Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 05:35:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown WWE Celebrates 15 Years of SmackDown (PLUS: Interesting Fact & Photos) Fri, 10 Oct 2014 18:45:54 +0000 WWE Logo 2014 - 500x250





STAMFORD, Conn., October 10, 2014 WWE will air a special 15th Anniversary episode of SmackDown, tonight at 8 p.m. ET/PT on Syfy. With nearly 800 original episodes, SmackDown is the second longest-running weekly episodic program in U.S. television history, only behind WWE’s other flagship program, Monday Night RawAveraging 3.1 million viewers each week, SmackDown beats all Friday primetime viewing on any cable network.

As part of the 15th Anniversary show, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will appear in a special segment.  Tonight’s SmackDown will be the 790th episode for the series.  In comparison, Saturday Night Live has aired 766 episodes since it began in 1975, Gunsmoke aired 635 episodes from 1955-1975, Lassie aired 591 episodes from 1954-1973 and The Simpsons has aired 552 episodes since it began in 1989.

As part of the festivities, celebrities including Ben Roethlisberger, Cedric The Entertainer, Kyle Busch, Snoop Dogg, William Shatner and others will share photos from their WWE experiences on their social media platforms.

Prior to the 15th anniversary episode, fans can watch the WWE Network special Edge and Christian’s 15th Anniversary SmackDown Show that Totally Reeks of Awesomeness, featuring WWE Hall of Famer Edge and WWE Superstar Christian, offering entertaining insight into the greatest moments from SmackDown’s 15 year history.  The program is now available as part of WWE Network’s video-on-demand library, containing more than 2,000 hours of content.



SmackDown 15 (1) SmackDown 15 (2) SmackDown Action
July 13, 2004
Providence, RI
Photo: David O Gunn SmackDown 15 (4) SmackDown 15 (5) SmackDown 15 (6) SmackDown 15 (7) SmackDown 15 (8) SmackDown 15 (9) SmackDown 15 (10) SmackDown 15 (11) UnderTaker v Kurt Angle, Mark Henry SmackDown 15 (13) SmackDown 15 (14) SmackDown 15 (15) SmackDown 15 (16) SmackDown 15 (17) SmackDown 15 (18) SmackDown 15 (19) SmackDown 15 (20) SmackDown 15 (21)




  1. The name SmackDown came from WWE Superstar Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s popular catchphrase, “Lay the Smackdown.”
  1. SmackDown has been broadcast from 170 different venues, in 148 cities and towns, in seven different countries including the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Iraq, Japan, Italy and Mexico.
  1. It would take more than two months of uninterrupted viewing to watch every episode of SmackDown back-to-back.
  1. WWE Superstar John Cena made his WWE debut in June 2002 on SmackDown.
  1. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar competed in a 60-minute Iron Man match on SmackDown in September 2003.
  1. Brock Lesnar and Big Show fought to a no contest when the ring collapsed after Lesnar superplexed Big Show on SmackDown in June 2003.
  1. Stephanie McMahon was the first SmackDown general manager while Teddy Long has the longest total tenure as a SmackDown general manager.
  1. Mr. McMahon won his only WWE Championship on SmackDown on September 16, 1999 when he defeated Triple H with Shane McMahon as special guest referee.
  1. The first Friday episode of SmackDown was on September 9, 2005 and featured Batista defeating JBL in a Bull Rope Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship.×120.jpg×250.jpg

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 10, 2014 (Spoilers) Wed, 08 Oct 2014 04:55:22 +0000 Prior the taping, Paul Heyman made an unadvertised appearance and drew mega heat.

JBL is introduced to a mild pop followed by Lilian Garcia. She welcomed Philly to Smackdown 15 and pumped the crowd up for the opening. The signature aired followed by classic clips of Smackdown through the years. Notable was the focus on Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy throughout the highlights.

Smackdown has a new opening theme which will take some getting used to. Lilian introduced Smackdown’s first GM Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie plugged WWE Network by pointing out that The Rock coined the phrase Smackdown and noted that her husband Triple H had beaten Rock. She led the crowd in a brief $9.99 chant.

Stephanie was interrupted by John Laurinaitis, who got a People Power chant. He also pimped the Network. Out next was Teddy Long, who got a pretty big pop.

Teddy and Johnny get into a back and forth over their storyline heat from back in the day. They actually got into an argument over the booking of Teddy’s favorite match – the tag match. The result was Teddy actually trying to book a 15-man tag match which was pretty damn funny. Stephanie suggested that Teddy and Johnny each pick a team and that whoever’s team won would result in that man being declared the greatest GM of all time.

Stephanie said that Miz will host a face to face between John Cena and Dean Ambrose. Adam Rose and his crew, including the Bunny, interrupted and actually got a pretty loud pop. Rose told Steph not to be a lemon and she promptly booked him against Kane as punishment…

During the commercial break, we get a clip from the first Smackdown featuring The Rock vs. Triple H with HBK as the special referee. We also got a Network plug…

Back from break, Rose did the trust fall. Kane headed to the ring cutting a promo saying he is not a cheeseburger, lemon, or a Rosebud. He is, however, a party pooper…

1. Kane defeated Adam Rose. Kane squashed Rose in under a minute with a chokeslam. The Rosebuds tended to Rose. Kane destroyed all of the Rosebuds with the exception of The Bunny, which would have popped the hell out of me…

The next Smackdown clip was Cena’s debut against Kurt Angle…

2. A.J. Lee defeated Alicia Fox (w/Paige). There were brief CM Punk chants that died quickly. Fox was in control and once again the Punk chants picked up with an AJ chant mixed in for good measure. AJ went over with Black Widow, but before Lilian could finish her announcement, Paige attacked Lee. AJ fought off Paige and Fox to end the segment…

3. Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury, Jamie Noble) beat Kofi Kingston. Rollins got a mild “You Sold Out” chant before the match started. Rollins started the match off very aggressively and was beating the hell out of Kofi, who made a brief comeback but was cutoff with a neckbreaker. Rollins played to the crowd and drew some damn good heat. Kofi came backs and went on a nice run before getting shut down with a buckle bomb followed by The Curb Stomp…

A Bray Wyatt/Luke Harper promo aired. The visual of a darkened arena that is lit by only cellphones is one of the coolest visuals in pro wrestling history…

Out next were Dolph Ziggler followed by Rusev and Lana… The next Smackdown moment was a collection of MITB cash-ins over the years. Footage of The Rock/Rusev confrontation from Raw aired…

4. Rusev (w/Lana) defeated Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match. The match started with Ziggler dodging Rusev until he got caught. There was a brief USA chant. Rusev controlled much of the match with Ziggler bumping his ass off as usual to make Rusev look like a beast. The crowd fired up the USA chant again but they once again don’t pick up steam. A small “Let’s Go Ziggler” chant got going but was drowned out by USA chants. After several minutes of Rusev offense, Ziggler woke up the crowd with some flashy offense but it was not enough, as he was crushed and forced to submit to The Accolade…

Afterward, Lana cut a promo trashing Philly and The Rock. Rusev said Rock will pay as well as Big Show. He challenged Show to a match on Raw. The Russian flag dropped and that ended the segment. This promo drew amazing heat live…

The next Smackdown moment was one of my favorites of all time with Steve Austin beating the hell out of Booker T in a supermarket… Lilian put over the Philly chapter of Susan G. Komen and a brief video airsed… The Philadelphia Eagles players got some camera love to a nice pop…

A backstage segment aired with Rock, Triple H, and Stephanie reminiscing about their Smackdown history through the years. Rock teased him and Triple H going at it one more time and the crowd popped huge. Things started to get a little tense between the two as they teased a future WrestleMania match. Steph stepped in and called both guys winners and suggests they go get something to eat. This segment is funny as hell and is a must watch on Friday Night…

Lillian introduced another former Smackdown GM in Booker T, who got an initial loud pop that died quickly. Booker was on commentary for the next match…

5. Team Teddy (Sheamus, Mark Henry, The Usos, Los Matadores, El Torito, and Jack Swagger) beat Team Johnny (Goldust, Stardust, Heath Slater, Titus O’ Neil, Damien Mizdow, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, and Hornswoggle in the silly ass Gator outfit). It didn’t take long for things to break down as the heels regrouped on the outside. A small but pretty vocal “Sexual Chocolate” chant was heard throughout the match. Everybody got a chance to shine, but the most notable thing about this match was how over Mizdow was, which I hope WWE takes notice of because the guy is being criminally wasted. After several minutes of pretty forgettable action Sheamus was tagged in to a huge pop and went on a tear that included hitting his trademark ten clubs on Ceasro, Stardust, and Heath Slater at the same time. The Usos hit dives on the heels which popped the crowd. Ceasro, after months of non-use, broke out the Ceaaro Swing, which the crowd ate up. In the end the Usos took out Mizdow with a superkick/splash combo giving Team Teddy the win…

A Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan promo aired…

The next Smackdown moment was Stone Cold destroying the DX Express…

In what was most likely a dark segment, Team Teddy was still in the ring. Teddy’s theme played as he did his trademark dance. Booker T entered the ring and pumped the crowd by asking if they want to see a 15th anniversary spinnaronni from each member of Team Teddy. First up was Mark Henry followed by the Usos. Next was Los Matadores and Torito, Sheamus, and Swagger. Teddy even did one, which was pretty bad. Sheamus pointed out that the announce team should also do spinnaroonies. So we got one from JBL, and Booker finished us off. This was entertaining but a bit long…

The Royal Rumble is confirmed for Philly on January 25…

Kofi Kingston came out and demanded another match with Seth Rollins. Rollins came out with Mercury and Noble for the match…

6. Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury, Jamie Noble) defeated Kofi Kingston. Rollins dominated the match for the most part. Kofi made a comeback but not enough as the match ended the same way as their previous one. My guess is that this was a re-take as there was a slight botch with the finish of the original match.

Miz TV with John Cena and Dean Ambrose was up next. Miz is introduced to little reaction… The next Smackdown moment was the 9/11 tribute show..

The Miz started off the segment putting himself over followed by covering what happened between Cena and Ambrose on Raw. Miz said the match between Ambrose and Cena at HIAC will now be a No Holds Barred Contract on a Pole match. Whoever gets the contract gets Rollins in HIAC. When the hell did WWE put Vince Russo back on payroll?!?! Miz introduced Ambrose and Cena. Ambrose got a nice pop and Cena got the usual mixed reaction. Miz pointed out that Ambrose embarrassed Cena on Monday. Ambrose said that he wanted to show Cena that he takes crap from no one and that at HIAC Rollins belongs to him.

Miz gave Cena the chance for a rebuttal. Cena went into hyper mode and actually got a damn loud pop from the crowd after a little sucking up, of course. He put over Ambrose as a guy who speaks his mind. Cena pulled out two baseballs and said those are what it takes to make it in WWE. He than proceeded to bury Miz for having no balls. Cena went into preacher mode putting over Ambrose and their match at HIAC.

Miz stirred the pot by pointing out all of Cena’s accolades to Ambrose asking him if he thinks he can beat him. Ambrose responds “Yup.” Funny. Miz attempted to do the same deal to Cena, but Cena cut him off and basically told Miz that Mizdow is better than him, which led to Sandow getting another big pop. The segment ended with Cena and Ambrose beating the hell out of Miz. Cena gave Ambrose his receipt from Monday by hitting him with the Attitude Adjustment to conclude the Smackdown taping.

Dark Segment

Kane came out and told Cena that he made a mistake by taking out Ambrose with the AA, as he is booking himself and Rollins against Cena and Ambrose.

1. John Cena and Dean Ambrose defeated Seth Rollins and Kane. The heels worked over Cena for a few minutes as Ambrose sold being pissed off at ringside. Cena made a hot tag to Ambrose, who went on a tear ending with him and Cena hitting their finishers for the win. Cena and Ambrose played a game of can you top this with crowd reactions with Ambrose winning. Overall, a fun night of wrestling in Philly.×250.jpg

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Its SmackDown’s 15th Anniversary! Mon, 06 Oct 2014 19:20:33 +0000 Smackdown 500x250


In celebration of SmackDown’s 15th Anniversary, the WWE Network will air a special program titled Edge and Christian’s 15th Anniversary SmackDown Show that Totally Reeks of Awesomeness, immediately following tonight’s Raw.

One of WWE’s most entertaining duos will reunite for a look back at the show that changed the face of broadcast television.  Viewers will join Edge and Christian for a trip down memory lane to relive some of the greatest moments throughout the 15 year history of SmackDown.

The Network will continue airing classic episodes of SmackDown throughout this week.×250.jpg

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 3, 2014 (Spoilers) Wed, 01 Oct 2014 05:39:05 +0000 The Groundhog Day episode of Smackdown tonight:

John Cena wanted Seth Rollins out. Dean Ambrose wanted Seth Rollins out. Cena asked Ambrose for a truce for tonight. The Authority showed up on the video sreen and Kane announced that tonight’s main event would be Cena & Ambrose vs. Kane & Orton.

Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler b The Miz & Damien Mizdow when Ziggler pinned Mizdow. Sheamus laid out Mizdow after the match.

The first vignette of the new Luke Harper aired.

Paige b Naomi. A.J. was at ringside and attacked Alicia Fox.

Big Show came out and said that he may have gone too far when he pulled down the Russian flag. He said that he liked most Russians and said that he realizes he’d have been angry if they did the same thing to the American flag. He apologized to everyone in Russia. Rusev then came out and attacked Show with the flagpole.

Usos b Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil.
The Bunny attacked Hornswoggle at ringside.

Cesaro b R-Truth with the Neutralizer

John Cena & Dean Ambrose b Randy Orton & Kane via DQ when Seth Rollins interfered.×250.jpg

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WWE Notes: Smackdown Match, Main Event, WWE Network Launch Delayed in UK Tue, 30 Sep 2014 04:11:21 +0000 Some news and notes for WWE…

WWE is taping Smackdown and other shows tomorrow night.

Smackdown is so far scheduled to feature a tag match pitting Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler vs. Miz & Damien Mizdow

The live Main Event show on WWE Network will feature Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas.

The WWE Network was due to launch in the United Kingdom on October 1, 2014. However, no details had been released and tonight on Raw it was revealed that the launch was delayed 1 month to November 1st. The reason given was discussions with potential partners, but no further information.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 26th 2014: You Get A Title Match; You Get A Title Match; EVERYONE GETS A TITLE MATCH!! Sat, 27 Sep 2014 00:34:05 +0000 What’s up, comrades in arms? Yep, we’re at war together again, because somehow, someway, we managed to find another enemy to liberty and democracy to inflict civilian casualties and drone strikes on. According to a newspaper I walked past today, us Brits have put three years out there as a ballpark figure. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t re-use the old ‘over by Christmas’ thing; it’s the hundredth year anniversary, after all.

I’m also surprised we didn’t just send in Brock Lesnar and nobody else; it makes perfect strategic sense and then I couldn’t complain about him not being on SmackDown because that would make me a communist or something. You guys still hate communists, right? I think you had a war or something.

Dean Ambrose Obviously Watched The Marine IV

Miz is already in the ring, watching the arrival of Dean Ambrose. Okay, if these gimmicks are to be believed, that’s like making Brad Pitt fight a homeless guy. But then, that’s the first hour of Fight Club

Miz tries to jump Ambrose, who goes after him and Miz ducks out of the ring. Tyler Durden, you fucking pussy. Back in the ring, Ambrose takes the advantage with a headlock takeover, gets shot off the ropes and knocks the Miz down, then tries to roll him up. Dean winds up for a punch, but Miz ducks again, this time hanging Ambrose up on the ropes. Miz immediately goes on the assault, but Dean blocks a hip toss, tries for a punch and Miz ducks out for a third time. Back in the ring again, Ambrose takes Miz out at the legs, dropping punches and then clawing at the A-Lister’s face.

Chop and kicks to Miz in the corner, but the Awesome One hits a thumb to the eye, then his weird neckbreaker for a two count. Miz stays on offence, dropping stomps to Ambrose. JBL comments that the fact that Ambrose is willing to hurt himself is why we like him so much. I don’t know what kind of friends JBL has, but that’s never been part of my criteria; I like hookers and nuns. Dean hits a dropkick, sending Miz out of the ring once again, then crossbodies onto him and hurls him into the barricade. Damien Sandow yells at Ambrose, distracting him enough that Miz can hit a big boot. When we come back, Miz has Ambrose in the corner, stomping a mudhole. He runs at Dean, but Ambrose explodes out of the corner, taking him down. If you listen to the commentary, you actually find out how Ambrose got out of the locked room; apparently it had two doors. I mean…yeah, there’s a lot of evidence that the Authority are really not that bright, which is sort of what happens when you’re villains on a show aimed at children, but why isn’t Cena’s and Ambrose’s plan just to wait until these people manage to lock themselves in their own cars and suffocate? I swear, that’s what Bryan and Reigns are up to: there’s no surgery going on; the two of them are just playing the waiting game. Ambrose fires up, throwing shots at the moneymaker and then hitting clotheslines and a crossbody. Miz gets clotheslined out of the ring, and Dean dives through the second ropes onto him. Sandow tries to almost get himself some; Miz almost rolls up a distracted Dean, but Ambrose fights out, hitting a tornado DDT from the second rope for a near-fall.

Dean heads up high, and Sandow gets involved again, only to get clobbered in the face for his efforts. Miz makes good use of the opening, however, having the wherewithal to catch Ambrose’s flying dropkick and apply the Figure-Four! Ambrose reaches the ropes without much issue, then kicks away a second submission attempt, rebounding off the ropes to clothesline Miz to the ground.

At this point Rollins and Kane show up, looking pretty swag, and Dean gets distracted once again, allowing Miz to nearly hit the Skull-Crushing Finale before Ambrose almost off-handedly counters that into Dirty Deeds for the win.

This was decent. Ambrose had it all his own way, which he should have done, except for when a distraction allowed Miz to take advantage, which was the only way he should have done that. Smartly wrestled, and kudos to Sandow for being the most useful ringside figure ever. Good match. 2.5 Stars.

Kane and Rollins approach the ring, climbing up into the ring. Ambrose immediately goes after Seth and puts up a valiant effort against both men, low-bridging Kane out of the ring. Rollins hits a high knee, but Ambrose rebounds and levels him with a clothesline! Kane comes back as Ambrose grabs the briefcase and fucks right off. Oh hell, it’s getting really difficult to decide whether Seth’s or Dean’s antics are the more amusing; this is the greatest break-up ever.

Backstage, the Dust Brothers are still doing their WE’RE HIGH OFF OUR FUCKING BALLS schtick. Apparently the Tag Team Titles were the cosmic key, so…I’m going to have to put my hand up and admit that I was wrong about them forgetting that whole motivation. Although now I sort-of demand to know what they needed them for; even if the reason is ‘so Cody can lick them’.

Oh, and Big Show apparently took offence to Rusev knocking about his ‘I’m not a racist because I have a’ black friend Mark Henry, so we’re having a match. If they end Rusev’s streak on SmackDown, I swear I won’t know whether to feel pity, disgust or triumph.

It Must Be Weird For Ziggler Not To Be Competing In This

We’re set for a battle royal to name the number one contender to Ziggler’s IC Championship. I sort of feel like we skipped over Miz getting a rematch, but on the other hand I would rather never watch Miz do anything ever again, so I can roll with this. Okay, so some of the big names here are Jack Swagger and Cesaro. I see Bo Dallas in there already, plus Kofi and Langston. Wow, that’s actually it. Bo eliminates a Matador. Wow, how am I actually supposed to call this thing? Seriously; even the cameramen aren’t honing in on anything in particular. How do comic book villains watch their wall o’ televisions? Oops, there goes Sin Cara. Justin Gabriel’s still alive: who knew. Another Matador goes out. Bo Dallas gets triple-teamed by three black guys, and hands up whoever’s typed that into a search engine. Justin Gabriel is eliminated by Kofi. Oh, and there goes Xavier Woods at the hands of Cesaro, and Cesaro actually presses Langston up over his head before Titus jumps him. Man, that used to be the way to do it in the SmackDown games: pick a big guy, set up a Royal Rumble full of women and cruiserweights, then just gorilla press them right out of the ring. And sometimes, I would still lose. Oh, I also found out yesterday that the department store I work at sells a Heath Slater action figure. I mean…yeah. I want to find the buyer for that particular selection so I can have a frank discussion with them; I’m all for charity work, but come on. Cesaro manages to hurl Big E out as we go to break.

Back from the break, Swagger, Cesaro and Bo are still around, and Michael and JBL yell at Tom to be more enthusiastic. Yep, after every single match that those guys have barely paid attention to; hypocrisy, thy name is ‘them two fuckers’. Oh wow, Zack Ryder’s still there, and as I literally type that he gets eliminated. Out goes Titus after him. Holy hell, Slater’s still there…and now he’s not. Wow, I am the kiss of death. Okay, Sandow’s in there; that snakey bastard. If he wins the title, does Miz have to carry around the replica? Except that’s not an issue, as everyone decides that a stunt double is not a non-punchable career, and he gets thrown out. Final four with Swagger, Kofi, Bo and Cesaro. Kofi nearly goes out, and almost eliminates Bo with a skin-the-cat headscissors, before his pendulum kick takes Bo out. Cesaro gets floored with a kick, and Jack hits the Swaggerbomb. Kofi comes off the top to land on Jack’s shoulders, prompting Swagger to stagger (hah!) the entire way across the ring, before collapsing in front of the corner, dropping Kofi face-first into the ropes: that looked nasty and unplanned, so I guess the Curse of Jack Swagger is still there. Oh, but he goes for the Swaggerbomb anyway, only for Cesaro to leap out in Kofi’s defence, getting Jack on the apron. Kingston comes back, miraculously not injured after his brush with…Jack Swagger, and Cesaro nearly eliminates him. Kingston almost returns the favour, with Cesaro escaping. Kofi is thrown into Jack; Cesaro catches him, presses him and hurls him into Swagger, eliminating both men!

Okay, that was fun. Excellent ending, and thank God Kofi wasn’t incapacitated by that sick rope bump. I’d say the right guy won, but it could have been any of the final four and it would be a good match against Ziggler. 3 Stars.

The Usos are walking down the corridor when Renee Young stops and asks them to do their impression of the Rock. They oblige and it’s awful and they seem pretty lackadaisical for guys heading into a title match.


It’s tag team time as the Usos will seek to reclaim the Giant Penny belts from Goldust and Stardust. Both teams make their way to the ring, and are announced once present, to give it that big-match feel. Goldust’s facepaint is goddamn bitchin’ tonight. Almost a shame it’ll last for ten seconds after he tags in. Stardust and Jey to start things off, Stardust scoring a hip toss but then getting rolled-up and chopped. Jey hits a bodyslam, and then clotheslines the oddity out of the ring. Goldust joins him on the outside and the Usos hit dives in stereo as we go to break.

Back from commercial, the Usos are in control as Jey gets a two-count. He gets backdropped onto the apron, then distracted by Stardust so Goldust can take control, finally getting dropped to the floor. Stardust slams Jey’s head off the announce table whilst yelling ‘WHERE’S THE KEY, COLE?!’ and yeah, Michael, where the fuck is it? The ref distracts Stardust enough that Jey nearly makes break for it, but the Dusts are having none of it, and in comes Goldust, wrenching the arm.

Jey keeps on fighting, only for Goldust to slip out of a Samoan drop and rock the arm yet again before tagging in his brother. More punishment to the arm and in comes Goldust, keeping on the heat. He rips off Jey’s shirt, and that’s how I’ll be telling these two apart. Jey’s taken down again, and here’s Stardust. Jey finally rocks Stardust’s world with a clothesline, crawling to the corner, but Goldust comes back, only to get thrown out of the ring; he comes back once again, but gets Samoan dropped! Tag made, and here’s Jey and Stardust. Jey is a house of fire, hitting every move in the book on the both Dusts. He hits the Samoan Wrecking Ball on Stardust, but misses a kick and gets dumped on the outside. Goldust tries to throw himself in a somersault at the Usos, but they catch him and throw him into the barricade, before Stardust takes out both Jimmy and Jey.

Everyone’s down, with Stardust up first, throwing Jimmy in the ring and following for a two count. He heads up to the top rope, thinking moonsault, but Jimmy gets Stardust on his shoulders; Jey heads up to the top…Doomsday Device! Doomsday Device to Stardust! Jimmy tags in Jey for the splash…and Goldust breaks up the pin with titles.

Ah, that was nice. Honestly, the Usos are just great, and whilst the Wyatt matches were better, this rivalry has promise to it. And, I mean, come on. A Doomsday Device. On a 2014 SmackDown. That’s me happy. 3 Stars.

At this point, I don’t think we can say the Usos aren’t the chosen ones of the tag team world right now. What I really want is for Henry and Show to get the titles off the Dusts, and that’s who the Usos reclaim the belts from.

We relive Grand Theft Ambrose (which actually makes it sound like someone stole Ambrose, really). Then we go backstage, and Seth is bitching with his shirt off, and I’m in a very happy relationship with a woman but may I just say: DAMN. Seth wants the briefcase back, even though I’m pretty sure he still has the title shot without it. And hell, with the cinder blocks, the briefcase isn’t even his primary weapon.

Well, At Least There’s No Bellas

It’s another tag match, with Rosy-Cheeks Mendez and Natalya vs. Layla and Summer Rae. And this isn’t even me trying to make up any kind of heterosexual ground, but Natalya looks stunning with her hair like that (that wasn’t even me making up any kind of heterosexual ground). Natalya goes right for Summer Rae, who literally screams and runs away. Layla tags in, immediately getting schoolboyed for one, then hits a kick to the stomach. Natalya chain wrestles, before Layla counters an armdrag into a nice pin. Sharpshooter’s attempted and Layla immediately tags out; Nat brings Summer Rae in the hard way and levels her with that spinning clothesline. Suplex to Summer, and then knees to the corner as the ex-dancer screams. Wow, that actually just resembled assault, and I mean that in the chilling way rather than the ‘Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at SummerSlam’ way. Nat backs off, and this is apparently a Total Divas thing, so I guess that show’s still on.

Summer suckers Nattie in and brings her face into the turnbuckles, going on the offensive enough to tag out. Layla and Summer exchange frequent tags: the sign of a good tag team, I believe. Layla chokes Nat on the ropes and hits a dropkick before Summer comes back, applying a front facelock complete with legs wrapped around the waist. Shades of Jamie Noble: the security man who Ambrose seems to think he’s feuding with. Summer pulls Nat down by her hair, but Natalya still gets the tag. Rosa comes in and everyone goes wild, probably in the hopes of more nudity because there is no other reason, I assure you. Michael calls her ‘Latina heat’, and that was more insulting than any other reference WWE has made to Eddie Guerrero. Rosa hits a godawful clothesline, then a godawful dropkick and then Layla kicks her in the head. Natalya ejects Summer; Layla ejects Natalya and she rolls Rosa up for the pin, using the tights.

I’m not sure why we’re supposed to be excited about Rosa; she hit exactly two moves and both looked terrible. I mean…that’s not even unfair to say. Natalya should be doing better, more title-related things; her and Layla’s exchange to open had some really good moments to it. 2 Stars.

JBL tries to ship Michael and Tom, like the randy Texan pervert that he is.

We go back to Main Event, and apparently Mark Henry did an apology that wasn’t really an apology, but at least he wasn’t wearing his Salmon Suit of Betrayal. And then Big Show showed up and said, ‘I’ll do what you can’t do, making you look inferior to me, and that’ll totally cheer you up, right?’

Renee Young is backstage with Big Show. Oh wow, she is a tiny, tiny woman. He talks about Henry, saying that he has the world’s largest heart. Well, that sounds sort of like a health risk. And as we watch, Big Show gets taken over by the American patriotic fervour. He says that freedom comes with a price, and that price is letting your government spy on you whilst it takes bribes from big businesses to look the other way so those businesses can infringe your rights which that government is supposed to protect, all whilst a corrupt militia of men in police uniforms receive paid holidays for murder and both sides of the media manufacture facts to support whatever political sports team they’ve chosen and to sell more papers. Unless you’re not an American, in which case freedom will only happen once they’ve dropped bombs on your country, killing whoever’s in the papers this year and a lot of civilians. And hey, we’re sitting here watching professional wrestling. Okay, I had to actually pour myself some wine there, because I think I ranted myself into a genuine fury and I don’t live in America.

Oh, and Roman Reigns has had emergency surgery, and I think that video implied that he tried to piss out a hernia. Poor guy: best of luck to him for a recovery without issue.

Get Your Shit Together, Chioda

Well, here’s Cesaro, ready to fight the Intercontinental Champion after a gruelling battle royal. So, he’s the face, right? And I just can’t recognise Ziggler not in a pink shirt. I’ve been thinking about getting one of those to go to the gym in; I’ve learned that if you wear a Tough Mudder headband, you can wear whatever the hell else you want.

The combatants feel each other out, neither of them gaining an advantage. They lock up again, with Cesaro having to break it when he gets Dolph on the ropes. They jockey for position again, and again have to break it up. Cesaro kicks Ziggler in the stomach, then hits a monkey flip; Ziggler lands on his feet and hits a hip toss and an elbow. He works Cesaro in a corner before Cesaro throws him right out to the outside. Cesaro heads to the outside, hurling Ziggler into the barricade. Back in the ring, he hits his stomp, and then keylocks the arm before Dolph punches his way out. Neckbreaker reversed by Cesaro, who hits a back suplex. Abdominal stretch follows that up, as JBL calls Cesaro a ‘European hooker’. He really did (he didn’t).

Dolph escapes with a hip toss, but Cesaro still reaches his feet first, then heads up to the second rope, dropping an elbow to Dolph. Cesaro has his arm laced around Ziggler’s neck, who hits a jawbreaker to escape before running right into an uppercut, before hitting a beautiful dropkick. Fameasser attempt; Cesaro blocks; Ziggler rolls him up; Cesaro grabs the rope before the three count but Chioda counts anyway and Dolph wins.

Awesome, looks like we’re doing a feud with these two now. Cesaro just looked dangerous here, right after a battle royal and against a fairly fresh Ziggler. I love Dolph and love the fact he’s got the title, but Cesaro’s earned something, and I wouldn’t mind if it was this. 2.5 Stars.

Michael supports Cesaro, which is like…WWE Creative writing an actually-funny comedy segment? Yep, yep, it’s that.

Backstage, Renee Young hasn’t learned her lesson about Lana’s passive-aggressive only-speaks-Russian bullshit. Lana actually calls herself out on it and translates: Big Show’s going down. Man, Renee would break Lana in two.

Rusev Actually Causes American Patriotism, So Is Still A Heel

Rusev and Big Show make their way to the ring, and JBL says that we might actually see Rusev shut up, despite the fact that Rusev is a pretty close-mouthed gent. Big Show goes right on the attack, throwing punches and a clothesline. Big chop to the chest and some more strikes in the corner. Rusev manages to hit a strike to the throat, going on the attack, but Big Show hits his sunset flip and a shoulder block. Show is on fire as we go to break.

We get told not to try this at home, or we might find ourselves trying to piss out a hernia. When we rejoin the action, Big Show gets hung up on the top rope by Rusev, but he just knocks Rusev right the fuck down and then hits a headbutt. Wow, I’d actually take a win from Big Show at this rate. Michael says of one chop, ‘they can hear that in Moscow’: alright, Sarah Palin. Rusev manages to take Show out at the leg, then goes on the attack, targeting the legs furiously. Big Show’s in bad trouble, but manages to use his leg strength to back Rusev off. Big sidewalk slam to Rusev, and Michael goes crazy for the pin: off a sidewalk slam, Michael? JBL then says that beating Rusev will be at the top of a list of everything Show’s done, and didn’t Big Show beat Hulk Hogan in his WCW debut for the title? I mean, I can go and check that out for nine ninety-fucking-nine.

Show winds up the punch; Rusev ducks and hits the big kick for a two-count. He grabs a clutch around Big Show’s neck and shoulder, but Show rises to his feet, breaking out of it and hitting clotheslines again and again. Rusev ducks Big Show and…runs right into a chokeslam! Big Show calls for the KO Punch, but Lana grabs Show’s leg and is basically dragged into the ring when he steps forward. Rusev comes back and destroys Big Show with the Russian flag for the DQ.

This was new and different. The Henry match suffered from Henry pacing, but Big Show is deceptively fast for his heft. 2.5 Stars

Rusev wants to go for the kick, but then Big Show is all ‘whoops, I’ve got your leg…and you’ve got a concussion!’ Rusev is knocked into a brain-damaged tomorrow as I’ve just realised that with the Russian, the black guy and the American boxer, this is now officially Rocky IV. Does this make Jack Swagger Paulie?

I liked this show. It had some laudable matches to it, and it was just all-around entertaining. Good stuff, very good stuff. This week gets an eight.

David’s Thought of the Week: How was it possible to run out of WWE-themed sex moves this early?

One final item for your attention: this Sunday I shall be engaging in conversation with the Trashy Ring Attire gents, whilst drinking a martini that is just too damn delicious for words. I don’t know when this will be released, so this announcement is going to sort of tail off now, but just be aware. Be filled with a vague sense of alertness.

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for September 26, 2014 (Spoilers) Wed, 24 Sep 2014 03:49:53 +0000 Dark Matches

1. Tyler Breeze defeated a “local” jobber. Breeze won with the Beauty Shot in a match held prior to the Main Event show.

2. Adrian Neville defeated Sami Zayn. I got a small Ole chant going but it seems like not very many Arkansans know who Sami Zayn is. A really solid match. I love Zayn personally so it was a bummer to see him lose, but it was to be expected. Neville won with the Red Arrow which got a great reaction from the kids.

WWE Smackdown TV Taping

The Miz came out to start the show and tripped over the first ring step like a dork. Miz called out Dean Ambrose over what happened on Miz TV on WWE Main Event. Ambrose cames out to accept the challenge wearing his karate action jeans. Ambrose was really over with this crowd and Miz had a ton of heat.

1. Dean Ambrose defeated The Miz. There were some good spots throughout including Damien Mizdow teasing involvement multiple times. At one point, Damien starting shadowing Miz’s holds at ringside, which was great. There was a really good tornado DDT spot by Ambrose late in the match. Ambrose won via the Dirty Deeds headlock driver in a pretty decent opening match, but not before Seth Rollins and Kane came out to distract him a bit.

After the match, Kane and Rollins attacked Ambrose. Ambrose stole the Money in the Bank briefcase. His escape into the crowd brought him right by me and my buddy. I am the nerd in the Groot t-shirt.

2. Cesaro won a Battle Royal to become No. 1 contender to the Intercontinental Title. Big E, Kofi, and Xavier Woods were all wearing similar color schemes on their tights and acting like a team. Los Matadores, Justin Gabriel, Mizdow, Heath Slater Gator, Bo Dallas, Zack Ryder, Cesaro, and Jack Swagger were the other entrants. There was a really nasty elimination of Big E by Cesaro. He gorilla pressed him over the top rope. There was also a good square off spot where Kofi, Swagger, Ceasro, and Bo all ganged up on Mizdow. The final three were Kofi, Swagger, and Swagger with Cesaro winning by gorilla press tossing Kofi into Swagger and knocking them both over the top rope in a really impressive spot…

There was a backstage segment with Renee Young interviewing The Usos about their tag title match with Goldust and Stardust. The Usos said they have a checklist with only one item missing and that is the tag team titles, but that check is coming soon…

3. The Uso Brothers defeated Goldust and Stardust by DQ. The Usos were out first to a decent reaction, but I was live for Night of Champions and Raw where they were more over. The double dive got everyone fired up and always looks good. Good heel tactics by HeelDust early on, but nothing out of the ordinary for them. Great comeback rally for the Usos after a long stretch of offense by HeelDust. Goldust went for his front flip from the apron and was caught by the Usos for a nice spot. A little bit later the Usos hit a really nasty Doomsday Device on Stardust followed by the splash but the pin was broken up by Goldust with a title shot to the covering Uso for some great heat to end the match…

In a backstage segment, Seth Rollins complained to Kane about Ambrose taking the MITB briefcase. Rollins said that if Ambrose doesn’t return the briefcase in its exact condition then the cinderblock spot will look like child’s play…

4. Dolph Ziggler beat Cesaro to retain the Intercontinental Title. We didn’t get the advertised injury update, but we got Cesaro entering for the IC title match he won earlier in the taping. Ziggler got a great pop. Cesaro used the ropes during an abdominal stretch spot which garnered almost zero heat. This crowd is either dead or terrible. Cesaro did his spot where he uses the middle rope as a trapeze into an elbow drop which was cool. Cesaro countered a Fameasser attempt into a powerbomb attempt only to have Ziggler sunset flip him for the win which was really weak. I like Ziggler a lot, but that was weaksauce…

Backstage, Lana and Rusev were interviewed. Lana said anything in Rusev’s way he crushes…

6. Big Show defeated Rusev by DQ. Rusev and Lana out next for the main event followed by Big Show with the pop of the night. He is always really over in Little Rock. Big Show controlled the action early and really manhandled Rusev for a huge chunk of the match. I think I was the only Rusev fan in the building. Rusev finally hit a chop block and went on the offensive with lots of leg based attacks. Big Show hit a sidewalk slam to balance things out and set up for the KO punch. Rusev ducked and hit the jump kick.

Big Show hit a chokeslam out of nowhere and set up for the KO punch again but Lana grabbed his leg and was dragged into the ring. Rusev grabbed the Russian flag and hit Big Show for the DQ finish. Big Show caught a kick after the match and finally did connect with the KO punch to end the taping with Rusev flat out…×250.jpg

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WWE Smackdown Taping News: Match Announced, Dean Ambrose on Main Event Tue, 23 Sep 2014 06:16:28 +0000 Some notes for Tuesdays’ TV

WWE is taping Friday Night Smackdown on Tuesday in Little Rock, and has announced some items for the show.

For Smackdown:

WWE Tag Team Titles
Gold & Star Dust (c) vs. The Usos

Plus, on the WWE Main Event show, there will be an edition of Miz TV with Dean Ambrose.

They announced that 10/10 will be Smackdown’s 15th anniversary show.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE Smackdown Staying On Friday Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:58:04 +0000 In an apparently changes of plans, WWE Friday Night Smackdown is indeed staying on Fridays.

It was widely expected that the show would be moving to Thursday nights on Syfy in the new fall season. Early Syfy lineups had the change in place, and TNA Impact actually moved to Wednesday as a pre-emptive measure.

However, Syfy has had success in promoting a new series “Spartacus” on Thursdays and has decided to keep the show on Thursdays. That means that Smackdown will not move and stay on Fridays after all.

No word on if Spike TV will move Impact back to Thursdays, or if a new network would put TNA on Wednesday or Thursday for 2015.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 19th 2014: The One Where David Hates Everything Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:42:20 +0000 Hi hi hi there, wrestling fans. Due to circumstances beyond my control, and entirely due to the rampant amount of motherfuckers existing within my vast and gelatinous personal bubble, I am in a foul mood tonight. Therefore I shall be putting this flame-eyed fury to good use, treating SmackDown tonight like the child I will one day mentally and emotionally torment until they snap and kill me (not my biological or even legal child; I’m probably going clone one). I’m letting myself have this one; I generally do a pretty decent job holding in my temper as WWE Creative waddles around and wets itself like a…I want to say ‘retarded penguin’, but that sort of makes assumptions about their cuteness.

Hideously deformed, retarded penguin.


We’re reminded once again that wrestling fans’ lack of sex or combination of sex and SmackDown means that the blue show is number one on Friday nights. And tonight, Rusev will face Roman Reigns in a match I just bet will have a finish so stuffed with bullshit that I could use it to bury the fucking farmers who insist on using bullshit to fertilise their fields (I sort of live within smelling-distance of some farms).

Raindrops On Roses, Whiskers On Kittens

Well, here are the Usos, and apparently Jimmy or Jey (like they even have separate personalities) is A-okay knee-wise. Sort of makes Ambrose look like a taped-up pussy, doesn’t it? Tonight, Jimmy will be facing Stardust for our…amusement? Entertainment? Hideously deformed, retarded penguin? And do they actually drug-test Stardust, or just check the trunk of his car for mutilated hookers?

They tie up, with Jimmy punching and chopping Stardust away, then levelling him with a clothesline. Stardust gets waistlocked, but uses the ropes to escape, counters a Samoan drop into a neckbreaker and then stomps away. He hits a Rhodes Uppercut, only kicking him instead, and then runs right into a kick, ducks another one, tries a roll-up, gets superkicked and Jimmy wins.

Unexpectedly quick, and way to build the Dust Bunnies as a credible threat. I doubt there was much they could do to match the intensity of the Uso/Wyatt matches, but this just isn’t getting my interest. 1.5 Stars.

Goldust tries to jump the Usos post-match and gets double-superkicked. You know who that wouldn’t happen to? A team that could beat the Usos. But considering that these guys are the lovechild of eighties cinema, an astronomer and various rapist clowns, what more should we expect?

Bright Copper Kettles And Warm Woolen Mittens

When we come back, Ziggler and Sheamus are going to face Miz and Cesaro in a tag match. I could get rid of half of the participants to get a match I’d actually want to see out of that, and right now I’d happily use acid to accomplish that. See, if Sheamus was on commentary, I would probably be charmed by his laconic wit to become less angry. But he’s wrestling, so my fury shall only increase.

Cesaro and Ziggler to start, and well done, WWE: those were the ones who would not be dipped in acid. Cesaro outwrestles Ziggler to start, headlocking and taking Dolph over, and the two men chain wrestle until Cesaro knocks him down off the ropes. Headlock takeover again by the Swiss Superman; they play counter-counter-reverse until Dolph ends the combinations with a dropkick; Miz distracts Ziggler and Cesaro hits his catch-backbreaker. Fuck you, WWE, for cooling my rage with some goddamn beautiful wrestling. I’m actually angry at being appeased, and now I’m confused.

Oh, Miz has just tagged in: we’re back to rage. He kicks Ziggler in the face for two, then gets small-packaged by Dolph for two, then Ziggler scores with a neckbreaker. Fameasser misses, and Miz hits his neckbreaker. We come back from the break, and Miz is in control. He hits his corner-clothesline on Ziggler and heads up top; maybe he’ll break his neck, but no, he hits an axe-handle. Sleeper hold to Ziggler, but the blonde man hits a jawbreaker to escape and both men are down. Miz gets the tag to Cesaro, who tries to knock Sheamus off the apron, but gets clobbered in return. Still, he stops Ziggler escaping for several moments, until Dolph scores with his DDT, crawling to Sheamus and getting the tag as Miz comes in.

Sheamus goes on a rampage, hitting everything in sight before pounding Miz’s chest and giving him the rolling senton. Irish Curse follows; Cesaro breaks up the pin and gets thrown out of the ring by Dolph, who in turn gets tossed by Miz. Miz runs into a bodyslam from Sheamus, and Sandow gets up on the apron for the distraction. Sheamus tries to hit his clubbing blows to the chest, but Sandow escapes only to get taken out by R-Truth. Miz tries to roll up Sheamus; Sheamus kicks out and eats a DDT for two. R-Truth distracts Miz and the referee enough for Ziggler to superkick Miz, who then takes a Brogue Kick for the loss.

The highlight was definitely Ziggler vs. Cesaro to open; the rest was the usual uninspired Sheamus and Miz-esque affair. 2.5 Stars.

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings

In case anyone wasn’t contemplating suicide just yet, it’s Heath Slater vs. Adam Rose. Remember when I was seriously excited about Adam Rose, and came up with a tonne of suggestions for fun little bits he could do? Yeah, me too, and I’m still pissed that what I shall call ‘this fucking bullshit’ happened instead.

Slater punches Adam Rose to the ground, and I’d kind of like to do that to his gimmick. He runs into a boot; Rose hits a crossbody off the top and then takes Slater over with a headlock. Heath hits a back suplex and goes back on the assault. Kick to the ribs and then the face, which I can’t admit to not enjoying. God, am I enjoying Slater? Heath jumps off the second rope, right into Adam Rose’s boot. He misses a stinger splash, getting knocked around by Rose, taking a big spinebuster. Rose gets tripped by Titus O’Neil and nearly gets pinned by Slater. Oh, and the fucking bunny rabbit gets in the ring. Yep, yep, go ahead; yeah, just throw yourself onto Titus: I. Do not. Care. In the confusion, presumably at just who on earth actually okayed something so mind-rapingly stupid, Adam Rose hits Party Foul for the win.

I keep forgetting that the Bunny is involved, and I’m happier when I do. He joins the club which also holds El Torito and Hornswoggle: ‘Things David Spain Would Joyfully Set On Fire’. 0.5 Stars.

On a side note, I actually think I can hear gunfire. That’s sort of worrying, but being shot might honestly be preferable to watching SmackDown. If any readers tonight have been shot, please compare the experience to watching this episode of SmackDown in the comments section.

Oh my God, we’re recapping the USA Rally by Mark Henry. Seriously. That shit actually finished the go-home episode to a PPV which has Brock Lesnar headlining. I mean…who got blown and just how well for that line of thought to be incorporated into reality?

Renee Young is backstage, and also Lana and Rusev. Lana speaks Russian in answer to Renee’s questions, and I would have paid so much for Renee to be able to understand Russian perfectly for that bit.

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s Los Matadores. I picked a really great show to be furious during. And they’re partnering with the Big Show. I’d say that this is going to drive me to drink, but that is false; the half-bottle of Jameson a good friend of mine gifted me is going to drive me to drink. Seriously, guys, try Jameson. These various-sized wastes of space are going to be facing the Wyatt Family, and despite the fact that the Shield never won a match against the Wyatt Family, I feel like they won the war. Because they are not doing this thing.

We come back to one of the interchangeable masked idiots taking it to Erick Rowan. Oh God, this is awful and I’ve seen three seconds of it. Rowan hits a fallaway slam, and good. Good. Bray comes in and hits a suplex and his back senton. Bray tags in Harper, who keeps up his roughneck offence as he grounds Masked Idiot 1. Michael gets all snooty about Luke Harper’s hygiene, and I’d agree with him except that would involve agreeing with Michael Cole, and there are a thousand things I would do to myself with a meat grinder before I hit that particular low.

Harper steps on Masked Idiot 1’s throat, fulfilling a personal fantasy of mine, and tags in Rowan. The Matador tags in Big Show, who actually gets taken down fairly handily by Rowan, who tags Wyatt in. Wyatt is all the hell over Show, hitting a DDT to keep him down and then tags in Harper. Harper Gator Rolls Big Show before latching on a headlock. Show throws some hands, bounces off the ropes and…did Harper just hit a calf kick? Holy shit. Tag to Rowan, then to Wyatt, who cuts Big Show off from his partners, and Harper comes back in, wrapping a forearm across Show’s face. Big Show finally comes back with a back suplex, and then comes off the second rope for a splash; Harper dodges and then takes out one of the Matadores: they’re literally that annoying.

Bray tags in, and headlocks Big Show, your five hundred pound face-in-peril. Another back suplex gets Show out of that predicament, and he gets the tag to one of those interchangeable masked guys. He keeps knocking Bray Wyatt down, and that just hurts to watch. Bray thankfully flattens him, as Rowan and Harper do to the other Matador and Big Show on the outside. Diego (I guess) hurls himself out onto Harper, then hangs Bray up on the ropes and heads up top; his dive misses, and Bray hits that goddamned delightful running Sister Abigail for the win.

Aside from the finish, I hated a lot of this. This isn’t even due to anger; this was mainly due to Los Matadores and partly due to Big Show. I guess the match was decent enough to earn 2 Stars, because the Wyatts made these guys their bitches throughout.

Our second RAW recap deals with Roman and Seth’s match, and was I the only one who thought it was a strange move to give away a PPV match on free TV the week before the PPV? Renee is with her main squeeze, Reigns, backstage, and he lays out his mission to punch everyone who isn’t him in the face. Probably not Renee either, unless they’re both into that.

Apparently the Slam of the Week was from a match involving the Bellas. I’d like to say I have no words, but I actually have some: my arse.

Cream-Coloured Ponies And Crisp Apple Streudels

AJ’s on commentary, and Paige is in action. Wow, we could be in for another Slam of the Week, guys! Oh, she’s facing Nikki. Man, I almost feel bad mocking this show. No…no, I don’t.

Paige shoves Nikki, who shoves her back, and Paige tackles the fuck out of Nikki and punches her around. Nikki hits a knee from the second rope, pulling on the hair of Paige as AJ watches sedately. Paige manages to kick Nikki to the outside, taking control and applying a sleeper. Nikki fights her way out of it, hitting some forearms to Paige’s face, who stops her momentum with a kick to the stomach. Nikki ducks a clothesline, hitting one of her own in return, then a very sloppy backdrop. Paige hits a kick to the throat, then the Ike Turner for the win.

This was actually kind of inoffensive. That’s as nice as I’m going to be until I find that damn whiskey. 2 Stars.

After the match, AJ once again steals Paige’s title/baby/boyfriend, and then Nikki snatches the belt and hits both women with it. Michaels says that Nikki is frustrated that she hasn’t gotten the recognition that AJ and Paige have and 1) I don’t believe Michael should act like he knows a single thing about women and 2) Nikki might want to remedy that by becoming a far, far, far, far, far, far better wrestler and actor than she is now.

Doorbells And Sleigh Bells And Schnitzel With Noodles

So, despite the fact that Swagger made Bo Dallas tap on Monday, we’re still doing this. Jack immediately forces Bo into the corner, and the ref separates them. They lock up again, and Jack once again forces Bo into the ropes. Dallas slaps Jack right in the face, and then runs away from Swagger, but Jack is a douche-seeking missile, finally reaching a clotheslining Bo on the outside. He slams Bo’s face off the announce table, and then hurls him back in the ring. Bo catches Jack on the apron, neckbreaker-ing him inside the ring, now firmly in control. Headlock applied to Jack as Zeb looks on from the outside. Jack fights out, managing to big boot Bo (hah) and hit the Swagger Bomb. An amateur slam is attempted, but Bo skips out of it and out of the ring, but Jack catches him again, applying the Patriot Lock with Bo on the ropes. After the ref forces the break, Bo hangs Jack’s arm on the ropes, and hits the Bo Dog for the win.

This was fairly hard-hitting, actually. Rather enjoyed that affair. And yes, I have just found the whiskey. JAMESON!! 2.5 Stars.

Bo gets on the mic and says that it looks like Jack has lost his Swagger. This. Fucking. Guy. He tells Jack he doesn’t want to end up like Zeb and rags on the elderly. Jack ends up kicking Bo in the face to cut him off, and Bo actually looks kind of sad about it. Aw.

Recap about Brock Lesnar and John Cena’s off-the-chart sexual tension. Don’t tell me I’m the only one who sees this for what it is.

Renee is earning her money tonight, now interviewing Mark Henry. He drags up that whole Olympic story again; nobody cares, Mark. Nobody remembered until you started bringing it up all the time.

Wild Geese That Fly With The Moon On Their Wings

Main event time. Reigns and Rusev make their way to the ring, and I love the fact that Roman’s decided that, due to the fact he couldn’t get his hands on Rollins until Sunday, he might as well try to break an undefeated streak instead.

The two behemoths tie up, neither one gaining the upper hand and eventually they spill out of the ring. Rusev kicks Reigns and tries to claw his head, but Roman forces him away and they head back into the ring; Reigns ducks a charge from Rusev, then slams an elbow into his face. Another kick from Rusev turns the tide, and Roman’s down with Rusev trying to keep him there. Rusev takes Reigns into the corner, working him over. Bearhug to Reigns, trying to sap Roman’s strength, but Reigns fights out, coming off the second rope right onto Rusev, only for Rusev to again turn the tables with a huge spinning kick as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Rusev has Roman on the ground, bearhug locked right in there. Roman powers up to his feet, and straight-up headbutts his way free. Rusev throws him into the corner and squashes him in there once, but the second time he runs into a boot. Roman tries a Superman Punch, misses, but still takes Rusev down with a clothesline. Both men are floored, with both reaching their feet at the same time, and the momentum is up for grabs. Rusev staggers Roman, but then runs right into a Samoan Drop!

Clothesline to Rusev in the corner, then again in the centre of the ring. Another clothesline, then a fist, then a boot. Roman’s in firm control, and he hits the apron dropkick! Oh, and here’s Seth Rollins! Bullshit! Rusev hits a superkick! Bullshit! The Accolade is almost applied, but Reigns counters with his variation of a back suplex. Rollins goes up to the top rope, and tries to hit Reigns with the briefcase, but Roman dodges and Seth hits Rusev for the DQ! Bullshit, but amusing!

I liked how this was played out. To quote one Jim Ross, not ballet, but an interesting story and one where every move seemed to count more than it usually does in terms of control and counters. 2.5 Stars.

Reigns clotheslines Rollins out of the ring, and hits the Superman Punch to Rusev. Rollins pulls Roman out of the ring, and the brawl is on at ringside. Seth’s thrown into the crowd, and decides to hightail it, with Roman in pursuit.

Rusev gets his hand raised, but here’s Mark Henry for your patriotic BS. He SUMMONS THE FLAG in his own right, and Henry enters the ring only for Rusev to be all over him. Henry doesn’t seem to be affected by puny Russian power, and shoves Rusev down. World’s Strongest Slam, and that better be the price for Rusev beating Henry this Sunday because, honestly, I can’t stand to see America winning after this nonsense.

Okay, sarcasm and random rage aside? I was unimpressed. I’m sure they tried, but trying isn’t enough. Vince McMahon tries to be in touch with a modern viewership. Internal Affairs tries to stop American police from shooting people for no reason and getting protected by their peers. Some Scottish people tried to get independence. It’s not enough, and neither was this. Five.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Wade Barrett Part 2. Slap your wang against your partner’s stomach whilst shouting ‘CAN I HAVE SOME DECORUM?!’ (I guarantee, at least one person has done that already. No, not me).

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Forever Heel’s Raw Heel Rundown: Randy Orton Proves He’s Not Always a Brooding Tool. Mon, 15 Sep 2014 18:11:24 +0000 I wanted to start by wishing Sean O’Haire good luck on his new journey. I covered his evil life coach gimmick in an old Forever Heel profile. Just the promos for this gimmick made O’Haire bigger than Jesus. Since he was going to be a big heel on the SmackDown, WWE decided to début him as a face, and take him off tv for a few weeks. Heel Sean O’Hare finally re-debuted as a generic heel and protegé of Roddy Piper. He was also going to be a big player in WCW before it folded. He’d be great sparring with Cena about what’s really inspiring.

I saw Raw this week and wanted to comment seriously about the heels. They did pretty good this week, despite having no Bo.  Raw could really use Johnny B. Badd. I mean the Little Richard version from the early 90’s. Bill Watts must have loved that gimmick?

Raw Heel Rundown

Miz is doing great in his program with Dolph. I actually care about this feud and title now. I also think Sandow carved out a nice place for himself. I’m sure Damien will get attacked by Miz. Hopefully after that Sandow will stay heel. I know he deserves a bigger singles push, but so did Val Venis, and Lance Storm. Getting back to the Miz, I really enjoy his Hollywood gimmick, and hope it leads to a funny bit with the Rock.

Did you know King is still on Raw? He is, and he’s proving he can’t stay in his chair during the Russian national anthem. Is Vince afraid of Lawler? Why isn’t King ever fired? I still love Jerry, but it seems WWE never f’ with him? Oh and JBL hates The Bunny.

Paul Heyman’s promo, with Cena proves not even Paul can carry Cena all the time. Cena launched into another bs promo about how a heel turn would only be enjoyed by seven IWC guys. He then blathers on about kids liking him, and how dads respect him. Cena even made up some story about how a soldier gave his Purple Heart to Cena. The poor guy was inspired by Cena to get better. I was hoping Bo Dallas was going to come out, but instead Cena bullied Heyman into a match for next week. I could be watching Nitro.

I was stunned to discover that Cesaro, Sheamus, and the USA Belt are still in the WWE. I hate Cesaro’s music and his dumb robes, and “The King of Swing”, name is really stupid. Sheamus seems to have received  Barrett’s old street brawler gimmick, and he’s not supposed to talk? Also why is he wearing orange, wouldn’t a guy from North Ireland be a heel? He could help Paige, and Barrett as a U.K.’er. Hopefully the blow off for this feud is that the US Title will blowup, and Cesaro, and Sheamus are given a WWE film career. It could be called “Fella and Murse”, two cops yada yada yada.

I sped through the Jerry Springer segment, but it looked funny. I’m rooting for both Bellas because they both seem to be heels. I have to say that JJ Bella’s pants and loafers are ridiculous, and his jacket fit like he was channeling Pee-Wee Herman.

I’m getting paranoid that WWE is changing the colors of their ropes throughout Raw, just to mess with me?

Orton had promised that he was going to make an impact on Raw, and he did. He had the ring crew bring down the cage, around he and Reigns. Orton, Kane, and Seth Rollins then beat down Roman Reigns. Reigns tried to beat them all up a few times, but Orton friggin owned him, like Kobe owns his chair.

Heel of the Week: Randy “The Ram” Orton.

Top 5 guys that shouldn’t be at your wedding

5) Stephanie McMahon

4) Triple H

3) Kane

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for September 12, 2014 (Spoilers) Wed, 10 Sep 2014 05:31:28 +0000 Results from tonight’s Smackdown tapings in Wilkes-Barre, PA

Main Event

Seth Rollins b Jack Swagger with the curb stomp

Cesaro b Zack Ryder via leg submission

Adam Rose b Titus O’Neil with a roll-up after distraction from the bunny

The Ascension b Los Matadores with the high-low


Usos & Big Show & Mark Henry b Goldust & Stardust & Erick Rowan & Luke Harper – Bray Wyatt was at ringside. Big Show knocked out Goldust and Jey Uso pinned him after a splash.

Kane & Randy Orton & Seth Rollins talked about finishing Roman Reigns on Raw. This led to the announcement of Orton & Rollins vs. Reigns & Chris Jericho.

Bo Dallas b Justin Gabriel – Dallas won and Jack Swagger chased him away after the match. Zeb Colter had cut a pro-USA promo before the match started when he and Swagger came out.

Paige b Summer Rae – A.J. was doing commentary. Lots of C.M. Punk chants. Paige won with the black widow. Layla was at ringside with Summer Rae and A.J. used Paige’s own Paige Turner on Layla as part of the mind games.

Mark Henry b Rusev in the arm wrestling match.

Lana and Rusev wanted a rematch left handed.

This time Lana threw powder in Henry’s eyes and Rusev beat him down and left him laying.

R-Truth & Dolph Ziggler b The Miz & Damien Mizdow. R-Truth dressed up like Ziggler and Ziggler claimed he was his stunt double.

Chris Jericho & Roman Reigns b Seth Rollins & Randy Orton. Jericho pinned Orton with a roll-up.

This led to Jericho vs. Orton and Reigns vs. Rollins being added to Night of Champions.×250.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 9th 2014: What Did We Do To Deserve This (In A Good Way)? Fri, 05 Sep 2014 22:29:34 +0000 Good evening to you all. I’ve had rather a nice day off, relaxing, writing and watching some Dutch movies for the first time. Did you know that the Dutch make some fucked-up movies? I didn’t. With that being said, it’s time to get this review done so that I can go and watch moar.

It starts, as ever it must, with Brock Lesnar and John Cena II: ‘Opus Dei’. I love that Brock Lesnar seems to count Cena wanting a rematch as a failure on his part; that guy is such a perfectionist. And I am sticking to my guns and saying the only way I’d be happy with a Cena victory would be if Lesnar keeled over after the bell rang, and then Cena showed footage of Roman Reigns poisoning everything Lesnar ate or drank over the last month.

Cena comes out all red and cheerful, like a man whose near-cannibalisation on live TV was not applauded by every wrestling website in the world. He makes some joke about your strange sports and colours, and we’re in Nebraska. He says that he’s facing Lesnar in three weeks, just in case we were worried that what happened on RAW meant anything. He gripes about people thinking he shouldn’t wrestle Lesnar, and considering that CM Punk, the Undertaker, Triple H and a bunch of Ruthless Aggression era guys have all put on less baby-sealesque displays against Brock, I don’t know why he doesn’t understand about the situation. Seriously, the Hardy Boyz did better against Lesnar than Cena did. He then shills the Network and can we all. Just. Fucking. Stop.

Kane and Seth Rollins come out with mics and start heckling Cena a la Statler and Waldorf, which is actually about as funny as the concept sounds. Cena mocks them, and that material was more comedic than literally anything you’ve ever said into a microphone, John. He then proves it by…yep, trying comedy. Kane once again makes his job description weird by threatening Cena with ADMINISTRATIVE ABILITY, and this brings out Roman Reigns. And can we all admire the fact that on RAW, he straight-up laughed about almost crushing Seth Rollins’ skull? What an amazing psychopath. He says that Orton’s not here tonight, so he feels like he might casually assault Seth and Kane some more. Cena’s up for that, because Brock Lesnar thinks that SmackDown! is a sex move and always changes the subject when Heyman mentions it. Kane and Rollins laugh at them, and these guys are like Mean Girls tonight, and I love it. Oh, and the Wyatts show up. Oh, and then Chris Jericho shows up. Oh, and Mark Henry and Big Show shows up. Oh, and Triple H shows up? Fuck it, this already better than your average show. Hunter bitches about having basically an amazing job, and then imitates Teddy Long, which is just points for him and makes a ten-man tag match. Hell, that was hilarious. Even with Cena’s involvement and Triple H’s ‘can I laugh at this?’ impression of a black man. Dutch movies full of nudity can wait.

Wow, First The Fappening And Now This

Sheamus is on commentary when we come back, and I was pleasantly surprised by how inoffensive he was last time. He just sounded like a nice, fairly humorous, up-for-some-craic guy out there, so why can’t he be like that always? Oh, and Ziggler’s fighting Cesaro, so…seriously, what’s happening here? Why are good things happening on SmackDown!?

Bell ring-a-ding-dings and we get set for our first match. Ziggler gets taken over by Cesaro, who slaps the back of his head and puts him in a sleeper. Ziggler shoots him off the ropes and gets knocked down, goes for a hip-toss, gets countered, and Dolph hits the neckbreaker. Cesaro runs into a back elbow; Dolph tries to fly from the second rope, gets caught in mid-air and back-breakered. Punch to Ziggler’s face, and Cesaro chokes him on the ropes before hitting an uppercut from the outside. He wrenches Ziggler’s head, and Sheamus seems to have the mystical power to make commentary sound like a conversation between friends in a bar; is he a Cole-whisperer? Sunset flip from Ziggler, and Cesaro stops him from getting out of the box, pummelling him and wrenching the head again.

Another sunset flip attempt from Ziggler, and this time Cesaro presses him and drops Ziggler right onto his knee. When we come back, Dolph’s trying to fight back, hitting a neckbreaker and a dropkick, but the moment is overshadowed by Sheamus suddenly exclaiming: ‘Tom, I forgot you were there for a second!’ See, this Sheamus is amazing; this Sheamus is just every Irish guy I’ve gotten drunk with. Is he drunk? Ziggler tries to splash Cesaro, but gets the fuck uppercutted out of him. Cesaro goes for a double-underhook, but teases a pedigree enough to make me believe he’ll be getting fired over the weekend; Ziggler counters into a facebuster for two, and then catches Cesaro in a sleeper. Cesaro breaks out of it in the corner, then catches Ziggler’s kick; big DDT from Ziggler! Both athletes regain their feet, only for Cesaro to clothesline Ziggler. He tries to finish it, but Ziggler rolls him up for the three!

Great match, and definitely an argument for this being the preferred coupling at Night of Champions. Just have the US Title match be Sheamus stomping on Miz’s face for ten minutes; it’d be worth it. 3.5 Stars.

Cesaro’s pissed, and thinks a good way to deal with this emotion is to assault Ziggler, so does so. Sheamus comes in to back him off, and we’ve got a stare-down! Until Sheamus tosses Cesaro the belt and Brogue Kicks him.

Stardust is backstage, doing a Gollum impression. Goldust shows up to chill him out, and I think the villainous route was the best idea for this gimmick; Cody is just creepy as hell.

At Least Now I Can Tell The Usos Apart

Aw, Jay’s on a crutch, but still does the haka chant. That’s kind of really sad. Oh, and Jimmy’s going to be facing Heath Slater. That’s…even sadder. And I like to consider Jay’s injury a punishment for his and Jimmy’s constant involvement in the Cena-Wyatt feud.

Jimmy and Heath tie up, and Jimmy chops Slater in the corners. He ducks a clothesline, but Slater avoids a splash and hits a neckbreaker for two. Okay, the fact that Slater actually hit offence here makes this match more of a squash than Lesnar-Cena. John starts talking about cooking and euthanising bunnies, which warrants a rewind from me. Jimmy fights his way out of a sleeper, but gets dragged face-first into the corner. Slater gets kicked and eats a corkscrew moonsault for two. Titus gets on the apron, but Jay distracts him and Jimmy kicks him back to the outside. Kick from Heath to Jimmy, who manages to catch Slater coming off the top with a superkick, and then hits the Samoan Splash for three.

None too bad. Slater’s ridiculous arching of his body and fall-delay in taking that kick was the highlight of the match. 2.5 Stars.

We head back to Monday night, where it turns out that Stephanie’s way of showing she likes you is putting you in a match with someone who could destroy you. No, not Jack Swagger. Yep, it’s Nikki vs. Paige, and it’s time to find out whether Paige’s lesbian shtick extends to people who aren’t AJ. Man, lesbians and twins: they really are trying to sell the Network, aren’t they? Oh, and let me just say, I’m with Nikki here. Yeah, sure, I thought she was kind of an asshole at first, but then my little sister came home at 3:30am, having neglected to take her front door keys, and woke me up to let her in the house. And now my sister could be in a match against the Miz, and Sheamus, and John Cena, and Michael Cole, and I’d still interfere just to make sure she lost. So…yeah, if even a little bit of what Nikki says is true: fuck Brie.

We see Steph sitting alone in an empty conference room which, as it turns out, is actually the full complement of the WWE Creative team. She says that Night of Champions will have a match where Paige will defend her belt against Nikki and AJ. Oh, because having Natalya in that match, and therefore three women who could wrestle well, was just an insane line of thought.

Not-Renee is backstage with Not-Natalya. Wow, she is as wooden as a desk of purest mahogany. Yeah, fine, fuck Nikki, and I’ll forgive my sister as well. God, WWE, way to be my conscience.

Rusev and Lana are in the ring to address Mark Henry. Lana actually provides the correct definition for ‘oxymoron’ and then furthers that with a joke about China’s economic and manufactural presence on the world stage. Oh my God, I actually laughed at that one. They SUMMON THE FLAG (totally how I’m writing that from now on), and here’s Mark Henry. His first line is telling Lana she talks too much, which gets a cheer. I won’t make a joke about a black man in Nebraska using sexism to get the crowd on his side but…oh, wait. If I ever get these stereotypes wrong, by the way, do let me know. He also then says that Lana looks like an escort, and that’s kind of a dick move, Mark. I’m on Lana’s side now, so also Rusev’s by association. She says that Rusev will beat America’s former Olympian, and please let this mean that Angle’s coming back for one more match in a ridiculous swerve.

I Like To Think That Was Brie Warging Into AJ

Oh God, Jerry Springer’s going to be on RAW and he’ll be talking to the Bellas. Well, that’s probably half an hour worth of crap I’ll be skipping on Tuesday. Nikki and AJ are on commentary, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have Nikki placed beside someone who can, you know, actually display emotion. Oh, and Brie won better entrance music than Nikki in the split. Well, it’s better than what happened to Rollins and Ambrose. Brie will be facing Paige, and that’s good entrance music. Seth should steal it. AJ apparently could not give less of a shit about any of this, which is the best role for her.

Bell rings and Paige trash-talks Brie, but with her accent it sounds really polite and Brie comes off as rude for not thanking her. Brie punches Paige, who knees her in the stomach, but Brie takes her over and they brawl. Paige is thrown across the ring by Brie, and they brawl outside the ring: wild. Brie takes a spill and takes a while to get back inside, and Paige wails on her inside. Headbutts to Brie, as AJ refers to the Diva’s Championship as both her ex-boyfriend and her baby within moments of each other. Ew. Big clothesline to Paige, then a dropkick. Holy hell, Brie’s getting YES chants. That’s actually kind of sweet. Running knees to Paige, and AJ moves to confront Nikki for no reason as Brie hits a missile dropkick. Nikki shoves AJ, so AJ just jumps her: hell yeah. Brie then defends her sister, and I’ll rant about that in a second…yep, Rampaige ends it.

Well, AJ assaulting Nikki to underline the ‘we don’t want you here’ message of anyone interested in good quality Divas matches was a plus. The rest…whatever, I guess. Oh, and Brie? The woman wished that you died in the womb. If someone attacks her, particularly someone capable of kicking her ass, let her do it. Don’t lose a match over the Divas Champion to save her. 2 Stars.

Braymakes some lyrical threats about Chris Jericho in advance of their steel cage match.

Hey, Zack Ryder’s On…Yep

Bo Dallas will be facing Zack Ryder, and there’s a guy who needs to Bo-lieve if ever there was one. And also needs to make his lips less freakishly pink against that tan of his: Christ. Big dropkick to Dallas, who throws it off straight away and back suplexes him. Face-first slam by Ryder, but Bo slams him back against the mat, hits the Bo Dog and it’s over.

Yep. 2 Stars.

Bo takes the mic and mocks Nebraska. Straight up heelin’. But here’s Jack Swagger, here to beat on that ridiculously cheerful guy. Wow, Bo actually stands his ground and takes it to Swagger for a moment, but Jack slams him before hitting more punches. Patriot Lock is almost applied before Bo gets booted out of the ring. Zeb gets on the mic and does his xenophobe oath.

Replay of Ambrose getting cinderblocked. Cue some random comment I made and inadvisable encouragement I received from CB, I’m now writing a short screenplay about Ambrose going missing after his hospitalisation, with both Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns tracking him down. I’ve no idea why I’m doing this, but I have to do something when I get drunk.

Epic-Length Tag Team Time

The ten participants make their entrances mainly during the break. And as much as I’d switch a couple of these guys out to make a real dream match, I’m happy about this. Big Show starts off against Rollins as Jericho gets chants. Show makes quick early work of Rollins in the corner and tags in Henry. Rollins is straight-up squashed in the face corner, and tastes the JYD tribute. Tag back to Big Show, and I’ve just realised that these two have colour coordinated. Seth finally slides out of a gorilla press and tags in Bray, who runs into a…I don’t even know what that was. Bray seems elated, and gets thrown into his corner before Rowan gets the tag. He actually takes it to Big Show before Show does the sunset flip and a flying shoulder-block. What has Big Show been drinking? Did Sheamus get him drunk? Tag back to Henry, and if these guys just let these two handle it, I’d get bored but acknowledge the logic. And as I type ‘logic’, they tag in Jericho. But then we go to break, so hey.

We come back, and Kane takes Big Show out at the knee before tagging in Bray for the stomps. Tag to Harper, who locks on a headlock to the downed giant. As Show struggles to his feet, Harper levels him with a dropkick and tags in Rollins. Interesting that Big Show is the face in peril here. Kane in now, dropping feet and knees to Big Show. Bray in now, and when Big Show tries to fight back he simply DDTs the big man. Harper comes in with a Gator Roll, and the frequent tags are keeping it all fresh. Big Show finally powers up, back suplexing Harper to the mat for our first hope spot. Harper’s too close to the heels…or is he? Here comes Reigns, working out his psychological and emotional issues by destroying everyone, ESPECIALLY ROLLINS. Harper stops Reigns from acquiring himself a Seth-skin rug, hurling him into the barricade as we go to break.

We come back, and Rowan is fisting Reigns (oh, grow up). Reigns gets tossed out of thering where Seth can do his jackal act. He yells ‘I created you’, and I just imagined him as Doctor Frank-N-Furter and it is sexy as hell. Reigns eats a big kick to the temple on the inside from Rollins. Harper comes in, and Reigns blocks his suplex into one of his own, but Harper lies between him and any chances to tag out…and a big boot ends any outside opportunity. Kane comes in now, setting up for a superplex. Reigns fights back, saving Kane from having to try a superplex, and takes him out from the second rope. Everyone wants in, but it’s Jericho, taking it to Kane. Kane tosses him over the ropes; Jericho goes up top and hits a flying fist, then a bulldog, and then the Lionsault! Kane gets right back up, almost chokeslams Chris, who gets his step-up enzuigiri and goes for the Walls! Wyatt tries to get involved, distracting Jericho enough to get clotheslined by Kane. Harper tagged in as we go to break.

When we come back, Rollins is in full control of Jericho, beating him down right in front of the faces. There’s actually a moment when Jericho could have reached over and tagged out as Seth postured, and that would have been hysterical if he’d just done it. And does Seth Rollins remind anyone of Ryan Howard from The Office, or is that really just me? Even I don’t know why I think it. Seth gets elevated the hell over the top rope, but still manages to grab Chris and tag in Bray. Wyatt takes it to Jericho before slapping on a sleeper hold. Jericho struggles, but Bray works him back down, looking childishly happy whilst doing so.

Finally Chris does work his way out, but Wyatt cross-bodies him instantly to keep him back down. Bray spiderwalks as Chris lies prone, and that is when I don’t have a problem with it, i.e. when it’s not an invitation for someone to kick you really hard in the face. Dropkick to Wyatt and both men try to reach help; Rollins and Cena tag in! Cena’s on fire, beating Rollins every time he gets back up. AA attempted, but Kane comes up with an uppercut, only to get Superman Punched by Reigns, who gets superkicked by Harper, who’s taken out by Mark Henry, who gets Rowan-ed, who gets Big Show-ed. Bray comes in and cross-bodies Show! Jericho takes Wyatt down, but Seth springboards into hit him with the knee! Cena comes in and gets the STF on Seth, but the Wyatts break it up for the DQ.

That was really fun. As I’ve said, not dream-match, but considering this is SmackDown! I will take whatever I can get. 3.5 Stars.

Brawl continues with everyone hitting everyone. Codebreaker out of nowhere to Wyatt! Chokeslam and World’s Strongest Slam to the Wyatts! Spear to Kane and an AA to Seth Rollins! The faces go out standing tall.

This was just a great SmackDown! after a few weeks of just decent. Everything clicked really well and the match quality was above and beyond what I’d expect. I’m going to say screw everything: this week gets a ten.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Randy Orton. Step one: find their purse…

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Matches Announced for WWE Main Event, Smackdown Tapings Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:06:27 +0000 WWE Main Event will feature a Miz TV segment on Tuesday night live on the WWE Network. His guest is scheduled to be Dolph Ziggler, to continue their feud and probably set up an Intercontinental Title match for Night of Champions.

In addition, WWE is planning to have a match between Paige and Brie Bella as a featured match during the Smackdown tapings. The match is purported to be non-title.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Poll Results: What Do You Think About Smackdown Moving To Thursday? Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:03:21 +0000 Here is what our Inside Pulse Wrestling readers thought:

What Do You Think About Smackdown Moving To Thursday?

  • It’s great, Smackdown belongs on Thursday! (35%, 55 Votes)
  • Who cares, I don’t watch Smackdown (28%, 44 Votes)
  • It’s terrible, I like it on Friday (18%, 29 Votes)
  • I think it will do the same on either day (19%, 29 Votes)

Total Voters: 157×250.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 29th 2014: Where’s OUR Legends Panel? Fri, 29 Aug 2014 23:37:28 +0000 Hey there, folks. This SmackDown Report coming at you a bare evening before I have to doll myself up and attend a wedding. After being given a long list of things I am not allowed to do (play Rains of Castamere) or say (incest jokes: my family’s a little weird), I’ve got a lot of barely-suppressed rage, so I’m going to open up and let fly at the first provocation. More than likely I’ll forget to do so, in which case I want all of you to go on Twitter and call Michael Cole a Nazi.

Our recap, delivered to us by our übermensch superiors over on RAW, deals with the eulogy for Dean Ambrose, and apparently nobody’s told Seth that Ambrose isn’t dead. Or what a bad eugoogalizer he is. Also, where the hell was Roman during all of the other stuff that was happening to Ambrose? Or just after the Shield break-up? He seemed to take it into his head that Orton was the mastermind behind that whole thing, and Randy’s last mastermind plot involved a woman’s purse. And after last week, don’t you think that someone might see Kane trying to sneak a metric fucktonne of cinderblocks out there this Monday and called him out on it? Seems like Kane’s kind of a bitch right now anyway; I’d even buy Heath Slater telling him to fuck off.

Has Anyone Asked Bray If He’s Okay?

Oh, hello ‘Tom’. Surprised me there for a moment, as I’d completely forgotten you existed. Roman Reigns shows up, here to face Bray Wyatt, who apparently hadn’t been screwed-via-contact-with-Cena enough for Vince’s liking according to Monday night. At what point can we just say that the old man’s had it and he can retire? He can go tend his orange garden until he has a heart attack; Shane can come back, take over the business and slap Diane Keaton around; Triple H can be garrotted when it becomes apparent he’s been working for Dixie Carter this whole time and beating Stephanie. There are worse ways this could go than a Godfather homage.

The big men lock up, and Bray leads with some punches until Roman overpowers him in the corner, only for Wyatt to sneak the advantage…and get clotheslined to the mat. Bray does manage to throw Roman through the ropes, where he faces down Harper and Rowan. Wyatt catches Reigns on the apron, blasting him all the way to the entrance ramp. Clothesline to Roman on the outside, and Bray works on him back in the ring. I like to imagine Bray is picturing Cena in front of him, and Roman’s wondering why Bray is legitimately strangling him. He struggles, managing to slam Bray’s head off the mat. High clothesline to Wyatt, who manages to hit Roman with a boot, only to run into a back elbow. Samoan drop’s attempted; Bray slides out and hurls his entire body into Reigns, hitting the back senton on his next run.

Wyatt heads up to the second rope, hesitating once he realises he has no business being up there, and Roman catches him, getting the tubby gent on his shoulders. Samoan drop gets two, and Roman stays right on Bray, knocking him into the ropes. He runs around the outside; Harper tries to cut him off, but Roman has a foot that needs to be urgently delivered to Bray’s face; he ducks Harper, hits the kick, and then starts wailing on Harper out of the need to keep hitting someone. Rowan shows up for the DQ, and referee calls for the bell like he doesn’t enjoy Roman beating the shit out of three dudes.

This was fair. Pretty short, and I’m honestly still irritated by the decision to serve up Bray as a sacrificial lamb to John ‘serious for about a month’ Cena, but it was okay. 2 Stars.

The assault on Reigns continues, somehow summoning The Tag Team Too Fat To Wear The Belts so they can rub themselves over this. Wow, I am really annoyed with everything tonight. Reigns hits a Superman Punch to Rowan as I start hitting the wine. Henry and Show help to clear the ring, when one would think their combined mass would cause the Wyatts to orbit them.

Oh, What, Rob? Was There A Drugs Test Coming Up?

Here’s Rob Van Dam, and apparently this is his peace-out match. If so, I’m glad he got to go against Rollins: it’s the best chance he has of going out on a…high. And can we have a kickstarter to fund some decent ring music for Seth Rollins? He deserves better; it’s like Brock having to have the Network logo on his belt.

Seth immediately goes on offence, stomping Rob in the corner. Irish whip to another corner; Van Dam counters Rollins’ charge and hits a kick. Rob rolls over Seth’s back, takes some kicks and gets running-dropkicked into the ropes. Bodyslam to RVD for a two. Back from a quick break, Rollins hits that leaping forearm of his into Rob in the corner, then steals RVD’s taunt. If he was on SmackDown vs RAW, his heat-meter would fill right up. Michael says that Rollins has ‘some audacity’, which I wasn’t aware was a negative thing; ‘audacious’ is how they describe interesting people in Victorian novels. Right before they catch fire…

Sleeper by the now-more-flammable Seth Rollins, and RVD tries to create separation, kicking Rollins away to avoid being caught in the blaze. Rolling Thunder misses, as does the Curb Stomp, and Seth gets blasted with a kick. Frogsplash attempted; it misses; the Curb Stomp’s countered again, but Rollins hits his enzuigiri for two. Seth heads up, but Van Dam brings him up short with a kick. Superplex attempted; Rollins claws at Rob’s face, rolls over Van Dam and powerbombs him into the turnbuckle. Another turnbuckle powerbomb, followed up by the Curb Stomp for the win.

That was a pretty good match. Rollins was a good opponent for Van Dam, but it still wasn’t enough to convince me that Rob ought to stick around as a competitor. I loved Rob when I first encountered him in 2002, and still love those matches now, but I do hope this absence sticks. 2.5 Stars.

We replay the Bella Twins’ ‘Look How Fucking Bad We Are At Acting’ session, and the sad thing is that this won’t be enough to stop WWE trying to shoehorn them into a movie. Nikki’s ‘died in the womb’ line did make me crack up (which they cut out of SmackDown, maybe after realising that it wasn’t the kind of sentiment they should be voiced on a kids’ show). The only appeal for me is that I view this feud as the live-action adaptation of Adventure Time’s Lemongrab vs. Lemongrab storyline; I just hope that it ends in the exact same way. Also props to Nikki for showing women everywhere how to react to Jerry Lawler approaching them.

We replay the Sandow vs. Ziggler match, because even though RAW’s so starved of material it actually contains flashbacks of the previous hour, we apparently still need to see it. Actually, Sandow being Miz’s stunt double was a fairly decent gag, so there is that.

So Much For That Whole #Emmalution Thing, Huh

Emma’s in the ring, and apparently still employed. On the plus side, not a Santino in sight. And she’ll be facing one of the…what, three insane women WWE’s currently claiming to employ? And that’s just storyline-crazy, not ‘why would you slap the physical therapist’ crazy. I’ll never claim to be a social justice warrior, but the writer, comedian and human being in me is a little perturbed by a bi-weekly segment in which three men (or two men and ‘Tom’) sit around and discuss the mental inadequacies of the women around them.

Emma tries her dumb schtick, and Paige shoves her down: good on her. Emma almost gets Paige with a roll-up, but the champ takes control. Paige runs into a boot, but catches Emma, only for Emma to flip her feet into Paige’s face. She heads up top, but gets pulled down and placed into the PTO.

Decisive victory for our women’s champ, which is refreshing to see. I mean, it was against Emma, but you still worry. 2 Stars.

AJ is brought out, and she comes bearing chocolate. Please say this is building up to her hiring Brother Love to sing at Paige. Okay, AJ used the word ‘friend’, so we’re staying out of the ‘weaponised lesbianism’ thing. I expect to be proved wrong in that, but I just want to believe in WWE for a moment. Paige balks at the chocolates, probably because she believes Roman Reigns has been within poisoning distance. AJ growls at Paige ‘eat one’, and apparently the Divas Champion in wrestling is so afraid of conflict that she’ll eat a totally-suspect chocolate. It seems like there’s something wrong with the chocolate, and Paige spits it out. Damn it, Roman.

Self-fellating Network discussion. Get used to it, ‘Tom’. You learn these words.

Surely Swagger Is More Suicidal Than John Cena

Rusev’s in the ring, with Lana giving another public reading of her Putin fanfiction. Before she gets the bit where he nails a feral bear which growls ‘no’ as its eyes whisper ‘yes’, Swagger shows up to once again embarrass America. Michael says he respects Jack Swagger for losing a bunch of times but not in a certain way. This is a submission match, apparently, which actually does make sense and conforms to logic and how is that happening in WWE?

Swags goes for the leg, but Rusev backs him away with a kick to the ribs. Rusev, Swagger and Ambrose are clearly in a ‘sell injuries’ competition, and I’m really hoping this leads to the three of them evading the medical profession somehow, with Kane becoming Doctor Isaac Yankem to hunt them down. Jack goes for the ankle again, prompting retreat from Rusev.

Jack ‘We The People’s Rusev, who charges; Swagger ducks, and then slams Rusev right into the mat. Rusev tries to bail, but Swagger gets him in the Patriot Lock under the ropes. The ref starts to count, meaning it’s possible to lose a submission match by DQ. Okay, then. Rusev goes to the outside, and when Swagger goes after him the big Bulgarian hurls him Rusvinto the barricades.

Back from the break, Jack gets flapjacked by Rusev and slammed out of the ring. He’s against the steel ring post, and Rusev beats on his ribs. Rusev goes for a kick, but gets caught in a Patriot Lock on the outside; Rusev scrambles back in the ring, and Jack follows to clothesline him. Swagger wraps Rusev’s ankle in the ropes to kick it around, and then drops him with the big boot. Swagger Bomb to Rusev, who bulls right back, and goes for…the Patriot Lock? Swagger reverses instantly and Michael really hates Rusev, doesn’t he? Rusev gets to the ropes, and then breaks the hold when Jack drags him away. Swagger misses a charge, gets kicked in the face and then Rusev applies the Accolade. After a pretty heroic struggle, Jack manages to reach the ropes. Rusev drags Swagger back, stomping on his back before applying the Accolade. Another herculean effort gets Jack nearly to his feet, but Lana distracts the ref by throwing in the towel. Out of nowhere, Bo Dallas trips up Jack! Oh Bo, you adorable dick. Jack taps, and Bo Dallas is clearly a part of Isis.

Okay, I actually liked that. It all kind of made sense; Jack looked pretty gutsy and it just generally worked. Plus…fucking Bo, man. Don’t ask me not to love him. 3 Stars.

Bo grabs the mic, and if he starts speaking Russian I swear to God…but no, he just wants Swagger to Bolieve. Jack disagrees, seeming to want to rip Bo’s nuts off, but Dallas takes him down and Bo Dogs him.

Miz is backstage, being all Miz about stuff. Oh God, does he have another one of those ridiculous coats? Someone’s trying to tap his shoulder, and it’s Kane. He talks to the Miz’s agent who, if he’s the Miz’s agent, was probably gushing, ‘Oh my glob, you’re the guy from See No Evil! Do you have representation?’ Kane’s kind of a snarky bitch when he’s not trying to kill a man with cinderblocks. Oh, and Miz is in a match with Sheamus, in an attempt to ruin my whole life.

This Is Like If The Warriors Was Really Campy. This Is Like West Side Story.

Here are the Usos, with one of their four identical knees injured. Recap of Goldust and Stardust becoming Dickdusts. Stardust will be facing Jimmy Uso, but first Goldust grabs the mic and apologises, acting like a real human. He apologises fairly decently about it, and Michael compliments him for it, so FUCK GOLDUST.

Jimmy backs Stardust into the corner, with a clean break. Repeat, with Jimmy adding some blows. Chops to Stardust, who manages the Rhodes Uppercut. Shoulder thrusts to Jimmy in the corner, who manages to roll up Stardust for the three!

Wasn’t expecting such a quick match. Then again, wasn’t looking forward to a long one, so hey. 1.5 Stars.

Goldust jumps Jimmy, and these Dusts are dicking all up in this place. Michael instantly turns on Goldust, and I actually called this, like, two paragraphs ago.

Wine Just Is Not Going To Do It

Oh God, it’s the Miz. Even Sandow being there can’t deflect this horrifying mediocrity. And oh God, it’s Sheamus. This doesn’t help. Apparently Damien Sandow will be reprising his role as a way worse wrestler, entertainer and human being than himself. Whose coffee did that man piss into?

Miz tries to distract Sheamus, and does, and Sandow goes on the attack. Miz gets on commentary and whose coffee did I piss into? Back elbow drops Sheamus, and Sandow stomps him in the corner. Sheamus steamrolls Sandow, then bodyslams him. Clubbing blows to the chest, followed by White Noise for the win.

Quick, to the point, minimal Miz. Marks taken off for Sheamus and there still being some Miz. 1.5 Stars.

Miz jumps Sheamus post-match and flees. Ziggler appears to throw Miz back into the ring; Miz ducks so that Sandow can take the Brogue Kick, and Miz flees again. I guess I do want to see Miz get hit in the face, so fair enough, WWE, but I’ve never not wanted that.

Recap of the extended mauling of John Cena. I really want to see only one clip now, and that’s of Brock ringing Cena up and saying ‘so, John, I was at the clinic and I got some surprising news…look, it’s not a hundred percent certain, but you might want to get yourself checked considering…you know…SummerSlam,’ as both he and Heyman keep giggling. God, I want to see that.

Just Not The Wyatts’ Week

It’s main event time, and here are those two big lumbering guys and the actual exciting one. The Wyatts show up as well, and we have a stare-down across the ring. They’re trying to evoke the Wyatts vs. the Shield, but the thing is that Henry and Show are involved in this one.

Big Show goes for Rowan and the brawl starts. Wyatt gets tossed out and Roman stalks him around as Big Show does an honest to God sunset flip on Rowan. Shit, I don’t care what else happens: they get a whole star for that alone. Clothesline to Rowan, and Big Show works the arm, tagging in Roman. Still working the arm over, for some reason or other, and tag to Mark Henry, for some reason or other. Mark tags Big Show back in, and he slings Erick a headbutt and goes to slap the chest, but Rowan escapes and tags in Harper, who runs right into a hip toss. Big slap to Harper in the corner, and again.

Snapmare to Harper, then a dropkick to the face for two. Tag to Henry, who hits the JYD Tribute and pancakes the shit out of Harper in the corner; Rowan runs interference and Harper hits a dropkick before tagging in Bray Wyatt. We get a reminder not to try getting destroyed by Brock Lesnar at home, and when we come back, Rowan is trying to suplex Henry but gets suplexed in return. Tag to Big Show, who knocks Rowan all around the ring. He calls for the chokeslam, but has to take down Bray and Rowan clobbers him with a clothesline. Harper’s tagged in, and keeps Big Show grounded, hitting boots and putting on a facelock. Gator roll of Big Show, turning it into a headlock in the transition. Big Show manages to regain his feet, running right into a calf kick off the ropes.

Bray Wyatt gets tagged in, and he hits a DDT to Big Show for two. Rowan comes in, taking Show down with some punches and hitting the splash. Big Show is kept down as Harper wrenches his neck, and then drives Show into the corner as he gains his feet. Show manages to boot Rowan, but takes an elbow immediately in retaliation. Tag to Harper, who wrenches Show’s head back on the ropes. He holds Big Show in a sleeper, and Big Show grabs the ropes, but no count from the ref. Okay, then. Sidewalk slam destroys Harper, but Bray gets the tag and pulls Big Show away, hitting offence hard and fast until he gets flattened by a desperation clothesline and Reigns gets the tag.

Roman proceeds to annihilate Harper and Rowan in hellaciously short order, practically backhanding Bray in order to hit his apron dropkick. He winds up the Superman Punch; Bray distracts him and gets hit in the face again. Superman Punch connects to Harper; Rowan gets chokeslammed; Big Show gets hit by the flying mass of Bray Wyatt; Wyatt gets World’s Strongest Slammed; Henry gets booted; Reigns gets superkicked for two! That Clothesline attempted, and a spear for the win!

Okay, better than I thought it would be. I know I said I would add a star on, and I will, but that was good in its own right. So, with the sunset flip star, that’s…3.5 Stars. Yep, for a match with Show and Henry in. Collect torches and pitchforks at your leisure.

Up and down kind of SmackDown. Match quality was better than what I expected to see, and they managed to reduce Miz’s involvement more than I dared to dream. Seven for this week.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Brock Lesnar. Don’t feel afraid to include such diverse elements as blood, urine and vomit; they’ll come back for a second round, guaranteed.

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More Details On WWE Smackdown Move To Thursdays, Effect On Wrestling Industry Thu, 28 Aug 2014 19:56:59 +0000 More on the Smackdown return to Thursday.

WWE Smackdown is moving back to Thursdays starting October 2, 2014, finishing up a run on Fridays through the end of September.

While the move has not been officially announced, it was listed on the Syfy schedule, and Syfy had already announced the TV show “Haven” was moving from Friday to Thursday night at 10 p.m. Haven features Adam “Edge” Copeland in a recurring role, so Syfy has often linked Haven and Smackdown in their schedule.

Smackdown originated on Thursdays. When the show debuted on the now-defunct UPN network, it aired on Thursdays, only later moving to Friday in the face of stiff prime time competition. It had a pilot run on April 29, 1999, and was added fulltime to the primetime lineup that fall, starting August 26, 1999.

The move from Friday to Thursday had reverberations throughout the industry. Impact, which has been troubled as of late on Spike TV, fled Thursdays in anticipation, hastily shifting to Wednesday night to avoid competition.

In addition, WWE NXT and Superstars, which air on WWE Network each week beginning on Thursdays, will also likely move, perhaps to Wednesdays or Fridays on the WWE Network.

The Inside Pulse Wrestling Poll of the Week is about the Smackdown move, vote below!
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE Ratings News: Monday Night Raw Down, Friday Night Smackdown Down Tue, 26 Aug 2014 21:28:59 +0000 WWE Monday Night Raw viewership numbers are in, and the show did fewer viewers than the week before. Despite there being no Monday Night NFL pre-season game this week (as there was last week on ESPN), the Emmy Awards on NBC were huge competition.

Raw drew 3.97 million viewers averaged over the course of three hours, but The Emmys did 15.6 million viewers. Raw was second to VH-1’s Love and Hip Hop on cable for the night.

8 p.m. 3.86 million

9 p.m. 4.06 million

10 p.m. 4.01 million

This will will likely be a rating in the 2.8 range.

Friday Night Smackdown ended up with a 1.79 rating, slightly down from the previous week’s 1.88 rating. The show averaged 2.461 million viewers across the two hours, also down from the previous week’s viewership of 2.564 viewers.×250.jpg×250.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE Notes: WWE Raw Segment Next Week, Smackdown Main Event Announced Tue, 26 Aug 2014 16:13:38 +0000 This week’s Friday Night Smackdown will feature a tag match pitting Big Show & Mark Henry against the Wyatts – Luke Harper & Erick Rowan. Also on that taping will be RVD vs Seth Rollins, in what will be RVD’s final appearance with WWE for a while.

Next week’s Monday Night Raw will feature a Highlight Reel segment where Chris Jericho will interview Randy Orton, who has not appeared on WWE TV WWE Monday Night Raw since his lost to Roman Reigns at Summerslam.

WWE heavily promoted new items for the WWE Network on Raw. They promoted 100 hours of WCW Monday Nitro added to the Network, as well as new episodes of Monday Night War.

Interestingly, WWE showed a promo for “Jeff Hardy: My Life, My Rules” to premiere at 8pm Wednesday on the network. It is not new content, as it is the documentary portion of the 2009 Hardy DVD release. However, it is a bit notable because the Hardys are in TNA, although Jeff is a prime candidate to return to WWE should TNA not make it in 2015.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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New Poll: What Do You Think About Smackdown Moving To Thursday? Mon, 25 Aug 2014 10:34:12 +0000 With the news that Smackdown is moving to Thursdays in October, what do you think it means for WWE’s #2 show?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.×250.jpg

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WWE SmackDown Moving to Thursday Nights Beginning October 2nd Sun, 24 Aug 2014 19:19:56 +0000 Syfy has released it’s upcoming fall schedule for 2014 and although WWE has not yet confirmed this, SmackDown will be moving to Thursday nights beginning October 2nd.

SmackDown will still be pretaped on Tuesday nights and will not air live.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 22nd 2014: (Insert Lemongrab Scream, For No Real Reason) Sat, 23 Aug 2014 17:30:03 +0000 Hey there, lads and lasses. Your beleaguered SmackDown reviewer is here, exhausted after a frickin’ hilarious afternoon/evening/night (it really depended on the time zone) with Jonah Kue and BD, recording the latest in that excellent audio series: Trashy Ring Attire. Pray download it once available, and listen to us muse eloquently about SummerSlam and whether or not Stephanie McMahon is sexy.

With that being said, it’s a new dawn and we have a feral, drooling manbeast as our champion (with the skinniest, whitest, girliest calves I have ever seen). Oh, and by the way, allow me to feel savagely pleased at the fact that now RAW will rarely see its world champion either. You hear that, Czerwonka and Harrak? We’re all in the same boat now!

So, yeah, let’s get to the show.

We start off with the Viper, and even though he lost at SummerSlam, at least he didn’t end up looking like a character from a Lars Von Trier movie (do not watch Lars Von Trier movies). We see Michael Cole sitting by himself and I’m about to commit seppuku when he reveals that JBL is still there and so is some chap called ‘Tom Philips’. Well, unless he’s a cleverly disguised Jerry Lawler, he’s got to be better at commentary than Jerry Lawler, but I still demand to know why Renee Young’s probably-shapely hindquarters aren’t gracing that seat. Still, let’s see what ‘Tom’ can do and, more importantly, what nickname I can come up with for him.

Three seconds in, ‘Tom’ is a better commentator than Mike Adamle and Jerry Lawler combined. Orton says that one match does not define him, although it does define every other match he’s had. Orton says he’s never been called a loser, so clearly he’s never been on…the internet. He shows us his assault on Reigns from last month, and says that’s what happens when he’s focused, which makes you wonder why Randy is so unfocused 99% of the time. Orton has a match with Rob Van Dam; talk about unfocused. He says he will simply take our respect from us, which sounds like a vague rape threat.

I Learned That Rollins Is Latin American Last Night, Which Means That This Makes Sense

Rollins’ music plays, and he comes out with his bullshit bullion briefcase and his Batman-themed BDSM suit. He shakes hands with a retreating Orton, because he probably didn’t want to get respect-mugged. ‘Tom’ sure seems to be on top of things so far. Michael says that John Cena has demanded a rematch with Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions, which is like a crippled Bruce Wayne wheeling himself up to Bane and saying ‘bet you can’t do that again, fucker’. Having said that, I look forward to the spectacle of Brock ripping off Cena’s head and quoting Hamlet. Or any Shakespeare, actually.

Rollins will be facing Jack Swagger and, honestly, fuck Jack Swagger. Fuck his xenophobia, fuck his escort of soldiers who couldn’t do a rifle drill if their nation depended upon them and fuck anyone who expects me to view him as a face. We get a look back at Rollins injuring Ambrose, and God I hope we’re in for some historical recreation tonight. Apparently Ambrose escaped medical personnel and is currently ‘at large’, which is the greatest reason for an absence since people were getting dragged into parking lots by the Wyatts.

Here’s Swagger, and JBL despises him almost as much as I do. Bell rings and Seth gets taken over twice by Simple Jack. Seems like Rollins asked for the match and told Swagger ‘you failed your country’. Good for you, Seth. Rollins gets backed into the corner, but hits a shot to the ribs, hitting a front dropkick. Knees get dropped to the ribs, and Seth wraps his legs around Swagger’s midsection. Jack backs Seth into the turnbuckles to break the hold, but Rollins takes him right back down, hitting a forearm, but gets caught coming off the second rope and belly-to-belly slammed. Swagger tries to lunge at Seth, but gets caught on the apron with a kick as we got to break.

We come back to the action as Seth has his legs once again wrapped around Jack’s midsection, but Swagger gains a reprieve via a German Suplex to Rollins. Seth misses a stinger splash, getting tossed and knocked around the ring by Jack. Swagger Bomb connects, causing Jack grief to the ribs. ‘Tom’’s whole role appears to be actually calling the action: God, that’s new. Seth hits a kick to the ribs, gets tossed onto the apron and hits a kick to the head. Seth comes off the top rope, but lands right into the Patriot Lock. He rolls out, misses the Curb Stomp and Jack drives both men out to the floor. Seth comes back into the ring, tries a baseball slide but gets caught in the Patriot Lock on the outside. Swagger tries to clothesline Rollins, but runs into the steel post and get caught on the outside. Ref’s counting, and Jack hustles back into the ring…and immediately gets Curb Stomped. He falls to the outside and gets counted out.

Well, I can totally get behind Swagger getting hurt. And the match itself was okay too. 2.5 Stars.

Hah, here comes Bo Dallas, playing the part of salt in Swagger’s wounds. Oh, and careful, ‘Tom’; you stay out of the morality conversation, now. Bo calls Jack Swagger ‘an American zero’, and damn it, he’s right. He calls himself America’s new sweetheart, and tells us to Bolieve. I love the fact that ‘Bolieve’ is now a word in my Microsoft Word Dictionary.

We look back at the Bellas apparently having their first fight ever and Nikki’s just godawful acting. She’s so wooden, the only role she could play is a mahogany desk I’ll tell ya what! Can’t blame Nikki for being in a bad place, really; her boyfriend did get completely emasculated on Sunday.

Here’s Miz backstage with Kane, and they just force the skinny pumpkin spice latte jokes, don’t they? This is weird, because Kane has more right to be called a movie star than the guy who’s doing the movie star gimmick, mainly because his movie wasn’t called See No Evil 4. Miz is in a match with Reigns, and is Kane’s alignment ‘be a dick to the closest person to me’ at the minute? Not that I mind; I’d just like to know.

Still Less Of A Squash Than Lesnar vs. Cena.

Here’s Lana and Rusev, and Rusev is facing Sin Cara. Rusev beats the unholy fuck out of Sin Cara, so they can bring out the latest black guy that Rusev’s feuding with. I actually wrote that sentence out during Rusev’s entrance, and that exact thing ended up happening. Sin Cara did have some good-looking movement in the ring.

2 Stars (I’m a sucker for a squash).

Post-match, Henry did come out and Rusev ran off. Henry yells ‘I don’t speak Russian!’, like a lack of linguistic knowledge is a point of pride.

Renee Young, looking incredible this week, is backstage with Rob Van Dam. She asks how he feels about Orton; Rob says Randy needs to chill out. Oh boy, Rob’s going to try and deal to Orton in the ring, isn’t he? Orton attacks Van Dam out of nowhere, prompting Renee to shoot a ‘fuck’s sake’ look at the camera. Randy tells her to tell Rob he’ll be waiting for him in the ring.

Renee Should Have Come Out To Fight For Rob

Orton’s in the ring, awaiting Rob Van Dam, who sprints out at him. Wow, he actually is almost displaying emotion. Orton is chased out, but comes back in the ring, taking Van Dam down in the corner and stomping him. Van Dam dodges a charge and rocks Orton with a collection of kicks. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Rob fired up, seriously. He somersaults over the top rope, taking Orton down on the outside, and then drops him on the barricade and tries to hit his spin kick, but Randy dodges. One guy in the crowd yells ‘what did you think was going to happen?!’ Fair play, man. Orton flings Rob into the barricades and slams him off the announce tables and throws him into the steps. Bell rings for a DQ as Orton back suplexes Van Dam onto the table.

Meh, 2 Stars for the violence and for Van Dam not acting stoically stoned in terms of emotion.

Vintage DDT onto the outside, and Orton is handily beating the shit out of RVD here. Back in the ring, Randy grabs a chair and RKOs Rob onto it. Orton then tells the announce team to tell Roman he’ll see him out here later. Why does Randy assume that everyone can be bothered to deliver his messages?

Renee Young’s backstage, and here’s Roman Reigns. She asks him about Orton’s threat, and Roman acts pissed about what the Authority did to Ambrose, despite the fact he did jack and shit to stop them. Sounds like some motherfuckers are going to get their drinks poisoned.

You Know, Paige, They’ll Probably Make AJ Give You The Belt Back Anyway

Natalya’s in the ring, and God, the German announce team are terrifyingly enthusiastic. Must be Nattie’s blonde hair setting them off. But here comes Paige, fresh from her softcore lesbian advert for the WWE Network this Sunday. I can’t get over the fact that it looks like Paige is wrestling in her underwear, and I worry that someone’s going to walk in when I’m reviewing these matches.

Paige immediately socks Natalya in the face, stomping her in corner to follow it up. Nat slaps her in the face and hits some punches in return. Double-underhook suplex to Paige, followed up by a baseball slide. Paige is thrown into the ring, but ducks back out and kicks Nat in the chin when she follows. Natalya gets pulled into the steel ring post shoulder-first. Headbutts to Nat, and she hits a clubbing blow to the spine before hitting knees to Natalya on the apron. Paige vines her legs around Nat’s midsection, but then AJ’s music hits. Nat breaks the hold, but nearly gets pinned off a press from Paige. AJ runs off with the belt as Paige drops Nattie with a hard knee to the face. Paige pursues AJ, who gives the belt back, and Paige sprints back into the ring to break the count, immediately getting caught in a sharpshooter by Natalya, and she taps as AJ watches.

Okay, you all probably know by now I hate when wrestlers see someone walking off with their belt and don’t think ‘well, I figure management won’t let them leave the arena with it. And hey, I’m still the champion, right?’ But this was actually more entertaining than usual; maybe because AJ gave it right back. Plus, this seems to tease at Natalya making this a triple-threat, and that sounds pretty good to me. 2.5 Stars.

Cody Creeps Me Out More Than The Wyatts

The Dust Brothers show up, followed by the Wyatts. It seems like the Dusts might be getting a title shot, considering their win on Monday over the Usos, and that the Wyatts are somewhat preoccupied by Big Show and Mark Henry. Stardust is starting off against Harper, and away we go. Punches to Harper, then Stardust rolls out of a back suplex but gets worked over in the corner. He jumps over Harper in the corner and hits a shot to the side of the head, taking control. Harper takes it back with an elbow, tagging in Rowan. Rowan catches Stardust, but Goldust had the blind tag and takes it to Erick with some fists, but Rowan just straight overpowers him and beats him down.

JBL and Michael bully ‘Tom’, which from what I hear from shoot interviews means that JBL kind of likes him. I assume Michael’s just found some reason that ‘Tom’ is morally comparable to a Nazi paedophile. Rowan is still in control, until a Rhodes Uppercut takes him out, but even then Rowan just straight up Cor Vons (obscure reference) him into a commercial.

Back from the break, Harper’s in control of Goldust, tagging in Rowan, who hits a bodyslam and big leg drop. Goldust is kept down as Rowan works him over. Tag to Harper, who slams fists into Goldust in the corner. Gator Roll inflicts yet more punishment, but Goldust hits a boot, then the hurricanrana…and gets hit with a superkick and a Batista Bomb. Stardust breaks up the pin, and then low-bridges Rowan. Harper knocks Stardust off the apron; Goldust rolls Harper up and that’s three.

Decent match. I’m not sure how well the Dusts and the Usos will play off each other, although a Brothers vs. Brothers match is reason enough for it to happen. 2.5 Stars.

The Wyatts get pissy after the match, destroying the Dusts for daring to hand them another loss. Harper throws Cole’s chair at Stardust, because fuck your need to sit down, Michael. Clothesline and a splash does for Goldust. ‘Tom’ snarkily offers Michael his chair afterwards, which I appreciate. I’m surprised the German announce team didn’t claim the chair as lebensraum.

Breaking news from Triple H, that news being ‘we don’t have anyone we can seriously put in a match with Brock Lesnar other than John Cena’. We’re all aware that Triple H just condoned Cena’s televised euthanasia, right? We recap Lesnar’s belt presentation ceremony, and I have to feel bad for the guy; he destroys Cena handily and they give him a belt with the Network logo on it? He should have ripped Hunter’s face off and stitched it over that symbol. Cena will apparently be on RAW next week to address matters, and I hope beyond hope that he cries at some point during that.

Guess Which Wrestler Recently Held The Intercontinental Title

Main event time, and here comes Roman Reigns. With about six minutes left on the clock, I have an idea where this is going. I have no idea what that thing Miz is wearing is, but I’m sure it is not a real article of clothing. We see a replay of Roman punching Miz’s cheekbone into fragments and dust, which I think was the production team’s way of going ‘remember this, Miz? You big bitch.’ Orton immediately comes out, aware that Miz is not going to be a threat to Roman on his own.

Miz tries to jump Reigns, who beats him down until Miz runs off, but Roman cuts him off on the outside and clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Miz actually gets in some shots, but then immediately gets Samoan dropped. Orton tries to slither into the ring, but Reigns backs him down. Miz hits a big boot, throwing some hands to a prone Roman. He goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, but eats a spear and gets pinned.

Not that much of anything there. 2 Stars.

Roman wants himself some of Orton, and Randy seems set to accommodate him, actually getting in the ring. Wait, are we sure that’s Orton? When did he grow a spine? The guys tee off, throwing hands before Reigns gets clotheslined outside the ring. Roman manages to smash him off the steps; Reigns gets hurled into the barricade but comes back to uppercut Orton. Randy grabs a chair and hammers Roman with it, throwing him back in the ring. RKO on the chair is attempted, but Reigns counters and gives Orton a taste of his own chair-medicine. Superman Punch effectively brings the argument to a close, with Roman Reigns standing tall.

Kind of a weird SmackDown: felt like a strange comedown from SummerSlam. Enjoyable, but just a little off in places. Maybe I’m not drunk enough; it’s conceivable. Seven.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The ‘Bo Dallas’. After dissatisfactory intercourse with your partner, perform a victory lap around the bed.

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WWE Announcer Tom Phillips Added to Friday Night SmackDown Broadcast Team Sat, 23 Aug 2014 15:04:50 +0000 WWE announcer Tom Phillips has been added to the Friday Night SmackDown broadcast team. Phillips debuted last night and did the play-by-play alongside Michael Cole and JBL. Phillips and Renee Young also work the WWE Superstars broadcasts together, as well as NXT. He also does backstage interviews on Raw as well.

CB’s Slant: Tom Phillips was a welcome addition to the SmackDown broadcast and I thought he did a good job fitting in with JBL and Cole while contributing positively to the matches he called.

I can see he and Renee Young working SmackDown together one day, or having Renee added to the Raw broadcast team if a spot ever opens up.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Non-Spoiler Match Listing For WWE Friday Night Smackdown 08.22.2014 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 07:48:36 +0000 Here are the matches that were taped for Smackdown tonight. If you’d like to know who won the matches, check out the spoilers but if not, enjoy these matches!

Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara vs. Rusev w/Lana

Rob Van Dam vs. Randy Orton

WWE Diva’s Non-Title Match
Paige (c) vs. Natalya

Goldust and Stardust vs. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan

The Miz vs. Roman Reigns×250.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE Friday Night Smackdown Match Results 08.22.2014 (Spoilers) Fri, 22 Aug 2014 07:28:28 +0000 Notes from tonight’s show for Friday night:

Seth Rollins b Jack Swagger via count out. Rollins used the curb stomp off the apron. The medical staff came out to check on Swagger while Bo Dallas came out and was running down Swagger.

Rusev b Sin Cara in a quick squash. Mark Henry ran in after but Lana pulled Rusev away from the ring.

Rob Van Dam did an interview and was attacked by Randy Orton. Orton kept beating on Van Dam including an RKO on a chair. So they really never had their advertised main event.

Natalya b Paige again in a non-title match. A.J. Lee came out and grabbed the belt and took off with it. Paige ran out of the ring and got the belt back but Natalya put her in the sharpshooter for the submission.

Goldust & Stardust b Luke Harper & Erick Rowan when Goldust pinned Harper with a roll-up.

Roman Reigns b The Miz with the spear in a one minute main event. After the match, Reigns and Orton went at it for several minutes until the show ends. Reigns ended up hitting the Superman punch.×250.jpg

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