Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown http://wrestling.insidepulse.com Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 22:14:16 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://wrestling.insidepulse.com Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for November 21st 2014: Last Time You’ll See (TBA) On SmackDown http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/21/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-21st-2014-last-time-youll-see-tba-on-smackdown/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/21/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-21st-2014-last-time-youll-see-tba-on-smackdown/#comments Fri, 21 Nov 2014 22:14:16 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170873 What-ho, mothermuffins. It’s me, your friendly British recapper…guy, taking a break from being actually incredibly productive in the area of household chores to review some SmackDown. And but two days away from Survivor Series, we shall see what last acts shall affect the main event this Sunday.

We get a promo which is basically the Authority going ‘look how goddamn awesome and smart we are’, which is sort of hard to accept if you’ve watched Game of Thrones. Or The Godfather. Or Breaking Bad. Or Adventure Time. I mean, I feel sort of happy about those two characters existing solely in the wrestling business, because in anything approaching the real world, they’re already dead. As we go through this whole self-masturbation thing (isn’t it automatically self-masturbation, unless otherwise qualified?) I get some green tea, because at the ripe old age of twenty-three, I feel like I need to secure some sort of immortality via what I put into my body.

Oh Lord, it’s Michael Cole in the middle of the ring. Unless they’re presenting him as an offering to Brock Lesnar (Lesnar consumes or uses every part of the sacrifice), then this isn’t going to be good. And he brings out Triple H, so there goes that cannibalistic, sodomy-flavoured dream. I’m also pretty sure that Michael Cole and Triple H aren’t allowed to talk to each other whilst wearing pants (I’m also pretty sure I invented that rule and it has never been observed). Michael waxes depressed about the fact that their nude-below-the-waist interviews might never happen again, and Triple H tells him not even to go there (a man needs some comforts). Michael’s claws come out as he tells Hunter that we all hate him; this is the bitchiest wrestling-assisted break-up ever.

Triple H asks if Cole thinks our opinion matters; he claims that we are in a symbiotic relationship with him, but then seems to place himself in a parental role above us. Shit’s getting Freudian all up in here. Michael then berates Triple H’s management skills, which is sort of fair considering that Triple H started out as a wrestler, not a manger. He’s like the American Dream. Trips then claims that he outlasted more popular wrestlers than him, because he’s smarter than them, and what that means is he knows how to seduce a powerful woman in the workplace during a period of high and faux-romantic contact. And apparently this makes him a constant: eternal. The Alpha and the Omega.

Cole points out that if Team Authority loses, Hunter will be gone on Monday. Triple H then praises Vince McMahon, saying that the WWE exists today because of Vinnie Mac, and that only two people can take his place: Shane McMahon and Paul Heyman. No, wait, Steph and Trips. He says without them, the WWE will die, despite being the Comcast of the wrestling world. Michael then says ‘fine, so what happens if you guys win?’ Triple H invites Team Cena to the ring as he plays a segment of an interview between their captain and Michael Cole.

Team Cena shows up, using Dolph Ziggler’s theme music: suck it, Ryback. We see a segment showing that Cena knows he’s got the others in a sticky situation, and that means they’ve got to win. Hunter then says that when Team Cena loses, everyone on that team is fired. But considering John Cena has managed to spit on every stipulation and contract ever imposed on him, I’m pretty sure they’re going to be fine.

Rusev’s music hits, and he walks past Team Cena…who for some reason do not grab hold of him and break all four of his limbs. Which, let’s face it, is probably higher-priority now that their jobs depend on them rendering him unable to defend himself this Sunday. Seriously, if I was on either team, I would have sixteen tonne weights suspended throughout the entire arena and have littered the locker room with bear traps. Containing actual bears, so the bears are uber-pissed.

Moral Of This Story? Break A Man’s Limbs While You Have The Chance

We come back to witness Dolph Ziggler sacrificing himself to ensure that Cena hands Rusev his first pinfall loss. What a team player. Rusev pushes Ziggler back on the ropes and punches him. Dolph plays duck-around and manages to land a couple of blows on Rusev, but runs into a back-elbow. Stomp stomp stomp to Ziggler, but he comes back with fists and a dropkick, only for Rusev to come right back and knock his ass down. According to Michael, John Cena is sitting at home right now; show up to your job, you lazy fuck. And also, Cena doesn’t get fired if Team Authority wins. I’d make a Cena-protected joke, but I think WWE beat me to it. Ziggler hangs Rusev up on the ropes, and knocks him down to the ground, but when he follows him out Dolph gets flung into the steel steps.

We get a promo to advertise what a badass the Big Show is, which makes it seem unlikely that he’s getting fired. When we come back, Ziggler’s in a sleeper, but escapes with a jawbreaker. Rusev runs into the turnbuckle, nearly gets rolled up, then again. He catches Dolph with a fallaway slam, but Ziggler rolls out of it and hits a superkick for a two-count. Also, JBL seems to think that no member of Team Cena has any money set aside, and has no chance of getting another job, which is kind of something coming from the millionaire ex-wrestler on commentary. Stinger splash to Rusev, then some punches before Rusev pushes him away. Massive spinning heel kick to take Dolph’s head off, but Dolph nearly hits the Zig-Zag; Rusev throws him off and flattens him against the ropes. He drags Ziggler to the centre of the ring and tries to apply the Accolade, but Dolph scoots out and scores with the Zig-Zag! Rusev kicks out after a long struggle to get the pin. Fameasser’s blocked; the DDT’s blocked; the big Bulgarian (not Russian, Michael) hits the superkick for the win.

I liked this match. Ziggler is believable as a guy who can knock off the big guys; similar to Seth Rollins and CM Punk. Nice back and forth 2.5 Stars.

Post-match, the Accolade is applied, because Rusev actually recognises the value of crippling your future opponent before a fight. Later tonight, Big Show and Ryback will take on Kane and Seth Rollins.

Backstage, Kane is on the phone to, let’s face it, no-one, but then hangs up when someone we don’t see (probably no-one as well) knocks on the door.

We see a ‘New Day’ promo; apparently they’re coming on Monday, but who cares about that when a main event thing could be happening too?

Kane is still backstage, and apparently the person at the door (although not on the phone) was Antonio Cesaro. He seems to be like the guy who’s not really on the team, but still hangs around with the team, of Team Authority; he’s the Scrappy Doo is what he is. Kane seems to be fairly open-handed with giving orders to the guy who, let’s face it, should have his spot on the Team. Cesaro exits with the line ‘long live the Authority’; dude, this is not Nazi Germany. Also, I thought the Swiss were perennially neutral. Like, that and chocolate is their thing. And clocks?

Man, The Things This Match Would Do To Me If I Suffered From Clinical Depression

God, I hate that whole happy/sad feeling of seeing Sandmiz and Miz. More sad, at the moment, because of that Grumpy Cat bullshit. I mean…there have to be depths that WWE will not stoop; there have to be dicks they will not suck. So far, they’re still looking for them. Oh, and hell, they’re facing Los Matadores. So…I’m not going to be reviewing this. I’m calling in my one-use-per-year thing where I tell you guys to review the match instead of me. Funnily enough, I’m sure the last time I did this was due to a Matadores match as well. Make of that what you will. You know the drill: review the match for me and submit said-review via the comments section. I’ll be here, sipping my ginger tea (I’m going to live forever).

What I got from that, aside from the fact that the WWE thinks my blood contains too little alcohol, is that we’re having a fatal four-way match for the tag titles at Survivor Series. Fair enough; I miss the Wyatts.

Dean Ambrose shows up, making his twitchy way to the ring. He says that he’s not the average WWE superstar, and says he doesn’t care about any of the psychological disorders he has; he’s just going to survive. He tells us a story involving his mother, a twenty dollar bill and group of older guys; definitely not what you think. Basically, Mrs Ambrose gave a pair of brass knuckles to a child, which is piss-poor parenting. Also, you’d think brass knuckles would have been a good thing to have on you if you thought Bray Wyatt was going to jump you. I imagine, after enough concussions, he’d get the message. He says he’s going to put Wyatt down, whereas Wyatt has said he wants to fix Dean. Lot of animal metaphors going on here.

Bray shows on the screen, and apparently he’s in prison. Holy shit, did they finally go after him for assault charges? He pretends to be Dean’s dad, which is sort of weird considering that he’s younger that Ambrose. He says he’s going to leave Dean drowning in a pool of his own filth: that’s what my parents say will happen to me. Creepy Wyatt schtick abound.

AJ Acts The Bellas Acting Better Than The Bellas Actually Act

Brie and Nikki are in the ring, and I’m starting to regret using my once-a-year avoidance ticket already. Then Nikki’s music hits again, and AJ is dressed as Nikki. Nikki’s far more pissed than someone should be about this, but it’s Brie who’ll be fighting AJ. They circle each other, as Nikki fumes on the outside. AJ dodges a charge, but then Brie hits a waistlock takedown; AJ gets Brie in her headlock and takes her over. Kick to Brie’s midsection; AJ runs into a back elbow and gets her face rocked off the turnbuckle; AJ manages to reverse it, returning the favour. At one point, she smacks Brie’s head into her breasts, which surely should hurt AJ more than Brie. Ever seen a woman get hit in the boob? Drops them.

Punches to the face of Brie, then AJ takes out her falsies (oh, continuity) and hits Brie with them. Okay, surely that’s use of a foreign object. Unless you’re making the point that things women do to themselves to conform to a male-dominated ideal are actually part of their body. Man, I did not think a side-effect of that English degree would be me to spot the feminist reading in professional wrestling. Brie gets AJ into single-leg Boston crab. AJ reaches the ropes, then applies a front facelock. Brie forces a break by smashing AJ into the corner, but then runs into a pair of knees. Clothesline takes down Brie, then a neckbreaker for two.

Brie manages to hit a dropkick, then a knee to the face, then her ‘BRIE MODE!!’ missile dropkick for two. Nikki gets up on the apron to yell ‘finish her’ at Brie. AJ, inner geek awakened by the Mortal Kombat reference, shoves Brie into Nikki and rolls up Nikki.

I usually don’t love endings which happen because one person can’t control their rabid, ravaging stupidity. However, this is Nikki Bella, and according to rumours I might soon have to be subjected to her godawful acting and barely-passable wrestling more than I already am. So I’m sort of fine with it. Match was pretty meh. 2 Stars.

Nikki attacks Brie after the match. See, this is okay as long as they don’t try to display Brie as a strong role model for women during this gimmick. I mean…I’m sure they will; it’s the WWE handling anything involving women.

In other news, apparently getting World’s Strongest Slammed through a table can totes fuck up your nerves. Sheamus is out for an indeterminate length of time; who’s going to be the new number one contender for Rusev’s title?

Can We Please Secure The Rights To Duelling Banjos?

Well, it’s time to see what Rowan can do against an opponent of Cesaro’s calibre. I’m interested, because one of Cesaro’s many pros is that he brings out the best in whoever he wrestles. I currently have no idea what Rowan’s motivation is; if it turns out that Harper used to non-consensually sodomise him, I would believe it in a second. Apparently Cena’s punishment if his team loses will be getting tortured until he quits. In other words, will be offered many more opportunities to out-underdog himself whilst kicking out of everything short of a nuclear strike. Poor bastard.

Cesaro slaps the mask off Rowan’s face and goes on the attack, but Rowan just hurls him out of the ring. Headbutt to Cesaro on the outside. Back in the ring, Cesaro hits a shoulder to Rowan on the apron, but Rowan slugs him. Cesaro hits a dropkick and more strikes, but it’s the FRISKY BEARHUG! Cesaro nearly gets a roll-up; Rowan hauls him up to his feet, but Cesaro hits headbutts and then runs into a bodyslam.

On the outside, Cesaro hangs Rowan up on the ropes, then applies a sleeper. Erick backs him into a corner, then runs into a boot. Cesaro goes up high, but gets brought back down and hit with a shoulder block. Pumphandle backbreaker sends Cesaro reeling, then it’s the Torture Rack for the win.

Huh, that was pretty interesting. Lots of back and forth, which you know I’m fond of, and Erick Rowan looks like a threat. I remember saying I was interested in him when the Wyatts first got here, but I sort of abandoned him after getting to know Harper and Bray better. Let’s see what he does this Sunday. 2.5 Stars.

Harper comes out, staring at his possible ex-sodomy slave (I’m sticking to my story), and approaches the ring. Wow, it’s going to be like a wedding in the Deep South. Ah, no, Harper pussies out, then pussies in, and then pussies out again. I’d call it ‘mind games’ but, you know…Harper and Rowan.

Backstage, Big Show is talking to Ryback and Dolph Ziggler. Not sure what about; the sound’s off. So…probably AJ’s Bella cosplay.

When we get back from the break, Renee Young’s joined them, as has Erick Rowan, and she asks them about Survivor Series. Please, Renee, you’re interrupting a very serious conversation about boobies. She asks them if they think the firing thing is fair. Wow, Renee, how neutral of you. Big Show’s fired up and says that they’re not going to back down. They’re going to finish it. Ryback says he knew this was coming, which is fairly far-sighted of him. Ziggler gets all mopey about the IC Title; apparently now he has nothing to lose. Okay, suicide-watch that guy right now. Erick Rowan was doing a Rubix Cube through that whole thing, and Renee actually interviews him. He just says…‘freedom’. Um…that was a fairly emotional moment.

Wow, actually.

WWE: Blood And Sand

It’s main event time. Kane and Seth Rollins get to the ring, followed by Ryback and Big Show. The ring announcer then states that Rowan and Ziggler are banned from ringside. I mean…that would probably be more impactful if they’d been there already, but whatever.

Ryback starts off against Rollins, and this is for costing me the title, you greasy fucker, thinks Ryback, as he throws Seth all around the ring. Rollins bails fast, then comes back in to pound on Ryback before he takes a Thesz Press. Tag to Big Show, who nails Rollins with a chop, and then another. Headbutt to Rollins, and then Show walks over him. Tag to Ryback, who continues to smash the shit out of Seth some more, only for Seth to fire back with some chops, which are totally ineffective. Wow, I am seriously enjoying this ass-whupping. Ryback runs into a kick, but Rollins leaps into a bodyslam. Kane tries to get involved, and Ryback kicks his ass back down to the floor, then hurls Rollins over the top rope onto him.

Triple H’s music hits, and what, a man in his forties is going to fight Ryback? Oh, and he’s brought his team. Fucking wuss. Seriously, where the hell is Cena?

Back from the break, Kane is now getting his ass kicked, but does score on a DDT to Big Show. Rollins comes in, hitting a tonne of kicks, but when he pins the Giant, the kick-out sends him out of the ring. He comes right back, levelling Show with some punches. Kane comes in, keeping Big Show grounded and applying a sleeper. Big Show fires back up, hitting a back suplex and tagging in Ryback. Rollins also comes in and starts getting put right through the mill by the Big Guy. Team Authority is driven into a frenzy at this display of dominance, and falls on Big Show, attacking him from the DQ.

This was actually a nice example of how the teams might play out. I also like the fact that this sort of was some comeuppance for Rollins, especially from two guys who just sort of dislike him. Good advert for Survivor Series. 2.5 Stars.

Rollins tries to hit Curb Stomp, but Ryback dodges, and nearly hits Shell-Shock. Noble and Mercury run in, and get clotheslined for their trouble, and Rollins gets a spinebuster. Mercury and Noble come right back: how the hell did these guys not win more titles? They stomp Ryback down, only for Ziggler to make the save…and get booted by Harper. Rowan approaches now, booting Henry down and clotheslining Rusev like they were nothing. Holy shit. Rowan enters the ring and has a scream-off with Harper, before Kane chokeslams Erick. Ryback spinebusters Kane and gets the fuck clotheslined out of him. Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag to Harper, then gets superkicked by Rusev and World’s Strongest Slammed by Henry: his nerves!

Team Authority continue to dick it all over Team Cena, but suddenly Big Show is on the outside, bellowing in defiance or rage or hunger. The Roar apparently gets everyone’s attention, and he chops, punches and clotheslines the shit out of everyone until Triple H attacks him with a chair and Rollins hits the Curb Stomp. Wow, so you guys had them at seven-to-four odds, but you still needed Triple H plus a steel chair? Team Authority are fucking dead men walking. Steel chair injections for every member of Team Cena, and apparently yes, they actually needed a forty-something year old guy to help. Damn, this is actually pretty brutal. This is that shanking scene from Superman Returns brutal. Triple H ends things with a Pedigree, on SmackDown. That’s like getting birthday sex on a not-birthday.

See, none of this would have happened if the WWE locker room had banded together and crippled Triple H and his wife. But you didn’t want to listen to me, did you?

This was a pretty awesome SmackDown. Match quality was okay, but the real beauty of it was the atmosphere: it was a calm-before-the-storm episode and we saw the beginning of the storm as it ended. Excited for Survivor Series, without a doubt. Eight.

David’s Movie Recommendation: This is never going to be one of my favourite films, but I have a certain affection for The Tourist. Johnny Depp and Angeline Jolie star, plus Paul Bettany and Timothy ‘James Bond’ Dalton are in it as well. It’s an interesting movie: enjoyable, but it’s never going to blow you away and it’s not really trying to. Still, worth a watch.
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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for November 14th 2014: Ryback Rules http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/15/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-14th-2014-ryback-rules/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/15/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-14th-2014-ryback-rules/#comments Sat, 15 Nov 2014 22:04:09 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170801 Happy Friday, folks. It’s Friday night, which means (for a few more months, at least) it’s time to write up the SmackDown Report. And is it odd that all I want is more Adam Rose and Tyson Kidd antics? That was my favourite part of last week’s episode, but then it’s possible I’m the tiniest bit of a sociopath.

We begin by recapping the Liverpool-based RAW from Monday, with Ryback being too cool for all y’all. His badass points which, I’ll freely admit, I’d thought gone forever, have definitely been regained. And can we just all talk about what an awful employee Kane is? How many times now has he screwed up what he was supposed to be doing, or failed to keep his cool? And they give away a slot on the Authority team to this guy? I’d actually be happy if they brought back Jamie Noble for some cruiserweight shenanigans. Oh, and Luke Harper apparently disdains doorbells in favour of throwing midcard champs into rooms instead: the fuck kind of etiquette did Chez Wyatt have?

We’re still in Liverpool, which is some piss-poor progress through these sceptred isles. And the German announce team is here, bound to fall victim to some icy British politeness at some point this evening. Jericho’s music hits, and it’s never even a surprise when he shows up anymore. Admittedly, the Highlight Reel layout was set up, so there was a clue this time. Jericho manages to get back-to-back chants for the Bunny and Funaki, then introduces the Authority. Lot of hate for these two as they make their way to the ring. And I’ve read and watched too much Mafia literature and media, but it really does seem like this would be the perfect time for Team Cena to quickly strike and hospitalise these two ahead of Survivor Series.

Jericho asks them why they wanted to be on the Highlight Reel, and Stephanie can’t help herself from being a bitch, as usual. She says she wants to give people what they want, and then makes the claim that we ‘respect’ the superstars and divas. Um…moving on… Steph says they’re being made to fight for what they believe in, and asks where Superman would be without Lex Luthor. Well…there’d be a few more people on earth, I imagine. Less horrible stuff would have happened. I don’t know if Luthor’s still the president, but that situation might be a little better. I mean…I’ve read The Dark Knight Strikes Again, and it seems to me that the entire Justice League would have done pretty well minus Lex Luthor. Honestly? Fuck Lex Luthor. Steph asks who could run the WWE except the Authority, and personally I’d like to see what Paul Heyman could do with that kind of budget, roster and technology; I’d much prefer it to Cena’s idea that the WWE Universe being in control. I mean…it really does seem like if Team Cena wins, we’ve sort of automatically been behind a coup d’état. Jericho’s idea of how the WWE runs appears to extend to exactly who licks boots (literally, not figuratively), cleans toilets and gets thrown into pools of mud, which indicates that he is not someone we want in our government once we take the helm.

Finally Trips gets mad that we’re all watching his wife getting covered in mud on a big screen. To be honest, I’d be a little annoyed as well. He says the Authority doesn’t need anyone’s acceptance, and that Team Authority is going to tear through Team Cena. According to my girlfriend, whose university course is currently teaching her how to perpetuate a genocide (and I really wish I was joking or stretching the truth there), this is the absolute worst way for the Authority to remain in control. What Adam Rose is doing, conversely, is spot on. That’s right: Adam Rose honestly is the most likely WWE Superstar to perpetuate a successful genocide. Jericho mocks the Authority with the time-honoured song ‘Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na­ Hey Hey Goodbye’ as they leave the ring.

Michael Cole says he likes the WWE by democracy, and careful, Cole. Democracy is next to People Power…cracy. He says he might get a raise if the WWE fans are in charge, and if we do gain control of the WWE State, comrades, I will ensure permanent detention for anyone who suggests that Michael Cole gets paid more money. Following the WWE Universe’s rise to power, Michael Cole will be first up against the wall.

I Think We’re All Realising Just How Much Emotional Support Ambrose Was Receiving From Reigns And Rollins

Here’s Bray Wyatt, to an oddly negative perception. Apparently his new form of evil is laughing about parental abandonment. I mean…dickish, sure, but evil? He’s up against Sin Cara, and uppercuts him right in the mask. Headbutt and a hard-looking clothesline. Cara gets thrown into the corner, but boots Bray in the face and hits a springboard crossbody. Kick to the head sends Bray reeling; Wyatt ducks a senton from the top rope and cannons right into Sin Cara. Cara’s sent into the corner, and is squashed by Bray, who the suplex-tosses him and does his spiderwalk (Sin Cara was barely conscious and didn’t react, so totally acceptable). Sister Abigail ends it.

Decent. Sin Cara’s offence was pretty gutsy; Bray was still definitely dominant and the spiderwalk wasn’t an invitation to get punted in the dick. 2.5 Stars.

Post-match, Wyatt gets on the microphone and plays councillor. Apparently Dean Ambrose received darkness for Christmas, which is a cool-sounding present. He keeps yelling ‘let me fix you, Dean’, and apparently Ambrose doesn’t care for the implication that he needs to be spayed and/or neutered, and approaches the ring. Brya slips out of the ring, and actually continues to mock Ambrose: that’s relatively new. He yells that Dean is predictable, because he reacts to being taunted like most other superstars. And…holy shit, he actually got into the ring with Dean, who slugs him. Bray ducks out again, and walks away, still on the microphone. Loving this whole thing.

Doubleplus Rosebud

Here’s the Dust Brothers, our tag team champions. And facing them…oh fuck yes, it’s my favourite autocratic dictator and the Bunny version of Winston Smith. Apparently on Main Event, the Bunny proved his loyalty and belief to the Rosebud State by distracting Stardust and allowing Rose to pick up the win. Because it’s not enough in a police state to be passive: one must actively work for the betterment of the state. Seriously, this is accidentally a study in dystopian politics.

Rose locks up with Goldust, who runs the ropes before getting hip-tossed. Rose doesn’t tag in the Bunny when asked, and Goldust takes control, tagging in Stardust, who hits hard and fast before tagging out again. Tag Team Champs on the offence right now, but Rose punches his way out of a headlock; he runs the ropes until he and Goldust run into each other.

Stardust and the Bunny tag in, and the Bunny kicks the hell out of Stardust. Rose wants the tag, but the Bunny goes up top, only to be distracted by Adam Rose’s tag-wanting. He eventually dives onto Stardust, who manages to get his knees up and hit…whatever we’re calling that finisher. Adam Rose could not give less of a shit as the Bunny gets pinned.

Very glad we didn’t feed the Champs to this storyline, as much as I love the thing itself. Also nice to see Rose actually wrestle on one of these shows as opposed to just dancing with his drug-induced spirit animals. 2 Stars.

Oh shit, I think the Bunny’s going to Room 101. Although as I’ve decided that this is more of a Brave New World thing, I think that means he gets sent to a colony full of people also unable to adjust to Adam Rose’s Rosebud State. Or has an orgy and hangs himself, possibly. Actually, he just gets Party Foul’d by Adam Rose, and 1984 would be a way better book if Room 101 had just contained Adam Rose.

The Rosebuds are dancing again, because they want to disassociate themselves from the Bunny and show their loyalty and fervour for the Rosebud State. JBL denounces the Bunny as a ‘bad egg’, because Adam Rose owns the media. Does writing this make me a revolutionary?

Dolph Ziggler is backstage with Not-Renee, and they look back at the really shitty month that our Intercontinental Champ has had, although that includes moments of him slamming a cage door against Kane’s skull. And Stephanie McMahon’s very-badly-acted ‘surprised’ emotion. Not-Renee asks about him having to defend the title in a Triple-Threat Elimination match tonight against Cesaro and Tyson Kidd, somehow without using the phrase ‘fucking awesome’. Ziggler is quite serious, stating that whatever happens, he’s staying on Team Cena; the clock is ticking for the Authority.

Ryback promo, skipping over his more interesting tweets. And Not-Renee is busy tonight, now asking Ryback if he’s on Team Cena. Ryback says he’s only on Team Ryback; whatever, Treebeard. He keeps chuckling after every sentence, which is already pissing me off. But hell if the guy doesn’t come across as a badass, and that’s what’s really important.

How Is This The Authority Being Evil?

Poor Tyson Kidd gets a jobber’s entrance to go along with his shitty marriage. Cesaro and Ziggler show up, and I’m still charmed by Dolph wearing the belt backwards. This should be an excellent match, considering the elements, and I almost wish I was less drunk (just got back from a family party; nobody doesn’t drink at our family parties). Whiney McNasal announces everyone once they’re in the ring: BIG MATCH FEEL. I don’t know if it’s the beard or the gains, but Cesaro looks hella pumped, brah. My guess, right now, is Tyson Kidd is our first elimination.

As I type that, Cesaro and Ziggler shove Kidd away for daring to interrupt their stare-down, and Cesaro boots Ziggler and throws Kidd. Stomp to Ziggler’s back; Kidd kicks Cesaro and rolls up Ziggler for two. Backslide to Kidd, and everyone trades pinning combinations and do you know how difficult this is to cover? Cesaro clotheslines Kidd; Ziggler dropkicks Cesaro and drops the elbow to Kidd.

Back from the break, Ziggler and Kidd try to suplex Cesaro, who suplexes them right the fuck back. Double underhook powerbomb to Ziggler, followed up by the springboard elbow from Kidd, before he gets gutwrenched by Cesaro for two. Cesaro charges at Ziggler, who dodges (sending Cesaro to blast the turnbuckle) and Fameassers Kidd for two. Ziggler gets crotched onto the top rope by Cesaro, who follows him up and tries for a back superplex. Dolph fights him back down; Tyson hits a dropkick to Cesaro’s back, prompting Dolph to fall into a Tree of Woe and eat another dropkick to the face. T-Bone suplex to Kidd from Cesaro, then an uppercut in the corner for two. Ziggler crossbodies Cesaro from the top, then hits stinger splashes to both men, then a neckbreaker/DDT to both simultaneously!

Tyson is sent off the ropes, but comes back with a spinning neckbreaker for two. He heads up high, but eats an uppercut whilst up there. Superplex attempt by Cesaro, but Ziggler joins him, and…okay, Kidd sunset-flip-powerbombed Cesaro, who superplexed Ziggler. Holy fuck. Tyson locks in the Sharpshooter! Cesaro actually tries to pin Dolph whilst in the hold for two! Cesaro kicks Kidd right out of the ring, then uppercuts Dolph! Kidd springboards at Cesaro, who somehow turns that into a backbreaker for two!

Back from the break, Cesaro drops an elbow to Ziggler, then takes a diving neckbreaker from Kidd, and Ziggler raises the knees into Cesaro’s back. Kidd locks the Sharpshooter in on Dolph, and then Cesaro adds the crossbreaker; Kidd then tries to apply the Sharpshooter to Cesaro, who reverses that into the Cesaro Swing! DDT to a dizzy Cesaro for two! Third ‘This Is Awesome’ chant of the match! Fameasser reversed; he gets thrown into a kick from Kidd, then eats a German suplex for two! Cesaro knocks Tyson to the floor, measures Ziggler, tries to uppercut him, takes the Zig-Zag! Kidd throws Dolph out of the ring and gets the pin!

Kidd celebrates, and then focuses on Ziggler. Baseball slide into headscissors, sending Dolph into the steps. Ziggler’s thrown into the barricade, then Tyson kicks him right in the face for two. Kidd chokes Dolph on the ropes and tries to hit a leg-drop, only to get rolled up for two. Fisherman’s suplex reversed; Zig-Zag countered; spinning neckbreaker hits for two! Fourth ‘This Is Awesome’ chant, in one match. Springboard from Kidd, right into a superkick, for two! Kick to Dolph’s head, and locks in the Sharpshooter again; Ziggler rolls through: Zig-Zag and the three!

Five Stars. No Doubt. Five Stars. Holy shit.

Tense Dinner Conversation In The Kidd Household Tonight

Looks like Natalya and Tyson have their separate interests as a couple. Well…both interests are ‘wrestling’, but they do it separately. And Nat will be facing Layla, the hometown girl seeing as how Paige isn’t here. Nat wrenches Layla’s arm; Layla reverses it and Natalya rolls through; Layla gets a nice pin, but nearly gets put in the Sharpshooter. Punch right to Natalya’s face, and she pays it back. Layla runs into a back elbow, but then immediately kicks Nat in the face to knock her out of the ring. Natalya isn’t moving until the last second: just enough time for me to worry that something went wrong, but does get back into the ring.

Layla scissors Natalya’s neck, then her stomach. Front facelock with the legs wrapped around the stomach, but Natalya powers up, only for Layla to slam the back of her head off the mat. Natalya catches a kick and slams Layla, hitting a kick of her own to the face; Layla kicks her out of the ring again. Natalya takes this as an opportunity to slap Summer Rae and to throw Layla into her before getting Layla back into the ring. She takes a kick, but powers straight through into the Sharpshooter for the win.

Decent and hard-hitting match; Layla has been impressive in the ring lately, particularly the pin attempt in the opening moments. 2.5 Stars.

Backstage, Not-Renee is having a busy night indeed, as he runs into Dean Ambrose; Ambrose says that Wyatt’s playing games, and then Bray’s right there, this new game apparently called ‘beat the shit out of Dean Ambrose’. He Sister Abigails him against the wall and skedaddles. What a card.

Feed Him More

Here’s Kane, about to get eaten alive by Ryback. The Authority is right there with him, and shake hands with the commentators for some reason. I’d actually be pretty happy if Ryback didn’t get involved in the Survivor Series match, and this was his way of telling everyone to leave him alone.

Kane and Ryback lock up, and Ryback forces Kane back; Kane twists Ryback around into the corner, then headlocks him. Ryback breaks out of that, and levels Kane. Ryback goes on the attack, but eats an uppercut and reels enough for Kane to gain the advantage. Clothesline in the corner, but Ryback pays Kane back in kind. Michael is bitching about the Authority, and I really want Trips and Steph to turn to him and say ‘you do know we can hear you, right?’

Suplex attempt from Kane, and Ryback reverses with a suplex of his own, clotheslining Kane out of the ring. Thesz Press to Kane, then a Warrior Splash. Ryback tries to go for the Meathook, but Kane cuts him off with the big boot.

Bodyslam by Kane for two, then an uppercut. Apparently Steph actually asked Michael why he’s being so negative, so they can hear him. Ryback’s thrown hard into the corner, then takes a boot to the face again. Kane tries to choke Ryback, who turns that into a slam, but Kane then reverses the Warrior Splash, getting his boots up. He hits a dropkick to the downed Ryback, still in control. Kane runs into an elbow, and Ryback builds momentum now, hitting a shoulder tackle. Splash from the second rope to Kane; Kane tries a chokeslam and Ryback hits a spinning bodyslam like it was nothing. This time the Meathook connects, flooring Kane hard; Ryback wants to finish it, but Kane slides out of Shellshock.

Ryback clotheslines Kane out of the ring, but the Big Red Machine drags him out there with him, driving him back-first into the apron and then hurling him into the steel post. Kane then picks up a steel chair, which just means he knows, deep-down, he’s a fucking pussy. Steel chair to the ribs gets the DQ.

How many matches has Kane ended in disqualification: either his own, or other people’s? With the possible exception of Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury, he’s the least-threatening member of the Authority; he is definitely the bitch of the five-man team.

Chair assault continues on the outside as the Authority applauds, and then carries on in the ring. Triple H calls Kane over to give him some instruction, which is most likely: ‘hit him with the chair again, Kane! Multiple times!’, so seems unnecessary. Ryback spinebusters Kane, making Trips the wrestling equivalent of a micromanager. Instead of even bothering to hit Shellshock, Ryback just fucks Kane over with the chair, like a boss. He stares down Hunter, daring The Game to get in the ring so he can tear his quad out and feast upon it. Triple H looks him dead in the eye, and that closes the show.

I liked this week. The triple-threat match alone was perfection, and there was plenty else to enjoy. Ryback seems to have picked up where he never should have left off, and I just pray they can keep him away from Cena this time. Nice Divas match too; good show scores nine.

I couldn’t resist writing this; I’m far too invested in this Adam Rose thing for my own good. Well, for better or worse, here it is:

‘You asked me once,’ said O’Brien, ‘what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.’

The door opened again. A guard came in, leading another person into the room behind him. Because of the position in which O’Brien was standing, Winston could not see who this new arrival was.

‘The worst thing in the world,’ said O’Brien, ‘varies from individual to individual. It may be burial alive, or death by fire, or by drowning, or by impalement, or fifty other deaths. There are cases where it is some quite trivial thing, not even fatal.’

He had moved a little to one side, so that Winston had a better view of the figure that had joined them. He was a tall, muscular man, with long, brown hair falling about his shoulders. He wore no shirt, even though the room itself was, to Winston, bitterly cold, but what was truly unusual about the man was his eyes. Although they were three or four metres away from him, Winston could see the wideness of them; the jittering movement. The fevered stare and fixed grin of a man in the grip of some potent hallucinogenic. He spread his arms out wide, gazing wildly at Winston.

‘Don’t be a lemon,’ he intoned, his grin widening. ‘Be a rosebud.’

‘In your case,’ said O’Brien, as if the man had not spoken, ‘the worst thing in the world happens to be Adam Rose.’

David’s Movie Recommendation: Gangster No.1 is a strange, almost over-simplistic movie. You keep waiting for the twist to happen before realising that there never was one. Maybe it’s the brutal realism that appeals to me, or the fact that Paul Bettany playing a fucking psychopath is hellishly good value for money. Plus, the entire thing’s narrated by Malcolm McDowell, and could actually be a sequel for A Clockwork Orange if you think too much about it. Give it a go.
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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for November 7th 2014: Halloween Was Last Week http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/08/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-7th-2014-halloween-was-last-week/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/08/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-november-7th-2014-halloween-was-last-week/#comments Sat, 08 Nov 2014 18:41:12 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170743 Yo yo yo, you crazy kids. It’s Friday night, which means it’s time for me to write the SmackDown Report, although that may or may not also occasionally take place on Saturday night, or Sunday morning. What’s it got to do with you anyway, man? Can’t a guy spend Friday night taking the edge off? Pouring himself a fine Irish whiskey and watching Adventure Time? You’re not my parents, dude.

Jesus.

Anyway, we’re in Albany, which years of watching WWE tells me is in New York. And people say this show isn’t educational. Because, let’s face it, it is not.

When Your Only Other Teams Are Los Matadores and Miz2

Looks like we’re kicking of SmackDown with a cage championship match. You know, feels like a main event sort of thing, but what do I know? I don’t run a business which is so desperate for money that about two thirds of its programming is advertising for itself or other products. But hey, tag team cage championship match. So…let’s do it.

God, that new announcer has a shrill, nasally voice. And Cody is either totally committed to his character or has just snorted a metric assload of cocaine; either way, I’ll watch it. Wait…wait, it’s not a tornado tag match? Inside a steel cage? You know, I had a whole rant written out about that, but no. No, I’m going to do what some parents do to their unruly, screaming kids, and not dignify bullshit with a response. Yet.

Jimmy or Jey starts off against Stardust or some crackhead who dressed as Stardust for Halloween and is now in way over his head one week later. Chops to Stardust, then a big uppercut from Jey. There’s an escape attempt, and then a stand-off. So…what, if neither illegal man goes back to his corner, they can get DQ’d, right? I mean, I assume that’s why both of them are standing there doing nothing. Goldust tags in, slamming some Uso skull against the turnbuckle, but his Irish whip gets reversed and he gets backdropped. Jimmy comes in now, knocking Dust down with a chop and flipping onto him. Goldust does fight back, hitting the Rhodes Uppercut, but gets slammed face-first into the cage for a two-count. Goldust struggles out of an armlock, and manages to duck a crossbody, leaving Jimmy to smash right into the steel, and then turns him inside out with a huge clothesline as we head to the commercial break.

Back to the action, and Stardust is slamming Jimmy’s back against the steel, tagging Goldust in to rake the Samoan’s face against the chain links. Jimmy manages to turn another attempt to smash him into the cage into a near-escape, but Goldust catches him with an electric chair drop. Jimmy gets placed onto the turnbuckle as the announce team fellate the WWE Network to the point of workplace harassment. Goldust gets knocked back down to the floor, and Jimmy hits a corkscrew moonsault to the Bizarre One. Both men are down, but Jimmy gets the tag, as does Stardust. Jimmy is all over his opponent, with strikes and a Samoan Drop. Goldust tries to interfere, but gets a taste of the steel. Samoan Wrecking Ball to Goldust; Stardust almost eats Uso ass, but manages to counter with a sitout pin for a near-fall. He gets sent into the steel and takes a dropkick; Goldust hurls Jimmy into the steel, and then takes a superkick from Jey! Stardust hits Crossrhodes, but Jey kicks out at two!

Stardust is amazed at the kick-out, and decides climbing out’s a good move, but Jey manages to grab his leg, keeping him up there. Goldust boots Jimmy down, and those two head up to the turnbuckle as well. Stardust gets headbutted to the canvas; Jimmy superplexes Goldust and Jey nails Goldust with the Samoan Splash, but Stardust rolls Jey up for the win.

Decent match, but a good combination was dealt a poor hand with the ridiculous tagging premise and a finish we’ve seen used before. I’m starting to yearn for the end of this feud; Henry and Big Show should have taken the belts and been the huge mountain for the Usos to climb. 2 Stars.

We recap RAW, which was basically Randy Orton going from ‘fucking awesome’ to ‘injured, but still fucking awesome’. I actually like this Orton turn, because he’s now not just that guy they can throw into a match they need someone to get booed in. He’s always been at his most entertaining (for me) when he wants to kick the shit out of someone but will settle for whoever he runs into first, and I only wish he could have a match with Lesnar where he could bring this much ferocity. Seriously: WWE did something I’m happy about, and also made Rusev the US Champion (except they get no credit for that because they put the match on the Network; that was actually the first time I’ve ever typed ‘Sheamus vs.’ into the YouTube search bar before, and I felt dirty doing it). It’s been a decent week.

Kane shows up to the ring with the difficult task of rationalising the maiming of an employee whilst being yelled at by a crowd. He has, like, a weird job. Randy Orton is apparently being used as an example to the rest of the locker room, and if I was a guy whose job ostensibly came under the category of ‘hurting people’, and my employers plus four of their friends were threatening to concuss me, I’d have gotten a group of every other wrestler together and said ‘okay guys and gals, we’re going to break one leg per Authority member, which hopefully will put an end to this “threatening us with physical violence” policy. After that, beers are on me.’ I’m surprised John Cena hasn’t already led the WWE locker room out to the ring to a chorus of ‘Do You Hear The People Sing’. Kane says the battle lines have been drawn, and then picks out Dolph Ziggler, and says he could have had the world but, really, if he’d joined the Authority’s team he’d probably have jobbed to Cena. For avoiding that, Ziggler will fight Kane tonight in a steel cage. Okay…fair reason for having the Uso match early.

Kane starts talking about another potential member of Team ‘We’ve Only Got Two Full-Time Wrestlers’, but Cesaro cuts him off with his siren, which is a wussier version of Scott Steiner’s. And how dumb or masochistic is Cesaro that, after seeing what happened to Orton, he wants to hang out with those guys? Kane actually wasn’t thinking about Cesaro, which would have been an awesome moment for Cesaro to snap, beat Kane to a sobbing pulp and win both a place on the Authority’s Team and any ground he’s lost against Ziggler and Sheamus, and show Triple H’s fall into desperation as he makes any decision necessary to hold onto his power, but instead Cesaro will face Ryback. Hey, I’ll still watch it.

Ryback vs. Cesaro Really Looks Like Machoke Facing Machop

Ryback says ‘it’s feeding time’, which he should not ever do again ever. The WWE Rewind shows Ryback flattening Titus O’Neil, so this is totally anybody’s game. We come back to Ryback breaking out of a sleeper, but running into a big boot. Cesaro locks in the sleeper again, rolling the Big Guy over. Snapmare to Ryback, then a suplex for two. Apparently Rusev might join the Authority, which I’ll admit is a way Cena can pin him without having to wait until WrestleMania, with the added advantage of devaluing the US Title yet further. Ryback breaks out of a sleeper, although Cesaro is persistent, and drives the Swiss Superman into the mat with a spinebuster.

Meathook Clothesline levels Cesaro, but he breaks out of Shell-Shocked, throwing Ryback into the turnbuckle and booting him! Elbow from the top rope connects, and he rains punches down on Ryback. Suplex to Ryback is reversed, into a Shell-Shocked for the win.

This was okay; I’d be interested in seeing something full-length, as this was very short. 2 Stars.

Ryback isn’t getting paid to hang around, so gets out of the ring, and Kane stands in the ring, looking jilted. Chin up, ugly; you get to maul a blonde guy later.

The Bunny Stood Looking On. “O Brave New World, O Brave New World…”

Oh yay, it’s R-Truth. Blah blah what does this guy contribute blah blah get rid of him blah. He’ll be facing Adam Rose, in the moral lesson that speaking your mind means you have to fight a guy.

With the psychotic narcotics looking on, the two men lock up. Rose is knocked down with a shoulder block, and Truth mocks him through the medium of dance. Adam Rose leaps into R-Truth’s arms in response, which is surely something to avoid in a wrestling match. But then…this isn’t going to be a wrestling match, is it? More dance mockery, and Bunny starts dancing; JBL is so excited by this that I can only assume he’s rabidly humping Tom’s face whilst commentating. Adam Rose tries to have words with the man he forces to dress up as a rabbit for his drug-addled amusement, but R-Truth rolls him up.

Well, I guess this is the new stupid thing we’ll be watching. Although ‘stupid’ is a vague term. 1 Star.

Adam Rose hits the Bunny in the face, clearly having learned a thing or two from the Authority. The Rosebuds look shocked, but at Adam Rose’s encouragement, start dancing and partying again. Holy shit, the veil was just lifted there on a very twisted vision. Is the Exotic Express some sort of 1984 dystopia, where Rose rules through myriad tortures and all-pervading surveillance, quelling any disquiet through organised hatred directed toward Bo Dallas? Or is it more like Brave New World, where any feelings of dissatisfaction are removed and suppressed through the moulding of the Rosebuds to their station in life, plus a steady diet of awareness-numbing drugs?

The drugs one. It’s the drugs.

The Bunny gets back up, and Adam Rose stares at him until he cringes away. But it was alright, everything was alright, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother Adam Rose.

Well, turns out Christian’s still alive and employed. Good to know. Seems Ambrose will being continuing his tour of fake interview segments, although Christian’s doesn’t even get furniture now. He says unless his ears are deceiving him (they are), he has a lot of peeps in Albany. He asks if people want to see the Authority (who, by the way, are apparently less effective as a governing body than Adam Rose) or Cena triumph, and Ambrose interrupts. We replay the bullshit ending of Hell in a Cell and Christian asks him why, Bray, why?

Ambrose asks why anyone goes after anyone, and it’s because WWE Creative have not a fucking clue. He says he can play games too; he gets a thrill out of getting hurt and hurting others…and this brings out Bray Wyatt, who should really look into the fact that his lantern is billowing smoke. He tells Ambrose that he shouldn’t worry; he has nothing to lose. He rubs in the fact that the Shield broke up, even though it sort of looks like the Wyatt Family isn’t together now either. He offers to heal Dean, and on an interesting side note, I met a group of faith healers once and found them to be condescending assholes when not scamming people for money about their work. Bray references Daniel Bryan, which is way better than when the Bellas do it. Wyatt then taunts Ambrose about his incarcerated father, who apparently sends postcards from prison instead of, you know, letters or emails. Ambrose heads for Bray, apparently keen on demonstrating some of the shower-themed features of prison life to the fat bastard, but the lights go black, and Wyatt vanishes…

…only to reappear like one fucking inch behind Dean Ambrose, which is the most terrifying fucking thing I’ve seen outside of a fucking horror movie. FUCK. Oh, that just bought them this whole feud without a complaint from me; they can do what they want. Then Bray legitimately vanishes, and Ambrose, to his credit, looks more furious than afraid. Holy shit.

The commentary team try once again to use a Sheamus match to advertise the WWE Network, which is like making an advert for burgers set entirely in an abbatoir: it’s a component we’re not interested in knowing about. Also, they pussy out of their ‘this is only for customers of the WWE Network (and anyone else with an internet connection)’ by showing the end of the match, which is all most of us would even watch. Seriously, guys, I hate your strategy of censoring matches and only allowing people to watch them if they suckle at your poorly-thought-out and money-haemorrhaging teat, but it’s an exercise in futility if you don’t follow through on the threat. Come on; we’re going to complain about you anyway: be an asshole and don’t show it to us filthy, non-subscribing, UK-based pagans. Yeah, Britain still doesn’t have the Network, but on the lighter side, Sheamus passed out in a wrestling hold.

We recap something I missed from RAW, where Nikki ordered Brie to slap AJ and AJ decked her. In an interview with Renee Young, AJ absolves Brie from blame, but doesn’t apologise for punching her. Brie then appears to seemingly try to patch things up, and Nikki jumps AJ from behind. I fear that that wooden, wooden woman might actually hold the title. She tells Brie ‘try to be more sincere’, and that was so hypocritical I’m amazed Michael Cole didn’t ascend to his final form.

Wow, WWE, Too Real. Too Real.

Well, seems like Natalya’s got a match, and that’s something. Apparently Tyson Kidd is trying to win an award for being the Worst Partner of All Time, which is up against some stiff competition from Triple H (drugged, married and raped a woman) and Kane (killed a woman due to being drunk and driving, and then raped the corpse). Tyson is just sort of an asshole. Natalya’s facing Summer Rae, who starts things off with a stiff jab to the jaw.

Nattie goes for Summer, who takes her down with a swinging foot to the face. Summer wraps her legs around Nat’s waist, but she powers out of that, bodyslamming Summer as Michael Cole calls Tyson Kidd out on being such a piss-poor onscreen husband. This drives Tyson Kidd, who has a strange form of speech-impediment, to call ‘lock in the Sharpshooter!’, which somehow distracts Natalya enough for Summer Rae to pin her.

I assume this has something to do with Total Divas, but as I neither know nor care, that’s sort of redundant. Tyson Kidd is actually a fairly restrained parody of the entitlement oft present in couples these days, which is a part of this storyline which has caught my interest. But all I wanted was a real match. 1.5 Stars.

See, this is intense stuff: Tyson sabotaged his wife’s efforts, thus undermining her self-esteem and making him seem to be the more successful and dominant partner in their relationship, meaning that she won’t see him for the worthless parasite that he is and her sense of self-worth will begin to align with his fiction/fantasy of her, allowing him to act out his delusions of grandeur in real life. Guys? Girls? Do not be a Tyson Kidd, and do not enter into a relationship with a Tyson Kidd. Tyson Kidd is not the sort of person you need in your life (this writer acknowledges the likelihood that Tyson Kidd is probably a stand-up guy and a great husband in reality; his character is just a rat bastard).

Okay, between the dystopian undertones of the Exotic Express, the uncomfortably realistic themes of the Kidd/Neidhart marriage and Bray Fucking Wyatt, this has been a seriously dark SmackDown. But on a lighter note, a psychotic attempted-murderer burn-victim necrophiliac will now lock a former cheerleader in a cage and hurt him.

Jesus.

Kane’s future cheerleader-skinned rug is backstage with Renee Young, who has a history of having potentially-last conversations with Dolph; you’d think she’d have it in her to give him a hug, or at least end with a prayer. Triple H shows up, interrupting Ziggler’s shouting into the void, and extends another offer to join Team Authority, and then threatens Ziggler with Orton-like consequences. Shit, guys, form a mob and cripple him.

If Irony Happens In A Steel Cage Does That Mean It’s An Alloy?

Ziggler makes his way out to the cage, the condemned man who, let’s face it, could have lied to the Authority, joined their team and sabotaged them at Survivor Series, meaning he’d have them out of power and would have avoided weeks of this ‘getting beaten up’ bullshit. Then some crazy Wyatt-related eyes show up on the screen, so apparently that’s another aspect of this situation. Immediately after that the Big Red Machine comes out, and I would love it if it turned out Ziggler paid the APA enough money to beat the hell out of Kane before the match for the easy win. Actually, I’d just like to see one person employed by WWE demonstrate the slightest bit of devious cunning; it’s not been the same since CM Punk left.

Both men get locked in the cage, and it’s go time. Ziggler plays hard-to-get with his dodging, and takes Kane onto one knee with a dropkick before hitting a facebuster. First escape attempt of the match, and Kane stops it. He tries to hurl Dolph into the cage, but that just leads to Ziggler climbing back up. Finally, Kane manages to smash Ziggler’s face into the steel as we go to a commercial.

Back from the break, Kane is in firm control, and destroys any possible hope spot for Ziggler with a big boot. Ziggler gets pancaked into the corner, and Kane rips off the top turnbuckle. Because there wasn’t enough exposed metal in this match, I guess? Ziggler manages to capitalise, hitting his big DDT to down Kane. Another escape attempt from Dolph, but Kane heads up there with him, only for Ziggler to crotch the Big Red Machine on the ropes; Kane then does the exact same thing, and think about the fact that they both agreed with each other to do that spot.

Both guys are down, because they are guys with guy parts, but Ziggler finally leaps at Kane, only to be caught with an uppercut and knocked to the floor. Kane signals for the chokeslam, and almost hits it, but Ziggler leaps away at the last second, dashing back up the cage again. Kane catches him by the leg, hurling him back down to the mat. Chokeslam hits, but Kane doesn’t want the cover; he wants the Tombstone. Ziggler manages to wiggle out of it and hit the Zig-Zag for a tremendously close fall, but Kane does get the shoulder up.

Dolph has the least movement-efficient crawling ever, and you’d think the whole ‘both feet must touch the floor’ rule would prompt more superstars to head out of the cage backwards. But Kane does catch him, dragging him away from the door, only for Ziggler to kick him away. Kane comes back; Dolph ducks and superkicks him, but Kane rebounds right away with a clothesline; both men are down again.

Ziggler tries to escape again, really giving Kane as much time as he needs to catch him. Kane charges, but strikes the exposed turnbuckle (damn you, irony!), and Dolph climbs on Kane to escape the cage, as oppose to anything you could climb on that wouldn’t try to attack you. Ziggler gets to the outside of the cage, in front of the door, but Kane boots the door open, leaving Dolph to hang across it. Kane tries to escape, but Ziggler uses the door like a battering ram to slam into Kane’s face, and drops down to the floor for the win.

At first, it seemed like a fairly simple match, but the ending really elevated it. Great main event. 3 Stars.

On the whole, things seem sort of almost promising. I like typical Survivor Series match-ups, and some of the other feuds look decent. Honestly, though, I’ve been most amused this week by the really dark stuff I’ve been reading into the WWE’s product. But it’s something I enjoy, so hey. Eight for this week.

Movie Recommendation: Sunshine. My favourite science-fiction movie ever, even more than The Matrix. Some of the most brilliant…everything I’ve seen in a film. Plus, Cillian Murphy. You know…it’s Cillian Murphy.
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WWE SmackDown Moves Back To Thursday Nights http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/06/wwe-smackdown-moves-back-to-thursday-nights/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/11/06/wwe-smackdown-moves-back-to-thursday-nights/#comments Thu, 06 Nov 2014 16:50:53 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170724 Smackdown 500x250

 

SMACKDOWN® MOVES TO THURSDAY NIGHT ON SYFY

 

NEW YORK – November 6, 2014 The show that averages 3.1 million viewers on Friday nights and beats all Friday primetime viewing on any cable network is moving to Thursday nights on Syfy beginning January 15th at 8pm ET.  With nearly 800 original episodes, SmackDown is the second longest-running weekly episodic program in U.S. television history, only behind WWE’s other flagship program, Monday Night Raw®.

 

“Quite simply, more young men watch television on Thursday night than on Fridays,” said Michael Engleman, Executive Vice President, Marketing, Digital and Global Brand Strategy, Syfy. “Among Men 18-49, PUTS are 15 percent higher compared to Fridays, expanding the potential audience for SmackDown. Since the majority of broadcast programming skews female, we’re also using Thursday nights to counter program.”

 

“WWE’s sizable and passionate fan base make SmackDown the #1 entertainment show on Syfy and the most-watched, regularly-scheduled program among key demographics on the network,” said Michelle Wilson, Chief Revenue and Marketing Officer, WWE.  “We look forward to bringing the WWE audience to Thursday nights on Syfy.”

 

Over the past 15 years, SmackDown has been broadcast from 170 different venues, in 148 cities and towns, in seven different countries including the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Iraq, Japan, Italy and Mexico.  The name SmackDown came from WWE Superstar Dwayne “The Rock®” Johnson’s popular catchphrase, “Lay the Smackdown®.”

 

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 31, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/29/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-31-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/29/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-31-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 29 Oct 2014 05:58:31 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170631 They opened with the Halloween Costume Battle Royal. The winner gets a shot at A.J. Lee. Nikki, Paige, Fox and Natalya were the final four. Fox threw out Natalya. Then she and Paige went over the top together, leaving Nikki alone. Brie wasn’t there as she was in Santa Clara (Mania location) doing a Make a Wish rally at Buchser High School.

Kane and Rollins were out. More Halloween stuff. Kane challenged Dolph Ziggler to a rematch.

Kane b Ziggler with a choke slam and pin. He also kicked out of the Zig Zag. I’m at a loss for logic here.

Kane destroyed Ziggler after the match. then Rollins, Mercury and Noble all beat him down. Kane then told Ziggler that he has a second match booked tonight, against Rollins.

Rollins b Ziggler in 20 seconds with the curb stomip.

Heath Slater, dressed up like a scarecrow, did a promo yelling about John Cena. In the middle of his promo, Ryback came out.

Ryback b Slater in 1:00 with the shell shock.

Miz TV with Mark Henry was next. People weren’t happy with a second Miz TV at the same show, but Henry cut a great promo. He said Show was always trying to steal the spotlight. Show came out. Henry grabbed Miz and Mizdow and put them in front of Show. Show got past them and he and Henry went at it. Henry speared Show through a gimmicked barricade and Show was left laying.

Los Matadores b Goldust & Stardust in a non-title match. The crowd never bought Los Matadores. Stardust knocked Torito off the apron and he sold like he was knocked out. In all the confusion, Goldust was pinned.

Rusev b Great Khali in 1:00 with the accolade

Lana & Rusev did a promo. The next guy they are after is Sheamus and the U.S. title. He vowed he would hand the U.S. title to Vladimir Putin. Sheamus came out and challenged Rusev to fight right there but he backed off.

Bray Wyatt did an interview from a rocking chair. He did an anti-Halloween promo. He said Ambrose is just like him, a monster. He made some Sister Abigail comments.

Dean Ambrose b Cesaro in a trick or street match, which was a street fight. Usual street fight except pumpkins and skeletons and Halloween items were used. He put Cesaro’s head in a pumpkin and used the double arm DDT for the win. Cesaro was stumbling around with the pumpkin on his head.

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for October 24th 2014: “The Best Reason Not To Watch SmackDown” – BD http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/26/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-october-24th-2014-the-best-reason-not-to-watch-smackdown-bd/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/26/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-october-24th-2014-the-best-reason-not-to-watch-smackdown-bd/#comments Sun, 26 Oct 2014 11:22:03 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170555 Felicitations, guys and gals, and welcome to the go-home show review. The headlines this week: I spent my Thursday working in a kitchen which was literally flooding with a mix of corrosive alkaline solution and dirty dish water, so I currently hate everything and everyone but especially attempted comedy segments during wrestling shows. In other news, I’ve started this new thing where I don’t read the spoilers in advance of watching the show, in order to imbue this writing with a more genuine sense of innocent surprise and childlike wonder.

Holy fuckballs, it’s Dean Ambrose. We recap the return of cheap pops (and, coincidentally, Mick Foley) before Dean gets his hands on a microphone. Please don’t make a lot of bad puns; please don’t make a lot of bad puns…Ambrose says he’ll never not get back up: not because he’s indestructible or because he doesn’t get hurt, but because unlike Mick Foley, he’s never been a nice guy. God, now I really want an Ambrose/Foley match. All Ambrose wants: all he can possibly have is revenge on Seth Rollins. Shit, he’s actually selling that idea.

Topless Seth appears onscreen (why did I feel the need to mention the toplessness?) He says Ambrose doesn’t tell him what to do; he’s a strong, independent professional wrestler and he don’t need no man. He mocks Dean for being so invested in the Shield, and then says ‘it was me, Ambrose; it was me all along’. Fuck, that man just won the Attitude Era. He says vengeance is cheap and, like Ambrose, is worthless. What matters is future, and Rollins’ will begin after he disposes of Ambrose. He says he’ll then cash in his briefcase, and considering the last time he tried to do that it was on Brock Fucking Lesnar, I believe him. Ambrose fires up, yelling that the two of them will burn together, but Rollins will perish alone. Sold. Sold on this whole goddamn feud.

Apparently Big Show’s going to address the fact that Rusev, in the fine tradition of Eddie Guerrero, the entire nWo and various WWE referees before him, abided by the tradition ‘if you hop the barricade, you’re a dead motherfucker’ last Monday.

Damien Sandow Is Not Afraid To Commit. Ladies…

Oh lord in heaven, Los Matadores. Seriously: why are they still here? What possible value do they have in this incarnation? Although this situation is mitigated by a) chill Sheamus on commentary and b) Sandmiz having a match. I’d even accept it if they made him the WWE’s version of that character from arcade fighting games, and he just used a different wrestler’s moves and mannerisms every match: one week he’s the Big Show; the next he’s Paige. At some point he can get high and channel anyone from the Hall of Fame. And I’d watch it.

Sandmiz gets thrown into a corner, tosses Matador Uno over his shoulder but gets headscissored. Miz gets a tag, misses a punch and eats some chops and a boot to the face. He hangs Uno up on the ropes. Miz then hits the Clubbing Blows to the chest, leading to mild comedy gold from Sheamus. Awesome Clothesline to Uno, and Sandmiz tags back in, getting drop-toehold…ed on the ropes; Los Dos and Miz tag in, and Dos is all over the Miz, with strikes and a flapjack into the corner; senton to a standing Miz, but Sandmiz breaks up the pin before Uno tosses him. Miz throws out Uno, blocks a backstabber and then applies the Figure Four to Dos, as Sandmiz shoves El Torito down on the outside (best use of the bull ever) and applies the Figure Four to Uno. Dos taps and that’s the match.

Not a massive amount of material from Sandmiz, but I did appreciate the brief Sheamus-ing from Miz and Damien pushing El Torito over. 2.5 Stars.

Sheamus starts making threats, but takes his headset off halfway through, meaning we can’t hear him and, due to the music, neither can Miz. Smart guy, that Irishman. JBL says they need him on commentary more often: yes to that.

Dust Brothers are backstage, assumedly tripping balls again…and then suddenly Bo Dallas is there, and manages to derail and save the segment. That incredible smile.

They Don’t Have Any Ideas For Another Number One Contender For AJ

Alicia Fox is ready for her rematch against the champ, and if she was a guy and Swiss and freakishly strong, this would be a title match (that’s my way of saying that Cesaro has a title shot tonight; the Divas title does not have a really specific list of prerequisites for challengers).

Bell rings and they tie up. AJ wrenches the arm, but eats a forearm from Fox. Headscissors takes Fox down, and I get irritated when AJ brings out that move. Not because I don’t like the move, or athletic women’s matches, but because it always seems like she could lock in the Black Widow right there and game over. Still, willing suspension of disbelief. Fox comes back with a straight slap to the face, and then gets caught with a front facelock. She counters by slamming the champ into the corner and then hits her Northern Lights suplex.

Sleeper hold to AJ Lee, who tries to fight out but gets bodyslammed before she can. Fox chokes her on the ropes as Paige talks shit, but Alicia finally runs into a pair of knees. AJ fires up, but gets distracted as she goes after Paige, recovers, throws Fox into Paige and rolls her up for the win.

Very quick match, but decent. Apparently AJ and Paige were making some noise about how they could do a cell match, which probably isn’t high on the overall agenda of feminism, but still something I’d support. 2 Stars.

Wyatt promo. I really hope that at least one pregnant woman has written ‘IT’S COMING’ on her stomach.

We get shown the ‘We’re Not Wearing Pants’ interview with Michael Cole and the Big Show. Michael says that the Big Show is carrying the weight of an entire country on his shoulders, which still sounds like a shot at how heavy that tubby gent is. And stop calling Rusev ‘Russian’; he’s Bulgarian. Apparently we’re talking about when Rusev defended himself against a man trained to kill other men, who was the aggressor in that particular incident. And if he can’t take one kick to the face without acting like a bitch, is that the kind of soldier you want? And who wears a fucking combat uniform to a wrestling show? Big Show says that the flag is not about fabric and cloth and dye, which is a hundred percent what flags are all about. Big Show calls Rusev out for taking a cheap shot, and just watch how Guerrero hits the guy who knocks him off the ladder. Michael Cole acts like a real journalist for once, and asks Big Show to compare the flag-pulling incidents. Big Show straight up goes ‘I was wrong’, which actually surprised me. I think a wrestler just gave a better fake public apology than most politicians. We let both Show and Cole mutually masturbate over how fucking awesome the American armed forces are for a bit, so I kind of zone out for a bit, and we then go to Hulk Hogan? Oh God, they asked Hogan a question about international relations?! That man still thinks that Nikolai Volkoff is the Prime Minister of the Soviet Union! Well, that’s made this feud even more embarrassing. Big Show promises to knock Rusev out, and at this point I just hope that Brock Lesnar returns for an impromptu match against Rusev, doesn’t mention America even the once, and squashes the shit out of the guy. Seriously: that is my dream of how Rusev’s streak is broken. I would purposelessly feed him to Lesnar if it stopped the spread of patriotism.

You Can’t Do That On Free Television!

As an apology for…whatever anyone wants to call that (I’m going with ‘massive waste of my time’) we’ve got a Ziggler/Cesaro match for the Intercontinental Championship. WWE Creative must be amazing at making up with their partners. Both men make their way to the ring, so whoever our nasally new ring announcer is can do the introductions there for that big match feel.

Bell rings, and both men grapple, jockeying for control until they end up on the ropes. Cesaro waits until Ziggler lets go, then hits a knee. Ziggler is thrown into the corner; Cesaro follows him and hits a monkey flip, only for Dolph to land perfectly on his feet! Hip toss to Cesaro, who almost rolls up Ziggler before he can drop his elbow, but Ziggler counters that, then tries to roll him up again; the men trade pin after pin before Cesaro tries a clothesline, then eats a dropkick. Both men keep reversing Irish whips on the way to the corner, but Cesaro is able to hurl Dolph bodily into the steel post, sending the champ right to the outside as we go to break.

After the commercial break, we come back to find Cesaro in control, gripping Ziggler by the head, then applying a sleeper. Dolph nearly breaks out, but Cesaro applies the sleeper again, but Ziggler is able to reverse into a sleeper of his own; Cesaro tries to back suplex Ziggler; Dolph rolls onto his feet and applies the sleeper again! Cesaro finally breaks things up in the corner, but Ziggler comes right back, hitting and moving to take the Swiss Superman down. He gets caught in a powerbomb position, turning that into a roll-up, and then whirls all the way around Cesaro’s body to apply the sleeper again!

Cesaro smashes Dolph into the corner, and manages to suplex him. Ziggler comes back suddenly, looking for the DDT, but Cesaro slams him to the floor. Dolph nearly gets another roll-up before a big boot puts him down. Perfect double underhook powerbomb from Cesaro gets two as the crowd decrees that this, indeed, is awesome. Cesaro tries for the Swing, but nearly gets rolled up; Dolph tries his superkick; Cesaro catches it and goes for his uppercut! Ziggler spins him around and hits the Zig-Zag for the win!

That, hands down, is the best-wrestled match I’ve ever reviewed. That was a PPV-quality match; you couldn’t relax for a second during it. No hesitation in giving this thing 5 Stars.

Surely A P.A. Has Better Job Security Than Anyone Working For WWE

Well, hope you enjoyed that, because this is not going to be of the same quality at all. Okay, no, you know what? I’m being harsh here. Natalya is great in the ring. Brie and Nikki are not actually that bad; they just get bad press from me because I hate their onscreen personalities, their storylines and their hideous inability to act or even say words. Naomi’s given us a few decent matches; Cameron and Summer Rae can just GTFO. Also, it’s sort of strange that after…well, call it twenty years of apparent torment at each other’s hands, these gals seem to think that one month of personal assistant duty is going to settle everything. Plus, that sort of thing depends on you actually having some imagination and drive for that month; I’d probably get through the first week being a total bastard, and the next three would just involve me shrugging and going ‘I really wasn’t going to do much today. I mean…how are you at making Bolognese? Because if you’re not good, then I’d really rather make it myself.’

Brie starts off against Cameron, elbowing her way out of an arm-wrench, backflipping out of a hold but then getting clotheslined hard. Summer comes in, hitting a clothesline of her own. Brie fires up on the heel Divas, but gets taken down by the numbers. Summer, for God knows what reason, decides to then attack the face Divas, but walks right into a dropkick. Cameron, however, pulls Naomi away from the apron before the tag. Nikki tags in, and ends things with the Torture Rack.

That was okay. Surprised they had Nikki and Brie in the match together, but it was very fleeting and this might just be an indication of a Brie victory. And, looking back, I realised that Brie made no tags; probably didn’t want to show that they had better Divas than her to work with. 2 Stars.

Nikki gets on the microphone, and beat still my heart. Also, isn’t personal assistant to someone who makes, let’s face it, a pretty substantial amount of money a decent job? Something to put on your CV; adds to your skill set; you could get a reference from John Cena. The stipulation should be that the loser has to work in a place which is half-flooded with corrosive alkaline. Anyhow, Nikki calls Brie ‘Cinderbella’, which I want to be annoyed about, but I actually smiled, so damn.

We do ‘Hell in a Cell by the Numbers’, which is actually a lot better than it sounds. Although it’s not as good as a Hell in a Cell match featuring only accountants. And as much as I love Hell in a Cell matches, and I really do, this ‘themed PPV’ thing is killing its mystique. It used to be the one definitive way to a violent, nigh-murderous blood-feud; now we put Orton in a cell with ‘TBA’. Fuck’s sake. Even the Lesnar thing is not making me feel better, because I just can’t believe that the WWE is going to say ‘Cena’s had three matches against Lesnar in this last stretch; maybe the audience wants something new? Oh hell, can you imagine how awesome it would be if we sent in a dangerous, sick bastard of a heel against Lesnar? Man, nobody would know what to expect!’

Apparently Hulk Hogan says that John Cena will always be the champ. Wow, I wonder who he thinks will always be the president.

Bo Yeah

Oh, I was wondering where our six-man tag match was. But here’s the Usos, followed by Mark Henry; they will face Bo Dallas and the Dust Brothers. How the hell did it take this long for Goldust to get that bitching facepaint? Oh God, Hulk Hogan’s going to be on RAW.  It might be because he was well over the hill when I got into the wrestling scene properly, or his ridiculous and frankly desperate overuse currently, but the only joy I get out of seeing him is in an ironic sense.

Henry immediately goes for Bo Dallas, and considering the 0-3 record he has against Dallas I’d watch yourself, Mark. Stardust and Jey come in instead, giving us a taste of whatever tag team magic we’re in for this week. Stardust punches Jey down, but Jey comes back with a headbutt, tagging in Jimmy. Goldust tags in, but gets backdropped. Stardust tries to interfere, but is clotheslined out of the ring; Bo tries a cheap shot, but Henry runs him off as we go to a break.

Back from the break, the Dust Brothers are in control of who I believe is Jimmy; Goldust has him in a sleeper hold. The Dust Brothers say that they’re not science fiction; they’re science fact, which actually would make them just ‘science’, but hey. Goldust ducks one dragon kick, but Jimmy catches him on the rebound, tagging in Mark Henry. Bo runs right into a clothesline and a boot; Goldust is tossed out of the ring! Stardust nearly eats the World’s Strongest Slam, but rolls out of it…only to get kicked in the face by Jey! Jimmy hurls himself out of the ring onto Goldust, but Stardust catches Jey, tripping him so that he slams his face off the apron. In the ring, Bo is caught by Henry and headbutted. Stardust crossbody’s Mark, only to get World’s Strongest Slammed in truth this time. Bo catches Henry, hits the Running Bo-Dog and gets the win! Holy shit.

Good match. I am so happy about Bo getting the win, especially in the relatively clean fashion. 2.5 Stars.

Renee Young is backstage with Dolph Ziggler, and congratulates him on the win, but Cesaro is suddenly right there. I think Cesaro actually sounds more Swedish that Swiss, but then the guy does speak a lot of languages, so some of that’s going to creep in. Apparently members of my own family don’t know what my accent is supposed to be; feel free to check out the Trashy Ring Attire podcast and chime in with whatever the hell I actually sound like. The boys get into it, and Renee’s moving the microphone in time to catch both of their comments is oddly hilarious. We get a 2-out-of-3 falls match for the title at Hell in a Cell. Man, this is shaping up to a damn decent PPV.

Here’s Seth Rollins along with Noble and Mercury, showing up to a ring loaded with a bunch of stuff; it’s like an artist’s impression of Tommy Dreamer’s living room. He says that Ambrose thought he was the only one with a bag of tricks. Seth taught Dean Ambrose everything he knows, including how to make a resuscitation dummy look like Seth Rollins (which must have been a weird lesson; they were definitely high during that). He mocks the ‘you sold out’ chants and says at least he’s a winner. Rollins knows he’s never been in a cell before, but he’s studied under Triple H and knows that there are no rules. We turn to the table, and are…are those bolt-cutters? I mean…I’ve seen One Night Stand 2005, but…bolt-cutters. Rollins picks up the handcuffs, and a good portion of the arena seating gets a little damp as he talks about cuffing Ambrose. He then gets a screwdriver and makes a pun about ‘screw-up’: meh. He turns to what is lead pipe, and says he’ll use it to beat Dean to a pulp, as opposed to stuffing it with explosives and a rag, which would definitely let him beat Ambrose. He picks up the chair, and laughs about how he dissolved the Shield using one of them.

Rollins then yells about how they could settle things right here, right now, and calls Ambrose out. Oh man, RIP in peace, Noble and Mercury. But Dean doesn’t show up. Rollins laughs and says that Dean has always been all talk. Or maybe he’s too smart to show up here. You know what? Where’s Orton? He’s supposed to be pissed at Rollins. Seth says the equivalent of ‘the future’s bright; the future’s Rollins’, and we see him standing on the cell from Monday. But Ambrose is behind Seth when we come back, and wails on him with a kendo stick. Man, he attacked someone during a flashback? Rollins gets thrown into Noble and Mercury as Ambrose cries havoc. But Cruiserweight Security Incorporated gets involved, allowing Seth to level Dean with a clothesline.

Rollins sets up a table, but Ambrose comes back, nearly powerbombing Seth through it before Mercury stops him. Seth bails, leaving Ambrose alone with the two stooges. Clothesline to Noble; DDT to Mercury. Ambrose stares a hole through Seth, and then puts Mercury through a table with an elbow. The crowd chants ‘one more time’, and Dean obliges them with the use of Jamie Noble (JBL: ‘you can’t do that to Jamie Noble! That man once won the lottery!’). Seth strips off the shirt and acts like he’s going to make a move as the crowd actually chants ‘thank you, Ambrose’ in return for the second table spot: what a nice, bloodthirsty group of folks.

Good week, I must say: that’s what a go-home show should feel like. Ziggler and Cesaro definitely had the best match since Cena/Rollins from almost a year ago: maybe even better. Bo getting a win I definitely enjoyed, and the Seth/Dean segments were on point. Everyone aboard the Hell in a Cell train; this week gets an eight.
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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 17, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/15/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-17-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/15/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-17-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 15 Oct 2014 04:57:13 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170430 Dark Match

1. Kofi Kingston defeated Heath Slater. A good back and forth match. Kofi won with Trouble in Paradise in the match held prior to WWE Main Event.

WWE Smackdown Taping

The show opened with Seth Rollins coming out and talking about whether he sold out. He said he’s the future and spoke about his Hell in a Cell match against Dean Ambrose. Rollins said Ambrose doesn’t deserve to be in HIAC but rather a straight jacket. Dolph Ziggler came out talked about respect. Dolph drop kicked to start the match…

1. Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match. The crowd was pro Ziggler. Rollins was thrown outside and grabbed his knee. It was a pretty good back and forth match. Rollins went for powerbomb. Ziggler attempted to counter (did not look good). Rollins went for another one and hit a Curb Stomp for the win…

A.J. Lee was shown skipping backstage…

2. A.J. Lee defeated Layla. Alicia Fox and Paige were on commentary. Fox ran in afterward and was taken down by Lee, but Paige hit Lee with her finisher and then skipped inside the ring…

Sheamus and The Usos were interviewed before the six-man tag match, and then a Wyatt Family video was shown…

3. Sheamus and The Uso Brothers defeated The Miz (w/Mizdow), Goldust, and Stardust. Watching Sandow live is pretty funny, writes Arnaldo. There was a “let’s go Sandow” chant briefly. Sheamus won the match with a Brogue Kick…

Big Show was shown walking backstage… Big Show came to the ring for a promo and spoke about responsibility. He said he would pin Rusev at Hell in a Cell. Show called out Mark Henry and they talked about old times. Show said he needed to be on his own against Rusev. Rusev’s music played. Rusev and Lana spoke about how Show will let the United States down. Show cut him off and said he can’t crush him because he’s American made…

4. Nikki Bella defeated Naomi. Nikki won with her finisher. The crowd wasn’t really into the match…

Dean Ambrose and John Cena vs. Seth Rollins, Randy Orton, and Kane in a handicap street fight was hyped for Raw… Another Wyatt vignette was shown… Dean Ambrose was interviewed by Renee Young. He told Seth you can’t prepare for the unknown not even Dean knows what he is gonna do…

5. Dean Ambrose beat Kane (w/Seth Rollins) by DQ. A very slow match to start. Rollins grabbed the rope and a DQ was called. Rollins and Kane then powerbombed Ambrose and then attempted a Curb Stomp onto a chair. Ambrose grabbed the chair and was going to hit Seth with it, but he hit Kane instead. Ambrose was left in the ring and Seth was shown on stage

Dark Segment

The Wyatt Family came out as Dean was left in the ring. Kane, Rollins, and the Wyatt Family surrounded the ring. The heels assaulted Ambrose, but Dolph Ziggler, The Usos and later Sheamus ran out. The babyfaces eventually hit their spots Dean hit his finisher on Seth. The crowd was very into it.
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Trashy Ring Attire #12: Here Comes The Spain http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/14/trashy-ring-attire-12-here-comes-the-spain/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/14/trashy-ring-attire-12-here-comes-the-spain/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 10:00:09 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170365 Sorry for the delay everyone, but myself and Jonah finally present to you, the 12th episode of Trashy Ring Attire! We had a post-SummerSlam episode available that was sadly lost due to technical difficulties AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE OF US HAD A HEADSET THAT WASN’T RECORDING AUDIO SO DON’T EVEN TRY TO POINT FINGERS ‘CAUSE WE AIN’T EVEN BOUT THAT SON

Anyway, welcome to Episode 12 of Trashy Ring Attire! This month’s guest is David Spain, the coolest and best recapper currently on Inside Pulse!

A link to listen to is posted below, AND WE ARE NOW ON ITUNES! THE OCCUPATION IS OVER! LONG LIVE THE RESISTANCE! Thanks to the Classy Ring Attire boys for setting us up, head over to iTunes and search “Trashy Ring Attire” and subscribe – new episodes will download automatically to your iTunes when available!

Also now available… one-click free download link!

Or traditional online streaming:

This month we discuss:

  • Our newest segment introduced by BD, titled “FUCK THAT GUY!” Who will win the first ever FUCK THAT GUY? Listen and find out!
  • SummerSlam & Night Of Champions
  • Brock / Cena and Brock has Champion
  • The most recent Classy Ring Attire Episode
  • David succumbing to traditional stereotypes and drinking a martini the entire episode!

And lots more! As always, we hope you enjoy.

Next month… frequent Classy Ring Attire guest, Beardsley! He most recently watched the Hornswaggle movie! Listen at your own risk. Also, the most recent Classy Ring Attire episode, Blair filled in for a sick Chris. Check that one out on iTunes!

Thanks for listening and thanks to David Spain for coming on TWICE and being patient with our technical glitches!

Keep it trashy!

BD & Kue
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WWE Celebrates 15 Years of SmackDown (PLUS: Interesting Fact & Photos) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/10/wwe-celebrates-15-years-of-smackdown-plus-interesting-fact-photos/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/10/wwe-celebrates-15-years-of-smackdown-plus-interesting-fact-photos/#comments Fri, 10 Oct 2014 18:45:54 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170314 WWE Logo 2014 - 500x250

 

WWE CELEBRATES 15 YEARS OF SMACKDOWN 

TONIGHT ON SYFY

 

STAMFORD, Conn., October 10, 2014 WWE will air a special 15th Anniversary episode of SmackDown, tonight at 8 p.m. ET/PT on Syfy. With nearly 800 original episodes, SmackDown is the second longest-running weekly episodic program in U.S. television history, only behind WWE’s other flagship program, Monday Night RawAveraging 3.1 million viewers each week, SmackDown beats all Friday primetime viewing on any cable network.

As part of the 15th Anniversary show, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will appear in a special segment.  Tonight’s SmackDown will be the 790th episode for the series.  In comparison, Saturday Night Live has aired 766 episodes since it began in 1975, Gunsmoke aired 635 episodes from 1955-1975, Lassie aired 591 episodes from 1954-1973 and The Simpsons has aired 552 episodes since it began in 1989.

As part of the festivities, celebrities including Ben Roethlisberger, Cedric The Entertainer, Kyle Busch, Snoop Dogg, William Shatner and others will share photos from their WWE experiences on their social media platforms.

Prior to the 15th anniversary episode, fans can watch the WWE Network special Edge and Christian’s 15th Anniversary SmackDown Show that Totally Reeks of Awesomeness, featuring WWE Hall of Famer Edge and WWE Superstar Christian, offering entertaining insight into the greatest moments from SmackDown’s 15 year history.  The program is now available as part of WWE Network’s video-on-demand library, containing more than 2,000 hours of content.

 

15 YEARS OF SMACKDOWN MOMENTS

SmackDown 15 (1) SmackDown 15 (2) SmackDown Action
July 13, 2004
Providence, RI
Photo: David O Gunn SmackDown 15 (4) SmackDown 15 (5) SmackDown 15 (6) SmackDown 15 (7) SmackDown 15 (8) SmackDown 15 (9) SmackDown 15 (10) SmackDown 15 (11) UnderTaker v Kurt Angle, Mark Henry SmackDown 15 (13) SmackDown 15 (14) SmackDown 15 (15) SmackDown 15 (16) SmackDown 15 (17) SmackDown 15 (18) SmackDown 15 (19) SmackDown 15 (20) SmackDown 15 (21)

 

“DID YOU KNOW” FACTS ABOUT SMACKDOWN

 

  1. The name SmackDown came from WWE Superstar Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s popular catchphrase, “Lay the Smackdown.”
  1. SmackDown has been broadcast from 170 different venues, in 148 cities and towns, in seven different countries including the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Iraq, Japan, Italy and Mexico.
  1. It would take more than two months of uninterrupted viewing to watch every episode of SmackDown back-to-back.
  1. WWE Superstar John Cena made his WWE debut in June 2002 on SmackDown.
  1. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar competed in a 60-minute Iron Man match on SmackDown in September 2003.
  1. Brock Lesnar and Big Show fought to a no contest when the ring collapsed after Lesnar superplexed Big Show on SmackDown in June 2003.
  1. Stephanie McMahon was the first SmackDown general manager while Teddy Long has the longest total tenure as a SmackDown general manager.
  1. Mr. McMahon won his only WWE Championship on SmackDown on September 16, 1999 when he defeated Triple H with Shane McMahon as special guest referee.
  1. The first Friday episode of SmackDown was on September 9, 2005 and featured Batista defeating JBL in a Bull Rope Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship.

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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 10, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/08/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-10-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/08/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-10-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 08 Oct 2014 04:55:22 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170305 Prior the taping, Paul Heyman made an unadvertised appearance and drew mega heat.

JBL is introduced to a mild pop followed by Lilian Garcia. She welcomed Philly to Smackdown 15 and pumped the crowd up for the opening. The signature aired followed by classic clips of Smackdown through the years. Notable was the focus on Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy throughout the highlights.

Smackdown has a new opening theme which will take some getting used to. Lilian introduced Smackdown’s first GM Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie plugged WWE Network by pointing out that The Rock coined the phrase Smackdown and noted that her husband Triple H had beaten Rock. She led the crowd in a brief $9.99 chant.

Stephanie was interrupted by John Laurinaitis, who got a People Power chant. He also pimped the Network. Out next was Teddy Long, who got a pretty big pop.

Teddy and Johnny get into a back and forth over their storyline heat from back in the day. They actually got into an argument over the booking of Teddy’s favorite match – the tag match. The result was Teddy actually trying to book a 15-man tag match which was pretty damn funny. Stephanie suggested that Teddy and Johnny each pick a team and that whoever’s team won would result in that man being declared the greatest GM of all time.

Stephanie said that Miz will host a face to face between John Cena and Dean Ambrose. Adam Rose and his crew, including the Bunny, interrupted and actually got a pretty loud pop. Rose told Steph not to be a lemon and she promptly booked him against Kane as punishment…

During the commercial break, we get a clip from the first Smackdown featuring The Rock vs. Triple H with HBK as the special referee. We also got a Network plug…

Back from break, Rose did the trust fall. Kane headed to the ring cutting a promo saying he is not a cheeseburger, lemon, or a Rosebud. He is, however, a party pooper…

1. Kane defeated Adam Rose. Kane squashed Rose in under a minute with a chokeslam. The Rosebuds tended to Rose. Kane destroyed all of the Rosebuds with the exception of The Bunny, which would have popped the hell out of me…

The next Smackdown clip was Cena’s debut against Kurt Angle…

2. A.J. Lee defeated Alicia Fox (w/Paige). There were brief CM Punk chants that died quickly. Fox was in control and once again the Punk chants picked up with an AJ chant mixed in for good measure. AJ went over with Black Widow, but before Lilian could finish her announcement, Paige attacked Lee. AJ fought off Paige and Fox to end the segment…

3. Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury, Jamie Noble) beat Kofi Kingston. Rollins got a mild “You Sold Out” chant before the match started. Rollins started the match off very aggressively and was beating the hell out of Kofi, who made a brief comeback but was cutoff with a neckbreaker. Rollins played to the crowd and drew some damn good heat. Kofi came backs and went on a nice run before getting shut down with a buckle bomb followed by The Curb Stomp…

A Bray Wyatt/Luke Harper promo aired. The visual of a darkened arena that is lit by only cellphones is one of the coolest visuals in pro wrestling history…

Out next were Dolph Ziggler followed by Rusev and Lana… The next Smackdown moment was a collection of MITB cash-ins over the years. Footage of The Rock/Rusev confrontation from Raw aired…

4. Rusev (w/Lana) defeated Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match. The match started with Ziggler dodging Rusev until he got caught. There was a brief USA chant. Rusev controlled much of the match with Ziggler bumping his ass off as usual to make Rusev look like a beast. The crowd fired up the USA chant again but they once again don’t pick up steam. A small “Let’s Go Ziggler” chant got going but was drowned out by USA chants. After several minutes of Rusev offense, Ziggler woke up the crowd with some flashy offense but it was not enough, as he was crushed and forced to submit to The Accolade…

Afterward, Lana cut a promo trashing Philly and The Rock. Rusev said Rock will pay as well as Big Show. He challenged Show to a match on Raw. The Russian flag dropped and that ended the segment. This promo drew amazing heat live…

The next Smackdown moment was one of my favorites of all time with Steve Austin beating the hell out of Booker T in a supermarket… Lilian put over the Philly chapter of Susan G. Komen and a brief video airsed… The Philadelphia Eagles players got some camera love to a nice pop…

A backstage segment aired with Rock, Triple H, and Stephanie reminiscing about their Smackdown history through the years. Rock teased him and Triple H going at it one more time and the crowd popped huge. Things started to get a little tense between the two as they teased a future WrestleMania match. Steph stepped in and called both guys winners and suggests they go get something to eat. This segment is funny as hell and is a must watch on Friday Night…

Lillian introduced another former Smackdown GM in Booker T, who got an initial loud pop that died quickly. Booker was on commentary for the next match…

5. Team Teddy (Sheamus, Mark Henry, The Usos, Los Matadores, El Torito, and Jack Swagger) beat Team Johnny (Goldust, Stardust, Heath Slater, Titus O’ Neil, Damien Mizdow, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, and Hornswoggle in the silly ass Gator outfit). It didn’t take long for things to break down as the heels regrouped on the outside. A small but pretty vocal “Sexual Chocolate” chant was heard throughout the match. Everybody got a chance to shine, but the most notable thing about this match was how over Mizdow was, which I hope WWE takes notice of because the guy is being criminally wasted. After several minutes of pretty forgettable action Sheamus was tagged in to a huge pop and went on a tear that included hitting his trademark ten clubs on Ceasro, Stardust, and Heath Slater at the same time. The Usos hit dives on the heels which popped the crowd. Ceasro, after months of non-use, broke out the Ceaaro Swing, which the crowd ate up. In the end the Usos took out Mizdow with a superkick/splash combo giving Team Teddy the win…

A Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan promo aired…

The next Smackdown moment was Stone Cold destroying the DX Express…

In what was most likely a dark segment, Team Teddy was still in the ring. Teddy’s theme played as he did his trademark dance. Booker T entered the ring and pumped the crowd by asking if they want to see a 15th anniversary spinnaronni from each member of Team Teddy. First up was Mark Henry followed by the Usos. Next was Los Matadores and Torito, Sheamus, and Swagger. Teddy even did one, which was pretty bad. Sheamus pointed out that the announce team should also do spinnaroonies. So we got one from JBL, and Booker finished us off. This was entertaining but a bit long…

The Royal Rumble is confirmed for Philly on January 25…

Kofi Kingston came out and demanded another match with Seth Rollins. Rollins came out with Mercury and Noble for the match…

6. Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury, Jamie Noble) defeated Kofi Kingston. Rollins dominated the match for the most part. Kofi made a comeback but not enough as the match ended the same way as their previous one. My guess is that this was a re-take as there was a slight botch with the finish of the original match.

Miz TV with John Cena and Dean Ambrose was up next. Miz is introduced to little reaction… The next Smackdown moment was the 9/11 tribute show..

The Miz started off the segment putting himself over followed by covering what happened between Cena and Ambrose on Raw. Miz said the match between Ambrose and Cena at HIAC will now be a No Holds Barred Contract on a Pole match. Whoever gets the contract gets Rollins in HIAC. When the hell did WWE put Vince Russo back on payroll?!?! Miz introduced Ambrose and Cena. Ambrose got a nice pop and Cena got the usual mixed reaction. Miz pointed out that Ambrose embarrassed Cena on Monday. Ambrose said that he wanted to show Cena that he takes crap from no one and that at HIAC Rollins belongs to him.

Miz gave Cena the chance for a rebuttal. Cena went into hyper mode and actually got a damn loud pop from the crowd after a little sucking up, of course. He put over Ambrose as a guy who speaks his mind. Cena pulled out two baseballs and said those are what it takes to make it in WWE. He than proceeded to bury Miz for having no balls. Cena went into preacher mode putting over Ambrose and their match at HIAC.

Miz stirred the pot by pointing out all of Cena’s accolades to Ambrose asking him if he thinks he can beat him. Ambrose responds “Yup.” Funny. Miz attempted to do the same deal to Cena, but Cena cut him off and basically told Miz that Mizdow is better than him, which led to Sandow getting another big pop. The segment ended with Cena and Ambrose beating the hell out of Miz. Cena gave Ambrose his receipt from Monday by hitting him with the Attitude Adjustment to conclude the Smackdown taping.

Dark Segment

Kane came out and told Cena that he made a mistake by taking out Ambrose with the AA, as he is booking himself and Rollins against Cena and Ambrose.

1. John Cena and Dean Ambrose defeated Seth Rollins and Kane. The heels worked over Cena for a few minutes as Ambrose sold being pissed off at ringside. Cena made a hot tag to Ambrose, who went on a tear ending with him and Cena hitting their finishers for the win. Cena and Ambrose played a game of can you top this with crowd reactions with Ambrose winning. Overall, a fun night of wrestling in Philly.

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Its SmackDown’s 15th Anniversary! http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/06/its-smackdowns-15th-anniversary/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/06/its-smackdowns-15th-anniversary/#comments Mon, 06 Oct 2014 19:20:33 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170271 Smackdown 500x250

 

In celebration of SmackDown’s 15th Anniversary, the WWE Network will air a special program titled Edge and Christian’s 15th Anniversary SmackDown Show that Totally Reeks of Awesomeness, immediately following tonight’s Raw.

One of WWE’s most entertaining duos will reunite for a look back at the show that changed the face of broadcast television.  Viewers will join Edge and Christian for a trip down memory lane to relive some of the greatest moments throughout the 15 year history of SmackDown.

The Network will continue airing classic episodes of SmackDown throughout this week.
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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for October 3, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/01/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-3-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/10/01/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-october-3-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 01 Oct 2014 05:39:05 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170241 The Groundhog Day episode of Smackdown tonight:

John Cena wanted Seth Rollins out. Dean Ambrose wanted Seth Rollins out. Cena asked Ambrose for a truce for tonight. The Authority showed up on the video sreen and Kane announced that tonight’s main event would be Cena & Ambrose vs. Kane & Orton.

Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler b The Miz & Damien Mizdow when Ziggler pinned Mizdow. Sheamus laid out Mizdow after the match.

The first vignette of the new Luke Harper aired.

Paige b Naomi. A.J. was at ringside and attacked Alicia Fox.

Big Show came out and said that he may have gone too far when he pulled down the Russian flag. He said that he liked most Russians and said that he realizes he’d have been angry if they did the same thing to the American flag. He apologized to everyone in Russia. Rusev then came out and attacked Show with the flagpole.

Usos b Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil.
The Bunny attacked Hornswoggle at ringside.

Cesaro b R-Truth with the Neutralizer

John Cena & Dean Ambrose b Randy Orton & Kane via DQ when Seth Rollins interfered.

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WWE Notes: Smackdown Match, Main Event, WWE Network Launch Delayed in UK http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/30/wwe-notes-smackdown-match-main-event-wwe-network-launch-delayed-in-uk/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/30/wwe-notes-smackdown-match-main-event-wwe-network-launch-delayed-in-uk/#comments Tue, 30 Sep 2014 04:11:21 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170223 Some news and notes for WWE…

WWE is taping Smackdown and other shows tomorrow night.

Smackdown is so far scheduled to feature a tag match pitting Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler vs. Miz & Damien Mizdow

The live Main Event show on WWE Network will feature Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas.

The WWE Network was due to launch in the United Kingdom on October 1, 2014. However, no details had been released and tonight on Raw it was revealed that the launch was delayed 1 month to November 1st. The reason given was discussions with potential partners, but no further information.

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 26th 2014: You Get A Title Match; You Get A Title Match; EVERYONE GETS A TITLE MATCH!! http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/26/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-26th-2014-you-get-a-title-match-you-get-a-title-match-everyone-gets-a-title-match/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/26/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-26th-2014-you-get-a-title-match-you-get-a-title-match-everyone-gets-a-title-match/#comments Sat, 27 Sep 2014 00:34:05 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170175 What’s up, comrades in arms? Yep, we’re at war together again, because somehow, someway, we managed to find another enemy to liberty and democracy to inflict civilian casualties and drone strikes on. According to a newspaper I walked past today, us Brits have put three years out there as a ballpark figure. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t re-use the old ‘over by Christmas’ thing; it’s the hundredth year anniversary, after all.

I’m also surprised we didn’t just send in Brock Lesnar and nobody else; it makes perfect strategic sense and then I couldn’t complain about him not being on SmackDown because that would make me a communist or something. You guys still hate communists, right? I think you had a war or something.

Dean Ambrose Obviously Watched The Marine IV

Miz is already in the ring, watching the arrival of Dean Ambrose. Okay, if these gimmicks are to be believed, that’s like making Brad Pitt fight a homeless guy. But then, that’s the first hour of Fight Club

Miz tries to jump Ambrose, who goes after him and Miz ducks out of the ring. Tyler Durden, you fucking pussy. Back in the ring, Ambrose takes the advantage with a headlock takeover, gets shot off the ropes and knocks the Miz down, then tries to roll him up. Dean winds up for a punch, but Miz ducks again, this time hanging Ambrose up on the ropes. Miz immediately goes on the assault, but Dean blocks a hip toss, tries for a punch and Miz ducks out for a third time. Back in the ring again, Ambrose takes Miz out at the legs, dropping punches and then clawing at the A-Lister’s face.

Chop and kicks to Miz in the corner, but the Awesome One hits a thumb to the eye, then his weird neckbreaker for a two count. Miz stays on offence, dropping stomps to Ambrose. JBL comments that the fact that Ambrose is willing to hurt himself is why we like him so much. I don’t know what kind of friends JBL has, but that’s never been part of my criteria; I like hookers and nuns. Dean hits a dropkick, sending Miz out of the ring once again, then crossbodies onto him and hurls him into the barricade. Damien Sandow yells at Ambrose, distracting him enough that Miz can hit a big boot. When we come back, Miz has Ambrose in the corner, stomping a mudhole. He runs at Dean, but Ambrose explodes out of the corner, taking him down. If you listen to the commentary, you actually find out how Ambrose got out of the locked room; apparently it had two doors. I mean…yeah, there’s a lot of evidence that the Authority are really not that bright, which is sort of what happens when you’re villains on a show aimed at children, but why isn’t Cena’s and Ambrose’s plan just to wait until these people manage to lock themselves in their own cars and suffocate? I swear, that’s what Bryan and Reigns are up to: there’s no surgery going on; the two of them are just playing the waiting game. Ambrose fires up, throwing shots at the moneymaker and then hitting clotheslines and a crossbody. Miz gets clotheslined out of the ring, and Dean dives through the second ropes onto him. Sandow tries to almost get himself some; Miz almost rolls up a distracted Dean, but Ambrose fights out, hitting a tornado DDT from the second rope for a near-fall.

Dean heads up high, and Sandow gets involved again, only to get clobbered in the face for his efforts. Miz makes good use of the opening, however, having the wherewithal to catch Ambrose’s flying dropkick and apply the Figure-Four! Ambrose reaches the ropes without much issue, then kicks away a second submission attempt, rebounding off the ropes to clothesline Miz to the ground.

At this point Rollins and Kane show up, looking pretty swag, and Dean gets distracted once again, allowing Miz to nearly hit the Skull-Crushing Finale before Ambrose almost off-handedly counters that into Dirty Deeds for the win.

This was decent. Ambrose had it all his own way, which he should have done, except for when a distraction allowed Miz to take advantage, which was the only way he should have done that. Smartly wrestled, and kudos to Sandow for being the most useful ringside figure ever. Good match. 2.5 Stars.

Kane and Rollins approach the ring, climbing up into the ring. Ambrose immediately goes after Seth and puts up a valiant effort against both men, low-bridging Kane out of the ring. Rollins hits a high knee, but Ambrose rebounds and levels him with a clothesline! Kane comes back as Ambrose grabs the briefcase and fucks right off. Oh hell, it’s getting really difficult to decide whether Seth’s or Dean’s antics are the more amusing; this is the greatest break-up ever.

Backstage, the Dust Brothers are still doing their WE’RE HIGH OFF OUR FUCKING BALLS schtick. Apparently the Tag Team Titles were the cosmic key, so…I’m going to have to put my hand up and admit that I was wrong about them forgetting that whole motivation. Although now I sort-of demand to know what they needed them for; even if the reason is ‘so Cody can lick them’.

Oh, and Big Show apparently took offence to Rusev knocking about his ‘I’m not a racist because I have a’ black friend Mark Henry, so we’re having a match. If they end Rusev’s streak on SmackDown, I swear I won’t know whether to feel pity, disgust or triumph.

It Must Be Weird For Ziggler Not To Be Competing In This

We’re set for a battle royal to name the number one contender to Ziggler’s IC Championship. I sort of feel like we skipped over Miz getting a rematch, but on the other hand I would rather never watch Miz do anything ever again, so I can roll with this. Okay, so some of the big names here are Jack Swagger and Cesaro. I see Bo Dallas in there already, plus Kofi and Langston. Wow, that’s actually it. Bo eliminates a Matador. Wow, how am I actually supposed to call this thing? Seriously; even the cameramen aren’t honing in on anything in particular. How do comic book villains watch their wall o’ televisions? Oops, there goes Sin Cara. Justin Gabriel’s still alive: who knew. Another Matador goes out. Bo Dallas gets triple-teamed by three black guys, and hands up whoever’s typed that into a search engine. Justin Gabriel is eliminated by Kofi. Oh, and there goes Xavier Woods at the hands of Cesaro, and Cesaro actually presses Langston up over his head before Titus jumps him. Man, that used to be the way to do it in the SmackDown games: pick a big guy, set up a Royal Rumble full of women and cruiserweights, then just gorilla press them right out of the ring. And sometimes, I would still lose. Oh, I also found out yesterday that the department store I work at sells a Heath Slater action figure. I mean…yeah. I want to find the buyer for that particular selection so I can have a frank discussion with them; I’m all for charity work, but come on. Cesaro manages to hurl Big E out as we go to break.

Back from the break, Swagger, Cesaro and Bo are still around, and Michael and JBL yell at Tom to be more enthusiastic. Yep, after every single match that those guys have barely paid attention to; hypocrisy, thy name is ‘them two fuckers’. Oh wow, Zack Ryder’s still there, and as I literally type that he gets eliminated. Out goes Titus after him. Holy hell, Slater’s still there…and now he’s not. Wow, I am the kiss of death. Okay, Sandow’s in there; that snakey bastard. If he wins the title, does Miz have to carry around the replica? Except that’s not an issue, as everyone decides that a stunt double is not a non-punchable career, and he gets thrown out. Final four with Swagger, Kofi, Bo and Cesaro. Kofi nearly goes out, and almost eliminates Bo with a skin-the-cat headscissors, before his pendulum kick takes Bo out. Cesaro gets floored with a kick, and Jack hits the Swaggerbomb. Kofi comes off the top to land on Jack’s shoulders, prompting Swagger to stagger (hah!) the entire way across the ring, before collapsing in front of the corner, dropping Kofi face-first into the ropes: that looked nasty and unplanned, so I guess the Curse of Jack Swagger is still there. Oh, but he goes for the Swaggerbomb anyway, only for Cesaro to leap out in Kofi’s defence, getting Jack on the apron. Kingston comes back, miraculously not injured after his brush with…Jack Swagger, and Cesaro nearly eliminates him. Kingston almost returns the favour, with Cesaro escaping. Kofi is thrown into Jack; Cesaro catches him, presses him and hurls him into Swagger, eliminating both men!

Okay, that was fun. Excellent ending, and thank God Kofi wasn’t incapacitated by that sick rope bump. I’d say the right guy won, but it could have been any of the final four and it would be a good match against Ziggler. 3 Stars.

The Usos are walking down the corridor when Renee Young stops and asks them to do their impression of the Rock. They oblige and it’s awful and they seem pretty lackadaisical for guys heading into a title match.

UUUUUUOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH…

It’s tag team time as the Usos will seek to reclaim the Giant Penny belts from Goldust and Stardust. Both teams make their way to the ring, and are announced once present, to give it that big-match feel. Goldust’s facepaint is goddamn bitchin’ tonight. Almost a shame it’ll last for ten seconds after he tags in. Stardust and Jey to start things off, Stardust scoring a hip toss but then getting rolled-up and chopped. Jey hits a bodyslam, and then clotheslines the oddity out of the ring. Goldust joins him on the outside and the Usos hit dives in stereo as we go to break.

Back from commercial, the Usos are in control as Jey gets a two-count. He gets backdropped onto the apron, then distracted by Stardust so Goldust can take control, finally getting dropped to the floor. Stardust slams Jey’s head off the announce table whilst yelling ‘WHERE’S THE KEY, COLE?!’ and yeah, Michael, where the fuck is it? The ref distracts Stardust enough that Jey nearly makes break for it, but the Dusts are having none of it, and in comes Goldust, wrenching the arm.

Jey keeps on fighting, only for Goldust to slip out of a Samoan drop and rock the arm yet again before tagging in his brother. More punishment to the arm and in comes Goldust, keeping on the heat. He rips off Jey’s shirt, and that’s how I’ll be telling these two apart. Jey’s taken down again, and here’s Stardust. Jey finally rocks Stardust’s world with a clothesline, crawling to the corner, but Goldust comes back, only to get thrown out of the ring; he comes back once again, but gets Samoan dropped! Tag made, and here’s Jey and Stardust. Jey is a house of fire, hitting every move in the book on the both Dusts. He hits the Samoan Wrecking Ball on Stardust, but misses a kick and gets dumped on the outside. Goldust tries to throw himself in a somersault at the Usos, but they catch him and throw him into the barricade, before Stardust takes out both Jimmy and Jey.

Everyone’s down, with Stardust up first, throwing Jimmy in the ring and following for a two count. He heads up to the top rope, thinking moonsault, but Jimmy gets Stardust on his shoulders; Jey heads up to the top…Doomsday Device! Doomsday Device to Stardust! Jimmy tags in Jey for the splash…and Goldust breaks up the pin with titles.

Ah, that was nice. Honestly, the Usos are just great, and whilst the Wyatt matches were better, this rivalry has promise to it. And, I mean, come on. A Doomsday Device. On a 2014 SmackDown. That’s me happy. 3 Stars.

At this point, I don’t think we can say the Usos aren’t the chosen ones of the tag team world right now. What I really want is for Henry and Show to get the titles off the Dusts, and that’s who the Usos reclaim the belts from.

We relive Grand Theft Ambrose (which actually makes it sound like someone stole Ambrose, really). Then we go backstage, and Seth is bitching with his shirt off, and I’m in a very happy relationship with a woman but may I just say: DAMN. Seth wants the briefcase back, even though I’m pretty sure he still has the title shot without it. And hell, with the cinder blocks, the briefcase isn’t even his primary weapon.

Well, At Least There’s No Bellas

It’s another tag match, with Rosy-Cheeks Mendez and Natalya vs. Layla and Summer Rae. And this isn’t even me trying to make up any kind of heterosexual ground, but Natalya looks stunning with her hair like that (that wasn’t even me making up any kind of heterosexual ground). Natalya goes right for Summer Rae, who literally screams and runs away. Layla tags in, immediately getting schoolboyed for one, then hits a kick to the stomach. Natalya chain wrestles, before Layla counters an armdrag into a nice pin. Sharpshooter’s attempted and Layla immediately tags out; Nat brings Summer Rae in the hard way and levels her with that spinning clothesline. Suplex to Summer, and then knees to the corner as the ex-dancer screams. Wow, that actually just resembled assault, and I mean that in the chilling way rather than the ‘Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at SummerSlam’ way. Nat backs off, and this is apparently a Total Divas thing, so I guess that show’s still on.

Summer suckers Nattie in and brings her face into the turnbuckles, going on the offensive enough to tag out. Layla and Summer exchange frequent tags: the sign of a good tag team, I believe. Layla chokes Nat on the ropes and hits a dropkick before Summer comes back, applying a front facelock complete with legs wrapped around the waist. Shades of Jamie Noble: the security man who Ambrose seems to think he’s feuding with. Summer pulls Nat down by her hair, but Natalya still gets the tag. Rosa comes in and everyone goes wild, probably in the hopes of more nudity because there is no other reason, I assure you. Michael calls her ‘Latina heat’, and that was more insulting than any other reference WWE has made to Eddie Guerrero. Rosa hits a godawful clothesline, then a godawful dropkick and then Layla kicks her in the head. Natalya ejects Summer; Layla ejects Natalya and she rolls Rosa up for the pin, using the tights.

I’m not sure why we’re supposed to be excited about Rosa; she hit exactly two moves and both looked terrible. I mean…that’s not even unfair to say. Natalya should be doing better, more title-related things; her and Layla’s exchange to open had some really good moments to it. 2 Stars.

JBL tries to ship Michael and Tom, like the randy Texan pervert that he is.

We go back to Main Event, and apparently Mark Henry did an apology that wasn’t really an apology, but at least he wasn’t wearing his Salmon Suit of Betrayal. And then Big Show showed up and said, ‘I’ll do what you can’t do, making you look inferior to me, and that’ll totally cheer you up, right?’

Renee Young is backstage with Big Show. Oh wow, she is a tiny, tiny woman. He talks about Henry, saying that he has the world’s largest heart. Well, that sounds sort of like a health risk. And as we watch, Big Show gets taken over by the American patriotic fervour. He says that freedom comes with a price, and that price is letting your government spy on you whilst it takes bribes from big businesses to look the other way so those businesses can infringe your rights which that government is supposed to protect, all whilst a corrupt militia of men in police uniforms receive paid holidays for murder and both sides of the media manufacture facts to support whatever political sports team they’ve chosen and to sell more papers. Unless you’re not an American, in which case freedom will only happen once they’ve dropped bombs on your country, killing whoever’s in the papers this year and a lot of civilians. And hey, we’re sitting here watching professional wrestling. Okay, I had to actually pour myself some wine there, because I think I ranted myself into a genuine fury and I don’t live in America.

Oh, and Roman Reigns has had emergency surgery, and I think that video implied that he tried to piss out a hernia. Poor guy: best of luck to him for a recovery without issue.

Get Your Shit Together, Chioda

Well, here’s Cesaro, ready to fight the Intercontinental Champion after a gruelling battle royal. So, he’s the face, right? And I just can’t recognise Ziggler not in a pink shirt. I’ve been thinking about getting one of those to go to the gym in; I’ve learned that if you wear a Tough Mudder headband, you can wear whatever the hell else you want.

The combatants feel each other out, neither of them gaining an advantage. They lock up again, with Cesaro having to break it when he gets Dolph on the ropes. They jockey for position again, and again have to break it up. Cesaro kicks Ziggler in the stomach, then hits a monkey flip; Ziggler lands on his feet and hits a hip toss and an elbow. He works Cesaro in a corner before Cesaro throws him right out to the outside. Cesaro heads to the outside, hurling Ziggler into the barricade. Back in the ring, he hits his stomp, and then keylocks the arm before Dolph punches his way out. Neckbreaker reversed by Cesaro, who hits a back suplex. Abdominal stretch follows that up, as JBL calls Cesaro a ‘European hooker’. He really did (he didn’t).

Dolph escapes with a hip toss, but Cesaro still reaches his feet first, then heads up to the second rope, dropping an elbow to Dolph. Cesaro has his arm laced around Ziggler’s neck, who hits a jawbreaker to escape before running right into an uppercut, before hitting a beautiful dropkick. Fameasser attempt; Cesaro blocks; Ziggler rolls him up; Cesaro grabs the rope before the three count but Chioda counts anyway and Dolph wins.

Awesome, looks like we’re doing a feud with these two now. Cesaro just looked dangerous here, right after a battle royal and against a fairly fresh Ziggler. I love Dolph and love the fact he’s got the title, but Cesaro’s earned something, and I wouldn’t mind if it was this. 2.5 Stars.

Michael supports Cesaro, which is like…WWE Creative writing an actually-funny comedy segment? Yep, yep, it’s that.

Backstage, Renee Young hasn’t learned her lesson about Lana’s passive-aggressive only-speaks-Russian bullshit. Lana actually calls herself out on it and translates: Big Show’s going down. Man, Renee would break Lana in two.

Rusev Actually Causes American Patriotism, So Is Still A Heel

Rusev and Big Show make their way to the ring, and JBL says that we might actually see Rusev shut up, despite the fact that Rusev is a pretty close-mouthed gent. Big Show goes right on the attack, throwing punches and a clothesline. Big chop to the chest and some more strikes in the corner. Rusev manages to hit a strike to the throat, going on the attack, but Big Show hits his sunset flip and a shoulder block. Show is on fire as we go to break.

We get told not to try this at home, or we might find ourselves trying to piss out a hernia. When we rejoin the action, Big Show gets hung up on the top rope by Rusev, but he just knocks Rusev right the fuck down and then hits a headbutt. Wow, I’d actually take a win from Big Show at this rate. Michael says of one chop, ‘they can hear that in Moscow’: alright, Sarah Palin. Rusev manages to take Show out at the leg, then goes on the attack, targeting the legs furiously. Big Show’s in bad trouble, but manages to use his leg strength to back Rusev off. Big sidewalk slam to Rusev, and Michael goes crazy for the pin: off a sidewalk slam, Michael? JBL then says that beating Rusev will be at the top of a list of everything Show’s done, and didn’t Big Show beat Hulk Hogan in his WCW debut for the title? I mean, I can go and check that out for nine ninety-fucking-nine.

Show winds up the punch; Rusev ducks and hits the big kick for a two-count. He grabs a clutch around Big Show’s neck and shoulder, but Show rises to his feet, breaking out of it and hitting clotheslines again and again. Rusev ducks Big Show and…runs right into a chokeslam! Big Show calls for the KO Punch, but Lana grabs Show’s leg and is basically dragged into the ring when he steps forward. Rusev comes back and destroys Big Show with the Russian flag for the DQ.

This was new and different. The Henry match suffered from Henry pacing, but Big Show is deceptively fast for his heft. 2.5 Stars

Rusev wants to go for the kick, but then Big Show is all ‘whoops, I’ve got your leg…and you’ve got a concussion!’ Rusev is knocked into a brain-damaged tomorrow as I’ve just realised that with the Russian, the black guy and the American boxer, this is now officially Rocky IV. Does this make Jack Swagger Paulie?

I liked this show. It had some laudable matches to it, and it was just all-around entertaining. Good stuff, very good stuff. This week gets an eight.

David’s Thought of the Week: How was it possible to run out of WWE-themed sex moves this early?

One final item for your attention: this Sunday I shall be engaging in conversation with the Trashy Ring Attire gents, whilst drinking a martini that is just too damn delicious for words. I don’t know when this will be released, so this announcement is going to sort of tail off now, but just be aware. Be filled with a vague sense of alertness.
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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for September 26, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/23/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-september-26-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/23/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-september-26-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 24 Sep 2014 03:49:53 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170153 Dark Matches

1. Tyler Breeze defeated a “local” jobber. Breeze won with the Beauty Shot in a match held prior to the Main Event show.

2. Adrian Neville defeated Sami Zayn. I got a small Ole chant going but it seems like not very many Arkansans know who Sami Zayn is. A really solid match. I love Zayn personally so it was a bummer to see him lose, but it was to be expected. Neville won with the Red Arrow which got a great reaction from the kids.

WWE Smackdown TV Taping

The Miz came out to start the show and tripped over the first ring step like a dork. Miz called out Dean Ambrose over what happened on Miz TV on WWE Main Event. Ambrose cames out to accept the challenge wearing his karate action jeans. Ambrose was really over with this crowd and Miz had a ton of heat.

1. Dean Ambrose defeated The Miz. There were some good spots throughout including Damien Mizdow teasing involvement multiple times. At one point, Damien starting shadowing Miz’s holds at ringside, which was great. There was a really good tornado DDT spot by Ambrose late in the match. Ambrose won via the Dirty Deeds headlock driver in a pretty decent opening match, but not before Seth Rollins and Kane came out to distract him a bit.

After the match, Kane and Rollins attacked Ambrose. Ambrose stole the Money in the Bank briefcase. His escape into the crowd brought him right by me and my buddy. I am the nerd in the Groot t-shirt.

2. Cesaro won a Battle Royal to become No. 1 contender to the Intercontinental Title. Big E, Kofi, and Xavier Woods were all wearing similar color schemes on their tights and acting like a team. Los Matadores, Justin Gabriel, Mizdow, Heath Slater Gator, Bo Dallas, Zack Ryder, Cesaro, and Jack Swagger were the other entrants. There was a really nasty elimination of Big E by Cesaro. He gorilla pressed him over the top rope. There was also a good square off spot where Kofi, Swagger, Ceasro, and Bo all ganged up on Mizdow. The final three were Kofi, Swagger, and Swagger with Cesaro winning by gorilla press tossing Kofi into Swagger and knocking them both over the top rope in a really impressive spot…

There was a backstage segment with Renee Young interviewing The Usos about their tag title match with Goldust and Stardust. The Usos said they have a checklist with only one item missing and that is the tag team titles, but that check is coming soon…

3. The Uso Brothers defeated Goldust and Stardust by DQ. The Usos were out first to a decent reaction, but I was live for Night of Champions and Raw where they were more over. The double dive got everyone fired up and always looks good. Good heel tactics by HeelDust early on, but nothing out of the ordinary for them. Great comeback rally for the Usos after a long stretch of offense by HeelDust. Goldust went for his front flip from the apron and was caught by the Usos for a nice spot. A little bit later the Usos hit a really nasty Doomsday Device on Stardust followed by the splash but the pin was broken up by Goldust with a title shot to the covering Uso for some great heat to end the match…

In a backstage segment, Seth Rollins complained to Kane about Ambrose taking the MITB briefcase. Rollins said that if Ambrose doesn’t return the briefcase in its exact condition then the cinderblock spot will look like child’s play…

4. Dolph Ziggler beat Cesaro to retain the Intercontinental Title. We didn’t get the advertised injury update, but we got Cesaro entering for the IC title match he won earlier in the taping. Ziggler got a great pop. Cesaro used the ropes during an abdominal stretch spot which garnered almost zero heat. This crowd is either dead or terrible. Cesaro did his spot where he uses the middle rope as a trapeze into an elbow drop which was cool. Cesaro countered a Fameasser attempt into a powerbomb attempt only to have Ziggler sunset flip him for the win which was really weak. I like Ziggler a lot, but that was weaksauce…

Backstage, Lana and Rusev were interviewed. Lana said anything in Rusev’s way he crushes…

6. Big Show defeated Rusev by DQ. Rusev and Lana out next for the main event followed by Big Show with the pop of the night. He is always really over in Little Rock. Big Show controlled the action early and really manhandled Rusev for a huge chunk of the match. I think I was the only Rusev fan in the building. Rusev finally hit a chop block and went on the offensive with lots of leg based attacks. Big Show hit a sidewalk slam to balance things out and set up for the KO punch. Rusev ducked and hit the jump kick.

Big Show hit a chokeslam out of nowhere and set up for the KO punch again but Lana grabbed his leg and was dragged into the ring. Rusev grabbed the Russian flag and hit Big Show for the DQ finish. Big Show caught a kick after the match and finally did connect with the KO punch to end the taping with Rusev flat out…
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WWE Smackdown Taping News: Match Announced, Dean Ambrose on Main Event http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/23/wwe-smackdown-taping-news-match-announced-dean-ambrose-on-main-event/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/23/wwe-smackdown-taping-news-match-announced-dean-ambrose-on-main-event/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2014 06:16:28 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170135 Some notes for Tuesdays’ TV

WWE is taping Friday Night Smackdown on Tuesday in Little Rock, and has announced some items for the show.

For Smackdown:

WWE Tag Team Titles
Gold & Star Dust (c) vs. The Usos

Plus, on the WWE Main Event show, there will be an edition of Miz TV with Dean Ambrose.

They announced that 10/10 will be Smackdown’s 15th anniversary show.

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WWE Smackdown Staying On Friday http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/20/wwe-smackdown-staying-on-friday/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/20/wwe-smackdown-staying-on-friday/#comments Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:58:04 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170046 In an apparently changes of plans, WWE Friday Night Smackdown is indeed staying on Fridays.

It was widely expected that the show would be moving to Thursday nights on Syfy in the new fall season. Early Syfy lineups had the change in place, and TNA Impact actually moved to Wednesday as a pre-emptive measure.

However, Syfy has had success in promoting a new series “Spartacus” on Thursdays and has decided to keep the show on Thursdays. That means that Smackdown will not move and stay on Fridays after all.

No word on if Spike TV will move Impact back to Thursdays, or if a new network would put TNA on Wednesday or Thursday for 2015.

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 19th 2014: The One Where David Hates Everything http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/20/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-19th-2014-the-one-where-david-hates-everything/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/20/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-19th-2014-the-one-where-david-hates-everything/#comments Sat, 20 Sep 2014 22:42:20 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=170036 Hi hi hi there, wrestling fans. Due to circumstances beyond my control, and entirely due to the rampant amount of motherfuckers existing within my vast and gelatinous personal bubble, I am in a foul mood tonight. Therefore I shall be putting this flame-eyed fury to good use, treating SmackDown tonight like the child I will one day mentally and emotionally torment until they snap and kill me (not my biological or even legal child; I’m probably going clone one). I’m letting myself have this one; I generally do a pretty decent job holding in my temper as WWE Creative waddles around and wets itself like a…I want to say ‘retarded penguin’, but that sort of makes assumptions about their cuteness.

Hideously deformed, retarded penguin.

Showtime!

We’re reminded once again that wrestling fans’ lack of sex or combination of sex and SmackDown means that the blue show is number one on Friday nights. And tonight, Rusev will face Roman Reigns in a match I just bet will have a finish so stuffed with bullshit that I could use it to bury the fucking farmers who insist on using bullshit to fertilise their fields (I sort of live within smelling-distance of some farms).

Raindrops On Roses, Whiskers On Kittens

Well, here are the Usos, and apparently Jimmy or Jey (like they even have separate personalities) is A-okay knee-wise. Sort of makes Ambrose look like a taped-up pussy, doesn’t it? Tonight, Jimmy will be facing Stardust for our…amusement? Entertainment? Hideously deformed, retarded penguin? And do they actually drug-test Stardust, or just check the trunk of his car for mutilated hookers?

They tie up, with Jimmy punching and chopping Stardust away, then levelling him with a clothesline. Stardust gets waistlocked, but uses the ropes to escape, counters a Samoan drop into a neckbreaker and then stomps away. He hits a Rhodes Uppercut, only kicking him instead, and then runs right into a kick, ducks another one, tries a roll-up, gets superkicked and Jimmy wins.

Unexpectedly quick, and way to build the Dust Bunnies as a credible threat. I doubt there was much they could do to match the intensity of the Uso/Wyatt matches, but this just isn’t getting my interest. 1.5 Stars.

Goldust tries to jump the Usos post-match and gets double-superkicked. You know who that wouldn’t happen to? A team that could beat the Usos. But considering that these guys are the lovechild of eighties cinema, an astronomer and various rapist clowns, what more should we expect?

Bright Copper Kettles And Warm Woolen Mittens

When we come back, Ziggler and Sheamus are going to face Miz and Cesaro in a tag match. I could get rid of half of the participants to get a match I’d actually want to see out of that, and right now I’d happily use acid to accomplish that. See, if Sheamus was on commentary, I would probably be charmed by his laconic wit to become less angry. But he’s wrestling, so my fury shall only increase.

Cesaro and Ziggler to start, and well done, WWE: those were the ones who would not be dipped in acid. Cesaro outwrestles Ziggler to start, headlocking and taking Dolph over, and the two men chain wrestle until Cesaro knocks him down off the ropes. Headlock takeover again by the Swiss Superman; they play counter-counter-reverse until Dolph ends the combinations with a dropkick; Miz distracts Ziggler and Cesaro hits his catch-backbreaker. Fuck you, WWE, for cooling my rage with some goddamn beautiful wrestling. I’m actually angry at being appeased, and now I’m confused.

Oh, Miz has just tagged in: we’re back to rage. He kicks Ziggler in the face for two, then gets small-packaged by Dolph for two, then Ziggler scores with a neckbreaker. Fameasser misses, and Miz hits his neckbreaker. We come back from the break, and Miz is in control. He hits his corner-clothesline on Ziggler and heads up top; maybe he’ll break his neck, but no, he hits an axe-handle. Sleeper hold to Ziggler, but the blonde man hits a jawbreaker to escape and both men are down. Miz gets the tag to Cesaro, who tries to knock Sheamus off the apron, but gets clobbered in return. Still, he stops Ziggler escaping for several moments, until Dolph scores with his DDT, crawling to Sheamus and getting the tag as Miz comes in.

Sheamus goes on a rampage, hitting everything in sight before pounding Miz’s chest and giving him the rolling senton. Irish Curse follows; Cesaro breaks up the pin and gets thrown out of the ring by Dolph, who in turn gets tossed by Miz. Miz runs into a bodyslam from Sheamus, and Sandow gets up on the apron for the distraction. Sheamus tries to hit his clubbing blows to the chest, but Sandow escapes only to get taken out by R-Truth. Miz tries to roll up Sheamus; Sheamus kicks out and eats a DDT for two. R-Truth distracts Miz and the referee enough for Ziggler to superkick Miz, who then takes a Brogue Kick for the loss.

The highlight was definitely Ziggler vs. Cesaro to open; the rest was the usual uninspired Sheamus and Miz-esque affair. 2.5 Stars.

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings

In case anyone wasn’t contemplating suicide just yet, it’s Heath Slater vs. Adam Rose. Remember when I was seriously excited about Adam Rose, and came up with a tonne of suggestions for fun little bits he could do? Yeah, me too, and I’m still pissed that what I shall call ‘this fucking bullshit’ happened instead.

Slater punches Adam Rose to the ground, and I’d kind of like to do that to his gimmick. He runs into a boot; Rose hits a crossbody off the top and then takes Slater over with a headlock. Heath hits a back suplex and goes back on the assault. Kick to the ribs and then the face, which I can’t admit to not enjoying. God, am I enjoying Slater? Heath jumps off the second rope, right into Adam Rose’s boot. He misses a stinger splash, getting knocked around by Rose, taking a big spinebuster. Rose gets tripped by Titus O’Neil and nearly gets pinned by Slater. Oh, and the fucking bunny rabbit gets in the ring. Yep, yep, go ahead; yeah, just throw yourself onto Titus: I. Do not. Care. In the confusion, presumably at just who on earth actually okayed something so mind-rapingly stupid, Adam Rose hits Party Foul for the win.

I keep forgetting that the Bunny is involved, and I’m happier when I do. He joins the club which also holds El Torito and Hornswoggle: ‘Things David Spain Would Joyfully Set On Fire’. 0.5 Stars.

On a side note, I actually think I can hear gunfire. That’s sort of worrying, but being shot might honestly be preferable to watching SmackDown. If any readers tonight have been shot, please compare the experience to watching this episode of SmackDown in the comments section.

Oh my God, we’re recapping the USA Rally by Mark Henry. Seriously. That shit actually finished the go-home episode to a PPV which has Brock Lesnar headlining. I mean…who got blown and just how well for that line of thought to be incorporated into reality?

Renee Young is backstage, and also Lana and Rusev. Lana speaks Russian in answer to Renee’s questions, and I would have paid so much for Renee to be able to understand Russian perfectly for that bit.

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s Los Matadores. I picked a really great show to be furious during. And they’re partnering with the Big Show. I’d say that this is going to drive me to drink, but that is false; the half-bottle of Jameson a good friend of mine gifted me is going to drive me to drink. Seriously, guys, try Jameson. These various-sized wastes of space are going to be facing the Wyatt Family, and despite the fact that the Shield never won a match against the Wyatt Family, I feel like they won the war. Because they are not doing this thing.

We come back to one of the interchangeable masked idiots taking it to Erick Rowan. Oh God, this is awful and I’ve seen three seconds of it. Rowan hits a fallaway slam, and good. Good. Bray comes in and hits a suplex and his back senton. Bray tags in Harper, who keeps up his roughneck offence as he grounds Masked Idiot 1. Michael gets all snooty about Luke Harper’s hygiene, and I’d agree with him except that would involve agreeing with Michael Cole, and there are a thousand things I would do to myself with a meat grinder before I hit that particular low.

Harper steps on Masked Idiot 1’s throat, fulfilling a personal fantasy of mine, and tags in Rowan. The Matador tags in Big Show, who actually gets taken down fairly handily by Rowan, who tags Wyatt in. Wyatt is all the hell over Show, hitting a DDT to keep him down and then tags in Harper. Harper Gator Rolls Big Show before latching on a headlock. Show throws some hands, bounces off the ropes and…did Harper just hit a calf kick? Holy shit. Tag to Rowan, then to Wyatt, who cuts Big Show off from his partners, and Harper comes back in, wrapping a forearm across Show’s face. Big Show finally comes back with a back suplex, and then comes off the second rope for a splash; Harper dodges and then takes out one of the Matadores: they’re literally that annoying.

Bray tags in, and headlocks Big Show, your five hundred pound face-in-peril. Another back suplex gets Show out of that predicament, and he gets the tag to one of those interchangeable masked guys. He keeps knocking Bray Wyatt down, and that just hurts to watch. Bray thankfully flattens him, as Rowan and Harper do to the other Matador and Big Show on the outside. Diego (I guess) hurls himself out onto Harper, then hangs Bray up on the ropes and heads up top; his dive misses, and Bray hits that goddamned delightful running Sister Abigail for the win.

Aside from the finish, I hated a lot of this. This isn’t even due to anger; this was mainly due to Los Matadores and partly due to Big Show. I guess the match was decent enough to earn 2 Stars, because the Wyatts made these guys their bitches throughout.

Our second RAW recap deals with Roman and Seth’s match, and was I the only one who thought it was a strange move to give away a PPV match on free TV the week before the PPV? Renee is with her main squeeze, Reigns, backstage, and he lays out his mission to punch everyone who isn’t him in the face. Probably not Renee either, unless they’re both into that.

Apparently the Slam of the Week was from a match involving the Bellas. I’d like to say I have no words, but I actually have some: my arse.

Cream-Coloured Ponies And Crisp Apple Streudels

AJ’s on commentary, and Paige is in action. Wow, we could be in for another Slam of the Week, guys! Oh, she’s facing Nikki. Man, I almost feel bad mocking this show. No…no, I don’t.

Paige shoves Nikki, who shoves her back, and Paige tackles the fuck out of Nikki and punches her around. Nikki hits a knee from the second rope, pulling on the hair of Paige as AJ watches sedately. Paige manages to kick Nikki to the outside, taking control and applying a sleeper. Nikki fights her way out of it, hitting some forearms to Paige’s face, who stops her momentum with a kick to the stomach. Nikki ducks a clothesline, hitting one of her own in return, then a very sloppy backdrop. Paige hits a kick to the throat, then the Ike Turner for the win.

This was actually kind of inoffensive. That’s as nice as I’m going to be until I find that damn whiskey. 2 Stars.

After the match, AJ once again steals Paige’s title/baby/boyfriend, and then Nikki snatches the belt and hits both women with it. Michaels says that Nikki is frustrated that she hasn’t gotten the recognition that AJ and Paige have and 1) I don’t believe Michael should act like he knows a single thing about women and 2) Nikki might want to remedy that by becoming a far, far, far, far, far, far better wrestler and actor than she is now.

Doorbells And Sleigh Bells And Schnitzel With Noodles

So, despite the fact that Swagger made Bo Dallas tap on Monday, we’re still doing this. Jack immediately forces Bo into the corner, and the ref separates them. They lock up again, and Jack once again forces Bo into the ropes. Dallas slaps Jack right in the face, and then runs away from Swagger, but Jack is a douche-seeking missile, finally reaching a clotheslining Bo on the outside. He slams Bo’s face off the announce table, and then hurls him back in the ring. Bo catches Jack on the apron, neckbreaker-ing him inside the ring, now firmly in control. Headlock applied to Jack as Zeb looks on from the outside. Jack fights out, managing to big boot Bo (hah) and hit the Swagger Bomb. An amateur slam is attempted, but Bo skips out of it and out of the ring, but Jack catches him again, applying the Patriot Lock with Bo on the ropes. After the ref forces the break, Bo hangs Jack’s arm on the ropes, and hits the Bo Dog for the win.

This was fairly hard-hitting, actually. Rather enjoyed that affair. And yes, I have just found the whiskey. JAMESON!! 2.5 Stars.

Bo gets on the mic and says that it looks like Jack has lost his Swagger. This. Fucking. Guy. He tells Jack he doesn’t want to end up like Zeb and rags on the elderly. Jack ends up kicking Bo in the face to cut him off, and Bo actually looks kind of sad about it. Aw.

Recap about Brock Lesnar and John Cena’s off-the-chart sexual tension. Don’t tell me I’m the only one who sees this for what it is.

Renee is earning her money tonight, now interviewing Mark Henry. He drags up that whole Olympic story again; nobody cares, Mark. Nobody remembered until you started bringing it up all the time.

Wild Geese That Fly With The Moon On Their Wings

Main event time. Reigns and Rusev make their way to the ring, and I love the fact that Roman’s decided that, due to the fact he couldn’t get his hands on Rollins until Sunday, he might as well try to break an undefeated streak instead.

The two behemoths tie up, neither one gaining the upper hand and eventually they spill out of the ring. Rusev kicks Reigns and tries to claw his head, but Roman forces him away and they head back into the ring; Reigns ducks a charge from Rusev, then slams an elbow into his face. Another kick from Rusev turns the tide, and Roman’s down with Rusev trying to keep him there. Rusev takes Reigns into the corner, working him over. Bearhug to Reigns, trying to sap Roman’s strength, but Reigns fights out, coming off the second rope right onto Rusev, only for Rusev to again turn the tables with a huge spinning kick as we go to commercial.

Back from the break, Rusev has Roman on the ground, bearhug locked right in there. Roman powers up to his feet, and straight-up headbutts his way free. Rusev throws him into the corner and squashes him in there once, but the second time he runs into a boot. Roman tries a Superman Punch, misses, but still takes Rusev down with a clothesline. Both men are floored, with both reaching their feet at the same time, and the momentum is up for grabs. Rusev staggers Roman, but then runs right into a Samoan Drop!

Clothesline to Rusev in the corner, then again in the centre of the ring. Another clothesline, then a fist, then a boot. Roman’s in firm control, and he hits the apron dropkick! Oh, and here’s Seth Rollins! Bullshit! Rusev hits a superkick! Bullshit! The Accolade is almost applied, but Reigns counters with his variation of a back suplex. Rollins goes up to the top rope, and tries to hit Reigns with the briefcase, but Roman dodges and Seth hits Rusev for the DQ! Bullshit, but amusing!

I liked how this was played out. To quote one Jim Ross, not ballet, but an interesting story and one where every move seemed to count more than it usually does in terms of control and counters. 2.5 Stars.

Reigns clotheslines Rollins out of the ring, and hits the Superman Punch to Rusev. Rollins pulls Roman out of the ring, and the brawl is on at ringside. Seth’s thrown into the crowd, and decides to hightail it, with Roman in pursuit.

Rusev gets his hand raised, but here’s Mark Henry for your patriotic BS. He SUMMONS THE FLAG in his own right, and Henry enters the ring only for Rusev to be all over him. Henry doesn’t seem to be affected by puny Russian power, and shoves Rusev down. World’s Strongest Slam, and that better be the price for Rusev beating Henry this Sunday because, honestly, I can’t stand to see America winning after this nonsense.

Okay, sarcasm and random rage aside? I was unimpressed. I’m sure they tried, but trying isn’t enough. Vince McMahon tries to be in touch with a modern viewership. Internal Affairs tries to stop American police from shooting people for no reason and getting protected by their peers. Some Scottish people tried to get independence. It’s not enough, and neither was this. Five.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Wade Barrett Part 2. Slap your wang against your partner’s stomach whilst shouting ‘CAN I HAVE SOME DECORUM?!’ (I guarantee, at least one person has done that already. No, not me).
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Forever Heel’s Raw Heel Rundown: Randy Orton Proves He’s Not Always a Brooding Tool. http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/15/forever-heels-raw-heel-rundown-randy-orton-proves-hes-not-always-a-brooding-tool/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/15/forever-heels-raw-heel-rundown-randy-orton-proves-hes-not-always-a-brooding-tool/#comments Mon, 15 Sep 2014 18:11:24 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169856 I wanted to start by wishing Sean O’Haire good luck on his new journey. I covered his evil life coach gimmick in an old Forever Heel profile. Just the promos for this gimmick made O’Haire bigger than Jesus. Since he was going to be a big heel on the SmackDown, WWE decided to début him as a face, and take him off tv for a few weeks. Heel Sean O’Hare finally re-debuted as a generic heel and protegé of Roddy Piper. He was also going to be a big player in WCW before it folded. He’d be great sparring with Cena about what’s really inspiring.

I saw Raw this week and wanted to comment seriously about the heels. They did pretty good this week, despite having no Bo.  Raw could really use Johnny B. Badd. I mean the Little Richard version from the early 90’s. Bill Watts must have loved that gimmick?

Raw Heel Rundown

Miz is doing great in his program with Dolph. I actually care about this feud and title now. I also think Sandow carved out a nice place for himself. I’m sure Damien will get attacked by Miz. Hopefully after that Sandow will stay heel. I know he deserves a bigger singles push, but so did Val Venis, and Lance Storm. Getting back to the Miz, I really enjoy his Hollywood gimmick, and hope it leads to a funny bit with the Rock.

Did you know King is still on Raw? He is, and he’s proving he can’t stay in his chair during the Russian national anthem. Is Vince afraid of Lawler? Why isn’t King ever fired? I still love Jerry, but it seems WWE never f’ with him? Oh and JBL hates The Bunny.

Paul Heyman’s promo, with Cena proves not even Paul can carry Cena all the time. Cena launched into another bs promo about how a heel turn would only be enjoyed by seven IWC guys. He then blathers on about kids liking him, and how dads respect him. Cena even made up some story about how a soldier gave his Purple Heart to Cena. The poor guy was inspired by Cena to get better. I was hoping Bo Dallas was going to come out, but instead Cena bullied Heyman into a match for next week. I could be watching Nitro.

I was stunned to discover that Cesaro, Sheamus, and the USA Belt are still in the WWE. I hate Cesaro’s music and his dumb robes, and “The King of Swing”, name is really stupid. Sheamus seems to have received  Barrett’s old street brawler gimmick, and he’s not supposed to talk? Also why is he wearing orange, wouldn’t a guy from North Ireland be a heel? He could help Paige, and Barrett as a U.K.’er. Hopefully the blow off for this feud is that the US Title will blowup, and Cesaro, and Sheamus are given a WWE film career. It could be called “Fella and Murse”, two cops yada yada yada.

I sped through the Jerry Springer segment, but it looked funny. I’m rooting for both Bellas because they both seem to be heels. I have to say that JJ Bella’s pants and loafers are ridiculous, and his jacket fit like he was channeling Pee-Wee Herman.

I’m getting paranoid that WWE is changing the colors of their ropes throughout Raw, just to mess with me?

Orton had promised that he was going to make an impact on Raw, and he did. He had the ring crew bring down the cage, around he and Reigns. Orton, Kane, and Seth Rollins then beat down Roman Reigns. Reigns tried to beat them all up a few times, but Orton friggin owned him, like Kobe owns his chair.

Heel of the Week: Randy “The Ram” Orton.

Top 5 guys that shouldn’t be at your wedding

5) Stephanie McMahon

4) Triple H

3) Kane
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Complete WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results for September 12, 2014 (Spoilers) http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/10/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-september-12-2014-spoilers/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/10/complete-wwe-friday-night-smackdown-results-for-september-12-2014-spoilers/#comments Wed, 10 Sep 2014 05:31:28 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169837 Results from tonight’s Smackdown tapings in Wilkes-Barre, PA

Main Event

Seth Rollins b Jack Swagger with the curb stomp

Cesaro b Zack Ryder via leg submission

Adam Rose b Titus O’Neil with a roll-up after distraction from the bunny

The Ascension b Los Matadores with the high-low

Smackdown

Usos & Big Show & Mark Henry b Goldust & Stardust & Erick Rowan & Luke Harper – Bray Wyatt was at ringside. Big Show knocked out Goldust and Jey Uso pinned him after a splash.

Kane & Randy Orton & Seth Rollins talked about finishing Roman Reigns on Raw. This led to the announcement of Orton & Rollins vs. Reigns & Chris Jericho.

Bo Dallas b Justin Gabriel – Dallas won and Jack Swagger chased him away after the match. Zeb Colter had cut a pro-USA promo before the match started when he and Swagger came out.

Paige b Summer Rae – A.J. was doing commentary. Lots of C.M. Punk chants. Paige won with the black widow. Layla was at ringside with Summer Rae and A.J. used Paige’s own Paige Turner on Layla as part of the mind games.

Mark Henry b Rusev in the arm wrestling match.

Lana and Rusev wanted a rematch left handed.

This time Lana threw powder in Henry’s eyes and Rusev beat him down and left him laying.

R-Truth & Dolph Ziggler b The Miz & Damien Mizdow. R-Truth dressed up like Ziggler and Ziggler claimed he was his stunt double.

Chris Jericho & Roman Reigns b Seth Rollins & Randy Orton. Jericho pinned Orton with a roll-up.

This led to Jericho vs. Orton and Reigns vs. Rollins being added to Night of Champions.

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for September 9th 2014: What Did We Do To Deserve This (In A Good Way)? http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/05/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-9th-2014-what-did-we-do-to-deserve-this-in-a-good-way/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/05/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-september-9th-2014-what-did-we-do-to-deserve-this-in-a-good-way/#comments Fri, 05 Sep 2014 22:29:34 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169755 Good evening to you all. I’ve had rather a nice day off, relaxing, writing and watching some Dutch movies for the first time. Did you know that the Dutch make some fucked-up movies? I didn’t. With that being said, it’s time to get this review done so that I can go and watch moar.

It starts, as ever it must, with Brock Lesnar and John Cena II: ‘Opus Dei’. I love that Brock Lesnar seems to count Cena wanting a rematch as a failure on his part; that guy is such a perfectionist. And I am sticking to my guns and saying the only way I’d be happy with a Cena victory would be if Lesnar keeled over after the bell rang, and then Cena showed footage of Roman Reigns poisoning everything Lesnar ate or drank over the last month.

Cena comes out all red and cheerful, like a man whose near-cannibalisation on live TV was not applauded by every wrestling website in the world. He makes some joke about your strange sports and colours, and we’re in Nebraska. He says that he’s facing Lesnar in three weeks, just in case we were worried that what happened on RAW meant anything. He gripes about people thinking he shouldn’t wrestle Lesnar, and considering that CM Punk, the Undertaker, Triple H and a bunch of Ruthless Aggression era guys have all put on less baby-sealesque displays against Brock, I don’t know why he doesn’t understand about the situation. Seriously, the Hardy Boyz did better against Lesnar than Cena did. He then shills the Network and can we all. Just. Fucking. Stop.

Kane and Seth Rollins come out with mics and start heckling Cena a la Statler and Waldorf, which is actually about as funny as the concept sounds. Cena mocks them, and that material was more comedic than literally anything you’ve ever said into a microphone, John. He then proves it by…yep, trying comedy. Kane once again makes his job description weird by threatening Cena with ADMINISTRATIVE ABILITY, and this brings out Roman Reigns. And can we all admire the fact that on RAW, he straight-up laughed about almost crushing Seth Rollins’ skull? What an amazing psychopath. He says that Orton’s not here tonight, so he feels like he might casually assault Seth and Kane some more. Cena’s up for that, because Brock Lesnar thinks that SmackDown! is a sex move and always changes the subject when Heyman mentions it. Kane and Rollins laugh at them, and these guys are like Mean Girls tonight, and I love it. Oh, and the Wyatts show up. Oh, and then Chris Jericho shows up. Oh, and Mark Henry and Big Show shows up. Oh, and Triple H shows up? Fuck it, this already better than your average show. Hunter bitches about having basically an amazing job, and then imitates Teddy Long, which is just points for him and makes a ten-man tag match. Hell, that was hilarious. Even with Cena’s involvement and Triple H’s ‘can I laugh at this?’ impression of a black man. Dutch movies full of nudity can wait.

Wow, First The Fappening And Now This

Sheamus is on commentary when we come back, and I was pleasantly surprised by how inoffensive he was last time. He just sounded like a nice, fairly humorous, up-for-some-craic guy out there, so why can’t he be like that always? Oh, and Ziggler’s fighting Cesaro, so…seriously, what’s happening here? Why are good things happening on SmackDown!?

Bell ring-a-ding-dings and we get set for our first match. Ziggler gets taken over by Cesaro, who slaps the back of his head and puts him in a sleeper. Ziggler shoots him off the ropes and gets knocked down, goes for a hip-toss, gets countered, and Dolph hits the neckbreaker. Cesaro runs into a back elbow; Dolph tries to fly from the second rope, gets caught in mid-air and back-breakered. Punch to Ziggler’s face, and Cesaro chokes him on the ropes before hitting an uppercut from the outside. He wrenches Ziggler’s head, and Sheamus seems to have the mystical power to make commentary sound like a conversation between friends in a bar; is he a Cole-whisperer? Sunset flip from Ziggler, and Cesaro stops him from getting out of the box, pummelling him and wrenching the head again.

Another sunset flip attempt from Ziggler, and this time Cesaro presses him and drops Ziggler right onto his knee. When we come back, Dolph’s trying to fight back, hitting a neckbreaker and a dropkick, but the moment is overshadowed by Sheamus suddenly exclaiming: ‘Tom, I forgot you were there for a second!’ See, this Sheamus is amazing; this Sheamus is just every Irish guy I’ve gotten drunk with. Is he drunk? Ziggler tries to splash Cesaro, but gets the fuck uppercutted out of him. Cesaro goes for a double-underhook, but teases a pedigree enough to make me believe he’ll be getting fired over the weekend; Ziggler counters into a facebuster for two, and then catches Cesaro in a sleeper. Cesaro breaks out of it in the corner, then catches Ziggler’s kick; big DDT from Ziggler! Both athletes regain their feet, only for Cesaro to clothesline Ziggler. He tries to finish it, but Ziggler rolls him up for the three!

Great match, and definitely an argument for this being the preferred coupling at Night of Champions. Just have the US Title match be Sheamus stomping on Miz’s face for ten minutes; it’d be worth it. 3.5 Stars.

Cesaro’s pissed, and thinks a good way to deal with this emotion is to assault Ziggler, so does so. Sheamus comes in to back him off, and we’ve got a stare-down! Until Sheamus tosses Cesaro the belt and Brogue Kicks him.

Stardust is backstage, doing a Gollum impression. Goldust shows up to chill him out, and I think the villainous route was the best idea for this gimmick; Cody is just creepy as hell.

At Least Now I Can Tell The Usos Apart

Aw, Jay’s on a crutch, but still does the haka chant. That’s kind of really sad. Oh, and Jimmy’s going to be facing Heath Slater. That’s…even sadder. And I like to consider Jay’s injury a punishment for his and Jimmy’s constant involvement in the Cena-Wyatt feud.

Jimmy and Heath tie up, and Jimmy chops Slater in the corners. He ducks a clothesline, but Slater avoids a splash and hits a neckbreaker for two. Okay, the fact that Slater actually hit offence here makes this match more of a squash than Lesnar-Cena. John starts talking about cooking and euthanising bunnies, which warrants a rewind from me. Jimmy fights his way out of a sleeper, but gets dragged face-first into the corner. Slater gets kicked and eats a corkscrew moonsault for two. Titus gets on the apron, but Jay distracts him and Jimmy kicks him back to the outside. Kick from Heath to Jimmy, who manages to catch Slater coming off the top with a superkick, and then hits the Samoan Splash for three.

None too bad. Slater’s ridiculous arching of his body and fall-delay in taking that kick was the highlight of the match. 2.5 Stars.

We head back to Monday night, where it turns out that Stephanie’s way of showing she likes you is putting you in a match with someone who could destroy you. No, not Jack Swagger. Yep, it’s Nikki vs. Paige, and it’s time to find out whether Paige’s lesbian shtick extends to people who aren’t AJ. Man, lesbians and twins: they really are trying to sell the Network, aren’t they? Oh, and let me just say, I’m with Nikki here. Yeah, sure, I thought she was kind of an asshole at first, but then my little sister came home at 3:30am, having neglected to take her front door keys, and woke me up to let her in the house. And now my sister could be in a match against the Miz, and Sheamus, and John Cena, and Michael Cole, and I’d still interfere just to make sure she lost. So…yeah, if even a little bit of what Nikki says is true: fuck Brie.

We see Steph sitting alone in an empty conference room which, as it turns out, is actually the full complement of the WWE Creative team. She says that Night of Champions will have a match where Paige will defend her belt against Nikki and AJ. Oh, because having Natalya in that match, and therefore three women who could wrestle well, was just an insane line of thought.

Not-Renee is backstage with Not-Natalya. Wow, she is as wooden as a desk of purest mahogany. Yeah, fine, fuck Nikki, and I’ll forgive my sister as well. God, WWE, way to be my conscience.

Rusev and Lana are in the ring to address Mark Henry. Lana actually provides the correct definition for ‘oxymoron’ and then furthers that with a joke about China’s economic and manufactural presence on the world stage. Oh my God, I actually laughed at that one. They SUMMON THE FLAG (totally how I’m writing that from now on), and here’s Mark Henry. His first line is telling Lana she talks too much, which gets a cheer. I won’t make a joke about a black man in Nebraska using sexism to get the crowd on his side but…oh, wait. If I ever get these stereotypes wrong, by the way, do let me know. He also then says that Lana looks like an escort, and that’s kind of a dick move, Mark. I’m on Lana’s side now, so also Rusev’s by association. She says that Rusev will beat America’s former Olympian, and please let this mean that Angle’s coming back for one more match in a ridiculous swerve.

I Like To Think That Was Brie Warging Into AJ

Oh God, Jerry Springer’s going to be on RAW and he’ll be talking to the Bellas. Well, that’s probably half an hour worth of crap I’ll be skipping on Tuesday. Nikki and AJ are on commentary, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have Nikki placed beside someone who can, you know, actually display emotion. Oh, and Brie won better entrance music than Nikki in the split. Well, it’s better than what happened to Rollins and Ambrose. Brie will be facing Paige, and that’s good entrance music. Seth should steal it. AJ apparently could not give less of a shit about any of this, which is the best role for her.

Bell rings and Paige trash-talks Brie, but with her accent it sounds really polite and Brie comes off as rude for not thanking her. Brie punches Paige, who knees her in the stomach, but Brie takes her over and they brawl. Paige is thrown across the ring by Brie, and they brawl outside the ring: wild. Brie takes a spill and takes a while to get back inside, and Paige wails on her inside. Headbutts to Brie, as AJ refers to the Diva’s Championship as both her ex-boyfriend and her baby within moments of each other. Ew. Big clothesline to Paige, then a dropkick. Holy hell, Brie’s getting YES chants. That’s actually kind of sweet. Running knees to Paige, and AJ moves to confront Nikki for no reason as Brie hits a missile dropkick. Nikki shoves AJ, so AJ just jumps her: hell yeah. Brie then defends her sister, and I’ll rant about that in a second…yep, Rampaige ends it.

Well, AJ assaulting Nikki to underline the ‘we don’t want you here’ message of anyone interested in good quality Divas matches was a plus. The rest…whatever, I guess. Oh, and Brie? The woman wished that you died in the womb. If someone attacks her, particularly someone capable of kicking her ass, let her do it. Don’t lose a match over the Divas Champion to save her. 2 Stars.

Braymakes some lyrical threats about Chris Jericho in advance of their steel cage match.

Hey, Zack Ryder’s On…Yep

Bo Dallas will be facing Zack Ryder, and there’s a guy who needs to Bo-lieve if ever there was one. And also needs to make his lips less freakishly pink against that tan of his: Christ. Big dropkick to Dallas, who throws it off straight away and back suplexes him. Face-first slam by Ryder, but Bo slams him back against the mat, hits the Bo Dog and it’s over.

Yep. 2 Stars.

Bo takes the mic and mocks Nebraska. Straight up heelin’. But here’s Jack Swagger, here to beat on that ridiculously cheerful guy. Wow, Bo actually stands his ground and takes it to Swagger for a moment, but Jack slams him before hitting more punches. Patriot Lock is almost applied before Bo gets booted out of the ring. Zeb gets on the mic and does his xenophobe oath.

Replay of Ambrose getting cinderblocked. Cue some random comment I made and inadvisable encouragement I received from CB, I’m now writing a short screenplay about Ambrose going missing after his hospitalisation, with both Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns tracking him down. I’ve no idea why I’m doing this, but I have to do something when I get drunk.

Epic-Length Tag Team Time

The ten participants make their entrances mainly during the break. And as much as I’d switch a couple of these guys out to make a real dream match, I’m happy about this. Big Show starts off against Rollins as Jericho gets chants. Show makes quick early work of Rollins in the corner and tags in Henry. Rollins is straight-up squashed in the face corner, and tastes the JYD tribute. Tag back to Big Show, and I’ve just realised that these two have colour coordinated. Seth finally slides out of a gorilla press and tags in Bray, who runs into a…I don’t even know what that was. Bray seems elated, and gets thrown into his corner before Rowan gets the tag. He actually takes it to Big Show before Show does the sunset flip and a flying shoulder-block. What has Big Show been drinking? Did Sheamus get him drunk? Tag back to Henry, and if these guys just let these two handle it, I’d get bored but acknowledge the logic. And as I type ‘logic’, they tag in Jericho. But then we go to break, so hey.

We come back, and Kane takes Big Show out at the knee before tagging in Bray for the stomps. Tag to Harper, who locks on a headlock to the downed giant. As Show struggles to his feet, Harper levels him with a dropkick and tags in Rollins. Interesting that Big Show is the face in peril here. Kane in now, dropping feet and knees to Big Show. Bray in now, and when Big Show tries to fight back he simply DDTs the big man. Harper comes in with a Gator Roll, and the frequent tags are keeping it all fresh. Big Show finally powers up, back suplexing Harper to the mat for our first hope spot. Harper’s too close to the heels…or is he? Here comes Reigns, working out his psychological and emotional issues by destroying everyone, ESPECIALLY ROLLINS. Harper stops Reigns from acquiring himself a Seth-skin rug, hurling him into the barricade as we go to break.

We come back, and Rowan is fisting Reigns (oh, grow up). Reigns gets tossed out of thering where Seth can do his jackal act. He yells ‘I created you’, and I just imagined him as Doctor Frank-N-Furter and it is sexy as hell. Reigns eats a big kick to the temple on the inside from Rollins. Harper comes in, and Reigns blocks his suplex into one of his own, but Harper lies between him and any chances to tag out…and a big boot ends any outside opportunity. Kane comes in now, setting up for a superplex. Reigns fights back, saving Kane from having to try a superplex, and takes him out from the second rope. Everyone wants in, but it’s Jericho, taking it to Kane. Kane tosses him over the ropes; Jericho goes up top and hits a flying fist, then a bulldog, and then the Lionsault! Kane gets right back up, almost chokeslams Chris, who gets his step-up enzuigiri and goes for the Walls! Wyatt tries to get involved, distracting Jericho enough to get clotheslined by Kane. Harper tagged in as we go to break.

When we come back, Rollins is in full control of Jericho, beating him down right in front of the faces. There’s actually a moment when Jericho could have reached over and tagged out as Seth postured, and that would have been hysterical if he’d just done it. And does Seth Rollins remind anyone of Ryan Howard from The Office, or is that really just me? Even I don’t know why I think it. Seth gets elevated the hell over the top rope, but still manages to grab Chris and tag in Bray. Wyatt takes it to Jericho before slapping on a sleeper hold. Jericho struggles, but Bray works him back down, looking childishly happy whilst doing so.

Finally Chris does work his way out, but Wyatt cross-bodies him instantly to keep him back down. Bray spiderwalks as Chris lies prone, and that is when I don’t have a problem with it, i.e. when it’s not an invitation for someone to kick you really hard in the face. Dropkick to Wyatt and both men try to reach help; Rollins and Cena tag in! Cena’s on fire, beating Rollins every time he gets back up. AA attempted, but Kane comes up with an uppercut, only to get Superman Punched by Reigns, who gets superkicked by Harper, who’s taken out by Mark Henry, who gets Rowan-ed, who gets Big Show-ed. Bray comes in and cross-bodies Show! Jericho takes Wyatt down, but Seth springboards into hit him with the knee! Cena comes in and gets the STF on Seth, but the Wyatts break it up for the DQ.

That was really fun. As I’ve said, not dream-match, but considering this is SmackDown! I will take whatever I can get. 3.5 Stars.

Brawl continues with everyone hitting everyone. Codebreaker out of nowhere to Wyatt! Chokeslam and World’s Strongest Slam to the Wyatts! Spear to Kane and an AA to Seth Rollins! The faces go out standing tall.

This was just a great SmackDown! after a few weeks of just decent. Everything clicked really well and the match quality was above and beyond what I’d expect. I’m going to say screw everything: this week gets a ten.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Randy Orton. Step one: find their purse…
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Matches Announced for WWE Main Event, Smackdown Tapings http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/02/matches-announced-for-wwe-main-event-smackdown-tapings/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/02/matches-announced-for-wwe-main-event-smackdown-tapings/#comments Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:06:27 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169679 WWE Main Event will feature a Miz TV segment on Tuesday night live on the WWE Network. His guest is scheduled to be Dolph Ziggler, to continue their feud and probably set up an Intercontinental Title match for Night of Champions.

In addition, WWE is planning to have a match between Paige and Brie Bella as a featured match during the Smackdown tapings. The match is purported to be non-title.

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Poll Results: What Do You Think About Smackdown Moving To Thursday? http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/02/poll-results-what-do-you-think-about-smackdown-moving-to-thursday/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/09/02/poll-results-what-do-you-think-about-smackdown-moving-to-thursday/#comments Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:03:21 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169673 Here is what our Inside Pulse Wrestling readers thought:

What Do You Think About Smackdown Moving To Thursday?

  • It’s great, Smackdown belongs on Thursday! (35%, 55 Votes)
  • Who cares, I don’t watch Smackdown (28%, 44 Votes)
  • It’s terrible, I like it on Friday (18%, 29 Votes)
  • I think it will do the same on either day (19%, 29 Votes)

Total Voters: 157

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for August 29th 2014: Where’s OUR Legends Panel? http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/08/29/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-august-29th-2014-wheres-our-legends-panel/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/08/29/spains-wwe-smackdown-report-and-results-for-august-29th-2014-wheres-our-legends-panel/#comments Fri, 29 Aug 2014 23:37:28 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169623 Hey there, folks. This SmackDown Report coming at you a bare evening before I have to doll myself up and attend a wedding. After being given a long list of things I am not allowed to do (play Rains of Castamere) or say (incest jokes: my family’s a little weird), I’ve got a lot of barely-suppressed rage, so I’m going to open up and let fly at the first provocation. More than likely I’ll forget to do so, in which case I want all of you to go on Twitter and call Michael Cole a Nazi.

Our recap, delivered to us by our übermensch superiors over on RAW, deals with the eulogy for Dean Ambrose, and apparently nobody’s told Seth that Ambrose isn’t dead. Or what a bad eugoogalizer he is. Also, where the hell was Roman during all of the other stuff that was happening to Ambrose? Or just after the Shield break-up? He seemed to take it into his head that Orton was the mastermind behind that whole thing, and Randy’s last mastermind plot involved a woman’s purse. And after last week, don’t you think that someone might see Kane trying to sneak a metric fucktonne of cinderblocks out there this Monday and called him out on it? Seems like Kane’s kind of a bitch right now anyway; I’d even buy Heath Slater telling him to fuck off.

Has Anyone Asked Bray If He’s Okay?

Oh, hello ‘Tom’. Surprised me there for a moment, as I’d completely forgotten you existed. Roman Reigns shows up, here to face Bray Wyatt, who apparently hadn’t been screwed-via-contact-with-Cena enough for Vince’s liking according to Monday night. At what point can we just say that the old man’s had it and he can retire? He can go tend his orange garden until he has a heart attack; Shane can come back, take over the business and slap Diane Keaton around; Triple H can be garrotted when it becomes apparent he’s been working for Dixie Carter this whole time and beating Stephanie. There are worse ways this could go than a Godfather homage.

The big men lock up, and Bray leads with some punches until Roman overpowers him in the corner, only for Wyatt to sneak the advantage…and get clotheslined to the mat. Bray does manage to throw Roman through the ropes, where he faces down Harper and Rowan. Wyatt catches Reigns on the apron, blasting him all the way to the entrance ramp. Clothesline to Roman on the outside, and Bray works on him back in the ring. I like to imagine Bray is picturing Cena in front of him, and Roman’s wondering why Bray is legitimately strangling him. He struggles, managing to slam Bray’s head off the mat. High clothesline to Wyatt, who manages to hit Roman with a boot, only to run into a back elbow. Samoan drop’s attempted; Bray slides out and hurls his entire body into Reigns, hitting the back senton on his next run.

Wyatt heads up to the second rope, hesitating once he realises he has no business being up there, and Roman catches him, getting the tubby gent on his shoulders. Samoan drop gets two, and Roman stays right on Bray, knocking him into the ropes. He runs around the outside; Harper tries to cut him off, but Roman has a foot that needs to be urgently delivered to Bray’s face; he ducks Harper, hits the kick, and then starts wailing on Harper out of the need to keep hitting someone. Rowan shows up for the DQ, and referee calls for the bell like he doesn’t enjoy Roman beating the shit out of three dudes.

This was fair. Pretty short, and I’m honestly still irritated by the decision to serve up Bray as a sacrificial lamb to John ‘serious for about a month’ Cena, but it was okay. 2 Stars.

The assault on Reigns continues, somehow summoning The Tag Team Too Fat To Wear The Belts so they can rub themselves over this. Wow, I am really annoyed with everything tonight. Reigns hits a Superman Punch to Rowan as I start hitting the wine. Henry and Show help to clear the ring, when one would think their combined mass would cause the Wyatts to orbit them.

Oh, What, Rob? Was There A Drugs Test Coming Up?

Here’s Rob Van Dam, and apparently this is his peace-out match. If so, I’m glad he got to go against Rollins: it’s the best chance he has of going out on a…high. And can we have a kickstarter to fund some decent ring music for Seth Rollins? He deserves better; it’s like Brock having to have the Network logo on his belt.

Seth immediately goes on offence, stomping Rob in the corner. Irish whip to another corner; Van Dam counters Rollins’ charge and hits a kick. Rob rolls over Seth’s back, takes some kicks and gets running-dropkicked into the ropes. Bodyslam to RVD for a two. Back from a quick break, Rollins hits that leaping forearm of his into Rob in the corner, then steals RVD’s taunt. If he was on SmackDown vs RAW, his heat-meter would fill right up. Michael says that Rollins has ‘some audacity’, which I wasn’t aware was a negative thing; ‘audacious’ is how they describe interesting people in Victorian novels. Right before they catch fire…

Sleeper by the now-more-flammable Seth Rollins, and RVD tries to create separation, kicking Rollins away to avoid being caught in the blaze. Rolling Thunder misses, as does the Curb Stomp, and Seth gets blasted with a kick. Frogsplash attempted; it misses; the Curb Stomp’s countered again, but Rollins hits his enzuigiri for two. Seth heads up, but Van Dam brings him up short with a kick. Superplex attempted; Rollins claws at Rob’s face, rolls over Van Dam and powerbombs him into the turnbuckle. Another turnbuckle powerbomb, followed up by the Curb Stomp for the win.

That was a pretty good match. Rollins was a good opponent for Van Dam, but it still wasn’t enough to convince me that Rob ought to stick around as a competitor. I loved Rob when I first encountered him in 2002, and still love those matches now, but I do hope this absence sticks. 2.5 Stars.

We replay the Bella Twins’ ‘Look How Fucking Bad We Are At Acting’ session, and the sad thing is that this won’t be enough to stop WWE trying to shoehorn them into a movie. Nikki’s ‘died in the womb’ line did make me crack up (which they cut out of SmackDown, maybe after realising that it wasn’t the kind of sentiment they should be voiced on a kids’ show). The only appeal for me is that I view this feud as the live-action adaptation of Adventure Time’s Lemongrab vs. Lemongrab storyline; I just hope that it ends in the exact same way. Also props to Nikki for showing women everywhere how to react to Jerry Lawler approaching them.

We replay the Sandow vs. Ziggler match, because even though RAW’s so starved of material it actually contains flashbacks of the previous hour, we apparently still need to see it. Actually, Sandow being Miz’s stunt double was a fairly decent gag, so there is that.

So Much For That Whole #Emmalution Thing, Huh

Emma’s in the ring, and apparently still employed. On the plus side, not a Santino in sight. And she’ll be facing one of the…what, three insane women WWE’s currently claiming to employ? And that’s just storyline-crazy, not ‘why would you slap the physical therapist’ crazy. I’ll never claim to be a social justice warrior, but the writer, comedian and human being in me is a little perturbed by a bi-weekly segment in which three men (or two men and ‘Tom’) sit around and discuss the mental inadequacies of the women around them.

Emma tries her dumb schtick, and Paige shoves her down: good on her. Emma almost gets Paige with a roll-up, but the champ takes control. Paige runs into a boot, but catches Emma, only for Emma to flip her feet into Paige’s face. She heads up top, but gets pulled down and placed into the PTO.

Decisive victory for our women’s champ, which is refreshing to see. I mean, it was against Emma, but you still worry. 2 Stars.

AJ is brought out, and she comes bearing chocolate. Please say this is building up to her hiring Brother Love to sing at Paige. Okay, AJ used the word ‘friend’, so we’re staying out of the ‘weaponised lesbianism’ thing. I expect to be proved wrong in that, but I just want to believe in WWE for a moment. Paige balks at the chocolates, probably because she believes Roman Reigns has been within poisoning distance. AJ growls at Paige ‘eat one’, and apparently the Divas Champion in wrestling is so afraid of conflict that she’ll eat a totally-suspect chocolate. It seems like there’s something wrong with the chocolate, and Paige spits it out. Damn it, Roman.

Self-fellating Network discussion. Get used to it, ‘Tom’. You learn these words.

Surely Swagger Is More Suicidal Than John Cena

Rusev’s in the ring, with Lana giving another public reading of her Putin fanfiction. Before she gets the bit where he nails a feral bear which growls ‘no’ as its eyes whisper ‘yes’, Swagger shows up to once again embarrass America. Michael says he respects Jack Swagger for losing a bunch of times but not in a certain way. This is a submission match, apparently, which actually does make sense and conforms to logic and how is that happening in WWE?

Swags goes for the leg, but Rusev backs him away with a kick to the ribs. Rusev, Swagger and Ambrose are clearly in a ‘sell injuries’ competition, and I’m really hoping this leads to the three of them evading the medical profession somehow, with Kane becoming Doctor Isaac Yankem to hunt them down. Jack goes for the ankle again, prompting retreat from Rusev.

Jack ‘We The People’s Rusev, who charges; Swagger ducks, and then slams Rusev right into the mat. Rusev tries to bail, but Swagger gets him in the Patriot Lock under the ropes. The ref starts to count, meaning it’s possible to lose a submission match by DQ. Okay, then. Rusev goes to the outside, and when Swagger goes after him the big Bulgarian hurls him Rusvinto the barricades.

Back from the break, Jack gets flapjacked by Rusev and slammed out of the ring. He’s against the steel ring post, and Rusev beats on his ribs. Rusev goes for a kick, but gets caught in a Patriot Lock on the outside; Rusev scrambles back in the ring, and Jack follows to clothesline him. Swagger wraps Rusev’s ankle in the ropes to kick it around, and then drops him with the big boot. Swagger Bomb to Rusev, who bulls right back, and goes for…the Patriot Lock? Swagger reverses instantly and Michael really hates Rusev, doesn’t he? Rusev gets to the ropes, and then breaks the hold when Jack drags him away. Swagger misses a charge, gets kicked in the face and then Rusev applies the Accolade. After a pretty heroic struggle, Jack manages to reach the ropes. Rusev drags Swagger back, stomping on his back before applying the Accolade. Another herculean effort gets Jack nearly to his feet, but Lana distracts the ref by throwing in the towel. Out of nowhere, Bo Dallas trips up Jack! Oh Bo, you adorable dick. Jack taps, and Bo Dallas is clearly a part of Isis.

Okay, I actually liked that. It all kind of made sense; Jack looked pretty gutsy and it just generally worked. Plus…fucking Bo, man. Don’t ask me not to love him. 3 Stars.

Bo grabs the mic, and if he starts speaking Russian I swear to God…but no, he just wants Swagger to Bolieve. Jack disagrees, seeming to want to rip Bo’s nuts off, but Dallas takes him down and Bo Dogs him.

Miz is backstage, being all Miz about stuff. Oh God, does he have another one of those ridiculous coats? Someone’s trying to tap his shoulder, and it’s Kane. He talks to the Miz’s agent who, if he’s the Miz’s agent, was probably gushing, ‘Oh my glob, you’re the guy from See No Evil! Do you have representation?’ Kane’s kind of a snarky bitch when he’s not trying to kill a man with cinderblocks. Oh, and Miz is in a match with Sheamus, in an attempt to ruin my whole life.

This Is Like If The Warriors Was Really Campy. This Is Like West Side Story.

Here are the Usos, with one of their four identical knees injured. Recap of Goldust and Stardust becoming Dickdusts. Stardust will be facing Jimmy Uso, but first Goldust grabs the mic and apologises, acting like a real human. He apologises fairly decently about it, and Michael compliments him for it, so FUCK GOLDUST.

Jimmy backs Stardust into the corner, with a clean break. Repeat, with Jimmy adding some blows. Chops to Stardust, who manages the Rhodes Uppercut. Shoulder thrusts to Jimmy in the corner, who manages to roll up Stardust for the three!

Wasn’t expecting such a quick match. Then again, wasn’t looking forward to a long one, so hey. 1.5 Stars.

Goldust jumps Jimmy, and these Dusts are dicking all up in this place. Michael instantly turns on Goldust, and I actually called this, like, two paragraphs ago.

Wine Just Is Not Going To Do It

Oh God, it’s the Miz. Even Sandow being there can’t deflect this horrifying mediocrity. And oh God, it’s Sheamus. This doesn’t help. Apparently Damien Sandow will be reprising his role as a way worse wrestler, entertainer and human being than himself. Whose coffee did that man piss into?

Miz tries to distract Sheamus, and does, and Sandow goes on the attack. Miz gets on commentary and whose coffee did I piss into? Back elbow drops Sheamus, and Sandow stomps him in the corner. Sheamus steamrolls Sandow, then bodyslams him. Clubbing blows to the chest, followed by White Noise for the win.

Quick, to the point, minimal Miz. Marks taken off for Sheamus and there still being some Miz. 1.5 Stars.

Miz jumps Sheamus post-match and flees. Ziggler appears to throw Miz back into the ring; Miz ducks so that Sandow can take the Brogue Kick, and Miz flees again. I guess I do want to see Miz get hit in the face, so fair enough, WWE, but I’ve never not wanted that.

Recap of the extended mauling of John Cena. I really want to see only one clip now, and that’s of Brock ringing Cena up and saying ‘so, John, I was at the clinic and I got some surprising news…look, it’s not a hundred percent certain, but you might want to get yourself checked considering…you know…SummerSlam,’ as both he and Heyman keep giggling. God, I want to see that.

Just Not The Wyatts’ Week

It’s main event time, and here are those two big lumbering guys and the actual exciting one. The Wyatts show up as well, and we have a stare-down across the ring. They’re trying to evoke the Wyatts vs. the Shield, but the thing is that Henry and Show are involved in this one.

Big Show goes for Rowan and the brawl starts. Wyatt gets tossed out and Roman stalks him around as Big Show does an honest to God sunset flip on Rowan. Shit, I don’t care what else happens: they get a whole star for that alone. Clothesline to Rowan, and Big Show works the arm, tagging in Roman. Still working the arm over, for some reason or other, and tag to Mark Henry, for some reason or other. Mark tags Big Show back in, and he slings Erick a headbutt and goes to slap the chest, but Rowan escapes and tags in Harper, who runs right into a hip toss. Big slap to Harper in the corner, and again.

Snapmare to Harper, then a dropkick to the face for two. Tag to Henry, who hits the JYD Tribute and pancakes the shit out of Harper in the corner; Rowan runs interference and Harper hits a dropkick before tagging in Bray Wyatt. We get a reminder not to try getting destroyed by Brock Lesnar at home, and when we come back, Rowan is trying to suplex Henry but gets suplexed in return. Tag to Big Show, who knocks Rowan all around the ring. He calls for the chokeslam, but has to take down Bray and Rowan clobbers him with a clothesline. Harper’s tagged in, and keeps Big Show grounded, hitting boots and putting on a facelock. Gator roll of Big Show, turning it into a headlock in the transition. Big Show manages to regain his feet, running right into a calf kick off the ropes.

Bray Wyatt gets tagged in, and he hits a DDT to Big Show for two. Rowan comes in, taking Show down with some punches and hitting the splash. Big Show is kept down as Harper wrenches his neck, and then drives Show into the corner as he gains his feet. Show manages to boot Rowan, but takes an elbow immediately in retaliation. Tag to Harper, who wrenches Show’s head back on the ropes. He holds Big Show in a sleeper, and Big Show grabs the ropes, but no count from the ref. Okay, then. Sidewalk slam destroys Harper, but Bray gets the tag and pulls Big Show away, hitting offence hard and fast until he gets flattened by a desperation clothesline and Reigns gets the tag.

Roman proceeds to annihilate Harper and Rowan in hellaciously short order, practically backhanding Bray in order to hit his apron dropkick. He winds up the Superman Punch; Bray distracts him and gets hit in the face again. Superman Punch connects to Harper; Rowan gets chokeslammed; Big Show gets hit by the flying mass of Bray Wyatt; Wyatt gets World’s Strongest Slammed; Henry gets booted; Reigns gets superkicked for two! That Clothesline attempted, and a spear for the win!

Okay, better than I thought it would be. I know I said I would add a star on, and I will, but that was good in its own right. So, with the sunset flip star, that’s…3.5 Stars. Yep, for a match with Show and Henry in. Collect torches and pitchforks at your leisure.

Up and down kind of SmackDown. Match quality was better than what I expected to see, and they managed to reduce Miz’s involvement more than I dared to dream. Seven for this week.

David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Brock Lesnar. Don’t feel afraid to include such diverse elements as blood, urine and vomit; they’ll come back for a second round, guaranteed.
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More Details On WWE Smackdown Move To Thursdays, Effect On Wrestling Industry http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/08/28/more-details-on-wwe-smackdown-move-to-thursdays-effect-on-wrestling-industry/ http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2014/08/28/more-details-on-wwe-smackdown-move-to-thursdays-effect-on-wrestling-industry/#comments Thu, 28 Aug 2014 19:56:59 +0000 http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/?p=169577 More on the Smackdown return to Thursday.

WWE Smackdown is moving back to Thursdays starting October 2, 2014, finishing up a run on Fridays through the end of September.

While the move has not been officially announced, it was listed on the Syfy schedule, and Syfy had already announced the TV show “Haven” was moving from Friday to Thursday night at 10 p.m. Haven features Adam “Edge” Copeland in a recurring role, so Syfy has often linked Haven and Smackdown in their schedule.

Smackdown originated on Thursdays. When the show debuted on the now-defunct UPN network, it aired on Thursdays, only later moving to Friday in the face of stiff prime time competition. It had a pilot run on April 29, 1999, and was added fulltime to the primetime lineup that fall, starting August 26, 1999.

The move from Friday to Thursday had reverberations throughout the industry. Impact, which has been troubled as of late on Spike TV, fled Thursdays in anticipation, hastily shifting to Wednesday night to avoid competition.

In addition, WWE NXT and Superstars, which air on WWE Network each week beginning on Thursdays, will also likely move, perhaps to Wednesdays or Fridays on the WWE Network.

The Inside Pulse Wrestling Poll of the Week is about the Smackdown move, vote below!
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.
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