Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 14:00:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 15th 2015: Oh, Yeah, It’s Thursdays Now… Fri, 16 Jan 2015 15:59:06 +0000 Well, hello there. It’s the day they moved SmackDown to Thursday and, reliably enough, your humble scribe is reviewing it on Friday. Change is bad, mkay? Actually, this change is good, because I always have Fridays off work, so the reviewing process is now going to be far more relaxed and I can use my Friday nights for mainlining heroin. I actually just found out the correct definition of the word ‘mainlining’ yesterday, due to a Stephen King novel I’m engrossed in. He also taught me the word ‘whoremaster’, which I swear to God I am going to use in this article at least one time.

Anyway, let’s get to smacking stuff down.

First thoughts: I like the new theme music for the show. I’ll probably hate it in a month or two, but it does sound more epic and grandiose than the previous one (no, I don’t know the fucking name of the song). Not-Renee is in the ring and, honestly, if he’s going to be a part of the commentary team, let’s just call him what he is: Byron Saxton. He introduces Daniel Bryan, who makes his way down to the ring. Byron notes that Bryan’s in a good mood, and Bryan says it’s because he’s here to fight. Saxton replays the injuring of Daniel Bryan, and I still can’t believe that we were supposed to accept that Kane was capable of putting anyone on the shelf. If Lesnar had come out and destroyed Bryan, this corner of the internet would have fucking exploded.

Bryan says that nobody knows how dangerous Kane is but him, and I think we all know that he’s a massive pussy, Daniel. Kane apparently traded his mask for a suit, which honestly sounds like some savvy bargaining. No matter what the doctors said, Bryan is here to compete, even if he is nervous, and he’s going to fight Kane and win. He’s winning the Rumble and is going on to WrestleMania. Big ‘Yes’ chant for that, even without anyone prompting it, and then the Authority show up. Oh, so now it’s the first show on Thursday night, I guess we’re worthy of some main characters showing up. And even then, Steph couldn’t be bothered to make it. Kane makes his way down to the ring, accompanied by the Authority, and the Nasally Announcer gets in a bit of snark by referring to each Authority member separately, and then gets in a massive burn by not naming Joey and Jamie. Intentional or not, that was just magnificent.

Drink Every Time You Think Bryan Just Got Paralysed

We come back from the break right into the match as Kane eats a dropkick. Furious strikes to the Big Red Machine, before Kane manages to shut Bryan down for a bit of breathing room, but then Bryan drop-toeholds him into the turnbuckle. Big kick to the face of Kane, and then the former World Champion zeroes in on the leg, hitting it with a running dropkick. The ref gets Bryan to back off, in case Kane starts crying, but that leaves Bryan open to a big uppercut, leaving him laying. He gets thrown into the corner and stomped down. Neckbreaker, which seems like a dick move, Kane, and then a second one. Man, imagine if Bryan got badly injured again? Like, in this match? Also, stop showing Rollins ringside at a Bryan match: don’t tease me like that.

Bryan tries to rally, but runs right into a big boot. Reminder: this guy beat Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista in a single night, and is now having trouble against the guy who’s just above Mercury and Noble level in the Authority. Bryan works his way out of a hold that looks like Kane is slowly trying to snap his neck, and then low-bridges Kane. Dropkick through the ropes to Kane, and Bryan launches himself off the apron, only to get struck in the throat with a big right hand from Kane.

Kane has Bryan in a sleeper when we come back, and then hits his running DDT which, swear to God, is the spazziest-looking thing I’ve ever seen. Big clothesline in the corner, then a side slam and Kane sets up for a superplex. Bryan blocks this, which I assume he’ll do with all moves which might snap his neck, sends Kane to the floor and hits a crossbody. He backflips over Kane from the corner and hits a clothesline. Yes-Kicks to the chest, finishing Kane off with a running kick. He charges at Kane in the corner, gets caught by Kane for a chokeslam, manages to counter it and tries to lock in the Yes-Lock! He manages to get it locked in, and the Mercury and Noble break it up. Are you fucking serious?

Not what I was hoping for, although the blame is on the structure of the match rather than the wrestlers. Way too much Kane offence, considering we were so excited to see Bryan back, and a DQ ending? After nine months of no Bryan matches? The Authority’s like the heel version of Cena: it’s rubbing itself over everything that’s relevant. 2 Stars.

Bryan dropkicks both Mercury and Noble, then knocks Big Show off the apron, then ducks a briefcase shot from Rollins and skedaddles. No! You get back in there and you start an angle with Rollins immediately! The Authority pursue, but slowly in case Bryan kicks one of their fucking faces off, and then Ambrose and Reigns show up beside him, and that was actually pretty badass.

Triple H gets on the microphone, because it’s not an opening segment if that guy doesn’t get to talk for twenty minutes. He makes a six-man tag match, which means Rollins and Bryan will fight each other. Is Triple H a face now, daddy?

Also, I’ve just realised that Jerry Lawler’s commentary hasn’t made me start cutting myself yet. Unexpected. And Randy Savage is going into the Hall of Fame, with Michael even using the word ‘finally’. I still don’t think that the Hall of Fame is going to beat the honour of that Skyrim mod which turns all of the dragons into Randy Savage. I’m not even kidding.

Wow, Savage really does not look in the slightest way sane. Seriously, guys, what were you all doing in the eighties?

Bray Wyatt pops up onscreen and…does he have smoke actually coming off him? Holy shit, is he channelling Blackbeard? Didn’t even hear the words: staring at the smoke. Upon rewatch, it’s him talking about how he’s going to win the Rumble. Ah, this PPV is going to kick so much ass.

Jerry Lawler Cuts Loose

The Usos are here, along with Naomi, for a mixed tag match. You know, I have a problem with this match: the girl can have her opposite number beat down, but doesn’t dare make a tag for any form of actual tag team wrestling because then her opponent gets an automatic out. Plus, if the guys are tag team specialists, like the Usos are, it actually makes sense for them not to tag in the Diva, because goodbye double-team moves.

Michael Cole claims that Byron is a Miz fanboy, which is the kind of shit-slinging we don’t look for in professional wrestling, Michael. Miz gets shot off the ropes, and it’s JERRY LAWLER’S FIRST SHITTY JOKE OF THE EVENING!! FETCH THE RAZOR BLADES AND VODKA!! Yeah, sorry, had to get that off my chest. Chops to Miz in the corner, then Jey comes in off the tag. They’re about to drop a double elbow on Miz, when Mizdow runs in to provide stunt double action. I love how the Usos sort of regard Mizdow as this alright, if slightly odd, guy who just happens to hang around with Miz. Miz gets clotheslined out of the ring, and Jey dives through the ropes onto him. Second shitty Lawler joke, followed by a third: fucking shoot me.

Miz tags in Mizdow, but then Alicia Fox tags herself in, and gets the shit kicked out of her by Naomi. Hurricanrana to Fox; she sends Naomi out onto the apron, but Naomi kicks her in the head and hits a crossbody for a two-count. Naomi tags out, meaning that Miz and Jey come in; Miz takes the Uso down with a big boot. Miz stomps Jey down in the corner, and then fakes tagging in Mizdow before both Jey and Miz knock each other down with clotheslines. Jimmy comes in off the tag, hitting Miz all over the place. Samoan Drop, then a corkscrew moonsault to the Miz. Alicia manages to break up the pin, so Jimmy Uso throws his girlfriend at her. That is literally what he did.

Miz and Jimmy exchange roll-ups, and Miz’s kick-out sends Jimmy into a clothesline from Sandow, which he ducks. Miz throws Sandow into Jimmy’s superkick and hits the Skull-Crushing Finale for the win!

Was that actually correct use of a stunt-double? They’re putting way too much thought into the existence of Sandow and, at the same time, nowhere near enough. Apparently Miz2 is getting a title match at the Rumble; I’ll enjoy it for Mizdow, but I’m looking forward to getting to some other teams now. 2.5 Stars.

Okay, Renee’s new haircut is going to take some getting used to. Because her old hair was perfect and beautiful and why did she do this?! Anyway, she introduces Roman Reigns, and those two still have their sexual tension/loving relationship going on. Oh, and it’s that time of year when every interviewer asks the question ‘you’re in the Royal Rumble, and so’s this guy, so tonight what’s stopping you from ripping off his face and wearing it as a mask AS YOU BURN THE REST OF HIM ON A FIRE MADE OUT OF HIS CHILDHOOD HOME?!’ Reigns makes the traditional response that the Royal Rumble is not tonight, and so he’s going to contain his deepest, darkest, innermost designs like he’s a rational human being. He also states that his motivation is ‘screw over the Authority’, and I love the fact that, compared to everyone else, he’s doing this without much provocation. He winks at Renee before he leaves, so I guess she can make that hairstyle work. Oh, and Vince? That’s what a normal person talking sounds like. Maybe you should stay the fuck away from dialogue.

Paul Heyman shows up, doing an ANGRY STRIDE as we replay Seth Rollins standing tall over both Cena and Lesnar, which was just kind of awesome and glorious. I wish they’d been able to make more of the three factions going on: it’s nice to get two heels with genuinely different motivations in this sort of match.

Paul Heyman does his Game of Thrones-esque list of titles, and admits to being a little afraid. Lesnar is a beast, and does what he does purely for giggles. Literally: Brock Lesnar’s motivation is apparently ‘I had nothing else planned’. I am weirdly okay with that. But now, Lesnar is goddamn furious, and he’s going to destroy Rollins, who then shows up. Seriously: I wish they could stop making this guy run away from stuff, because he does ‘badass’ better than any other heel working right now. Seth is pissed off as well, and he’s tired of everyone feeling like they should be afraid of Lesnar. He’s not afraid of Lesnar, and Paul’s staring at him like Rollins might actually be insane after that statement. Rollins says that he’s cashing in tonight: he wants Lesnar for the title tonight. didyoujust.jpg. Genuine pop for Rollins, but Paul pisses all over what could have been the greatest SmackDown evah, because Lesnar isn’t here. Rollins decides that, in the absence of the Next Big Thing, Heyman is the Next Best Thing, so he’s going to kick his ass instead.

Paul, to his credit, calls Rollins out on being stereotypical, which is both smart and ballsy of the guy. And then laughs at Rollins for thinking that beating up Heyman makes him a tough guy. Rollins corrects him: not ‘tough’, but ‘smart’. Because if he feels like doing something, he’s going to do it. He also calls Heyman Lesnar’s greatest asset, and I feel like Lesnar’s greatest asset is his freakish strength, followed by his unbelievable speed, followed by the fact he can shrug off an Attitude Adjustment like it was nothing, then Paul Heyman. And then Sable, because when has she ever been in his corner for a match? Rollins says that, without Heyman, Brock is all brawn and no brains. Yeah, because Heyman communicates with Lesnar via psychic link during those matches: ‘Hey Brock?’ ‘What’s up, Paul?’ ‘Terrific job so far, truly, and I think it might be an idea to go for another German suplex.’ ‘Really, Paul? I mean…we’ve done fifteen of them so far. I feel like you’re confusing me with Taz again. I wanna do an F-5.’

Okay, I just finished laughing at that image, and Rollins is climbing Paul. Are we giving Rollins a ‘no sense of personal space’ gimmick, because he could definitely make that work. Also, he is genuinely threatening, asking Paul why he shouldn’t Curbstomp him. Heyman points out that the Authority probably won’t be around for very long, whereas Heyman has been getting more and more powerful: this isn’t even his final form! With Lesnar holding the championship, Paul has the greatest bargaining chip ever. Seth looks a little stunned, and Paul just walks the fuck out of there. And I never thought I’d say this about Heyman but, honestly? Like a boss. That whole segment was fan-frigging-tastic.

Paige Is A Better Husband Than Tyson Kidd

Wow, I’d really been prepared for some suck as I heard the Bellas’ music, but Nikki’s facing Natalya with Paige in her corner, who are like the Cesaro and Kidd of the Divas division. Can Paige start dating Cesaro? Can we please have them doing wrestling double dates? Eight-man mixed tag matches, which actually make way more sense than the other variants? I missed part of RAW, but Tyson Kidd cost Paige a victory due to the fact he’s in love with Cena’s girlfriend, which I really hope they make an angle of someday. Paige also slaps Tyson Kidd, which I like to think was less about the match and more about what a terrible, awful, godawful husband he is. The fact that Tyson no-sold the shit out of that slap means that he’s been slapped a lot, and I am happy about that. Byron Saxton tries to defend Tyson Kidd, and no, Byron. No.

They lock up, with Natalya wrenching the arm before Nikki throws her off. Roll-up into a leg-hold by Natalya, but Nikki kicks her off, and hits a tornado armbar from the second rope. Nikki wrenches the arm behind Natalya’s back, and then takes her over with it. She grapevine’s Neidhart’s arm, but Natalya lifts Nikki right the hell off the ground with her arm, and slams her back down.

Natalya’s arm seems to be hurting her pretty badly, but she dodges a charge by Nikki and snapmares her over, running over her back and hitting a running dropkick to the face. She follows that up with a big clothesline, and then goes about setting up the Sharpshooter! Brie gets on the apron, trying to distract Natalya by just holding the belt and screaming: that worked a lot better when AJ and Paige both thought that they were in a relationship with it. The ref and Natalya are distracted, and Paige takes advantage to actually slap Nikki across the chops, and then the Sharpshooter finishes her! Why didn’t Brie try to distract her again?

Well, an interesting storyline for the Divas. And, so far, none of the participants appear to be insane. Apart from Natalya, who’s married to Tyson Kidd. Seems like Paige is going to be like the WWE’s version of Jordan from Scrubs: mean and petty, but entertaining. 2.5 Stars.

Backstage, Renee introduces Big Show, who immediately interrupts her, calls her ‘young lady’ and tells her that she’s not going to ‘take control of this interview’. Misogynist shitlord. Big Show says he knocked out Reigns and Cena on RAW; he’ll knock out everyone tonight and then he’s going to win the Rumble. He asks who can throw him over the top rope, and does he even remember any of the Rumbles he’s been in? Kane shows up and says that he’s in the Rumble as well; Big Show really should have just asked how that changes anything.

Bad News Barrett Was The Intercontinental Title The Whole Time

We come back from commercials at the same moment that Sin Cara throws himself into the ring, which is a great visual. And yep, Firre Workcz let me know that I missed the Barrett/Cara match from last week: I don’t know why, but it wasn’t on the recording that I saw. Still, I apologise for that slipping through the cracks: I’m sure that there were a couple of jokes in that match, other than the two guys competing.

Actually, I like Barrett. Or do I? God, I can’t even remember.

And it was actually a clean win, without even a near-kick-out. Wow. And it seems like they’ve missed off the minor key rendition of ‘God Save Our Queen’ from Barrett’s entrance music in favour of some ominous bass guitar: a good call, now I hear it. Plus, Wade doesn’t make all that much of his nationality, so it’s not like it’s a big loss.

BIG MATCH FEEL announcements, and we’re encouraged to hashtag-tweet ‘IC Title’, which makes it sound like the WWE is remaking The Sixth Sense. Holy shit, I would watch that: Brock Lesnar as Haley Joel Osment, Adam Rose as Bruce Willis, Big Show as that crying naked dude in the bathroom. That would be the greatest movie ever.

Sin Cara immediately busts out some pinning combinations, which is a smart opening. Barrett tries to take control with a punch to the midsection, but Cara kicks him in the head and ascends the top rope, only for Barrett to boot him right in the head. Beatdown begins now, with Barrett then locking in a sleeper. Sin Cara punches his way out, then rolls out of a back suplex and hits a springboard headbutt. Another springboard crossbody for a near-fall, then Wade hits some punches, and manages to send Sin Cara out onto the apron.

Sin Cara tries to go high again, and this time hops over Barrett’s attempted assault, but gets caught with the Winds of Change to get planted hard. Barrett winds up the Bull Hammer, but Sin Cara turns it into a roll-up, and then…a powerbomb?! (Michael Cole’s Remark for Smarks: ‘That’s power you wouldn’t expect out of Sin Cara!’) He plants Wade Barrett in front of the turnbuckle, and then climbs up, but the Senton misses, and so does Barrett’s planned Bull Hammer! Sin Cara springboards off the ropes again…right into a Bull Hammer! Count to a hundred, and that’s the match.

Great match, out of two guys I wasn’t expecting one from. Hell, I’d be happy to see more of Sin Cara against opponents like Kidd, Cesaro, even Rollins. Barrett wasn’t dominant the whole way through, but still looked good. 3 Stars.

WWE announces the WWE Network, and acts like we should be grateful after the months and months of stalling. No dice, you tardy motherfuckers.

Hey, Dean Ambrose is the Shield’s/the Wyatts’/CM Punk’s/Daniel Bryan’s ‘unknown location’ hangout. Man, that place must be lonely now. He says that he was basically an awful child to try and raise, and that apparently translates into being a good wrestler. Man, explains why wrestling training and I didn’t go all that well. That and the fact that ‘come in the ring the hard way, reverse the Irish whip and hit a hip toss’ doesn’t sound very clear in the Geordie dialect. Basically, Ambrose is going to win the Royal Rumble: I’d say ‘spoiler alert’, but…it’s probably not.

And Nobody Got Thrown Over The Top Rope Forebodingly

Main event time, and the heels come out first. Michael calls them a ‘pretty formidable team’, despite the fact that the team includes Big Show and Kane. Man, Rollins’, Ambrose’s and Reigns’ theme musics sound so similar. It’s like Les Miserables, which is like the same four tunes over and over, making it the John Cena of musicals.

It’s go time, and Rollins starts things off by pounding Ambrose in the corner, but Ambrose turns things around, returning the favour and slamming his head off the turnbuckle before hitting a chop. Snapmare and an elbow drop to Rollins, then a neckbreaker. Ambrose hits a big kick to the stomach, and then tags in Reigns as they wrench Seth’s legs apart. Big clothesline to Rollins in the corner, then another snapmare. Roman stares down the Big Show before hitting a delayed vertical suplex, and then starts working over Seth’s arm. He locks Rollins in a facelock, then sends him off the ropes, only for Rollins to hit a kick to the face in desperation, tagging in Kane.

Kane puts a headlock on Roman, then is shot off the ropes and hits a big shoulder block to knock Reigns down. Another headlock applied to Reigns, and he back-suplexes Kane. Kane is still going strong, but a leaping clothesline from Reigns and an uppercut takes the wind out of the Big Red Machine’s sails. Bryan gets the tag, and kicks Kane for ages in the corner, and then hits European uppercuts in another, but Kane takes him down with a huge uppercut and sends him through the ropes. Cruiserweight Security hovers, but Ambrose and Reigns rock up to back them off. Rollins and Big Show join them, and we’ve got a brawl! Reigns, Bryan and Ambrose end up in the ring as we go to break.

Back from the commercials, and Bryan and Rollins are going at it…and then Ambrose immediately tags in: goddamn it. Dean locks Seth up in the ropes and hits a running dropkick before beating him down in the corner. Rollins reverses an Irish whip, only to run right into a boot. Ambrose looks like he’s going for a moonsault, but Rollins interrupts him, and Dean ends up in the Tree of Woe. Seth hits a stomp, and then tags in Big Show. Big punch to Ambrose, and then Show picks Dean up by the leg, hanging him up, before tagging Rollins in. As Seth has the ref distracted, Big Show hits some chops. Rollins applies a chinlock, keeping Dean Ambrose grounded, but Dean struggles up to his feet. Seth cuts him off, putting him back in the Authority corner, tagging in the Big Show to crush Ambrose in the corner.

Bodyslam and a big elbow to Ambrose from the Big Show. Ambrose ducks a chop, hitting strikes to Big Show in the corner, but Show slams a headbutt into Dean’s face, and then goes right back after the knee. He’s literally bearhugging the guy’s knee; I have never seen anyone do that before. Kane comes in from the tag, also taking it to the knee. Man, everyone’s so focused tonight. Suplex by Kane, and he drags Ambrose back to the corner, tagging in Rollins. Seth talks some trash, gets slapped, and then superkicks Ambrose. Kane back in; he takes a kick to the face, uppercuts Ambrose and Dean rebounds to clothesline him! Hope spot, but Rollins shuts Ambrose down, only for Dean to throw him right over the top rope! Cruiserweight Security distracts the referee, allowing Big Show to take Ambrose down at the knee, but Reigns hits a Superman Punch to Big Show on the outside! Rollins hits a dropkick to Reigns, catches up with Ambrose, but Dean makes the tag to Bryan!

Bryan immediately takes Kane off the apron with a dropkick, backflips over Rollins and flies out of the ring at Kane again! He hangs Rollins up on the ropes, then hits a missile dropkick to him, and then a hurricanrana! Rollins manages to hit kick to the head, and Kane comes in for the chokeslam! Reigns basically flies from one side of the ring to the other, interrupting the pin halfway along, and then leaps through the ropes to the outside, getting superkicked by the Big Show when he lands: watch the match for that moment only; that was freaking awesome. Big Show tries to undress the announce table (we should all start using that expression from now on), but Reigns spears him over it!

In the ring, Bryan tries to lock the Yes Lock onto Kane, and does so! Rollins breaks it up, and gets dropkicked by Ambrose, who takes out Cruiserweight Security, and Rollins, and dives out onto all of them! Kane wants a tombstone, but Bryan slips out, hits the CenaSlayer and gets the pin!

Okay, the first match makes sense if they were saving Bryan’s best stuff for this one. Everything about this ruled, with even Big Show bringing out offence I’ve never seen before. Consider me well and truly psyched for the Rumble. 4 Stars.

As Bryan celebrates, Triple H’s music hits. Well, we’ve got about one minute left, so he’d better make this snappy. Hunter says he got lucky tonight, but his luck’s going to run out. Next week, Kane has a match with Bryan, with Bryan’s spot in the Rumble on the line. Hah, yeah, because they want a repeat of last year’s Royal Rumble. Who would they even put in as the number 30 entrant?

This show was really well done. The first match had a great excuse, and everything else just worked well for me. I like how, even though Rollins and Cena are titling at this time, there are a bunch of guys who could potentially beat them who aren’t in a position to, like Ambrose, Reigns, Bryan, etc. There’s actually a good roster right now, and this show reflected that. Nine.

David’s Movie Recommendation: I finally ended up watching Saving Mr Banks a couple of nights ago. Now, I love Mary Poppins like nothing else, and I really didn’t want to see a movie which brought up a load of bad stuff about it, because that film is my childhood. But even with the background of it, and the fact that you have to wonder whether Disney was going out of their way to settle a score with the deceased Travers, it was a great movie. Colin Farrell plays an alcoholic in it, which is meant to be sad, but is sort of weirdly excellent.

Oh, and a final note, if you’re still with me. I am going to be away on a personal errand over a lot of next week, and would be really grateful if someone would be able to cover next week’s show; I’ve also put a note on the Facebook page. If you agree, I will be in your debt until I hurriedly pay it off (because I’m always afraid people are going to ask for a kidney if I leave it outstanding), and would be able to send you an email with all of the links and information I use. This would really be helping me out, and would be tres appreciated.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 5
LIVE 10 Thoughts On WWE Thursday Night SmackDown 01/15/15 Fri, 16 Jan 2015 01:47:39 +0000 Hi gang! I had fun with 10 Thoughts on Monday, I figured I should do it again! I will be updating this throughout the show, so make sure to refresh those browsers!

1) Honestly, the only reason why I’m watching SD on time this week is because of Daniel Bryan, so glad to see him back.

2) I do enjoy that Reigns & Ambrose still have a loose relationship still. I think they should have had each others backs a lot more frequently.

3) Mizdow…enough said. Really though, is there anything better in WWE right now than Damian Mizdow?

4) I truly think Renee Young got hosed. She’s great at the table during NXT, and should have gotten the 3rd spot over Byron Saxton.

5) Heyman is classic Heyman tonight.

6) Big Show wonders what one man can eliminate him in the Royal Rumble….Stevie Richards comes to mind.

7) Fun match with Sin Cara & Bad News, killer Bullhammer finish. I really hope this is finally Barrett’s time.
7a) I was hoping that Sin Cara would be wearing his NXT Tag Team Championship belt to the ring.

8) Seth Rollins in 3 segments on a 2 hour show…com’on guys, let’s fill the time a bit better.

9) Roman Reigns has to ditch the the Shield music and ring gear. It’s time to move on, let’s stop reminding us how awesome The Shield was and how we wish it never ended.

10) Great feel good ending with Bryan going over, well it would have been if HHH didn’t stick his nose out there.

Have a good night folks! I’ll be back on Monday!

~PKtopstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 3
Complete WWE Thursday Night Smackdown Taping Results for 01/15/2015 [Spoilers] Wed, 14 Jan 2015 03:55:11 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers from tonight’s tapings in Baton Rouge, Louisiana…

* Jerry Lawler, Byron Saxton and Michael Cole are on commentary. Lawler got a big pop.

* Byron Saxton interviewed Daniel Bryan in the ring.

* Daniel Bryan defeated Kane by DQ when Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble hit the ring. Big Show and Seth Rollins went to attack Bryan but he retreated. Roman Reigns came out and stood next to Bryan for a face off with the heels. Triple H came out and announced a six-man main event for later – Bryan, Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. Kane, Rollins and Big Show.

* Damien Sandow, The Miz and Alicia Fox defeated Naomi and The Usos. Sandow got a pop almost as big as Bryan.

* Paul Heyman comes out. Heyman talks about what happened on RAW but Seth Rollins comes out to confront him. Rollins is heated and wants to cash in on Brock Lesnar tonight but he’s not here. Heyman cut an awesome promo and the two teased working together after the Royal Rumble.

* Natalya defeated Nikki Bella in a non-title match.

* Bad News Barrett retained over Sin Cara in what was said to be a very fun match.

* Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns defeated Kane, Big Show and Seth Rollins in a really good main event. The babyfaces all got big pops and everyone worked hard. SmackDown ended with the faces celebrating.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 0
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 9th 2014: Je Suis Charlie Fri, 09 Jan 2015 22:21:37 +0000 It’s Friday night, ladies and gents, so you know what that means. Yep, it’s time for our two hour RAW recap, with some matches in between. But I have an aerating carafe filled with red wine so…you know…your fucking move, WWE.

This recap is actually pretty enjoyable because 1) I got to relive my joy at Royal Rumble’s title match not just being Cena and Lesnar again and 2) Cena was just miserable for that whole show. And…just the fact that Triple H was dumb enough to stand in a ring with four guys who despised him, who knew that he was going to something awful to them, really makes me wonder how suited he is to run a company. He’s almost as dumb as the guys who didn’t beat him into a coma before he could fire them, I mean come on!

But I guess this does mean the Authority gets a taste of their own ‘yeah, we were never really gone at all’ medicine.

We kick off le show proper (I’m learning French, although I am very sure that is not French) with Seth Rollins and his bitches. JBL’s blaming John Cena; Michael Cole is a bleeding heart and Tom has a ridonkulous new hairstyle. Seth is seriously happy about the fact that his bosses have let go of two red-hot ticket-sellers this Monday, because if it makes Cena sad then it’s worth letting Ziggler and Ryback go to TNA. Also, the graphic on my screen flashes up the words ‘WWE: Bigger and Better’ at this moment. No, you are three people smaller and two people worse. Rollins tries to pin the blame for the firings on Cena and, no, I’m pretty sure it’s his fault and the Authority’s fault; I think John just saved someone from paralysis/death. Also, does this mean that the title match at Rumble is going to be 2/3rds about this, and 1/3 about Lesnar’s wish to beat the world’s population into bloody surrender?

Rollins asks for ten seconds of silence so we can acknowledge the pointlessness of Rowan, the incredible stop-starting of Ziggler and the walking injury risk that is Ryback, who they might be sending to TNA as some kind of crippling Trojan horse. They even toll the bell, leading to Roman Reigns interrupting what was basically a eulogy. See, this is why I love Reigns: he isn’t involved in any part of this storyline, other than despising Rollins, who he’s demonstrated the ability to handily demolish. He just likes beating up dudes, which is a selfish yet at least logical motivation. Roman eyes up Seth, who quotes Bowfinger (what a ridiculous, wonderful movie). Reigns’ acting lessons sure weren’t in vain; I almost wish he’d been injured longer. And he’s making jokes, so the Cena-ification has officially begun. Oh, and there’s the poop joke. Stop it! Stop it right now! Roman thankfully turns it around by clearing the ring, badass style, and that could have been so much better if he hadn’t talked before doing it.

Seth and the Cruiserweights (excellent band name) beat it to the entrance ramp, and Big Show and Kane join them; pretty sure Roman could still kill all of them. Kane says that tonight it will be Rollins and Big Show vs. Roman Reigns, and whoever Reigns finds as a tag-team partner, i.e. anyone who hates the Authority, whose superpower is making everyone hate them. Then again, this brainwave came from a supporter of Ron Paul and economic libertarianism, so what were we expecting? Coherent thought? Big Show compares his fist to Reigns’, using the word ‘meaty’. Yep…yep, that’d be your standard penis metaphor. He then threatens to punch out Reigns, his partner, and everyone in the arena, so what we got out of that is that Big Show would like to slap his wang across people’s faces. Again, logical motivation. Show says that he’s a tiger; no, wait, he’s a giant. And Roman’s screwed. Or cockslapped; I’m still unsure.

Backstage, Kane is on his phone to his imaginary friend, and then Mizdow and Miz show up to Miz all over his office. Miz wants a two-team rematch against the Usos for the title, but then Sandow manages to toss water into a Kane’s face, and Kane states that the triple-threat tag match is still on. Come on, Kane, have the decency to electrocute Miz’s testicles at least.

Adam Rose Is One Of My Dead Hopes And Dreams

Oh hell, Adam Rose is in the ring. And he’s got Tyson and Cesaro with him, which is even worse. Don’t get me wrong: I love Kidd and Cesaro, but I don’t want them associated with Adam Rose, lest he get his irrelevance on them; just let them wrestle the Ascension already. Apparently Kidd and Cesaro are sick of asking for things, and their go-to reaction is to get involved in feuds that not even the WWE cares about. Do you hear the people sing?

Big E backs Rose into a corner, pounding on him before hitting a shoulder thrust. Rose manages to catch Langston with a spinebuster, and then lays down some strikes of his own. Sleeper hold locked in, at about one minute into this match. Big E powers out, and then lays Rose out with a clothesline. Adam Rose gets caught, and then takes a belly-to-belly. Warrior Splash hits, but Rose is able to slide out of the Big Ending, and then hits an enzuigiri to Langston, followed by a tornado DDT for a near-fall! Rose shows some frustration, charging off the ropes at Langston, who manages to lift him up for the Big Ending, and that’s the finish.

I don’t know why, but I was extremely aware of how quick that was. How much money do you think they made for, what, about three minutes’ work? The match itself was so-so; I cannot understand what went wrong with the New Day, but it certainly feels like it has. 2 Stars.

The overwhelmingly positive New Day want to beat the hell out of Kidd and Cesaro, but those two take a walk.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am

The Ascension’s here, probably to continue their reign of dominance over Ryback’s old opponents. Remember how Ryback would beat two or three of those jobbers at the same time? JBL and Philips claim that the Ascension are no Road Warriors, probably because neither Konnor nor Viktor are addicted to drugs. Viktor gets on the mic and gives the same ‘we’re better than all of these old guys’ speech from Monday. Also, did they seriously just insult the deceased Hawk?

Konnor starts off against Who, attacking him and dumping him out the ring. Viktor gets the tag and goes on the assault, throwing Who back inside the ring, and then blasts AreTheseTwo off the apron. Fall of Man hits, and it’s over.

Yeah, I get the idea that Jobbers shouldn’t stand a chance against these two, but they could at least show off more than one move. Showcase a little more, why don’t you? 1.5 Stars.

Byron is backstage with the Usos, and rather than asking them anything related to what they’re doing, he instead asks about the end of RAW. The Usos apparently believe they can’t be fired, because they’re not afraid to shoot their mouths off, and don’t seem concerned about the triple-threat match.

Some People Don’t Take Physical Assault Well

Alicia Fox is in the ring, and she’s apparently crazy again, in case anyone was keeping track of the WWE’s inability to write female characters. She’ll be facing Naomi, who was the victim of the aforementioned chauvinism. Also, since when were Alicia and Naomi supposedly friends?

Naomi takes Alicia down with a dropkick, hurls her across the ring and takes it to her with some punches. Stinger splash to Fox in the corner, then a snapmare and hard kick to the back. All Naomi right now, as Alicia tries to hit a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Naomi manages to turn it into a crossbody: impressive. Fox finally rallies with a knee to the gut, but that lasts no time at all, as Naomi hits a monkey-flip, and then a nice hurricanrana. She charges Alicia in the corner, but Fox jumps over Naomi, rolling her up for the three, using the ropes for leverage.

The disparity in offence in this match makes it inferior to the one these two had either last week or the week before, but it was still good. Naomi’s one of the stand-outs of the locker room, along with AJ, Paige and Nat and, though you didn’t see it here, Alicia can go in her own right. 2.5 Stars.

Hey, now that the Authority’s back, you know what else is back? Triple H and Michael Cole’s ‘We’re Not Wearing Pants’ Interviews! It was all worth it! Triple H makes his weaselly excuses, and whatever happened to the Triple H who didn’t make excuses for a damn thing he did, and just beat the shit out of you for giggles?

Tom calls the Ambulance match ‘the end of an era’, and that comment is almost enough to make me glad I won’t be listening to him for much longer. Oh, wait, he’s getting replaced by fucking Jerry Lawler.

Bray appears onscreen, and I swear to God, this had better not lead to another gimmick match. Seriously, this peaked at TLC.

Triple The Dudes, Triple The Threat

The Usos, the Dust Brothers and Miz2 show up to the ring, ready to do this championship thang. Jey starts off against Miz; they lock up before Miz applies a headlock. Jey rolls out, and Miz has to avoid Goldust trying to tag himself in. Another headlock applied to Jey; Jey shoots Miz off, and Miz knocks him back down. Jey puts on the headlock now, coming off the ropes to shoulderblock Miz himself. They trade pinning combinations for bit, before Jey hits a massive uppercut, taking Miz over in a headlock and tagging in Jimmy.

Miz hits Jimmy with a jawbreaker, then throws him into a corner; the Uso dodges Miz and hits an uppercut of his own. Chops to the chest of Miz; he floors Jimmy with as kick, but Stardust tags himself in and does some creepy shit. Bit of chain wrestling between Jimmy and Stardust before the Uso hits a calf kick. Jey comes in, hitting a forearm and a splash to the younger Rhodes. Jimmy comes back for a double elbow drop, but Goldust manages to get the tag off a cheap shot.

Jimmy takes Goldust down with a clothesline, then both Uso throw Stardust out of the ring, and then Miz, and then step back to allow Mizdow to throw himself out. Mizdow’s little ‘step aside, boys; I’ve got this’ gesture to both of them was a perfect example of why I love the guy. Jey flies through second ropes to take out the Miz, and then Stardust hits the Falling Star to take out Miz and Jey. Stardust then stares at Mizdow, until Mizdow takes another bump, and then Stardust celebrates; that is a half-star, right there. Jimmy hits a big shoulderblock to take Stardust out, and then tosses him back into the ring; he goes to climb high, but Stardust crotches him off a distraction by Goldust, and we go to break.

Back from the commercials, Jimmy hits a dragon whip to Stardust, but stumbles into Miz2’s corner, and Miz tags himself in, throwing Jimmy out. He teases tagging in Mizdow, but the distraction almost gets him rolled up; Stardust rolls out of a Skull-Crushing Finale, and Mizdow gets the blind tag! Clothesline to Stardust! Back/Neckbreaker to Stardust! Miz calls for the tag, distracting Mizdow enough to that Stardust can hurl him through the ropes; Goldust tags in and hits a clothesline from the outside. Goldust works on the leg of Mizdow, then applies a sleeper as Mizdow fights out. Jawbreaker staggers Goldust, but Stardust tags in, stomping MizDow. Why does Stardust keep crotch-thrusting? I feel like I should know. Goldust comes in, slapping on another sleeper. Mizdow fights his way to his feet, then out of the hold, but eats a big spinebuster. Tag to Stardust, and he lays Miz out with a Disaster Kick; Mizdow backdrops him, but Miz is on the outside. The Usos call for the tag; Mizdow hurls Goldust through the ropes and then does tag in Jey Uso!

Jey comes in hard and fast, knocking Stardust around before hitting a nasty-looking Samoan Drop. Goldust pulls Stardust out of the way of a Samoan Wrecking Ball, tagging himself in. He slides out of a Samoan Drop, and hits the Rhodes Uppercut to Jey, staggering him. Jey avoids the powerslam; Jimmy tags in and they both superkick Goldust. Miz breaks up the pin, and gets superkicked for his efforts. Mizdow hits the Skull-Crushing Finale to Jey! Goldust hits the Final Cut to Mizdow! He tries it again on Jimmy Uso, but gets rolled up for two. Goldust hits an uppercut, and then tries to send Jimmy towards Stardust, who’s ready with a low-bridge, but Jimmy reverses the Irish whip, and Goldust falls out of the ring! Jimmy flies out, hitting Stardust on the outside, and then throws Goldust into the ring; Samoan Splash for the win!

Really great match. And with an absence of Kidd and Cesaro, who would have elevated it even more. Mizdow was just golden here; he needs more match time, otherwise his shtick will get staler faster. 3 Stars.

We’re all still crying about Cena being easily-manipulated, and about that not-real firing. Apparently sent their cameras after Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler, apparently not afraid of death or dismemberment. Rowan’s dry delivery of ‘disappointment comes to mind’ was excellent. Also, if you were the Authority, why in God’s name would you want to piss off Roman Reigns? You’re already going to have Daniel Bryan, a man who has gone on record stating that he wants to fight Brock Lesnar, and Randy Orton, who literally portrays a psychopath at this stage, gunning for you; it’s like they experienced their downfall at Survivor Series and said, ‘it just wasn’t grand enough…’

Only John Cena Could Beat These Two In A Handicap Match

Big Show and Rollins are in the ring, with Kane and the Cruiserweights looking on. Roman arrives, all set to kick the shit out of everyone, ever, just because. We watch a RAW recap, showing that Big Show couldn’t get the better of Reigns whilst using steel stairs, even with his impressive 1-0 streak in Stairs Matches. Reigns is shaping up to take on both Authority members, but then Ambrose shows up, rushing Rollins as Roman takes out the Big Show. The Cruiserweights bundle Rollins out of the ring as Ambrose screams at everyone. Well, at least Ambrose getting involved makes perfect sense; if the Authority tries to fire him, he’ll show up next week wearing Triple H’s face.

Bell rings, and Rollins and Ambrose start off, with Dean hitting a crossbody and raining down some punches. Big chop to Seth’s chest, then a tag to Reigns, who flattens Rollins in the corner, then takes him out with a massive clothesline. This really is catharsis for the Shield, isn’t it? Tag to Ambrose, who hits his running dropkick to Seth, and then tough-talks Big Show. Rollins slips out of a suplex, but Ambrose goes on the assault again, before Big Show drags Seth out of the ring to regroup as we go to a break.

Back from the break, the Big Show is firmly in control of Ambrose. Wow, his trash-talking is just godawful. Rollins comes in with a boot to the knee, and then stamps on Dean’s hand. He works the knee some more, but Ambrose hits a thumb to the eye, hobbling for the tag. Rollins is too fast, however, continuing to assault Dean’s knee. Ambrose is tossed through the ropes, where the Cruiserweights hurl him into the barricade. Rollins lays Ambrose on the apron, hitting a massive boot to the side of the head, and then tags in Big Show. Show lays a massive chop across Ambrose’s chest, just straight flooring him. He shoves Dean to the ground again and again, and if I’ve learned anything it’s if a bully starts picking on a psychopath, the psychopath will end up wearing their teeth as a necklace. Ambrose tries to rally, running into a chokeslam, but manages to slip out of it. Big Show runs into Dean’s boot, and Ambrose is able to hit a tornado DDT before hitting the tag!

Reigns comes in, as does Rollins, and Roman smacks him all over the place. Kane gets up on the apron, and has to avoid a Superman Punch, but the distraction allows Seth to…get thrown into Kane and eat a Superman Punch. The Cruiserweights get on the apron…and eat a Superman Punch between them. Big Show finally comes back, chokeslamming Reigns, but Ambrose missile-dropkicks Show, and then dives from the top rope onto…all of the Authority! Seth goes for the Curb Stomp, but Reigns dodges it, hitting the Spear!

Another good match, and a powerful image to leave SmackDown on: the Authority lying in ruins as the remnants of the Shield make their exit. Ambrose’s injured offence was great dedication, and Roman just keeps giving you reasons to be glad he’s back. 3 Stars.

Sweet moment as Reigns makes sure to hustle Ambrose out of there before any of the Authority recover. Also, check out how damn fast Reigns is off the ground and running before he hits the Spear; the guy’s speed is ridiculous.

Great SmackDown to finish Friday nights with: bit of an iffy start with the New Day and the Ascension taking its damn time to fight anyone important, but it was all worth it way before the halfway mark. At least Thursday night broadcasts free up my week in a good way, so that’s appreciated. I guess I’ll see y’all on Thursday, and have a great weekend. Show gets a nine.

Movie Recommendation: I finally got around to watching Melancholia, which is another Lars Von Trier flick, with Von Trier regular Charlotte Gainsbourg (who is the scariest person, like, ever). The film itself, to me at least, is total perfection. I had to stop what I was doing and just watch it all the way through; it is a very powerful film.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 6
Daniel Bryan To Wrestle On First WWE Thursday Night Smackdown Fri, 09 Jan 2015 03:31:17 +0000 WWE promoting him for the show next week…

In addition to being added back to the house show schedule, WWE is now promoting Daniel Bryan’s return to the ring even sooner than Royal Rumble.

WWE Smackdown moves to Thursday next week for 2015, and as a huge event for the show, WWE will be pushing the in-ring return of Bryan for that show.

It will be the main attraction for the first Thursday Smackdown, which shows how much WWE feels Bryan can draw for the show.

The match will be Bryan’s first match back since his neck surgery and long recovery in the first half of 2014.

topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 3
WWE Shakes Up Announce Teams For Monday Night Raw, Thursday Night Smackdown Thu, 08 Jan 2015 23:19:54 +0000 What are the new broadcast lineups?

WWE announced that there are changes being made to the announcing lineups for the flagship shows.

Following the change from this past Monday’s Raw, Booker T joins the announce team on a permanent basis, replacing Jerry Lawler.

Thursday Night Smackdown will feature Michael Cole, but now with Jerry “The King” Lawler and Byron Saxton. JBL, who had been announcing Smackdown as well, will still on Raw. Tom Phillips is apparently being dropped from Smackdown as well.

The PPV announce team will continue to be Cole with JBL and Lawler on color commentary for the time being.
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 10
No Chance – 2015 Wish List (Paul Heyman, WWE Network, Smackdown) Thu, 08 Jan 2015 13:10:44 +0000 Last week we took a look at the wish list that I made at the beginning of 2014 and saw how close (or how far away) WWE got to fulfilling those wishes. This week we make a similar list for 2015, but just to quickly establish some outlines for the following wishes. First of all, nothing to specific. No long form, armchair booking that unfolds a plot involving extreme slow burn over six months. Also nothing too outlandish like getting the Rock the title again, while simultaneously making peace with Punk so he can come back and claim the WWE and we can undo that 2013 Royal Rumble main event. While I would love for something like that to happen, what I want this list to be is a few things that WWE can conceivably do in the next 12 months that will improve their product and make it more enjoyable for us all to watch on a weekly basis.

Make someone WWE champion for the first time: I asked for this on my wish list last year. Didn’t seem unreasonable then, doesn’t seem unreasonable now. But it just didn’t happen. But while John Cena and Randy Orton are getting into the double digits with their number of title victories, there are plenty of people who have earned a title shot that haven’t even gotten a single chance to hold the belt. We are fast approaching the two year mark of the last time someone won the WWE title for the first time, and even that was Daniel Bryan holding the title for just seconds before Randy Orton cashed in MiTB and won it from him. So please, at some point in 2015 let somebody who has never been the champion before, finally get to hold that title.

Be ready with something for Paul Heyman to do: CM Punk is gone. And it looks like Brock Lesnar might be gone by the end of the year as well. While I’d still like both of those guys to be here at the end of 2015, I can eventually come to terms that they will have left the company. But since returning to the WWE, Paul Heyman has more or less been attached to one of those two guys during his time with the company. And the few times he branched away from those two (Ryback, Curtis Axel, Cesaro) all kind of fizzled out into nothing. So this year when Brock finally does leave the WWE, do not let Paul Heyman leave with him. Have somebody waiting in the wings ready to be the next Paul Heyman guy. Or give Paul Heyman Smackdown control again, or put him on commentary. Whatever you do keep the guy busy and in your employment for as long as possible.

Make me interested in Smackdown again: This was another wish from last year that WWE really failed to grant. And the way things have been headed I almost put down “Make me interested in Raw again” for this year. But Smackdown will be moving to Thursday this year and so for the first time in a long time, I’m going to tune into an episode not because the internet told me there was “that one great match that I really had to see” but because I just want to see if moving to Thursday actually means anything different for the Blue Brand. (I don’t think it will but I am curious) I don’t think I’ll be the only one to do this, so this is WWE’s chance to really do something that will make me want to tune in the next week for Smackdown and hopefully make that a trend that will continue.

Have one great show on The Network: While it’s great to have The Network for the PPV events, and while NXT really makes the whole thing worth the purchase by itself, the out of ring original programming offered on the Network has been meh to ok at best. Monday Night War was the most exciting show that was revealed during the initial press release, but it turned out to be a lot of revisionist history full of interview snippets I had seen on other DVDs. Countdown was fine, but it was a half hour concept at best that’s been stretched into an hour long show each time. So what I would like to see is one show that I’m actually looking forward to watching on a weekly basis.
Whoever Beats Brock Lesnar for the title, don’t have them drop it to Cena: Somebody is going to beat Brock Lesnar this year. It might be Cena and if that’s the case then this wish is null and void. But then again it might not be Cena. It could be Bryan or Roman Reigns, or Ziggler or whoever you want it to be, that’s not what matters right now. What is important is that whoever does finally take down the beast, not get feed to Cena four weeks later at the next PPV. Nobody on the roster needs that boost in credibility less than Cena and to just get the championship back on Cena right after Brock, even it their is an interim champion between the two does a great disservice to whoever is the one to actually pin Brock. Beating Brock Lesnar for the championship will be a feather some wrestler can wear in their cap for a long time to come. Don’t squander that.topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 4
Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Taping Results for 01/09/2015 [Spoilers] Wed, 07 Jan 2015 05:40:52 +0000 SmackDown kicks off with an in-ring promo from Seth Rollins, Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. Roman Reigns interrupts to a big pop. Reigns ends up clearing the ring but Big Show comes out. Big Show and The Authority vs. Reigns is announced for tonight and Reigns must find a tag team partner.

Adam Rose makes his way out and The Authority are shown on the big screen. The New Day comes out and Big E defeats Rose.

The Ascension cut a promo in the ring and squashed two local wrestlers.

Alicia Fox defeated Naomi with her foot on the rope.

The Usos defeated Goldust & Stardust and The Miz & Damien Sandow in a Triple Threat to retain their titles. Goldust got pinned.

Sin Cara defeated Bad News Barrett clean in a non-title match. Barrett hit him with the Bullhammer after the match.

Seth Rollins and Big Show vs. Roman Reigns and a partner is the main event. Nobody comes out for Reigns at first but finally the music of Dean Ambrose hits and out he comes. Ambrose and Reigns win when Reigns spears Rollins. This was the end of SmackDown.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 3
Early Info On Matches & Segments Planned for Final Friday Smackdown, Main Event Tapings Tue, 06 Jan 2015 12:54:47 +0000

WWE is taping Smackdown and doing a live Main Event on Tuesday night.

For Main Event, WWE announced that Paige would take on Nikki Bella in a singles match, although it was not announced as a Diva’s Title match.

For Smackdown, there will be a Miz TV segment featuring Seth Rollins. Rollins will also be involved in a match on the show, but his opponent was not yet announced.

This week’s Smackdown will be the final episode that airs on Fridays before the show moves to Thursdays the week after.
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 0
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 2nd 2014: Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot… Sun, 04 Jan 2015 19:14:28 +0000 Hello all, and welcome to the SmackDown Report. I’m aware that this is late, but I’m also aware that you aren’t my Dad. Dad, if you are reading this, sixteen years is a hell of long time to be out looking for cigarettes. Didn’t even know you smoked.

We kick things off with a recap of Seth Rollins threatening to, at the very least, paralyse a non-employee and actually use the word ‘kill’ in that context. Seriously, Cena should have just pointed out that Seth, Big Show and J and J would absolutely go to jail for several years and seen if that did the trick. Also, we then immediately see that John was quick enough to stop Rollins from actually breaking Edge’s neck anyway, meaning he could have just recited The Jabberwock and made the save without bringing the Authority back. John Cena and Seth Rollins are a match made in stupid-people heaven. Oh, and WWE Creative should be forced to take writing classes.

We kick off the show with the unparalysed Edge and the ‘Can Only Take One Briefcase Shot’ Christian. Michael Cole tells us they’ve actually filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit, which is…honest to God exactly what I’d be doing. They’re running SmackDown tonight, because even though the Authority are back, who cares about SmackDown? Edge says he wishes they could get back at Rollins, which…it sort of seems like they are definitely able to do, being in charge and all. Just put him in a handicap match against Rusev, Swagger and Ryback: see how he likes a broken neck. But apparently neck-breaking isn’t a trigger for Edge, so they’re just going to do this show, but then a limo shows up on the titantron, implying that a cameraman is just hanging out there. Noble and Mercury are in the limo, and that must be some kind of Make-A-Wish thing right there. They then manage to somehow get to the stage in the space of a few seconds, so they can teleport. And they use Seth Rollins’ music, because…probably a Make-A-Wish thing again.

Rather than murder-killing the two shorties who tried to help paralyse one of them on Monday, Edge and Christian mock them. Shit, they’re taking this lawsuit seriously. The stooges read out a prepared statement, which really seems to be the Authority throwing Rollins under the bus, but I’ll take anything which makes Seth a Heyman Guy. And I’m pretty sure that, even if the Authority didn’t know about the attack, then Edge and Christian still get to sue the company, due to the fact that the four guys involved in that incident were all contracted employees. So, those two are still going to be millionaires. Which, I guess, explains their general cheer. Jamie and Joey are apparently there to ensure that E+C don’t suddenly snap and burn down the arena whilst mounting Rollins’ severed head on a spike. But instead of that, they put Cruiserweight Security in a match against Ryback. Except…they don’t, instead putting Ryback in a match against the Big Show. And then Rusev gets put in a match against Roman Reigns: that’s a DQ. Noble says he’s taking notes for their permanent files, and Edge points out that he’s not an employee. Imagine if he’d come back as psycho-Edge rather than Reeks-Of-Awesome Edge. Or if him and Christian came back as the Brood? Shit would be real.

WWE Doesn’t Provide Therapy; It Provides Entertainment

Bray Wyatt shows up, and apparently he’s having an Ambulance Match at some stage with Ambrose, and has gone on record saying that they ‘will not be able to resuscitate’ Ambrose. I’m pretty sure that Bray doesn’t get to be the guy who gives the DNR order, but we’ve sort of already established that the writers of this show do fuck-all research. Bray’s going to fight Rowan in a match which, you know, could have had a little bit of fucking build.

Bray yells for Rowan to lay down, and maybe they’re saving the PPV match for Harper. Rowan refuses to job out, so Wyatt smacks him around, leading to Rowan throwing and booting him. He runs Bray’s head into some turnbuckles pretty violently, and this just screams of some kind of trauma endured whilst Rowan was in the Wyatt Family. He misses a turnbuckle charge, blasting the ring post and falling out to the floor. Wyatt follows him out, hurling Rowan into the steel post.

Wyatt asks Rowan ‘why are you doing this to me?’ which is textbook narcissistic-parent behaviour. He slams Erick’s head into the steel post, which is textbook WWE heel behaviour, and then applies a sleeper in the ring, which is textbook Randy Orton behaviour. Rowan breaks out of it, starting to fire up as he pancakes Wyatt in the corner, then runs right over him. Bray begs off, and when a formerly-abusive parental figure tries to stop you from hurting them, you keep fucking hurting them. Rowan hesitates, and then gets Sister Abigailed, which underlines that lesson entirely.

I’d be intrigued by this match if there was build to it. It was also rushed and mostly devoid of emotion; my hope now is that Harper picks up this fight at some stage; it would be a better match, let’s face it. 2 Stars.

Bray gets on a microphone and says that if he’s willing to do that to someone he claims to be related to, what’s he going to do to Dean Ambrose? Well, probably a little less, considering that Ambrose isn’t a pussy. He says that Dean is going to be lying on a slab, and I’m getting worried that Bray thinks that he has to actually place Ambrose in a serious risk of death in this Ambulance Match or he’ll get arrested for improper use of the emergency services.

Edge and Christian are backstage, and Jamie and Joey stop them from doing a five-second pose, which it turns out was just a distraction so that Edge and Christian can just…sneak away. Yep.

I love how WWE’s Royal Rumble commercial involves the implication that we all hate our jobs and our kids.

HEEL!Adam Rose: About As Successful As FACE!Adam Rose

Well, the stars have finally aligned. And by stars, I mean the under-the-influence members of the WWE. By which I mean the Dust Brothers are teaming up with Adam Rose. They’ll be facing the Usos and R-Truth in this six-man tag match, and Rose is going to kick things off against R-Truth. They duel ‘What’s Up’ chants, and Truth nearly rolls Rose up. Bless him for trying to end this. Truth tags in Jey, who runs the ropes until Stardust low-bridges him. Give it up, guys, you’re not getting the belts again. We get a random promo for John Cena, just in case there is the slightest chance we didn’t know that he was our lord and saviour and really easy to blackmail. When we come back, Jey is in a facelock by Goldust, but punches away at him until the Bizarre One powerslams him. Tag to Stardust, who chokes Jey with his foot. Stardust really does have a creepy, giggly, mentally-impaired serial killer vibe to him. He then proves this by tagging in Adam Rose, who stomps on Jey and chokes him on the ropes. Okay, guy controlling the cameras, we’re all now sufficiently aware that that Rosebud girl has large breasts; back to the match.

Rose hits a back elbow and tags Goldust in. Jey tries to fire up, knocking all three men off the apron or out of the ring! Jey tries to crawl over to either R-Truth or the more-capable one. Jimmy gets the tag and clotheslines the now-legal Rose. Uppercut, Samoan Drop. Goldust tries to block a Samoan Wrecking Ball, but Uso ducks him and hits it anyway. Jimmy catches Goldust’s foot and holds it, allowing Truth to kick Goldust in the face: pragmatic. R-Truth throws himself out of the ring onto Goldust, and then Stardust feints bringing it against Jimmy, but then does his ‘Falling Star’ thing, crying ‘Make A Wish!’ Does that count as advertising? Rose tries to roll up one half of the tag-team champions, and gets Superkicked. Samoan Splash ends it.

Actually pretty decent for a six-man tag match. I mean, I like them, but you need the right combination of dudes. Yeah, I miss the Shield and the Wyatts. 2.5 Stars.

Wow, the Rosebuds actually hit the ring, in an uncharacteristic bid for suicide-via-actual-wrestlers. When is the Bunny going to appear as the Rosebud Messiah, and save them?

Promo for Brock Lesnar, which is actually the closest we’ve ever gotten to having him on SmackDown. Remember when he only used to be on this show? Remember when this show used to be awesome?

Flashback to Harper vs. Jack Swagger, because that was a fucking classic, wasn’t it? Then we see Daniel Bryan telling us that he’s coming back which was, actually, amazing.

You Could Set Your Clocks By Rusev Run-Ins

Here’s Ryback, fresh off his ‘shit you don’t want to know about me’ talk from Monday. And here’s Big Show, here to compete in this contest of who is the WWE trying to protect more in the run-up to their respective PPV matches. The Big Show and Guy lock up, and then Ryback drives Show into a corner and shoulder-thrusts him, before Show clotheslines him right out of the ring. Big Show hoists Ryback up to the apron, and the Big Guy hangs him up on the ropes. Boot to Big Show back in the ring, then a pair of axe-handles from the second rope actually knock Show down! Ryback winds up for the Meathook, but Show ducks out of the ring. Better be careful, Big Show; Reigns is faster than Ryback.

We get a promo telling us not to try giving a lecture about the challenges we’ve faced to get where we are today at home, and when we come back Big Show is dominating. Ryback gets some shots in, but Show levels him with a clothesline. The Giant wraps Ryback’s leg around the ring post, and Ryback probably shouldn’t have pinpointed his ‘injure me here’ area on Monday, the dumb asshole. Big Show continues to attack the leg again in the ring, killing any chance of Ryback building momentum. Bodyslam to Ryback. Michael says that Big Show’s got a new attitude, which is basically like half of his old attitudes. Big Show wrenches Ryback’s body back by the legs, making the Big Guy scream in pain before he reaches the ropes. Big Show then bodyslams Ryback near the ropes, making sure that Ryback’s leg hits the top rope.

Big Show charges at Ryback, who manages to low-bridge him. Ref starts the count, and Big Show beats it at seven. Ryback immediately clotheslines Show a few times before hitting the Thesz Press. He hits a splash from the second rope, but Show goozled him for a chokeslam. Ryback counters, hitting a spinebuster…

…and THE FLAG WAS SUMMONED. Rusev and Lana, otherwise known as the Protection Squad, walk down the aisle to distract Ryback, who is apparently easily-distractable. Show hits the KO Punch to knock him off the apron, and Ryback takes the count-out loss.

Jesus, WWE, you are allowed to have wrestlers get clean wins over other wrestlers. Even if they are going to be in a PPV this month. Match was good enough, really, which surprised me. 2.5 Stars.

Post-match, Rusev tries to apply the Accolade, but Ryback avoids it and clotheslines Rusev out of the ring. Suck it, Soviet.

Backstage, J and J find Edge and demand to know where Christian is. Edge tells them that he’s in the bathroom, and Noble goes in. There’s a woman’s scream, and Noble comes out, white with the fear that he’s about to get ‘sexual harassment’ added to his file.

Really Hope Cesaro And Natalya Run Off Together

Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Tyson Kidd’s emotionally-abused wife (if Tyson Kidd tried to physically abuse Nat Neidhart, I’m pretty sure she would break his back) approach the ring. We see a clip showing that Tyson and Cesaro are stoked that the Authority is back, because apparently they believe that means they’ll get the recognition that they deserve. Excuse me for just one minute.


Tyson Kidd also stole a high-five from his wife, like the worthless dick that he is. They’re up against the Matadors, whose midget mascot is more popular than they are, and I’m pretty sure everyone hates the mascot. Headlock to Tyson, with Fernando getting the tag. They dodge Kidd until Fernando hits the neckbreaker, then runs into a back elbow. He dropkicks Kidd to the floor, but when he tries to dive out onto him, Cesaro slams an uppercut right into his face. Kidd well in control, and he tags in Cesaro for a double backdrop.

Sleeper hold applied by Cesaro, and Fernando quickly gets out of it, but Cesaro catches him in the swing before Kidd hits a dropkick into his mask. Uppercuts to Fernando before Kidd gets tagged in; Fernando avoids another double backdrop situation, sending the boys out of the ring before catching an airborne Kidd with a dropkick; tag to Diego! Diego comes in hard and fast, knocking Cesaro around before doing his handstand in the corner and headscissoring the Swiss Superman. Cesaro reverses an Irish whip, and blocks the hurricanrana; double powerbomb/neckbreaker by Kidd and Cesaro for the win!

Okay, I’m sold on the team, if only because a match between them and the Usos will be fucking glorious. Los Matadores are two people who could be better employed in any other role. And not just wrestling; I mean like working in a library or sweetshop. 2 Stars.

Well, Curtis Axel isn’t dead, and he’s facing Dean Ambrose, who Bray Wyatt seems to think he has to kill. Ambrose flings himself onto Axel and tries to murder him before the bell even rings. They brawl on the outside, and Curtis gains the upper hand for a moment before Ambrose levels him with a clothesline. Dirty Deeds stops us from seeing a Curtis Axel match.

Ambrose grabs a mic as he strolls up to the stage, and then narrates how he’s going to commit a homicide on RAW. Seriously, like, most of what he talks about will involve him joining Rollins and the Authority in a courtroom. I mean…not the same one, because courts do not work that way. They’d all need lawyers, is what I’m saying.

Wait, we’re watching Seth Rollins try to commit GBH/murder for a second time? I mean…this opened the show.

The Ascension: Reliving Ryback’s 2012

Here’s the Ascension, who are apparently the reincarnation of the Road Warriors and Demolition. I can get behind that sort of thinking, and I know I just said that about WWE programming; don’t judge me. They’ll be facing the team of Unnamed and Jobber to show how badass they are.

Unnamed immediately gets driven into the corner and gets an uppercut from Viktor. Konnor tags in and lays down some strikes. Viktor comes back in, knocking Unnamed around in the corner, then Konnor tags in to help Viktor hurl Unnamed across the ring. Jobber tags in, and gets immediately slain with the Fall of Man.

I like these two, and I think they’re going to be a good match for the Usos and Kidd and Cesaro. Looking forward to them starting to go up against those teams, though; we don’t need to do a whole Ryback thing with them. Just get them into some PPV matches.

Edge and Christian are still backstage, and Noble and Mercury show up to clear the office for the Authority. Even though I’m pretty sure that they’ll be in a different arena on RAW. Apparently ‘getting the office ready’ means replacing the pictures. Edge and Christian then vandalise Hunter and Steph’s magazine cover photo with Sharpies, rather than vandalising Triple H’s quad with a tyre iron. Whatever floats your goat, fellas.

What Are The Odds Of Reigns Just Ending The Streak Here?

Main event time, and I hope you love tainted wins and interference just as much as I do. Reigns approaches the ring, followed by Rusev and Lana (albeit from different directions). They lock up, with Rusev driving Reigns into the corner to start. Reigns ducks a punch, and they circle each other before tying up again. Once again, Rusev bulls Reigns into the corner, then hits some strikes hard and fast. He backs off for the count, and Reigns throws him into the corner in his own right, throwing some hands himself. Rusev reasserts himself with a big waistlock takeover; Roman tries to regain his feet before being taken over again, but then breaks out on his second attempt, clothesline Rusev out of the ring.

Back from the break, Rusev’s got Roman in a facelock, but the Samoan drives him into a corner, Irish whips him into the other, gets elevated out onto the apron and hangs Rusev up on the ropes. He charges at Rusev, but blasts the post with his shoulder as Rusev dodges. German suplex, and then a double-underhook suplex to Reigns by the big Bulgarian. Waistlock applied by Rusev, and Roman is throwing elbows to get out of it, but once he’s out Rusev lays him right back down and hits a bunch of stomps, then applies the waistlock again, transitioning from there into a sleeper hold.

Roman hits punches to the gut, then hangs onto the ropes off an Irish whip, meeting Rusev with a big uppercut, then smacks him right in the face…before Rusev takes him down with a fallaway slam. Sleeper hold to Roman, and when he tries to power out, Rusev hits a knee to the gut. Reigns stops his head from being slammed into the corner repeatedly, and then hits some more blows to Rusev’s face, but the Bulgarian can’t be stopped, and he throws Roman through the ropes. Unfortuately, this seems to piss Reigns off a huge amount, and he gets right back in that ring to punch Rusev some more. Rusev tosses him again, and Roman comes back in again, finally taking Rusev down with his big clothesline.

Rusev tries to keep his distance from Roman, but Reigns keeps close, finally hitting a back suplex. He winds up for the Superman Punch, but a dropkick from Rusev stops him in his tracks. Now Rusev stalks Reigns, but Roman catches his kick and smacks him, and then comes back to hit the Superman Punch. Rusev falls out of the ring, and Reigns goes right back out to put him back in.

Oh, and did somebody say fucking ‘protected’? Here’s the Big Show, and Roman runs right up and Superman Punches him too. Rusev catches him with the big kick when he comes back for the near-fall, and Rusev gets to his feet. He tries for his kick; Roman ducks and hits the Spear! Big Show breaks up the pin by pulling Reigns out of the ring.

Always interesting to see Reigns being overpowered, especially considering the possibility of him fighting Lesnar one day. This match in general was fun to watch, especially how close the match seemed to be, with either man able to seize the advantage at any moment. 3 Stars.

Big Show knocks Reigns around on the outside, throwing him into the barricade and hitting his own, incredibly shitty, spear. He then takes the announce table apart and tries to chokeslam Reigns through it, but Roman manages to whack Show’s head off it, then dropkicks him in the face, and hurls Show over the top of it, before burying him underneath it.

Fair enough show, although not as good as the past couple of weeks. At least Reigns and Rusev was a decent enough faux-marquee moment, and Ryback/Show was another big match: shame we knew they’d never end well. Seven.

David’s Movie Recommendation: I’ve actually only just finished watching it, but I can’t praise The Grand Budapest Hotel enough. Total Wes Anderson movie, with a large number of his usual alumni. Fiennes is just goddamn glorious, and every single one of his lines is giggle-worthy. My screenwriting tutor, Tina Gharavi, was a big fan of this movie, which earns it more credit from me than most any other review. Definite recommendation.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 3
No Chance – The 2014 Wish List Reviewed (CM Punk, WWE Wrestlemania XXX, Smackdown) Fri, 02 Jan 2015 00:27:04 +0000 Every year at the beginning of the year, I offer up a wish list of what I would want to see out of the WWE in the upcoming year. Nothing too specific or outlandish like “Get Wrestler X to come back and give him the title,” but things that are vague enough that I would like to see happen at some point in the next 365 days. That wish list will be next week’s column, but this week, I want to take a look back at the list that I made at the end of last year to see if all of (or any of) my hopes and dreams for 2014 were realized. So below, are the things that I hoped would happen in 2014 at this time last year.

Make WrestleMania XXX worth it: Last year’s WrestleMania was kind of a sad repeat of the Mania before it, so I wasn’t looking to fondly on what was supposed to be the greatest wrestling event of the calendar year. But this was WrestleMania XXX, I wanted a show that not only could live up to that title but come away as one of the finer moments in WrestleMania’s thirty year history. Safe to say, WWE delivered big on this one. From the Daniel Bryan saga bookending the event with two different matches, to the Streak being broken, WrestleMania XXX was one for the history books. Even the seemingly filler matches in between the big moments really brought their A game making the card one of the strongest Wrestling cards in recent memory.

Do something great with CM Punk: At this time last year, CM Punk seemed to be floating from meaningless feud to meaningless feud never really sticking to anything. This was WWE’s longest reigning champion of the past two decades and I wanted to see something great for him! That…didn’t really happen as you all know. Just a few weeks after making my 2014 wishlist, CM Punk walked out on WWE, seemingly never to return. So no, I didn’t get the amazing CM Punk centered storyline that I was looking for in 2014, but I can’t place 100% of the blame on WWE for that.

Don’t Screw Up Sheamus: At this time last year Sheamus was out due to injury and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t more tired of the Sheamus character than any other wrestler I had ever seen. Did 2014 repair my relationship with Sheamus? Eh, hard to say if WWE did or did not screw up Sheamus when it seems like they did pretty much nothing with him the whole year long. To be honest, I’m not sure I could tell you a single match that Sheamus was in on WWE television this past year. Was he in the Rumble? I think he might have been in the Rumble at some point.

Make Someone Champion for the First Time: The people who were WWE champion this year: Randy Orton, Daniel Bryan, John Cena, and Brock Lesnar. All four of those men had already been champions before 2014 started (Some of them several times) Even Daniel Bryan, who’s championship victory had that “finally the champion” feel to it, was actually winning the championship for the third time. You guys, there are so many people on the roster just waiting for that title shot. Seth Rollins, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt, and the title goes to Cena and Orton for half of the year. (Also Vacant held the title for a while there between Bryan and Cena, but even he had a brief time with the title last year)

Get Me To Watch Smackdown Again: I’ll admit it, one year later and I still barely watch Smackdown. And really, why should I? What is it that I’m missing by not catching up on two hours of Raw Replay with a blue tint every week? I’ve hardly watched Smackdown at all this year other than the occasional match here and there and I feel like I’ve missed nothing. Meanwhile, I wasn’t actively watching NXT for the first few months of the year and I really feel like I’ve missed out on something, to the point where I’m trying to catch up via the Network. So handling of NXT: A+. Handling of Smackdown: D- (That one triple threat match saved Smackdown from an F)
Don’t fumble on the Network: Honestly I gotta say, for me, WWE’s doing everything right with the network. All of the PPVs free for Network subscribers. Lots of original content exclusive to the network. Varying quality but a lot of it is quite good, and there’s way more than I’ve had a chance to see. NXT has been off the charts when it comes to quality wrestling. And the network has thousands of archive hours for me to go back and watch anytime I want. Yet WWE continues to struggle to hit the numbers that they are hoping for to make the Network a success. I’m curious, for those who don’t have the Network, or perhaps had it and decided to cancel your subscription. What is it that the network is still missing that you don’t think it’s worth it. Too expensive? Not enough time? While WWE struggles with their network, I gotta say, quality wise, I have very little to complain about.topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 4
Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Taping Results for 01/02/2015 Wed, 31 Dec 2014 21:11:08 +0000 Edge and Christian were out again to open the show. They talked about what happened on Raw. Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury came out. They read a statement where The Authority claimed they had no knowledge of the attacks on Edge & Christian.

Bray Wyatt b Erick Rowan. Crowd didnt care.

Wyatt did an interview promoting the Ambulance match with Dean Ambrose on Raw on Monday.

Big Show b Ryback via count out. Rusev distracted Ryback, which allowd Show to get the punch in and Ryback fell off the apron to get counted out.

Tyson Kidd & Cesaro b Los Matadores. More teasing problems with Natalya and Kidd as Kidd ignored Natalya after the match.

Dean Ambrose was to wrestle Curtis Axel. Amborse beat down Axel before the match ever took place. An ambulance came into the arena. Amborse cut a promo on what he was going to do to Wyatt.

The Ascension b guys whose names were never announced.

Usos & R-Truth b Goldust & Stardust & Adam Rose

Edge & Christian used a magic marker to draw all over the HHH & Stephanie McMahon Muscle & Fitness magazine cover.

Roman Reigns b Rusev via DQ when Big Show interfered. Reigns and Show brawled to the back. Reigns got revenge, throwing the table over onto Show.
topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 1
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for December 26th 2014: And A Happy New Year Sat, 27 Dec 2014 20:54:21 +0000 Well, hello there. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are girding yourselves for a hell of a new year. In the comedown between those two events, let’s take a moment to laugh at the ridiculous nature of professional wrestling.

Speaking of which, here’s Hulk Hogan. I mean, he’s not dressed as Santa this time, but taken entirely at face value, Hulk Hogan is an absurd human being. Michael Cole says that there’s no place he’d rather be on Boxing Day than Sioux City, Iowa, and considering that at least one of those other places contains a) his wife and b) his kids, I’m guessing that it was a terrible, hypocritical Christmas at the Cole household.

Well, let him tell us something, brother. Hulk Hogan’s running SmackDown tonight, so that probably means we’ve got to hear him talk. He namedrops Daniel Bryan, which is the wrestling promo equivalent of saying ‘think of the children’: people will act like what you said was important, but it just makes it obvious that you’ve got nothing really to say. Edge and Christian are also running RAW this coming Monday, and at least one of those two is an active wrestler. If you can’t remember which one, you’re in good company.

Seth Rollins does the honourable thing and interrupts Hogan’s meaningless babble so that he can…shake hands with him. He says that with all of Hulk’s accomplishments, people might start calling him ‘the Seth Rollins of the Eighties’, which is unlikely considering that Rollins 1) has more than five moves 2) is physically attractive 3) didn’t scar my childhood with “films” like Mr Nanny. Also, Rollins’ gloves are hanging from his belt, which is…odd, I guess. He says that, all kidding aside, Hogan was the reason Rollins got into the business, which seems like kidding to me. But he gets mad and tells Hulk he’s got no business being in his ring, who threatens him with his TRANSIENT EXECUTIVE AUTHORITY. He plays the whole ‘we want the Authority back’ thing, which is at least some genuine motivation for the guy. Rollins tells Hogan to tell the audience that Rollins is the future of the company: see, now if Hogan does it, he’s a heel; if he denies it, he’s Michael Cole.

Hulk gets pissy and even threatens Rollins, which is proof that Hogan will never stop being Hogan. Then he says that there are loads of guys who are better than Rollins and, thankfully, he brings out Ziggler. Because there seriously wasn’t a better option.

Ziggler comes out, doing that whole face thing of pathetically kissing up to the old and not-relevant-in-this-decade person in the gym. Seth and Dolph discuss the future, which quickly devolves into random threats, which I guess is how science-fiction writers collaborate. Big Show comes out, with his motivation of providing for his family, which he apparently plans to do by knocking out Hulk Hogan and Dolph Ziggler. Man’s like the fucking Wolf of Wall Street over here. Reigns then shows up, because fuck Big Show’s stupid family (which is, like, the greatest motivation he could have in this feud). He tells Show not to try it, because he’ll kick his ass. Hogan makes a tag-team match between the four of them and drops one of his godawful catchphrases. Seriously, WWE didn’t have the common decency to have Rollins beat the shit out of Hogan as a way of getting some heat?

I Mean, Without The Chairs It’s Like…Just A Wrestling Match

Kane’s in the ring when we return, awaiting the arrival of and his brutalisation by Ryback. The Big Guy shows up, marching up to the ring. Apparently his entrance music is called ‘Meat on the Table’, and I can think of about seven snarky comments and about nine innuendoes stemming from that title. We relive the slow slide into cringe that is Rowdy Roddy Piper nowadays, but the spinebuster to Rusev was almost worth it.

Kane gets pounded into a corner by Ryback, but meets the Big Guy with a boot as he comes off the ropes. Uppercuts and knees to Ryback in the corner, then a hard Irish whip into the opposite turnbuckle. Ryback tries to come back, but eats a back elbow to keep him on the mat. Ryback’s not going away, however, punching at Kane and sending him off the ropes before hitting a spinebuster to literally no comment by the commentary team…because they were just waiting for Rusev’s music to hit..

Rusev rushes the ring (or as near to doing that as he can get to), and Ryback keeps a wary eye on Kane when he should be ripping out his femur and using it to shank the Bulgarian Brute: entertaining and efficient. Ryback kicks Rusev off the apron, avoids a chokeslam, hits a Meathook to Kane and finishes it with Shell Shock.

Colour me surprised that a wrestler getting on the apron did not end the match in a DQ in this day and age, especially because the Big Red DQ Risk was involved. Not much to talk about in the match, although if they’d just had Ryback run through Kane like this at the PPV, it would have been a lot more watchable. 2 Stars.

Rusev’s still down on the outside, and if I was Ryback I’d be busy injuring him ahead of time for our match, but then I’m not a WWE face, am I? Michael compares Rusev to the Russian economy, and that is nowhere near fucking okay, Michael: at least Rusev only injures people; he doesn’t kill, starve or incite war or revolution in them. Rusev gets on the apron, and actually gets into the ring. Kane is a distraction, allowing Rusev to superkick Ryback, then Kane chokeslams Ryback twice before Rusev applies the Accolade. Ryback is left motionless, and I’m honestly shocked that Michael Cole doesn’t compare him to an Ebola patient.

Rusev and Lana walk around backstage, exchanging sweet nothings in Russia. Then Hogan shows up, because where there’s foreigners the Hulkster is there to ‘fight for what’s right’. Which, as we’ve recently learned, apparently includes torturing people so Rusev better watch the fuck out. But it turns out that Hulk’s just making him put the title on the line.

Damn It, Naomi Could Have Done This With The Title

Alicia Fox is in the ring, and she’ll be facing Naomi tonight. Holy hell, two women who aren’t the Bellas. I will take that. We flashback to Naomi almost winning the Divas Title before Jimmy Uso got all ‘I don’t trust my own wife around other men’ up in her face. Seriously: he either doesn’t trust his wife, or believes Miz is a genuine threat to her (and in which case he should probably contact the cops). Or just hates the Miz so much than anything and everything means nothing to him in comparison to that hate, and I would both accept and love that as his motivation.

Naomi immediately gets Fox in a headlock, taking her over; Alicia scissors the head; Naomi kips up, right into a dropkick. Also, Michael just asked us what we would do if another man (so, not specifically the fucking Miz) cheered our wife on. Well…you know, assume that my wife was capable of thinking for herself and didn’t consistently need me to act as a chaperone/bodyguard, but maybe I’m just a product of a different generation (my Grandma levelled that accusation at me this Christmas for knowing how to work a mobile phone and believing that UKIP shouldn’t be allowed to run a village fair, let alone a nation).

Naomi leaprfrogs in the corner, but Alicia catches her legs on her shoulders before Naomi waggles her ass in her face: considering who her husband is that is technically a tribute to Rikishi. Calf kick knocks Fox to the ground as we see Miz watching the girls wrestle. Probably a good idea: they’ve got more moves than he does.

Naomi wrenches Fox’s arm, but Alicia elbows her way out of it, before catching Naomi in a hard tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Sleeper hold to Alicia as Tom announces that movies are lies and therefore all actors are liars. I’m going to actually use a whole new paragraph for my reaction to that one:

What the fucking fuck, Tom?

Michael Cole is astounded and shocked and appalled that he’s found a man who can spray bullshit more monumental than his own, and Naomi uses the wave of nausea that Tom’s epic mountain of psychotic accusation creates in Alicia to break free, only for Fox to slam her head off the turnbuckle and hit the Northern Lights suplex. She tosses Naomi onto the apron, who rocks her with a kick, then hangs her up off the ropes. She hits an somersault clothesline, then a hurricanrana, then tries to roll her up; Alicia nearly reverses it for a pin, then slaps the taste out of Naomi’s mouth. Alicia’s thrown into a corner, then hoists herself up onto the top turnbuckle to avoid Naomi, who manages to kick her in the head anyway! Fox falls to the floor, then Naomi hits a split-leg moonsault for the win.

Really good match, and two arguments for getting that belt of Nikki and keeping it in the ‘women who can wrestle’ club. I’d have praised this as a title PPV match. 3 Stars.

Backstage, Naomi is walking and Jimmy Uso is right there to make sure she doesn’t run off and leave him. She seems totally okay with him beating up the Miz for daring to take an interest in her.

Is Big Brother A Rosebud In The Same Way I Am A Rosebud?”

Oh yay, R-Truth is still employed. The one thing I remember him doing which I paid attention to was being crazy, and we’re all done with that. He’s in action against Adam Rose, and the interactions with his Rosebuds indicates that he’s still ruling by fear. He beat the shit out of the Bunny on RAW, which I assume is his version of Room 101. He gets on the apron, but tells the Rosebuds all to back up.

Rose charges at R-Truth, who smacks him, but then Rose gets all aggressive, hitting and stomping. Snap suplex to Truth, then a clubbing blow to the chest and a sleeper hold. When Rose runs off the ropes, Truth catches him with a kick, then with an elbow. Truth fires up, but Rose slides out of a suplex and throws Truth shoulder-first into the post. Party Foul and Adam Rose wins.

Entirely and utterly meh; I don’t feel immodest in saying that the best thing about Adam Rose’s WWE run has been my alternating drug culture and dystopian readings into his activities. 1.5 Stars.

See, this is supposed to be that thing where a failing face finds success as a heel, but you know that almost every person backstage, probably including Divas like AJ, Paige and Natalya and even non-combatants like Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury could destroy Adam Rose if they wanted to. I mean, the Bunny’s probably going to do it when he shows up again.

As Soon As Ambrose’s Music Hits, I Called ‘Wyatt Run-In’

Here’s Rusev and Lana, fresh from whatever the Soviets have instead of Christmas: a pogrom, probably. Lana mics up and says that this is all totes bullshit, but they’re so goddamn awesome that they’re just going to win anyhow. And his opponent is Dean Ambrose, so if Rusev doesn’t triumph then we’ll never see the belt defended again.

Shrillvoice gives the BIG MATCH FEEL announcements, calling him the ‘new’ United States champion, so someone’s behind the times. Ambrose gets backed into the corner by Rusev, but he ducks a punch and starts wailing on Rusev in another corner. Rusev reverses this, beating Ambrose down once again. He chokes Dean on the ropes and then hits some kicks, but Ambrose comes back with a crossbody and then chops at the big Russian, hitting his running front dropkick twice to send Rusev through the ropes and out of the ring. Ambrose then dives the through the ropes and takes Rusev out on the outside.

Back inside, Ambrose trips Rusev up at the legs for a rollover attempt, and then gets elevated right into the ropes by Rusev, stopping the momentum. A multitude of elbows get laid down on Ambrose, and then a sleeper hold to really slow the whole thing down, with a cover getting two off a big kick to the face. Cobra Clutch locked in now, and Ambrose stamps on Rusev’s bare feet to break it, but runs into a knee to the midsection and gets hung up in the ropes as Rusev charges into him.

Back from the break, Rusev is pinching Ambrose’s nerve, or whatever, and Dean gets to his feet before getting knocked into the corner. Rusev runs into some boots, and Ambrose begins his comeback with some punches and chops; he ducks two clotheslines and tries a crossbody, but gets caught with a fallaway slam. Superkick nails the shit out of Ambrose, and he’s going for the Accolade; Dean fights back and makes it to the ropes, only to get punished more in the corner. He avoids a charge from Rusev, who strikes the corner with his skull, and he nearly gets rolled up by Dean. Punches to Rusev, then Ambrose runs him over with some strikes, and a bulldog floors him. Ambrose climbs high, only to have to leap over Rusev, get knocked off the ropes and then he slams back into Rusev with a clothesline. He climbs high again, hitting his standing elbow drop. Dirty Deeds is broken out of, and Rusev rolls out of the ring, with Ambrose in hot pursuit. He hurls the Bulgarian against the barricade, doing so again once Rusev gets him up on his shoulders. Then, from out of nowhere, Wyatt attacks, sending Dean into the barricade.

Interesting combination of talents here; Rusev and Ambrose was an intriguing match-up. Of course, with a title and a streak on the line, they couldn’t let Ambrose win, but with Ambrose in a feud they were reluctant to let him lose. Sad that it’s gotten so obvious recently. Anyway, good match. 3 Stars.

Rusev fucks off, just in case Bray becomes patriotic due to proximity, and Wyatt tries to hit Sister Abigail; Dean fights him off and they end up launching each other over the announce table before Wyatt throws Ambrose into the timekeeper’s area. Wyatt starts to clear off the table, but he takes too long and Dean beans him with a chair, showing that real men put people through a table without clearing it. Bray flees as Ambrose looks on.

Romance Isn’t Dead, But Anyone Who Looks At Jimmy Uso’s Girlfriend Is

Well, that single backstage segment made it feel like a Miz-heavy show already, but here’s the douchebag in the ring. He and Jimmy are going to be fighting each other, because it’ll be a cold day in hell before two tag team wrestlers in a singles match features on a PPV. Miz gets a waistlock, reversed into another by Jimmy, and Miz clubs him to the floor before Jimmy knocks him back down. Miz flees to the outside, then tries to attack Jimmy inside the ring, but gets pulled out and whacked off the apron. Miz is thrown off the ropes and back into a clothesline before Jimmy chops him.

Finally, Jealous Uso runs into a back elbow, but immediately Samoan Drops Miz: fuck karma. Miz tries to run but is pursued by the Samoan, who throws him back into the ring where he begs not to be hurt for just supporting a guy’s wife, for fuck’s sake. Miz says ‘I can help you,’ and at this point I think Jimmy might actually need help. Michael says ‘don’t listen to him, Jimmy!’, because as we’ve established, he’s just great with his family. Tom says nothing, because he’s too busy judging Miz, Humphrey Bogart and Jimmy Stewart for being such liars. Finally, Miz tries to do the ‘OOS!!’ part of the Uso chant, so Jimmy kicks him twice. Superfly Splash ends things, with the moral that a woman only gets to talk to her partner and the people he gives the okay on. Great lesson for your young viewers, WWE.

This storyline isn’t my favourite, but the wrestling was okay. I hope this is over now, with a decisive victory. Can we pretend the belts are important now? 2 Stars.

Ascension’s rising. Thought you should know.

Goldust and Stardust are on crack again. I mean…I assume that’s what you do when you’re on crack. I’m upper-middle class with two lawyer parents, and that’s what they tell us crack does.

This Would Have Been An Excellent Moment For Some Brock Lesnar

It’s Christmas weekend, so I’ve been on the wine pretty early, so don’t expect Shakespeare here. I mean…Shakespeare didn’t write wrestling reviews. If they did, I imagine they would go something like this: ‘Enter Seth Rollins, with Mercury and Noble. Enter Big Show. Enter Ziggler. Enter Reigns, through audience. A bell is rung. Diverse alarums. Much celebration as Ziggler and Reigns emerge triumphant. Exeunt.’ And that would be excellent.

Well, everyone gets to the ring, and Seth and Ziggler lock up to start off. Seth gets Ziggler in a headlock, is shot off the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. He runs the ropes again and eats a hip toss before Ziggler wrenches the arm and tags in Reigns. Rollins doesn’t want none of that, and tags in Big Show to give away a PPV match instead. Fucking architect, right? Reigns beats on Big Show, but runs right into a shoulder block. Reigns is worked over in the corner and now Seth gets the tag. He wrenches the arm, but gets flipped over and now it’s Roman working Rollins’ arm.

Ziggler tags in, getting in some shots. Neckbreaker to Rollins, then some elbows, but Cruiserweight Security gets involved, which allows Rollins to take control via Big Show interference. When we come back, Ziggler tries to monkey flip Seth, but Seth turns it into a catapult into the turnbuckle. Tag to Big Show, who gives the prone Ziggler a chop. Whatever The Hell That’s Called to Ziggler (I’d be so good at naming moves), then a chop to the head to keep him down. Also, if Roman Reigns has been taking acting lessons, is he less likely to tell the truth now? Tom, I’m fucking talking to you. Show chokes Ziggler with his freakishly giant foot, then sends him into the corner with a hard Irish whip. He hurls Dolph into another corner with one hand, but then runs into both boots, and Ziggler hits a massive Fameasser!

Rollins unfortunately gets the tag; Ziggler rolls out of a back suplex, dodges a stinger splash and tags in Reigns! Roman is all the fuck over Seth, knocking his ass down and then hitting a massive bodyslam. Superman Punch is wound up, and Mercury tries to grab Roman’s leg; Reigns tosses him and nearly gets rolled up, then Seth superkicks him for a near fall. Seriously, how many people use the fucking superkick now HBK’s gone? Rollins tries for a powerbomb; Roman flips him over; Rollins lands on his feet and kicks at Roman, who ducks and hits an uppercut! Samoan drop is interrupted by a chokeslam attempt! Ziggler superkicks Big Show; Roman spears Big Show! Rollins tosses both Reigns and Ziggler, and Cruiserweight Security attacks Reigns on the outside.

Seth dives out onto Reigns. JBL says that Roman should hire his own security, and if this leads to the APA vs. J and J Security, I will be in heaven. Ziggler clotheslines Mercury and Noble on the outside, distracting Rollins long enough that Reigns fucks him up with a spear to win.

I really enjoyed it. Reigns and Ziggler are probably the two most popular guys right now, so the team made sense. See how fun it is when guys work together when one of them is not John Cena? Rollins is still frigging unbelievable, as he is in every match. Really, Show was the only guy out there who didn’t look awesome, and he still did his job. 3 Stars.

Honestly, this SmackDown has been pretty damn decent. I’m aware that I’m vaguely tipsy (fuck you, it’s still the holidays and I’m a novelist), but I enjoyed this show. Edge and Christian promise to give RAW a reason to be watchable, so there’s also that. This show gets a nine.

David’s Movie Recommendation: I have this weird stance on messing with myths and legends in movies, mainly because what we know as today’s ‘Hollywood Formula’ is usually going to screw up something way more cool and awesome than whatever the movie ends up being. My one exception to the rule, despite some damn big changes, is King Arthur. Clive Owen is…honestly not at his best here, and he still kicks all of the ass. Plus, Keira Knightley’s a Celt, and Mads Mikkelsen is, like, some kind of samurai, and describe to me a world where that is not view-worthy. If you’re kinda drunk, like I sort of am, it’s a fun watch.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 6
Harrak’s Thoughts: WWE RAW 12.22.14 (Ho Ho Hogan, Dolph Ziggler, Bray Wyatt, Dean Ambrose) Tue, 23 Dec 2014 04:36:46 +0000 WWE Raw Header - 2014

#1~ Well we find out in the first 5 minutes of the show this one was going to be a throwaway. Usually it’s SmackDown that’s on Christmas Day or right before so we’re not really used to seeing a fake Santa host or a Miracle on 34th Street match. That all changed when John Cena started singing “Let It Go”.

#2~ An Adam Rose heel turn was the most newsworthy moment of the night.

#3~ Not a bad story-continuing match and return match on RAW for Roman Reigns. Sure it wasn’t anything spectacular but it displayed some of Reigns’ more popular moves and Big Show saved face by getting counted out.

#4~ Now it’s rare that I’d say anything about this match but I’m glad the El Torito was featured in the Los Matadores/Gold & Stardust match. I’ve recently been catching up on Lucha Underground and one of the best things they feature is the midget wrestlers wrestling with the normal size competitors. Most midget wrestlers are fantastic athletes and they shouldn’t be regulated to only matches against someone else the same size. Hell, a lot of their most exciting moves take place with the help of a normal-sized wrestler. Have El Torito become a legitimate member of Los Matadores and maybe they’ll actually get a little over.

#5~ Another good match between Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper & kudos to WWE for putting the Intercontinental Championship on the line as it absolutely added to the drama of the contest. I have to question Harper knocking Ziggler out before the bell though. Once again Dolph Ziggler was fighting from behind and has yet to look “strong” in this most recent push. Every week he’s aggressively beat up the entire match only to “barely” pull out the victory in the end. I’d love to see a few matches where Ziggler had the upper hand in the match for a little while at least.

#6~ Even though I knew it was coming, there was a helluva a lot more comedy in Ambrose/Wyatt than was necessary. Honestly, it would be the best thing for everyone involved if this rivalry ended as soon as possible. And then for everyone to forget this feud ever took place. Let’s be honest, a feud between Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose looks terrific on paper but ever since a hologram kicked off the rivalry, it was doomed. Now it looks like it might have ended with the crowd chanting for them to hit each other with a Christmas tree…topstory120x120-×120-2013.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250-raw-2013.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 1
Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Taping Results for 12/26/2014 Mon, 22 Dec 2014 16:10:41 +0000 * Hulk Hogan kicks off SmackDown to a big pop. He lets everyone know he’s running SmackDown for the night. Seth Rollins interrupts and says Hogan is the reason he got into the business. Rollins then says Hogan doesn’t deserve to be in the ring anymore because it’s all about Rollins. Dolph Ziggler comes out to defend Hogan. Big Show comes out and threatens to knockout Ziggler and Hogan. Roman Reigns comes out next and Hogan makes Rollins and Show vs. Reigns and Ziggler for the main event.

* Kane vs. Ryback starts slow until Rusev comes out for the distraction. Ryback knocks Rusev off the apron and avoids a chokeslam by Kane. Ryback hits Shellshocked for the win. After the match, Rusev and Kane beat down Ryback pretty bad.

* Hulk Hogan confronts Rusev and says he will be defending the United States Title later tonight.

* Naomi defeated Alicia Fox in a pretty quick match.

* R-Truth vs. Adam Rose is up next. The Bunny did not come out and Rose didn’t do his usual crowd surfing, he instead waved off the Rosebuds. Rose defeated Truth with his finisher.

* Lana and Rusev come out for a promo. Dean Ambrose vs. Rusev for the United States Title is next. Bray Wyatt ends up interfering after a great match. They fight out of the ring and Ambrose tosses Wyatt over the announce table. Ambrose gets tossed into the timekeeper’s area. Ambrose hits Wyatt with a steel chair and Bray goes into the ring. Ambrose fills the ring with steel chairs but Wyatt retreats.

* The Miz vs. Jimmy Uso is next with their partners at ringside. The Miz tries to leave after getting beat up most of the match but Jimmy brings him back to the ring. Miz tries to shake hands but Jimmy hits two superkicks and a splash for the win.

* Backstage promo from Stardust and Goldust.

* Backstage segment with Hogan talking to Reigns and Ziggler.

* Dolph Ziggler and Roman Reigns vs. Big Show and Seth Rollins was mostly back and forth until Rollins took control of Reigns and had him hurt. Ziggler finally got a hot tag after getting beat up and Reigns came back in to spear Rollins for the win. Ziggler and Reigns celebrated with fans at ringside to end the show.
topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 0
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for December 19th 2014: The Super SmackDown Drinking Game! Sun, 21 Dec 2014 00:20:12 +0000 Hey there, dear readers. As you may have remembered from, like, last week, I made the announcement that this week would mark the second occasion of that grandest of the grand events: David Spain’s SmackDown Drinking Review! The rules are simple and are written below. Obey them, and join me in this glorious endeavour! To hangovers!

  • Every sleeper hold (if it gets broken and then reapplied, it’s two sleeper holds) requires you to down a shot.
  • Every time a heel who has no business getting in any offence, let alone a string of offence, manages to keep the face down, take a drink.
  • Any time any wrestler says their own established catchphrase, take a drink.
  • If Jimmy Uso crosses the line into ‘bad husband’ territory, down a shot.
  • Every RAW flashback requires a shot.
  • When Cole or JBL make an outrageously false statement, take a drink.

Well, let’s get this Super SmackDown going, I guess. Lots of pyro and whatnot, and this whole ‘super’ bullshit is because it’s WWE Week on the USA Network. And…because it’s live, I guess? Probably.

How Was Dancing Supposed To Translate Into Wrestling?

Fandango looks like he’s halfway on the road to sexing Rosa right there in the ring, which would be an excellent use of my Sky+ subscription. But Roman Reigns is here to ensure that no such activity goes down. Roman is going to spend the next while beating the hell out of Big Show, which makes this match with Fandango sort of promiscuous. We recap Reigns-related events from Monday night, and I think that’s our first shot of the evening folks. Ah…Stolichnaya.

Bell rings, and these two lock up. You have to hand it to Fandango for being willing to take on Reigns, considering that his most intense storyline has involved him getting beaten up by Summer Rae and Layla. Fandango smacks Roman, who whacks him right back. Headlock by Fandango; he gets shot off the ropes and put in a headlock by Roman. Fandango tries a waistlock and just gets tossed to the ground by Reigns. Snapmare out of the corner by Roman, who then pancakes Fandango in the opposite corner and clotheslines him. Fandango ducks out of the ring and hangs Reigns up on the ropes, taking advantage off that with a vicious beating inside the ring: take a drink.

Sleeper hold to Reigns: do a shot. His attempts to climb out are unsuccessful and Fandango keeps the sleeper locked in. Whilst this happens, JBL claims that Big Show wanting to injure Roman Reigns is him standing up for family values: take a drink. Holy shit, it’s going to be that sort of night, isn’t it? Fandango finally gets thrown into the corner, manages to repel Roman and come off the top…into an uppercut. Reigns works his way back up to his feet, ducks a clothesline to hit one of his own. He’s all over Fandango now, hitting a big bodyslam, then the Superman Punch, and the spear finishes it.

Nice return for Roman Reigns; I was expecting a far longer time away for him, and I feel even happier that he’s back in that things haven’t totally gone to hell in his absence. Looking forward to more matches. 2.5 Stars.

We review the PPV match between Ambrose and Wyatt, including the dumbest fucking finish I have ever seen. It’s like CM Punk was a talisman which kept Vincent Russo away from the booking. Then Ambrose comes out to the ring here, without so much as a limp. This is not aided by the commentary team asking how he’s even alive after Sunday night. Ambrose says he loved every second of the TLC match, because he’s craaaaaaazy. He says that that night, Wyatt was afraid, because it was the first time he wrestled someone who didn’t care. Man, imagine how scared he’d be if he had to wrestle Ryback or Swagger. Tomorrow (which is Wednesday), they’ll be in a Boot Camp match, because wacky gimmicks are how things are settled: fuck TLC. Although if a Boot Camp match involves R Lee Ermey screaming at Bray that he bets he’s the kind of guy to fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reacharound whilst Wyatt spiderwalks, I will be all over that.

Wyatt appears onscreen and starts babbling like a fat Marlon Brando. Actually, seeing as how that’s an Apocalypse Now reference, just Marlon Brando. Well, it’s nice to see that absurdly violent and weapon-filled match between these two just meant nothing at all. Bray yells stuff that sounds amazing but, because this is wrestling, is honestly just so much meaningless gibberish.

Everyone Loves Sandow, So WWE Don’t Let Him Wrestle

Aw man, get those shot glasses ready; it’s the Usos. I really hope this whole storyline ends with Jimmy forming a tag-team with Tyson Kidd out of their inability to not be godawful partners (ironically, they would have a wonderful relationship with each other). They’re teaming up with Erick Rowan to face Miz2 and Harper which means, just so you’re keeping track, one of the Wyatts is teaming with the Usos to fight the other Wyatt. Never would have called that two months ago.

Sandow gets pops, and Harper just seems to not get Miz. Miz and Jimmy start, but Miz tags in Harper, who is apparently fed up of his bullshit already. Harper takes it to Jimmy in the corner, before punching him to the ground in the middle of the ring. Miz then tags in so he can literally kick a man whilst he’s down. Jimmy fires up a little, punching Miz down in the corner, but the A-Lister slides out to avoid the Samoan Wrecking Ball. Jimmy pursues Miz until he hides behind Harper and we go to break.

Back from the break, Jey reverses and suplex and tags in Jimmy. Jimmy clotheslines Miz out of the ring, and Sandow goes out with him. Jealous Husband Uso tries to dive out of the ring, but Harper cuts him off with a massive boot to the face; he seemed to tag in without me seeing, or the ref is massively lenient. He guillotines Jimmy on the ropes, and…okay, it’s not a sleeper hold: put the glasses down. Jimmy fights out, only to run into a dropkick. Miz comes in the ring again, to what looks like Harper’s chagrin (it’s difficult to detect chagrin through a beard). Miz hits some uninspired offence to keep Jimmy reeling, then misses a boot to the face, almost gets rolled up and clotheslines Jimmy.

Cheers for Sandow as Miz teases tagging him, and then he tags in Harper. I would have loved it if Harper had then tagged in Sandow, but he just Gator Rolls Jimmy, and now Sandow’s imitating him for larks. Harper tosses Jimmy out, and then watches Miz confront Sandow about who he’s contractually obliged to imitate, clearly so over this scene. Jimmy, meanwhile, crawls back into the ring but is caught by Harper before he can tag out. Massive sideslam to Uso, and then Harper tags in Miz for some stomps before tagging himself back in…and then Sandow tags himself in…before Miz tags himself in; he smacks Jey Uso off the apron before Jimmy takes him out and tags in Rowan!

Rowan comes in hard and fast, hurling Miz from one corner to the other. He squashes him against the turnbuckles before running right over him; full nelson slam before Sandow breaks up the pin. The Usos toss Sandow, then double-superkick both Harper and Miz before diving out onto Harper. Rowan is left in the ring with Miz, and I think this is the part where we watch Miz get eaten. The Usos tell Harper to go up to the top, and I’m convinced they still hold a grudge from their tag-title feud, but Rowan hits a splash from the top for a pin.

That was a decent match already, but the comedy added by the heels elevated it for me. Harper and Miz were some entertaining straight men to Sandow’s antics. 3 Stars.

Ohshit.jpg, Jimmy and Naomi in the same place. They act happy for a bit, but there aren’t any smiles on the inside. Jimmy apologises for apparently being a dick on MizTV; I didn’t watch it but it’s not a stretch to imagine. But…he wants to be at ringside? Man, none of that. Jimmy…actually takes that way better than I thought. Damn, no shot.

Did I just complain about not being able to take a shot?

Recap of RAW: drink, motherfuckers. I have to say, Lesnar’s beatdown of Jericho was so badass that, when having to take care of Santa at my place of work the following day, I had to suppress the urge to F5 him in front of all of the children. Also, aren’t a street fight, an extreme rules match and a no holds barred match all the exact same fucking thing?

How Does Lana Still Afford Her Outfits Now?

Seth Rollins comes out, selling his injuries hard. See, Ambrose, it’s not that goddamn difficult. We apparently still don’t know what’s going on with Rollins and Heyman, but I would be on board with him being a Heyman Guy; I can imagine it working very well. We then recap RAW again (DRINK) to watch Ryback step up to the Rusev plate. Ryback’s intensity is extremely effective from where I’m sitting, and it’s the kind of thing that will give him some distinction from Reigns and his quieter form of badassitude. Oh shit, Rusev just jumped Ryback. That dirty Commie. Rusev superkicks Ryback off the stage, and then again out of sight. Man, I bet he’s just really pissed about the Russian economy; right now the US Title is pretty much all of their currency. Also, the timing of Rusev’s attack meant that we just avoided having to take a drink due to wrestler-quoted catchphrasing.

Rollins gets on the mic and uses this issue to argue in favour of the Authority returning: fucking politician. He was robbed at TLC by Reigns, and then tries to claim that Lesnar never helped him on RAW; he really is a politician. Seth tries to give himself a day off, which still seems like a punishment seeing as how he’s planning on spending it with Mercury and Noble. Dolph arrives to save Rollins from his awful night by challenging him to a match. What a stand-up guy. Aw, Noble and Mercury look really sad about not getting to party with Rollins. Wow, everyone’s avoided their catchphrases so far.

Jimmy, You Dick

Naomi shows up, and we recap again, but it’s from Main Event, so nobody drink. I said don’t drink! Also, Jimmy was a douche in that recap, but that happened in a flashback, so nobody drink for that either. Here are the Bella Twins, and I hope there’s a lot to drink about in this match.

Naomi gets a waistlock, then a roll-up, before Nikki clotheslines her. Irish whip sends Naomi into a corner, but she hits a kick to the face for another pin attempt. Punches to Nikki now, but…the Bella hits the Alabama Slam! Unusual choice of move, but I like seeing it. Snap suplex to Naomi, and then a rebound suplex using the top rope for a two-count. Nikki’s repertoire is certainly more impressive here than it has been recently…and a sleeper hold! Shot! Naomi rolls through, but then both wrestlers collide in mid-air. Oh God, it’s Miz, because he hasn’t creeped enough this week. Naomi hits a dropkick and kip up, then a somersault clothesline for a two-count. Kick to Nikki’s head from the apron, and then Naomi hangs Nikki up on the ropes. Nikki turns things around with a knee to the face, then hits a crossbody off the second rope…and nearly gets rolled up for the pin! Nikki throws Naomi through the second ropes in a desperate bid to create separation, and Miz tries to talk Naomi back into it…and here’s Jimmy to assault the guy encouraging his wife! Shot! Naomi is distracted enough that she gets rolled up for the three!

I actually got into this match. Naomi is very talented, and I agree with the commentators’ assertions that she is the best pure athlete in her division. Nikki, however, actually brought some decent moves to this bout. I’m pretty emotionally invested in hating all things Bella, but this was honestly a fair match. 2.5 Stars.

When All You Have Is A Guy In A Bunny Costume

Adam Rose is apparently doing suicide via Kane again tonight, and a RAW recap of the last time means we take a shot! Kane and Rose circle each other, and then Adam rolls out of the ring to psyche up with his Rosebuds. He comes back into the ring, gets thrown off the ropes and kicks Kane to no effect, then tries again and gets knocked down. Rose is in the corner, but manages to hit a crossbody, and I believe that’s going to require a drink. Shit, I am just going through this Corona like nobody’s business. Rose celebrates rather than follow up on his offence, and takes a boot for his trouble. Clothesline gets the win.

I don’t know what’s going on here; must take a while to find a new hobby once your employers aren’t allowed to run the WWE again. 1.5 Stars.

Kane looks like he’s going to go, but apparently it’s rabbit season, so he tombstones the Bunny. Well, so much for whoever was inside that bunny getting a push: thank God.

Goldust and Stardust are backstage, and I think Stardust is channelling Jim Carrey’s Riddler. Also the Grinch, because he’s green and they both hate Christmas. Ho Ho Who Cares.

Renee Young is backstage with Rollins, and asks him about his motivation in this scene. Apparently Rollins has dedicated his life to making Cena’s own a long list of failures, and that’s a motto I can get behind. Until the Authority gets back, Rollins is going to make every WWE employee’s life a misery. Bah, humbug.

Black N’ Blond

Main event time, and here’s Dolph Ziggler, followed by Seth Rollins. They circle each other, but then Rollins skips out of the ring to, I guess, apologise again to Noble and Mercury for not going out on the town with them tonight. Back in the ring, Rollins controls Dolph’s arm, but Dolph reverses it, headlocks him, gets shot off the ropes and hits a shoulder tackle, sending Rollins back out of the ring. He comes back inside; headlock takeover to Ziggler, who works his way back to his feet. JBL claims he never complained about anything, and I remember that nigh-year-long title reign/complaint session, so drink. Back up a vertical base, Ziggler shoots Seth off him, avoids him twice and hits a big hip toss for one.

Rollins tries to get out of the ring, but Ziggler doesn’t let him create any space, staying on him and throwing hands. Rollisn does manage to beat Dolph down in the corner, then takes him to the mat with a clothesline. Knee drop to the face for two by Seth. He attempts a back suplex; Dolph rolls out of that, rolls Seth up and hits a dropkick. Zig-Zag is countered; Ziggler is distracted by Noble and Mercury and Rollins manages to knock him out of the ring. On the outside, Noble introduces his fist to Ziggler’s face, with the referee too distracted by Seth’s giant-ass neck to see it. We go to a break.

When we come back, Dolph has tried a dropkick but that gets countered into a catapult into the corner. Seth firmly in control with Mercury hitting a shot to a downed Ziggler. Hard Irish whip to Ziggler, sending him into the corner and crumpling to the ground. Seth stalks him, mocking him with some nonchalant kicks, and then Ziggler fires up, hitting blows and a dropkick to the injured ribs to send Rollins back…for a moment, before Seth explodes into him with a clothesline and hurls him out of the ring. Rollins waits on the apron and tries for an axe-handle, but Dolph ducks away and Seth slams into the announce table; Ziggler then throws him into the steps.

Dolph gets back into the ring before Rollins hangs him up on the ropes. He heads up to the top, but Ziggler unbalanaces him, knocking Seth back down to the mat. Stinger splash to Rollins, then a neckbreaker and an elbow for two. Perfect dropkick gets another two as J and J Security look on. Both men try to regain their feet, and Rollins hits a knee to the gut. Dolph tries a DDT; it gets reversed; Dolph ducks a kick and this time the DDT plants Rollins for two. Punches from Dolph to the prone Rollins, and once up to a vertical base both men exchange blows. Finally, Seth catches a kick and hits his leaping kick to the skull for a close two-count. Seth climbs to the top, but Ziggler catches him and hits a facebuster from the top rope for the first near-fall of the match!

Both men are down once again, slow to make it upright. Dolph tries a Fameasser; Rollins ducks and both of them jockey for position before Ziggler rolls through into a pin; Rollins kicks out and gets elevated over the top rope onto Mercury and Noble! Ziggler throws him back in the ring and hits the Fameasser for another near-fall. As Dolph attempts the Zig-Zag, Mercury distracts the referee and Noble beans Ziggler in the head…and the ref ejects them! Rollins argues with the man in the striped shirt, and takes a Zig-Zag! Ziggler wins!

Great match. Once again, Ziggler’s rise is unmistakeable right now, and a victory over Rollins underlines this emphatically. The bout itself was extremely well done. 4 Stars.

J and J try to grab Ziggler as the match ends, but he escapes them, celebrating on the ramp.

This was mostly a very good show. Storylines were advanced, matches were of a decent length. Shame about all of the filler and recaps we didn’t need, sort of nullifying the point of a longer show. But hey, it was still a good week. Nine.

So, hey, I just wanted to wish you guys all a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah or Awesome Winter Festival 0r whatever the hell else you might be doing. And, as I am unable to give you all festive cards, I hope that this will suffice instead: your brave narrator dressed up as a Christmas pudding, alongside Santa. It doesn’t get any more Christmassy than that. Have a lovely time next week, and God bless us, everyone.

 topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 10
WWE Super Smackdown Live Report 12/16/2014: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt Wed, 17 Dec 2014 00:55:24 +0000 WWE Super Smackdown LIVE
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Live on USA Network
Announcers are Michael Cole, JBL & Tom Phillips

WWE has LIVE Super Smackdown, we’ll have live segment to segment coverage so keep refreshing!

Fandango w/Rosa vs. Roman Reigns
Smackdown starts with the red lights and Fandango already in the ring. Roman enters through the crowd. Roman dominates to start. Finally after about 2 minutes, Fandango takes control and locks in a rest hold. Side headlock continues. Reigns fires back and both are down. Nice “Roman” chant breaks out. Jumping clothesline then clothesline in the corner. Bodyslam. Superman punch. Then a spear for the pin.
Winner: Reigns

Commercial Break

New spot for Smackdown moving to Thursdays, starting January 15, 2015

Dean Ambrose comes out to his music. He talks about the match at TLC. Says he has fight left in him. Challenges Bray to a bootcamp(?) match at Tribute to the Troops tomorrow night. Bray Wyatt appears on the Titantron. The only reason Dean is still breathing is that Bray is enjoying the game they are playing. He will watch it all burn down. Wyatt laughs as Dean looks on. Segment abruptly ends in that Wyatt style.

Commercial Break

Luke Harper, The Miz & Damien Mizdow vs. Erick Rowan & The Usos (Jimmy & Jey)
Harper does some damage and tags into the Miz, but the Usos take control on him. All six men are cleared to the floor and have an argument as we go to an interestinly timed

Commercial Break

Back in the ring and it’s Jimmy and Miz, with Usos in control. Clothesline sends Miz over the top and Mizdow follows. Harper comes into the ring and takes down Uso and covers for 2. Huge “We Want Mizdow” chant breaks out. Definitely louder than the Roman Reigns chants, for those looking for signs he’s not working out. Heels control in the ring. Miz taking shots at Uso. Mizdow mistakenly mimics Harper and Miz argues with him over it. Harper goes back in and covers Uso for 2. Tag to Mizdow and he gets a huge pop, but Miz stops it and tags in. Jimmy Uso with a desperation kick and both are down. Hot tag to Erick Rowan who goes to work on the Miz. Clothesline into the corner and then a full nelson slam for a pin but Mizdow breaks it up. Usos come in and match breaks down. Double superkick by Usos on Miz, then they do a double plancha onto Harper on the floor. Rowan and Miz left in the ring. Usos tell Rowan to go to the top rope and he likes it. Rowan to the top and huge frog splash on Miz for the pin.
Winner: The Usos & Rowan

Commercial Break

Backstage Naomi is preparing for her Diva’s Title match. Her husband Jimmy Uso came over and apologizes for being hot on Miz TV. He loves her and is there to support her. He volunteers to be ringside but she turns him down.

Raw Rebound – Jericho, Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar

Seth Rollins makes his entrance with his security detail.

Commercial Break

Seth Rollins w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble vs. Ryback
Ryback’s music plays and he gets a good pop. Before he leaves the stage, he is ambushed by Rusev! Ryback is taken down. Rusev tosses him off the stage! Rusev then poses with the US Title and Lana by his side.
No Match

Seth Rollins grabs a mic and cuts a promo about beating Cena in the cage last night. He has bruised ribs and was ready to compete, but now this? He goes to leave – Joey get the limo – but Dolph Ziggler’s music plays. He has a mic on the stage. Ziggler notes that The Authority is out of power because of Sting – AND him. He challenges Rollins to a match for tonight. Rollins is angry but he accepts. They argue about who will win. We’ll find out later tonight!!!

Commercial Break

Recap of earlier tonight on Main Event when The Miz got Naomi a Diva’s title shot somehow.

WWE Diva’s Title
Nikki Bella (c) vs. Naomi

Both come down before the entrance, which is a nice small touch to give the title match some gravitas. Sunset flip right away by Naomi for 2. Then a cover by Nikki for 2. Some wacky divas kicks. Both are down when The Miz comes down from the back. He slams on the mat rooting her on. “Dropkick” by Naomi. Another. Cover for 2. Cross body for 2. Miz continues to root for Naomi on the floor. Nikki tosses Naomi to the floor. Miz checks on her but Jimmy Uso comes down and fights with Miz to the back. Nikki with a small package on Naomi for the pin.
Winner: Nikki

Jimmy looks upset. Naomi leaves the ring looking angry.

Commercial Break

Adam Rose vs. Kane
The Bunny is here but he has a neckbrace on and is being tended to by female Rosebuds. Basically a SQUASH.
Winner: Kane

After the match Kane gave the bunny another tombstone. Can you believe that the tombstone piledriver – a dangerous, protected move – has suddenly become a comedy finisher again?

Commercial Break

Backstage is Gold & Stardust. Goldust does a couple of old school ticks and says he hates the holidays. Stardust is back to green and he also hates the holidays. They don’t really work as heels.

Separately but also backstage, Renee Young interviews Seth Rollins who is flanked by J&J Security. He had to make John Cena vulnerable so that’s why he worked with Heyman on Raw. And he took Jericho out because he was not a suitable substitute for the Authority.

Dolph Ziggler does his entrance.

Commercial Break

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins w/J&J Security
Long entrance for Rollins. Dolph has his arms taped up and Rollins has his ribs taped up. Bell rings and Rollins rolls to the floor immediately. Back in and he takes control and gets Ziggler in a side headlock. Nice Let’s Go Ziggler chant. Hip toss for not even 1 count by Ziggler. Match is slow to start. Rollins controls. Zigzag attempt but Rollins pushes Dolph to the floor. J&J get a cheap shot in as we head to a

Commercial Break

Dolph with a stunner on Rollins when we get back from the break. Rollins rebounds and gets a catapult on Ziggler into the corner. Cover for 2. Rollins is in control. Tosses Ziggler back to the floor. Rollins goes to follow but flies into the announce table when Dolph moves. Dolph slams Seth into the STEEEEEEEEL steps. Rollins recovers and tosses Ziggler into the ring. Goes to the top but Ziggler knocks him off the ropes. Neckbreaker. Standing jumping elbow drop. Back and forth dodged moves. DDT by Ziggler hits, cover for 2. Both men up and punching back and forth. Standing enziguri by Rollins for 2. Rollins goes up top, Ziggler runs up and does a top rope X-Factor for a 2 count. Shenanigans involving J&J finally leads to Ziggler hitting the Fame-asser for 2. Rollins is distracted by J&J and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pin! Wow!
Winner: Ziggler

Well there ya go, three hours of WWE on back to back nights, happy WWE week on USA Network everyone and goodnight!
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 7
WWE News: Live Super Smackdown Matches Announced, Main Event, Raw Next Week Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:30:53 +0000 WWE Monday Night Raw was a newsworthy show on 12/15/2014, including the return of Brock Lesnar.

As part of WWE week on USA, there is a live edition of Smackdown airing at 8PM on Tuesday. It is being dubbed SUPER Smackdown, and has two matches announced.

First, Dean Ambrose will take on Bray Wyatt in a rematch. Then Roman Reigns will return to the ring, although his opponent is not yet known.

On WWE Main Event, presumably at 7PM on WWE Network, The Miz will host Naomi on Miz TV. Plus, Erick Rowan and Kane will face off in a match.

Finally, WWE Announced that Hulk Hogan as Ho Ho Hogan would be the host of Raw next week on 12/22/2014
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 1
The Wrestling Pulsecast LIVE! – (818) 532-9786 – YEAR END AWARDS SHOW Mon, 15 Dec 2014 15:17:51 +0000 Wrestling Pulsecast 2015 - 500x250



The Wrestling Pulsecast hosts its own Year End Awards Show! HTC Wrestling’s Matt Harrak, Justin Czerwonka, Heather Miller & special guest Andrew Goldstein will discuss pro-wrestling in the year 2014 while naming the Superstar of the Year, Best Feud of the Year and Who Will Have The Biggest 2015. PLUS prizes will be given away to LIVE CALLERS who give their own year end awards! Call (818) 532-9786 tonight at 6 PM to join the show or email throughout the day!


Superstar of the Year

Diva of the Year

Match of the Year

Tag Team of the Year

Best Feud of the Year

Worst Feud of the Year

Biggest Surprise of the Year

Worst Push of the Year

Worst T-Shirt of the Year

Who Will Have The Biggest 2015?



pulsecast-swagtopstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 0
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for December 13th 2014: Tables Ladders Chairs And…(Sigh)…STAIRS Sun, 14 Dec 2014 00:14:27 +0000 Hello there, folks. We are fast approaching TLC(S), the final PPV of 2014 and right before things start building towards WrestleMania. This is technically the go-home show, but this is also SmackDown, so let’s not expect any miracles, I guess. An announcement: next Friday will fall on a week of me having several days of drinking (run up to Christmas, am I right?), so I figure I’ll add one more: next week will be the second ever SmackDown Report Drinking Game. My current plan is to publish the rules either on the site or the Facebook page in advance, and y’all can get schwasted with me.

Well, the first thing we see is every participant from TLC more or less re-doing the build towards Survivor Series again. I’m sort of happy that Cena’s in a Tables Match, because there’s at least a chance he could lose, and even clean, but part of me just refuses to believe that the WWE is going to resist slapping us in the face with Cena vs. Lesnar IV: We Make Stupid Fucking Decisions.

Oh, speak of the devil and he shall appear. Here’s John Cena on SmackDown. I should probably feel grateful, but I think I still hate the sight (nauseatingly bright colours) and sound (nauseatingly awful jokes) of him, so I’ll pass on the gratitude. Cena grabs the mic and…holy shit, Seth Rollins cuts him off before he can even get a sentence out. I think this is that ‘gratitude’ thing I was talking about. Rollins asks Cena to shut up, raging against ten years of programming revolving around Cena. Wow, the fake crowd noise is just of an awful quality tonight. Rollins proclaims that the future doesn’t exist without him, which could totally set up a sci-fi movie where someone had to go back in time to prevent his assassination and save the universe in the process.

Seth says that Cena’s time is up, and that Rollins’ time is now. I really wish I could believe that, and then it’s undermined by Rollins himself commenting on how he doesn’t have to pin Cena or make him submit, because even he knows he could never do that at a pay-per-view. Cena says that Rollins has become a man; he’s out there by himself and believing that he has a chance, which is what John wants. Cena says that Rollins isn’t ready, and Vince McMahon said that on a podcast, so it must be true. Or he’s a crackpot, out-of-touch, egocentric maniac who should be kept away from any creative decisions with tasers and stun grenades. Cena rubs his ridiculous protectedness in Rollins’ face, and he’s GOING TO BE HERE FOREVER. Seth gets pissed off, saying that he’s the embodiment of the future, and that Cena’s been living in the future since he got here, and that Rollins’ entire career has been leading up to this match. When he wins, it will be the beginning of the end for John Cena; this is a paradigm shift. The crowd chants for Cena, and Rollins rages that he’s sick of it. Cena is going to fade into the background, becoming a memory, and Rollins is going to rise.

Cena tells Rollins that he’s good, but to listen to him: the WWE is John Cena’s life, and that he’s beaten everyone who’s tried to replace him, because of fashion, heart, focus, a lack of faith by the WWE in anyone who isn’t him or a part-timer.

Those were some good promos; the story seems to focus more on the young vs. old deal rather than morality, and that’s always an angle I can become invested in.

Does Sandow Have Any Moral Quandaries About Stunt-Stalking A Victim?

Cesaro and Kidd are in the ring, with Miz and Sandmiz on commentary. We see a clip of Cesaro and Kidd bitching about Mr McMahon showing his poor opinion of almost all of his employees, and I’d like to say that Vince should have focused on how awful a boyfriend Tyson Kidd is, but I remember the Attitude Era and I feel like Vince doesn’t get to have an opinion on relationships. Team Nothing Better To Do will be facing the Usos, and I can sort of guess the winner, because one of those teams has a feud with the champs and a name I didn’t just pull out of my ass. We repeat Jimmy’s megaton punch to Miz’s jaw, which I rewind and re-watch a few times for personal reasons, and then the bell rings.

Miz immediately starts defending his rapey overtures towards Naomi, and if I was Jimmy I’d have at least thought coming to a secret arrangement with my significant other which would basically be us taking full advantage of Miz’s movie star influence whilst leading him on for a year or so, then slapping him with the threat of a sexual harassment lawsuit when his general Mizness started to wear on us. See, you’re all thinking ‘David Spain is a despicable human being’, but remember: we’d be doing this to the Miz. Also, you just read ‘we’d’ in that last sentence and automatically considered yourselves party to this scam, just because the victim would be the Miz: you’re all monsters.

Anyway, Tyson and Jimmy lock up; Kidd slaps on a headlock, gets shot off the ropes, slides underneath Jimmy’s legs and gets knocked down with a shoulder block. Jimmy blocks a hip toss; Tyson backflips and takes a headbutt. Jimmy Uso in control as we look to see Naomi backstage; apparently she watches matches in her ring gear. Jimmy hits an uppercut to Kidd and tags in Jey, who comes off the top to strike the arm.

Tyson bulls Jey into his corner, tagging in Cesaro. Chops to Jey, who chops right back, hauling Cesaro into his own corner and tagging in Jimmy. Jimmy splashes Cesaro in the corner, but the Swiss Superman turns things around with a bodyslam; can we stop cutting to the Miz during a match with four excellent competitors? Jimmy dropkicks Cesaro out of the ring and then launches himself right out onto him. Back in the ring, Cesaro tags in Kidd and pulls Jimmy out to the floor; Tyson beans Jimmy in the head with a kick. Miz gets a phone call from his agent, who’s probably telling him to stop acting all Kurt Angle with Naomi. This does, however, cause Miz to leave, so maybe his agent just told him to go and assault her instead. What the hell, it’s Hollywood.

Back from the break, Jimmy is trying to fight off Cesaro, but eats a big belly-to-belly suplex. Miz probably has Naomi tied to a crucifix right now, with Paul Bearer reading their wedding vows. Kidd comes in, stomping Jimmy and putting on a headlock. Uso tries to break out, but Kidd kicks him in the stomach. Tyson tries his vaulting leg-drop on the apron, but it’s dodged. Desperate times for Jimmy as he tries to tag in his twin, but Cesaro outpaces him, nailing Jey with a boot to send him to the floor. Jimmy backdrops Cesaro, but Jey’s nowhere close, and Jimmy turns around into a running uppercut. Cesaro Swing time, with a tag to Kidd, who finishes the Swing with a leg drop; Jey breaks up the pin and gets tosses by Kidd. Tyson hits his vault-leg drop to Jimmy, who then take a stomp from Cesaro: lot of double-team moves going on here.

Cesaro charges at Jimmy, who dodges, and the Swiss native blasts the post with his shoulder. Dragon whip to Cesaro, and Jimmy tags in Jey. Jey comes in all-ablaze, hitting everything Swiss or emotionally abusive, and nails the former with a Samoan Drop. Samoan Wrecking Ball follows it up, with Kidd breaking up the pin; he tosses Jimmy out, tries to follow him and gets kicked in the face. Cesaro nearly rolls up Jey with his feet on the ropes; Jimmy pushes them off, distracting Cesaro long enough to get his face kicked in by Jey, then a Samoan Splash by Jimmy finishes the job for an Uso victory. Man, doesn’t Miz know he’s supposed to get his surprise-sex attempt in before the match is over?

Good match, once we got the Miz out of the way of the cameras. I don’t even care if Sandow’s out there with him; I wanted to watch the wrestling. Save the bullshit camera angles for anything involving midgets or…or…other midgets. 2.5 Stars.

Oh, speak of the walking lawsuit risk, and he shall appear. Miz and Sandow appear behind Naomi, and try to sweet-talk her. Naomi seems to think that this is about messing with Jimmy, which is a really naïve view for her to have. Miz continues to try to convince her, despite the fact he really doesn’t seem to know anything about the music industry, being just an awful actor. He then leaves without any kind of issue. Man, where was this kind of flirting when Sharmell was employed?

Aw man, Naomi and Jimmy Uso are having some drama backstage. Naomi calls herself a ‘strong woman’, even though she’s never even held the Divas Title, before leaving. Then the Usos have drama of their own. If this turns into a contest for Jimmy’s love, I’ll bet he’s going to pick the one he gets to have sex with, which is going to be an awkward conversation to have with his twin brother.

Oh, Now The Cameras Pay Attention To The Match?

Oh joy, it’s the Bellas. Well, at least it’s a match instead of anything involving a microphone, because I think Nikki Bella and John Cena promos on the same show are what aneurisms are made of. Also, love how the rewind shows that AJ, Paige, Nikki and Bella are able to stand beside each other with no kind of tension for an awards show. Maybe AJ being kissed by two of them, plus the husband and boyfriend of two of them, makes a difference.

Wow, AJ sort of gets around, doesn’t she?

AJ herself is on commentary; how long until all the Slammy winners stop carrying their trophies around? Also, I demand to see at least one photograph of Lesnar holding his (picture not valid if he is inserting or is about to insert it into a person’s body as a crude alternative to a safety deposit box). Nikki Bella will be facing Alicia Fox; let’s see if she remembers that she’s crazy this week.

The ladies lock up, with Nikki applying a headlock; Alicia shoots her off the ropes into a dropkick, then hits an armdrag. JBL and Michael start getting into tiff about the Fabulous Moolah, and that is probably preferable to calling a Bella match. Nikki hits a monkey flip, but Alicia lands on her feet in the corner; she leaps up onto the turnbuckle to avoid Nikki’s charge, but the champ slams a fist across her jaw, knocking her right out of the ring.

Referee starts the count, and remember how they were rebelling last week? Yeah, where did we get with that? Suplex from Nikki and JBL says ‘Regina George’, meaning he’s watched Mean Girls. Nikki wrenches Alicia’s arms back, but the occasionally-crazy-but-not-tonight girl fights back, only to get slammed back-first onto the mat. Another slam to Fox, and Nikki’s got the match well in hand, wrenching the arms again. Alicia manages to throw Nikki off her as Michael, JBL and AJ start bullying Tom. God, you have to feel sorry for the guy at some stage. Alicia drops Nikki with a backbreaker, then slams her head off the turnbuckle. Perfect Northern Lights suplex from Fox, who then gets a knee to the face, courtesy of the Girl Who Can’t Do Facial Expressions. Alicia dodges a charge, then misses a kick, and then eats a forearm. Rack Attack kills it.

Seriously, the best part about the match was the commentary. And I don’t mean just AJ: it was all actually pretty funny. I love it when they forget about morality and ethics and just insult each other and try not to laugh too loud. The match was fine; I tend to phase out during most stuff involving the Bellas. You understand. 2 Stars.

Nikki then decides to punish Alicia again with the Rack Attack. If I remember, like, two months ago correctly, AJ was in mini-feud with Fox, and so really shouldn’t give too much of a fuck.

We relive the Slammy Awards, because we all care so much about what the WWE says that we think, I guess?

Goldust Just Assumes It’s The Nation Of Domination Again

It’s a New Day again, and I swear Big E isn’t able to look happy without also looking horny or high. For all I know, he might be; whatever rocks your cock, dude. And he’s facing Goldust in a PPV preview for this Sunday. Stardust has stolen JBL’s hat and refuses to give it back, and if he’d done that before the bell rang this would already be a five star match.

Unfortunately, the bell rings then, and Goldust immediately begins hammering Big E into a corner; Big E tries to rush him, but eats a powerslam. DDT to Big E in a surprisingly aggressive start by the Bizarre One. Langston throws him off, then laces him with clotheslines and hits a belly-to-belly. He runs the ropes, but gets caught immediately by a powerslam. Big E reverses a Final Cut attempt from Goldust and tries the Big Ending, but Goldust slithers out to the apron, and then blocks Langston’s spear attempt with a knee. Goldust charges again, but this sends him right into a huge clothesline, followed up by the Big Ending for the three.

Decent, if quick. I’m adding half a star for hat shenanigans, because this is my article and not some kind of democracy. Weird to see an aggressive Goldust, especially against a powerhouse like Big E, but then I do like my expectations being subverted. 2.5 Stars.

Good God, we are flashing back to RAW like it featured the Second Coming. On that topic, some poor sweet Methodist lass tried to save me on a bus ride this Wednesday just gone; it’s a damn good thing my poker face is as good as it is, because when she came out with the line ‘and that’s why there’s no such thing as evolution’, my thoughts were so loud that I think the guy in front of me developed brief schizophrenia. And if you’re reading this article, Strangely Deep-Voiced Methodist Girl, when someone tells you that they’re a Roman Catholic, they might consider it slightly rude for you to hand them a pamphlet entitled ‘Are Roman Catholics Actually Christian?’ And they might rant about it a little and make fun of your vaguely mannish voice on their weekly wrestling review.

Because Titus O’Neil Is The Obvious Tune-Up To Rusev

Well, as karmic retribution for that little speech (do Roman Catholics believe in karma? I want to say we do), Titus O’Neil’s in the ring. Fine, I’ll go to confession. He’s wrestling Swagger, who’s still emotionally in pieces about Zeb being physically in pieces. Jack and Titus tussle for a moment, then Titus shoves Swagger, causing the All-American Real American to pummel him, finally knocking him out of the ring. Swagger stands in a precarious spot on the apron to kick Titus, and then pays for it as he gets hurled into the steel post. Back in the ring, O’Neil is in control, hitting a standing fallaway slam; doing that too much is going to destroy his lower back. O’Neil hits a boot to Swagger, and then tries for a side slam, only for Swagger to latch onto the ankle out of nowhere. That’s a nice reversal from Swangle, and the Patriot Lock causes the tap.

Another quick match, but I like that Swagger’s aggressiveness led to his mistake. He looks good, though I doubt Rusev’s first loss is going to be at his hands. 2 Stars.

Even as Swagger celebrates, Rusev and Lana manage to SUMMON THE FLAG whilst not being in or even near the ring. They come out on the stage to revel in their trolling, and Rusev raises the belt as if to say ‘look at this belt’.

Backstage, it looks like Dean Ambrose has either found or stolen a bunch of ladders and is standing underneath them. Is it, like, just one helping of bad luck or more and more for each undefined unit of time he stays under them for? He trashes Wyatt’s image of epic combat between the two, comparing it two dogs fighting each other. I’ve actually seen a dog fight, in Argentina; it gets boring kinda fast. And then you start gambling, and then you nearly starve and then you get guns pointed at you by smugglers and then you pay for a hotel entirely in breakfast cereal. Basically, Wyatt and Ambrose are going to fight, and I should never go abroad again.

Oh Man, Poor Harper…

It’s main event time, and it’s sort of sad to hear the commentary team try to sound enthusiastic about a stairs match. The competitors make their way to the ring and form up. Looks like Kane and Ziggler are going to start, and the Big Red Machine gets shot off the ropes, hitting a shoulder block to Dolph. They do it again, and this time Ziggler hits a dropkick and slams some fists into Kane. Tag to Rowan, who hits a big bodyslam, sending all the heels to the outside in a bitchy huff as we go to break.

When we come back, Rowan is pummelling Big Show; both men spill out to the outside and Redbeard misses a charge at Show to basically run right into the steel post. Genius, remember? In the ring, Big Show stands on Rowan for a bit, then tags in Kane to throw some big hands. Kane then tags in Harper, who applies a sleeper hold. Rowan does manage to break out, but Harper runs right over him, keeping the momentum in his team’s hands. Kane comes in and, yep, fucks it all up by running into a double clothesline.

Rowan manages to tag in Ziggler, who punishes Kane for being such a useless member of any team, organisation or Brotherhood of Destruction. Neckbreaker, just to make sure the lesson is learned, but a Fameasser is caught by Kane, who looks for a powerbomb, and then Ziggler hits a facebuster instead. A distraction from Harper allows Kane to regain control with a big boot for two as we go to another break.

As we return, Ziggler gets guillotined off the second rope by Harper, who tags in Kane. Chants for Ryback as Kane tries to suplex Ziggler, who slips out. Dolph takes Kane out with a dropkick to the knees, and then crawls across the ring to make the tag. Big Show, the new legal man, gets there first, dropping an elbow to Ziggler to stop him in his tracks. Remember when he just wanted to take care of his family? Me neither. Big Show charges at Dolph, but Ziggler hits a dropkick to the knees, sending the Giant flying across the ring. Both men down, centre of the ring (always wanted to say that).

Big Show tries to drag Ziggler back, then catches him for a chokeslam, but Dolph turns it into a sleeper hold! Big Show teases fading, only to hurl Dolph off him and hit the chokeslam…and Dolph kicks out! Can you say future world champ…again? Show winds up the fist, but Dolph ducks and hits the Zig-Zag on Big Show! Ryback starts a chant for himself, which is really selfish, and then gets the tag. Ryback starts destroying Harper, the legal man, who eats a spinebuster hard on the canvas. Kane breaks up the pin, and gets booted in the face by Rowan, who then gets taken out by a tackle courtesy of Big Show. Harper tries for a powerbomb in the ring, but takes a Meathook and then Shellshock: Ryback scores the win for his team.

Ryback may have got the win, but Ziggler was a star in this match. I refuse to believe this isn’t the definitive push, barring acts of supreme stupidity or injury. This match was just very good; a very nice advert for the PPV. 3 Stars.

Kane tries desperately to get the DQ, hitting Ryback with a chair, but is unfortunately too late, so it’s just a post-match beating. Rowan throws Big Show into the stairs on the outside, and Ziggler superkicks Kane to the ground. Ryback nails Kane with the chair as Rowan pushes the ladder into the ring. They run the ladder into Harper and Kane, knocking them out of the ring, and then Ziggler leaps off the ladder to take out all three heels! All speed ahead to the PPV!

Good show, from a go-home perspective. Matches all made sense and were mostly decent advertisements for this Sunday. I’m personally looking forward to it, but then it is quite a unique spectacle in this era. Who knows what we’re in for? Tonight gets an eight.

David’s Movie Recommendation: Ever seen Antichrist? Don’t watch Antichrist. Except watch Antichrist, but know that you’ll wish you hadn’t watched Antichrist. I feel like I can’t be more clear without ruining the shock value of this film, but…goddamn, if it is not the creepiest movie I have ever seen. Think the atmosphere of The Shining, but even more terrifying. I may be about to watch Antichrist again, and then start Facebook chatting Kue and BD because I don’t want to go to sleep tonight; get ready, boys.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 2
WWE Friday Night Smackdown Features The Ascension Debut Vignette Video Sat, 13 Dec 2014 17:08:12 +0000 ascensionwwe

After a lengthy stint on NXT, the Ascension have been called up to the main WWE roster. They debuted with a vignette on Smackdown this week. Here is the video:

What do you think of their chances in the WWE tag division?
topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 5
WWE Friday Night Smackdown 12/12/2014 Preview [Non-Spoiler] Fri, 12 Dec 2014 08:26:33 +0000 WWE had Smackdown, which is the final show before the TLCS 2014 PPV on Sunday. We also have the full spoilers if you’d like.

The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro

Alicia Fox vs. Nikki Bella

Jack Swagger vs. Titus O’Neil

Big E vs. Goldust

Ryback, Dolph Ziggler and Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper, Big Show and Kane
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 0
Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Taping Results for 12/12/2014 Plus Tribute to the Troops (Spoilers) Wed, 10 Dec 2014 05:47:16 +0000 There was a double taping tonight in Columbus, GA

They first taped Tribute To The Troops, which airs on 12/17 on USA and 12/27 on NBC:

Usos b Goldust & Stardust

John Cena & Hulk Hogan did a promo together thanking the troops. They worked with Miz and Mizdow as the heels.

Naomi & Emma & Natalya b Bella Twins & Paige in a Santa’s Helpers match

Jack Swagger did an interview. Rusev and Lana came out to confront him.

Dean Ambrose b Bray Wyatt in a Boot Camp match. Lots of weapons were used.

Cena & Dolph Ziggler & Erick Rowan & Ryback b Big Show & Luke Harper & Seth Rollins & Kane. The show ended with Hogan and the faces celebrating and waving the flag.

The show ended with a Florida Georgia Line performance.

Smackdown for Friday night

Usos b Tyson Kidd & Cesaro

They aired a vignette for The Ascension, so they really are coming.

Nikki Bella b Alicia Fox

Jack Swagger b Titus O’Neal

Big E b Goldust

John Cena came out for an interview. Seth Rollins interrupted as they pushed theri tables match.

Ryback & Dolph Ziggler & Erick Rowan b Luke Harper & Big Show & Kane when Ryback pinned Harper after the Shell shock. There was a big brawl involving tables, ladders and chairs.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250

]]> 0
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for December 5th 2014: You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Stripey Shirts Fri, 05 Dec 2014 23:39:06 +0000 What up, readers? After five years in academia, I graduated with my Masters degree in creative writing on Wednesday, which means that this will be the first SmackDown Report written by David Spain, M.A. Actually, this is one of two Masters degrees I have, so I’m technically David Spain, M.A.2 (or, if you like, David Spain, M.A.M.A, which just sounds godawfully Freudian). So, let us all hope that, in line with my academically-proven ability to write shit, that this show will be both high-brow and imbued with the sense of wonder and class that Dante Alighieri himself would weep to review.

Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s Santino Marella. And he’s the General Manager tonight? Go to hell, universe; go right to hell.

We recap RAW this past week, which I didn’t see, but I did read some rather wonderful reviews about it. Seems like WWE might actually have a back door out of a fourth Brock vs. Cena match, and that is the greatest Christmas present anyone could ever have given me. Michael Cole teases Tom for seemingly little-to-no reason, in line with his on-air persona as a bit of a dickhead.

Harper’s Just Giving Ziggler A Helping Hand

Dolph Ziggler shows up, and do you think he’s more surprised that this whole thing still appears to be going his way than we are? It’s another IC Title match against the champ, Harper, who shows up: the eyes on the titantron are creepy in an extremely surreal way. Last week, Ziggler won via count-out and then managed to reverse the post-match beating: that’s about as well as you can do without winning the title. Nasally Announcer does the BIG MATCH FEEL ring announcement, and let’s get this thing underway.

Harper drives Ziggler into the corner and hits some strikes, following it up by slamming his head against the turnbuckle. Ziggler twists away and hits some fists, but Harper powers right back into control, coming off the ropes to hit a shoulder block. He runs the ropes, catches a leap-frogging Ziggler, kicks out of a roll-up and dodges a dropkick. Stomp to the face of a downed Ziggler as we’re reminded that next week is the Slammy Awards: urgh in general to that sentiment. Dolph fights out of a suplex, hitting a neckbreaker and staying right on Harper. Luke Harper throws off a DDT attempt, knocking Ziggler right back down to the mat. It’s the champ’s ballgame right now, and a year ago, would we have thought that Harper holding a singles belt before Bray was likely? Harper is hung up on the ropes, but comes right back with a big boot, sending Ziggler off the apron to the floor.

Back from a commercial break, Harper has Dolph in a sleeper, but Ziggler manages to break the hold with a jawbreaker, and then dodges a charging Harper, sending the mountain man into the steel post, shoulder-first. Both men reach their feet, and Ziggler hits a standing dropkick, then a stinger splash into the corner; he ducks a boot and hits the DDT for two! The champ ducks away from the Fameasser, catches a superkick and hits one of his own for another near-fall! Harper measures Ziggler, charges and hits a big elbow in the corner. Dolph, however, manages to hit a Fameasser out of nowhere for two, then climbs up top, levelling Harper with a crossbody.

Both men down, and once up, Harper tries for a powerbomb; Ziggler rolls through for a cover and then hits a superkick for another two! Harper strikes with a kick as Ziggler raises him up, and apparently that connected to the little Ziggles for the DQ. Damn, Ziggler sells a low-blow like nobody else.

With Harper and Ziggler involved, you know this was going to be a great match. Their PPV bout could well be match of the night, and either man is a good choice to carry the championship. Everything works for me with this programme. 3 Stars.

Harper heads out of the ring and pulls out a ladder. Oh God, Ziggler and Swagger flashbacks; Ziggler and Swagger flashbacks! Harper sets the ladder down in the ring, then makes as if he’s about to powerbomb Ziggler on the ladder, but Ziggler reverses the attempt to, you know, sever his spine with a facebuster onto the ladder to stand tall once again. And apparently fuck the moral high ground, because he then tosses the ladder right out to smack Harper in the face again.

Oh hell, Santino comes out again. God, remember when he was the Milan Miracle? No? Oh, well…good, I guess. He then makes a ladder match for the title at the PPV. If these matches are decided by whatever the wrestlers pick up first, imagine if the ring crew just stocked dildos under there one week.


After a look at tag team turmoil from this Monday, we’re back with Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show and J and J Security in the ring. Rollins says he hates Christmas, because we don’t have enough reasons to boo him, but he does like TLC. Although we also have a ‘Stairs Match’, whatever the fuck that is and for whatever reason. Seth’s meeting Cena in a Tables Match, and remember Sheamus winning the WWE Championship? No? Oh, well…good, I guess. Seth’s excited by taking things away from Cena, which along with the spandex confirms a lot of fanfictions as ‘creepily accurate’.

Rollins keeps clinging to the image of ‘demolition derby’, which doesn’t translate well to a British audience, as we don’t have those things (I also had to get Widro to explain just what in the hell “Thanksgiving” was earlier this week). Seth throws out the phrase ‘splinters in his butt’, and I’m not rewinding to hear any form of context, because at this stage it’s easier to assume that he’s some sort of colossal pervert. He hands the microphone to Big Show, before Rollins just talking violates the new UK pornography laws (apparently our government doesn’t believe in female ejaculation, which is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard). Big Show says this is his first Steel Stairs match, because it took until 2014 for someone with so stupid a suggestion inside of them to rise to a position of creative authority. Show then flails about with the stairs on the outside, demonstrating how godawful the match is going to be ahead of time. He says that playing classical guitar won’t prepare Erick Rowan for this match, and I honestly didn’t think that it would.

Kane then gets in on this, talking about Ryback in his strange, politician-y way. He’ll feed Ryback more…chairs! Santino then interrupts, and this show is so Marella-heavy I might just start drinking in some kind of mental escape attempt. He makes a match tonight for Rowan and Ryback vs. Show and Rollins. All I want really is for Santino to mistake Rusev for Koslov. Seriously, that is all I want from him.

We see Miz creepily hitting on Naomi (the “creepily” is not because of how he did it, but because he’s the Miz) backstage and then Jimmy Uso punching him right in the face: surprisingly hardcore-looking. Please tell me that this is going to end in Miz saying he wants to have that kind of bestiality sex with Naomi, because if so, then I’ll watch the hell out of this feud. Apparently Jey will be wrestling the Miz in Jimmy’s place, so way to be the Brie of that twinship, Jim.


Well, here’s Cesaro and Kidd in the ring; I guess I’m not complaining about that. And here’s the New Day, fresh off their victory over TBU last week. I also appreciate that other people apparently don’t know what Woods is supposed to bring to the team either. On RAW, the New Day took their first defeat, which damn sure didn’t take too long. It looks like they’ll be up against the Dust Brothers pretty soon, which is a clash of ideologies if I’ve ever heard of one. Woods and Kofi are up, and Xavier gets his arm wrenched by Cesaro, before reversing it and tagging Kingston in. Kofi tags Woods back in, and he clotheslines Cesaro.

The Swiss Superman manages to regain the momentum, tagging Kidd in. Woods’ PhD head gets rocked off the turnbuckle before Cesaro comes back in. Sleeper hold to Xavier, who gets thrown into the heel corner, dodges both men and tags in Kofi. Kingston is all ablaze, taking Kidd down left and right before hitting the Boom Drop. Kidd ducks Trouble in Paradise, takes the SOS and Cesaro breaks up the pin. Woods kicks Cesaro in the head; Kofi throws him out and rolls out of a back suplex. Xavier gets the tag; Kofi backbreakers Kidd and Woods finishes him off with a sick-looking stomp to the head.

I’m actually kind of glad the New Day don’t have an undefeated streak to protect; they can get right in and focus on the group. This match was pretty decent, even though I’d rather see Cesaro and Kidd get pushed (although not as a tag team: no no no). 2.5 Stars.

The Dust Brothers show up onscreen, and Bray’s definitely been hooking them up again. They say that darkness will fall on the New Day. Xavier gets surprisingly pissy at the babbling of two crackheads and gets all gospel preacher, followed by Kofi and Big E doing the same thing. Okay, Langston is either pretending to be a Superman villain or is horrendously aroused, but it’s entertaining so keep it coming.

Backstage, Naomi has received a bunch of fake-looking roses from Jimmy…oh snap; it was the Miz! And Jimmy throws them on the ground! On the bright side, we didn’t see that sitcom cliché where the guy goes ‘oh yeah, the flowers; I totally got them for you…'; on the darker side of things, Miz’s Angle-esque rape attempt is right around the corner, and even Sandow providing stunt-double/sign language for the deaf back-up to that scene will not make it in any way acceptable.

JBL defends the future-rapist before we have a look back at Zeb Coulter having been assaulted backstage and Jack Swagger thinking this is a good reason to repeat his programme from SummerSlam. Although I’d rather Swagger gave Rusev his first pinfall loss rather than Cena.

Shit’s All About That Rocking Chair Now

Ambrose shows up to the ring and takes the mic. He tells us he really enjoyed beating up that rocking chair; he says it gave him sick pleasure, and I’m not sure breaking a piece of furniture is the kind of edgy flavour the WWE should be looking into. I mean…Bray can probably buy another chair. Blah blah, destroy, blah, just get to the TLC match. Rusev and Lana shows up, and I can’t not love these guys ever since I saw this picture. Lana says that Rusev ain’t doing shit tonight and shows us a video: it’s Jack Swagger clutching Coulter as Zeb cries ‘don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!’ Um…ew? Oh, and Swagger beating up Rusev, which is less creepy. Lana says you’re all a country of opportunists and cowards and trigger-happy cops. Rusev goes off on one, and yet still sounds less weird than Big E Langston. Ambrose says he stopped listening a while back, and tells Lana to stop flirting with him; he’s not into that kind of bestiality sex. He’s going to fight Rusev, but Wyatt jumps him, demanding justice for his rocking chair.

Wyatt heads under the ring for a chair; Ambrose leaps on him, but Bray overpowers him and then goes to town on the furniture-destroying bastard with the steel. He ends it by slamming the chair off the stairs into Ambrose’s throat; he’d better not pull any of that stairs shit at the PPV, or Big Show and Rowan will be pretty pissed off. Some guys dressed as medics (what, you afraid of the truth?) get Ambrose on a stretcher as some referees back Wyatt away, yelling at him. Badass, ring officials, badass.

Honestly, What Is Maryse Thinking Right Now?

Miz and Sandmiz enter the ring, and Miz wants to know what the matter is with Jimmy. Is it insecurity? Jealousy? The ever-looming threat of non-consensual Miztercourse? He references Kim Kardashian’s naked and creepily-shiny photoshoot, which seems rather not family-friendly, and then suggests that his friend might be able to take nude photos of Naomi as well, and this is like every single one of those creepy Omegle conversations you hear about.

The Usos come down to the ring, and Jimmy sort of looks like he wants to peel Miz’s skin off with his teeth. But this is Jey’s fight for whatever reason; that makes Jimmy the little sister of this sibling team. Jimmy keeps trying to get into the ring, like Don Corleone just told him to ‘act like a man’. The ref boots him out, also like a man, and Miz and Jey get to it.

Miz hits a hip toss, and then a boot to the face and sleeper. Jey reverses into a sleeper of his own, gets shot into the corner, leapfrogs over Miz and hits a Samoan toss of his own. Michael is lampooning Miz, and do you remember when he thought of Miz like the son he never had? No? Oh, well…good, I guess. Miz avoids the Samoan Wrecking Ball, rolling onto the apron, but gets brought inside the hard way. And Sandmiz brings himself in the hard way, distracting Jey so Miz can hit the Skull-Crushing Finale for the win!

Okay, you know what? I often get pissy about distraction-wins, because it makes the wrestlers look seriously frickin’ dumb. But I don’t think any one of us would not be distracted by Sandmiz doing something like that, so I liked it. The passion that Jimmy put into the start of the match made it seem a little different than your average one-member-from-each-team match, which is another point in its favour. 2.5 Stars.

Oh Paige, Do I Miss You

Aw man, Naomi has to go out and wrestle after…oh, wait, it wasn’t her husband who lost just now. And she’s wrestling Brie Bella, and now that the Bellas have the title (no, it doesn’t matter which one) this company acts like it’s important? Bell rings, and Brie wrenches Naomi’s arm. Naomi gets shot off the ropes and takes Brie down, only to eat a dropkick from the second rope; the cameramen have decided that the match is less important than videoing the girls who aren’t wrestling, so bear with me.

Loving Naomi’s funky socks, I must say, and she eats at knee to the stomach, then the face. Chinlock gets fought out of by Naomi, but she takes a clothesline and gets put in another chinlock. Can’t decide whether AJ (on commentary) is crazy or is acting crazy, and I’ve just realised that all of these women are in a relationship or are married to their co-workers: office romance happens even if you don’t actually work in an office. Naomi takes Brie down a bunch of times, kips up and Brie escapes out of the ring to be with her sister, so Naomi baseball slides both of them. She heads up top; Nikki tries to distract her; AJ takes her out; Brie gets rolled up by Naomi and that’s three!

Well, the part of the match I actually saw was okay. Naomi’s a decent wrestler; I remember a time when I thought she might take the belt from AJ. The Bella Twins’ acting, facial expressions and general talking is pretty much the worst thing ever, and I’d really be happier if they could keep that stuff on Total Divas, which I do not review. 1.5 Stars for unhelpful camera angles and Brie’s inability to pout.

Santino’s backstage, and after the Bellas, I’ll take it. He seems to be getting to grips with the terrible burden that is politics, but then we pull out and he’s talking to the Bunny. Rabbits only have one thing on their minds, Santino (grass). Santino’s speech is actually pretty Airplane!-esque, so I’ll repeat this snippet: ‘your enemies, they become friends. Your friends? They become strangers. The people in catering? They become your third cousins twice removed.’ I giggled a little. He tells the Bunny to be careful what he wishes for, and not to touch his face. Okay…that was actually fine.

Seth Rollins is backstage, and he and Kane are trying to ensure that Big Show’s a team player. Big Show says that the three of them are really selfish, so team playing isn’t going to work, but all they need to care about is crushing Ryback and Rowan. Fairly pragmatic, big man.


Ryback, Rowan, Rollins and Big Show make their way to the ring, and we get to it. Rowan and Rollins start things off, with Rowan backing Seth into the corner and chopping him before bodily hurling him across the ring. He runs Rollins headfirst into the turnbuckle, and Rollins sprints away to the Big Show, although doesn’t tag out. They lock up again, and Erick backs Rollins into his corner, tagging in Ryback. Ryback remains in full control, taking Rollins from corner to corner, but Seth leapfrogs over him and takes back the momentum for a few strikes, and then Ryback bulls his way back, charging at Seth before running right into a nice dropkick. We go to break as Ryback lies there, dazed.

Back from the commercial break, Big Show has tagged in and has the match firmly in hand, keeping Ryback either floored or in retreat. Rowan, that goddamn genius, stands pretty much slack-jawed on the apron. Big Show tries for a chokeslam, but Ryback lunges away, tagging in Rowan. The Red-Bearded one hits Show three times before he goes down, then goes right through Mercury and Noble on the outside before Big Show flattens him. In the ring, Rowan is down, and Rollins gets the tag, taking it to the former Wyatt Family member. JBL and Michael make some darkly comedic remarks about the fate of the Spanish Announce Table at TLC, and Rowan tries to rally, but Rollins hits a kick, managing to tag in Big Show.

The Giant is in complete control, trash-talking Rowan before hitting a huge DDT. He stands on Rowan’s head, and then bodyslams him to the mat before missing an elbow drop. Crowd’s chanting ‘Feed Me More’ as Rowan crawls towards the Big Guy, and Ryback and Rollins get the tag simultaneously. Ryback is all over Seth, before Rollins tries to roll the Big Guy up, only for Ryback to hold the ropes and send Rollins rollin’ away. Clothesline to the Seth misses, and Rollins manages to turn a sideslam into a crucifix pin! Ryback charges; Rollins drop-toeholds him into the turnbuckle. A springboard towards Ryback misses, and the Big Guy hits a huge bodyslam for two!

Looks like it’s time to FINISH IT, and Ryback hauls Rollins up for Shell Shock, only for Mercury and Noble to get up on the apron; Ryback sends them right back down to the floor. Rollins tries for a roll-up, and then hits a superkick for another near-fall. Curb Stomp misses, but Ryback’s spinebuster connects. He calls for the Meathook, but pauses to knock Kane’s ass off the apron, and then turns into Rollins’ ‘Whatever The Fuck That’s Called’ kick. Kane tries to get in the ring, but the referee is fed the fuck up with the Big Red DQ Risk ending matches prematurely, and he boots him! These refs are like GODS tonight! More refs rally to that referee’s cause, and it’s like a zebra-costumed Les Miserables! Seth Rollins gets a tag, but the referee didn’t see it, and declares Big Show not to be the legal man! Up is down! Black is white, meaning that the referee’s shirts are still correctly colour coded! Big Show might cry again! Rowan boots Big Show down to the floor! Ryback levels Rollins with the Meathook! Shell Shock gets the win!

Wow, that got totally wild towards the end. I mean, I think I got a little carried away with my total love for the referees, but they have been badasses for the majority of this show. Shit, that ending deserves 3 Stars.

Apparently Joey Mercury is able to carry Rollins on his shoulders whilst running. Wow, badasses all up in this bitch. And then Tom ruins it by saying ‘tables, ladders, chairs and stairs!‘ Fuck you, Tom; I hope Miz starts feeling an inordinate amount of lust towards you.

This was a fun show, and I say that knowing full well that the first thing we saw of it was Santino Marella’s stupid, stupid face. But they even managed to make one of his segments funny. Whatever McMahon might say, and even with the absence of Bryan, Punk and Del Rio, the current roster is capable of good, even great matches, and that showed tonight. Eight.

I know I usually finish the review with a movie recommendation, partly because I love writing and watching movies and partly because that whole ‘WWE-themed sex positions’ shtick was good for, like four weeks at best. But this week, in honour of creative writing-related activities, I’m going to take things in a literary direction. I’m currently taking a break from re-reading Lord of the Rings (and thinking ‘shit, people here are way nicer than that bunch in Westeros’) and have found myself in possession of a novel called After My Own Heart by Sophia Blackwell, which really is an incredible read. So, rather than my usual recommendation of almost-pornographic European movies (I’m not sure if I’ve recommended those yet, but if not, they’re on their way) and films you’ve already seen (I mean, if you haven’t already watched Sunshine then I don’t think I can help you any more), I’m recommending this novel and linking it so y’all can just click instead of typing, like a goddamn animal. And that’s the last time I’ll do this until my own bloody stuff starts getting published *drops mic*.topstory120x120-|topstory120x120 topstory500x250-|topstory500x250

]]> 4
WWE Friday Night Smackdown Preview 12/05/2014 [Non-Spoiler] Fri, 05 Dec 2014 15:47:34 +0000 Smackdown was taped in Oklahoma City, and will have Santino Marella as the GM for the night. What does he have planned?

WWE Intercontinental Title
Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler

The New Day vs. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro

The Miz vs. Jey Uso

Brie Bella vs. Naomi

The Big Show & Seth Rollins vs. Ryback & Erick Rowan

Of course, you can also check out the results in the Smackdown Spoilers
topstory500x250-×250.jpg|topstory500x250 topstory120x120-×120.jpg|topstory120x120

]]> 0