Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Wed, 23 Jul 2014 02:43:48 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » Smackdown WWE Friday Night Smackdown Main Event Match For July 25, 2014 Tue, 22 Jul 2014 04:40:43 +0000 Roman-Reigns2

Coming on the heels of WWE Monday Night Raw on July 21, WWE has revealed the main event for Smackdown this upcoming Friday.

In a one on one match, Alberto Del Rio vs. Roman Reigns will headline the show.

Pulse Wrestling will have full coverage of the show on Friday, and should have spoilers from the arena tapings on late Tuesday/early Wednesday×120.jpg

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WWE Friday Night Smackdown Ratings News Mon, 21 Jul 2014 22:46:28 +0000 WWE Smackdown was the highest rated original show on cable Friday night July 18, 2014. It earned a 0.8, up from last week’s 0.7 adults 18-49 rating.

The show had 2,885,000 viewers, and the final rating will be available soon.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for July 11th 2014: “For The First Time Ever…” Sat, 12 Jul 2014 08:34:24 +0000 Good evening, WWE fans; it’s Friday night and we’re all here for the same reason. Well, I’m here because I got offered a position to write about SmackDown and consider myself professional enough to actually do so; I don’t know you guys’ deals are. It has been a long day full of coffee, shopping and writing a modern-day adaptation of 120 Days of Sodom set in a small café, so I’m quite looking forward to sitting back and watching some wrestling.

Recap from last week of the Cena/Rollins match. I found their singles match from late December far superior, but then that was a straight match and this is all mixed up with story. Speaking of mixed up with story, does anyone over the age of eleven believe that Roman Reigns is walking out of Battleground with the belt? Seriously, I think WWE has found some form of reverse-foreshadowing; it’s like how you know that there won’t be a Money in the Bank cash-in if the commentators allude to it. Weeks of dominance = loss at the PPV.

Wow, starting our show tonight are Lana and Rusev. Aw, he holds the ropes open for her, and not even in that creepy way that Scott Steiner used to. Lana gets on the mic, and I think she’s implying that Roman Reigns is impotent. Fighting fucking words, Lana, and I’m not at all surprised that this brings Roman out; you don’t say that a man’s swimmers don’t swim. Roman gets chants, and he says he’s sure that Lana would love to stare at him all night. So, for those keeping score at home, Roman now drugs and harasses women at his place of work. He says that he’s a businessman, so this is all clearly building up to him being the WWE’s Patrick Bateman. He says that this is his ring, even though the WWE probably owns it, and laughs at the idea that a mid-carder has a chance against a man allowed to say ‘bitch’ on RAW. Lana clearly thinks that Roman is James Bond, because she’s spouting every 80’s action movie Russian line she’s got, and Reigns decides that he says when the main event happens, and it’s going to be now. Wow, he really doesn’t know what his job is.

Oh, here’s Charles Robinson, telling us all we can’t have fun ever and we’ll have to wait. What is this, tantric wrestling? Lana agrees with her fellow petite blonde, and the husky not-actually-a-Ruski leaves the ring. Meanwhile, Roman begins plotting to either poison or inappropriately proposition Charles Robinson, which is his go-to response to everything.

Oh Yay, Another Double Divas Match PPV

Cameron is already in the ring, checking herself out in a mirror. Seriously, she’s about to fight someone for money; in what world does that matter? Paige and AJ will be going up against each other at Battleground in a match which will hopefully be of, you know, match length. Hell, throw Natalya into this thing next time around and let all of the other Divas get on with their TV show.

Bell rings, but Cameron wants AJ to wait so she can apply lip balm; okay, I do do that before I fight. She then jumps on top of AJ and starts doing random can’t-really-wrestle offence. She tries to apply lip balm to the Divas Champion, which should probably constitute use of a foreign object, but like the referee is paying any attention at all. JBL actually raises that same point; look at me, thinking like a millionaire. Cameron holds AJ’s arms in a submission, until AJ rolls her up for a two-count and eats a dropkick. Who does she think she is: Paige? Cameron keeps shoving AJ, who basically Hulks Up, hitting a running clothesline and a neckbreaker. Skippety skip around the ring, then AJ hits a spinning kick for another two-count. Cameron makes herself scarce, backing away from the ring, and Natalya throws her back in the ring. The referee doesn’t call for the DQ, because literally fuck everything, I guess? AJ rolls her up; Cameron rolls through and takes a Shining Wizard to the mush for the three.

None too bad, although I’m surprised that Cameron was in control for so much. Seriously; do Divas Champions take a while to get going during a match? Nice to see AJ back in action, and looking forward to her match proper with Paige. 2 Stars.

Here’s Renee Young, who asks Randy Orton about Kane hating him. Orton says he doesn’t care about what Kane says: only what he does. He says he’s walking out of Battleground with the championship, and calls himself ‘the Legendkiller’ as he goes out to face Jericho. Oh, I remember: back when Orton was in any way sort of interesting.

 Adam Rose Is The Drug Habits Of Every WWE Employee From The 90′s In One Body

Here’s the sleaziest male dancer in WWE, with the radiant Layla in tow. And following Fandango is the Psychotic Narcotic Posse, featuring Summer Rae now, I guess. I do like how Adam Rose apparently stumbled mindlessly into this situation and probably still doesn’t know what’s going on or what his real name is (it’s ‘Adam Rose’). Also, isn’t Dolph with Summer? Or did he escape this hell?

The bell rings, and the pitting of a man who thinks he’s a professional dancer against the man who thinks his hand is a Smurf will now begin. They tie up, and Adam Rose gets a headlock and leapfrogs over Fandango when he’s shot off the ropes; Fandango takes him down hard but Layla and Summer are fighting on the outside. Fandango tries to grab boob under the pretence of breaking it up, and gets whacked in the face by one of his growing secret harem. Fandango is counted out.

Meh. A star for Adam Rose existing. 1 Star.

Summer seems happy about this, leading me to question what her motivations are supposed to be. Does she want Fandango? Does she want Adam Rose? Does she want Ziggler? The Bunny? #SummerAll? Adam Rose offers Fandango his mollypop, but the dancer slaps it away and immediately takes a Party Foul because do you fucking know how difficult those things are to get hold off?!

Bray Wyatt’s in a promo for Battleground, and uses the phrase ‘chaos reigns’ which makes me remember Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist: do not watch that movie if you’re not a fan of genital mutilation. And now Bray Wyatt and genital mutilation are inexorably linked in my mind.

Renee is backstage with Chris Jericho and more or less says ‘Orton, yeah, sure, but apparently you’re facing Bray in a few weeks’. Correct reaction, Renee. Jericho says that it’s the first time ever that Jericho will face Bray. Well…I mean…yeah. Jericho has fun with animal metaphors before walking off.

Seriously: What Do Slater And Titus Even Have To Talk About?

Titus O’Neil and Heath Slater are in the ring, about to face the Usos. So, two guys who we were surprised weren’t victims of the Red WWEdding vs. the Tag Team Champs. Could be a classic.

Heath distracts one of the Usos, and apparently pinning the wrong twin in a tag match is totally a big deal, but twins switching around to win a match in that way is just great strategy. Titus jumps on Jimmy, clotheslining him, and then tags in Slater. Jimmy comes back with some strikes, but Slater hits a kick to the face, knocking him down and slapping on a sleeper. Heath runs into a Samoan Drop; Titus runs in and gets immediately kicked back out by Jey. Heath tosses out Jey, gets kicked by Jimmy and eats the splash from Jey for the pin.

Quick match, but I don’t think we’d expect a hard-fought victory in this scenario. 2 Stars.

Not-Renee is in the ring, and asks them about the 2-out-of-3-falls tag match. They awkwardly pretend to do commentary and God, this is mortifying. JBL and Michael pretend that it was funny, and sometimes I feel sorry for those two.

Honest To God, I Was Expecting An Evolution Run-In

Almost like it’s an apology for the Usos trying comedy, we’ve got Orton vs Jericho. Chris comes down first, but before Orton shows up, the Wyatts hijack the titantron. Bray sings ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’, and that regrettably does not lead to a sing-off. Orton shows up, and let’s rassle.

The veterans circle, and then lock up. Headlock by Orton; he’s shot off the ropes and takes Chris down before taking a dropkick. Orton’s thrown off the ropes but bails out of the ring. He climbs back in, but Jericho hits a springboard dropkick, knocking Randy right into a commercial.

We come back as Jericho’s choking Orton on the ropes, hitting the running knee for a two-count. Orton comes back, clotheslining Jericho in the corner and choking him in his own right. Chops from Jericho, and he throws Orton into the corner before launching himself at Randy, who dodges to send Chris right out to the floor! That angle looked awesome. On the outside, Y2J is thrown into the steel steps by Orton, and then takes a back suplex to the barricade. In the ring, Orton poses, nearly getting rolled-up for it, and clotheslines Jericho.

Sleeper hold by Randy Orton, and Jericho works his way to his feet, breaking out to hit some chops, but Orton retains control, slamming the back of Orton’s head into the mat. Another sleeper to Jericho, just in case you forgot you were watching a Randy Orton match, but Jericho hits some chops. They exchange strikes; Jericho comes off the ropes and takes down Orton. Orton throws Jericho over the ropes; he lands on the apron and comes off the top rope with a big elbow to Randy.

Walls of Jericho attempted now; Orton’s not going down easy, kicking Jericho away and hitting a powerslam for two. Chris is thrown into the corner, leapfrogs over Orton and hits his step-up enzuigiri for a near-fall. Big clothesline to Orton in the corner, and Jericho goes up high, only for Orton to hit the ropes to crotch Chris on the turnbuckle. He goes up as well, attempting a superplex, but Jericho’s blocking him, headbutting him to the mat. Flying crossbody gets another near-fall, and Chris chops away before Orton hits his backbreaker, trying to follow it up with a Vintage DDT, but Jericho reverses it into the Walls! Randy manages to reach the ropes and low-bridges Jericho; Chris tries to come right back up, but eats a knee and then the Vintage DDT. Orton sets up for the RKO and Jericho reverses, hitting the Lionsault! And we get Wyatt Interference, which is enough to distract Jericho enough that Orton hits the RKO for three.

Good match: nice blast from the past. Would be very interested to see the Viper against the Wyatts; his character would be a nice thing to throw against them. 3 Stars.

The Closest To A Lesbian Scene We’ll Get, Until The Sexual Tension Proves Too Much For AJ And Paige

Oh, we get Double Fandango tonight, in his fucking pimp ref shirt. Layla’s already in the ring, and here comes Summer Rae, teaching us the meaning of ‘cleavage window’. I mean…I’ve just never seen it that blatant. Layla snogs Fandango, and then Summer does. Okay, which McMahon did Curtis donate a kidney to?

Bell rings and Layla tries to go at Summer, but Fandango picks her up and stops her…and then does the same to Summer. And then he dances, because fucking Fandango, man. Then both girls start beating him up, because…they just finally realised what a skeeze he is? Fandango yells ‘I made you!’, which is hilarious to me because I’m a little drunk. Layla and Summer have a stare-down, and then have a dance-off…and then dance with each other. Actually, I’m kind of fine with that, as it’s the best possible ending to all of this.

Goldust Is The Stardust-Whisperer

Curtis Axel is in the ring, with Ryback on the outside. And then Goldust and Stardust come down, because these four guys are the only ones who can wrestle each other. I have to say, Cody is goddamn selling Stardust. Never let it be said that this man does not throw himself entirely into role.

Goldust and Axel tie up; Goldust takes Axel down with a shoulder block, shoots him back off the ropes and then gets him with an uppercut. Axel leans back through the ropes, getting Dust to back off, and takes him down with a clothesline to the back of the head. Stardust is up on the apron, doing some showboating for the crowd, and Goldust nearly catches Axel with a small package. A fist to the face puts Goldust down, and then a dropkick sends him out of the ring.

On the outside, Stardust gets up on the table and lounges, honestly, seductively. Axel gets into Stardust’s face, like he’s a Texan trucker and Stardust’s an effeminate gentleman. Goldust jumps Axel, throwing him back in the ring, as Stardust walks off wearing JBL’s hat. Is there some kind of law that bad things happen to the hat now? Rhodes Uppercut and an inverted atomic drop to Axel, who then reverses an Irish whip but runs right into a powerslam. Axel tries the Perfectplex, but Goldust reverses and the Final Cut ends things.

Decent enough and with a really good flow to it, but the focus was on Stardust (and rightfully so, really). 2.5 Stars.

Ryback immediately jumps Goldust, going for Shellshock, but Stardust dives into the ring and blows glitter into Ryback’s face. Apparently this is that new, special mace glitter that’s going around, because Ryback is all over the shop and then gets low-bridged as Stardust cackles like a maniac. God, this gimmick is hilariously weird.

That’s Our Bo!

Oh, jeez, El Torito. And Diego, as Fernando is still being dragged into a parking lot by the Wyatts. Their opponent is Bo Dallas, and his victory lap knock-down of El Torito from Monday has to be a .gif by now. He says he’s going to be handicapable, which is enough to crack me up again. He says that all of us are his tag team partners, and I shouldn’t be wrestling; I’m kinda drunk.

Bo starts off against Diego; Diego avoids the first contact, and then gets Bo in a headlock. He ducks Bo twice as he’s shot off, and then sweeps the legs out for a cover. Diego locks the arm, but Bo fights out, throwing hands in the corner. Diego’s thrown off the ropes, but rolls over Bo’s back and hits a dropkick. Bo tries to attack El Torito, who avoids him, and then dodges a charge from Diego, hitting the Bo Dog.

Another quick match, but at least El Torito was in no way involved, so hey. 2 Stars.

Bo grabs El Torito, and throws him in the ring. He acts a bit shocked, and sort of prods Torito with his foot before Bo Dogging him. I approve.

Russia vs. Samoa In Canada!

Rusev gets to the ring, followed by Roman Reigns, who still hasn’t learned the route to the Gorilla position. We recap his throwdown with Kane, and I love the name ‘Fit Finlay’: from a British perspective it’s like they’re constantly commenting on his sexiness.

The bell rings, and they tie up, testing each other’s strength. They separate, and then Rusev comes back with muay thai kicks, taking Reigns into the corner. Roman punches his way right out, sending Rusev into the opposite corner and then uppercutting Rusev out of the ring and off the apron. Lana holds Rusev back on the outside as we go to commercial.

Back from break, Rusev’s pinching a nerve in Roman’s neck, but Roman fights back momentarily, before Rusev puts him down with a spinning heel kick. Kicks to the corner, and then a big kick to the face sends Reigns to the mat. Rusev hits chops and headbutts to the head of Roman, before slamming the back of his head back off the canvas. Reigns hits a headbutt of his own, but Rusev gets another strike to the midsection, and then sends Reigns hard into the corner.

Kicks right to the stomach of the floored Reigns, and then Rusev goes right back to gripping the shoulders. Finally, Reigns explodes out of it, laying down strikes, and slamming a clothesline into Rusev, who doesn’t go down until a flying clothesline hits him. A Samoan drop puts him down again, harder, and then Reigns hits his running apron kick right to Rusev’s face. Roman winds up for the Superman Punch, slamming it into Rusev’s face, and the gets ready for the spear, but then Randy Orton comes out of nowhere, hanging Reigns up on the ropes for the DQ.

I rather liked this; always nice when you’ve got two guys who are running hot getting to go at each other. Shame we weren’t allowed a real result, but still. 2.5 Stars.

Rusev tries to attack Reigns after the match, but merely ends up helping Reigns express-deliver a Superman Punch to Orton’s jaw. A big kick floors Roman, and he goes to apply the Accolade…but Lana’s not allowing it. Well, that’s unexpected. Maybe she’s got a headache. Oh, she’s leaving Reigns to Orton, because she probably knows what’s about to happen…oh, wow…Orton actually manages to hit the RKO. And we actually end the show without Roman standing extremely dominant. I’m actually surprised.

This show definitely had its ups and downs, and the contrasts were stark. Orton vs. Jericho was clearly the match of the night, and I’m of the belief the Usos need to be shot if they persist in trying comedy. Seven.

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 07.11.2014 – No Jack Swagger in Canada, so Roman Reigns Takes on Rusev! Fri, 11 Jul 2014 00:04:42 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for Friday 7/11/14 featuring AJ Lee vs. Cameron, Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton and much more!

–Opening Segment: Roman Reigns and Rusev exchange pleasantries so they can fight later tonight!

–AJ Lee def. Cameron

–Renee Young interviewed Randy Orton about his match with Chris Jericho tonight

–Adam Rose def. Fandango by count out – more fun with Summer Rae and Layla to distract Fandango

–The Usos def. Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil – Usos promo on Wyatt Family afterwards

–Layla vs. Summer Rae no contest with Fandango as special referee – they attacked him

–Goldust beat Ryback

–Bo Dallas def. Diego and El Torito in a handicap match

–Roman Reigns def. Rusev by DQ – Randy Orton interfered to end the match

END SHOW×250.jpg×120.jpg

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HTC Wrestling Pulsecast: MITB Review, Live/In-Person Reaction To Huge RAW & More Tue, 08 Jul 2014 17:39:11 +0000 HTC Wrestling Pulsecast

Matt Harrak, Justin Czerwonka and Cameron Dougharty give their thoughts on the big Money In The Bank PPV, a loaded Monday Night RAW featuring the return of Chris Jericho and AJ Lee, the firing/re-hiring of Emma and much more!×120-2013.jpg×250-wrestling-pulsecast.jpg

]]> 0 aj lee,chris jericho,HTC Wrestling Pulsecast,money in the bank,Raw,Smackdown,TNA,WWE The HTC crew give their thoughts on MITB, a loaded RAW and much more! ( Matt Harrak, Justin Czerwonka and Cameron Dougharty give their thoughts on the big Money In The Bank PPV, a loaded Monday Night RAW featuring the return of Chris Jericho and AJ Lee, the firing/re-hiring of Emma and much more! Inside Pulse Wrestling no 1:44:39
Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for July 4th 2014: Enjoy Your Goddamn Independence Fri, 04 Jul 2014 21:15:14 +0000 Hey sports fans. It’s my distinct pleasure to cover SmackDown on this: Independence Day. Because you guys are apparently still really smug about that kind of thing, and it doesn’t even matter because Britain is a strong, independent country who don’t need no colony. Although at least we retained our ‘special relationship’, which apparently is the equivalent of political fuck-buddies

As a devil’s advocated-centred counterpoint to you guys actually having fun today, I’ll be writing this review whilst sipping a Newcastle Brown Ale and feasting upon Beef Wellington: the most English of all dishes, due to it possibly being named after a guy who beat seven shades of surrender out of the French (writer’s note: most English food is incredibly awful).

Well, on with the show.

We begin with a recap (sort of like Independence Day itself, I guess) of RAW. Cena’s on top again and is feuding with management, so it might as well be 2006 once again, right down to the video game cover. Also, let me be the first to congratulate Cena on finding a more ridiculous way to wear those belts than Randy Orton: you’ve seen the Championship Shoulderpads; now gaze in amazement at the Championship Bra. Blah blah Triple H, blah blah holding a briefcase, blah blah cold fingers of fear down my spine.

So, I still don’t recognise Rollins’ theme properly, but at least the bitchin’ black suit is stylish enough to excuse the garish gold briefcase. Also just realised that Seth Rollins kind of looks like Sandor Clegane in the right light (fuck the king). He says that he was seconds away from cashing in his briefcase; Cena got lucky, but the clock is still ticking. Seth then quotes Fight Club, furthering my belief that he and Ambrose are actually the same person.

Ambrose shows up, and that doesn’t disprove my theory at all. He says that no matter what happens, he’ll always be there (because he’s Rollins’ Tyler Durden). He says the briefcase is cursed, and that would be an amazing angle. The two of them go at it in the ring, but Orton shows up due to his consistent lack of anything else to do, followed by Roman Reigns, because Orton’s face isn’t getting punched at that particular moment. Ambrose and Roman clear the ring, and it’s nice to see those two actually kept in touch. Triple H arrives and puts Ambrose in a match with Orton and tells Roman if he interferes then he’s not allowed in the Battleground Championship Match. Because banning Reigns from matches has totally worked before and nobody got poisoned.

Cesaro Smash

Okay, honestly, why is Langston suddenly either really intense when it comes to public speaking or constantly having a mild stroke? Ironically, he’s actually not brought his bullshit patriotism with him this week, which I massively appreciate. We see the end of the Cesaro/Kingston match, and it’s actually not a recap, because it only happened on the app; well played, WWE. Heyman comes out and for some reason doesn’t mention the Streak, only introducing Cesaro.

Cesaro boots the shit out of Big E, hurling him out of the ring and into the barricade. Cesaro fights like Big E talks. Langston manages to halt the momentum, throwing Cesaro into the timekeeper’s area. But ain’t nobody got time for that, and Cesaro slams a chair into Big E’s back, and then full-on hurls the timekeeper’s chair at Langston; both current Heyman Guys hate furniture, I guess. Big E’s thrown over the announce table, then into the steps. This is supposed to be a heel thing, I guess, but it’s damn exciting. Langston manages to catch Cesaro and belly-to-belly him. They’re separated, and it takes five refs to hold back Langston, but only one Heyman to hold back Cesaro; Paul’s a beast.

Backstage, Goldust and Stardust have stolen both Bray’s hangout spot and his gimmick of acting like he’s under the influence (but they’re second on his list: right after Adam Rose). The Shield are watching this and thanking God they moved out before these guys moved in.

Roman is backstage, and sullen that he’s getting interviewed by Not-Renee. He says he’s going to concentrate on the battle royal, so screw Ambrose.

This Is What Happens When You Get Independence

Ah, here’s Sheamus: someone from another country who decided to fuck off out from under Britain’s fair rulership. And he’s wearing the United States Championship; yeah, yeah, rub it in. Obviously, since this is Independence Day and he’s entering into a feud with Jack Swagger and this is the greatest opportunity that they’ll ever get to do this, the person who takes the Open Challenge will be Alexander…Del Rio. Well, I suppose Independence Day is about dredging up ancient history, so in a way this is rather fitting.

The Irishman and Mexican circle each other, and I don’t know if I’m more disappointed in the writers for missing a great opportunity, or myself for not expecting that. They brawl in the corner, with Sheamus getting the upper hand, only for Del Rio to snapmare and kick him. Punches to Sheamus in the corner, but Alberto runs into a right hand and a rolling senton. Sheamus drops a knee to the forehead, and then punches away. Michael starts laughing at the time Del Rio was a victim of grand theft auto and criminal damage by Sheamus, because he’s a psychopath. Del Rio levels Sheamus with a clothesline and boots him right in the head. Sheamus recovers, hurling Alberto into a barricade on the outside, but gets thrown into the steps off a reversed Irish whip. Backstabber on the ring apron as we go to the break.

We return as Sheamus hurls himself at Del Rio, sending both of them out of the ring; both men are down as the ref counts, but they get back in in time. Slugfest starts and Sheamus hits some axe-handles before running into a boot, only to hit the Irish Curse backbreaker. It’s funny how this match would work way better on St Patrick’s Day or Cinco de Mayo. Alberto fights back, going for the Cross Armbreaker; Sheamus counters but gets caught in a tornado DDT. Del Rio stays on Sheamus, looking frustrated, and I have to admit I take Mexico’s Greatest Export more seriously after he kicked the fuck out of Bray Wyatt at Money in the Bank. Sheamus catches up to Del Rio on the second rope, and tries a superplex; Alberto fights out and Sheamus delivers the clubbing blows on the top rope as the ref counts as slow as he can. Flying shoulder tackle takes down Del Rio and Sheamus calls for the Brogue; Del Rio ducks and applies the cross armbreaker; Sheamus fights back, applying the Cloverleaf only for Sheamus to reach the ropes. Sheamus almost has Del Rio in an electric chair drop, but Alberto gets the cross armbreaker before Sheamus powerbombs him into the corner; a running charge sends Sheamus shoulder-first into the corner and he eats The Kick That Won Del Rio The World Heavyweight Championship; Del Rio tries for a moonsault, misses, lands on his feet and eats a Brogue Kick for the finish.

Yeah, yeah, fine: decent match. Doesn’t make me any less annoyed, or less aware of the fact that we’ve all seen this coupling frequently. 2 Stars.

We recap and interview between Michael and Daniel Bryan, and oh God, those are his clothes.

Instead Of ‘Injured’, Can We Start Saying ‘Was Dragged Into A Parking Lot By The Wyatts’?

Here’s Bo Dallas, who dedicates his entry into the IC Championship battle royal to Daniel Bryan. He’s facing Diego, because Fernando is…injured. If this keeps up, the only people employed and cleared for action will be John Cena and Randy Orton and oh my God, this was always their plan!

Diego says ‘ole’, as does Bo, and Diego dropkicks him. Bo fights back, taking Diego down and then says ‘yeah baby’. Hah: JeriBo. Diego manages to get some offence, surprisingly, but Bo puts a stop to that by throwing Diego shoulder-first into the turnbuckle, and ends it with the Bo Dog.

Short match, but good whilst it lasted. Obviously, no hint of a secret who was going to win. 2 Stars.

Bo then tries to be inspirational to a dwarf forced to wear a bull costume; JBL supports this, despite having stated multiple times his desire to legally own El Torito. He’s a complicated man. Torito then gores Bo, like the pintsized dickhead that he is. Bo bodyslams El Torito, which according to Michael Cole makes him Satan.

We see the return of Chris Jericho, and it’s like they think we all watch SmackDown, but not RAW. Also, the real victim of this whole situation is the Miz, because he appeared in a movie called The Marine 4.

Jericho is here, in his sparkly jacket, so at least we’re going to see a guy who can give Bray a run for his money on the mic. He gets serious as he talks about getting beaten up by three big dudes with beards (and if you’re going to be serious about anything…). He says that the Wyatts are one of the most dominant forces in the WWE, apparently missing the past three months of them getting Cena’d. He thanks the Wyatts, although does not then request ‘can I have another’. He says the WWE is about survival, and that he can be a little dangerous, because he doesn’t think, look and act like anyone else: he can get a little crazy; he can gets nuts; this is starting to sound like a broadway musical, and then Bray interferences his way in. He mocks the ‘save us’ campaign, telling Chris to save himself.

Chris gets some fighting talk going, but then the Miz shows up. Urgh, he’s like the exact opposite of Bray Wyatt. On the subject, however, of the Miz: rolled-up shirt and jacket sleeves; is that acceptable or a douche move? He says he could have helped Chris against the Wyatts, but says that Jericho tried to hurt his face. The second he gets in the ring, Jericho Codebreakers him. So far, I have to say that if this is the way Jericho plans on behaving in this feud, then I’m in.

What Happens To Your Offensive Ability When You Become The Divas Champion?

Eva Marie is in the ring and Paige is, I think, supposed to be on commentary, but has eschewed the wearing of a headset; we British want no part in your Independence Day festivities, thank you. AJ shows up, and I’d forgotten how big the Divas Title looked on her. Man, Paige deserved to lose for the use of the line ‘this is my house now’ in that accent.

Eva pushes AJ down to the floor, and ohshit.jpg. Wow, she actually throws AJ out of the ring. What’s going on here? AJ’s head gets hit off the turnbuckle and she’s taken down by a clothesline. Finally, she gets the boots up and sleepers Eva Marie; Eva tries to turn it into a sidewalk slam, but AJ applies the Black Widow and that’s the match.

Watch Eva Marie move in the ring, and then watch AJ move in the ring. The difference is that one of them is actually able to; not sure why there was so much of Eva’s inexpert offence on the Diva’s champ, unless they were deliberately referencing Paige’s usual match style. 1 Star.

Paige comes in the ring, applauding, and she shakes hands with AJ Lee, who seems happy to do so. Wow, did the WWE actually manage to make an angle between two women who respect each other and face each other solely due to a shared love of the championship, wrestling and healthy competition? Yeah, I don’t really think so either.

Wow, here’s Damien Sandow dressed as Bruce Springsteen. He is immediately interrupted by Rusev, with his giant flag and fake version of a real Russian medal. Sandow actually goes after Rusev, but gets mauled. Big USA chant as Lana takes the mic. She says that today is America’s birthday, and mocks Independence Day. Hey, at least they didn’t declare independence from you, toots. Swagger’s music starts, and Rusev’s angry face is a thing of hysterical beauty. And imagine how awesome this would be if Rusev was wearing the United States Championship… Zeb trolls the hell out of Lana by stating America’s accomplishments and manages to get a pop for vodka. Yeah, I like this angle so far, although I think that Swagger needs to become the WWE’s version of Sterling Archer to really sell the anti-Russian thing. Lana gets pissy as Swagger and Zeb get in the ring; Coulter looks so damn happy at getting the face treatment. I have to say, this is actually way more fun than I thought it would be; we’ve got duelling ‘We The People’ and ‘USA’ chants going. Rusev gets out of the ring like the massive, muscular pussy that he is. JBL says that Jack Swagger is a dangerous man, and I think Barrett and Ziggler would agree.

Seth Rollins Is Going To Have To Eat Every Fucking Chicken In This Arena

Rollins is on commentary, trying to argue morality and ethics with Michael Cole, which is like trying to build an aircraft carrier entirely out of sand. Randy and Ambrose show up, and ‘Randy Ambrose’ would be an awesome name. Bell rings, and Dean throws punches, knocking Orton around the ring. Punches to Orton in the corner, then a clothesline. Randy manages to take Ambrose down at the injured shoulder, rolling out of the ring. Back in the ring, Dean goes on the attack again, hitting several blows and trying for a suplex, but his shoulder’s too weak and Orton drops him with a dropkick, immediately working the shoulder; Dean rolls out and stomps Orton’s midsection. He traps Randy’s legs and claws back on his face. Orton manages to pull Ambrose into the turnbuckle and hangs Dean’s shoulder up on the ropes. Michael keeps seeming to not understand that it’s not really possible to cheat in a match with no disqualifications; this is actually worse than when he got annoyed at Sandow for winning his ladder match entirely legally. Ambrose tries to punch his way out, and catches Orton with a crossbody; he tries his rebound clothesline but Orton kicks him right out of the ring.

Back from the break, Randy is firmly in control, but runs into a boot from Ambrose in the corner. Michael asks ‘who says Seth Rollins built the Shield’ and JBL points out that Michael did, calling Rollins ‘the architect of the Shield’ for months. That was so satisfying a moment I actually had to check and see if I’d had an orgasm (I had, but it was unrelated, and if you wrote the way I write you’d understand). Ambrose is flung into the turnbuckle. Michael and JBL and Seth all take a moment to talk about how amazing Seth’s suit is, which I appreciate. More turnbuckle trauma to Ambrose’s shoulder, and Dean is back-suplexed onto the barricade. Orton works the arm back in the ring before Ambrose fights out, throwing Orton shoulder-first into the post.

Orton and Dean punch off; Ambrose ducks a clothesline and takes down Randy. Irish whip sends Ambrose into the corner, but he hits a back elbow off the top and clotheslines Orton out of the ring. Seth says he knows Ambrose better than Ambrose knows himself (because they’re the same person) as Dean hurls himself through the ropes onto Randy. Orton eats barricade and gets tossed into the ring, but Ambrose immense attraction to Rollins is too much to resist, and Dean hurls himself at Seth; do it, Dean. Go to him. Don’t try to be anyone else for anyone. He hangs Orton up on the ropes and rolls him up for the near fall. Orton uppercuts Dean, who rebounds with a clothesline, trying for Dirty Deeds; he gets pushed off the ropes and into a powerslam. Vintage DDT attempted by Orton, but he gets thrown over the ropes; Dean tries to go after him, but Seth clobbers him in the shoulder with the briefcase for the DQ.

That wasn’t bad, I guess. I like Ambrose’s style, but when someone’s injured or pretending to be, there’s always going to be limitations to it. 2.5 Stars.

In the ring, Orton and Rollins start attacking Ambrose’s shoulder, but Reigns shows up and pushes Seth off the turnbuckle before Superman Punching Orton. Rollins pulls Randy out of the ring before Roman can spear him.

This was an okay SmackDown; it just wasn’t up to the quality of the last few weeks. High point was definitely Zeb Coulter, and I have never said that before. Six.

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 07.04.2014 – Seth Rollins is In The Building so Dean Ambrose Is Not Far Behind Thu, 03 Jul 2014 13:10:27 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for 7/4/14 featuring continued build to Battleground and a U.S. Title Match in time for Independence Day.

Opening Segment: Seth Rollins appeared, and so did Dean Ambrose. Randy Orton ran in after Ambrose attacked Rollins, then Roman Reigns made the save.

Triple H then booked Ambrose vs. Orton for tonight, if Reigns interferes during the match then he is out of the Fatal Four Way at Battleground.

–Big E def. Cesaro by count out – Cesaro walked away

–Sheamus (c) def. Alberto Del Rio to retain the U.S. Title

–Bo Dallas def. one of Los Matadores

–Chris Jericho came out and was interrupted by a Wyatts promo. The Miz then hit the ring and ate a Codebreaker

–AJ Lee def. Eva Marie – huge pop for AJ in a squash match

–Damien Sandow dressed as Bruce Springsteen and was interrupted by Lana and Rusev. Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter then joined in and Rusev and Lana backed off.

–Dean Ambrose def. Randy Orton via DQ — Rollins interfered, then after the match Reigns ran in to end the show.

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for June 27th 2014: People Get Really Distracted By Belts Above Their Heads Fri, 27 Jun 2014 23:51:33 +0000 Hey there folks and…other folks. In a break from the tradition of the past couple of weeks, I’m actually going to be submitting this around about the area of ‘on time’ (this is mainly due to the fact that my coursework is ready for collection tomorrow, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here writing a review when I could be sitting in a traffic jam dreading the future).

We start with a recap of…well, it starts at WrestleMania, which I don’t think is a record, but it’s up there. I still can’t see Kane as a genuine threat to any real championship contender, especially not after he dramatically cleared the ring on Monday and then got straight-up destroyed by an exhausted Roman Reigns.

We start off with probably-Evolution-2.0 in the ring. Stephanie’s not there, and I’m not sure whether that’s because Trips still doesn’t like the idea of Orton and his wife in the same ring. And let me just say: Rollins can fucking rock a black suit. Also, considering his former teammates now spend their time poisoning women or being crazy, maybe hanging around with his boss was a decent call. Triple H talks about eras, making us all pine for whatever we define as our own personal wrestling nostalgia (Lesnar as WWE Champ, incredible tag team matches and the return of Shawn Michaels). Apparently this is the ‘Reality Era’, although Triple H says it should be called ‘The Authority Era’, and that tells you everything you need to know about this guy. We’re again promised a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and can you imagine if that didn’t happen? None of them could be bothered to wrestle and all played poker instead? Hunter says Orton will get the belt and Rollins will get the briefcase: in other words, Triple H either expects Orton to lose the belt inside of a year or expects Rollins to screw them both over.

Orton takes the mic and threatens us with another awful championship reign: that heelish prick. And Rollins brings up ‘Plan B’ again, so now Evolution stands against creationism and the sanctity of life: suck it, Catholics. Orton gets all fierce at the implication that he might not win, and so Rollins diplomatically repeats his belief that Randy might not win. Mr Orton, always up for a fight with someone who could beat the shit out of him, shows aggression. Triple H plays camp counsellor and says that they should trust each other because he trusts them. In other words, Triple H has total faith in the guy who stabbed his best friends in the back less than a month ago and the guy who’s screwed over practically everyone ever and assaulted his wife. Maybe having Shawn Michaels as a best friend skews your perspective when it comes to trusting people. He addresses the Dean Ambrose issue and does his fucking Dick Van Dyke impression to introduce Wade Barrett.

I’ve Got Bad News For Barrett’s Shoulder Joint

Ambrose makes his entrance as well, and I’m unsure about both his music and the sleeveless hooded jacket. Bell rings, the men tie up and Ambrose throws hands and stomps in the corner. Barrett bulls his way back into it, misses a clothesline and gets Thesz-pressed by Ambrose and tossed through the ropes. Wade’s whacked off the apron and the barricade, and then is thrown back into the ring, managing to catch Dean with a big kick. Neckbreaker by Barrett, and we get our first OMINOUS VIEW of the MITB briefcase tonight. I mean…gold? Really? Maybe they’re hoping the feeling of fashion suicide will prompt a rapid cash-in.

Barrett his knees to the head of Ambrose, who’s tied up in the ropes, then a boot knocks him out of the ring. Someone yells ‘suck it up; you got him’ to Ambrose, and no he doesn’t, Random Fan; he is lying in pain on the outside. Oh, and now he’s getting thrown into the barricade. And a turnbuckle. All according to plan. Forearms lace Dean’s back on the turnbuckle, then a kick throws him off it. Headlock to Ambrose. Headbutts get Dean out; a back elbow puts him down and into a sleeper. A reaaaaally long sleeper. Ambrose slaps some life into himself, ducks a clothesline and hits forearms before slamming the back of Barrett’s head off the mat. He goes up high, but Barrett throws him back down. Pumphandle slam; Ambrose slides out and clotheslines Wade big-time. Dirty Deeds gets the pin, which Michael actually missed for a moment or so.

Pretty decent match, although the finish was a little abrupt. Nothing really to complain about: good bout to start. 2.5 stars.

Swagger’s music kicks in, and Ambrose wants himself a piece of some racists. Swagger, on the other hand, notices the foreigner by the barricade and uses said-barricade to dislocate the man’s shoulder. Thanks, Swagger. Don’t know how we’d injure people without you. Ambrose breaks up this further shelving of talent, diving out of the ring onto Swagger. He wallops Simple Jack with a small ladder and tosses him back into the ring, which Swagger then dumps him out of. Ambrose comes back as Jack’s distracted by how goddamned garish that briefcase is, and they brawl on the outside. Rollins then appears, hurling Dean into the steps and Curb Stomping him. Either he still hates Ambrose or has started disliking Barrett. I love how Roman apparently does not give two shits about any of this, but then he’s probably busy pouring sleeping pills into the coffee machine.

Hah…Women, Right?

Seems like it’s Cameron vs. Paige, and I wasn’t particularly paying attention to the commentary from Monday night, but apparently people would be more inclined to listen to the speeches of Hitler than Cameron with a headset. Today we’ve got Naomi on commentary, so let’s see if Naomi’s the better talker as well as the better wrestler. And apparently Cameron’s decided that she’s decided that the next few weeks are going to involve both being a bitch and blinding pain, because she slapped Paige; you could see the decision to break Cameron’s spine in the Divas Champion’s eyes. Also, Naomi’s lipstick for her MITB avatar is sparkling green. The honest fuck?

The girls lock up and careful, Paige: Cameron could be deadly with those shite-looking clotheslines. Paige backs Cameron into a corner and straight up stomps the crap out of her. Meanwhile, Naomi basically admits that Cameron is either crazy or a bitch. Paige hops over Cameron, who hits a facebuster for two. Headscissors to Paige’s neck, and she fights her way out of that, hitting the Paige Turner to basically demonstrate that Cameron is the second-best Funkadactyl. Have fun making analogies for that one.

Not much of a match, really; I think Cameron got maybe three moves altogether. 2 Stars.

Naomi gets into the ring and she and Paige have a stare-down, until Cameron jumps Paige. And I’ve just realised, with Naomi, Cameron, Alicia and Tamina to enter under her ‘feuded with’ heading, Paige is the skinny British female Rusev. Naomi tries to fix things and Cameron shoves her into Paige. Paige, who as we’ve already established is very easy to distract and fool, gets in Naomi’s face as the ref tries to cop a crafty feel.

If The Usos Lose The Belts, Will They Stop Showing Up At Other People’s Matches?

Sheamus is here and will be facing Bray Wyatt. I found a hat which looks exactly like Bray’s white one in a discount store; I’d have bought it but I looked beyond ridiculous wearing it. What’s the betting that the Usos show up in a way that should be cool and heroic but instead makes them look desperate? Bray and Sheamus tie up, and Wyatt shoves the Irishman away. No white pants, Bray? Sheamus is shot off the ropes and shoulder tackles Bray, and then both men go to work with fists. Sheamus is reverse-whipped into the corner, but gets the boots up, then goes up high and hits the diving shoulder block. Bray fights off an attempt at the clubbing blows to the chest, and hides behind Rowan. Harper distracts Sheamus and Bray trips him up on the apron.

Back from the break, Bray hits a crossbody, and the Usos are now at ringside. At least they had the decency to do that kind of thing during the adverts. Bray kicks Sheamus and then chokes him on the ropes. He hoists Sheamus up on the turnbuckle, who tries to fight back with headbutts but gets whacked onto the floor. Bray heads out after Sheamus, working him over on the outside. Back in the ring, Sheamus gets beaten down in the corner, blocks a suplex for a moment and then takes it anyway. Headlock to Sheamus in the centre of the ring, but he starts rising to his feet, only to take an uppercut. Bray charges at Sheamus, who levels him with a big clothesline. Wyatt’s tossed out onto the apron, then takes the Ten Beats of the Whatsit. He rolls out of the rolling senton, but eats axe-handles, dodges a running knee and gets bodyslammed.

Sheamus tries the Texas Cloverleaf, but Wyatt fights out of it, hitting a back senton of his own. Sister Abigail is elbowed out of, and Sheamus hits a sloppy Irish Curse, following it up with a flying knee to the face. Texas Cloverleaf locked in, and the Wyatts break it up.

Good, hard-hitting match here, and it advertised well. Still, I’m starting to worry about the amount of interference Bray’s getting saved by these days. We’ll see, I guess. 2.5 Stars.

The Wyatts are tossed out of the ring and get dived on by the Usos. Bray tries to hit Sister Abigail, gets tossed away but dodges a Brogue Kick. And Sheamus has managed to start annoying me again without me even realising.

Not-Renee is backstage with Goldust, who tries to talk to him but gets…I honestly don’t have a verb for this, but Stardust shows up and has either drank coffee that Roman Reigns gave him or has breathed the air anywhere near Adam Rose. If you know what I mean.

The ‘Guys Who Ain’t Winning On Sunday’ Match

In the ring are Van Dam, Ziggler, Del Rio and Cesaro, so I guess it’s mix n’ match ladder match opponents? Heyman’s on commentary and refuses to answer Michael’s questions, and damn it, he’s right. RVD and ADR start off and Del Rio hits a shoulder tackle, then kicks to Van Dam in the corner. Rob throws Alberto into the opposite corner and hits a monkey flip. Big kick to Del Rio as we get our Obligatory Streak Reference. Ziggler hits an elbow drop, but gets pancaked by Alberto. Tag now to Cesaro, who stands on Dolph’s face for symbolism’s sake. Michael then accuses Heyman of not having one his clients win a Money In The Bank match, despite the fact that none of his clients ever entered one whilst in his employ (usually because they were doing way more high-profile stuff) and the fact that both Van Dam and Punk have won it previously. The fuck is telling Michael Cole what to say, because I refuse to believe a war journalist wrote that statement.

Enzuigiri to Dolph Ziggler, then a tag to Cesaro. Ziggler ducks Cesaro twice and hits a crossbody and a splash, but far more entertaining is Heyman calling Michael Cole out on his vast field of fertile bullshit. Ziggler dodges Cesaro, hitting a Fameasser. Zig-Zag’s attempted, but Cesaro throws Ziggler off him as Alberto gets the tag. Dropkick to Cesaro, but Dolph gets taken out by Del Rio, knocked out of the ring. Ziggler’s thrown into the barricade and back into the ring as Cesaro comes in. Sleeper hold to Cesaro and Heyman tells Michael ‘I don’t like you’. This actually feels like it’s about something else as Cesaro hits a sidewalk slam. Tag to Alberto, who drops knees to Ziggler and mocks RVD. Snapmare takeover and a dropkick to Dolph, followed by a sleeper.

Ziggler hits a sunset flip, but then takes a violent-looking tilt-a-whirl and a fist from the top rope. Cesaro comes in and floors Ziggler with a fist, then applies a sleeper (I took a break there to write a comment on the possible Lesnar vs. Cena discussion; I might have gone a bit overboard). Ziggler manages headscissors Cesaro into a sleeper, who fights out of it. Ziggler tosses Cesaro out of the ring and crawls to Van Dam; Cesaro is thrown back into the ring by Del Rio, who comes in off the tag, but so does RVD. Rob kicks everyone, hitting Rolling Thunder to Del Rio, who manages to hit an armbreaker, but misses the enzuigiri. Split-leg moonsault to Alberto; Cesaro breaks up the pin and uppercuts Ziggler. Van Dam kicks Cesaro out of the ring, frogsplashes onto Del Rio’s raised knees and taps to the cross armbar.

Good match: best one so far. Del Rio looked more like a main eventer here, and I’m glad he was able to get the win. Still not holding out much hope for him at the PPV… 3 Stars.

Del Rio gets in Cesaro’s and Heyman’s faces, and why would you do that, Alberto? He eats a Neutraliser, which I think was Cesaro’s way of asking the same question.

Renee Young is backstage with the Usos, who managed to resist being at ringside for any more matches tonight. She asks how they feel about defending their titles, and I think they’re both trying to be the Rock but have nowhere near the level of charisma to pull that off (honestly, though: who does?).

It’s Roman Reigns vs. Kane later, and Michael says that Kane has not forgotten Reigns spearing him on Monday night. Apparently he’s not taking it as a warning, though.

Rusev Is So Awesome, He Prevented Sin Cara’s Mood Lighting

Rusev and Lana are in the ring, and I swear, her engaging in roleplay must be just terrifying. Plus, Rusev seriously has some ‘come hither’ eyes when he looks at Putin. Lana says something about how you guys are all decadent, and whilst we’re on the subject of the USA, congratulations on still being in the World Cup. I’m serious: nothing is making me happier right now than Britain being out and you guys being in, because nothing is annoying every British football fan I know more. It’s just…it’s beautiful.

Sin Cara gets in four kicks before Rusev destroys him.

I still get pleasure out of watching this; I think there’s something wrong with me. 2 Stars.

And here comes Big E, and I think his ‘inspirational’ style of speaking is actually just as much of a parody as Lana’s. And I need him to just go: ‘Lana. Lana. Lana! LAAAAANAAA!!’ ‘ЧТО?!’ ‘Danger zone…’ And according to him, you all work in steel mills or plants, which I did not know. He takes out Rusev, so it looks like he’s finally realised that he’s more muscular than Rusev is.

We recap Vickie getting fired. It must be weird to work in a world where employee rights and safeguarding don’t exist; if my boss told me I could keep my job if I successfully wrestled them into a big paddling pool full of mud or pudding, they would be on the receiving end of a sexual harassment claim so huge that I could afford to spend the rest of my life sitting around and writing novels (note to self: start winking at boss).

Is Kane Really Considered A Threat To Anyone?

Kane shows up to the ring, and I really want for him to drop unconscious and for us to be shown a recap of Roman Reigns dumping sleeping pills into the arena’s water coolers and laughing maniacally (I’ve really done a 180 on how funny spiking people’s drinks is, haven’t I?) Here comes Roman Reigns; imagine if roofie-ing people was his way of dealing with Rollins’ betrayal.

Kane hits a shoulder tackle, then an uppercut, and then eats a shoulder tackle himself. Headbutts to the Big Red Machine, and he fights back before taking a bodyslam. Roman attempts a backdrop, but Kane hits a DDT instead. Back from the break, Kane has Reigns in a sleeper, then throws him off the ropes and takes a headbutt, then a Samoan drop. Some early big moves here. Big boot from Kane puts Reigns down, then a clothesline to the corner and a sidewalk slam for two. Kane heads to the outside, dismantling the announce table. He tries to chokeslam Reigns, and gets driven right into the steps before hitting Reigns right in the mouth.

Back in the ring, Kane eats a flying clothesline, then another clothesline in the corner. Running dropkick to Kane’s mask, then a Superman Punch as Reigns looks to make Kane his Big Red Bitch. And then Orton shows up and hangs Roman up on the ropes, getting the DQ.

This seemed weirdly paced: a lot of big moves early. Probably a time constraint thing, but it always felt like the end was very close. 2 Stars.

Orton takes it to Reigns in the corner, and Kane should really be annoyed at Orton for making him lose via DQ. Unless this is a prearranged mugging in order to teach Roman the rights and wrongs of putting things in unattended drinks (are there any rights of that, actually?). Superman Punch to Orton, and then a chokeslam from Kane to Reigns. Kane heads out of the ring, and then gets the big ladder (as a Freudian ‘fuck you’ to Dean Ambrose). He actually looks like he’s going to lace Orton with it, but apparently is going to climb it and take the belts. Or he’s set the ladder up for Orton to climb. Don’t do it, Randy. It’s not the real match; you get nothing for doing this and it’s very dangerous. Randy…Randy…wait…Randy…

Orton takes off the belts, with the only thing achieved by that being that someone from the ring crew not now having to do it. Go on, Randy: put the belts over your shoulders again, like you don’t have a fucking torso. Kane sets up to chokeslam Reigns again, but Orton apparently wants him some. Or is…going for the punt? Probably a good idea to try to concuss the most dominant guy in this match now, really. Reigns disagrees, and spears both Orton and Kane. He then holds both belts up to close the show (he then hangs them back up, because the ring crew need to do their own damn jobs).

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 06.27.2014 – Money In The Bank 2014 Go Home Show a.k.a. Who Will Jack Swagger Deport Via Injury This Week? Thu, 26 Jun 2014 19:45:48 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for Friday 6/27/14 featuring the MITB go home show and more!

Opening segment: Triple H comes out with Randy Orton and Seth Rollins. Both of them say they’ll win the MITB matches.

Dean Ambrose def. Bad News Barrett – afterwards Jack Swagger separates Barrett’s shoulder. Then, Ambrose hits Swagger with a ladder and Rollins curb stomps Ambrose.

Paige def. Cameron

Sheamus def. Bray Wyatt via DQ. – Rowan and Harper ran in, then The Usos

Cesaro and Alberto Del Rio def. Rob Van Dam and Dolph Ziggler – Cesaro attacked his own partner Del Rio after the match.

Rusev def. Sin Cara after a Lana promo – Big E had a stare-down with Rusev after the match, then Big E knocked him out of the ring

Roman Reigns def. Kane via DQ when Randy Orton attacked Reigns, but then Reigns speared Orton. Kane then Choke Slammed Reigns and let Orton climb a ladder to grab the titles. Reigns then speared Orton and Kane and posed with the titles to close the show.

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I’m Afraid I’ve Got Some Bad News! Wade Barrett Injured by Jack Swagger at SmackDown Tapings Wed, 25 Jun 2014 20:26:56 +0000 At this week’s WWE SmackDown tapings, Bad News Barrett suffered a separated shoulder at the hands of Jack Swagger.

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Breaking News: Stephanie McMahon Wrestling Tonight on Monday Night Raw Tue, 24 Jun 2014 00:47:19 +0000 Tonight on Raw, Stephanie McMahon will wrestle for the first time in years when she faces Vickie Guerrero. If Stephanie wins, Vickie will be fired.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for June 20th 2014: Roman Reigns Poisons Women Sat, 21 Jun 2014 12:22:06 +0000 Hey there, ladies and gentlemen. Again, I must apologise for this being uploaded later than usual; this time it was because I spent my Friday night running from zombies. And yes, I know that sounds like a really awful attempt at a lie, but actually…

 Zombie Run

I felt like I needed to provide evidence. You’ll notice from my cheery demeanour and non-blood-splattered face that I survived the experience, which felt like a bigger accomplishment than it should.

Right, that’s my tardiness explained: let’s get to wrestling.

God, I still hate this music for the SmackDown! intro. Oh, and a recap of us being forced to watch a stretcher match involving both Kane and Cena. Safe to say the best moment of that was Ambrose and Rollins getting their hands on each other. And why the hell doesn’t Cena use his instant-concussion-stair-toss to open the match?

And tonight, Cesaro, Orton, Wyatt and Del Rio will face Cena, Reigns and Sheamus in a four-on-three handicap match. Whether this is because the Authority was somehow involved or because whoever made this match saw Orton and Del Rio as a detriment to their team is not yet clear. And are we going to open up the fact that Roman Reigns is walking around with the ingredients and moral compass to effectively and rapidly poison women? Because I feel like they have arguable video evidence to have him put in jail. Or is this going to be a running gag with every week Steph getting really happy, then the week after philosophical, then unconscious, then joining Adam Rose’s Posse?

Here comes John Cena. Is he here to denounce Roman making drink-spiking a face action? And I heard the words ‘fifteen time world champion’ referring to John Cena and went cold. JBL acts like beating Kane in stipulation match is something you can pretend is an accomplishment. Cena is currently in comedy mode, so I begin the ‘until he mentions poop’ countdown. He recaps the belt situation kinda succinctly, actually, then he gets serious and says he’s going to put every one of the MITB participants in a line and punching them, making them a symbolic representation of every Cena opponent since 2005.

I’m happy that Cena is now interrupted, but did it have to be Del Rio? Insert bland heel speech of blandness here. He says he doesn’t think Cena remembers how dangerous he is, and this is the guy with the arm-submission hold who lost to the man with the injured arm talking. And here’s Sheamus, so it’s gradual escalation of importance here. He mentions the fact that if he won he’d have three belts, and here’s Cesaro with Heyman. Oh God, we could actually have Heyman and Wyatt in the same place. Heyman talks for Cesaro like a domineering husband. Obligatory Streak Reference, and I’m toying with the idea of putting ‘my client, Brock Lesnar, conquered the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at WrestleMania’ on my CV (I’ve started the full-time job hunt now that my Master’s is over; please provide references for me in the comment section of this article). Oh, Roman Reigns has showed up, so beermats over your drinks, ladies. Roman says he doesn’t trust people, and I don’t see why anyone should trust him. He gives Cena a stare-down, and I vote he kills him.

Orton shows up to kill the mood. Man, his thighs are shiny. Orton says the company was at an all-time high whilst he was champ; when he lost the belts, WWE lost its stock. Roman immediately goes for Orton on the outside, and no! No! Give us Bray! The guys in the ring decide that if those two are fighting, they will too. Cena’s left standing in the ring with Sheamus.

Seth Rollins, Rocking Quite The Upper Body

Well, looks like Seth Rollins has got some new duds. Not quite a BDSM costume, not quite superhero: I guess there’s a grey area. And he and Ambrose are still doing their slap-slap-maybe kiss thing, with Ambrose facing Kane tonight (because Kane is, I guess, involved in this). Oh, and with Rollins removing the shirt portion of his costume, I’ve now seen all former members of the Shield topless. He’s facing Kofi Kingston, who wants to be in the Money in the Bank Ladder match. I agree, because I assume there are still some crazy ideas in that dreadlocked head.

These two men lock up, exchanging holds until Kofi hits a splash to Rollins, who backs him into a corner, only to get thrown into it himself, but he manages to pull Kofi face-first into it, going to work with the boots. Snapmare and a sleeper to Kofi, who manages to elbow his way free, rolls out of a back suplex and catches Rollins with chops and dropkicks until Seth manages to put a stop to that, tossing him into a corner and splashes straight into Kofi’s foot and eats a splash.

Seth manages to hit a kick to Kofi’s midsection, takes a hurricanrana and dodges Trouble in Paradise as Kofi collides with the ropes. Rollins really lays the punches down on Kingston, powerbombs him into the corner; Curbstomp gets the three.

All of that was fun to watch; my usual complaint raises its head here: it wasn’t long enough. The back and forth of this was nicely done, and Seth still looked dominant throughout the match. 2.5 Stars.

Rollins grabs the mic post-match and states that he’s the first entrant into the Money in the Bank contract match, but then Ambrose shows up on the titantron and tells him not to talk. Love the Danny Zuko wardrobe he’s rocking. Rollins challenges Ambrose to come down there, but Dean tells him not to bother; after he beats Kane, he’s coming for Rollins. Imagine if it turned out Ambrose was Rollins’ Tyler Durden.

Wait, What The Hell?

We use Dolph Ziggler’s entrance music to introduce the Special Olympics 2014. Michael Cole’s ‘sincere’ voice is a bit jarring after so long. Ziggler’s opponent is Wade Barrett. Love his music, by the way. Cole calls him a ‘great champion’, which freaks me out, because did he just praise a heel? Barrett’s BAD NEWS is comparing anyone else in the MITB ladder match to the USA in the World Cup. Let’s all appreciate the irony that England has been eliminated from the World Cup at this time of viewing, and the USA is still in it. I’m delighted, because now everyone in this country will hopefully shut up about football.

Ziggler ducks some clotheslines to start, then hits a dropkick and misses a splash, taking a kick to the stomach from Barrett, knocking him out of the ring. Back from the break, Ziggler fights out of a sleeper, tries avoid a charge from Barrett, but eats a kick. Apparently Stephanie is still ‘recovering’, which makes me wonder what the hell it was that Roman spiked her with. And if they were going to bring out this part of his character, could we not at least have had Ambrose and Reigns doing some Fear and Loathing skits together before now? Cole actually says that there’s no evidence for Reigns doing anything, and of course there is: Roman Reigns definitely had the motive, and the opportunity (which we caught on tape). What the hell kind of journalist is Michael Cole? Ziggler gets a knee to the face and is knocked out of the ring, and Michael Cole says ‘if the glove doesn’t fit’. Good God, the O.J. Simpson Defence.

Ziggler’s thrown right into the timekeeper’s area, then tossed back in the ring for a two-count. Abdominal stretch to a seated Ziggler, who works his way up and hits a stunner. Barrett charges right into an elbow, gets hit with a crossbody, but then counters with Winds of Change for two. He winds up the Bull Hammer, but it misses; Dolph hits a splash to the corner, almost gets powerbombed, but rolls up Barrett for three!

Wow, unexpected. I mean, seriously, right? Nice to see Ziggler get a good win, and Barrett’s a high-profile opponent for him. Match wasn’t too bad, just nothing extraordinary. 2 Stars.

Ziggler hops off the turnbuckle from his celebration…and gets hit in the face with the Bull Hammer, which we then get to see replayed multiple times. That’s more like it.

We Were Somewhere Around SmackDown!, On The Entrance Ramp, When The Drugs Began To Take Hold

It’s Titus O’Neil vs Adam Rose, so it’s nice to know that Titus is really about to pull himself out of this slump he’s been having. He shoves Rose into the corner, slapping him around. Rose dodges out of Titus’ way, and rolls him up for the win.

Ha…haha…ooh. 1 Star.

Titus gets on the mic and talks smack. Adam Rose, always up for some smack, gets back in the ring, and smacks Titus. See what I just did there? Rose rolls Titus up for the win.

Forget it.

Rollins Is Actually An Ambrose Magnet

Seth’s out on commentary, in his bitchin’ black suit. Kane emerges to the ring, and apparently Ambrose is using the entrance ramp now, I see. And doing the jeans and vest look: way to defy the dress code, Dean.

Ambrose starts off psychotic, punching the hell out of Kane until he gets dropped by a big boot. Uppercut and a sidewalk slam to Ambrose, getting punched around the ring until he gets the boots up and slams them into Kane’s face. Ambrose comes off the top rope with another pair of boots, and then starts landing some bombs on Kane, until the Big Red Machine shoves him into the ropes, only for Dean to come back with a big clothesline. Running dropkick to Kane, and he reigns punches down. Kane goozles Ambrose, who slides out and plants Kane with a tornado DDT from the second rope. I’ve just realised that Seth reminds me of Ryan from The Office, once he got the corporate position. That is exactly who he is. Rollins tries to distract Ambrose, only for Dean to low-bridge Kane, dive out on top of him, and then go right to Rollins, because Ambrose has a one-track mind, and that track is called ‘Kill Rollins Road’. Ambrose leaps off the table at Kane, who floors him with an uppercut. Kane shoves Ambrose into the ring and chokeslams him for the win.

Another nice display of Ambrose’s skills; I was actually expecting him to get the win here, but it’s nice to be surprised. 2.5 Stars.

Seth heads to the ring post-match, and he had his shirt sleeves rolled up under that jacket? Sheesh. Curb Stomp to Ambrose as Rollins looks all pissy.

We recap the start of SmackDown, because I guess RAW was busy this week.

American vs American Whilst Russia Does Its Own Thing

Here’s Zeb Coulter, in the ring with Jack Swagger. He says that last week, Big E took advantage of a distraction to beat Swagger, accusing him of being in cahoots with Lana. Apparently Langston does not take kindly to people implying that he associates with an attractive blonde woman, and interrupts Coulter.

Swagger takes Big E out at the leg, then slams knees into Langston in the corner before clotheslining out of the ring. Swagger really has been intense recently. Big E dodges a charge and slams into Swagger, ending it with a Big Ending.

Well, I was hoping for a compelling feud between this new, fired-up Swagger and Rusev, both of them using their managers to do the talking. But hey, sure, this is just as good as that fun thing I just said. 1.5 Stars.

Fandango is backstage, knocking at a door whilst waiting for LAYLA. Oh, and there’s Summer Rae. She says she wants to apologise, but I think it’s a trick. Because when has WWE ever written a woman who wasn’t manipulative? Oh, and she kisses Fandango, who kisses her back, just in time for Layla to catch them. Fandango, have you ever watched professional wrestling?

We get a promo for the Special Olympics, and is that Doctor Cox? Oh my God, it is. Nice to see the WWE being involved with a worthy cause, although I bet there’ll be at least one badly-judged remark or angle in the following weeks regarding this exact thing.

I Can’t Be BO-thered To Think Of More Witty Titles

Here’s the freakishly young-looking Bo Dallas, and he’ll be facing supreme dumbass and cheater, Fandango. I can’t tell which Diva is supposed to be the face in this feud, but the fact that they’re trying to be in a relationship with Fandango is a point against both of them. Bo just seems kind of amused by this whole thing: he’s so amiable. Layla jumps Summer Rae and Fandango tries to break up the brawl. Bo just backs away from all of this, and I love it when the wrestlers have an in-character reaction to random stuff. Layla manages to rock Fandango’s head with a kick, whilst aiming for Summer Rae, and Bo just looks really shocked by all of this: clearly Bray and the Wyatts didn’t tell Bo about women or relationships.

Summer Rae runs off, pursued by Layla, and in the ring Bo actually helps Fandango to his feet, all concerned…and then Bo-Dogs him. You could actually see the light dawning in his eyes as he looked at the turnbuckle, which is just hilarious to me.

Honestly, if we were treating that whole thing as the match, that gets 2.5 Stars. Bo’s expressions are so perfectly down, and it’s hysterical to watch him work.

Bo then gets on the mic and tells Fandango that there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and he’ll eventually catch one. Please can we get Bo to give relationship advice as well?

The Wyatt Static happens, and my eyes go wide with hope, but this isn’t connected to Bo. YET. Bray calls us all mice and himself a snake. He gives an awesome and psychotic promo, and when he says ‘all I have to do is’, I would have given him a metric fucktonne of money to say ‘Bolieve’.

Roman Reigns Rohypnoled The Entire Heel Team

It’s our main event, and the participants make their way out to the ring one by one. We get told that Roman is going to answer for, you know, spiking his employer’s drink. Honestly, they’re incredibly kind for not getting the cops involved. Which, you know, would probably force Reigns not to compete in the Belts On The Shoulders Ladder Match. Bray teleports to the ring, like the fucking show-off he is. I like how Cesaro, Orton and Del Rio seem very accepting of Bray Wyatt; I’ve always said, the heels tend to trust each other more than the faces do in these situations, which is an interesting statement the WWE makes.

Bell rings, and it’s Cesaro and Sheamus. They lock up, jockeying for position in the corner. They exchange strikes, with Cesaro taking Sheamus over with a waistlock and then tagging in Bray. Bray hammers Sheamus, who reverses and Irish whip to the corner, hitting a shoulder thrust and a high knee. Cesaro tries to interfere, and Bray takes Sheamus down off the distraction; Cesaro tags himself in and Bray gets in his face as we get our first Amazing Feud Tease of the evening. Apparently being freakishly strong means that Cesaro is going to take no shit from Bray, and there is no incident. Right hands to Sheamus, who wants more. Is that how he gets off? The slugfest actually devolves into a slap-fight, and it had to happen eventually, until Sheamus hits a bodyslam.

Tag made to Cena, who throws hands at Cesaro before catching him with a bulldog and a big boot. The heels elect Del Rio as their sacrificial lamb, and they lock up. Del Rio gets a headlock, is shot off the ropes and eats a hip toss. Tag to Sheamus, and I’ve realised just how many of these guys Sheamus has feuded with. Kick to Sheamus’ midsection, and Cesaro comes in off the tag, smacking him around. Suplex to Sheamus, who is whipped into the corner but catches Cesaro for the Irish Curse backbreaker. Cesaro is thrown onto the outside, and it’s the clubbing blows to the chest. Bray is laughing hysterically at this, which is not the reaction you really want from your tag team partner. Cesaro gets punched off the apron as Cena applauds and Reigns nods in grudging approval.

Back from a commercial break, Del Rio’s got Sheamus in a headlock. Del Rio hits a kick to Sheamus, but the Irishman catches him with a rolling senton. Tag to Orton, tag to Cena, and John gets Orton with the shoulder blocks and a spin-out powerbomb. Attitude Adjustment attempt is blocked and Orton’s dumped over the ropes. There’s a stand-off between Team Face and Team Dick over the prone body of Orton: seems highly symbolic to me, and then everyone starts smacking their opposite number around. In the ring, Orton hits the Vintage DDT to Cena and stares down Reigns. Stomps to Cena in the corner and Del Rio throws some hands himself. Tag to Bray Wyatt, who takes Cena down with punches and bulldozes him in the corner. He tries it again, Cena gets the boots up, but runs right into a ura-nage. Alberto comes in to the match, smacking Cena around, but misses a jump onto Cena and slides out of the ring. Cesaro throws Del Rio back in, Orton gets the tag and powerslams Cena.

Cesaro in now, hitting kicks and uppercuts to Cena in the corner. Delayed vertical suplex gets two, then a big stomp to the chest of John Cena. Cesaro holds him in a headlock, taunting Reigns, but Cena hits a back suplex and both men are down. Cena runs for the corner, but Cesaro catches him with a Very European Uppercut. Cesaro keeps Cena down with punches, tagging in Del Rio so he can screw it up for everyone. Bray actually asks Cesaro ‘why?’, and he knows what’s going to happen. Corner enzuigiri to Cena, and could Del Rio do that up a ladder? Because that would be insane. Del Rio comes off the top rope, right into a dropkick from Cena: Bray and I both called that.

Del Rio actually stops Cena’s tag, taking him out at the knee and hitting the superkick. Cesaro tags himself in now, because if you want to slip up, you’ve got to do it yourself. He boots Sheamus off the apron and then turns around to get backdropped by Cena. Tag to Roman, and even the referee was into that: when I paused the match he looked like he was at a rock concert. Clotheslines to Del Rio; he ducks a clothesline from Alberto and hits his leaping clothesline. Uppercut knocks Del Rio down on the ropes; Reigns goes on the outside; Bray blocks his way; Reigns is all like ‘fuck you, dude’ and uppercuts him and hits the dropkick to Del Rio. Cesaro tries to take Reigns down, but Sheamus gets to him, knocking him to the ground with a clothesline. Roman gears up for the Superman Punch, but gets distracted by Orton and shoved into a right hand from Bray Wyatt…who Reigns just Superman Punches right back. Orton tries and RKO and gets shoved out of the ring; Del Rio hits a superkick to Roman’s stomach and tries the cross-armbreaker, but he gets shoved off the ropes and speared for the win!

Holy hell, what a match. Great flurry at the end and some of the interactions were priceless. Definitely sold the PPV for me, which was exactly the point of this. 3.5 Stars.

Fun SmackDown! again. Everyone really seems to be picking up the pace right now, and it shows. I’ll give this show an Eight.

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My Pinterest Is Piledrivers: The Sound Of One Hand Tapping…Out (WWE, Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, CM Punk) Mon, 16 Jun 2014 13:00:30 +0000 MyPinterestIsPiledrivers-500x375

Hello all, and welcome to My Pinterest Is Piledrivers.  I am James A. Sawyer, and I am @todaysjmsawyer, too.  You should follow me, after all, Andrew W.K. does.

One of my last columns was about how shit was gettin’ old in the WWE, and how I was on the verge of taking a break.  While my enthusiasm did dampen, and I clearly stopped doing columns on the regular, I still kept an eye on things.  After all, Punk leaving forced them to actually pull the trigger on some stuff.  Daniel Bryan’s admitted that he didn’t think he’d be champion if Punk hadn’t quit.  For lack of a lot of main event guys, The Shield has been pushed.  And someone must have noticed the reactions Cesaro was getting, because he’s now a singles wrestler and a Paul Heyman guy to boot.

But something happened on RAW fairly recently that just crushed my enthusiasm like the head of a Game of Thrones character.  A Money In The Bank qualifier match was had, wherein Ziggler, just as in what set me off in February, was made to tap faster than Savion Glover.  (Don’t say I can’t do highbrow references.)  And that, for me, sort of killed my buzz for summer, possibly longer.

There could be very convincing arguments made that the WWE is as good or better as it’s been in years.  Bryan is champ!  Shield are here!  Cesaro is being pushed!  Usos have gold!  Look at banner, Michael!

This thing, for me, is my own personal exhaustion with it.

I’m not a complete grump.  I’ll start with the good they’ve been doing.

Edit: After I wrote this (of course) and was offline for the weekend they do a Red Wedding of some of the talent mentioned in this article, notably Drew McIntyre and Evan Bourne.  Guess that answers those questions.  They obviously had to make room to give Mark Henry a raise and sign more dynamic talent like Curtis Axel or The Great Khali.  See you in ROH, guys!

Pro (wrestling)

-I like what Alicia Fox has been doing.  It’s sort of the divas equivalent of WCW heel Chris Jericho, which was a good Chris Jericho.

-Daniel Bryan is champ!  Two years of constant chants and fan support finally broke through!

-Between the Usos, Wyatts, 3MB, Los Stereotypes, Rybaxel and Golddust featuring whoever ends up teaming with him, there’s kind of a tag division again!

-NXT seems to be doing really well.  They’ve got Sami Zayn, Adrian Neville as future wrestlers and Sara Del Rey now training the future Divas.  Recent graduates include the Shield guys, and the promising Adam Rose.

-They’ve been developing neat characters.  Bad News Barrett seems to be massively over after years of aborted attempts.  Bo Dallas is one of the most original characters, with some of the most original promos I’ve seen.  I actually like the old-school nature of Rusev, with his Powerpoint Titantron and his manager old-school trolling the live audience with recent news articles.  Adam Rose seems neat.

-Paul Heyman and Cesaro!  Chocolate and Peanut Butter!

Con (not Kon)

-Daniel Bryan.  Now, it’s not his fault he got hurt and had to drop the title.  But even before that… his first big feud is with Kane?  A 47-year-old wrestler who’s been with the company for 18 years?  And the angle they’re going with it is that Kane once again is trying to sexually assault the girlfriend of a wrestler?  The same storyarc that completely buried every bit of momentum Zack Ryder had?

Even if, for whatever reason, they had to put Kane as his opponent… they couldn’t draw on the fact that they were tag-team champions, extremely popular ones?  But why not put Bryan against someone who can really go in the ring?  Del Rio, Ziggler, hell Seth Rollins?  And what is Bryan’s character now?  Just a guy who’s against the Authority who likes to say “yes?”  Isn’t this a retread of Punk versus Johnny Ace, which itself was a recent retread of Austin versus McMahon?  Can’t we come up with something better for him to do?

-Good gimmicks, mediocre at best wrestlers.  I like the old-school flair of Rusev the angry Russian, and Vince was really lucky Putin apparently missed being the bad guy in James Bond movies, but as a performer?  I haven’t been wowed.  Not sure what he has that Kozlov didn’t.  Bo Dallas is only 24, and nothing he’s shown so far indicates that he’s a wrestling prodigy that deserved to be called up to the big time so soon.  Adam Rose is a cool character, but I hope they let him break out and show that maybe he’s got some skills, and is not just another comedy act like Santino, Fandango, Damian Sandow, Brodus Clay, Sweet T, etc etc.

-The feud against talented wrestlers.  I’ll start with my mancrush, Ziggler.  I have no idea what it is about the fact that he gets chanted for in Rumbles and Battle Royals, and there are audible boos when he is inevitably eliminated, and the huge pop at his cash-in last year, and other aspects of his popularity that make him a target for being buried.  The guy has wanted to be a pro wrestler since five, and became a college champ at Kent State solely to look better for a professional career, and he is still off many PPVs and without feuds or mic time.

I honestly can’t remember the last time Kofi Kingston won a match.

I honestly can’t remember the last time Evan Bourne wrestled a match.  I think it had to have been in 2011.

Who knows when the last time Del Rio had mic time and a feud?  Back before Wrestlemania, where he was just used as a way to get Batista over?  Despite Del Rio being better in every single way, younger, as well as being a former world and WWE champion?

One can debate the relative worth of Zack Ryder, but man they crushed his dreams like a bug.  He went from having a YouTube show that got six figure viewings (at least) and having merchandise out the ass, to barely clinging onto the roster, and being lucky to even get on Main Event, or whatever third-tier program they have.

I’ve not seen enough of Drew McIntyre to determine whether his plunge down the card is appropriate, but he went from “The Chosen One” and Intercontinental championships to being in 3MB and losing to El Torito.

Why does it seem like the WWE is a company where being a mean, petty bully gets you places?  That’s not being a star at all.

-Same Old Shit.  John Cena and Randy Orton had a feud near the end of last year and beginning of this one, after already having countless feuds before.  John Cena is in the middle of a feud with the Wyatts that’s been going on since shortly after the Royal Rumble.  It is now mid-June.  The main focus for face champions seem to be “management doesn’t like them,” a storyline that’s more than run the course.  Big Show, Mark Henry and Kane are all still active on the roster, despite being there longer than a lot of the fans have been alive.  Sami Zayn, Adrian Neville are twiddling their thumbs, Colt Cabana and Chris Hero were sent home, but those three are still plodding around in slow “contests.”

-Big E is incredibly funny and charming, as seen on his Twitter and Instagram but certainly not in the ring, where he is now generic guy that loves America.  Why is he not in a massively popular tag team with Ziggler, where their gimmick is the audience already is crazy about them, and their mic work and skits making fun of other wrestlers gets them even more over?  Because that’d make sense?  Because it’s hard to be a black dude in the WWE and not team with another black dude?  “We can’t have a black guy and a white guy as a tag team!  What is this, The Defiant Ones?!”- WWE Creative

-I know this isn’t their doing, but three hours is way too long for wrestling.  Three hours used to be the time they gave their PPVs, which used to be roughly every other month, then every month, then 15 times a year and every Monday night.  I wouldn’t watch a three hour episode of “Seinfeld” every week, and I fucking love “Seinfeld.”  And you would think, if anything, that they would try to make that three hours interesting.  Instead it’s the same promos by the same people, and three minute squash matches.  Hell, do another wrestler themed talk show with someone you’re not using, like Ryder or Sandow, someone with personality.  Air pre-recorded skits that Big E or Ziggler do, just to break things up.  I know you can’t do 25-minute PPV quality matches all the time, but what about ten minute decent ones?  And maybe dusting off some guys not doing anything-your Yoshi Tatsus or Curt Hawkinses?  And I know that Smackdown is supposed to be the better show, but that’s taped and airs on Friday night-two strikes down already.

-I’m sorry this 3MB and Los Stereotypes thing is one of the stupidest things they’ve done.  I actually think 3MB could be a funny comedy heel group given something decent to work with-apparently they aired an actually humorous interview when they first started before being the guys that got crushed by everyone up to the Brooklyn Brawler and Gilberg.  But this ain’t it.  I would rather a girlfriend catch me watching furry porn than anything with these two teams on screen.

Yeah, that’s it for me.  I’ve had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more.  I understand that Seth Rollins betrayed the Shield for Evolution.  Good, I’m sure that’s a storyline with a sensible, creative payoff planned.  But I turned it off at Ziggler’s tapping and I won’t turn it back on for a long, long time.  This is me walking out, although I’m leaving a reason so people don’t stand outside my house or Swayze doesn’t shoot me in the driveway.  I’m taking a total break.  No shows, even in the background, no tweets, nothing that would in any way support the brand.  I can’t even, as the kids say.

Before I go, here’s some plugs.

David Spain (@MisterShedz) is the best writeup guy this site has seen in a long, long time.  I don’t watch Smackdown and I read his column.  Hell, I’d read him recap C-SPAN (at this point, I’d rather read a C-SPAN recap-less boring, more sensible).  This guy is like the new Andrew Wheeler, before he went Punk on us and left with no explanation, ironically before the Summer of Punk which he probably would’ve enjoyed.  If it were up to me, and I knew this wouldn’t drive him insane, I’d have him do next day recaps of RAW, too.  And follow him on Twitter.

Tweet BD (@BD_CRA) and bug him to do PPV reviews or bi-monthly columns or something.  Try to catch him when he’s not flying somewhere like a G8 meeting or to his summer home or wherever.

And get on Twitter.  Don’t act like you’re too cool, you’re not.

Lastly and most selfishly, consider donating to my GoFundMe.  Yes, that is my handsome bald head in the picture.  Even if you can’t donate, at least spread that link around like butter on an English muffin.  It’s what CM Punk would’ve wanted, I’m sure of it.

That’s it.  HAGS (Have A Good Summer)×375.jpg×375.jpg

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 06.13.2014 – The Shield vs. The Wyatts … Sort Of Wed, 11 Jun 2014 20:52:36 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for Friday 6/13/14 featuring Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt in a qualifier for the Money In The Bank Ladder Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship:

–Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose cut a promo on Seth Rollins and Randy Orton. Triple H flips a coin via satellite and says it’s Ambrose vs. Wyatt tonight, with The Wyatts and Reigns banned from ringside.

–Roman Reigns def. Bad News Barrett by DQ – 3MB interfered and got CRUSHED by Reigns.

–Erick Rowan def. Jey Uso

–Bo Dallas def. R-Truth – before the match Bo danced along to R-Truth rapping and then interrupted to make people Bo-Lieve!

–Cesaro def. Sheamus in a non-title match

–Bray Wyatt promo on screen

Adam Rose def. Fandango – Summer Rae was dressed as a Rosebud and attacked Layla

–Big E def. Jack Swagger despite distractions from Lana

–Fatherhood PSA with Alberto Del Rio

–Alicia Fox def. Aksana

–Bray Wyatt def. Dean Ambrose to qualify for Money in the Bank thanks to interference from Seth Rollins who ran through the crowd.

END SHOW×250.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE SmackDown Results: Seth Rollins Explains Heel Turn and Faces Dolph Ziggler Sat, 07 Jun 2014 23:59:47 +0000 With Triple H by his side, check out Seth Rollins as he explains his heel turn and faces Dolph Ziggler:

Later on, Rollins helped Randy Orton avoid a KO Punch from the Big Show:

On Raw this coming Monday, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns will be there live to confront Rollins.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for June 6th 2014: Everything’s Coming Up Rollins Fri, 06 Jun 2014 22:41:54 +0000 Oh, hey, didn’t see you there. I guess I’ve just been distracted by the fact that I have, once again, managed to throw my coursework weeping and crippled to the ground and have spent much of this week drinking, writing and asking myself serious, philosophical questions like ‘turn down for what?’ I’ve also actually started using my Twitter account again, so if anyone out there fancies the 140-character rants and musings of a strange, coffee-addicted writer, you could do worse than go to

We get the Shield’s break-up recap. And they’re never ever ever getting back together. Also, imagine how Roman Reigns feels: out of the psychotic Dean Ambrose and relatively-sane Seth Rollins, Ambrose rather than Seth wants be his friend. That’s going to make a person look at themselves a bit.

This brings out Triple H to start, so I guess it’s going to be one of those shows. Oh, but he’s got Rollins with him; for a second I thought his heel turn meant he was going to be too good for SmackDown (cough-Lesnar-cough). Lot of vocal hate for a guy who sold his friends out for money; isn’t this that whole ‘capitalism’ thing you guys love so much? Apparently Seth’s going to ‘explain his actions’: what is this, high school?

Triple H says he’s not here to brag; he’s here to get us the answers we want. Careful, Trips: steal Renee Young’s job, she’ll fucking find you. And holy hell, Seth has got a huge neck in comparison to his head. Seth’s going to give us an answer, and I really hope it’s: ‘I guess I’m just a. Big. Dick.’ He says the only person who knows and needs to know is him. Wow, this guy’s awful at opening up. Triple H seems happy, despite the fact that that was a bullshit answer.

Oh God, here’s Ziggler, who’s doing his ‘get in the middle of stuff which doesn’t concern me and get beaten until I piss blood’ schtick. He’s like a guidance counsellor in a rough school. Ziggler is really hung up on someone stabbing somebody else in the back, despite the fact that it tends to happen a lot in wrestling. He says that selling out is the worst thing Seth could have done, and I’m going to say that there are probably worse things he could have done, considering that Rollins is standing next to the Katie Vick guy. Triple H says that Ziggler’s going to go against Seth Rollins, and that’s a face move right there.

Ziggler Needs To Learn To Keep His Feelings On The Inside

So, Blonde and Quarter-Blonde circle each other, as we tune in once again to see someone go over Dolph Ziggler. Lock up, with Ziggler getting backed into the corner; headbutts and blows to Dolph, and Rollins chokes him on the ropes, utilising the count. Cole says that Triple H has been ‘vague’ about how this partnership has come about, which is the laziest writing I’ve ever heard. Ziggler fires up at this uncreative bullshit, but runs into a boot from Rollins, who drops a knee to the head and hits a bodyslam. So relieved that Seth’s keeping the same costume, by the way; very badass look for him. Dolph ducks a clothesline and hits a crossbody, then a beautiful dropkick, then clotheslines Rollins out of the ring.

Rollins comes back, pounding Ziggler onto the mat and getting a snapmare and a chinlock. Dolph works his way back to his feet, fighting out and transitioning from a headscissors into a sleeper hold: that was a fine move right there. Rollins jawbreakers his way out of it, then dropkicks Ziggler onto the outside. Post-commercial break, Rollins has Ziggler in a sleeper, just in case you forgot he’s been hanging out with Randy Orton. He throws Dolph face-first into a corner as Triple H starts talking to JBL and Cole: let them do their jobs! Ziggler rocks Seth with a boot, then gets his big DDT. They trade punches and chops, with Ziggler getting the better of it, taking it to Seth with a neckbreaker and an elbow. Dropkick to Rollins on the outside. Fameasser attempt, attempted powerbomb counter, roll-up, roll-through, Fameasser! Rollins kicks out, hitting a kick to Ziggler’s head to take him down. He heads up high, and Ziggler catches him, taking him down with a bulldog from the top rope. Zig-Zag is blocked, and then Ziggler runs right into a kick to the face. Seth pounds on him for a moment, and then powerbombs him into the corner before ending it with a curbstomp.

That was good; my only misgiving would be that Ziggler got a little too much offence in. What this required was not a squash as such, but a bit more of a showcase of what Seth’s about as a singles heel. Still, very enjoyable. 3 Stars.

Triple H looks really happy about Seth winning, which is a lot funnier to watch if you pretend he’s just pleased to have a trendy, young friend. Seth’s happy now, but wait until Hunter wants to go to a disco with him (‘go to a disco’ is not an innuendo; Triple H still thinks that discos exist).

Renee Young is backstage with Bad News Barrett, who’s heading into a title triple threat match against Rob Van Dam and Cesaro. He says they’re not in his league and spreads bestiality rumours about Cesaro (that’s bullying in the workplace, but I guess these guys fight each other for money).

Oh, and Bray Wyatt’s coming back tonight, probably to discuss why Cena can’t just win a Last Man Standing match.

Backstage, Triple H and Seth are trying to find Stephanie so Trips can get permission to go to a disco. Orton arrives, apparently unaware that he’s not invited. Then Big Show arrives, and apparently he also has a problem with Seth turning on the guys who used to beat up Big Show. Also, pretty sure Triple H is still living in Big Show’s house. Tonight it’s going to be Big Show vs. Randy Orton.

Which Team Is Not First In Line For A Tag Team Championship Shot?

Here’s the Usos, who will be in a match against Rybaxel. I wish WWE would stop acting Victorian society lady levels of coy about who the number one contenders are going to be; just pull up the skirts and reveal Harper and Rowan. Wow, that metaphor just went south really fast. The bell rings and Ryback immediately eats a kick and a big uppercut from Jey, and then comes back to throw the Uso over the ropes. He tags in Axel, who leaps onto Jey from the apron. Michael says that Rybaxel’s making a living out of breaking up tag teams; this can only end with Harper one day finding Rowan in bed with Ryback and why did I just think that? Axel tags the Big Guy back in, only to get tagged back in to hit Jey with a double suplex. Axel drops the elbow from the second rope, followed by a splash from the now-legal Ryback.

Sleeper applied to Jey, who fights his way out and right into spinebuster; Jimmy breaks up the pin, and Rybaxel keep Jey isolated, and he manages to avoid both men for a while, kicking Ryback out of the ring only to get hit with a straight running knee by Axel. Axel then dropkicks Jimmy off the apron, which I used to do in SmackDown 4 because it was the only way you could win a tag-team match. He then leaps off the top rope, right into a big dropkick from Jey; he tags in Jimmy, who hits the splash and gets the pin.

Very quick ending there. I actually had gone for some time without realising how improved Rybaxel has become. Not my favourite of the teams there, certainly, but better than when I last remembered them. 2 Stars.

We get the safety video which reminds us that WWE superstars get hurt just like real people. We need to replace that with Randy Orton saying ‘If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?’

There’s a recap of Cody trying out Sin Cara as Goldust’s tag team partner, which is a definitive sign that Cody hates his brother.

‘If He Dies, He Dies’

Lana’s here, and according to my Grandma: ‘if that skirt was any shorter it would be a hat’. She (Lana, not Grandma) says that Russians are recognised the world over for a lot of things; some of those things are their terrifyingly jaded hookers and their level of discrimination against the LGBT community. And here comes Rusev, wearing a fake version of a real medal which they gave people for, amongst other things, kicking Nazi ass, being an assassinated government official, or going into space as a cosmonaut. JBL says that only one other person in history has received this, and that is not even close to being a fact; it’s been awarded to well over nine hundred people.

Oh, and it’s Xavier Woods, and he’s dressed as Apollo Creed in what I really hope is foreshadowing. Rusev backs him into the corner and then kicks his face off. Lana calls for the end of this match, which is a face tactic. Accolade finishes it.

Bleh. I like squash matches, but they should have some entertainment value. And I shouldn’t have seen them before. 1 Star.

Interestingly enough, amateur wrestler Alexander Karelin actually has that medal: 887 wins, 2 losses. He also used the Karelin Lift on guys weighing up to 280 pounds, so he was basically Russian Cesaro. Don’t ever say I don’t try to broaden your horizons.

Who Will Be Champion Of All The Continents?

It’s Triple Threat time, and here’s RVD, followed by Heyman and Cesaro. And here’s Barrett, and I like the cape but preferred the pimp jacket from his NXT days. Lillian waits to announce the competitors until they’re all in ring, so you know that this is serious business.

The bell rings and Barrett and RVD immediately jump Cesaro, which is kind of what you get if you’re the kind of douche that he’s been. Van Dam tries to take out Barrett, then Cesaro gets mixed up in it again; Rob Irish whips Cesaro into Wade, then monkey-flips Cesaro and spin-kicks Barrett before hitting Rolling Thunder to both men. Cesaro flings RVD out of the ring and goes to work on Barrett, who hits a kick to his mid-section and then eats a kick to the face from RVD. Split-legged moonsault to Barrett and Cesaro breaks up the pin.

Back from the break, Barrett has Van Dam in a headlock; Cesaro is on the outside after being taken out on the steel steps. Wade gets low-bridged out of the ring; Rob tries to dive out after him and runs into an uppercut from Cesaro, who in turn gets beaten on by Barrett on the outside; Cesaro turns an Irish whip around on Barrett, slamming him into the barricade and suplexing him onto it for good measure. Van Dam throws himself out onto Cesaro, and then drops the leg from the apron onto Barrett! In the ring, Rob vaults over the ropes to hit another leg drop to Barrett; Cesaro breaks up the pin, and actually uses the Karelin Lift to gutwrench Rob Van Dam! Rob tries to roll up Cesaro, but Cesaro kicks out, sending RVD right into a Winds of Change, only to break up the pin.

Both of his opponents in the corners, Cesaro throws uppercuts to each man, but Van Dam counters with a shoulder block; a thrust kick hits Barrett as Cesaro throws him into it and hits his bridge German suplex to RVD, nearly getting the two. Out on the apron, Barrett gets his head slammed into the turnbuckle and Cesaro tries his ‘Look How Fucking Strong I Am’ suplex, but Barrett fights out, hanging Cesaro up on the top rope. Five Star Frogsplash to Cesaro! Bull Hammer to Rob Van Dam! Barrett retains!

Just a great match from those three. That was what I like to see in a Triple Threat: all three men involved. Not one guy getting taken out so that it’s a singles match for half of it. A lot of fun to watch. 3.5 Stars.

Barrett celebrates, but all of a sudden we get a Wyatt Alert. Bray reminisces on how mentally scarring getting trapped in a box was. He seems to imply that this is his resurrection and that he’s stronger than ever, and if he can seem more intimidating after getting Cena-d, then he’s done what many cannot.

Kinda Losing Track Of How Many People On The Roster Are Nuts

It’s Alicia vs. Natalya tonight. I haven’t yet seen the Charlotte/Natalya match and will look that up as soon as I’ve done this; the buzz about it really makes me excited to watch it. In any event, I’m hoping that this is an indication that Natalya might be stepping up to contend with Paige soon. Also, re. the beating Aksana and Alicia administered to Nikki Bella: where the fuck was John Cena? I’ll never say I’m the world’s most perfect boyfriend (because my girlfriend would laugh at me for the rest of our lives if I did), but if my girlfriend was getting attacked, in a non-competitive match situation, and I was in the building and knew about it because it was being broadcast on television, I would be out there saying: ‘you know, why don’t you girls back the fuck up?’ John Cena: godawful onscreen boyfriend.

They lock up, and Natalya takes Alicia over with a headlock. Alicia gets the headscissors and Natalya kicks out of it. They tie up again, this sequence ending with a dropkick to Alicia’s face and double-underhook suplex. Alicia rolls to the outside, and then yowls at Natalya like a cat. Well, at least we’d never considered Alicia to be a potential role model anyway. She then screams at Natalya again, and I don’t understand why that stops Natalya from punching her out, but I’m starting to realise that I’m not an honourable fighter. Alicia offers her hand to shake, and Natalya stamps on it, then slaps her in the face. Alicia dares her to do it again, so Natalya does it; I take it back. Natalya comes off a roll-up, kips up and Alicia throws her into the ropes, choking her. Northern Lights suplex to Natalya; Nattie avoids a senton, goes for the Sharpshooter but gets kicked away. Natalya turns a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker into a cover and she wins.

Very good Divas match there, and yet more promising signs for the division. Alicia’s character work is both funny and impressive, and both women could go in the ring. 2.5 Stars.

Alicia channels Christian circa 2002, and she’s going for the announcers. She starts climbing on Lillian, and the security guy with his back to them really wants to turn around. She gets off Lillian, which is a heel move, then starts attacking the bell. Oh, and I told my girlfriend about the ‘perfect boyfriend’ bit; I got provided with a list of my flaws. Apparently I’m ‘a monster’.

Bo To Hell

Oh yay, it’s Santino and Emma. Which, clearly, can only mean that Fandango and LAYLA are on their way out here. Wow, Santino shakes hands with the ref; I actually find that really sweet. And his opponent is Bo Dallas! We finally broke the Fandango/Santino streak! And apparently JBL is going to be playing cricket against eleven year olds, which they had damn well better broadcast. Bo takes Santino over and does a victory lap with the line ‘I’m winning!’ Santino seems to like him, but does some armdrags and his own celebration. Holy hell, that actually knocked the smile off Bo’s face. He uses the handshake to do some hard clotheslines until Santino rolls him up; Bo kicks out and blasts Santino, smashing him in the back of his head. Bo Dog ends it.

Interesting they’re bring the anger out so soon in Bo, but they picked a good way to do it. 2 Stars.

Renee’s backstage with the Big Show, and asks him how he feels about facing Orton. He says that Evolution 2.0 are bullies, then tells a boring childhood story that actually gets pretty dark; I think Big Show killed a kid.

Not-Renee is backstage with Randy, who I hope has a heartwarming child-murder story of his own. Orton pretty much hints that there’ll be shenanigans tonight; now watch Big Show entirely ignore that hint.

The Giant And The Viper                                                                                         

Big Show emerges, followed by Orton and Triple H: all discoed out. Orton tries a kick to the midsection but gets beaten down in the corner instead; he rolls out of the ring. Back inside, Orton gets a thumb to the eye and some clotheslines in the corner, catching Show’s leg and rocking it off his shoulder before running into an elbow. Triple H whispers some advice in his ear, which was probably ‘marry your boss’s daughter’. Orton slithers back inside and takes a headbutt. Wow: this guy was our champion. Randy goes out of the ring, then back inside to stomp Big Show, who pulls him out of the ring. Triple H distracts Show long enough for Orton to shove him into the ring post; Hunter’s scurry away there was hysterical.

Back in the ring, Orton’s in control, hitting stomps and…more stomps. Oh, and a headlock! Definitely Vintage Orton. Sleeper now, trying to wear down the giant, who turns it into sidewalk slam. Clotheslines to Orton, but he runs right into high dropkick. Draping DDT from the top rope. He calls for the RKO, gets shoved away and speared. JBL actually said ‘it’s like a bus flying at ya’, but I heard ‘it’s like a butt flying at ya’, which meant I had to take a couple of minutes just to giggle helplessly. Anyway, Big Show winds up for a KO Punch; Triple H gets on the apron and Show goozles both him and Orton, only for Rollins to springboard off the top and hit a knee.

Eh, it was a match between Orton and Big Show; I think we all know exactly what that implies. 1.5 Stars.

Orton hits the RKO in a desperate bid for relevance in this story, and good goddamn luck. Triple H hands Rollins a chair, and he hits the Curbstomp to Big Show onto it.

This was a decent SmackDown. The show could have been better arranged: apart from for storyline purposes, that match should not have been the main event, whereas the Rollins/Ziggler match or the IC Championship match more than deserved that spot. Still, two great matches, one good Divas match. Seven.

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 06.06.2014 – Seth Rollins Heel Turn Followed Up With Match vs. Dolph Ziggler Thu, 05 Jun 2014 23:37:15 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for Friday 6/6/14 featuring the Monday Night Raw fallout to the big Seth Rollins heel turn, Natalya vs. Alicia Fox (too bad it wasn’t Charlotte) and more:

Triple H promo on The Shield, with Seth Rollins by his side. Rollins said that only he knows why he turned, while HHH brags about how he won this battle with The Shield. Dolph Ziggler comes out to cut a promo on Rollins, claiming he sold out. Triple H books Rollins vs. Ziggler … NOW!

–Seth Rollins def. Dolph Ziggler

Big Show confronts Seth Rollins, which leads to Big Show vs. Randy Orton being booked as tonight’s main event.

–The Usos def. Rybaxel

–Rusev def. Xavier Woods

–Bad News Barrett def. RVD and Cesaro in a Triple Threat Match

Bray Wyatt promo

–Natalya def. Alicia Fox, who went CRAZY at ringside afterwards

–Bo Dallas def. Santino (with Emma) — can Emma please move on to other things now?

Sidenote: On Total Divas last Sunday, Emma had the line of the night on the season finale. Summer Rae wondered why she was on everyone’s bad side, and Emma said, “Maybe you shouldn’t be such a bitch to them.” Classic.

–Big Show def. Randy Orton by Disqualification

END SHOW×250.jpg×250.jpg×250.jpg×250.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for May 30th 2014: Barrett is Champion of All the Continents Fri, 30 May 2014 23:04:14 +0000 It’s a good evening/afternoon/morning (hah…American time…) from me. I have emerged from doing literally nothing all day but coursework and dancing to Goodbye Horses whilst applying lipstick. You know: the usual.

And to kick off SmackDown, here is the Shield, to put down the latest piece of the ‘get beaten up, talk about it, beat the other guys up, talk about it’ puzzle. Seriously: that is this build. Rollins says that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I’m pretty sure that my uncle’s coma has actually weakened him significantly. He says they’re angrier, hungrier and more focused than ever. They then show a badass promo of themselves getting the shit kicked out of them; I don’t think the Shield have exactly grasped how ‘propaganda’ works. Ambrose says that they don’t care what happens to them, and asks Evolution how crazy they’re willing to get; Well, one member of Evolution served thirty-eight days in military prison, which I’d argue is pretty fucking crazy. Rollins then feels the need to explain an ‘elimination rules’ match to us all, quite possibly giving away the ending of the match; spoiler tags, Seth. Reigns then makes a threat against the announce tables, like the stone cold psycho he is. I’ve just realised, does the Shield’s feud against Evolution make them creationists?

Later tonight, Barrett will face Sheamus in a professional wrestling adaptation of ‘The Troubles’. And Jimmy Uso will face Bray Wyatt in a Last Man Standing match, in a professional wrestling adaptation of…getting mugged, I guess.

One Of These Days, Kofi; One Of These Days…BOOM, Uppercut!

Cesaro is approaching the ring with Paul Heyman, and the jobber entrance goes to Kofi Kingston. You know: just in case you couldn’t already guess the result. The bell rings, and Cesaro immediately takes Kofi over with a fireman’s carry, wrenching the arm; Kofi rolls out of it and applies a headlock; the two men chain moves fantastically before Cesaro counters an arm drag into a back-breaker. Uppercut drops Kofi, then Cesaro military presses him before hitting a stomp. Man looks hella dominant, and as I type that Kofi leaps to the top rope and hits a dropkick, then hits a springboard clothesline to take Cesaro down. Michael Cole says that this could kickstart Kingston’s…and then actually has to pause for a moment to find the right word for it: sense of purpose? Direction? Nope, it’s ‘comeback’. Big kick to the jaw of Cesaro, and I’ve just realised what a weird choice of opponent Kingston is if Cesaro is warming up to face Sheamus; admittedly I’d love to see Sheamus pin Cesaro after hitting Trouble In Paradise. Kingston runs the ropes, slides out of a backbreaker attempt, springboards back off the top rope…right into an uppercut for Cesaro to get the victory.

Some of the chain wrestling in there was superb; all of that match flowed really nicely. Very on form. 3 Stars.

After the match, Cesaro comes back into the ring to hit the Neutraliser to Kofi. Michael Cole calls it a direct message to Sheamus, and what sort of message is that? ‘I can do this move on guy a lot smaller than you’?

Backstage is Renee Young, and she brings on Bad News Motherfuckin’ Barrett. She tries to ask him about Sunday, but the Manchester Man says that if she thinks his title’s in jeopardy, then HE’S AFRAID HE’S GOT SOME BAD NEWS. He says all RVD has are his hand gestures and desperate attempts to cling to his past. When did the heels start making good points on this show? Barrett then makes the point that the Intercontinental Championship is geographically greater than the US Championship, and he is just a god to me right now. Actually, it’s a good thing the World Heavyweight Championship was combined with the WWE Championship, otherwise the IC title would be its equal in geography if not mass.

Oh Yeah, The Black Diva Steals The Title

Tamina Snuka’s in the ring, and is that what her music sounds like? Huh. And here’s the WWE’s answer to Lyanna Stark: Paige. The ladies tie up, and Paige gets pushed back, but then forces Tamina into the corner, socking it to her. Alicia Fox then comes out, I guess acting crazy, but I’ve seen really crazy people and they wouldn’t do this well in an arena full of people. Tamina benefits from the distraction, but Paige quickly regains control with a crossbody. Alicia Fox is taking selfies with WWE fans, and apparently this is enough to distract Paige; I hope that girl isn’t allowed to drive a car. Tamina hits a headbutt, and then Alicia steals the belt, which again distracts Paige. Seriously? Physical possession of a championship belt does not legally bestow the identity of a champion; if Fox actually stole the belt, Paige would still be the Diva’s champion and wouldn’t have to lug the belt around everywhere. But apparently Paige thinks that Alicia has committed some kind of identity theft, and eats a superkick, which she totally deserves. Paige kicks out as Fox climbs on the announce table, and she’d better not try that on Sunday; Roman Reigns meant business. Paige dodges Tamina, hits clotheslines and dropkick to the face, then knees to the face. She then stops to yell at Alicia, which means Tamina nearly gets the Samoan drop, but Paige manages to hit the Paige Turner and the PTO for the win.

This match was fine, and Alicia’s distractions are actually more entertaining than any of the male wrestlers’. However, it would be nice, just once, for the person we’re rooting for to have the mental discipline to ignore something which is more or less taking place in their peripheral vision. Oh no, might she attack you? Causing you to win via DQ? The horror. 2 Stars.

Renee Young is backstage, interview-cheating on Barrett with Sheamus. She asks the Irishman about Cesaro, and Sheamus says that physically attacking him makes things personal. Well…well, yeah. Renee asks Sheamus about the geography of the mid-card championship situation, and I love so much how this is a thing. Sheamus says he doesn’t know much about continents and countries. Seriously? How is that difficult to grasp?

Bo Dallas Just Wishes Bray Would Stop Pantsing Him In The Locker Room

Oh yay, it’s Xavier Woods. I think I don’t like this guy because he’s doing a PhD, which is something I want to do (which I think would officially make these reviews academic papers). Here comes Bo Dallas, and Michael Cole wishes that he’d go to Bolivia. Jesus, Michael, 60% of people there live under the poverty line. Bo gets on the mic and spouts his crap, which I think is a fair description, and the bell rings. Both men tie up and Bo hits an arm drag and goes out to celebrate. Xavier gets a headlock and hits a dropkick; he tries a waistlock, but Bo sends him through the ropes. Back in the ring, Bo hits a high back suplex, following it up with knees to the face. Xavier rolls out of a headlock, hitting a right hand and some clotheslines. Michael says that it would be embarrassing for Bo to lose to Woods: suck it, Xavier. Woods hits the Honour Roll, and tries to come off the top rope with a crossbody, but Bo hits him with a dropkick in mid-air. Bo-Dog finishes it.

Another good match, and another example of things just flowing nicely along. Bo’s commitment to his gimmick throughout the match is really great to see. 2.5 Stars.

Bo gets on the mic again, and says we’re all winners. I’m pretty sure we’re not, Bo. I’m pretty sure someone out there is right now crying and eating a lot of chocolate. Bo then hugs Xavier Woods, whose ‘please make this stop happening’ face is a thing of beauty.

We look back at RAW, when Bray was trying to punish King for his bullshit morality and misogynist commentary. And I honestly don’t care that JBL immediately got destroyed out there; I love the fact that he was about to get in the ring with Wyatt (in other news, Harper and Rowan were summoned to Wrestler Court this week and were barred from the locker room for forever). And let’s hear it for John Cena, defender of creepy old men.

Now These Guys I Would Send To Bolivia

We relive what I can only describe as the reverse-castration of El Torito and the symbolic castration of Drew McIntyre from this Monday. Torito is in the ring with shears, and if that’s not a dick-severance threat I don’t know what is. Apparently Jinder Mahal will be facing the bull this time, but at least he was never the Chosen One. Torito dropkicks Mahal at the legs and then runs from him until he tries a springboard and misses. Mahal hits a traditional atomic drop as Los Matadores fight on the outside. Torito hits a rolling powerbomb from the top as JBL makes a joke that bears repeating: ‘WCW had a Hair vs Mask match with Billy Kidman and Psicosis; I think Kidman lost and had to take his mask off’. What an anecdote. Oh, and Torito wins with a moonsault.

I’m adding half a star for the use of a non-inverted atomic drop, and a whole star for JBL’s WCW joke. So…1.5 Stars.

Hornswoggle and Torito sort of get into it after the match and Hornswoggle flees from Torito’s shear-related retribution.

An Englishman And An Irishman Walk Into A Bar…

Heyman is on commentary. Michael Cole introduces him, pauses, and then goes ‘hello’, which probably isn’t as funny as I’m currently finding it, but this red wine is hitting me pretty hard. And it’s Sheamus vs. Barrett for our Champion vs. Champion match. Honestly, this is what I’ve wanted to see since both of these guys won their gold, and the fact I get to review it is just the cherry on top. I like the fact that Barrett’s first image on the titantron was blatantly stolen from Skyfall. I think it’s safe to say that, out of the two men, Sheamus is going to put on the better bout of Sunday’s PPV considering their respective opponents, but I feel confident in saying that this match is going to beat both of them.

The bell rings and we’re off. Lock up and both men jockey for position; Sheamus gets a headlock, gets shot off the ropes and takes Wade down with a shoulder block. Barrett goes low with kick, scoring blows; Sheamus comes out of the corner fighting, hitting some strikes of his own before wrenching Barrett’s. Barrett fights back, sends Sheamus into the corner, who comes out to level Wade with a clothesline. Even match so far as Barrett is thrown into the corner, rocks a charging Sheamus with the shoulder, heads up to the top rope, jumps down and suplexes Sheamus. Sheamus tries to go for the chest pounds, but Barrett hits some elbows, knocking the Irishman off the apron and coming off the apron himself with an elbow drop to the outside.

Back in the ring, Barrett takes the fight to Sheamus, but Sheamus blocks a kick, taking Barrett down. Wade’s sent hard into the corner and takes a running senton, getting clotheslined out of the ring. Sheamus crouches on the apron, waits for Barrett to rise, and then hits a flying shoulder block. Barrett is whipped into the steps, but runs over them and kicks them back into Sheamus’ legs before knocking him down with a clothesline.

Back from a commercial break, Barrett’s got Sheamus in a headlock. During the break, Wade hit several kicks to Sheamus’ head whilst holding him in the ropes. Sheamus fights back, hitting axe-handles, a shoulder to the midsection, a Harley Race knee…and runs face-first into a knee, then eats a hard kick from Barrett for a two-count. Sheamus manages to surprise Barrett, hitting the Irish Curse. Clubbing blows to Wade’s chest; White Noise is countered; Brogue Kick’s ducked and Barrett scores with the Winds of Change for the two. Bad News sets up for Waste Land; Sheamus slips out into a crucifix pin; Barrett rolls through; both men to their feet and Brogue Kick for the win!

What a match; perfect back and forth leading up to a brilliant finishing sequence in a PPV-quality bout. Easily 4 Stars.

Sheamus approaches Heyman post-match, who pleads that he has two small children at home and finishes by saying ‘good luck Sunday!’ God, I love Paul sometimes.

Renee is backstage, interviewing Jimmy as he attempts to do what Cena might be able to do. What’s wrong with this picture?

Oh God, They’re Doing The Flag Bit

We recap Rusev beating Ryder and then getting knocked out of the ring by Big E. Langston then comes to the ring, still waving the flag and chanting ‘USA’. Americans do patriotism in a more annoying fashion than any other country. E’s going to face Titus O’Neil in what I assume will be another squash inflicted on Titus’ record. Lana comes out and does her cartoon supervillain bit; if they really wanted to get at Russia, they could bring up their terrible treatment of the LGBT community. You know, because that’s actually a real and serious issue. She brings out Rusev, who has the Russian flag. I’ve decided a lot of the world’s flags need a more interesting design; we should get sigils and badass mottoes and, yep, basically just Game of Thrones it.

Titus jumps Langston, as is kind of his thing (House O’Neil’s Words: ‘U-ruh U-ruh U-ruh U-ruh’). He beats on Big E, hitting more moves than any of his other matches, but Big E then takes control with a belly-to-belly, the splash and the Big Ending (House Langston’s Words: ‘The Straps Are Down’).

Personally, I like a squash match to have more of a protracted beating. That or a one-hit K.O. 2 Stars.

Both Langston and Rusev wave flags after their match. For God’s sake.

We Were Somewhere Outside Barstow, On The Edge Of The Desert, When The Drugs Began To Take Hold…

Recap of Adam Rose’s debut, and him going fucking apeshit at Swagger stealing his giant lemon/costumed sex-slave. Jack and Rose are going to go at it tonight, and they make their way to the ring.

Jack wants to lock up, but Adam Rose would rather prance and gambol around. He offers his lollipop to Swagger, but Jack Just Says No and slaps the drug-dipped candy away. Rose jumps a leg-pick, then gets waistlocked by Swagger; he backs Jack into the corner and whispers something which makes Swagger push him away (this author suspects: ‘would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard’). He then leaps into Swagger’s arms and gets thrown away, laughing. Swagger rolls out of the ring and asks Zeb ‘what just happened’. Swagger dives into the ring; Rose dives out. Jack goes out, Rose goes in and attacks Swagger, managing to get an unorthodox pin for the win.

I can sense that these matches are going to be really hard to rate. On a wrestling level, it’s bollocks. On an entertainment level…I don’t know when I’m not going to be entertained by Rose’s shenanigans, but I’m betting it’s not before he offers to suck his opponent’s dick for drug money. 2 Stars.

Recap of Bryan and Stephanie’s showdown, and I’m pretty sure that Bryan could take Stephanie, even with a recently-repaired neck. I mean, he’s knocked other Authority figures around, both in and out of matches, and has attacked Stephanie before, who has also attacked him. If it was me, I’d kick her in the head: send a message. That message being ‘take my belt, get concussed’.

It Would Be Embarrassing If Jimmy Did It And Cena Lost

Here’s the Wyatt Family, and here are the Usos. And John Cena’s not here to back up Jimmy? Um…wow. Asshole. Bray laughs at Jimmy, and then immediately starts with some hard strikes, throwing him to the floor. As he runs off the ropes, he gets calf-kicked by Jimmy and knocked out of the ring, only to get hit with some flying Uso. Wyatt gets to his feet and laughs maniacally, probably at the idea that Jimmy thinks he can win. Jimmy rocks Bray’s head off the barricade, but then gets thrown hard into it himself, several times. Back in the ring, Bray hits his running back-drop, staying on Jimmy, choking him on the ropes.

Back from the break, Bray Wyatt slams into Jimmy in the corner. Uso tries to fight back, but Wyatt’s all over him, hitting a suplex. Jimmy and Bray exchange strikes, and Wyatt comes off the ropes to hit a Samoan drop. Bray tries to hurl himself at Jimmy, who low-bridges him out of the ring. Jimmy runs along the barricade; Bray ducks the flying Uso and walks right into a superkick. Wyatt beats the count, and both men come back into the ring. Bray hits his crossbody and then does his spiderwalk; I’m not sure whether that will do anything to keep Jimmy down. Bray taunts Jey about not helping his brother, and backstage Bo Dallas just burst into tears.

Jimmy gets put on the top rope and Bray climbs up, trying a superplex; Jimmy manages to throw Wyatt down and hit the Superfly Splash. Wyatt manages to beat the count at eight, throwing Jimmy out of the ring and levelling him on the outside. He tries to powerbomb Jimmy on the floor, but Jimmy hits a kick to the temple, then the Samoan wrecking ball into the barricade. Bray gets up at nine as Jey gets jumped by the Wyatts; Jimmy superkicks Bray, tries to Samoan wrecking ball him against the steps, but Bray dodges and hits Sister Abigail for the ten count.

Decent match, but there was never a question of the result. Still, good show by both men. 2.5 Stars.

 I thought this was a good show for the go-home. Some great action, some laughs and ADAM ROSE. Along with the wine, made for a very good evening. I’ll give it an eight.

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 05.30.2014 – Payback Go Home Show Fri, 30 May 2014 14:49:43 +0000 WWE SmackDown spoilers and results for Friday 5/30/14 – the final Payback go home show!

The Shield cut a promo on Evolution to promote the No Holds Barred Elimination Match at WWE Payback this Sunday 6/1/14

–Cesaro def. Kofi Kingston

Bad News Barrett promo

–Paige def. Tamina Snuka — during the match Alicia Fox came out and took selfies the Divas Championship.

Sheamus promo

–Bo Dallas def. Xavier Woods.

–Sheamus def. Bad News Barrett

The Usos promo

–Big E def. Titus O’Neil as Rusev looked on

–Adam Rose def. Jack Swagger

–Bray Wyatt def. Jimmy Uso in a Last Man Standing Match


No John Cena or Evolution appearances on SmackDown? Fine with me.×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Now Do You Bolieve? Bo Dallas on WWE SmackDown Fallout Friday 05.23.2014 Mon, 26 May 2014 15:09:59 +0000 I’m sure Renee Young Bolieves…

…do you?×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for May 23rd 2014: HELLO LONDON!! Sat, 24 May 2014 08:28:14 +0000 Welcome to WWE SmackDown, beaming to you from London; enjoy it while it lasts, WWE, because when UKIP wins and starts its crusade, we won’t be letting anyone who isn’t white, British and reliant on ‘common sense’ rather than ‘actual facts’ into these sceptered isles.

Jimmy Hart’s in the ring, introducing Hulk Hogan. Either my drugs or the time machine worked, or there had better be a good reason to be rolling these guys out here. And it had better not be that either of them are going to be in a match. Quite a loud ‘Hogan’ chant in London, admittedly. Hogan says it’s great to be in London, just like the old days, and then plugs Legends House. Oh, so Hogan’s doing commercials, like other celebrities of roughly his age.

Hogan says that tonight’s not about looking back, and you certainly could have fooled me considering the two eighties icons in the ring, but the future. He says the WWE is bigger and better than it’s ever been, which must be in the same way that, say, $11.27 is bigger and better than, say, $20. He says they’re already on the road to next year’s WrestleMania, which is still a shorter build than 29 had. Whatcha gonna do when the Legends House, the WWE Network and Hulkamania run wild on you? I imagine I’ll sell my stock to Lemelson Capital.

And as Christ was apparently resurrected after his death, so shall Dolph Ziggler have a rematch with Batista: no holds barred. I can only imagine Ziggler offended someone in organised crime, and they’re a huge wrestling fan.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Batista II: Die Harder

Apparently Ziggler demanded a match against someone who physically mutilated him last week, in retaliation to said-mutilation. This is like the logic behind every decision made in 47 Ronin. Batista drives Dolph into a corner but gets punched out and eats a dropkick. Kicks to Batista, choking him with his foot, but Batista drops him with a spinebuster off the ropes for a two. Batista heads out of the ring, grabbing a chair, but Ziggler snatches the chair off him. He tries to strike the big man, but Dave grabs him and smashes him into the announce table, then the apron, which is how he’s going to teach Ziggler the definition of ‘hindsight’. Batista winds up for a spear, but Ziggler side-steps and sends him right into the barricade. A clothesline sends both men into the timekeeper’s area, and I shouldn’t giggle when I read that back, but I most certainly did.

Back from the break, the timekeeper has regained his personal space as Batista hurls Ziggler into the barricade. Ziggler fires up again, smacking Batista’s beard off the announce table, then tries to punch it off. Batista almost gets a bodyslam, but Dolph slides out, only to get clotheslined. Back from a second break, Batista tries to smash Ziggler with a chair, but what do we say to the God of Death? Not today: Ziggler ducks, grabs the chair again and laces the big bastard with it. He rolls the dead weight of Batista into the ring, only for Dave to roll right back out the other side: that’s our Batista! Ziggler follows him, knocking Batista down on the outside, then hurls him into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Ziggler hits his splash, then actually ties Batista’s arms up in the ropes before punching him; I do enjoy a bit of tasty continuity. Neckbreaker takes Dave down, then Ziggler hits his big DDT. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that the guy who’s getting beaten by Ziggler is the muscle of a power stable who have a PPV match next week. Hurricanrana nearly turns into a Batista Bomb, but Dolph catches him with a Fame-Asser for a near fall.

Batista rolls out of the ring again; JBL calls it a ‘veteran instinct’, because everyone who isn’t a veteran just kind of sits there and drools at times like this. Ziggler puts Batista down with a baseball slide, and continues to lace him with punches. Cole actually got taken down by Batista going over the announce table, but went down still commentating: imagine this man in a war zone. Ziggler is honestly using Cole’s corpse to prop up Batista’s body: sick fuck. Batista tries to Batista Bomb Ziggler on the steps, but Ziggler hits a low blow, only to miss a running Fame-Asser on the steel steps, apparently injuring his leg. Michael Cole, the real victim of the night, has nothing but disdain for Dolph as Batista wins with a spear.

Okay, that was entertaining. Probably for some of the wrong reasons, but entertaining nonetheless. 3 Stars.

JBL asks if we don’t think Evolution is ready for a no holds barred match, and on the evidence of this match they’ll get beaten down a lot and then will take advantage of their opponents injuring themselves. Sound strategy. Oh, and Batista then hits Ziggler with the Batista Bomb, which is what you fucking get for making him touch Michael Cole.

We get a Bo Dallas promo, and as someone who despises vague inspirational buzz-phrases, I think the two of us are going to get along just fine.

This Isn’t What The Suffragettes Fought Against, But Probably Should Have Been

Here’s Nikki Bella, who will be handing the wrestling side of things so her twin can glare angrily at Stephanie McMahon even harder. She also has Referee Of The Year, Eva Marie, with her. They’ll be facing the Funkadactyls, in what’s known in Britain as a ‘Something For The Dads’ match. Oh, and Summer Rae’s the special guest referee. Michael Cole says that there’s a tonne of intrigue in this match, and I just couldn’t face a world where that was true. We replay Summer Rae’s workplace sexual harassment of Fandango and her workplace bullying of LAYLA; apparently nobody on Total Divas likes Summer Rae, which is just…just a shocker.

Nikki starts off against Naomi, with Nikki hitting a fireman’s carry to wrench the arm. Kip up by Naomi, she gets whipped into the corner and kicks Nikki away. She attempts a Bubba Bomb, but Nikki fights out and hits a knee-facebuster. Summer Rae intentionally doesn’t make the count, because everyone in Creative apparently hates their bitch ex-wife. Double suplex from the Funkadactyls as Cameron tags in, hitting a terrible running facebuster, then eats a running dropkick.

Nikki tags in Eva Marie, which is a heel turn. Summer Rae refuses to make the count, so I guess they’re in a ‘Who’s The Worst Referee’ contest. Women, amIright?! *lights massive cigar and goes to play a round of golf*. Cameron gets an awful roll-up, and Summer Rae fast-counts it.

This was amusing insofar as it showed what the ‘‘‘‘‘drama’’’’’ on Total Divas is like and also shows how far the WWE has to go when it comes to their female talent. Also Cameron managed to botch practically everything and none of them can act, so there’s that. 1 Star.

You Got Bo-ned. Wait…

Here’s Bo Dallas, and it’s time to see if those promos I’ve been sitting through for weeks has been worth it. I know, right; what could be? JBL certainly seems to be excited about it, and this guy doesn’t even have a midget. You can, however, definitely see the resemblance to Bray. He says he’s living proof that dreams do come true, and I’ll withhold judgement on that score until I see the extent of this gimmick. He says the most beautiful things in the world can only be felt in the heart, and all we have to do is ‘Bo-lieve’. Sounds simple enough, except Bo-lieve is not a real verb, therefore we cannot do it.

His opponent is Sin Cara, whose dream is probably not to be jobbing: should have Bo-lieved. They lock up, with Bo hitting an arm-drag and acting like someone just force-fed him ecstasy. Sin Cara rolls out of an arm-wrench, but Bo takes him over in a headlock, locking the arm. Sin Cara shoots him off, but gets ran-through by Dallas, who clotheslines him in the corner. Suplex to Sin Cara, then some knees dropped to the face. He’s successfully making this crowd turn on him; Sin Cara nearly gets a couple of pins, sending Bo Dallas into the corner hard. Chop to the chest, followed by Cara negotiating a backdrop to land on the apron, springboarding off the top rope to hit a headbutt, with another springboard into a splash. Handspring elbow puts Dallas down; he runs into an elbow from Sin Cara, then a kick. Sin Cara misses with a flying attack; Bo puts him down with a big clothesline, and then pins Sin with the Stratusfaction.

This was my first time seeing Bo in action, and I was happy with what he brought to the match. His gimmick certainly seems well-poised to grate on everyone around him, and he’s certainly expressive. Hopefully he can be as handled as well as his brother (a sentence that is weird as hell in any other context). 2.5 Stars.

After the match, Bo congratulates Sin Cara and tries to inspire him. Okay, I like it: really nice touch. Will we one day see his grinning, inspired cult fight the Wyatts’ singing child army? I’d buy that PPV.

We’re back from the break with the Wyatts in the ring. Brays on a chair and on the mic; he says he can feel us and hear us calling out to him. He says we don’t have to see the horrible things of the world, but evil is a very real thing. It’s called Summer Rae. Bray says we’ve become prisoners of our society, and when we raise an eyebrow, Cena’s sent in to reassure us. From a Nineteen Eighty-Four perspective, Bray’s seriously the babyface in this feud. Bray probably would have broken out of Room 101 and strangled every member of the Inner Party personally. Stay there and have sex with Julia, Winston Smith; Bray Wyatt’s got this shit. Actually, give Julia to Bray; you don’t deserve her.

We replay the beat-down of Cena on Monday. Bray says he knows that John’s scared, as he recruited the Usos to fall on the front lines. Honestly, when was the last time you heard a heel who wasn’t CM Punk talk and thought to yourself: ‘that’s actually a good point’? Bray makes some boasts along the lines of ‘the night is dark and full of terrors, and they’re all me’. And then speaks Dothraki or Klingon or Latin and starts singing. London, a city of football fans, are willing to sing pretty much anything, so join in.

An Irishman Performing For Englishmen? Like The 1800s All Over Again.

Heyman and Cesaro are on commentary. We show Cesaro’s dick move to Sheamus as the US Champ and Alberto Del Rio get into the ring. Cesaro then distracts Sheamus, allowing Del Rio to jump him. Sheamus quickly regains the advantage, whacking away at Del Rio in the corner. Alberto manages to hit a snapmare and a kick, only for Sheamus to fire back. Cesaro is speaking Italian to Michael Cole, and I should have understood more of that than I did. Cole actually intentionally mistranslates it, which is a kinda shitty move for a journalist to pull. Sheamus continues to beat on Del Rio, who catches him with an elbow, only to get caught in return to a running senton and gets clotheslined out of the ring. On the outside, Alberto shoves Sheamus into the apron and hits his step-up enzuigiri.

Back from the break, Del Rio climbs up high and comes down with a fist to Sheamus, then locks in sleeper before Sheamus misses a charge and blasts the corner. The trainer runs over, because working on Michael Cole and Ziggler has given him an inflated sense of importance, but Del Rio jumps on Sheamus to ensure that no medical attention can be given. Cesaro makes the point that people in Britain don’t like Sheamus and, honestly, we’re kind of jealous of the Irish’s fun-loving attitudes, their accents, their charm, their prowess with the ladies and, yes, still a little pissed about that whole uprising they had. You know: it’s complicated. Del Rio keeps Sheamus down as we go to another break.

Back to the action, and both men are down, but the United States Champ rises to his feet, sending Del Rio over the ropes, but Alberto lands on the apron and hangs up Sheamus. Sheamus comes back, however, with axe-handles, but Del Rio gets a backstabber. He misses the superkick and nearly gets caught with a roll-up, and Sheamus slams him with the Irish Curse. I actually had a dream last night that I was hanging out with a child who looked exactly like Sheamus: that honestly happened in my subconscious. Alberto slides out of a running senton and ducks a Brogue Kick, hitting a kick of his own to drop Sheamus, but the Irishman kicks out. Del Rio slaps Sheamus, but misses his charge and winds up on the apron so Sheamus can club the crap out of him. Del Rio again counters the running senton, locking in the cross-armbreaker. Sheamus tries to work his way over to ropes, using his feet to force a break. Cesaro tries to get involved and eats a right hand; Sheamus hits a spinning bodyslam, and then Cesaro grabs him, throwing him into the steps and hitting what Cole wonderfully calls a ‘Post-Steps Neutraliser’. Fantastic.

I really liked this match. These two have had some great bouts before, and this had a little more to it than your average SmackDown contest. 3 Stars.

Vickie’s in the ring, but she’s here to announce the debut of ADAM ROSE. I’m sold on this guy for what I’m certain are immature reasons. Although I’d happily replace his music with ‘TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!’ Vickie welcomes him to SmackDown, and he asks her if she’s a lemon, or a rosebud. Vickie doesn’t understand this hip lingo of the drug youth, and insists that she’s not a member of a lemonparty…wait… She gets mad, even though Adam Rose offers her his mollypop. His crowd of followers that only Adam Rose can see then carry her away. Now I’m hoping that Adam Rose leads his army of stoned-to-the-gills wasters on an unbalanced crusade against Wyatt’s child cult.

Renee Young is backstage with the Usos, who are still freaked out at Adam Rose’s Fear and Loathing moment. They say that they’re a real family, unlike the Wyatts. These guys must be assholes to adopted people. They then introduce John Cena, who spouts gibberish in the traditional, annoying sense of the word, in contrast to how Bray, Bo and Adam Rose do it. He says that any fool can run their mouth, and he’s the living proof of that. And can someone tell me what that chest-pound thing is? Other than a red light?

Why Bo-Lieve When You Can Bray-Live?

Here are the Usos, with their blood-relative elitism. And here’s Cena, with his terrible jokes. He’s not saying them, but they’re in there. The Wyatts follow them to the ring, and the bell rings. Harper starts off against Jey, sending him into the corner only to run into a boot. He strikes back with a right, but Jimmy gets a blind tag, coming in on a double-team only for Harper to stop him cold with a big shove. Rowan comes in, and Jimmy ducks a clothesline, heading after Rowan, driving him into the corner and tagging in Jey. They keep Rowan in the corner, and Jimmy comes in now, eventually taking Erick over the top rope with a crossbody. We go to break as the Wyatts regroup.

Back from the break, the Wyatts get back up and Rowan comes into the ring, running Jimmy’s head into the turnbuckle and tagging in Luke. Jimmy hits some strikes, tagging Jey in. Jey gets shoved back, gets a waistlock on Harper, but is backed into a corner and knocked down. Tag to Rowan; he tries a bodyslam, but Jey rolls him up in a pinning attempt; Rowan kicks out and Jey tags in Jimmy. Jimmy takes Rowan down into the corner, but is shut down again by powerful blow. Harper comes in and Jimmy catches him with a kick, only for Luke Harper to hurl him into the middle rope, neck-first.

Rowan’s back in now, with a bodyslam to Jimmy. He drives his fists into the Uso’s head as the crowd begins to sing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. Harper tags himself in, dropping elbows on Jimmy. Jimmy nearly gets a dragon whip to Harper, who manages to kick the Uso right out of the air as a counter. Clubbing blows to Jimmy’s back in the corner, only for Jimmy to kick Harper away and hit his corkscrew moonsault.

Jimmy gets the tag to Jey, who comes in hot, hitting crossbodies and clotheslines to Rowan. Big kick and a bigger Samoan drop, then he ducks Harper to hit the Samoan wrecking ball to Rowan, only to walk right into Harper’s big boot. Jimmy takes Harper out with a big kick of his own, diving through the ropes at him onto the outside. In the ring, Rowan gains his feet, missing a charge and driving himself out of the ring. Jey launches himself over the corner and ring post, taking out Rowan and then Harper with a leaping clothesline, driving Rowan into barricade on the rebound. In the ring, Jey heads up for the Samoan Splash, but Bray shoves him off the top rope for the DQ.

I like matches with the Usos. I like matches with the Wyatts. Do the math (actually, as we’re in Britain, do the maths). Both of these teams are a real pleasure to watch, and this was no exception to the rule. 3 Stars.

Cena runs into the ring, hitting an AA to the big man. Wyatt and Cena stare each other down; Bray gets up on the apron, but then gets back down. But…but why would he climb up…?

This was a fun show. Some better-than-average matches, along with some seriously entertaining moments. The Wyatt/Cena thing seemed like a last-show-before-the-PPV thing, but I’m sure they’ll have something for us next week. I’ll give this week an eight.

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Classy Ring Attire 121 – The Nothing Continues Fri, 23 May 2014 14:31:32 +0000 You remember The Neverending Story? You remember how the bad guy was some entity called The Nothing that was destroying Fantasia? Well it seems like The Nothing has gotten a hold of WWE’s plot because we got straight out nothing this week. So listen to us fill an hour of your time talking about generic wrestling topics (for the most part)

]]> 3 cm punk,Daniel Bryan,Evolution,john cena,Mark Henry,Raw,Smackdown,triple h,WWE You remember The Neverending Story? You remember how the bad guy was some entity called The Nothing that was destroying Fantasia? Well it seems like The Nothing has gotten a hold of WWE's plot because we got straight out nothing this week. You remember The Neverending Story? You remember how the bad guy was some entity called The Nothing that was destroying Fantasia? Well it seems like The Nothing has gotten a hold of WWE's plot because we got straight out nothing this week. So listen to us fill an hour of your time talking about generic wrestling topics (for the most part) Inside Pulse Wrestling no 1:00:21
Bo Dallas Set to Make WWE Return with Debut of Bolieve Gimmick on SmackDown Wed, 21 May 2014 12:51:22 +0000 Bo Dallas once had a cup of coffee on the mainstream WWE stage. Now, with his Bolieve gimmick that he developed down in NXT, Dallas will be making his return / sort of debut on WWE Friday Night SmackDown this week.

CB’s Slant: While I am on record as saying I am not a Bo Dallas fan, it will be interesting to see how the mainstream WWE fans react to his arrival. Will he turn the WWE Universe into true Bolievers? We’ll see.

For full SmackDown spoilers, click here.×250.jpg×250.jpg×120.jpg×120.jpg

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WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 05.23.2014 – Hulk Hogan Cuts Promo, Adam Rose Parties, More Tue, 20 May 2014 21:48:44 +0000 WWE SmackDown Spoilers and Results for Friday 5/23/14 featuring a Hulk Hogan promo for the London crowd and more:

–Hulk Hogan opens the show with Jimmy Hart, announcing that the WWE Network is coming to the UK.

–Batista def. Dolph Ziggler in a No DQ match

–Naomi and Cameron def. Eva Marie and Brie Bella with Summer Rae as special WWE Divas referee

–Bo Dallas debuts and def. Sin Cara

–Sheamus def. Alberto Del Rio

–Adam Rose and The Exotic Express interrupt Vickie Guerrero (I wonder if she secretly have Rose Shaul’s number to see if she could join the entourage)

–The Usos def. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan – John Cena and Bray Wyatt are at ring-side

END SHOW×250.jpg×120.jpg

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Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for May 16th 2014: Fear and Loathing in the Exotic Express Sat, 17 May 2014 12:46:44 +0000 Hello there, ladies and gentlemen. I join you after finally having seen the Godzilla movie; I was certainly impressed by what I saw, and that’s all I’ll say about it. My only problem is now I have no cinematic experience to get excited for until The Hobbit. So I turn to wrestling.

Cody Rhodes, Take Me Home To The Place I Belong…

We’ve got the Usos here, with all of their chanting and crowd participation. The tag champs are going to face the Rhodes Brothers, who are apparently looking to get back into the title hunt: titles they won due to outside interference and lost to old men. But chase that dream.

Goldust starts off with Jey, gets shot off the ropes and manages to catch a leapfrogging Jey with an atomic drop before both men exchange arm drags. Apparently Cody has been celebrating all week long following his victory over Sandow, which is sad in ways I’d need a poet to adequately explain. Cody gets a blind tag and comes in with a dropkick to Jey. Arm wrench to Jey, who backs Cody into the corner, allowing Jimmy to tag in and splash Rhodes. Big chop to Cody and a tag to Jey as both champs drop the double elbow. Jimmy in again, chopping Cody before the Son of a Son of a Plumber tries to get two pins and runs into an uppercut. Michael Cole takes this moment to praise Rybaxel, which can only mean the end is nigh, and Goldust gets the tag, dropping forearms to Jimmy. Cody hits a cheap shot to the back of Jimmy’s head and gets the dashing smacked off him in return before Jimmy eats a Rhodes Uppercut, knocking him out of the ring. Cody tags in as we go to break.

During the break, we get a Bo Dallas promo in which he tells us ‘Bolieve you can fly’; that’s some seriously awful advice. Back to the action and Cody is in control of Jey, then he tags in Goldust, who sends Jey’s shoulder into the corner and clobbers him from the outside. Shoulder-lock to Jey, who rolls out of it, but eats a spinebuster. Cody tags in, continuing the beating to Jey with a seriously aggressive streak. Jey finally scores with an uppercut, but gets one right back before hitting his dragon whip. Goldust gets the tag, managing to take Jey down, only to get low-bridged and sent right out of the ring. Cody throws Goldust back in, but doesn’t get the tag fast enough, and Jimmy joins him as the legal man, knocking him every which way around the ring, hitting a Samoan drop and a Samoan Wrecking Ball. Cross Rhodes is countered; Cody runs into an uppercut and gets caught with a corkscrew moonsault. Goldust breaks up the pin and clotheslines Jimmy out of the ring, only to get kicked off the apron by Jey, who gets caught with a Disaster Kick by Cody. Jimmy breaks up the pin, and Cody walks right into a kick. Samoan Splash ends the match with a victory for the champs.

I liked this one. Some very nice sequences; went a little beyond your usual back and forth. 2.5 Stars.

After the match, Cody slumps against the barricade by JBL and yells ‘what do I gotta do?’ JBL’s reply is inaudible, but probably involved getting a midget mascot. Also, why do the losers of matches appear to be interacting with JBL more? Is he starting a cult? I’d watch that angle.

Oh, Ziggler bitched at Batista this week, so tonight Batista will be ripping out Ziggler’s spine and wearing it like a cartilage-edged boa.

We relive the announcement that Daniel Bryan needs neck surgery. But not before Kane managed to jump him once more, to give him something to remember him by. Other than, you know, the neck injury. Oh, and it looks like Brie Bella might still have some relevance to this story still. Which…is…

Anyway, we’ll be getting an update on Bryan’s surgery later tonight. I assume therefore it won’t be: ‘He’ll never walk again! We’ve stolen a man’s most precious years from him!’

Here’s John Cena, who gives his condolences to Bryan and manages not to be horrifyingly grating whilst doing so. Cena turns his attentions to Wyatt, addressing the idea of the Last Man Standing match. He says you can’t quit in a Last Man Standing match, and I’m pretty sure you can, John; I’m pretty sure you could just decide not to stand up. Wow, has Cena just won all of his because he didn’t know he was allowed to stay down? He then compares Bray unfavourably to JBL, which is over a goddamn line. John starts hilariously explaining to us all that Bray Wyatt doesn’t have balls, and DID YOU FUCKING MISS COMEDY HOUR WITH JOHN CENA? He does, however, accept the Last Man Standing match, so hopefully he’ll get hit in the face with something heavy for every joke he makes over the following weeks. Cena makes an open challenge to any member of the Wyatt Family; Bray can choose who faces him.

Thankfully, Bray then shows up. Amazing how he can talk gibberish and yet make more sense than John Cena. He says he wants to thank Cena for helping him find something inside his mind: the cure to whatever it is that Cena’s doing. Bray then starts singing to end the promo.

Cesaro is backstage, and brings on Damien Sandow, asking him to comment on dressing up as Magneto. Sandow is a bit of snarky bitch, but then quotes Pink Floyd, so awesome.

Heath Slater vs. El Torito: Who Is The Beast And Who Is The Man?

The leader of 3MB, if any man would ever accept such a position, will be facing El Torito. And how dare Sandow act annoyed with his career’s direction when Heath Slater is involved in this farce?

The two circle each other, and then one of Los Matadores tosses Slater his cape and Torito gores Slater in the behind. Watch it, Sandow. You watch this and you be grateful. Apparently midgets are attracted to pink, because as long as Slater has that cape, Torito’s going for him. Slater gets rid of the cloak, leading to El Torito spazzing out somewhat and Slater grabs him. A kick to the thigh levels Slater, but he manages to catch and bodyslam Torito. According to Michael Cole, El Torito is on Twitter, which is a piece of information I shall neither be affected by nor remember. Slater blocks a gore, signalling for Hornswoggle to gore Torito; he accidentally gores Slater, who eats a springboard moonsault by Torito for the win.

There was nothing that could possibly salvage this, and you’re a liar if you say there is. This thing needs to die, and it needed to die when it started. I’ll give it 0.5 Stars, because they didn’t release an airborne supervirus into the world during that match, slaughtering thousands. And only because of that.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if a future backstage segment will feature Slater performing seppuku. I would also most likely press ‘record’.

We recap the Shield demanding that this feud continue. Which is damn cruel, considering the only sensible result is a Shield victory: all they’re doing is forcing Evolution into losing more matches. Also, Batista’s beard, whilst undoubtedly an experiment noble in its origins, does nothing for him whatsoever. Minor point, but it’s getting to me now.

Eva Marie: The New Earl Hebner

Nikki Bella is going to be facing Natalya here, with Eva Marie as the special guest referee, although the symbol of her authority is apparently a zebra-print bra. I gather that something probably happened to Total Divas, and maybe I should know what that was, but the list of things I’d rather do that watch that show includes every activity known to man except ‘vote UKIP’ (requisite British joke!).

Waistlock by Natalya into a leglock. Thesz press by Nikki, and Natalya takes her over with a headlock. The ladies chain wrestle before Natalya catches the Bella with a spinning clothesline. They trade blows, and Nikki rocks Natalya’s face off her knee. Nikki dodges a charge and gets the back of her head slammed off the mat, then Natalya puts her into the surfboard. Nikki’s shoulders are down, but Eva Marie doesn’t count; only when Nikki reverses the pin does a three-count occur.

The sequences these two brought out were good to see; the rest was kind of messy. I’m honestly not sure where this is going, but am waiting for Paige to steal Natalya away from it and wrestle her. 1.5 Stars.

So, Eva Marie’s either a bitch or doesn’t know how to referee a pro-wrestling match. As someone who has, I’d like to say it’s not that difficult. Even when those bastards don’t tell you anything about what they’re going to do out there. And make you a surprise entrant in the battle royal (I was the only one surprised).

Ah, yes, we recap the strange, non-coitus moments of Fandayla’s relationship. I’ll actually say I found it more oddly-heartwarming than I did cheesy. And I’m almost always in favour of giving someone something which stops them spinning their wheels (exceptions include: 3MB, Natalya ‘Neidfart’ and many, many more). Also, let’s face it, Fandango knows that he can’t do better. He should honestly not be doing this well.

Speaking of relationships, Roman’s squeeze Renee Young is backstage with Dolph Ziggler. She asks him why he would possibly want to commit suicide via Batista. She really wants to help this depressed soul. Dolph says that Batista’s been a disappointment. Is that really where this is coming from, Ziggler? Tell us about your mother. He says that Batista didn’t evolve, so now we’re dragging Charles Motherfuckin’ Darwin into this mini-feud. Dolph walks off, and wow, Renee: just let a guy leave when he’s going to kill himself.

The Passion Of The Dolph

Here comes Dolph Ziggler, smiling to hide the tears. I’m now trying to decide whether this is a televised suicide or a snuff film. And here’s Batista, with rage in his eyes and a beard on his face. I guess with Bryan gone, the facial hair count is getting low; we can’t expect the Wyatts to shoulder the entire burden.

And here we go. God speed, Mr Ziggles. He dodges away twice, rolling out of the ring and back in, and has he decided that he’s got something to live for? Like a United States Championship shot? He then starts pounding on Batista, who drags him out of the ring and hurls him into the barricade. So, he has chosen the way of pain. Ziggler’s thrown into the steps. Michael says that ‘many experts’ think that the Shield caught Evolution by surprise. I’m sorry: are we experts now? CB: get the lab coats. Harrak: apply for funding. Sanders: debate with me on Freudian Symbolism inherent in the RKO. Back in the ring, Batista hurls Ziggler into a corner as the rest of the locker room go from Denial to Anger. Sleeper applied, and Dolph tries to fight out, and gets caught with a big spinebuster. Boos aplenty from the audience; a lot of them believe in the Sanctity of Life. Batista Bomb attempted, but Ziggler fights back and hits a DDT! Both men reach their feet in what has to be the most elaborate suicide ever, and Ziggler ducks a charge, hitting splash and reigning down punches; Batista then hits a blatant low-blow.

In my expert opinion, I actually found that quite entertaining: I shouldn’t like squash matches as much as I do, but if you ever saw me play a video game you’d understand where that comes from. And I’d like to see at least one truly dangerous out here, and you could arguably do worse than Batista. 2 Stars.

Batista continues with the assault as Michael puts in: ‘now this is about hurting Ziggler’. I’m sorry, was it ever not? Batista Bomb lays Ziggler out, and instead of a twenty-one gun salute we get Lillian announcing Dolph as the winner, and instead of a dirge we get Ziggler’s music. Classy. Batista then decides that his grand work is not yet complete, and so Batista Bombs Dolph onto the barricade. Lesson learned, kids: this is what could happen next time you talk shit on the internet.

As Plans Go, Sheamus’ Is Pretty Solid

Our United States Champion is here, and he’ll be facing Titus O’Neil. So, another pre-match beatdown and a Brogue Kick: excellent. And Titus has a microphone in his hand: are we about to see the new Alicia Fox moment? He asks how Sheamus is the United States Champ when he’s not even from the US, so apparently Zeb and Swagger couldn’t make it tonight. He tells Sheamus to get the hell out of his ring.

Sheamus Brogue Kicks Titus immediately: shades of a young Zack Ryder. I’m actually surprised I managed to call that half-successfully.

Not much point, is there?

Not-Renee is standing outside the Exotic Express and he tries to get through the wall of partiers. Apparently this guy’s name is Byron Saxton. Yeah, he’s Not-Renee. Adam makes his appearance, and is clearly LSD’d off this planet. He says he has no issue with Coulter and Swagger, so his tormenting of them really comes off as something someone with a narcotic dependency would do. Also, wouldn’t it be amazing if what we’re seeing is actually what Adam Rose is seeing? In reality, there’s no bunny, no girls, no lemon, no cheeseburger: Adam Rose is just a guy standing next to a broken-down van he thinks is the Exotic Express and he thinks the people who are trying to get him to urinate in a cup are there to interview him. He makes Byron have his lollipop, and Byron starts acting crazy. Because that’s where the drugs are and now Byron is seeing everything as Adam sees it!

If You Don’t Eat Your Meat, You Can’t Have Any Pudding

Here’s Damien Sandow, and he issued an open challenge to anyone. So, it would make sense for Adam Rose to make his debut against this guy: clash of ideologies and all that, but no: here’s Santino and Emma. Joy.

Sandow starts pounding on Sandow, and I think we can all relate. He misses a charge and blasts the turnbuckle and gets Cobra’d. Santino wins.

Wow: I don’t usually give marks for brevity, but I’m willing to make an exception here. 2 Stars.

Sandow grabs the mic after the match, and that was a damn fast recovery from a pinning move. He says he’s a great soldier: the smart guy loses. He says that some idiot keeps his mic on, and that prompts them to turn it off. Walked into that one, Damien.

 Heyman’s Streak-Gloating Lasted Longer Than That Match

R-Truth’s in the ring, and out comes Paul Heyman. He tells R-Truth that he can’t handle the Truth: being a Paul Heyman guy is the best thing in the world ever. He brings up the Streak again, and the Memorial Battle Royal, and that’s sure not getting old. Cesaro makes his way out to that damned air raid siren; I can’t watch a Cesaro entrance with my grandparents in the room: they try to find the bomb shelter.

Cesaro immediately goes on the offence, going for an arm-drag before R-Truth rolls him. Up Truth vaults over Cesaro, hitting a calf-kick to the face, and nearly gets the Scissor Kick, but Cesaro catches him with Very European Uppercut and finishes it with the Neutraliser.

Another short match, and this time I’m less happy about it. This is why I want Rusev to keep his steady rise going: when he gets to guys like Cesaro and Sheamus and Barrett we’ll have some interesting matches ahead of us. 1.5 Stars.

Cesaro holds the ropes open for Heyman to leave, and that shouldn’t remind me of Scott Steiner and Stacy Keibler, but oh God it did.

We recap the recap of Bryan’s neck, and apparently they’ll be turning their attention to the championship situation on RAW. I hope to hell it involves making the damn thing one belt; why else would you unify the damn things?

Meatball, Meatball, Spaghetti Underneath! Ravioli, Ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!

Cena comes out, followed by Wyatt, as Michael Cole says that if Bray doesn’t put himself in the match, then he’s a coward. Or, maybe he wants Rowan or Harper to be able to say they main-evented a SmackDown in a singles match. Did you consider that, Michael? The Wyatts surround the ring, and here come the Usos to back the Wyatts off. These guys really can’t leave well enough alone.

Back from a quick break, and apparently Erick Rowan will be facing Cena. Man, that Bray really loves spreading the fame. Rowan jumps Cena, ramming his head into a corner and punching him to the ground. Cole also says that Wyatt lacks courage…because he chose to fight in a Last Man Standing match rather than an ordinary singles match? Bodyslam to Cena, and I swear Rowan could not look more like a cartoon. And Cole’s level of twisting the truth has reached 1984 levels: he’s actually less honest now than when he was a heel. Cena’s thrown into the steps, then back into the ring. Rowan double-fists Cena (you know what I mean), and Cena manages to hit a dropkick (‘manages’ being a good choice of word). Big boot to John, knocking him back down, and he is just Rowan’s bitch right now. Pumphandle backbreaker: that’s an interesting one, I must say. Cena hangs Rowan up on the ropes, which according to SmackDown 4: Shut Your Mouth makes him a heel. He gets clotheslined, tries to fight back, but gets shoulder-blocked right back down. Rowan misses a splash, and catches Cena in his Frisky Bearhug. We’re actually seeing a guy beat and physically dominate Cena fairly as Cena employs heel tactics: what’s happening right here?

Rowan turns the bearhug into a side-slam, and I’m seeing some stuff I really don’t remember seeing before. Erick runs into a shoulder, then gets Cena’s spin-out powerbomb. Five-Knuckle Shuffle leads to an AA, but Rowan wriggles out, catches him in a fallaway slam and charges him, crushing him in the corner. Boot to the side of Cena, and he tries for another one, but Cena locks in the STF. Harper tries to interfere and the Usos maul him before leaping out at him. Rowan claw-slams a distracted Cena, getting the close two-count. Cena slides out of a pumphandle slam, and the AA gets the win.

I’m very impressed. I’d tended to disregard Rowan as Harper and Bray started to take prominence, but this reminded me of my interest in him at the start: he did things in there I can’t remember seeing before. 3 Stars.

This was an…interesting SmackDown. Tonne of a crap, but some rather good bits in between. Focusing on the positive rather than the piss-poor elements, I’d say that it gets a seven.

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