what they believe in, and asks where Superman would be without Lex Luthor. Well…there’d be a few more people on earth, I imagine. Less horrible stuff would have happened. I don’t know if Luthor’s still the president, but that situation might be a little better. I mean…I’ve read The Dark Knight Strikes Again, and it seems to me that the entire Justice League would have done pretty well minus Lex Luthor. Honestly? Fuck Lex Luthor. Steph asks who could run the WWE except the Authority, and personally I’d like to see what Paul Heyman could do with that kind of budget, roster and technology; I’d much prefer it to Cena’s idea that the WWE Universe being in control. I mean…it really does seem like if Team Cena wins, we’ve sort of automatically been behind a coup d’état. Jericho’s idea of how the WWE runs appears to extend to exactly who licks boots (literally, not figuratively), cleans toilets and gets thrown into pools of mud, which indicates that he is not someone we want in our government once we take the helm.

Finally Trips gets mad that we’re all watching his wife getting covered in mud on a big screen. To be honest, I’d be a little annoyed as well. He says the Authority doesn’t need anyone’s acceptance, and that Team Authority is going to tear through Team Cena. According to my girlfriend, whose university course is currently teaching her how to perpetuate a genocide (and I really wish I was joking or stretching the truth there), this is the absolute worst way for the Authority to remain in control. What Adam Rose is doing, conversely, is spot on. That’s right: Adam Rose honestly is the most likely WWE Superstar to perpetuate a successful genocide. Jericho mocks the Authority with the time-honoured song ‘Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na­ Hey Hey Goodbye’ as they leave the ring.

Michael Cole says he likes the WWE by democracy, and careful, Cole. Democracy is next to People Power…cracy. He says he might get a raise if the WWE fans are in charge, and if we do gain control of the WWE State, comrades, I will ensure permanent detention for anyone who suggests that Michael Cole gets paid more money. Following the WWE Universe’s rise to power, Michael Cole will be first up against the wall.

I Think We’re All Realising Just How Much Emotional Support Ambrose Was Receiving From Reigns And Rollins

Here’s Bray Wyatt, to an oddly negative perception. Apparently his new form of evil is laughing about parental abandonment. I mean…dickish, sure, but evil? He’s up against Sin Cara, and uppercuts him right in the mask. Headbutt and a hard-looking clothesline. Cara gets thrown into the corner, but boots Bray in the face and hits a springboard crossbody. Kick to the head sends Bray reeling; Wyatt ducks a senton from the top rope and cannons right into Sin Cara. Cara’s sent into the corner, and is squashed by Bray, who the suplex-tosses him and does his spiderwalk (Sin Cara was barely conscious and didn’t react, so totally acceptable). Sister Abigail ends it.

Decent. Sin Cara’s offence was pretty gutsy; Bray was still definitely dominant and the spiderwalk wasn’t an invitation to get punted in the dick. 2.5 Stars.

Post-match, Wyatt gets on the microphone and plays councillor. Apparently Dean Ambrose received darkness for Christmas, which is a cool-sounding present. He keeps yelling ‘let me fix you, Dean’, and apparently Ambrose doesn’t care for the implication that he needs to be spayed and/or neutered, and approaches the ring. Brya slips out of the ring, and actually continues to mock Ambrose: that’s relatively new. He yells that Dean is predictable, because he reacts to being taunted like most other superstars. And…holy shit, he actually got into the ring with Dean, who slugs him. Bray ducks out again, and walks away, still on the microphone. Loving this whole thing.

Doubleplus Rosebud

Here’s the Dust Brothers, our tag team champions. And facing them…oh fuck yes, it’s my favourite autocratic dictator and the Bunny version of Winston Smith. Apparently on Main Event, the Bunny proved his loyalty and belief to the Rosebud State by distracting Stardust and allowing Rose to pick up the win. Because it’s not enough in a police state to be passive: one must actively work for the betterment of the state. Seriously, this is accidentally a study in dystopian politics.

Rose locks up with Goldust, who runs the ropes before getting hip-tossed. Rose doesn’t tag in the Bunny when asked, and Goldust takes control, tagging in Stardust, who hits hard and fast before tagging out again. Tag Team Champs on the offence right now, but Rose punches his way out of a headlock; he runs the ropes until he and Goldust run into each other.

Stardust and the Bunny tag in, and the Bunny kicks the hell out of Stardust. Rose wants the tag, but the Bunny goes up top, only to be distracted by Adam Rose’s tag-wanting. He eventually dives onto Stardust, who manages to get his knees up and hit…whatever we’re calling that finisher. Adam Rose could not give less of a shit as the Bunny gets pinned.

Very glad we didn’t feed the Champs to this storyline, as much as I love the thing itself. Also nice to see Rose actually wrestle on one of these shows as opposed to just dancing with his drug-induced spirit animals. 2 Stars.

Oh shit, I think the Bunny’s going to Room 101. Although as I’ve decided that this is more of a Brave New World thing, I think that means he gets sent to a colony full of people also unable to adjust to Adam Rose’s Rosebud State. Or has an orgy and hangs himself, possibly. Actually, he just gets Party Foul’d by Adam Rose, and 1984 would be a way better book if Room 101 had just contained Adam Rose.

The Rosebuds are dancing again, because they want to disassociate themselves from the Bunny and show their loyalty and fervour for the Rosebud State. JBL denounces the Bunny as a ‘bad egg’, because Adam Rose owns the media. Does writing this make me a revolutionary?

Dolph Ziggler is backstage with Not-Renee, and they look back at the really shitty month that our Intercontinental Champ has had, although that includes moments of him slamming a cage door against Kane’s skull. And Stephanie McMahon’s very-badly-acted ‘surprised’ emotion. Not-Renee asks about him having to defend the title in a Triple-Threat Elimination match tonight against Cesaro and Tyson Kidd, somehow without using the phrase ‘fucking awesome’. Ziggler is quite serious, stating that whatever happens, he’s staying on Team Cena; the clock is ticking for the Authority.

Ryback promo, skipping over his more interesting tweets. And Not-Renee is busy tonight, now asking Ryback if he’s on Team Cena. Ryback says he’s only on Team Ryback; whatever, Treebeard. He keeps chuckling after every sentence, which is already pissing me off. But hell if the guy doesn’t come across as a badass, and that’s what’s really important.

How Is This The Authority Being Evil?

Poor Tyson Kidd gets a jobber’s entrance to go along with his shitty marriage. Cesaro and Ziggler show up, and I’m still charmed by Dolph wearing the belt backwards. This should be an excellent match, considering the elements, and I almost wish I was less drunk (just got back from a family party; nobody doesn’t drink at our family parties). Whiney McNasal announces everyone once they’re in the ring: BIG MATCH FEEL. I don’t know if it’s the beard or the gains, but Cesaro looks hella pumped, brah. My guess, right now, is Tyson Kidd is our first elimination.

As I type that, Cesaro and Ziggler shove Kidd away for daring to interrupt their stare-down, and Cesaro boots Ziggler and throws Kidd. Stomp to Ziggler’s back; Kidd kicks Cesaro and rolls up Ziggler for two. Backslide to Kidd, and everyone trades pinning combinations and do you know how difficult this is to cover? Cesaro clotheslines Kidd; Ziggler dropkicks Cesaro and drops the elbow to Kidd.

Back from the break, Ziggler and Kidd try to suplex Cesaro, who suplexes them right the fuck back. Double underhook powerbomb to Ziggler, followed up by the springboard elbow from Kidd, before he gets gutwrenched by Cesaro for two. Cesaro charges at Ziggler, who dodges (sending Cesaro to blast the turnbuckle) and Fameassers Kidd for two. Ziggler gets crotched onto the top rope by Cesaro, who follows him up and tries for a back superplex. Dolph fights him back down; Tyson hits a dropkick to Cesaro’s back, prompting Dolph to fall into a Tree of Woe and eat another dropkick to the face. T-Bone suplex to Kidd from Cesaro, then an uppercut in the corner for two. Ziggler crossbodies Cesaro from the top, then hits stinger splashes to both men, then a neckbreaker/DDT to both simultaneously!

Tyson is sent off the ropes, but comes back with a spinning neckbreaker for two. He heads up high, but eats an uppercut whilst up there. Superplex attempt by Cesaro, but Ziggler joins him, and…okay, Kidd sunset-flip-powerbombed Cesaro, who superplexed Ziggler. Holy fuck. Tyson locks in the Sharpshooter! Cesaro actually tries to pin Dolph whilst in the hold for two! Cesaro kicks Kidd right out of the ring, then uppercuts Dolph! Kidd springboards at Cesaro, who somehow turns that into a backbreaker for two!

Back from the break, Cesaro drops an elbow to Ziggler, then takes a diving neckbreaker from Kidd, and Ziggler raises the knees into Cesaro’s back. Kidd locks the Sharpshooter in on Dolph, and then Cesaro adds the crossbreaker; Kidd then tries to apply the Sharpshooter to Cesaro, who reverses that into the Cesaro Swing! DDT to a dizzy Cesaro for two! Third ‘This Is Awesome’ chant of the match! Fameasser reversed; he gets thrown into a kick from Kidd, then eats a German suplex for two! Cesaro knocks Tyson to the floor, measures Ziggler, tries to uppercut him, takes the Zig-Zag! Kidd throws Dolph out of the ring and gets the pin!

Kidd celebrates, and then focuses on Ziggler. Baseball slide into headscissors, sending Dolph into the steps. Ziggler’s thrown into the barricade, then Tyson kicks him right in the face for two. Kidd chokes Dolph on the ropes and tries to hit a leg-drop, only to get rolled up for two. Fisherman’s suplex reversed; Zig-Zag countered; spinning neckbreaker hits for two! Fourth ‘This Is Awesome’ chant, in one match. Springboard from Kidd, right into a superkick, for two! Kick to Dolph’s head, and locks in the Sharpshooter again; Ziggler rolls through: Zig-Zag and the three!

Five Stars. No Doubt. Five Stars. Holy shit.

Tense Dinner Conversation In The Kidd Household Tonight

Looks like Natalya and Tyson have their separate interests as a couple. Well…both interests are ‘wrestling’, but they do it separately. And Nat will be facing Layla, the hometown girl seeing as how Paige isn’t here. Nat wrenches Layla’s arm; Layla reverses it and Natalya rolls through; Layla gets a nice pin, but nearly gets put in the Sharpshooter. Punch right to Natalya’s face, and she pays it back. Layla runs into a back elbow, but then immediately kicks Nat in the face to knock her out of the ring. Natalya isn’t moving until the last second: just enough time for me to worry that something went wrong, but does get back into the ring.

Layla scissors Natalya’s neck, then her stomach. Front facelock with the legs wrapped around the stomach, but Natalya powers up, only for Layla to slam the back of her head off the mat. Natalya catches a kick and slams Layla, hitting a kick of her own to the face; Layla kicks her out of the ring again. Natalya takes this as an opportunity to slap Summer Rae and to throw Layla into her before getting Layla back into the ring. She takes a kick, but powers straight through into the Sharpshooter for the win.

Decent and hard-hitting match; Layla has been impressive in the ring lately, particularly the pin attempt in the opening moments. 2.5 Stars.

Backstage, Not-Renee is having a busy night indeed, as he runs into Dean Ambrose; Ambrose says that Wyatt’s playing games, and then Bray’s right there, this new game apparently called ‘beat the shit out of Dean Ambrose’. He Sister Abigails him against the wall and skedaddles. What a card.

Feed Him More

Here’s Kane, about to get eaten alive by Ryback. The Authority is right there with him, and shake hands with the commentators for some reason. I’d actually be pretty happy if Ryback didn’t get involved in the Survivor Series match, and this was his way of telling everyone to leave him alone.

Kane and Ryback lock up, and Ryback forces Kane back; Kane twists Ryback around into the corner, then headlocks him. Ryback breaks out of that, and levels Kane. Ryback goes on the attack, but eats an uppercut and reels enough for Kane to gain the advantage. Clothesline in the corner, but Ryback pays Kane back in kind. Michael is bitching about the Authority, and I really want Trips and Steph to turn to him and say ‘you do know we can hear you, right?’

Suplex attempt from Kane, and Ryback reverses with a suplex of his own, clotheslining Kane out of the ring. Thesz Press to Kane, then a Warrior Splash. Ryback tries to go for the Meathook, but Kane cuts him off with the big boot.

Bodyslam by Kane for two, then an uppercut. Apparently Steph actually asked Michael why he’s being so negative, so they can hear him. Ryback’s thrown hard into the corner, then takes a boot to the face again. Kane tries to choke Ryback, who turns that into a slam, but Kane then reverses the Warrior Splash, getting his boots up. He hits a dropkick to the downed Ryback, still in control. Kane runs into an elbow, and Ryback builds momentum now, hitting a shoulder tackle. Splash from the second rope to Kane; Kane tries a chokeslam and Ryback hits a spinning bodyslam like it was nothing. This time the Meathook connects, flooring Kane hard; Ryback wants to finish it, but Kane slides out of Shellshock.

Ryback clotheslines Kane out of the ring, but the Big Red Machine drags him out there with him, driving him back-first into the apron and then hurling him into the steel post. Kane then picks up a steel chair, which just means he knows, deep-down, he’s a fucking pussy. Steel chair to the ribs gets the DQ.

How many matches has Kane ended in disqualification: either his own, or other people’s? With the possible exception of Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury, he’s the least-threatening member of the Authority; he is definitely the bitch of the five-man team.

Chair assault continues on the outside as the Authority applauds, and then carries on in the ring. Triple H calls Kane over to give him some instruction, which is most likely: ‘hit him with the chair again, Kane! Multiple times!’, so seems unnecessary. Ryback spinebusters Kane, making Trips the wrestling equivalent of a micromanager. Instead of even bothering to hit Shellshock, Ryback just fucks Kane over with the chair, like a boss. He stares down Hunter, daring The Game to get in the ring so he can tear his quad out and feast upon it. Triple H looks him dead in the eye, and that closes the show.

I liked this week. The triple-threat match alone was perfection, and there was plenty else to enjoy. Ryback seems to have picked up where he never should have left off, and I just pray they can keep him away from Cena this time. Nice Divas match too; good show scores nine.

I couldn’t resist writing this; I’m far too invested in this Adam Rose thing for my own good. Well, for better or worse, here it is:

‘You asked me once,’ said O’Brien, ‘what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.’

The door opened again. A guard came in, leading another person into the room behind him. Because of the position in which O’Brien was standing, Winston could not see who this new arrival was.

‘The worst thing in the world,’ said O’Brien, ‘varies from individual to individual. It may be burial alive, or death by fire, or by drowning, or by impalement, or fifty other deaths. There are cases where it is some quite trivial thing, not even fatal.’

He had moved a little to one side, so that Winston had a better view of the figure that had joined them. He was a tall, muscular man, with long, brown hair falling about his shoulders. He wore no shirt, even though the room itself was, to Winston, bitterly cold, but what was truly unusual about the man was his eyes. Although they were three or four metres away from him, Winston could see the wideness of them; the jittering movement. The fevered stare and fixed grin of a man in the grip of some potent hallucinogenic. He spread his arms out wide, gazing wildly at Winston.

‘Don’t be a lemon,’ he intoned, his grin widening. ‘Be a rosebud.’

‘In your case,’ said O’Brien, as if the man had not spoken, ‘the worst thing in the world happens to be Adam Rose.’

David’s Movie Recommendation: Gangster No.1 is a strange, almost over-simplistic movie. You keep waiting for the twist to happen before realising that there never was one. Maybe it’s the brutal realism that appeals to me, or the fact that Paul Bettany playing a fucking psychopath is hellishly good value for money. Plus, the entire thing’s narrated by Malcolm McDowell, and could actually be a sequel for A Clockwork Orange if you think too much about it. Give it a go.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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CB’s Slant: 10 Thoughts on NXT Takeover: Fatal Four Way Thursday 09.11.2014 Sat, 13 Sep 2014 20:29:32 +0000 Here are my own 10 Thoughts on NXT Takeover: Fatal Four Way, which aired live on the WWE Network (which you can get for only $9.99!) on Thursday 9/11/14:

1. The Ascension losing their tag titles to The Lucha Dragons (Kalisto & Sin Cara) was not a surprise considering they are about to be called up to WWE full-time, so this match wound up coming up a little flat for me. I am not sold on The Ascension becoming sensations after being called up to WWE, but at least it gives The Usos new opponents to work with (though I could watch The Usos vs. The Wyatts for a full year straight and not get sick of them because they match up extremely well and have great in-ring chemistry).

2. I honestly think that Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady have a chance to become something really special whenever they get called up to WWE. While I am not saying they will end up being at their level, I do see a little bit of the HBK and Diesel dynamic at play with Enzo and Big Cass, and I also think Amore has tons of charisma. I love everything about his ring entrance, the way he sells the words he speaks (BADA BOOM, REALEST GUYS IN THE ROOM!), and of course, they have the hottest catchphrase in NXT right now. If you don’t get it, then you are S-A-W-F-T SAWWWWWWWFT! As Enzo Amore would say, you can’t teach that, and I think he and Big Cass can be huge breakout stars.

3. As for the Hair vs. Hair match itself, I thought it was a little underwhelming to see Sylvester Lefort escape the HAIR REMOVAL BUCKET OF DOOM, but at least the Marcus Louis visual was pretty funny when they got around to showing his mostly BAWLD head.

4. The crowd was absolutely INSANE for KENTA when he came out, and of course WWE had to take all of that great organic reaction and name recognition and turn it into another awful NXT renaming. Gone is KENTA, and here comes Hideo Itami, fine.

5. As for the segment with KENTA/Itami and The Ascension, it was a little bizarre to me to see the most dominant tag team in NXT history get punked out in this spot. I am sure someone else who is a singles wrestler could have been used instead, and I would have preferred that. I did like that the crowd chanted KENTA afterwards instead of HIDEO ITAMI, so hopefully they keep that up.

6. I like both Mojo Rawley and Bull Dempsey, but it made sense for Bull to destroy Mojo here since they are building him up as an intimidating throwback brawler. Rawley can always pull a John Cena like rebound and say he wants a rematch, after all, he doesn’t get hyped, he STAYS HYPED!

7. The Women’s Championship between Bayley and Charlotte was good, but it was nowhere near the level of Charlotte’s match with Natalya last time around. Bayley plays the underdog well and there was really nothing wrong with how they laid out the match, but I think it lacked a little intrigue. Throwing Sasha Banks into the mix and making this a Triple Threat scenario is a solid idea moving forward, so at least that’s something to look forward to.

8. Tyson Kidd was outstanding in the main event. FACT.

9. I really thought Tyler Breeze was going to steal the win when he had that second opportunistic moment that would have been a perfect crescendo for a Breeze victory.

10. With points 8 and 9 said, the Sami Zayn-Adrian Neville dynamic was absolutely palpable at the end of the match, and I LOVED the finish. Everyone thought Sami Zayn was going to win the NXT Championship after that Helluva Kick to Tyson Kidd, and when Neville pulled the referee out of the ring, I thought it was a brilliant move. After all, don’t we all REALLY want to see a Zayn-Neville one-on-one title match? I sure do.


11. Overall, this was a good show with a GREAT ****1/2 main event match.

12. Renee Young, Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton did a very solid job on commentary. One day, I hope Renee Young is the voice of Raw.

13. NXT is quickly becoming must-watch programming, even more so that Monday Night Raw. I also highly recommend the Monday Night War series on WWE Network, which has been outstanding.

14. No Vaudevillains on the show? Boooooo!

That’s all from me — CB.topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

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WWE Superstars Match Results For 09/04/2014 (Spoilers) Tue, 02 Sep 2014 09:54:21 +0000 These matches were taped at the WWE Monday Night Raw show in Des Moines, IA. They will air on WWE Superstars this week, which debuts on Thursday September 4, 2014 on WWE Network.

Alicia Fox vs. Emma
Winner: Alicia Fox
Neither Diva got much of a reaction during the match.

Sin Cara defeated Justin Gabriel
Winner: Sin Cara
Cara played more of the face in the match, and got a win from the top rope with a Swanton Bomb.
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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 22nd 2014: (Insert Lemongrab Scream, For No Real Reason) Sat, 23 Aug 2014 17:30:03 +0000 Hey there, lads and lasses. Your beleaguered SmackDown reviewer is here, exhausted after a frickin’ hilarious afternoon/evening/night (it really depended on the time zone) with Jonah Kue and BD, recording the latest in that excellent audio series: Trashy Ring Attire. Pray download it once available, and listen to us muse eloquently about SummerSlam and whether or not Stephanie McMahon is sexy.

With that being said, it’s a new dawn and we have a feral, drooling manbeast as our champion (with the skinniest, whitest, girliest calves I have ever seen). Oh, and by the way, allow me to feel savagely pleased at the fact that now RAW will rarely see its world champion either. You hear that, Czerwonka and Harrak? We’re all in the same boat now!

So, yeah, let’s get to the show.

We start off with the Viper, and even though he lost at SummerSlam, at least he didn’t end up looking like a character from a Lars Von Trier movie (do not watch Lars Von Trier movies). We see Michael Cole sitting by himself and I’m about to commit seppuku when he reveals that JBL is still there and so is some chap called ‘Tom Philips’. Well, unless he’s a cleverly disguised Jerry Lawler, he’s got to be better at commentary than Jerry Lawler, but I still demand to know why Renee Young’s probably-shapely hindquarters aren’t gracing that seat. Still, let’s see what ‘Tom’ can do and, more importantly, what nickname I can come up with for him.

Three seconds in, ‘Tom’ is a better commentator than Mike Adamle and Jerry Lawler combined. Orton says that one match does not define him, although it does define every other match he’s had. Orton says he’s never been called a loser, so clearly he’s never been on…the internet. He shows us his assault on Reigns from last month, and says that’s what happens when he’s focused, which makes you wonder why Randy is so unfocused 99% of the time. Orton has a match with Rob Van Dam; talk about unfocused. He says he will simply take our respect from us, which sounds like a vague rape threat.

I Learned That Rollins Is Latin American Last Night, Which Means That This Makes Sense

Rollins’ music plays, and he comes out with his bullshit bullion briefcase and his Batman-themed BDSM suit. He shakes hands with a retreating Orton, because he probably didn’t want to get respect-mugged. ‘Tom’ sure seems to be on top of things so far. Michael says that John Cena has demanded a rematch with Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions, which is like a crippled Bruce Wayne wheeling himself up to Bane and saying ‘bet you can’t do that again, fucker’. Having said that, I look forward to the spectacle of Brock ripping off Cena’s head and quoting Hamlet. Or any Shakespeare, actually.

Rollins will be facing Jack Swagger and, honestly, fuck Jack Swagger. Fuck his xenophobia, fuck his escort of soldiers who couldn’t do a rifle drill if their nation depended upon them and fuck anyone who expects me to view him as a face. We get a look back at Rollins injuring Ambrose, and God I hope we’re in for some historical recreation tonight. Apparently Ambrose escaped medical personnel and is currently ‘at large’, which is the greatest reason for an absence since people were getting dragged into parking lots by the Wyatts.

Here’s Swagger, and JBL despises him almost as much as I do. Bell rings and Seth gets taken over twice by Simple Jack. Seems like Rollins asked for the match and told Swagger ‘you failed your country’. Good for you, Seth. Rollins gets backed into the corner, but hits a shot to the ribs, hitting a front dropkick. Knees get dropped to the ribs, and Seth wraps his legs around Swagger’s midsection. Jack backs Seth into the turnbuckles to break the hold, but Rollins takes him right back down, hitting a forearm, but gets caught coming off the second rope and belly-to-belly slammed. Swagger tries to lunge at Seth, but gets caught on the apron with a kick as we got to break.

We come back to the action as Seth has his legs once again wrapped around Jack’s midsection, but Swagger gains a reprieve via a German Suplex to Rollins. Seth misses a stinger splash, getting tossed and knocked around the ring by Jack. Swagger Bomb connects, causing Jack grief to the ribs. ‘Tom”s whole role appears to be actually calling the action: God, that’s new. Seth hits a kick to the ribs, gets tossed onto the apron and hits a kick to the head. Seth comes off the top rope, but lands right into the Patriot Lock. He rolls out, misses the Curb Stomp and Jack drives both men out to the floor. Seth comes back into the ring, tries a baseball slide but gets caught in the Patriot Lock on the outside. Swagger tries to clothesline Rollins, but runs into the steel post and get caught on the outside. Ref’s counting, and Jack hustles back into the ring…and immediately gets Curb Stomped. He falls to the outside and gets counted out.

Well, I can totally get behind Swagger getting hurt. And the match itself was okay too. 2.5 Stars.

Hah, here comes Bo Dallas, playing the part of salt in Swagger’s wounds. Oh, and careful, ‘Tom'; you stay out of the morality conversation, now. Bo calls Jack Swagger ‘an American zero’, and damn it, he’s right. He calls himself America’s new sweetheart, and tells us to Bolieve. I love the fact that ‘Bolieve’ is now a word in my Microsoft Word Dictionary.

We look back at the Bellas apparently having their first fight ever and Nikki’s just godawful acting. She’s so wooden, the only role she could play is a mahogany desk I’ll tell ya what! Can’t blame Nikki for being in a bad place, really; her boyfriend did get completely emasculated on Sunday.

Here’s Miz backstage with Kane, and they just force the skinny pumpkin spice latte jokes, don’t they? This is weird, because Kane has more right to be called a movie star than the guy who’s doing the movie star gimmick, mainly because his movie wasn’t called See No Evil 4. Miz is in a match with Reigns, and is Kane’s alignment ‘be a dick to the closest person to me’ at the minute? Not that I mind; I’d just like to know.

Still Less Of A Squash Than Lesnar vs. Cena.

Here’s Lana and Rusev, and Rusev is facing Sin Cara. Rusev beats the unholy fuck out of Sin Cara, so they can bring out the latest black guy that Rusev’s feuding with. I actually wrote that sentence out during Rusev’s entrance, and that exact thing ended up happening. Sin Cara did have some good-looking movement in the ring.

2 Stars (I’m a sucker for a squash).

Post-match, Henry did come out and Rusev ran off. Henry yells ‘I don’t speak Russian!’, like a lack of linguistic knowledge is a point of pride.

Renee Young, looking incredible this week, is backstage with Rob Van Dam. She asks how he feels about Orton; Rob says Randy needs to chill out. Oh boy, Rob’s going to try and deal to Orton in the ring, isn’t he? Orton attacks Van Dam out of nowhere, prompting Renee to shoot a ‘fuck’s sake’ look at the camera. Randy tells her to tell Rob he’ll be waiting for him in the ring.

Renee Should Have Come Out To Fight For Rob

Orton’s in the ring, awaiting Rob Van Dam, who sprints out at him. Wow, he actually is almost displaying emotion. Orton is chased out, but comes back in the ring, taking Van Dam down in the corner and stomping him. Van Dam dodges a charge and rocks Orton with a collection of kicks. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Rob fired up, seriously. He somersaults over the top rope, taking Orton down on the outside, and then drops him on the barricade and tries to hit his spin kick, but Randy dodges. One guy in the crowd yells ‘what did you think was going to happen?!’ Fair play, man. Orton flings Rob into the barricades and slams him off the announce tables and throws him into the steps. Bell rings for a DQ as Orton back suplexes Van Dam onto the table.

Meh, 2 Stars for the violence and for Van Dam not acting stoically stoned in terms of emotion.

Vintage DDT onto the outside, and Orton is handily beating the shit out of RVD here. Back in the ring, Randy grabs a chair and RKOs Rob onto it. Orton then tells the announce team to tell Roman he’ll see him out here later. Why does Randy assume that everyone can be bothered to deliver his messages?

Renee Young’s backstage, and here’s Roman Reigns. She asks him about Orton’s threat, and Roman acts pissed about what the Authority did to Ambrose, despite the fact he did jack and shit to stop them. Sounds like some motherfuckers are going to get their drinks poisoned.

You Know, Paige, They’ll Probably Make AJ Give You The Belt Back Anyway

Natalya’s in the ring, and God, the German announce team are terrifyingly enthusiastic. Must be Nattie’s blonde hair setting them off. But here comes Paige, fresh from her softcore lesbian advert for the WWE Network this Sunday. I can’t get over the fact that it looks like Paige is wrestling in her underwear, and I worry that someone’s going to walk in when I’m reviewing these matches.

Paige immediately socks Natalya in the face, stomping her in corner to follow it up. Nat slaps her in the face and hits some punches in return. Double-underhook suplex to Paige, followed up by a baseball slide. Paige is thrown into the ring, but ducks back out and kicks Nat in the chin when she follows. Natalya gets pulled into the steel ring post shoulder-first. Headbutts to Nat, and she hits a clubbing blow to the spine before hitting knees to Natalya on the apron. Paige vines her legs around Nat’s midsection, but then AJ’s music hits. Nat breaks the hold, but nearly gets pinned off a press from Paige. AJ runs off with the belt as Paige drops Nattie with a hard knee to the face. Paige pursues AJ, who gives the belt back, and Paige sprints back into the ring to break the count, immediately getting caught in a sharpshooter by Natalya, and she taps as AJ watches.

Okay, you all probably know by now I hate when wrestlers see someone walking off with their belt and don’t think ‘well, I figure management won’t let them leave the arena with it. And hey, I’m still the champion, right?’ But this was actually more entertaining than usual; maybe because AJ gave it right back. Plus, this seems to tease at Natalya making this a triple-threat, and that sounds pretty good to me. 2.5 Stars.

Cody Creeps Me Out More Than The Wyatts

The Dust Brothers show up, followed by the Wyatts. It seems like the Dusts might be getting a title shot, considering their win on Monday over the Usos, and that the Wyatts are somewhat preoccupied by Big Show and Mark Henry. Stardust is starting off against Harper, and away we go. Punches to Harper, then Stardust rolls out of a back suplex but gets worked over in the corner. He jumps over Harper in the corner and hits a shot to the side of the head, taking control. Harper takes it back with an elbow, tagging in Rowan. Rowan catches Stardust, but Goldust had the blind tag and takes it to Erick with some fists, but Rowan just straight overpowers him and beats him down.

JBL and Michael bully ‘Tom’, which from what I hear from shoot interviews means that JBL kind of likes him. I assume Michael’s just found some reason that ‘Tom’ is morally comparable to a Nazi paedophile. Rowan is still in control, until a Rhodes Uppercut takes him out, but even then Rowan just straight up Cor Vons (obscure reference) him into a commercial.

Back from the break, Harper’s in control of Goldust, tagging in Rowan, who hits a bodyslam and big leg drop. Goldust is kept down as Rowan works him over. Tag to Harper, who slams fists into Goldust in the corner. Gator Roll inflicts yet more punishment, but Goldust hits a boot, then the hurricanrana…and gets hit with a superkick and a Batista Bomb. Stardust breaks up the pin, and then low-bridges Rowan. Harper knocks Stardust off the apron; Goldust rolls Harper up and that’s three.

Decent match. I’m not sure how well the Dusts and the Usos will play off each other, although a Brothers vs. Brothers match is reason enough for it to happen. 2.5 Stars.

The Wyatts get pissy after the match, destroying the Dusts for daring to hand them another loss. Harper throws Cole’s chair at Stardust, because fuck your need to sit down, Michael. Clothesline and a splash does for Goldust. ‘Tom’ snarkily offers Michael his chair afterwards, which I appreciate. I’m surprised the German announce team didn’t claim the chair as lebensraum.

Breaking news from Triple H, that news being ‘we don’t have anyone we can seriously put in a match with Brock Lesnar other than John Cena’. We’re all aware that Triple H just condoned Cena’s televised euthanasia, right? We recap Lesnar’s belt presentation ceremony, and I have to feel bad for the guy; he destroys Cena handily and they give him a belt with the Network logo on it? He should have ripped Hunter’s face off and stitched it over that symbol. Cena will apparently be on RAW next week to address matters, and I hope beyond hope that he cries at some point during that.

Guess Which Wrestler Recently Held The Intercontinental Title

Main event time, and here comes Roman Reigns. With about six minutes left on the clock, I have an idea where this is going. I have no idea what that thing Miz is wearing is, but I’m sure it is not a real article of clothing. We see a replay of Roman punching Miz’s cheekbone into fragments and dust, which I think was the production team’s way of going ‘remember this, Miz? You big bitch.’ Orton immediately comes out, aware that Miz is not going to be a threat to Roman on his own.

Miz tries to jump Reigns, who beats him down until Miz runs off, but Roman cuts him off on the outside and clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Miz actually gets in some shots, but then immediately gets Samoan dropped. Orton tries to slither into the ring, but Reigns backs him down. Miz hits a big boot, throwing some hands to a prone Roman. He goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, but eats a spear and gets pinned.

Not that much of anything there. 2 Stars.

Roman wants himself some of Orton, and Randy seems set to accommodate him, actually getting in the ring. Wait, are we sure that’s Orton? When did he grow a spine? The guys tee off, throwing hands before Reigns gets clotheslined outside the ring. Roman manages to smash him off the steps; Reigns gets hurled into the barricade but comes back to uppercut Orton. Randy grabs a chair and hammers Roman with it, throwing him back in the ring. RKO on the chair is attempted, but Reigns counters and gives Orton a taste of his own chair-medicine. Superman Punch effectively brings the argument to a close, with Roman Reigns standing tall.

Kind of a weird SmackDown: felt like a strange comedown from SummerSlam. Enjoyable, but just a little off in places. Maybe I’m not drunk enough; it’s conceivable. Seven.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The ‘Bo Dallas’. After dissatisfactory intercourse with your partner, perform a victory lap around the bed.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 8th 2014: The Seth Rollins Edition Sat, 09 Aug 2014 02:18:04 +0000 Whoa!  Who the heck is this Rhett guy?  Didn’t he use to work here as a columnist?  Doesn’t he do the Roundtables and PPV Live Coverage (most of the time)?  What is he doing on a report called ‘Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report?’  Well, this week I will be filling in for the exquisite writer David Spain.  Now let’s see… Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker are the top dogs on this show right?

We open the show with the basic although-not-sure-if-I-like-it theme song of Dean Ambrose.  He comes out to the ring and JBL complains about Dean filling his hat with popcorn and soda while we get a Raw recap of it.  How about Heath Slater winning on Raw?! That’s more of a surprise than Ryder winning a few weeks ago.

Dean Ambrose says that the Authority thought they held all the cards on Monday, but they can’t plan for Dean Ambrose.  Dean says since he beat Seth Rollins on Raw in the Beat The Clock challenge so he gets to pick the stipulation.  Ambrose lists off some of the matches they could have including a ‘JBL Hat on the Pole Match’ and have alligators around the ring.  He also says they could have a ‘Loser Washes Triple H’s Car’ match, but Seth probably already does that.  Seth Rollins interrupts him and stands on the stage.  Seth calls Dean the unstable one of The Shield and himself the brains.  Seth gives Dean some credit for Monday’s events.  Seth tells him to name the stipulation.  Dean introduces Mr. Money in the Bank and says the briefcase looks rough.  Seth says that Dean isn’t going to beat him at SummerSlam.  Seth says the stipulation doesn’t matter and it will be the end of Dean Ambrose.  Seth says the people can get to see that at SummerSlam for the low price of $9.99.  Dean says the people aren’t going to pay to see Seth run.  Dean says if Seth tries to run, he’ll run into a wall of bodies.  Dean Ambrose says their match will be a Lumberjack Match.  Dean Ambrose says that SummerSlam is the day Mr. Money in the Bank goes broke.  Seth says he’s not going anywhere.  Seth says no matter what happens at SummerSlam he will still be Mr. Money in the Bank.  Seth says The Authority has given him the right to pick Dean’s opponent for tonight.  He picks Randy Orton.  Randy Orton vs. Dean Ambrose.  Could be a fun main event.


Monday is Hulk Hogan’s birthday bash.  That’ll be fun.

Mark Henry & Big Show vs. Rybaxel

First time we’ve seen Big Show in awhile and I’ve actually missed the big lug a little bit.  Maybe he’ll do a Hulk Hogan imitation on Monday.  Henry and Axel start this off.  Axel moves around Henry and mocks Axel by moving slowly then rolls out of the ring when Henry charges.  Axel rolls back in and Henry catches him with some clubbing blows.  Axel looks stunned and tags in Ryback.  Ryback tells Henry to hit him.  They lock up and Henry flings him back.  Ryback is smirking and pushes Henry.  Henry pushes him back.  Henry rams Ryback in the corner.  Henry whips Ryback across the ring.  He flings him off the rope.  Henry picks him up for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Axel chop blocks Henry.  They double team for a minute before Ryback hits some knees to Henry.  Ryback teases a powerbomb, but Henry flings him over.  Show tags in, hits some clotheslines and a big boot.  He flings Ryback to Henry for the WSM and hits a big Chokeslam on Curtis Axel for the pin.

Winners:  The Big Show & Mark Henry

Dolph Ziggler is in the back with Rosa Mendes, Eva Marie, and Adam Rose.  Seth comes up and calls Dolph’s career a joke.  Seth says he’s going to pick his own opponent for tonight as well.  Dolph says that sounds like a challenge.  Seth says you bet your ass it’s a challenge.


JBL and Michael Cole hype the WWE Network.

Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow (as a Border Patrol Officer)

They lock up and Sandow hits some big blows to Sin Cara’s face.  Sandow goes for the Elbow of Disdain.  He locks in the side headlock.  Cara fights out and hits a springboard body splash times three.  He hits a tiltawhirl armdrag.  Sandow hits a backdrop for two.  Sandow goes for the full nelson, but it’s reversed into an Angle Slam.  Sin Cara hits a Senton Bomb for the three count.

Winner:  Sin Cara


JBL and Cole hype Occulus and discuss Brock vs. Cena.  Video package of Brock vs. Cena.  I know Mr. Spain loves those.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins

Dolph Ziggler is fighting The Miz at SummerSlam.  They lock up with vigor.  Seth hits some elbows on Dolph in the corner.  He flings Dolph across the ring by his hair.  Seth throws Dolph on his neck on the top rope.  Seth locks in a camel clutch.  Dolph fights back but Seth stops him with the Triple Vertical.  Seth chokes Dolph on the second rope.  Seth locks in a side headlock.  Dolph fights up and hits a big jawbreaker.  Dolph ducks a clothesline and hits some big drop kicks.  He goes for the Fameasser, but Seth throws him over the top rope onto the floor.


Dolph is pounding on Seth as we come back, but Seth hits a kick to Dolph’s jaw.  Seth rubs Dolph’s face on the mat.  Seth goes outside and hits blows to Dolph’s body laid over the edge.  He kicks Dolph to knock him back in the ring.  Seth gets back in and toys with Dolph.  Seth stomps on Dolph’s head on the bottom rope.  He continues to taunt Ziggler.  Ziggler goes off the ropes, but eats a big elbow for two.  Side headlock and Dolph pushes Seth into the corner to break it up.  Dolph hits some drop kicks and a big Splash in the corner.  Dolph goes for the 10 count in the corner.  Dolph hits a neckbreaker for two.  Dolph hits a belly to back suplex for two.  They exchange blows and Dolph splashes down on Seth for two.  Dolph goes for a corner splash and misses.  Seth goes for a suplex, but Dolph rolls him up for two.  They trade blows, Seth goes off the ropes, but eats a big high-impact DDT from Dolph for two.  Dolph goes for the ZigZag, but Seth rolls him up for two.  Seth pulls Dolph’s head down on the top rope.  Seth is on the apron and goes for the springboard knee, but Dolph dodges and hits the Fameasser.  Dolph pounds away on Seth, but Seth kicks Dolph’s knee and throws him between the top and second rope into the ringpost.  Dolph falls to the floor.  Seth goes outside and picks him up and throws him into the barricade.  Seth asks what’s funny now?  Seth throws Dolph into the steel steps.  The referee continues to count.  Seth picks up Dolph and rolls him in.  Seth is getting cocky now.  Seth taunts Dolph and screams at him.  Seth Rollins hits the Curb Stomp and gets the three count.

Winner:  Seth Rollins

Randy Orton is in the back with Renee Young.  She asks him about his match tonight.  Orton says Ambrose is unstable, but he is uncontrollable.  Orton says he doesn’t even know what he’ll do when he gets his hand on Ambrose.  Orton says that he is the most unstable.


Natalya vs. Paige

Paige skips to the ring.  They recap last week where AJ is pushed off the stage by Paige.  Paige pushes Natalya.  Nattie slaps her.  Nattie hits a double arm suplex.  Natalya locks in the sharpshooter.  Paige crawls to the ropes and pulls the ring skirt when Nattie pulls her back.  Paige hits the Paige Turner on the outside and screams at Natalya.  Paige skips around the ring.  Nattie barely makes it back in.  Nattie tries to roll up Paige, but it’s only two.  Paige slaps Nattie hard and locks in the Paige Tap Out.  Nattie obliges and taps.

Winner:  Paige

Rusev is on his way to the ring when he’s interrupted by an All American…


Big E is in the ring when we return.

Big E vs. Rusev

Rusev pounds away at Big E and Big E responds back with some.  Rusev throws him in the corner and hits some big kicks.  Rusev strikes Big E in the face taking him to the mat.  Rusev is yelling at Big E.  Big E stops Rusev’s charge with an elbow.  Big E hits a belly-to-belly suplex.  Big E goes for the running splash and misses.  Rusev locks in The Accolade and Big E taps.

Winner:  Rusev

Chris Jericho is backstage and says that Bray Wyatt is a virus in the WWE.  He says he has the antidote to the poison and it’s spelled Y2J.  Jericho says he’s going to grab the buzzards and stuff them down Bray’s throat.


JBL and Cole discuss the WWE Network going global for… $9.99.

They show a Raw Rebound for the Brie Bella vs. Stephanie feud.


Dean Ambrose vs. Randy Orton

They circle around.  Orton kicks Dean, but Dean throws him in the corner and hits some strikes.  Orton goes outside to collect himself before coming back in to be put in a headlock.  They do some reversals and Dean ties up Orton’s legs and claws Orton’s traps.  Ambrose hits a running elbow on to Orton for three.  Dean wraps Orton’s arms around him, but Orton reverses out and boot him to the chest.  Orton stomps on Ambrose’s leg in the corner.  Dean pulls himself up and unloads on Randy’s face.  (Heh)  Ambrose launches himself over the top rope on to Orton.


Ambrose is hitting headbutts, but Orton whips him hard into the corner hard.  Orton begins dissecting Dean.  Orton headbutts and strikes Ambrose in the corner.  Dean comes back, but Orton targets the injured arm of Dean.  Orton has an armlock on Dean.  Dean says why don’t you put some pressure on it.  Orton obliges.  Dean fights up and headbutts Orton.  Orton kicks him, whips him into the rope, but Dean hits a DDT.  The ref begins counting, but they get up and Dean punches Orton’s face.  Dean is a house of fire and hits some big punches to Orton’s face.  Dean rams Orton in the corner, rakes his eyes, and hits a big swinging DDT from the top rope for a two count.  Dean goes for Dirty Deeds, but Orton reverses.  Orton gets flung outside.  Dean runs toward the ropes and Orton punches him!  Orton pulls him outside and starts flinging him into the steel steps.  Orton pulls Dean to the apron and goes for the drapped DDT, but Dean flings Orton over the top rope.  Dean hits a suicide dive.  They come back in, Orton punches Dean, Dean bounces back from the ropes for a big clothesline.  Seth distracts Dean for Orton to set up the RKO.  He reverses and hits Dirty Deeds.  He goes for the cover, but Seth pulls him out.  Seth beats up on Dean until they roll back in.  Orton hits an RKO on Dean and Seth pounds away on Dean.  Seth steals a lady’s drink and climbs back into the ring.  Seth pours it on Dean’s face.  Seth says at SummerSlam it’s the end for Dean.  Seth hits a nasty Curb Stomp.  Seth rips off Dean’s shirt and stands tall as SmackDown comes to a close.

Winner:  (by DQ)  Dean Ambrose


Thanks for reading!topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for June 27th 2014: People Get Really Distracted By Belts Above Their Heads Fri, 27 Jun 2014 23:51:33 +0000 Hey there folks and…other folks. In a break from the tradition of the past couple of weeks, I’m actually going to be submitting this around about the area of ‘on time’ (this is mainly due to the fact that my coursework is ready for collection tomorrow, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here writing a review when I could be sitting in a traffic jam dreading the future).

We start with a recap of…well, it starts at WrestleMania, which I don’t think is a record, but it’s up there. I still can’t see Kane as a genuine threat to any real championship contender, especially not after he dramatically cleared the ring on Monday and then got straight-up destroyed by an exhausted Roman Reigns.

We start off with probably-Evolution-2.0 in the ring. Stephanie’s not there, and I’m not sure whether that’s because Trips still doesn’t like the idea of Orton and his wife in the same ring. And let me just say: Rollins can fucking rock a black suit. Also, considering his former teammates now spend their time poisoning women or being crazy, maybe hanging around with his boss was a decent call. Triple H talks about eras, making us all pine for whatever we define as our own personal wrestling nostalgia (Lesnar as WWE Champ, incredible tag team matches and the return of Shawn Michaels). Apparently this is the ‘Reality Era’, although Triple H says it should be called ‘The Authority Era’, and that tells you everything you need to know about this guy. We’re again promised a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and can you imagine if that didn’t happen? None of them could be bothered to wrestle and all played poker instead? Hunter says Orton will get the belt and Rollins will get the briefcase: in other words, Triple H either expects Orton to lose the belt inside of a year or expects Rollins to screw them both over.

Orton takes the mic and threatens us with another awful championship reign: that heelish prick. And Rollins brings up ‘Plan B’ again, so now Evolution stands against creationism and the sanctity of life: suck it, Catholics. Orton gets all fierce at the implication that he might not win, and so Rollins diplomatically repeats his belief that Randy might not win. Mr Orton, always up for a fight with someone who could beat the shit out of him, shows aggression. Triple H plays camp counsellor and says that they should trust each other because he trusts them. In other words, Triple H has total faith in the guy who stabbed his best friends in the back less than a month ago and the guy who’s screwed over practically everyone ever and assaulted his wife. Maybe having Shawn Michaels as a best friend skews your perspective when it comes to trusting people. He addresses the Dean Ambrose issue and does his fucking Dick Van Dyke impression to introduce Wade Barrett.

I’ve Got Bad News For Barrett’s Shoulder Joint

Ambrose makes his entrance as well, and I’m unsure about both his music and the sleeveless hooded jacket. Bell rings, the men tie up and Ambrose throws hands and stomps in the corner. Barrett bulls his way back into it, misses a clothesline and gets Thesz-pressed by Ambrose and tossed through the ropes. Wade’s whacked off the apron and the barricade, and then is thrown back into the ring, managing to catch Dean with a big kick. Neckbreaker by Barrett, and we get our first OMINOUS VIEW of the MITB briefcase tonight. I mean…gold? Really? Maybe they’re hoping the feeling of fashion suicide will prompt a rapid cash-in.

Barrett his knees to the head of Ambrose, who’s tied up in the ropes, then a boot knocks him out of the ring. Someone yells ‘suck it up; you got him’ to Ambrose, and no he doesn’t, Random Fan; he is lying in pain on the outside. Oh, and now he’s getting thrown into the barricade. And a turnbuckle. All according to plan. Forearms lace Dean’s back on the turnbuckle, then a kick throws him off it. Headlock to Ambrose. Headbutts get Dean out; a back elbow puts him down and into a sleeper. A reaaaaally long sleeper. Ambrose slaps some life into himself, ducks a clothesline and hits forearms before slamming the back of Barrett’s head off the mat. He goes up high, but Barrett throws him back down. Pumphandle slam; Ambrose slides out and clotheslines Wade big-time. Dirty Deeds gets the pin, which Michael actually missed for a moment or so.

Pretty decent match, although the finish was a little abrupt. Nothing really to complain about: good bout to start. 2.5 stars.

Swagger’s music kicks in, and Ambrose wants himself a piece of some racists. Swagger, on the other hand, notices the foreigner by the barricade and uses said-barricade to dislocate the man’s shoulder. Thanks, Swagger. Don’t know how we’d injure people without you. Ambrose breaks up this further shelving of talent, diving out of the ring onto Swagger. He wallops Simple Jack with a small ladder and tosses him back into the ring, which Swagger then dumps him out of. Ambrose comes back as Jack’s distracted by how goddamned garish that briefcase is, and they brawl on the outside. Rollins then appears, hurling Dean into the steps and Curb Stomping him. Either he still hates Ambrose or has started disliking Barrett. I love how Roman apparently does not give two shits about any of this, but then he’s probably busy pouring sleeping pills into the coffee machine.

Hah…Women, Right?

Seems like it’s Cameron vs. Paige, and I wasn’t particularly paying attention to the commentary from Monday night, but apparently people would be more inclined to listen to the speeches of Hitler than Cameron with a headset. Today we’ve got Naomi on commentary, so let’s see if Naomi’s the better talker as well as the better wrestler. And apparently Cameron’s decided that she’s decided that the next few weeks are going to involve both being a bitch and blinding pain, because she slapped Paige; you could see the decision to break Cameron’s spine in the Divas Champion’s eyes. Also, Naomi’s lipstick for her MITB avatar is sparkling green. The honest fuck?

The girls lock up and careful, Paige: Cameron could be deadly with those shite-looking clotheslines. Paige backs Cameron into a corner and straight up stomps the crap out of her. Meanwhile, Naomi basically admits that Cameron is either crazy or a bitch. Paige hops over Cameron, who hits a facebuster for two. Headscissors to Paige’s neck, and she fights her way out of that, hitting the Paige Turner to basically demonstrate that Cameron is the second-best Funkadactyl. Have fun making analogies for that one.

Not much of a match, really; I think Cameron got maybe three moves altogether. 2 Stars.

Naomi gets into the ring and she and Paige have a stare-down, until Cameron jumps Paige. And I’ve just realised, with Naomi, Cameron, Alicia and Tamina to enter under her ‘feuded with’ heading, Paige is the skinny British female Rusev. Naomi tries to fix things and Cameron shoves her into Paige. Paige, who as we’ve already established is very easy to distract and fool, gets in Naomi’s face as the ref tries to cop a crafty feel.

If The Usos Lose The Belts, Will They Stop Showing Up At Other People’s Matches?

Sheamus is here and will be facing Bray Wyatt. I found a hat which looks exactly like Bray’s white one in a discount store; I’d have bought it but I looked beyond ridiculous wearing it. What’s the betting that the Usos show up in a way that should be cool and heroic but instead makes them look desperate? Bray and Sheamus tie up, and Wyatt shoves the Irishman away. No white pants, Bray? Sheamus is shot off the ropes and shoulder tackles Bray, and then both men go to work with fists. Sheamus is reverse-whipped into the corner, but gets the boots up, then goes up high and hits the diving shoulder block. Bray fights off an attempt at the clubbing blows to the chest, and hides behind Rowan. Harper distracts Sheamus and Bray trips him up on the apron.

Back from the break, Bray hits a crossbody, and the Usos are now at ringside. At least they had the decency to do that kind of thing during the adverts. Bray kicks Sheamus and then chokes him on the ropes. He hoists Sheamus up on the turnbuckle, who tries to fight back with headbutts but gets whacked onto the floor. Bray heads out after Sheamus, working him over on the outside. Back in the ring, Sheamus gets beaten down in the corner, blocks a suplex for a moment and then takes it anyway. Headlock to Sheamus in the centre of the ring, but he starts rising to his feet, only to take an uppercut. Bray charges at Sheamus, who levels him with a big clothesline. Wyatt’s tossed out onto the apron, then takes the Ten Beats of the Whatsit. He rolls out of the rolling senton, but eats axe-handles, dodges a running knee and gets bodyslammed.

Sheamus tries the Texas Cloverleaf, but Wyatt fights out of it, hitting a back senton of his own. Sister Abigail is elbowed out of, and Sheamus hits a sloppy Irish Curse, following it up with a flying knee to the face. Texas Cloverleaf locked in, and the Wyatts break it up.

Good, hard-hitting match here, and it advertised well. Still, I’m starting to worry about the amount of interference Bray’s getting saved by these days. We’ll see, I guess. 2.5 Stars.

The Wyatts are tossed out of the ring and get dived on by the Usos. Bray tries to hit Sister Abigail, gets tossed away but dodges a Brogue Kick. And Sheamus has managed to start annoying me again without me even realising.

Not-Renee is backstage with Goldust, who tries to talk to him but gets…I honestly don’t have a verb for this, but Stardust shows up and has either drank coffee that Roman Reigns gave him or has breathed the air anywhere near Adam Rose. If you know what I mean.

The ‘Guys Who Ain’t Winning On Sunday’ Match

In the ring are Van Dam, Ziggler, Del Rio and Cesaro, so I guess it’s mix n’ match ladder match opponents? Heyman’s on commentary and refuses to answer Michael’s questions, and damn it, he’s right. RVD and ADR start off and Del Rio hits a shoulder tackle, then kicks to Van Dam in the corner. Rob throws Alberto into the opposite corner and hits a monkey flip. Big kick to Del Rio as we get our Obligatory Streak Reference. Ziggler hits an elbow drop, but gets pancaked by Alberto. Tag now to Cesaro, who stands on Dolph’s face for symbolism’s sake. Michael then accuses Heyman of not having one his clients win a Money In The Bank match, despite the fact that none of his clients ever entered one whilst in his employ (usually because they were doing way more high-profile stuff) and the fact that both Van Dam and Punk have won it previously. The fuck is telling Michael Cole what to say, because I refuse to believe a war journalist wrote that statement.

Enzuigiri to Dolph Ziggler, then a tag to Cesaro. Ziggler ducks Cesaro twice and hits a crossbody and a splash, but far more entertaining is Heyman calling Michael Cole out on his vast field of fertile bullshit. Ziggler dodges Cesaro, hitting a Fameasser. Zig-Zag’s attempted, but Cesaro throws Ziggler off him as Alberto gets the tag. Dropkick to Cesaro, but Dolph gets taken out by Del Rio, knocked out of the ring. Ziggler’s thrown into the barricade and back into the ring as Cesaro comes in. Sleeper hold to Cesaro and Heyman tells Michael ‘I don’t like you’. This actually feels like it’s about something else as Cesaro hits a sidewalk slam. Tag to Alberto, who drops knees to Ziggler and mocks RVD. Snapmare takeover and a dropkick to Dolph, followed by a sleeper.

Ziggler hits a sunset flip, but then takes a violent-looking tilt-a-whirl and a fist from the top rope. Cesaro comes in and floors Ziggler with a fist, then applies a sleeper (I took a break there to write a comment on the possible Lesnar vs. Cena discussion; I might have gone a bit overboard). Ziggler manages headscissors Cesaro into a sleeper, who fights out of it. Ziggler tosses Cesaro out of the ring and crawls to Van Dam; Cesaro is thrown back into the ring by Del Rio, who comes in off the tag, but so does RVD. Rob kicks everyone, hitting Rolling Thunder to Del Rio, who manages to hit an armbreaker, but misses the enzuigiri. Split-leg moonsault to Alberto; Cesaro breaks up the pin and uppercuts Ziggler. Van Dam kicks Cesaro out of the ring, frogsplashes onto Del Rio’s raised knees and taps to the cross armbar.

Good match: best one so far. Del Rio looked more like a main eventer here, and I’m glad he was able to get the win. Still not holding out much hope for him at the PPV… 3 Stars.

Del Rio gets in Cesaro’s and Heyman’s faces, and why would you do that, Alberto? He eats a Neutraliser, which I think was Cesaro’s way of asking the same question.

Renee Young is backstage with the Usos, who managed to resist being at ringside for any more matches tonight. She asks how they feel about defending their titles, and I think they’re both trying to be the Rock but have nowhere near the level of charisma to pull that off (honestly, though: who does?).

It’s Roman Reigns vs. Kane later, and Michael says that Kane has not forgotten Reigns spearing him on Monday night. Apparently he’s not taking it as a warning, though.

Rusev Is So Awesome, He Prevented Sin Cara’s Mood Lighting

Rusev and Lana are in the ring, and I swear, her engaging in roleplay must be just terrifying. Plus, Rusev seriously has some ‘come hither’ eyes when he looks at Putin. Lana says something about how you guys are all decadent, and whilst we’re on the subject of the USA, congratulations on still being in the World Cup. I’m serious: nothing is making me happier right now than Britain being out and you guys being in, because nothing is annoying every British football fan I know more. It’s just…it’s beautiful.

Sin Cara gets in four kicks before Rusev destroys him.

I still get pleasure out of watching this; I think there’s something wrong with me. 2 Stars.

And here comes Big E, and I think his ‘inspirational’ style of speaking is actually just as much of a parody as Lana’s. And I need him to just go: ‘Lana. Lana. Lana! LAAAAANAAA!!’ ‘ЧТО?!’ ‘Danger zone…’ And according to him, you all work in steel mills or plants, which I did not know. He takes out Rusev, so it looks like he’s finally realised that he’s more muscular than Rusev is.

We recap Vickie getting fired. It must be weird to work in a world where employee rights and safeguarding don’t exist; if my boss told me I could keep my job if I successfully wrestled them into a big paddling pool full of mud or pudding, they would be on the receiving end of a sexual harassment claim so huge that I could afford to spend the rest of my life sitting around and writing novels (note to self: start winking at boss).

Is Kane Really Considered A Threat To Anyone?

Kane shows up to the ring, and I really want for him to drop unconscious and for us to be shown a recap of Roman Reigns dumping sleeping pills into the arena’s water coolers and laughing maniacally (I’ve really done a 180 on how funny spiking people’s drinks is, haven’t I?) Here comes Roman Reigns; imagine if roofie-ing people was his way of dealing with Rollins’ betrayal.

Kane hits a shoulder tackle, then an uppercut, and then eats a shoulder tackle himself. Headbutts to the Big Red Machine, and he fights back before taking a bodyslam. Roman attempts a backdrop, but Kane hits a DDT instead. Back from the break, Kane has Reigns in a sleeper, then throws him off the ropes and takes a headbutt, then a Samoan drop. Some early big moves here. Big boot from Kane puts Reigns down, then a clothesline to the corner and a sidewalk slam for two. Kane heads to the outside, dismantling the announce table. He tries to chokeslam Reigns, and gets driven right into the steps before hitting Reigns right in the mouth.

Back in the ring, Kane eats a flying clothesline, then another clothesline in the corner. Running dropkick to Kane’s mask, then a Superman Punch as Reigns looks to make Kane his Big Red Bitch. And then Orton shows up and hangs Roman up on the ropes, getting the DQ.

This seemed weirdly paced: a lot of big moves early. Probably a time constraint thing, but it always felt like the end was very close. 2 Stars.

Orton takes it to Reigns in the corner, and Kane should really be annoyed at Orton for making him lose via DQ. Unless this is a prearranged mugging in order to teach Roman the rights and wrongs of putting things in unattended drinks (are there any rights of that, actually?). Superman Punch to Orton, and then a chokeslam from Kane to Reigns. Kane heads out of the ring, and then gets the big ladder (as a Freudian ‘fuck you’ to Dean Ambrose). He actually looks like he’s going to lace Orton with it, but apparently is going to climb it and take the belts. Or he’s set the ladder up for Orton to climb. Don’t do it, Randy. It’s not the real match; you get nothing for doing this and it’s very dangerous. Randy…Randy…wait…Randy…

Orton takes off the belts, with the only thing achieved by that being that someone from the ring crew not now having to do it. Go on, Randy: put the belts over your shoulders again, like you don’t have a fucking torso. Kane sets up to chokeslam Reigns again, but Orton apparently wants him some. Or is…going for the punt? Probably a good idea to try to concuss the most dominant guy in this match now, really. Reigns disagrees, and spears both Orton and Kane. He then holds both belts up to close the show (he then hangs them back up, because the ring crew need to do their own damn jobs).topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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7 Thoughts: NXT Take Over 5.29.14 (Adrian Neville, Tyson Kidd, Sami Zayn, Tyler Breeze) Fri, 30 May 2014 02:21:57 +0000 NXT Takeover 2014


#1~ I can’t tell you how excited I am that there’s another NXT live, “PPV”-style show on the WWE Network. Three title matches and every match booked has the ability to steal the show. You don’t get that on regular WWE PPVs. The only thing I can relate this to is the old WCW Clash of the Champions shows and I’m damn looking forward to it.

#2~ I wouldn’t be surprised to see The Ascension as the next act to be called up to the main roster. They’ve got their chemistry down and would be a great addition to a WWE tag team division that needs a little life. On the other side of the ring, I hope the WWE isn’t too afraid of bringing up another luchador in Kalisto. They’re doing now what they SHOULD have done with Sin Cara – let him get his feet wet throughout NXT before showcasing him in front of millions.

#3~ Tyler Breeze now sings his own theme music? Perfect for his character and very “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels. That little addition to his character is another sign he’s on his way to the main roster. And he & Sami Zayn just stole the damn show… so far. Both title matches have the potential to be the match of the night but it’s going to be damn hard to top Breeze/Zayn. It truly is amazing how fantastic some of the talent is in NXT.

#4~ I’m a fan of Rusev tonight simply because he laid out Mojo Rawley. But now I’m somewhat sad that Triple H isn’t a full-time wrestler. Then he could face Rusev, beat him cleanly a few times and then book him as a comedy tag team partner of Santino Marella before releasing him soon after.

#5~ That was a damn, fantastic match – Divas match or not. I haven’t seen a WWE women’s match that good since the era of the Trish Stratus/Lita feuds. Charlotte is a terrific example of what NXT is and what goes on at NXT between shows. She had her first televised match in July of 2013 and tonight had the best Divas match of the year. Unbelievable night so far for NXT.

#6~ Anyone who saw Adrian Neville versus Tyson Kidd saw Kidd arrive and at his best. He was absolutely flawless in this match and probably came off better in the loss than he would have if he won. Tyson Kidd finally stole the spotlight and rightfully so. Incredible match between two incredible athletes that capped off an incredible night. Wow…

#7~ This was one of the few shows in a very long time where I just sat back and watched the entire show. It combined the match quality of a ROH show, the name value of a TNA/WWE show and the production value of the biggest wrestling organization in the world. Forget PPVs. 10 bucks a month is worth NXT alone.topstory120x120-×120-2013.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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My Thoughts: WWE RAW 5.26.14 (Daniel Bryan, The Shield, Evolution, Rob Van Dam) Wed, 28 May 2014 02:22:02 +0000 WWE Raw 11-13 Header


#1~ Just what I wanted to see on Memorial Day… coffins. Memorial Day is a day to celebrate those who gave their lives for the United States of America. So celebrate those men and women, don’t just show us pictures of dead soldiers. I’m sorry but that opening rubbed me the wrong way.

#2~ Why was Brad Maddox still Raw General Manager when The Authority are at Raw every, single week?

#3~ I can’t put into words how bored I am with Rob Van Dam. It’s funny how so many people hate John Cena for never updating his character whereas RVD has been riding the same gimmick since 1990. They use the same moves, cut the same promos and wear the same outfits. The only difference is that RVD is more athletic & grew up with the ECW faithful. Now let the commenting begin.

#4~ “Skinny jeans sellout and RK-Blows.” Not a bad line.

#5~ Poor Drew McIntyre. And poor everyone that had to suffer through “one of the most shocking moments in Monday Night Raw history”… the “de-tailing” segment.

#6~ Is it bad that I had to agree with A LOT of what Bray Wyatt had to say?

#7~ Now I have to say poor Jerry Lawler. A few years ago that would have been Jim Ross sitting in the ring surrounded by the Wyatt Family. Now Lawler is the only one on the announce team that garners any sympathy from the crowd.

#8~ I feel like when Batista signed a full-time contract for these past 5 months on the road that he forgot to pack his razor. Besides that, the chemistry between Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton is undeniable. I love seeing them in a competitive match. Overall a good showcase for Orton and Batista heading into the PPV. After the loss at Extreme Rules, it was good to establish how dominant these two main-eventers are. The Shield have been pushed so strongly that Evolution needed SOMETHING.

#9~ Nice debut for Bo Dallas on Raw. He and Sin Cara had a good match & Dallas’ promos were exactly what they needed to be. He’s going to get on people’s nerves VERY quickly and that’s a good thing. AND he was the first guy who was able to kill Sin Cara’s special lighting!

#10~ A good segment between Daniel Bryan and Stephanie McMahon that essentially set up a potential WWE World Heavyweight Championship title change without there even being a title match. Nice way to work Daniel Bryan into an important situation on PPV without him having to get physical.

#11~ I never thought I’d see a Diva character crazier than AJ Lee… Good God, imagine a match between those two.

#12~ I’m fine having a cheap match for Adam Rose’s debut. Unfortunately I don’t believe that this character will get a chance to show off his skills in the ring that he displayed as Leo Kruger in NXT. Davey Crockett was just not necessary.

#13~ Ah, Seth Rollins, I’m sorry but only CM Punk can make a mockery of WWE “contract signings”. The big thing I took away from this segment is that Roman Reigns versus Triple H at SummerSlam seems all but set in stone. They chose specific camera shots focusing on those two men and honestly I think it would be a very good match.topstory120x120-×120-2013.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250-raw-2013.jpg|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for May 23rd 2014: HELLO LONDON!! Sat, 24 May 2014 08:28:14 +0000 Welcome to WWE SmackDown, beaming to you from London; enjoy it while it lasts, WWE, because when UKIP wins and starts its crusade, we won’t be letting anyone who isn’t white, British and reliant on ‘common sense’ rather than ‘actual facts’ into these sceptered isles.

Jimmy Hart’s in the ring, introducing Hulk Hogan. Either my drugs or the time machine worked, or there had better be a good reason to be rolling these guys out here. And it had better not be that either of them are going to be in a match. Quite a loud ‘Hogan’ chant in London, admittedly. Hogan says it’s great to be in London, just like the old days, and then plugs Legends House. Oh, so Hogan’s doing commercials, like other celebrities of roughly his age.

Hogan says that tonight’s not about looking back, and you certainly could have fooled me considering the two eighties icons in the ring, but the future. He says the WWE is bigger and better than it’s ever been, which must be in the same way that, say, $11.27 is bigger and better than, say, $20. He says they’re already on the road to next year’s WrestleMania, which is still a shorter build than 29 had. Whatcha gonna do when the Legends House, the WWE Network and Hulkamania run wild on you? I imagine I’ll sell my stock to Lemelson Capital.

And as Christ was apparently resurrected after his death, so shall Dolph Ziggler have a rematch with Batista: no holds barred. I can only imagine Ziggler offended someone in organised crime, and they’re a huge wrestling fan.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Batista II: Die Harder

Apparently Ziggler demanded a match against someone who physically mutilated him last week, in retaliation to said-mutilation. This is like the logic behind every decision made in 47 Ronin. Batista drives Dolph into a corner but gets punched out and eats a dropkick. Kicks to Batista, choking him with his foot, but Batista drops him with a spinebuster off the ropes for a two. Batista heads out of the ring, grabbing a chair, but Ziggler snatches the chair off him. He tries to strike the big man, but Dave grabs him and smashes him into the announce table, then the apron, which is how he’s going to teach Ziggler the definition of ‘hindsight’. Batista winds up for a spear, but Ziggler side-steps and sends him right into the barricade. A clothesline sends both men into the timekeeper’s area, and I shouldn’t giggle when I read that back, but I most certainly did.

Back from the break, the timekeeper has regained his personal space as Batista hurls Ziggler into the barricade. Ziggler fires up again, smacking Batista’s beard off the announce table, then tries to punch it off. Batista almost gets a bodyslam, but Dolph slides out, only to get clotheslined. Back from a second break, Batista tries to smash Ziggler with a chair, but what do we say to the God of Death? Not today: Ziggler ducks, grabs the chair again and laces the big bastard with it. He rolls the dead weight of Batista into the ring, only for Dave to roll right back out the other side: that’s our Batista! Ziggler follows him, knocking Batista down on the outside, then hurls him into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Ziggler hits his splash, then actually ties Batista’s arms up in the ropes before punching him; I do enjoy a bit of tasty continuity. Neckbreaker takes Dave down, then Ziggler hits his big DDT. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that the guy who’s getting beaten by Ziggler is the muscle of a power stable who have a PPV match next week. Hurricanrana nearly turns into a Batista Bomb, but Dolph catches him with a Fame-Asser for a near fall.

Batista rolls out of the ring again; JBL calls it a ‘veteran instinct’, because everyone who isn’t a veteran just kind of sits there and drools at times like this. Ziggler puts Batista down with a baseball slide, and continues to lace him with punches. Cole actually got taken down by Batista going over the announce table, but went down still commentating: imagine this man in a war zone. Ziggler is honestly using Cole’s corpse to prop up Batista’s body: sick fuck. Batista tries to Batista Bomb Ziggler on the steps, but Ziggler hits a low blow, only to miss a running Fame-Asser on the steel steps, apparently injuring his leg. Michael Cole, the real victim of the night, has nothing but disdain for Dolph as Batista wins with a spear.

Okay, that was entertaining. Probably for some of the wrong reasons, but entertaining nonetheless. 3 Stars.

JBL asks if we don’t think Evolution is ready for a no holds barred match, and on the evidence of this match they’ll get beaten down a lot and then will take advantage of their opponents injuring themselves. Sound strategy. Oh, and Batista then hits Ziggler with the Batista Bomb, which is what you fucking get for making him touch Michael Cole.

We get a Bo Dallas promo, and as someone who despises vague inspirational buzz-phrases, I think the two of us are going to get along just fine.

This Isn’t What The Suffragettes Fought Against, But Probably Should Have Been

Here’s Nikki Bella, who will be handing the wrestling side of things so her twin can glare angrily at Stephanie McMahon even harder. She also has Referee Of The Year, Eva Marie, with her. They’ll be facing the Funkadactyls, in what’s known in Britain as a ‘Something For The Dads‘ match. Oh, and Summer Rae’s the special guest referee. Michael Cole says that there’s a tonne of intrigue in this match, and I just couldn’t face a world where that was true. We replay Summer Rae’s workplace sexual harassment of Fandango and her workplace bullying of LAYLA; apparently nobody on Total Divas likes Summer Rae, which is just…just a shocker.

Nikki starts off against Naomi, with Nikki hitting a fireman’s carry to wrench the arm. Kip up by Naomi, she gets whipped into the corner and kicks Nikki away. She attempts a Bubba Bomb, but Nikki fights out and hits a knee-facebuster. Summer Rae intentionally doesn’t make the count, because everyone in Creative apparently hates their bitch ex-wife. Double suplex from the Funkadactyls as Cameron tags in, hitting a terrible running facebuster, then eats a running dropkick.

Nikki tags in Eva Marie, which is a heel turn. Summer Rae refuses to make the count, so I guess they’re in a ‘Who’s The Worst Referee’ contest. Women, amIright?! *lights massive cigar and goes to play a round of golf*. Cameron gets an awful roll-up, and Summer Rae fast-counts it.

This was amusing insofar as it showed what the ‘‘‘‘‘drama””’ on Total Divas is like and also shows how far the WWE has to go when it comes to their female talent. Also Cameron managed to botch practically everything and none of them can act, so there’s that. 1 Star.

You Got Bo-ned. Wait…

Here’s Bo Dallas, and it’s time to see if those promos I’ve been sitting through for weeks has been worth it. I know, right; what could be? JBL certainly seems to be excited about it, and this guy doesn’t even have a midget. You can, however, definitely see the resemblance to Bray. He says he’s living proof that dreams do come true, and I’ll withhold judgement on that score until I see the extent of this gimmick. He says the most beautiful things in the world can only be felt in the heart, and all we have to do is ‘Bo-lieve’. Sounds simple enough, except Bo-lieve is not a real verb, therefore we cannot do it.

His opponent is Sin Cara, whose dream is probably not to be jobbing: should have Bo-lieved. They lock up, with Bo hitting an arm-drag and acting like someone just force-fed him ecstasy. Sin Cara rolls out of an arm-wrench, but Bo takes him over in a headlock, locking the arm. Sin Cara shoots him off, but gets ran-through by Dallas, who clotheslines him in the corner. Suplex to Sin Cara, then some knees dropped to the face. He’s successfully making this crowd turn on him; Sin Cara nearly gets a couple of pins, sending Bo Dallas into the corner hard. Chop to the chest, followed by Cara negotiating a backdrop to land on the apron, springboarding off the top rope to hit a headbutt, with another springboard into a splash. Handspring elbow puts Dallas down; he runs into an elbow from Sin Cara, then a kick. Sin Cara misses with a flying attack; Bo puts him down with a big clothesline, and then pins Sin with the Stratusfaction.

This was my first time seeing Bo in action, and I was happy with what he brought to the match. His gimmick certainly seems well-poised to grate on everyone around him, and he’s certainly expressive. Hopefully he can be as handled as well as his brother (a sentence that is weird as hell in any other context). 2.5 Stars.

After the match, Bo congratulates Sin Cara and tries to inspire him. Okay, I like it: really nice touch. Will we one day see his grinning, inspired cult fight the Wyatts’ singing child army? I’d buy that PPV.

We’re back from the break with the Wyatts in the ring. Brays on a chair and on the mic; he says he can feel us and hear us calling out to him. He says we don’t have to see the horrible things of the world, but evil is a very real thing. It’s called Summer Rae. Bray says we’ve become prisoners of our society, and when we raise an eyebrow, Cena’s sent in to reassure us. From a Nineteen Eighty-Four perspective, Bray’s seriously the babyface in this feud. Bray probably would have broken out of Room 101 and strangled every member of the Inner Party personally. Stay there and have sex with Julia, Winston Smith; Bray Wyatt’s got this shit. Actually, give Julia to Bray; you don’t deserve her.

We replay the beat-down of Cena on Monday. Bray says he knows that John’s scared, as he recruited the Usos to fall on the front lines. Honestly, when was the last time you heard a heel who wasn’t CM Punk talk and thought to yourself: ‘that’s actually a good point’? Bray makes some boasts along the lines of ‘the night is dark and full of terrors, and they’re all me’. And then speaks Dothraki or Klingon or Latin and starts singing. London, a city of football fans, are willing to sing pretty much anything, so join in.

An Irishman Performing For Englishmen? Like The 1800s All Over Again.

Heyman and Cesaro are on commentary. We show Cesaro’s dick move to Sheamus as the US Champ and Alberto Del Rio get into the ring. Cesaro then distracts Sheamus, allowing Del Rio to jump him. Sheamus quickly regains the advantage, whacking away at Del Rio in the corner. Alberto manages to hit a snapmare and a kick, only for Sheamus to fire back. Cesaro is speaking Italian to Michael Cole, and I should have understood more of that than I did. Cole actually intentionally mistranslates it, which is a kinda shitty move for a journalist to pull. Sheamus continues to beat on Del Rio, who catches him with an elbow, only to get caught in return to a running senton and gets clotheslined out of the ring. On the outside, Alberto shoves Sheamus into the apron and hits his step-up enzuigiri.

Back from the break, Del Rio climbs up high and comes down with a fist to Sheamus, then locks in sleeper before Sheamus misses a charge and blasts the corner. The trainer runs over, because working on Michael Cole and Ziggler has given him an inflated sense of importance, but Del Rio jumps on Sheamus to ensure that no medical attention can be given. Cesaro makes the point that people in Britain don’t like Sheamus and, honestly, we’re kind of jealous of the Irish’s fun-loving attitudes, their accents, their charm, their prowess with the ladies and, yes, still a little pissed about that whole uprising they had. You know: it’s complicated. Del Rio keeps Sheamus down as we go to another break.

Back to the action, and both men are down, but the United States Champ rises to his feet, sending Del Rio over the ropes, but Alberto lands on the apron and hangs up Sheamus. Sheamus comes back, however, with axe-handles, but Del Rio gets a backstabber. He misses the superkick and nearly gets caught with a roll-up, and Sheamus slams him with the Irish Curse. I actually had a dream last night that I was hanging out with a child who looked exactly like Sheamus: that honestly happened in my subconscious. Alberto slides out of a running senton and ducks a Brogue Kick, hitting a kick of his own to drop Sheamus, but the Irishman kicks out. Del Rio slaps Sheamus, but misses his charge and winds up on the apron so Sheamus can club the crap out of him. Del Rio again counters the running senton, locking in the cross-armbreaker. Sheamus tries to work his way over to ropes, using his feet to force a break. Cesaro tries to get involved and eats a right hand; Sheamus hits a spinning bodyslam, and then Cesaro grabs him, throwing him into the steps and hitting what Cole wonderfully calls a ‘Post-Steps Neutraliser’. Fantastic.

I really liked this match. These two have had some great bouts before, and this had a little more to it than your average SmackDown contest. 3 Stars.

Vickie’s in the ring, but she’s here to announce the debut of ADAM ROSE. I’m sold on this guy for what I’m certain are immature reasons. Although I’d happily replace his music with ‘TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!’ Vickie welcomes him to SmackDown, and he asks her if she’s a lemon, or a rosebud. Vickie doesn’t understand this hip lingo of the drug youth, and insists that she’s not a member of a lemonparty…wait… She gets mad, even though Adam Rose offers her his mollypop. His crowd of followers that only Adam Rose can see then carry her away. Now I’m hoping that Adam Rose leads his army of stoned-to-the-gills wasters on an unbalanced crusade against Wyatt’s child cult.

Renee Young is backstage with the Usos, who are still freaked out at Adam Rose’s Fear and Loathing moment. They say that they’re a real family, unlike the Wyatts. These guys must be assholes to adopted people. They then introduce John Cena, who spouts gibberish in the traditional, annoying sense of the word, in contrast to how Bray, Bo and Adam Rose do it. He says that any fool can run their mouth, and he’s the living proof of that. And can someone tell me what that chest-pound thing is? Other than a red light?

Why Bo-Lieve When You Can Bray-Live?

Here are the Usos, with their blood-relative elitism. And here’s Cena, with his terrible jokes. He’s not saying them, but they’re in there. The Wyatts follow them to the ring, and the bell rings. Harper starts off against Jey, sending him into the corner only to run into a boot. He strikes back with a right, but Jimmy gets a blind tag, coming in on a double-team only for Harper to stop him cold with a big shove. Rowan comes in, and Jimmy ducks a clothesline, heading after Rowan, driving him into the corner and tagging in Jey. They keep Rowan in the corner, and Jimmy comes in now, eventually taking Erick over the top rope with a crossbody. We go to break as the Wyatts regroup.

Back from the break, the Wyatts get back up and Rowan comes into the ring, running Jimmy’s head into the turnbuckle and tagging in Luke. Jimmy hits some strikes, tagging Jey in. Jey gets shoved back, gets a waistlock on Harper, but is backed into a corner and knocked down. Tag to Rowan; he tries a bodyslam, but Jey rolls him up in a pinning attempt; Rowan kicks out and Jey tags in Jimmy. Jimmy takes Rowan down into the corner, but is shut down again by powerful blow. Harper comes in and Jimmy catches him with a kick, only for Luke Harper to hurl him into the middle rope, neck-first.

Rowan’s back in now, with a bodyslam to Jimmy. He drives his fists into the Uso’s head as the crowd begins to sing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. Harper tags himself in, dropping elbows on Jimmy. Jimmy nearly gets a dragon whip to Harper, who manages to kick the Uso right out of the air as a counter. Clubbing blows to Jimmy’s back in the corner, only for Jimmy to kick Harper away and hit his corkscrew moonsault.

Jimmy gets the tag to Jey, who comes in hot, hitting crossbodies and clotheslines to Rowan. Big kick and a bigger Samoan drop, then he ducks Harper to hit the Samoan wrecking ball to Rowan, only to walk right into Harper’s big boot. Jimmy takes Harper out with a big kick of his own, diving through the ropes at him onto the outside. In the ring, Rowan gains his feet, missing a charge and driving himself out of the ring. Jey launches himself over the corner and ring post, taking out Rowan and then Harper with a leaping clothesline, driving Rowan into barricade on the rebound. In the ring, Jey heads up for the Samoan Splash, but Bray shoves him off the top rope for the DQ.

I like matches with the Usos. I like matches with the Wyatts. Do the math (actually, as we’re in Britain, do the maths). Both of these teams are a real pleasure to watch, and this was no exception to the rule. 3 Stars.

Cena runs into the ring, hitting an AA to the big man. Wyatt and Cena stare each other down; Bray gets up on the apron, but then gets back down. But…but why would he climb up…?

This was a fun show. Some better-than-average matches, along with some seriously entertaining moments. The Wyatt/Cena thing seemed like a last-show-before-the-PPV thing, but I’m sure they’ll have something for us next week. I’ll give this week an eight.topstory120x120- |topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for March 28th 2014: Finally Can’t Think Of A Title Sat, 29 Mar 2014 13:59:38 +0000 We’re fast approaching WrestleMania, and our journey’s been picking up steam. I’m your reviewer, David Spain, and I am just jolly excited for the PPV in just over a week’s time. It coincides with my holiday and my period of ‘doing sod-all coursework’, so that’s a bonus. Let’s get to grappling.

Xavier Woods is still on the opening graphic. This worries me.

We’re in Boston tonight, and our main event is Bray Wyatt vs. Big Show. Honestly, colour me intrigued; looking forward to seeing how Bray’s going to do it.

Where’s Your Scooby Now?

Sin Cara and Damien Sandow are already in the ring, apparently having a rematch from RAW. I believe I saw a person in a Scooby-Doo costume on Monday’s show and skipped through that whole segment.

Damien takes control, coming off aggressive as he backs Sin Cara into a corner, then hits him with a clothesline. He says we’re welcome, as if we’re all suddenly Canadians now, then hits a suplex. Strikes to the chest of Sin Cara, then a sleeper hold is locked in. Another clothesline to Cara in the corner, but he ducks a second attempt, then rolls Sandow up for the win.

Practically nothing to this, although thankfully one thing not included was a man in a dog costume. Really quick match, but it’s hardly a storyline. 1.5 Stars.

Renee Young, my pick for Lois Lane in the Batman vs. Superman movie, is backstage with the Big Show. She wants to get his thoughts about the match he’s heading into. Show gets all serious, acting as if three guys beating up one guy is something we’ve never seen before in this business. He says some of what Bray says makes sense, and that’s how they suck you in. Hah, like children. He says they’ve got a giant problem and walks away.

We relive last week’s assault on the Shield by a bunch of tag teams with nothing better to do (and the Real Americans). Well, at least we’re not recapping RAW just yet.

There’s Just No Calling This One

Speaking of the Shield, here they come. Rollins and Ambrose will be teaming together again, and Seth’s wearing his fucking wetsuit again. If he had a mask, that would be a gimp gimmick right there. Oh God, they’re facing 3MB. This is hilarious and sadistic at the same time.

Rollins starts off against Jinder Mahal, a man who holds the honour of almost feuding with Ryback and Khali. Tie-up, and the guys chain-wrestle for a while until Jinder elbows Rollins in the head, then runs right into a dropkick. Rollins hits the Three Amigos, tagging in Ambrose before the third, and Ambrose stays on Mahal, dropping feet and elbows before tagging in Rollins again. In case anyone was doubting what the Shield’s alignment was, Michael defends Ambrose’s lack of title defences. Glad we cleared that up.

Jinder manages to get a tag to McIntyre, who suplexes Rollins before actually thrusting his crotch at Reigns. Roman just looks at Drew, imagining unspeakable things. Rollins nearly gets his tag, but gets caught, backflips out of a back suplex, rolls under a clothesline and gets the tag. Ambrose comes in hot, knocking McIntyre and Mahal down. He hits some punches and a dropkick to McIntyre and sends Jinder out of the ring for Rollins to dive out on (Rollins likes that). McIntyre pushes Ambrose into the ropes, but Dean rebounds and comes straight back with a clothesline, hits the Dirty Deed and the Shield win.

Fun match to watch. Obviously, you don’t want that one looking too even, but it wasn’t a total squash and that makes it more entertaining. As always, could have done with seeing more, but I enjoyed what I did see. 2.5 Stars.

Kane’s music hits and he comes out with the New Age Outlaws, who look like they’re on their way to their own defence hearing. Kane says they’re going to do to the Shield what the Shield did to 3MB at WrestleMania. He makes a new match for right then; the Shield vs. Rybaxel. That bastard: either trying to get Ryback to injure them or Axel to wipe some of his non-notability on them.

We’re back from the break and Ryback knocks Ambrose down with an elbow as Kane and the Off-The-Rack Outlaws look on (that was a cheap shot and I’m sorry). Axel comes in off the tag and Ambrose drop toe-holds him, vining Axel’s legs and wrenching back on the head, then works over the legs. I take it back: Road Dogg looks like a public school principal. Ambrose is tossed over the top rope and knocks Ryback to the floor before Axel does the same to him. Back in the ring, Ryback comes in off the tag and bodyslams Ambrose. Tag to Axel and both men fall on Ambrose from the second rope. Ryback in now, and Ambrose reverses a delayed-vertical suplex into a DDT. Tag to Rollins, hitting a somersault neckbreaker from the second rope to Axel, following with a splash to the corner, then a boot. Rollins is flipped over the top rope, lands on the apron, dodges a headbutt; Axel ducks a kick and Rollins hits an enziguiri; he dodges Ryback on the floor and boots him in the face before Ambrose jumps on him; that was fantastic.

Axel charges at Rollins and gets backdropped over the top, then Rollins sentons out onto Ryback and Axel. The Outlaws and Kane look worried as they realise that if their match on Sunday sucks it is going to be all their fault. Back in the ring, Seth sunset flips right into a kick. Curtis goes for the Perfectplex; Rollins boots his way out of it and hits the Curbstomp for three.

Another very fun match to watch. The Shield’s run here seems very consistent with their dominance as heels, making this pre-match roll appear very natural. 2.5 Stars.

As Kane and the Outlaws look on, Rollins dives through the ropes and hits Ryback, just to be a dick. Ambrose then throws Ryback into the ring to taste a Superman Punch. Holy shit, a ‘Shield’ chant. Triple Powerbomb to Ryback, sending the message that if they can do this to four men in their prime, they can probably do it to three guys who are pretty old and stuff.

We get that advert for WrestleMania where we see a guy called Joe live his life with wrestling eras as milestones. What the hell is Joe thinking, wearing a button-down shirt over a Batista t-shirt for his date/paid-arrangement with that beautiful girl/probably a hooker?

Oh, speaking of Batista. And dressing terribly. Aw, that guy doesn’t disappoint. Well, it’s mainly the hat and glasses I take offence to; if you’re going to wear that hat, have the decency to dance on a rooftop with Julie Andrews and an unconvincing accent (‘Oi’m gaowing t’ RessleMoynya! Deel wiv it, Meery Boppins!’). Batista says that we begged him to come back when he left; lying bastard. He takes us to task for booing him and cheering for Bryan. Wow, the Bryan-love is strong in Boston tonight. He says that it’s a personal slap in the face, and speaking of slappers…slaps, it’s Stephanie McMahon and her sunglasses-seeking hand. If her kids saw that, they will never argue about bedtimes with her again. Batista says he’s leaving WrestleMania with the title, and that Stephanie hits harder than any of them.

Comparing Steph to muscular, hairy, orange men brings out her husband; it’s one of the easier demonic summons you can enact. Wow, I just saw a ‘CM Quitter’ sign in the crowd. How things change. He says why don’t they leave his wife out of this, and there’s probably a sex joke in there somewhere, but who am I to say? Batista makes the ‘you married the boss’s daughter’ crack, and Triple H responds by using the ‘Reality Era’ defence. Batista makes the point that Triple H has never beaten him, and that Hunter’s not going to stop him from winning the title. Triple H claims that Batista got where he was because of Triple H; once he got to the top he quit and left for Hollywood; now that he’s back we’ve never seen the Animal. Triple H showed the world what he could still do; when’s Batista going to do the same? Wow, this is actually…annoyingly compelling. Batista will be going one-on-one with Sheamus.

Dancing With The Stars, WWE Style

Goldust is in action here against Fandango in this weird ‘nobody knows what’s going on here’ programme. Man, how far can you fall in a year? Just ask the Miz. Tie-up and Goldust hits a shoulder block, then an armdrag. Fandango throws Goldust into the corner with a hard Irish whip, then stays on him with a headlock before slamming him back onto the mat. JBL calls winning the Andre The Giant Battle Royal a career-defining moment, that definition being ‘It Really Didn’t Work Out’. Goldust fights back with a back-suplex, ducks a clothesline to hit one of his own. Rhodes Uppercut, inverted atomic drop and then a boot to the side of the head. Goldust goes up on Fandango in the corner, reigning down punches. Fandango runs into a powerslam for a near-fall and scoots out of the ring.

On the outside, Summer Rae gets between Goldust and Fandango, a position hardly likely to be actualised, distracting Goldust for long enough for Fandango to hit a boot to the head as Goldust gets into the ring and gets the pin.

This wasn’t bad, although I’ve no idea where they’ll be wanting to go with it. Guess I’m a little bitter that we’re not getting the Rhodes Brothers match at the big show that would make a lot of sense. But hey. 2 Stars.

Triple H Likes To Make His Protégés Fight Each Other

Batista makes his way out to the ring as Triple H watches on the monitor, and then here’s Sheamus. The two men circle each other, and Batista leans out of the ring like the dominant force he is. Sheamus backs Batista into the corner and he leans out again. Batista applies a headlock, gets shot off the ropes, knocked down with a shoulder block and…ducks out of the ring.


Sheamus follows Batista, who ducks inside the ring and jumps Sheamus when he follows. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, then Sheamus comes back with some right hands before his Irish whip is reversed and he’s sent straight into the turnbuckle. Dave follows up with a clothesline, but Sheamus fights back; Batista sends him off the ropes and kicks him in the stomach before hitting a knee to the face. An Irish whip sends Sheamus into the corner, and Batista’s right behind him with a clothesline. Sheamus manages to get a boot up, but runs into a spinebuster. He signals for the Batista Bomb, but takes his time doing so and Sheamus levels him with a clothesline. Axe-handles to the face, then a shoulder thrust of his own followed up by a knee lift. Batista is in position for the clubbing forearms, but fights out, but Sheamus manages to hit them anyway before bringing him right over the ropes into a powerslam. He signals for the Brogue Kick…and Batista ducks out of the ring. What a match Sunday’s going to be… Sheamus follows Batista out and gets a steel chair in the stomach for his troubles, earning Batista a DQ.

Well, if we were supposed to see the Animal here, I didn’t. Love how we’ve still got Batista ducking out of the ring every few minutes, and I honestly can’t imagine a world in which this Sunday’s main event wasn’t a triple threat. Well, I can, but it’s awful. 2 Stars.

Batista continues his assault after the bell rings, with Triple H looking on. Back in the ring, Batista hits the Batista Bomb as Michael and JBL remind us that a triple-threat match will involve no-DQ. Oh God, another thing which can go wrong. Batista grabs the microphone, says he’s going to the champ. Because we’re worth it.

I mean…deal with it.

We get a Cena-Wyatt promo, followed up by a promo from Bray Wyatt, waxing both lyrical and fucking crazy on John Cena and the mask he wears. Really, he’s just glad to take a break from trying to build up Roman Reigns’ confidence re. Renee Young (Bray Wyatt gets his fair share of feminine attention). He says tonight, his sword will slay a giant, then he sings ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. When I was at Catholic school, one girl sang a variant where you changed the word ‘hands’ to ‘pants’. We never saw her again.

Backstage, AJ and Tamina are heading to the ring. It would be hilarious if they bumped into the Wyatts backstage, wrapping up their filming.

In our RAW recap, we watch Los Matadores fight Rybaxel until the Shield show up and wreck shit.

‘Boo, You Whore’

AJ and Tamina are in the ring and the Bella Twins arrive for a tag-team match. We’re joined by the General Manager of SmackDown, and I honestly did not know who that was until they said ‘Vickie’. AJ and Brie start off, with Brie hitting a kick to the midsection followed up by a throw; almost a release-Northern Lights suplex. She tags in Nikki, who hits a springboard knee. AJ manages to get a tag to Tamina, who catches Nikki with a Samoan Drop. Michael then defends AJ, which means all the ethical systems in the world have just burned and died. And AJ has a front-facelock on Nikki, wrapping her legs around Nikki’s waist.

Nikki manages to whirl her onto her shoulder, and AJ switches up into a sleeper. Nikki does manage to escape, but Tamina tags herself in and slams Nikki down with a clothesline. Tamina misses and splash and Brie gets the tag, taking the fight to Tamina, with a knee to the face and a missile dropkick; Tamina rolls out of the ring in the face of this as Michael thinks about JBL and Vickie’s hypothetical boning. Seriously. Brie decks AJ and Tamina decks her back, but AJ gets into Tamina’s face; Tamina shoves her, tags her, throws her in the ring and Brie gets the facebuster and the win.

Not bad at all. I continue to appreciate the fact that the Bellas can deliver a far better match than many of their contemporaries. I don’t know whether AJ or Vickie is supposed to be the bad guy here, which is good for Game of Thrones, not so great here. Fair match, though: 2 Stars.

Oh God, Emma and Santino are at a restaurant. If this doesn’t end with some kind of atomic bomb drop on that exact location, then what is the point in anything? Emma misuses the phrase ‘friends with benefits’, then mistakes Santino looking into her eyes for a staring contest…I would have less of a problem…okay, no, that’s a lie…I would have exactly this much of a problem but for other reasons with this storyline if it wasn’t for the fact that it seems like Santino wants to sleep with someone who is mentally eight years old. She then friendzones him, and he spits red wine on her and then vomits. HIGH. BROW. STUFF.

The Coveted ‘Hurry The Fuck Up’ Segment

Swagger is facing Jimmy Uso. Jack backs Jimmy into a corner, kneeing him in the stomach. Jimmy shoots him off the ropes and throws him out of the ring before diving on him. Back on the ring, Jimmy goes high, hitting a cross-body for a two, then a kick to the midsection and a calf-kick to the face. Chops to Swagger in the corner, then a Whisper in the Wind for another near-fall. Samoan Wrecking Ball is met with a chop-block to the knee, then Jack locks in the Patriot Lock and Jimmy taps.

Wow, quick match. Decent, though. 2 Stars.

We go back to RAW to watch Lesnar and Undertaker’s showdown. I recommend watching that, merely because Brock saying ‘this’ is pure, unadulterated comedy on the highest scale.

Both Of These Men Are Odds-On Favourites

Mark Henry’s in the ring following the recap, and his opponent is the Miz. Wow, the possibilities this battle royal hands us. Henry points at the WM sign and…Miz attacks him during that sacred moment? Fucking heel. He tries to toss Henry, but Mark’s going to make him pay, throwing him from corner to corner, then attempts the World’s Strongest Slam, but Miz rolls out of it, attacking Henry at the legs, finally dropkicking them out from under him. Miz continues to work the legs, then boots Mark in the face before working on the legs again.

A clothesline is countered by Mark with a boot, then a running powerslam and a headbutt. A splash misses as Miz rolls away, then he tries the Figure Four; Henry kicks him away, but Miz manages to throw him over the top rope…which totally isn’t the point. Mark pulls him onto the outside, hurling him into the barricade and steps. Back in the ring, the World’s Strongest Slam picks up the win.

Yeah, we get it: the battle royal’s important. No surprises here. 2 Stars.

Careful Bray, Big Show’s An Odds-On Favourite

Here’s Big Show, awaiting his match with Bray Wyatt, and here the Wyatts are. Bray gets into the ring after a quick cuddle with Harper and Rowan. He tries to jump the Big Show, but gets hurled away. Wyatt throws some hands, but gets thrown right out of the ring by Show. Bray comes right back at Big Show, shoving him and yelling, but Big Show throws punches, a big chop, a headbutt. Wyatt keeps on coming, fighting every step of the way until he runs right into a big boot. Bray manages to dodge the following elbow, and boots Big Show right in the face, keeping him down. He drops back-first on Big Show for a two-count, then spider-walks, which actually gets a pop.

Big Show manages to decapitate Bray with a clothesline, but Bray dodges and hits a clothesline of his own in the corner. Big Show tries for a boot, but Wyatt catches the knee and rocks it on his shoulder. Crossbody to Big Show takes him down, and Rowan distracts the referee as Harper attacks Big Show. Sister Abigail hits and gets the pin.

Interesting; as JBL said, I don’t think we thought it would happen like this. Fun to watch, though, of course, and just made me look forward to the Wyatt-Cena match more. 2.5 Stars.

It’s been a pretty decent SmackDown this week. Nothing to write home about, really, but nothing catastrophic that wasn’t Santino or Emma. Did feel like a busy week. Six out of ten.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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My Thoughts On WWE Raw 3.24.14 (Triple H, The Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, The Shield) Tue, 25 Mar 2014 22:00:13 +0000 WWE Raw 11-13 Header

1. I absolutely LOVE the fact that four former World Heavyweight Champions are wrestling a fatal four-way match on Raw to be named the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship! I’ve said ever since they unified the World & WWE Championships that either the IC championship or the United States Championship had to be built back up to a higher level. This is the perfect step in the right direction but out of the 4 potential matches that could have come out of that match, Christian versus Big E was the lowest on my list.

2. I will say this, the Scooby Doo movie is actually pretty damn good. Of course my 3-year-old son has watched the screener I received on repeat for a week straight but before I started tuning out the repetitiveness, the movie is written very well! There are inside jokes that relate both to the world of wrestling AND the Scooby Doo world. All of the wrestlers did their own voices (except for Sin Cara who only speaks “Lucha”) & they all put on a good performance. I actually hope they make a sequel to this direct-to-DVD movie.

3. I had horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE WCW Nitro flashbacks when John Cena saw the sheep’s mask in the mirror and then it wasn’t there. I’ll just leave you with this:

4. Triple H’s “sit-down” promo with Michael Cole was rather awkward the entire way though. First, I didn’t see a particular reason as to why Cole had to be in the ring for a Triple H promo. Sure, he set up some of the topics but does anyone really think Triple H needs to be walked through a promo at this point? Two things fell flat for me. One was that Daniel Bryan didn’t make an appearance at all. Even something where he was live “via satellite” would have worked better than a complete no-show. Last week’s Raw ended so hot I felt they needed to capitalize on that and two promos from Triple H, Randy Orton, Stephanie McMahon or Batista aren’t going to do the job. Secondly was Hunter’s forced attempt at trying to “name” this time in WWE history as the “Reality Era”. Aren’t times in history named AFTER they’ve taken place and not during? He said it so many damn times I wouldn’t be surprised if people come up with a different name for the time we are living in just to spite WWE TV.

5. My favorite part of Cody/Fandango was when Goldust danced over to Summer Rae who shouted “Are you mocking me?” To which Goldust simply yelled “Yes!” and they had an impromptu dance off. I don’t know what it is but Goldust looks like he’s having so much damn fun, I can’t help but laugh at things like this.

6. Before I get to John Cena versus Luke Harper, everyone needs to watch this tremendous piece of work again:

Cutting pieces like that is my actual job and unfortunately I’m not allowed as much creative liberty when working for a sports news network. But from one editor to another (whoever it was), getting the rights to that song, laying out the promos to match the lyrics and letting the video & music tell most of the story made it fantastic. Great work that deserves all the play I’m sure it will receive.

6b. Alright, back to the actual match. First off, I like how Luke Harper is getting little bits of promo time here and there. They didn’t throw him into a sink or swim scenario like so many others and this allows him to develop at his own pace. The match itself I believe exceeded a lot of people’s expectations. I’ve been saying that if they want Harper to eventually be a top heel, they need to get him going and having him work with a main-eventer is definitely the way to go. A non-finish was logical given that we are less than two weeks away from WrestleMania and the visual of Cena wearing the sheep’s mask is one that’s going to leave an impression on a ton of Cena’s fans. It was just creepy and weird enough that it probably freaked out the kids while the adults couldn’t help but be intrigued by a John Cena storyline.

7. Well if you thought the battle royal at WrestleMania XXX was going to be a clusterfuck, the Divas just stole that mantle. What are the rules? How many women are involved? Can AJ lose the title without being pinned or is it elimination? Whatever the answers may be, it’s definitely not going to be pretty.

8. So wait, is Scott Hall going into the Hall of Fame or “Razor Ramon”? I would think they would have shown SOME of his NWO days if Hall was being inducted based on his career but it seems like he’s being inducted based on the character he played. I’d pop if Rick Bognar came out to accept the award.

9. The Shield are OVER as babyfaces. This match was good but nowhere the quality of tag matches we’ve seen them put on and yet the crowd was into it for every offensive spot by them (or by Cesaro). I know they’re not ready to turn Cesaro yet, especially when the priority seems to be on when Roman Reigns will turn, but they must be chomping at the bit to have Cesaro turn full babyface. Hell, he’s already there in the fans eyes!

10. I’m confused as to why ANYONE gets freaked out when the druids roll a casket to the ring. You know The Undertaker is either in there or will be after he climbs into it from under the ring (nice directing going to the one camera that shows someone going under the ring, by the way). I’m sorry but Undertaker/Lesnar is purely senseless to me & not the huge money draw the WWE expect it to be. Now if they could only show footage of when Brock Lesnar confronted The Undertaker after Lesnar’s UFC fight…topstory120x120-×120-2013.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250-raw-2013.jpg|topstory500x250

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RAGER’S 10 Thoughts: WWE Raw 3.24.14 (Undertaker, John Cena, Batista) Tue, 25 Mar 2014 05:49:57 +0000 …And we’re back.

1. I’m so glad we got Batista’s mic sorted out so we can hear him repeat all the things he’s been saying the past couple months. Apparently, he believes Steph enjoys getting drooled on. Is that before or after the Hemsley’s watch torture porn together? I didn’t even know drooling on people was a thing people were into. Clearly I haven’t traversed the internet enough.The part that truly saved this segment was when Steph vaporized Batista’s sunglasses with her hand. She feels very strongly about not wearing sunglasses indoors.

2. The fatal 4 way was a lot of fun to watch especially when WWE threw the crowd a bone and featured a lot of great spots with Ziggler. I’m making the assumption that Sheamus will cost Christian the IC match on Main Event that’ll lead to a WM30 match. Hopefully that ends up being the pre-show match when we’re only partially paying attention to it.

3. Sin Cara comes out with someone in a Scooby Doo mascot costume which leads me to wonder which member of the Guerrero family is in the suit. Is it possible for Hunico to be both Scooby AND Sin Cara at the same time? Did JTG somehow find a way to get TV time? Maybe we’ve already witnessed the return of CM Punk. Did WWE just confirm Half Life 3? C-O-N-spiracy

4. So I’ve enjoyed the weekly interviews between Cole and HHH. However, WWE has this tendency to take something that works and try to replicate it on Raw. This is why you see so many rematches from Smackdown the very next Monday. Hell, how else would you explain Bad News Barrett? But as enjoyable as I find this interview sessions, they translate as just another talking segment when it’s put on Raw.

5. Dear Jeebus, Goldust entertains the hell out of me. Since every other cast member of Total Divas hates Summer Rae, just give her the Jo-Jo treatment and put Goldust on the show. I’d watch the pants off that show. Or at least gives his character a reality show on the network. Its a golden opportunity. You get what I did there? Hello? Is this thing on?

6. The biggest thing I took away from the Arnold segment was Hulk Adele Dazeem-ing Joe Manganiello. Also, Miz is still alive and employed…so there’s that.

7. Speaking of Smackdown rematches, John Cena vs Luke Harper. And I could see why they would want to repeat it. I wasn’t a huge fan of the mask ending but then again, I kinda rolled my eyes at the Cena in the bathroom segment beforehand. I think it might’ve been more effective if the Wyatt’s beat up Cena and do the mask thing with the lights on.

8. The Vickie Invitational is not so much an invitational as it’s a “hey, are you a Diva and can kind of wrestle?” match. Also, this has to be a battle royal, right? Also, Vickie really should’ve just said “AJ, you’re fighting all the Divas” and end it there. It’s Wrestlemania season, time is money.

9. Cesaro really is good for Swagger because I found myself actually liking him during their match against Shield. Also, at Wrestlemania, it’ll be The Shield vs Citizen Kane and the New Age Inlaws.

10. After the druids set up the coffin at the side of the ring, I noticed Brock checking the other side of the ring in case of anyone coming out from under that side. Surprisingly smart move for Lesnar, color me impressed. Also, it’s been a while since we’ve seen Undertaker do some gimmicky things with casket, I enjoyed it.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
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My Pinterest Is Piledrivers: WWE-ish List 2K14 (Alberto Del Rio, Antonio Cesaro, Dean Ambrose) Mon, 03 Mar 2014 21:44:07 +0000 Hello and welcome to My Pinterest Is Piledrivers.  I am James A. Sawyer and @todaysjimsawyer, and I will continue to futilely promote my Twitter til the day I die.  Or stop writing columns.  Whichever comes first.  Oh, and fundraiser still here.

So this is interesting.  I started this article on the 20th of January.  It is now the 28th of February.  A lot of big, big things have happened since then.  Punk.  Bryan.  Batista.  It’s going to make some of my suggestions seem petty and quaint, but nonetheless I’ll begin the article as written.  Also, since my wremix remix got a whopping zero comments last week I’ll post my wishlist with a few indie DVDs for those who like belated birthdays.

I want to see some non-PG Dean Ambrose, otherwise known as Jon Moxley.

Give Alberto Del Rio something substantial to do.

When Alberto Del Rio first came into the WWE, I thought “I have no idea who this is, but he can wrestle.”

(I love Rey’s acting in this.  “Ah!  My arm!”)

To me, Del Rio is unique in that he can scratch a lot of itches in the classic wrestler template.  He’s a mixture of the Latin Lover, Evil Foreign Heel, Asshole Rich Guy, and Arrogant “Royalty.”  You can play up any one of these traits depending on what you need.  His facial expressions, especially the best one-arched eyebrow since The Rock, are always on point.  His ringwork is amazing, and is easily some of the best in the WWE right now, which is actually saying something.

Man that was bad-ass.

“But Sawyer,” you might say, “Del Rio’s already a Royal Rumble winner, MITB winner, and two-time WWE champion and two-time World champion!”  Yeah, I know.  But his Royal Rumble victory led to an opening match job against Edge.  And his world title runs were all fairly short-lived affairs.  In my opinion, this guy needs a major program around him.  Not just “let’s put him in feuds with Mysterio and Sin Cara, ’cause… you know, Hispanic” or “let’s give him a belt for a PPV” but an actual storyarc wherein he’s a major player.  Have him replace Orton as the new corporate chosen one.  Have him win a world title and go on to well-fought matches against Bryan, Ziggler, and Punk (if he comes back).  Have him be the one to retire Christian.  Just something, because this guy is way too good to be an afterthought… or an appetizer for Batista.  As we’ve now seen since my writing of this, Del Rio is a good deal more popular than Batista.  There’s also a rumor he might be on his way out, presumably retiring.  Please don’t go, Del Rio.  Look, I even wrote a song about it.

That’s right, I was born when Reagan was president.

Realize Cesaro’s potential.  Push accordingly.

Okay, let me say this.  The way that CM Punk was misused and the WWE almost missed out on the metric ton of money and press he got them, the way that Daniel Bryan was almost forgotten about until finally, more than two years after he exploded finally getting recognition, this is the position Cesaro is in today.  How the ‘E cannot see the potential of a freakishly strong guy who speaks five languages and looks like Jason Statham’s younger brother is beyond me.  “Well what about his mic work?”

Look at that, that’s all improv.  He’s interacting with those random citizens he met while on tour there.  What he’s saying is genuinely funny, not just funny for a wrestler.  Telling the kid that when he grows up to be an architect he should replace every building?  Saying they had to sculpt a statue by the river so it would look somewhat populated?  That’s good.

They easily could’ve built the US title into a real title and had Cesaro rebrand it into a new European championship and hold onto it forever until some All-American face came along to dethrone him and reclaim it.

wwe-antonio-cesaro-authentic-t-shirt-wwe-34403710-1000-1000He even already has a cool shirt.

Since I wrote this, he’s beaten Orton clean and come close to having beaten Cena clean and was in the Elimination Chamber.  He’s getting more and more crowd support and there’s rumblings of turning him face, and I can only hope those are true and 2014 is a breakout solo year for the guy.

Don’t forget Dean Ambrose.

This guy is the next “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.  The next Jake “The Snake” Roberts.  He’s early, psycho-heel “Stone Cold” Steve Austin before he became the catchphrase shouting man of the people.  Ambrose may be the best actor in the WWE.  He makes you believe that everything he’s doing is real, and that he means everything that he says.  Honestly I could see him doing legitimate acting work as a bad guy or henchman in those new WWE movies with actual stars in them.  Or in a romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore, where he’s competing for a girl with Adam Sandler, and he just gets fed up and tosses Sandler into a wood chipper.  That’d be pretty sweet.

I know Roman Reigns has the size, and also a lot of comments on YouTube videos from lovestruck women, and Seth Rollins has the flashy moves, but Ambrose is ten pounds of charisma in a five pound bag.  He’s the rare heel that can lose but not lose face as he’s just so damn good at what he does.  This guy should be in main event feuds by the end of this year.

Please don’t use Hogan to squash your talent.  Or at all.

As of this writing, it’s being reported that Hogan has a verbal agreement to work with the WWE.  Because of course he does.  Look, I’m sure Hogan has convinced you that the fans would really love to see him leg drop Cesaro at Wrestlemania and a man in the prime of his life selling the simplest possible move by a guy old enough to be his dad would be good for business.  It wouldn’t.  If you must, have him host a show on the WWE Network about the 1980s and tell him not to bury everyone that’s not Hulk Hogan too much.

And since this writing it’s reported he’s hosting Wrestlemania.  Great.  Of course.  Getting an A-list actor in one of the most popular franchises in the world was just a trailer for getting the star of “Thunder in Paradise.”  How would Hogan work as a host anyway?  “Hey brother, didja like that last match?  Well here’s another one!”

Here’s one for the live audience…

Step your game up.

This will be an interesting one to see as when this is published, RAW will be in Chicago, the very vocal hometown of one CM Punk.  I’ve been kinda surprised at the lack of hijacking, at least in regards to him.  And I was quite disappointed in the crapping of a fine match between Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt just because it was a slower-style match.  However, points to the Del Rio support and the adoption of “Boo-tista.”

The WWE is in a very weird place right now.  The Network is very exciting, Cesaro and The Shield are involved in prominent spots and there’s some amazing talent in NXT right now like Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville.  But… a lot of the booking seems to be operated out of spite, or in contempt of the audience.  Simple booing won’t work, as that might just let them pretend that was the plan the whole time.  What might work?  Silence.  Simple golden silence.  If Wrestlemania XXX does feature Batista vs Orton?  Sit on your hands.  Don’t cheer, don’t boo, get refreshments, leave to beat the traffic.  Nothing sends a message like wrestling in what sounds to be an empty arena.

Six weeks ago this might’ve been the end of my column, but luckily for me the WWE has been making more mistakes than a Monopoly player on meth, so I get to stretch this column out to two parts.  I could use the extra space anyway until I start getting indy access and I can finally wean off the McMahon teat.  Ugh.  On that image I’ll leave you.topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg |topstory120x120

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RAGER’S 10 Thoughts: WWE Raw 2.17.14 (Cesaro, John Cena, Big E) Tue, 18 Feb 2014 05:40:24 +0000 1. So Christian is apparently a heel now? Is that something that developed on Smackdown or is he just operating under Alicia Fox rules?

2. Seems like WWE was tempted to use Daniel Bryan for the entire first hour of the show. I’m not complaining because it’s Bryan because he can carry two straight matches. However, this Kane business is making me believe further that Daniel Bryan will lose at EC due to authority shenanigans and get the match that CM Punk was suppose to have at WM.

3. I can be pretty cynical when it comes to certain comedy bits. Team Friendship was great because there were spots or jokes here and there that were genuinely funny but still had really great matches so I was completely on board. Anything involving Santino is usually full-on “wackity-schmakity-do” type of comedy that just annoys the life out of me (although I do realize that most of it isn’t meant for people my age or older). So now this stuff with Santino and Emma is just not doing anything for me even thought I’ve heard plenty of people talk about Emma and how good she is. Maybe she is and I’ll just see in time but for now, her dumb arm dance just angers me.

4. Roman vs Mark Henry was an impressive match. I don’t mean that Mark Henry was impressive in ANY way but it was impressive in the sense of how Roman was able to move that mass of humanity with such ease. Kayfabe or not, we’ve seen Cena and Ryback struggle to lift Mark Henry within the past year and now you have Roman who lifts him up in a Samoan Drop with about as much struggle as I have pickup up one of the many cookies I consume on a regular basis.

5. Big E had a 2-on-1 handicap match against 2/3MB and yet I still considered it a handicap match in Big E’s favor. Also, everything in this match was incredibly awkward. Perhaps some of it might be Zeb’s commentary over the live mic or more likely due to the terribleness that is Jinder and McIntyre. All I know is that Big E is great in so many ways so I know it can’t be his fault. Right, guys?

6. Cesaro and Cena was a really good match and further to prove the idea that Cena can actually pull out a good match every now and then when given the right opponent. And sure, winning over Cena would’ve been huge for Cesaro but considering Cena probably is going to look unstoppable leading up to WM30. If they were actually considering Cesaro to win at EC then WWE might have entertained the idea of him winning over Cena. Honestly, I’m just glad Cesaro has gotten this mini-push just before Mania…or at all.

7. Full disclosure, when I saw the graphic of The Wyatt Family vs Los Matadores and Sin Cara, I began to laugh loudly and uncontrollably because it’s becoming painfully obvious that WWE is running out of jobbers to feed the Wyatt’s.

8. So the main event was a rematch between two guys that were involved in a match the night after WM29 in which the crowd infamously shat on and cheered when Big Show came out to end it. You would think after that legendary night, that match would simply be forever retired…maybe retired is the wrong word…banned? Orton and Sheamus have the chemistry of a sandwich that’s made up of old cookie dough and arsenic between two slices of disappointment.

9. Why did Shield interrupt the main event? One could argue that the matchup was a crime against humanity and an injustice that was in dire need of being corrected. They are all three Batman. I suppose I could’ve named other members of the Justice League depending on which closely resemble each member of Shield. However, everybody involved in Justice League not named Batman is pretty lame. Get over it.

10. Batista shoved a man wearing a neck brace. #NotAFace

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
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Sin Cara News: WWE Contract Status, Future Plans Sun, 26 Jan 2014 23:00:13 +0000 After landing in WWE to much fanfare, Sin Cara (real name Luis Ignascio Urive Alvirde) is reportedly not expected to re-sign with WWE when his contract ends in March.

Alvirde, who was known as Mistico in CMLL in Mexico, is also not expected to return to CMLL, as he left on bad terms. CMLL even went as far as to re-cast Mistico as a new person.

WWE has since re-cast Sin Cara permanently as Hunico, and is continuing on without Alvirde.

He is now expected to be signing with AAA in Mexico.

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NXT Yellow Ropes Report 1.23.14 (Neville, Rusev, Cesaro) Sun, 26 Jan 2014 21:22:50 +0000 The Glimpse:

Bo Dallas wants to celebrate his long standing NXT Title reign with his Bo-lievers.

The Action:

Match 1: Adrian Neville vs Wesley Blake

Winner:  Adrian Neville via pinfall

A guy that’s never been seen before against a top title contender?  That doesn’t bode well for the cowboy.

Neville is quick to an arm wrench, then has to roll out of one from Blake.  Neville goes to to a headlock takeover then levels Blace with a shoulder and an arm drag.  Blake grabs the hair to get free but eats a back drop and a second rope missile dropkick.  Chop in the corner drops Blake to his knees, who stops the next chop attempt with a quick boot.  Blake drives shoulders into Neville but the high flyer kicks his come back into high gear with forearms and a low dropkick.  Neville heads right up top and lands the Red Arrow dead on to win it.

Devin Taylor brings in the BFFs – Summer Rae, Charlotte and Seltzer Banks (I listened to it 10 times – She absolutely said Seltzer).  Devin reminds Charlotte about her attack on Bayley.  Charlotte touts that she’s a Flair and rides jets and such.  Charlotte’s eyes are completely dead throughout this and it’s sincerely frightening.  Summer says it’s time for the BFFs to rise and says that Natalya isn’t really a diva.  That accomplished basically nothing.

Match 2:  Xavier Woods vs Alexander Rusev

Winner:  Alexander Rusev via submission

Woods making this Funky intro, without the Funkadactyls, while Tensai (half of the team he stole this music from) watches and cheers him on is wonky.  Lana announces Rusev, who is now sporting more traditional trunks, which matches with the style he’s worn on the WWE house show road.

Woods uses his speed to open up early and finally ground Rusev with a dropkick.  Rusev immediately powers Woods to the mat with a big right hand.  Rusev mounts and drops rights on Woods.  Rusev puts Woods in the corner and kicks at his legs, then lands a round kick to the face for two.  Rusev stands on Woods’ head and pulls at his arm, which the ref starts a count on for some reason.  The ref gives up and Woods starts fighting back.  Huge flurry of strikes from Woods and a shining wizard for two.  Rusev shoves him to the ropes and hits a jumping side kick, followed by the Accolade which Woods taps out to immediately.

Rusev doesn’t release until Lana says so, then puts the Accolade right back on.  For some reason, Sin Cara’s music hits and he makes the save.  Cara takes Woods toward the back.  This is like Universe Mode just got turned on in WWE 2k14 or something.  How utterly random.

Match 3:  CJ Parker vs Antonio Cesaro

Winner:  Antonio Cesaro via pinfall

I hope the end game of this match is Cesaro lands such a brutal European uppercut that it knocks the gimmick out of Parker.  There cannot be a person around who gives the slightest crap about this gimmick, especially as he’s supposed to be a babyface.

Clean break and Parker throws a peace sign.  Parker tries a senton after an arm wringer and gets knees to the back.  Soccer kick to the back from the Real American then a huge back body drop.  Cesaro clamps on a chinlock which Parker tries to escape by humping the air.  Parker boots Cesaro on another back drop attempt then hits a Harlem side kick.  Shotgun knees in the corner from the moonchild followed by a high cross body for two.  Parker takes Cesaro up for an airplane spin and comes out dizzy, but Cesaro is perfectly fine.  Quick crack of the neck and it’s time for the Cesaro Swing.  Neutralizer follow up is more than enough to seal the deal.

Sami Zayn comes out on a crutch before Cesaro can celebrate too much and says that his 2013 was a banner year.  Zayn points out that his 2/3 falls with Cesaro was one of the best matches of the year, but he needs to fix the result.  Sami wants a rematch and Cesaro walks up the ramp to deliver an emphatic “no”.

Devin Taylor welcomes Miz to NXT and he’s at a catchphrase in 5 seconds flat.  He says we might need a Miz TV.  Parker says he doesn’t understand why he gets booed.  Miz is at catchphrase number 3 with the “really” shtick.  He says Parker is full of disrespect.  For his trouble, he gets slapped by a hippie.  NXT seems like a great place for Miz to hone his craft a bit.  Honestly, my throat gets tight when he starts spewing his Miz TV nonsense and the false bravado behind it.  He’s full of “get the **** off my TV” heat…the bad kind of heat.

Match 4:  Natalya vs Summer Rae

Winner:  Natalya via submission

Despite being in the back for the chat with Devin, Charlotte doesn’t come out with Summer and Sasha.

Nattie with a quick headlock takeover then she nips up out of a headscissors.  Natalya bridges out of a jackknife pin and powers out of a backslide attempt, then runs over Summer and hits a low dropkick.  Summer sends Natalya to the ropes and hits a spin kick for two.  Summer locks in an Indian deathlock then sits up over Natalya for leverage…which backfires as Nattie rolls her over to break it.  Summer tags her with a back elbow and works Nattie’s leg on the rope Bret Hart-style.  Summer goes for another launch onto Natalya’s knee, but she launches her to the floor with her leg.  Summer throws a fit on the floor then walks into a drop toe hold.  Natalya hits a snap suplex and a clothesline but ducks too soon for a back drop.  Summer ducks a discus lariat and tries another spin kick, but Natalya catches her leg and straps on a Sharpshooter to win it.

Devin welcomes Cass and Enzo this time to give an update on Enzo’s leg.  Aiden English interrupts and dismisses Devin.  English begins to warm up to sing and Enzo runs his foot over.  Yeah, that’ll be enough to keep a rivalry going.

Bo Dallas Banner Raising Ceremony

Bo makes up chants that the crowd showers him with.  Having the longest reign with a title that only two others have held isn’t really that impressive when you sit there and name those two.  Bo thanks random people that are “in the crowd for him”.  The 224 day banner is unveiled.  Now, that doesn’t really make sense since the reign is…you know…still going on.  Neville reenters the scene and looks like he’s smelled something terrible.  Neville isn’t out here to congratulate Bo; he’s here on behalf of everyone to tell Bo to shut up.  Neville says he plans to take the NXT title from around Bo’s waist.  Bo says he could beat Neville faster than it took Neville to beat the “nobody” he pinned to earn his title shot.  Triple H sends a feed to the Titantron and settles this with a big IF – If Neville can last 4:45 in a match with Bo, he gets his NXT Title rematch live on the WWE Network.

Match 5:  Bo Dallas (NXT Champion) vs Adrian Neville, Beat the Clock challenge

Winner:  Adrian Neville via beating the clock

Bo rushes Neville in the corner and gets slapped.  Repeat in the other corner followed by a beil from Neville.  Neville tosses Bo to the floor, who sweeps his leg and throws him out.  Neville dodges a repeat, but Dallas sweeps him to the floor using the apron and tries for the easy countout win.  Neville slides in at 9 and Bo pounces on him.  Suplex and a two count for the champ, then a series of knee drops and another two.  Bo pressures Neville in the corner then scoop slams him for two.  Dallas hits a series of short arm back elbows until Neville ducks one and lays in kicks.  Neville hits his forearms, sole butt and low dropkick.  Neville wants Red Arrow, but Dallas rolls to the floor with 30 seconds on the clock.  Neville watches the clock and mocks the champ, then tosses him to the floor and dives out to beat the clock in simple fashion.

Bo tries a cheap shot and puts himself into the ringpost, so Neville puts some punctuation on the match with Red Arrow and a visual pin.

The Reaction:

Weird to have Neville kick off the show with a glorified squash.  Neville continues to show that he has the best shooting star press in the business, plus he throws a corkscrew in AND lands it dead on every time.  These guys are really learning that “WWE style”, with Neville having his comeback down (see Match 5).  Forearms, gut shot, low dropkick to head.  Every time.  Is this a bad thing?  Not necessarily.  But it gets so predictable when we see it out of guys like Bryan and Punk as well who are capable of stringing together more than just the same thing each time.

Rusev dominates and wins decisively, then Sin Cara spawns in NXT to save Woods with no warning.  I don’t even know what the point of that is.  Rusev is likely to be main roster-bound quite soon.

I’m fine with Cesaro coming in every week and swinging a goof around.  Parker isn’t over at all, his airplane spin draws boos – There needs to be a change and soon.  Oh hey…they’re doing it.

Good amount of offense from Summer this match.  Seems like working with Natalya and Sara del Rey is proving useful, because this isn’t the Summer we saw months ago.  This is competence and understanding of where she is in the ring.  That’s real, honest progress and I applaud it.  Shy of her dumping herself on her head at the end of the match there, that was pretty solid.

So uh…why is JBL even the general manager at this point?  Tell Steph to get the sand out of her vajayjay about a hand in her face that improved a segment 10 fold and get us Dusty back.  Seriously, what a petty pile of crap.  At least that explains the jobber match Neville had earlier in the show.  That’s about what I expected from a boisterous Beat the Clock challenge, and that’s just fine.  Predictability is not necessarily a bad thing.  Launching NXT’s live status on the WWE Network with a babyface title change, soon after the heel champ raises his banner is a great idea and one I expect them to execute.  Now typically that would mean Bo Dallas is heading to the main roster, because that’s how developmental works.  Do I want to see Bo on Raw/Smackdown on a weekly basis?  Nope.  And that’s a bad place for him to be.

The Preview:

Next week?  No idea.  The first live NXT?  A huge title match and a great opportunity for the man that gravity forgot.

The Shill:

As always, if you like what you read here, let me know in the comments or on twitter @sbfantom.  I sincerely would like to hear what people think and strike up some conversation!topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 10th 2014: There’s A Royal Rumble Soon, Right? Sat, 11 Jan 2014 11:51:08 +0000 Well, it’s been a busy week, and I am still entombed under the colossal structure I’ve termed ‘Coursework Mountain’, buried so deep I could legally change my name to ‘Dolph Ziggler’, so it’s time to crack open a Corona and watch partially-nude men grab each other.

We kick things off with a Wyatt promo: bless you, WWE. I swear, I don’t know how Creative came up with the character of Bray Wyatt. He is spooky in a way that is not entirely (for me) explicable, and if nothing else (and there’s plenty else), both the concept and Rotunda’s portrayal are truly excellent.

The Wyatts’ Teleportation Would Probably Be Useful Mid-Match, You Know

We kick off again with a fucktonne of fireworks (metric, not imperial), and this summons the Usos. They’re going to be in tag-team action against the two members of the Wyatt Family who are unencumbered by storylines. I don’t know what the folks in the arena see (anyone who’s been to a live show for this, feel free to clue me in), but their teleportation no jutsu entrance is something I find highly effective. It’s going to be Harper to start off against Jimmy, and he leads with the strikes. Jimmy fights back; Jey gets a blind tag and they get the big man reeling with a combination of kicks. Jimmy’s back in, and he runs the hell into an uppercut. Tag to Erick Rowan, keeping up Harper’s game striking game; Jimmy tries for a sunset flip; Erick turns it into a leg-drop; Jimmy moves out of the way and kicks Rowan right in the face: fantastic sequence. It doesn’t help, however, and Jimmy gets pancaked.

Jimmy gets laid over the turnbuckle (only not in the Deliverance sense of the phrase), and Erick hammers on him before tagging in Luke. The fact that the crowds imitate his ‘yeah-yeah-yeah’ thing is hilarious to me, although it’s probably bullying. Frequent Wyatt tags, and Jimmy tries to get through Rowan, but Harper knocks down both Jimmy and Jey. ‘NO!’ chant starts, and we get flickering shots of some old guy at ringside (this was unexplained: probably something to do with the apocalypse). Rowan’s back in and he is just wrenching back on Jimmy’s head across the ropes. Jimmy tries to build momentum, but Erick doesn’t give him a chance, hitting a fallaway slam and tagging Harper. Jimmy keeps trying to get away, but the Wyatts specialise in stopping things like that. The beating continues amidst the tags; these Wyatt Family beatdowns are about as gruesome as you can get in this era, but Jimmy hits a corkscrew moonsault to put down Rowan. Both men do the crawl and both tag out. Jey comes in hitting anything with a beard, taking it to Harper with kicks and a Samoan Drop. Kick to Rowan, sending him off the apron; Harper hits a bodyslam; Jimmy breaks up the pin and gets tossed. Harper charges Jey and gets thrown over the top, only to have Jey dive on him.

Rowan jumps Jey as he tries to get Harper into the ring; Jimmy leaps onto him and Luke clotheslines Jimmy as the ref counts to ten: double count-out.

Really good match, though at this point that’s hardly surprising. Both teams could do very well with the titles, but I’d rather see them on the Usos; their movement in the ring is very different and they make matches exciting. 2.5 Stars.

Harper and Rowan decide that it’s mugging time, but Jimmy manages to save Jey before the damage can be done…only for Bray and Bryan (Brayan?) to teleport behind them and help with the beat-down. In the ring, Bryan hits the CENASLAYER on Jey, and Jimmy takes a Sister Abigail. Then Bryan lies Jey on top of Jimmy, like the Wyatt Family is now a drunken frat house. Rowan should have taken a photo of it and uploaded it to Facebook: ‘Guess J + J r close even 4 brothers LOL!!!!!’

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is standing next to the plinth holding Kane’s mask (which is in every arena for what reason?), when Randy ‘Title-Bra’ Orton shows up. He wants to speak to the McMahons, and complains about the ‘Best For Business’ catchphrase: Face. Turn. This Monday, he’ll give the Authority a piece of his mind (in Stephanie’s purse).

Well, here’s Miz to interview the Big Show. Doesn’t he remember what happened the last time? Or was Show’s punch that hard? We replay the Breaking of Henry’s Arm by the Beast Brock Lesnar and the subsequent tossing of the same. I wish they’d stop making a big deal out of this: if a big guy throws a smaller guy, that’s kind of expected in wrestling. That’s why we all got excited when Lesnar F-5’d the Big Show. The first time. Eleven years ago.

Miz brings out the Big Show and does his Lois Lane schtick. Show says that there’s only so much crap a guy can take, despite the fact that both times Lesnar was essentially defending himself from an assault by the World’s Strongest Man. Does Lemony Snicket write the WWE Universe’s laws of morality? He (Big Show, not Lemony Snicket, although I’d order that PPV) challenges Brock to a fight, which brings out Heyman. Are we getting no Lesnar on SmackDown? Because that’s not fair. Match is made for Royal Rumble, and Heyman says that if Show wants a fight before that, Lesnar won’t be a hard man to find (as long as you don’t look for him on SmackDown).

We get a promo for the WWE Network. Are any of us so obsessive that we would use every feature of this service? And did they have to use DX and Austin, famously the most anti-authoritarian folks around, to stand side-by-side with the corporate people for this hype-up? I know it makes perfect sense for the advertising, but it does seem a little off. Now Austin’s rebelliousness is channelled through wearing a hat indoors and refusing to tuck in his shirt.

Other Contenders For Zeb’s Sign: ‘Down With This Sort Of Thing'; ‘Careful Now’

We return to the present (which was actually taped before that previous segment) to see Mysterio in the ring with Hunicara and Los Matadores. They will be facing the Real Americans and Goldberfect. Los 1 is in the ring with Axel and snapmares him before Axel comes back with a bodyslam. Shoulder tackle, but Los 1 gains the advantage by…I actually don’t know. Headstand in the corner by 1, then a headscissors and the tag to 2. 2 comes in with a dropkick, but Axel drives him into the Heel Corner, and Cesaro comes in. Uppercut and a bodyslam by Cesaro, but 2 hits a headscissors and springboard back-elbow. 1 gets the tag, then Sin Cara. On the other side, so does Ryback. Time to find out if that mask really is cursed. And if it’s not, Ryback’ll probably injure him anyway. Hunicara does the smart thing: not letting Ryback hit any moves and tags out to Mysterio. 619 is attempted, but Ryback wants none of it.

Back from break, Swagger is laying into Mysterio, but the Swagger Bomb is countered as Rey gets the boots up. Everyone interferes; Rybaxel gets tossed; Matadores dive out onto him, as does Torito; JBL again considers buying a person in a costume ON A KIDS’ SHOW. Mysterio escapes a Patriot Lock, tries for the 619 and gets caught and slammed. Hunicara breaks up the pin before taking Cesaro out to the outside; Swagger goes for the gutwrench, but is hurricanrana’d into the ropes, 619’d, splashed and pinned. No Sin Caras were hurt in the making of this match, and we are all just surprised as hell about that.

Call it my lack of interest in most of the people in this match, but I didn’t enjoy it. It wasn’t all that exciting, and it doesn’t help that most of it involved Los Matadores either. 1.5 Stars.

One Belt: Weaker Than Two Belts

Orton approaches the ring first, followed by Langston. The two men tie up and struggle, but Langston backs Orton into the corner. Orton gets a headlock, but Big E shoots him off and shoulder-blocks him; Orton rolls out. Back in the ring, Randy ties up again; Langston gets him in a headlock, runs the ropes and knocks Orton down again. Randy now tries striking, bring Langston down to the mat as he hammers him. Orton keeps up with strikes, but Langston manages to score again with a shoulder block and hits some strikes of his own. Orton’s driven into the corner and continues to be beaten down before he brings his knee up, knocking Langston down and keeping him down: lots of strikes in this match…and as I say that, Langston hits two backbreakers. Thanks, E. Orton comes up swinging, but there’s no stopping the Big E Express, and Randy heads to the outside again.

Langston’s sick of this, however, and heads out after Orton, slamming him against the barricade like a muscular, black Enjolras. Back in the ring, E’s taking it to Orton on the apron, but a shoulder thrust goes astray and Langston falls to the outside. Orton mocks him as the count begins, then when Langston beats the count he stays on him, stomping a mudhole all around the ring. Sleeper hold’s placed on Langston and JBL tells Cole that stomping on a man isn’t ‘playing mindgames’. Langston breaks out, but Orton puts him down with a knee and it’s back to the sleeper. Well, it wasn’t on for long enough last time. Langston fights out again, but Orton throws him out of the ring to the outside and follows him; Langston’s head meets the steps and he gets thrown back into the ring. Third sleeper. Langston gets whipped into the corner, but explodes into Orton, knocking him down. Big E’s fired up now, hitting a belly-to-belly and a Warrior Splash. He tries to lift Orton, but the Viper hits his backbreaker and his DDT. He signals for the RKO, but Langston pushes him aside and shmushes him in the corner. Thumb to the eye from Orton, then the RKO and the win.

Quality match. Big E impressed here, but I’m happy to see that Orton did get in some offence and didn’t rely entirely on underhand tactics. 2.5 Stars.

Back in the usual hangout spot, we see the four-man Wyatt Family. The Shield and Punk are muttering about there being ‘too many people down here now’ and giggling over the photo of the Usos. Meanwhile, Bray babbles like an incoherent Shakespeare on acid, but then Bryan bellows ‘LIIIIIEEEE’ at the top of his voice; off-camera, Seth Rollins jumps into Roman Reigns’ arms in fright.

You Really Love These Dancing Rivalries, Don’t You, Creative?

Seems that Xavier Woods will be wrestling Fandango, and isn’t giving time to this match neglecting the pivotal Sandow/Khali rivalry? Armdrag by Fandango, then a headlock from Woods, he runs the ropes and hits a headscissors. Fandango comes back, tossing Woods out of the ring, and then he dances. Woods comes back in the ring, rolling Fandango up for the pin in the process.

Not much to say, really. Truth and Woods’ entrance was really quite impressive, though. I’d have been happy for the match to continue, considering what both men could bring. 1.5 Stars for brevity.

After the match, Summer Rae gets in Woods’ face over that clean and legitimate victory, and the Funkadactyls assault her. Fandango beats on Woods, but Truth makes the save and the two hit a double-dropkick to send him running.

An interviewer visits the Usos, and in the UK we only send reporters into a locker room of Samoans if we want him eaten. He asks ‘what went wrong out there’ and, at a guess, I’ll say it was the fact that it was a four-on-two handicap involving an undefeated guy and a former world champion. The Usos seem fired up for their match on RAW, though, which hopefully means there’ll be a bit of a spotlight on it.

Yeah, I Go Into Fights Backed Up By Old Men Too

The Shield are in the ring, and Roman reads the list of the characters in WWE Legends’ House, then proclaims himself the new ‘Best In The World’. Dean takes the microphone and spouts solid gold regarding Jake and Damien; can we just commission Ambrose and Wyatt to write songs? Seth calms him down and rips on the New Age Outlaws and Punk.

Billy Gunn and Road Dogg make their entrance, as does CM Punk, and it looks to be Punk and Ambrose to start out here. They tie up, with Punk backing Ambrose into the corner. They tie up again; headlock takeover; Punk wraps the head and Ambrose kicks out; headlock takeover by Punk and a tag to Road Dogg. Dogg makes the tag to Gunn; Ambrose tags in Rollins and Rollins gets arm-dragged and Gunn works the arm before tagging in Road Dogg. Punk comes in, dropping the elbow on the arm. Cole calls Rollins ‘the architect’ of the Shield. So, Seth builds the dream; Ambrose and Reigns perform the extraction. Ambrose is tagged in and is caught by a drop-toehold. Punk wrenches back on the leg. Ambrose backs Punk up into the corner, throwing hands before Punk comes back and Ambrose ducks out of the ring. Seth tries to jump Punk; Punk gets him up for the GTS; Reigns pulls Rollins away; Punk rolls past the two of them and the Outlaws score with some punches. Reigns is sent out of the ring by the Outlaws and it’s a stand-off.

Back in the ring, Ambrose and Punk circle each other again and tie up. Punk’s backed into the corner and Rollins is tagged in. Punk nearly gets a small package, but Rollins kicks out. Tag now to Reigns, who lays a beatdown upon Punk, wrenching back on his arm. Punk fights back, hitting a dropkick and tagging in Road Dogg; the two hit a double hip toss on Reigns, but Roman overpowers Road Dogg and tags in Ambrose, who chokes him on the ropes. Road Dogg comes back with hands, dropping some, dare I say it, vintage Road Dogg on Ambrose before he tags out and Rollins catches Road Dogg with a flying knee. Reigns comes in, hammering on Road Dogg before tagging in Ambrose. Dean throws some hands before imitating Road Dogg’s punches and hitting a dropkick, followed up by another from a tagged-in Rollins.

Seth locks a sleeper in on Road Dogg, who fires up and fights his way out, but Rollins hurls him into the corner and keeps on the heat, stomping and wrenching the face. Tag to Ambrose and then Reigns, both of them smacking Road Dogg around like they suspect he’s selling mermaid babies (this is an intense and violently-solved problem where I live). Dogg finally scores with a DDT on Reigns, but Roman makes the tag first. Rollins knocks Gunn off the apron, but Punk ducks a wild punch, Road Dogg backdrops Rollins and Punk gets the tag. Ambrose and Punk are in the ring, with Punk knocking the hell out of Ambrose, hitting a neckbreaker and a crossbody. GTS attempt, but Ambrose scoots out of it and both men collide. Both Punk and Ambrose tag in Gunn and Reigns respectively. Gunn knocks Reigns down with a boot and sends Rollins for a tilt-a-whirl slam. Hell, Gunn looks pretty good. Suplex to Roman; Road Dogg is tossed out of the ring. GTS attempt on Ambrose, but he slides out and Punk dives onto Rollins. Gunn tries for the Fame-Asser on Ambrose, but Reigns catches him with a spear mid-jump for the three.

Very fun match. Obviously the nostalgia kick was there, but both Outlaws looked great here. Punk and the Shield, of course, is definitely a help, as ever. 3 Stars.

I rather enjoyed this SmackDown. I was expecting more of a build to the Rumble itself, as opposed to just Batista being hyped for it, but maybe they do have a plan (wow, typed that with a straight face). In any event, that was a fun show with some good matches. Seven out of ten.topstory120x120- |topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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CB’s Slant: CB and Swayze’s WWE WrestleMania XXX Card, Match Listings and Some Results Sat, 04 Jan 2014 16:40:20 +0000 Here’s what myself and Swayze came up with during an impromptu discussion for our desired WrestleMania XXX card. This is based on what we want to see more than what might actually happen, though we did make sure all of the big names that will be on the card are booked:

The below matches are in order of how they would appear on our show, along with some of the match results we feel must happen to make this a great night:

Preshow Match on YouTube: Over-the-Top Battle Royal for merged IC/US title shot on the actual show

By this time, we feel like Big E Langston should be the Unified United States/Intercontinental Champion. The winner of this Battle Royal gets to face Big E on the big show for the unified title.

This also enables anyone who didn’t make our official card to get a spot on the pre show. We didn’t have room for folks like Damien Sandow, etc., so they can just be in this battle royal.

Our result for this one is that Dolph Ziggler wins, eliminating Christian last to set up Big E vs. Ziggler later on.

CB and Swayze’s WrestleMania XXX Card and Match Listings

1. RVD and Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara and Alberto Del Rio

2. Unified IC/US Title Match: Big E Langston (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

3. 3-Way Elimination Match: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

This will be a 3-Way Elimination Match showcase that puts the spotlight on all of the now ex-Shield members as singles wrestlers. The crowd would definitely buy into this one and it would be a fascinating dynamic to watch unfold on the biggest stage of them all.

4a. Divas Title Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Natalya Neidhart

4b. Natalya Neidhart vs. The Miz (after Sheamus vs. Miz canceled)*

*For this one, we figure The Miz can make fun of all of the Divas after Brad Maddox or Vickie or someone tells him his match with Sheamus was canceled to make sure all of the title matches on the card have enough time. Sheamus would be cool with the decision, saying that the Divas title match should be allowed the time, but Miz just won’t let it go.

So, after the Divas match ends, Miz comes out and berates both AJ and Natalya and all of the Divas division. Natalya decides to stand up to Miz, call him names and then slap him. Nattie then says she could beat Miz herself, Madddox or Vickie run out and make the match, and with Sheamus and all of the Divas surrounding the ring, Nattie beats Miz with The Sharpshooter.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Miz get his ass kicked by a strong woman like Nattie? Plus this gets a bunch of Divas on the show.

5. Big Show, Sami Zayn and The Prime Time Players vs. Randy Orton and The Wyatt Family

Sami Zayn (El Generico) gets the rookie slot that Fandango got last year. He shines in this match while Orton — who is pissed he lost out on the big title match — and The Wyatts act like total merciless monsters. Ultimately, Orton and The Wyatts win, though they are not happy about it because they all have huge chips on their shoulders for whatever reasons develop between now and WrestleMania XXX.

6. Tag Titles Match: William Regal and Antonio Cesaro vs. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (c)

7. Ryback, Curtis Axel and Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs. Los Matadores and El Torito

Pre-Main Event Segment: Bad News Barrett and a Very Special Guest

After Match 7 ends, Bad News Barrett comes to the ring to survey the damage and then he says a few disparaging things about the previous match participants, the crowd and this country.

Suddenly, the lights go out and the song hits … “I am a Real American……..” and there he is, HULK HOGAN.

The crowd just ERUPTS for Hogan as he slowly walks down to the ring, soaking it all in.

By this time, Barrett is the only one in the ring, and Hogan then waits for the crowd to die down — of course it never does — before addressing Barrett.

Hogan then starts up: “I got some bad news for you brother, Hulk Hogan is back Jack…” and then they go back and forth a couple of times as the crowd just eats it up.

Then, Barrett tries to cheap-shot Hogan, Hogan blocks it, points to Barrett, “YOU!” and BAM, he knocks down Barrett, hits the last Leg Drop of his career, the crowd continues to go wild, and then we fade out to the next pre-match package.

8. WWE World Heavyweight Title Fatal Four-Way Match: CM Punk vs. John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Batista

This could have been broken up into two singles matches, but to save room on the card and to make it more interesting at the top we let it go as a Fatal Four-Way. As for the champion going in, let’s say Orton escapes the Rumble as Champ but then loses to Brock Lesnar at Elimination Chamber. Orton then loses his rematch on Raw the next night, where Big Show costs him. After all The Authority put him through, Show wanted to make sure he ruined their previously hand-picked face of the WWE. This can then set up the Show and partners vs. Orton and Wyatts tag match that we placed earlier on this Mania card.

The key here is that CM Punk will WIN the match and become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, regardless of what else happens. We figure that if it’s not going to be Daniel Bryan winning the title, then it should be Punk. As for Bryan…

9. Daniel Bryan vs. The Undertaker

That’s right, we decided on THE BEARD vs. THE STREAK for WrestleMania XXX, something that Taker himself is actually calling for. And if Taker really does want this match to happen, I have a feeling he’ll get it.

Again, I’d personally prefer to see Bryan leave Mania as the WWE World Champion, but if that truly isn’t in the cards and the Undertaker wants to battle him, then that’s just as big of a prize as the title match anyway.

As for the result, you can debate who you think should win in this spot, and we’d love to hear your comments on this and the entire card we laid out.

We’ll see you in the comments section to discuss and I’m sure Swayze will be able to fill in the blanks on some of his desired results for the above matches as well.

That’s all from me — CB.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Classy Ring Attire 101: The 3rd Annual Classies (With special guest Jonah) Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:33:51 +0000 As we start 2014, what a better way to look back on the past year than with our yearly review in the form of The Classies. Each host (and guest) will pick a winner for each of the following categories:

superstar of the year

match of the year

video package of the year

ppv of the year

spot of the year

storyline of the year

diva of the year

most improved/downfall

Mark Henry memorial award/Sin Cara award

best/worst return

disappointment of the year

best/worst turn

Have a different answer for any of the categories above? Let us know in the comments.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 0 Don't miss episode 101 featuring The Classies... As we start 2014, what a better way to look back on the past year than with our yearly review in the form of The Classies. Each host (and guest) will pick a winner for each of the following categories: superstar of the year match of the year video package of the year ppv of the year spot of the year storyline of the year diva of the year most improved/downfall Mark Henry memorial award/Sin Cara award best/worst return disappointment of the year best/worst turn Have a different answer for any of the categories above? Let us know in the comments. Inside Pulse Wrestling no 1:12:57
Random Thoughts: WWE Raw 12.23.13 (Is It Time For The Rumble Yet?) Tue, 24 Dec 2013 04:38:33 +0000 Good Santa vs Bad Santa 2013

{Ed. Note: Happy Holidays to those readers who celebrate. In an effort of full disclosure, I completely underestimated the excitement & joy a three-year old feels around this time and the word “exhausted” can’t even begin to describe the shape I’m in. I apologize if my Thoughts are briefer than normal but right now my main struggle is keeping my eyes open.} 

<- “Good Santa” vs “Bad Santa” might actually put me down for a KO.

<- What a bitch it must be getting through security with those two titles. Randy Orton’s bus has paid for itself by now.

Completely Random Divas Match Where They’re Dressed Like Slutty Elves

<- They needed 12 women for this Divas match and they needed to Vickie Guerrero to participate. Now that the tag team division is soaring, maybe it’s time for the executives to turn their attention to the Divas division

<- Holy crap, that match was worse than usual. Eyes. Are. Trying. To. Close.

Sin (Hunico) Cara vs Curtis (Michael McGillicutty) Axel

<- Trying to keep my mind sharp (and awake) by adding those original names.

<- The new Sin Cara even  gets promo time?! I’d LOVE to know how Triple H is spinning this.

<- I’d prefer to see Sami Zayn debut on the main roster in a tag team with someone like Tyson Kidd but the “new” Sin Cara has definitely been on a roll. Let Sami do the talking and you might get a pretty decent set of “high-flyers” with a Zayn/Cara team.

Batista Promo

<- Welp, that was definitely better than trying to ignore the rumors floating around. I’m a little upset that he isn’t a surprise entrant in the Royal Rumble. Debuting a week before helps to set up any sort of story though.

The Brotherhood & Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family

<- The WWE isn’t the “Land of 1,000 Dances” anymore but the “Land of the Six-Man Tag Match”.

<- A few years ago I could absolutely see the WWE booking Daniel Bryan as a part of the Wyatt Family and it failing miserably.

<- They’re doing a great job at keeping The Brotherhood strong but still putting over the Wyatt Family as a legitimate threat.

 Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango

 <- 2 very good talents but 3 weeks in a row they’re booked against one another. Variety is the spice of life, WWE.

<- Solid mid-card match where, once again, two mid-card stars busted their butts for a #1 contendership at the Intercontinental Championship.

The Usos vs The PrimeTime Players

<- The Usos’ war dance is a bit less impressive when there’s fake snow, presents and Christmas trees behind them.

<- Holiday antics with the Rudolph nose and now we’re moving onto “Santa” vs “Santa”. I am legitimately slapping myself to stay away right now.

“Bad Santa” Damien Sandow vs “Good Santa” Mark Henry

<- While I am watching Damien Sandow hit Mark Henry with a fake candy cane, my wife and I are also watching American Horror Story: Asylum. Talk about one extreme to another.

The Real Americans vs Los Matadores

<- All I want for Christmas is for Cesaro to “Cesaro Swing” little El Torito.

<- I remember nothing from this match.

Kofi Kingston vs Ryback

<- Awww hell! I can’t stay awake and now I have to sit through Kofi & Ryback? Willpower. Willpower. Willpower!

<- Absolutely legit, my wife just woke me up. I was in the middle of having Raw playing through my headphones on my computer in my ear, typing an email to Widro on my phone & watching American Horror Story AND I STILL couldn’t stay awake! Wow…

CM Punk, John Cena & Big E Langston vs The Shield

<- When was the last time a member of The Shield wrestled a single’s match? Ambrose four months ago? Time to do a little more work separately, I believe.

<- Nice to see Big E Langston get the hot tag instead of the typical Punk offense.

<- Another typical 6-man tag team match. The novelty of it has lost its luster and it’s time to see what The Shield members can TRULY do on their own. Either way, the 3 on 3 format has definitely run its course and while its nice to see a lot of talent featured throughout the show, people need to make the sacrifice for a better product.topstory120x120-×120-2013.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250-Raw-2013.jpg|topstory500x250

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for December 20th 2013: God Bless Us, Everyone Sat, 21 Dec 2013 13:36:28 +0000 Hey there, sports entertainment fans. If my mathematics is correct, then this is the last of these things I’ll be doing before the 25th, so I’ll take the opportunity now to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous Kwanzaa, Wonderful Winter Festival and Happy Hannukah.

Santa’s A Fiction, You Ignorant Children

We’re in San Antonio tonight, and the Real Americans are in the ring. Zeb wants to deport Santa Claus, according to his sign, and we just couldn’t have had a Die Hard 3 reference? Out comes Langston, who will be facing Swagger. We get a recap of the tag match on RAW, which I very much enjoyed.

Lock-up and jockeying to start and did Michael Cole just say that Santa isn’t real? Langston hits headbutts; both men run rings around each other and Swagger takes E out at the legs and works him over in the corner. Hard clothesline brings Langston down for a two count and Swagger locks in a bearhug, which E counters into a belly-to-belly suplex. Clotheslines from Langston, followed up by a spear in the corner. Ultimate Warrior Splash and Cesaro gets all up in Big E’s grill before Henry knocks him down. Big Ending finishes Swagger for three.

Well, there wasn’t anything not to like but, as has been a trend of late, that was just too short. I would have been quite happy to have seen more. 2 Stars.

Back from the break, we recap the Unification Match and RAW. I wonder when they’re getting a single belt for Orton, or whether even WWE figures there’s no point to that.

Well, show a lengthy flashback of the oily, orange devil and he will appear. Still with two belts, because like they’d unveil the new one on SmackDown. I think we’re going to get the speech Cena interrupted on RAW: the promo version of sloppy seconds. This brings out Cena, because the World Title picture is the flame to that particular moth. Cena says that he’s out here to stop Orton from looking stupid, so where has he been for the last few years? John says everyone is watching Orton and that he can’t get away with anything anymore; there’s some fourth wall getting bumped into there…

Oh, and here’s Bryan with your basic ‘I’m better than you; you’re a bad champion’ promo. Bryan and Cena are seriously acting like each other’s cheerleaders here: this is reminiscent of that whole Bret Hart/Hulk Hogan/Yokozuna thing. They get into a big argument over who the Face of the WWE is, and it’s probably the Make-A-Wish one.

The Shield’s music hits and Orton decides that…well, screw this. The Shield approach, but here comes Punk and…oh, there is no way, is there?

And here comes Vickie Guerrero? 4-on-3 tag match! Oh…well, I could dream.

We recap the Brodus Clay heel turn, in which he managed to backstab Tensai after basically announcing it on Twitter. Don’t ask me to sympathise with Sweet T on this one.

Okay, that speed-dating commercial for the Royal Rumble made me laugh. We should pay Orton to show up at those things and simply pose at women. I’m pretty sure he’d do it.

Shoving = Title Match

The Bellas are in the ring, as we watch Tamina superkick the shit out of Nikki. AJ’s on commentary. Brie will apparently be facing the woman who got the better of what is essentially her clone. Yep. Brie starts by kicking and crossbodying Tamina before tossing her out of the ring and kicking her on the outside. Bitchslap, oh snap, and Tamina catches a crossbody and bodyslams Brie before stomping her. JACKET TOSS. Tamina pulls Tamina out of the ring and drives her into the apron, then brings her back in for a pin; Brie kicks out. Sleeper hold applied; Tamina tries a back suplex, but Brie rolls out of it and trips Tamina onto the ropes. Knee to the face from Brie, followed by dropkicks and another dropkick from the second rope. Brie then walks into the NIKKISLAYER, but kicks out. Tamina tries for the Superfly Splash, but Bella…I guess gets her knees up? She pins Tamina for the three and then shoves AJ in an unprovoked assault. Michael Cole takes Brie’s side, because fuck anyone who doesn’t follow his exact system of ethics.

Nothing special here. Thought we might be making the superkick a thing for Tamina, but apparently not. The idea’s been floated that AJ might be more entertaining chasing the title, but I think the problem is that she’s going to be the only entertaining one in any Diva feud so far. She was the most entertaining thing about this match and she was barely on camera. 1.5 Stars.

Battle Of Two Guys Who (Fill In Your Own Joke)

It’s Drew McIntyre vs. Sin Cara. Um…I guess? Drew starts off on the assault before Sin hip-tosses him over the top rope and flips out onto him. Drew’s sent back in the ring and Sin Cara crossbodies back in onto him. Drew regains control and hangs Sin onto the top rope with a suplex. Apparently McIntyre will have to use his ‘power game’, and I’m glad we didn’t have to see Cole’s pokerface for that particular phrase. Sin Cara is whipped into a corner, but dodges McIntyre, hits an armdrag and a headscissors before channelling Torrie Wilson for a handspring elbow off the ropes. Drew backdrops Sin out onto the apron; Sin Cara responds with a kick and goes up high. He hits the senton bomb and that’s it. Did JBL just say ‘looks like we’ve got a new Sin Cara’?

This match was unsurprisingly meh. I don’t think people are ever going to be that high on a character which had a lacklustre run when portrayed by another wrestler and who barely speaks, so it’s hard for me to be excited about Sin Cara 2.0. 1.5 Stars.


Back from the break, Sandow is busting out a promo and uses the phrase ‘half-witted hoopla’ in the first sentence. Sold. He’s attacking Christmas from a different angle than the racially-motivated one Zeb did earlier. Man, all we need out here is Bad News Barrett and we’re Fox News. His opponent is apparently the Miz. So…what’s going on with him now? He says that Santa was in his corner at Main Event; I have no idea whether that’s true, so I’ll assume Miz was on acid at the time. He makes a ‘sack’ joke (for the kids) and I guess that really is fighting talk.

Bell rings and Sandow pounds down on Miz. Miz rolls out of a back suplex and starts attacking Sandow back with clotheslines, then a backbreaker and a neckbreaker. Sandow tries to block Miz’s corner clothesline with a kick, but Miz catches the leg and what I thought was a blatant low blow was apparently an inner-thigh shot. Miz then locks in the Figure Four, but Sandow reaches for the ropes. I guess he needs that momentum to get squashed by Henry this Monday. Sandow kicks Miz in the face and then rolls him up with a handful of tights.

Fast, over quickly, hardly inoffensive. We’re really doing some rush-jobs tonight, although the main event probably justifies it. 2 Stars.

Drink Every Time Cole Mentions WWE’s ‘Great Tag Team Scene’

Here come the tag team champions, fresh from a decisive loss against Big Show and Rey Mysterio. Their opponents are Harper and Rowan. Goldust will start off against Rowan, and they stare each other down. Goldust bites at Rowan and then punches mask off Rowan’s face: seen it before, still funny. Rowan takes exception to this historical re-enactment and starts beating the hell out of Goldust in his corner. Dust fights back with right hands and knees to the face. Rowan overpowers Goldust again, now tagging in Harper. Harper tries for a backdrop, but Goldust uses the Rhodes Uppercut and tags Cody in. Cody is immediately overpowered and tries several times to knock down Harper before finally doing it with his catch-up clothesline. He stays on Harper, dragging him into the corner to tag in Goldust. Harper fights his way out of the situation, knocking Goldust down in the corner. The two men trade blows for several moments, but Harper’s power is too much and Dust is dragged over to the Wyatt corner and Rowan is tagged in. Rowan chokes Goldust with his foot and then tries for a bodyslam; Goldust slips out of it, but is caught in a front facelock and worked over but good by Beardface. Goldust valiantly tries to fight out but good luck with that. Harper’s tagged back in and continues the task of putting the boots to Goldust. Goldust ducks two clotheslines and tries for a crossbody, but misses and flies out of the ring to land at Bray’s feet: nice visual.

Back in the ring, Harper and Rowan exchange tags as they flatten Goldust systematically. Rowan’s doing a good thing with his roughneck tactics; they can be more intimidating than the power game sometimes. Big splash to Goldust gets a two count, and Goldust isn’t even trying offense now; he just wants to get to Cody: that’s powerful. Harper’s back in now and uses the Gator Roll and then a headlock before tagging in Rowan. Bodyslam to Goldust before Rowan beats him down in the corner. Man, that paint has just been knocked off Goldust’s face. Finally, Goldust misses a charge, tries to make a tag to Cody, is stopped, hits a back elbow and nearly gets the tag before Harper stops him. Goldust then hits the Cross Rhodes, creating his chance to get the tag and he does so. In comes Cody, pounding on Harper with everything he’s got. Springboard dropkick to Harper; roll-up and Harper kicks out. Disaster Kick to Harper; moonsault to Harper and Rowan breaks up the pin. Goldust’s back now and both Brothers Rhodes try to suplex him but he shoves them away before getting clotheslined over the top rope. Harper sends Cody out over the top rope, and Goldust returns the favour before leaping out onto Rowan and getting his face kicked off by Harper. Bray also shoves Cody into a turnbuckle, probably to fulfil his ‘Be A Total Dick’ quota.

Harper manages to get back into the ring, then heads back out to pick up Cody. He hits That Clothesline for the three and the pin.

That lagged a little bit, but it was still entertaining. Goldust’s beating at the Wyatts’ hands was almost uncomfortable to watch at some points, and the Wyatts looked threatening. 2.5 Stars.

Oh, here comes Bray to stir some shit up. Oh, and here comes Bryan with a chair to beat the hell out of people. He knocks Harper and Rowan down, then guns for Wyatt; Harper grabs the chair so Bryan just kicks him in the head. He ducks a clothesline from Bray, takes him down and beats his fat ass out of the ring before dropkicking Rowan off the apron. Nice adrenaline piece to finish a decent match.


It’s Brodus vs. Tensai and due to the break I don’t know if they both used the same music. Anyway, they lock up and punch each other. Tensai beats Brodus down in the corner, hammering him with the pent-up fury of a man who’s been booked like Tensai has for the last while. Clothesline knocks Brodus down, but Tensai’s running senton misses. Brodus squashes Tensai in the corner twice, knocks him down and splashes him. Tensai kicks out, Brodus splashes him again and then goes for it again, but here come the Funkadactyls and Xavier Wood. They provide the distraction for Tensai to roll up the Funkasaurus.

Oh, so this is going to be one of those heel-turns that doesn’t matter. 1.5 Stars.

Clay attacks Tensai after the match, Xavier interferes and hits the Honour Roll. Clay is knocked out of the ring and the good guys dance. Sure.

Did We Forget Which Show Is Three Hours?

Fandango and Kofi will be fighting each other, because a great main event doesn’t need such abstracts as ‘time’. Fandango headlocks Kofi, gets shot off the ropes and shoulderblocks Kofi. Kofi gets his own headlock in, gets shoved into the turnbuckle and comes off with a flying dropkick for a one count. Kofi attempts a monkey flip, but it fails and Fandango flattens him with a clothesline. He stays on Kingston in the corner, then sends him off the ropes and into a back elbow. Sleeper hold locked in; Fandango tosses him to the ground and then misses a flying knee drop. Both men regain their feet; Dango misses a charge in the corner and Kofi takes control, knocking Fandango down for the Boom Drop. Kofi misses the Trouble In Paradise and Fandango trips him up before hitting his leg drop.

This was okay, if not really necessary. 2 Stars.

Backstage, Renee tries to interview Bryan, but is scared off by the Wyatts who then jump Bryan and…are they abducting him again? What parking lot will we find him in this time?

Christmas Is About The Broken Promises

Apparently Bryan was thrown off a ledge; our thoughts go to his fiancé at this trying time. So, what, we now don’t get the fun-looking main event that we were told we were getting? This probably wouldn’t be so annoying if JBL hadn’t kept saying ‘Christmas has come early’ and I’d agreed with him because I was excited about the match. Cena and Punk look ready to go with the Shield, but here comes Vickie, and if she’s going to be their tag partner then ALL IS FORGIVEN. The show must go on, she says, and it’s a handicap match. Man, there’s an idea that’s gotten pretty old recently.

Dean and Punk start off, and Punk takes the advantage with some chain wrestling before placing Ambrose in the corner and making a tag. Cena hits Ambrose with a dropkick and a bulldog, tagging in Punk. Double suplex, then a bodyslam and an elbow drop from the second rope by Punk. Tag to Cena, who hits a fisherman’s suplex. Dean looks freaked and tags in Reigns. Roman gets Cena in a headlock, gets shot off the ropes and knocks Cena down. Cena ducks behind Roman, headlocks him, gets shot off the ropes and Reigns knocks him down again. They do it again, but Cena ducks Roman before knocking him down this time. He tries to whip Roman into the corner, but Reigns reverses it and the impact knocks Cena down. Rollins is now in, and he hits some strikes and tags in Ambrose. Ambrose pulls Cena’s neck back on the ropes and then locks his arm, but Cena back suplexes his way out of it. Tag to Reigns, who catches Cena before he can make the tag, placing himself between Cena and Punk before knocking John down with a FALCON PUNCH. Tag now to Rollins, who hits a running forearm into Cena in the corner, but the following splash is ducked. Ambrose still gets the tag before Cena can make it to Punk, dropkicking John against the ropes and tagging in Rollins. Cena tries to drive past Rollins to get to Punk, but Seth knocks Punk off the apron and takes Cena into the neutral corner, keeping on the heat. Off a distraction from Punk, Cena nearly hits the Attitude Adjustment, but Rollins slides out and hits a jumping kick to Cena’s head.

Rollins takes Cena up for a superplex, but John powers out, headbutting Rollins off the top rope. Ambrose comes in off the tag, but gets tornado-DDT’d. Punk gets the tag, firing away on Rollins with kicks and knocking Reigns off the apron. High knee to Rollins against the ropes, and once Seth’s out of the ring, Punk dives on him. Back in the ring, Punk gets Rollins with a springboard clothesline, the high knee, the clothesline and the Macho Elbow. He signals for the GTS, but Ambrose lunges forward; Punk manages to neckbreaker Ambrose whilst DDT-ing Rollins, and Reigns breaks up the subsequent pin. The Shield all start kicking the crap out of Punk and the ref calls for the bell.

Wow, from a good match to this. Okay, it wasn’t bad; just don’t ask me to be happy with it once you show me something far better and then take it away. 2 Stars.

Cena throws Reigns into the barricade and helps out Punk, but Reigns comes right back and spears him. Punk tries to attack Reigns, but the Shield kick him out of the ring. Triple Powerbomb to Cena. Punk comes back, gets beaten down and is about to be powerbombed, but Langston rushes to the ring and clears out the Shield. But apparently didn’t care enough to be their tag team partner. Reigns and Langston tease a face-off and I’ve been waiting to see this, but Punk comes in with a chair, backing Roman down.

This show just gave the overall impression of being a mess. Towards the closing moments I was just waiting for the end, and that’s not how it should be. I am very disappoint. This show gets a four. topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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Creative Control: The GPS to Wrestlemania XXX, Part 2 (CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, Shield, Wyatt Family, NXT, PPV) Mon, 16 Dec 2013 11:35:34 +0000 That did not take long at all.  Just two weeks into doing this and I embarrass myself in spectacular fashion.  I make a joke about a couple of columnists stepping on my fantasy booking toes and I go and do a Wrestlemania XXX card only three weeks after James Sawyer posted his own well-received version.  When I went and reread Sawyer’s take on the card, it came back to me that I had read it.  However, when I came up with the idea for the column in the first place, I had forgotten all about it.

In rereading Sawyer’s column, I liked a lot of his ideas and matches.  We had one nearly identical match (Taker/Cena; I just added Rock into the mix to wrap up his multi-year story with Cena), but it is one people have been speculating about for a couple of years.  We differed on the main event.  Sawyer appeared focused on booking the last dream match that is available to WWE with Punk/Austin.  I went at it from the long narrative storyline of Daniel Bryan fighting his way to the top and achieving his dream of capturing the WWE Title. He did have Bryan achieving revenge by “retiring” Triple H.  In my opinion however, any outcome that does not end with Daniel Bryan in the middle of the ring holding the WWE Title in victory to close out Wrestlemania does not provide a satisfying end to his story-arc that began at SummerSlam.

I admit some intimidation in presenting the remainder of the card.  However, since there are no fewer than five people who in some way shape or form discuss Raw on a weekly basis here, I figure there is more than enough room for multiple takes on a potential Wrestlemania card.

Second Thoughts:

There were two consistent criticisms to my card last week: one minor, one major.  The minor one was people pointing out the apparent oversight on my part that it was not possible to have a cage match (Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan) at Elimination Chamber, given the Chamber would be suspended above the ring.  I did factor that in. I thought I remember a way the WWE did a cage match where it was assembled and set up by bringing the pieces from backstage and did not require a separate hanging structure.  If my memory is off (and I do not doubt that) and that is not possible, a cage is not essential to the narrative of the match.  I like the imagery from a storytelling perspective, but they can still have a standard match that ends with Wyatt submitting to the Yes Lock and Bryan moving on to Lesnar.

The major complaint was my Triple H vs. Randy Orton match at Wrestlemania.  To say this was not well received is a massive understatement.  And the critics are right.  Even in my own write-up of the match, I stated I did not like the match, but was trying to come up with something to keep them occupied and away from the main event program.  That was lazy thinking on my part.  I should not be just looking to contain problems in fantasy booking; I should be about putting together something entertaining that tells compelling stories and when possible, make every participant shine.  Therefore, I scrapped the match and tweaked the card accordingly.  I am sure not everyone will agree or approve of the final product (I am sure universal agreement on the internet is a sign of the apocalypse), but there you go.  And as always, you have a better idea, lay it out below in the comments.

Booking Wrestlemania XXX Part II

So, here’s the card in full (explanations skipped for all matches discussed last week)

(Undisputed) WWE Championship Match:  Brock Lesnar (champion) vs. Daniel Bryan

Triple Threat Elimination Match:  John Cena vs. The Rock vs. The Undertaker

 Triple H/Kane vs. CM Punk/Dolph Ziggler 

How We Get Here:

Ziggler and Punk are still in the Elimination Chamber as I laid out last week.  Ziggler still goes through a series of qualifying matches to get in as opposed to the other participants who are just selected and Punk still taunts The Authority in the lead-up about how a Bryan/Punk main event at Wrestlemania would be their worst nightmare. Punk and Ziggler though do not have the confrontation in the Chamber as I discussed last week.  The night after Elimination Chamber, Ziggler is seen backstage commenting to someone about an earlier segment where the Authority throws their weight around.  Kane and Triple H come up behind him, hearing the comments and put him in some form of a punishment match, like a gauntlet or handicap match.  As that match progresses, Ziggler is worn down and it is clear his opponents have no plan to end the match short of referee stoppage or medical intervention.  This leads Punk to come out and make a save.

The next week, Punk and Ziggler appear together in an interview segment.  Punk notes how he and Ziggler are cut from the same cloth.  They speak their minds, they bust their backs every night to try to steal the show, and they piss off the Authority to no end.  This leads Triple H to throw his weight around determined to break the pair as they do not seem to know or understand their place in the hierarchy of the company.   They are booked into matches designed for them to lose, but they keep coming out on top.  The two hijack commentary, putting over independent talent, name dropping guys who they feel never got a fair chance.  Ultimately, this leads to Triple H deciding that the only way for the Authority to deal with the problem is to deal with it himself, and therefore taps his Director of Operations Kane to assist him to not only defeat the pair but to punish them on the biggest stage so badly, nothing could rebuild them.  The match ends with Ziggler nailing Triple H with the Zig Zag and scoring the victory.

Side Note:

I know people are salivating at the idea of Triple H/Shawn Michaels vs. Punk/Bryan after the end of Raw last week.  As I discussed above though, I feel Bryan’s storyline should end with him winning the WWE Title at the end of Wrestlemania.  I also do not think that Michaels will come back.  I vaguely remember hearing something about how he was disappointed that Flair went on to have matches in TNA after he had given Michaels the honor of retiring him at Wrestlemania 24. With this in mind, I do not see Michaels disrespecting the Undertaker by pulling a similar maneuver; no matter how common it is for a retired wrestler to come back for “one more match.”  Triple H and Punk have an established history and the seeds were sown for another altercation following the end of Raw.  I wanted though to come up with something that also helps build Ziggler back up to the main event level after his untimely concussion and subsequent burial this past year.  That was the purpose behind the original Punk vs. Ziggler match I came up with last week.  With this match, we get a D-X vs. management feel with Punk and Ziggler now as the disruptive influences, but in their own acerbic way versus the juvenile prank style of Triple H and Michaels.  Ziggler pinning Triple H would do wonders to rebuilding his standing.

Intercontinental/U.S. Unification Match:  Big E. Langston vs. Dean Ambrose

 Divas Championship:  Tamina (champion) vs. Natalya

Roman Reigns vs. Kofi Kingston

 How We Get Here:

After Ambrose secures the unification match against Langston, he notes that the Shield should use this year’s Wrestlemania to prove that each member’s individual superiority compared to last year when they showed their dominance as a unit.  Therefore, he tells Reigns and Rollins to go find challengers for themselves.

Kingston goes on a tear starting with the lead-up to the Royal Rumble.  His current feud with the Miz culminates at the Rumble in a Falls Count Anywhere match.  The match is designed to be a final confrontation between the two given their history of endless matches over the last three years along with multiple betrayals when as a tag team.  He also competes in the Rumble itself and makes it to the final six.  At Elimination Chamber, he defeats Alberto Del Rio.  During these months, he gets interview time and talks about with the new year, he made a resolution to not only wow the audience, but to climb to the top, giving it everything he had.  Kingston claims that he strapped a rocket to his own back and nothing is going to stop him.  He notes that he has been in the company for years, but has always hit a glass ceiling, and this was the year he was going to break through it.

Reigns picks Kingston as his opponent feeling that if he can derail the momentum of the veteran, he will show his individual dominance.  At Wrestlemania, as the Shield make their way escorting Reigns down to the ring, Ambrose indicates he wants Reigns to go at it alone; that he and Rollins will stay away from ringside to allow Reigns to show what he can do with no excuses from Kingston about the Shield distracting him.  This is different from earlier in the night when Ambrose and Reigns were ringside for Rollins’s match.  Reigns wins with an impressive spear that catches Kingston in the midst of a top rope maneuver.

Side Note:

The match is designed primarily to give Reigns a big win and to allow for the Shield dissolution storyline to take off after Wrestlemania.  As I mentioned last week, following Ambrose’s decision Reigns should be without the Shield at ringside, Reigns makes a similar call prior to Ambrose’s match with Langston.

The build-up is designed to push Kingston.  While not known as a great talker, when he has been allowed to be himself, or shown as driven, he has a certain charisma.  There is a moment I remember a number of years ago, where he was Intercontinental Champion and his opponent stole the belt (it may have even been the Miz).  On the following Raw, the opponent was in a backstage interview with Josh Matthews.  Kingston interrupted the segment, leveled his opponent, picked up the title belt and looked at Matthews.  He kind of shrugged his shoulders, nodded to Matthews, said “Hi Josh,” and walked off.  I loved that moment because that defined Kingston’s character as a nice guy, but at the same time a determined competitor who will not let anyone walk over him or take him for granted.  Sadly, they did not use that moment to develop him.  The lead up to Wrestlemania would do that.  Let him fly around the ring, let him do his flips and crowd participation, but let him win.  Let him be aggressive and get a string of victories.  Have the commentators note the new focus and fire driving Kingston.  Let him talk about it.  That way, not only does it build him up, but when he does lose, it makes the opponent who does it, seem that much more impressive.

3 on 2 Handicapped Match:

The Wyatt Family vs. Cody Rhodes/Goldust

 How We Get Here:

Following his inability to convert Daniel Bryan to join the clan, Bray Wyatt turns his attention on the Rhodes.  He is intrigued by their dynamic.  On one side, you have the clean cut, average looking Cody; on the other his disturbed, unpredictable brother Goldust.  There is a power between the two that allowed them to weather the storm of the Authority.  It is a power that allowed them to not only win the tag titles but hold onto them for several months and defeat their rivals.  It is a power that Wyatt envies.

From there a psychological war develops as Wyatt looks to tear apart the team due to his feeling that their bond some way threatens his clan and leadership.  The Rhodes pull out their own mind games, but are not quite as effective as those of the cult’s.  At Wrestlemania, the Wyatts are victorious.

Side Note:

A fairly simple storyline based on Wyatt’s twisted logic that somehow, the Rhodes brothers are a threat to his stature.  I would have Goldust and Cody dissolve as a team following this match.  I am not sure if I would have the break-up lead to a feud between them, or if it would be a rare occurrence where two partners decide they’ve run their course.  A feud between the two has potential (as noted by Sawyer) and this storyline could be a great catalyst with Goldust becoming unhinged due to their encounters with the Wyatts.  I am curious to see if Cody can capitalize on the apparent push he received from the Authority storyline and make a run as a single’s star in the upper card or even break through to the main event.

Tag Team Title Fatal Four Way:

The Real Americans (champions) vs. Big Show/Rey Mysterio vs. The Usos vs. Randy Orton/Alberto Del Rio

How We Get Here:

Swagger and Cesaro win the titles at the Rumble (I originally had them winning last night at TLC).  They fend off Los Matadores before the participants in this match start lining up.  Rey and Big Show remains a unit both tag teaming and accompanying each other for individual matches, while the Usos continue to fight all comers, looking to climb their way to the championship.

Orton, as noted last week, loses at TLC, does not win the Rumble, and fails in the Elimination Chamber.  As a result of this string of failures, he is ignored by the Authority.  His demands go unanswered.  He is livid that someone of his stature and pedigree suddenly is cast aside.  In his mind, he is still the face of the company.

Facing similar delusions of importance but lacking stature is Del Rio.  Despite his viciousness and drive, he has failed to secure a championship.  He feels entitled, but ignored as well.  A chance encounter backstage leads the two to form a bond.  It is one of hatred for everyone else and a feeding of each other’s egos about how important they are.  This alliance forces its way into the tag team scene and secures a spot in the title match at Wrestlemania where they are able to steal the titles from what appears to be a victory for the Usos.

Side Note:

Is there any way I can claim that I had a variation of this match set up before I reread Sawyer’s column and anyone would believe me?  I did have a fatal four way tag title match lined up in my first draft, but with the Primetime Players instead of Orton/Del Rio.  After I dropped the Triple H/Orton match, I needed to find something to do with Orton, but there was no singles match that was speaking to me.  Then I started thinking about Del Rio and his recent string of losses, and realized the pair of self-important, floundering heels could work.  I debated putting the titles on them to start a feud with the Usos, who should eventually win the titles and have their stature raised from beating a pair of former main eventers. The loss of the belts can lead to a break-up of the Real Americans with Zeb Colter and Swagger blaming the foreign Cesaro for the loss and start to build Cesaro again for singles competition.

Seth Rollins vs. Sin Cara

 Not much to say for setting up this opening bout for the card.  Sin Cara is the target selected by Rollins for the Shield’s series of one-on-one matches at Wrestlemania.  With the way they are building up the Hunico version of Sin Cara, he should be at a level by Wrestlemania where his loss at the hands of Rollins appears significant.  I see a fast-paced match between these two which is perfect for firing up the crowd.


NXT vs. WWE 10-Man Tag

Sami Zayn, Bo Dallas, Adrian Neville, Alexander Rusev, Aiden English vs. R-Truth, Xavier Woods, Ryaback, Curtis Axel, Fandango

I like the idea of involving NXT in some capacity with Wrestlemania.  Including some of the talent on the cusp of joining the main roster on the biggest show of the year is a great way to promote NXT.  I am not sure how well having both teams being a blend of faces and heels would work, but it does not hurt to try it.  Also, call me whatever names you like, but I am sold just on the idea of seeing Fandango and English square off in a clash of gimmicks. 


There it is; my complete take on the Wrestlemania XXX card.  I am much happier with this final version then what I had first lined up.  There isn’t a match on here where I am feeling it is “making do” like I did last week.  Is it perfect?  Of course not, what card ever is?  However the match selections and the stories told to reach them I feel makes for compelling entertainment, which is the end goal.  What is the likelihood any of these matches occur?  Well, we’ll find out in about three months.

Until next week, I relinquish creative control.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

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