Inside Pulse Wrestling » TNA Spoilers Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Wed, 29 Oct 2014 05:58:31 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling no Wrestling news, rumors, reviews and commentary, from WWE to TNA to ROH and everything in between... Inside Pulse Wrestling » TNA Spoilers TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 05.10.2012 – TNA Sacrifice PPV Hype plus One Secret Revealed Wed, 09 May 2012 01:35:07 +0000 Below are TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 5/10/12 featuring final hype for Sunday’s TNA Sacrifice PPV and a couple of storyline reveals:

–It is announced that Bobby Roode, Rob Van Dam, Mr. Anderson, and Jeff Hardy will compete in a Fatal Four Way Match, with Anderson and Hardy taking the title shot if they win and RVD and Roode getting to pick the stipulation should they win.

–Brooke Tessmacher def. Velvet Sky. After the fact, Gail Kim ran out and laid a beating on Tessmacher.

–Crimson def. Matt Morgan. Bully Ray attacked Morgan before the match. The count-out was made.

–TNA X-Division Champion Austin Aries def. Zema Ion.

–Kazarian and Daniels reveal photos of AJ Styles making out with Dixie Carter (yes, really). AJ Styles is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

–Devon retained the TNA Television Title by defeating Robbie E.

–Joseph Park tried to confront Bully Ray but was punched right in the head for his efforts.

–Rob Van Dam won a fatal four way match against Bobby Roode, Mr. Anderson, and Jeff Hardy to earn picking the stipulation for TNA Sacrifice. The stipulation that RVD picked was a Ladder Match.

–Abyss then returned after the match, so he’s no longer missing. Or Bully Ray punched Joseph Park so hard that a tear in the time space continuum was created and he turned back into Abyss.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 05.03.2012 – Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair on the Mic, RVD vs. Jeff Hardy in the Ring Tue, 01 May 2012 23:49:22 +0000 Below are TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 5/3/12, featuring a verbal exchange between Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair on the Mic, RVD vs. Jeff Hardy in a match, and more:

-Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair cut promos on each other going back and forth over a variety of topics. A match between the two in the future is alluded to.

-Brooke Tessmacher and Velvet Sky defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.

-We get an in-ring promo involving RVD and Bobby Roode. RVD talks about never losing the World Title in the first place. Roode says he plans on adding RVD to the list of guys he beats. Bobby Roode chose Jeff Hardy as RVD’s opponent tonight while RVD chose Mr. Anderson as Roode’s opponent.

-Devon defeated Robbie T to retain the TV Title when Robbie E interfered causing a DQ.

-TNA Gut Check Judgment for Alex Silva: The Judges are Al Snow, Bruce Pritchard and Ric Flair. There is a big “talent show” feel to the segment. Initially Bruce Pritchard and Flair were going to say no but after some convincing from Al Snow and a promo from Silva, they changed their minds. Silva therefore earned a TNA Contract.

-Rob Van Dam defeated Jeff Hardy despite interference from Bobby Roode.

-Bully Ray brought Jeremy Borash out to the ring and bullied him. Austin Aries came out and had words with Ray. Eventually Ray spits in Aries’ face which leads into a big brawl. Security comes out and separated the two but Bully Ray was able to get in a cheap shot. They later retaped the segment just for James Alsop, who LOVES pull-apart brawls.

-AJ Styles, Samoa Joe and Magnus defeated Kurt Angle, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian. AJ was able to hit the Styles Clash on Kazarian for the win.

After the match, Daniels announced that next week, unless AJ Styles reveals the secret himself, they will reveal it for him.

-In a No DQ Match, Bobby Roode defeated Mr. Anderson. Jeff Hardy interfered during the match but Bobby was able to fight him off. After the match, Roode attacked both Anderson and Hardy with chairs until Rob Van Dam made the save. Roode ended up laying out RVD with the chair as well.


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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 03.22.2012 – Victory Road Fallout (Dixie Carter, Bobby Roode, James Storm) Tue, 20 Mar 2012 23:26:32 +0000 Below are TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 3/22/12 featuring Dixie Carter’s fallout with Bobby Roode following the TNA Victory Road PPV, James Storm building up his feud with Roode for the upcoming TNA LockDown PPV in April, and Hulk Hogan returning to the Impact Zone:

–Dixie Carter opens the show and wants to fire Bobby Roode for his actions after Victory Road. Sting comes out and talks her out of it so that James Storm can take care of Roode at Lockdown. In a blockbuster announcement, Sting steps down as head of the show and suggests that Hulk Hogan run the company again.

–James Storm comes out and also talks about Bobby Roode. A man comes out (?) and says Roode won’t be appearing until LockDown and isn’t obligated to. Storm vs. Daniels and Kazarian is announced for tonight.

–Knockouts Tag Champions Eric Young and ODB beat Rosita and Sarita.

–Austin Aries, Tony Nese, Kid Kash and Zema Ion wrestle to a No Contest when Bully Ray comes out and clears the ring.

–Samoa Joe and Magnus beat Mexican America. Rosita and Sarita interfered until Repo Games’ Josh Lewis ran out and stopped them.

–Gunner attacked Garett Bischoff in his 5 Minute Challenge rematch with Kurt Angle. Jeff Hardy came in and made the save.

–James Storm beat Kaz and Daniels in a Handicap Match

–Hulk Hogan returns to end the show. Sting comes out and begs Dixie Carter to let Hogan run the show. Sting says Hogan has changed and should be in charge of TNA, brother.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for 3.15.12 – Final Victory Road PPV Buildup (Sting vs. Bobby Roode) Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:00:57 +0000 Below are TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for 3/15/12 featuring final buildup for this Sunday’s Victory Road PPV, a contract signing for Sting vs. Bobby Roode, Austin Aries’ X Division milestone, James Storm and Bully Ray continuing their feud, and more:

–James Storm challenges Bully Ray but Ray says that he has another opponent for Storm. Gunner comes out and gets into it with the Cowboy. Match followed later.

–Crimson def. Samoa Joe

–Austin Aries cuts a promo celebrating having the longest X Divsion title reign in TNA history. Zema Ion comes out and there was some champagne involved as they celebrated…

–Mr. Anderson def. Daniels with the Mic Check. Daniels was busted open during the match.

–Gail Kim def. Mickie James

–Beat the clock challenge (5 minutes): Kurt Angle vs. Garett Bischoff. Angle dominated him throughout the match but didn’t succeed in bearing the clock.

–James Storm def. Gunner

–Contract signing for Victory Road between Sting and Roode closed the show. Roode cut a promo while Sting listened. Of course, Sting then became mad again, destroyed the furniture, took out Roode and forcefully applied the FACEPAINT OF DOOM on both Roode and himself.

–Xplosion match: Kazarian def. Eric Young

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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 3.8.12 – One Wrestler Returns to TNA Tue, 06 Mar 2012 20:00:38 +0000 TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers 3/8/12, courtesy of The Wrestling Enterprise.

In a match taped for TNA Xplosion, Velvet Sky defeated Angelina Love

The tag team match between Garrett Bischoff and Gunner on opposite ends are announced, with Kurt Angle will be Gunner’s partner.

Eric Young and ODB capture the TNA Knockout’s Tag Team Titles over Madison Rayne and Gail Kim

Zema Ion triumphed over TNA X-Division Champion Austin Aries via disqualification. Aries was caught using the hair spray.

It is announced that Bully Ray and Bobby Roode will be squaring off for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.

Bully Ray and Bobby Roode battled to a no contest when James Storm interfered. Bobby Roode keeps the TNA World Heavyweight title.

Crimson and Matt Morgan became the number one contenders to the TNA Tag Team Titles over Robbie E and Robbie T

Mr. Anderson makes his return, saving AJ Styles from Daniels and Kazarian.

In the main event, which was taped on the third night of tapings on February 29th 2012, Jeff Hardy and Garrett Bischoff joined forces to defeat Gunner and Kurt Angle.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 2.23.12 (Bully Ray, Sting, Bobby Roode, Brandon Jacobs) Thu, 16 Feb 2012 12:00:56 +0000 TNA Spoilers for 2.23.12:

Segment:James Storm and Brandon Jacobs came out for a promo where Jacobs calls out Bully Ray to the ring. Ray talks smack about Jacobs saying he played poorly did in the Super Bowl. Bully Ray declined to fight Jacobs and so Jacobs said if he isn’t coming to the ring then he will take the fight to Ray himself. Jacobs then chased Ray, who escaped to the back.

1. James Storm and Jeff Hardy (with Brandon Jacobs) fought Bully Ray and Kurt Angle to an apparent no contest. A table was introduced to the ring mid-match and the match finished with Bully Ray taking a Choke Slam through the table from Jacobs. Jacobs then says Storm’s catchphrase as he and Storm celebrate.

Segment: World Champion Bobby Roode came out for a promo and proclaims he ended Sting’s career as one of his lifetime achievements.

2. Samoa Joe and Magnus defeated Matt Morgan and Crimson to retain the World Tag Team Titles. Crimson again accidentally hit Morgan, then Joe and Magnus hit their finishing combination. Crimson walked out on Morgan after the match.

3. Zema Ion defeated Alex Shelley via shenanigans. X Division Champion Austin Aries was ringside eating popcorn.

4. Gail Kim defeated ODB with Eat Defeat. No. 1 Contender Madison Rayne was ringside with Gail Kim.

5. AJ Styles defeated Robbie E. in a TV Title match by DQ. Styles was about to finish off Robbie E., when Daniels and Kazarian come out and attack Styles causing the DQ.

Segment: Sting came out to the ring and acted all sad when Bobby Roode interrupted. Bobby said he has to be here for retirement and Sting responds by going in Joker Mode, putting on his face-paint and saying that Roode lit a fire under him. Sting says he and Roode will FIGHT at the Victory Road PPV. Roode then tries to cheap-shot Sting but Sting blocked it and hit a low blow of his own.

Xplosion Taping

1. Mickie James and Velvet Sky defeated Rosita and Sarita.

2. Robbie E defeated Eric Young.

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TNA Impact Wrestling Spoilers for Thursday 2.16.12 (Against All Odds Fallout, Brandon Jacobs, Bully Ray, Sting, Bobby Roode) Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:00:59 +0000 Courtesy of

Segment: Bobby Roode celebrated / gloated about his Against All Odds victory, then Sting interrupted him saying that Roode will defend his World Championship against Jeff Hardy in a No DQ match and that match is … NOW!

1. Bobby Roode defeated Jeff Hardy in a No DQ match to retain the World Title. Kurt Angle interfered and cost Jeff Hardy the match.

2. James Storm defeated Bully Ray to become the #1 Contender for the
World Title. After the match, Ray jumped Storm but New York Giants’ RB Brandon Jacobs showed up and had a stare down with Bully Ray before road agents broke it up.

3. Austin Aries and Zema Ion defeated Alex Shelley and Shannon Moore. Ion pinned Shelley with the roll up after he blind tagged himself into the match when Aries was about to hit Shelley with the brain buster.

4. Madison Rayne won the 10 Knockouts Battle Royal to become the #1 Contender to Gail Kim’s Knockouts Title. BFFs no more?

Segment: Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, Gunner and the returning Chelsea (Desmond Wolfe’s lady back from 2010) came to the ring. Eric said Vince Russo’s Garett’s career is over and not to come back anymore.

Lastly, Sting came out and called out Bobby Roode to tell Bobby he’ll be defending his title against James Storm at Lockdown. Roode laid out Sting with the title belt after the announcement was made.

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TNA Monday iMPACT! Spoilers: 3 Former World Champs Rumored Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:24:15 +0000 It is looking like tomorrow’s Monday move debut for TNA iMPACT! will feature the returns of…

…Jeff Hardy and Sting, plus the TNA debut of Rob Van Dam.

Also set for the show, which goes head to head with WWE Raw:

– TNA World Champ AJ Styles & Ric Flair (in his first televised match since he retired at WrestleMania a couple of years ago) vs. Abyss & Hulk Hogan

– Scott Hall & Sean Waltman vs. Kevin Nash & Eric Young

Inside Pulse Wrestling will have live coverage of the new Moday Night Wars starting tomorrow, so tune in here!


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Junk News, Huzzah! Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:46:53 +0000 Hi gang! I’m rested and refreshed and ready to once again rock the wrestling world with my brand of hard hitting journalism. About pro wrestling. Sigh.

Let us begin with the TNA spoilers, since a bit of the column will deal with the debut of Wolf Desmond, the animal with the first name last name.

Kurt Angle comes out and basically ends the main event mafia. He looks around TNA and sees wrestlers like AJ Styles, Eric Young, Scott Steiner and Matt Morgan all growing up. They’re becoming men, and Kurt Angle wants to make it official. Angle forsakes wrestling and declares himself a rabbi, saying he will Bar Mitzvah all of the up and coming wrestlers.

Team 3D and Rhino come out and bicker for a bit. Rhino is mad that there are new main event wrestlers, and Team 3D is upset Rhino tried and failed to cost them whatever titles they won at the PPV. I don’t know how it was resolved.

AJ Styles vs, Samoa Joe vs. Daniels is the main event for Turning Point. HUGE score. HUGE. I might actually go watch a TNA PPV again.

Homicide fights Amazing Red. In a fight between murder and a piece of gum, I’d pick murder most of the time.

Matt Morgan fights Scott Steiner in a battle of the up and coming stars. Scott Steiner harrasses Krystal Marshall which angered my least favorite professional wrestler ever, Bobby Lashley So Bobby Lashley and Matt Morgan are in the same program? This is going to create a vortex of suck that will destroy professional wrestling as we know it.

Joe and Nash fight AJ and Daniels in a really good match except when Nash is in.

The Beautiful People do a little skit. Sounds like we’re settling into the comedy portion of the evening. A little Kevin Nash, a little Beautiful People. Nothing like some light entertainment. They should follow this with a woman’s match.

And they do! It’s between Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed and… oh. Oh no. It sounds kinda violent.

Hernandez kicks the snot out of Rhino, then Rhino attacks him but Team 3D runs in for the save. Wouldn’t Rhino be too beat up after losing a match to attack the winner? I guess no.

Nigel McGuinness shows up and beats the crap out of Kurt Angle. His new name is Wolf Desmond. Why not Desmond Wolf? Doesn’t Demond Wolf sound a little better? Anyway, alot more on this in a bit.

Beer Money wins the tag titles from Brittish Invasion in a tag match by disqualification. IN A CAGE MATCH. Come on Russo! You almost had me, and then you do this. Just stupid.

Angle goes to the ring and demands Wolf Desmond come down and face him. Long story short, McGuiness jumps him from behind.

And the main event? Motor City Machine Guns versus Lethal Consequences in an Ultimate X match. That’s reasonably awesome.

Okay! So. This looks like a GREAT episode of Impact. I haven’t watched any TNA at all lately, but I might tune in for this show. Wrestlers I like getting pushes, big main events, and a huge get for TNA in Nigel McGuiness.

It’s a hard call to say whether or not Nigel did the right thing. The money he could potentially make in WWE dwarves his potential TNA income. The work load for TNA is going to be much less than it would have been in the WWE. In WWE he probably would have started out fighting Golddust and Yoshi Tatsu, the new number one contender for the ECW championship. In TNA he’s going to headline the first PPV he’s on versus the best wrestler in their company. I’m not sure there has ever been a Brittish WWE heavyweight champion, and in TNA they’ll put their belt on anyone of any color or ethnicity. TNA might have saddled Nigel with a ridiculous name, but we can all agree his WWE name would have been far worse. From all indications, TNA looks like the best place for Nigel.

Of course, news has just broken that it was the only place for Nigel since he failed a prescreening. I bet it concerns his numerous injuries and maybe his use of steroids.

Bryan Danielson, meanwhile, should definitely go to WWE. They’ll team him up with Hornswoggle. It’ll be fantastic.

Hulk Hogan’s new book will have a chapter in it where he said he tried to commit suicide with xanax and rum, or as my friend Brian calls it, pregaming. Hogan was then saved by Muhammed Ali’s daughter. So, add suicidal to the list of terrible traits that define Hulk Hogan.

RVD gave an interview where he said Vince Russo and Dixie Carter were perfectly nice if a little corporate. He added, “Dixie looks like she’d give great head. Wanna hit this?” RVD would love TNA and their collection of drug using hippies.


Huge news, as Lex Luger gave an interview to saying he found Jesus. AND BONED HIM!

Someone from the creative team let it leak that the reason they’re not using Carlito is he doesn’t seem to care or contribute ideas. Isn’t the team supposed to come up with ideas? I mean, they are “creative”.

I’ll help: If John Cena wins the Iron Man match, Carlito interferes in his match the next night on RAW, replacing Ted Dibiase in Legacy. Carlito is jealous of how they’ve both been there the same amount of time but John Cena is a champion. Carlito would make a nice little surprise challenger for the title. If Randy Orton wins, Carlito interupts his celebration to pretend to join Legacy, but instead backstabs Orton. He loses a match against Orton that night and is beat down by Cody Rhodes with a chair or something. Then those two are in a program.

It’s not rocket science people. You don’t even need to give these people a reason to dislike one another. Carlito can wrestle and he can cut a promo. He should be on tv somewhere. Maybe in Matt Hardy’s spot.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and post this thing as news.

Jericho drones on about the dumb 7 man match at the PPV. You know what would be great? If Christian led down a group of jobbers to make it a triple threat match. Christian and the jobbers take on the world, and Zach Ryder gets the pinfall! Woo woo woo indeed.

The weak ass Smackdown team is replaced by a slightly less weak ass team of Matt Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth and the Hart Lega… Dynasty. Finally, Matt Hardy is back on PPV! And undoubtably jobbing.

Morrison fights Knox and cuts a witty little promo. Poor Knox. I thought he had a little something going on. Nope.

Scott Armstrong has a bunch of skits with Vince McMahon about screwing the Undertaker. Mmmm. I mean, no. That does not turn me on.

Mae Young showed up to slap Michelle McCool. So that’s her final WWE appearance before she dies.

Kane and Jericho fight BatRey in a match I won’t watch if the Yankees have a playoff game that night.

Mickey James kicks the living piss out of Layla.

Undertaker jobs out CM Punk, that little no talent bitch.

Thanks for reading! Only positive comments below. Seriously. If you didn’t like the column, Widro or Matthew Michaels would love to hear from you. Not me. I don’t care. I don’t care at all. I don’t get paid for this, I barely enjoy it and I don’t care if you live or die. So shut up. And yeah, I posted this as news. It’s filled with news. Filled with it.×120.jpg

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Junk News, Huzzah! Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:00:15 +0000 junknews-logo

There is NOTHING in the news this week. Just nothing. I started writing a rant about how I was a meaner writer now cause my life sucked so bad, but no wants to read that crap and it started to hurt my stomach to write it. I read Monday’s spoilers for TNA and the show looked so bad I almost fell asleep just reading about it. I read the spoilers for Smackdown and nothing special happens. After weeks filled with trials and arrests and that horrible thing that Tyler Reks did to that poor Filipino ladyboy and deportations, we have hit my first snag since I once again started writing this dumb column: There is no news.

This leaves us with a bit of an ethical quandary. Should I ditch my unpaid responsibilities, instead masturbating and going to do my crappy job while my 19 faithful readers wait patiently for my lazily written jokes about wrestling? Should I dutifully post the TNA spoilers and the Smackdown spoilers with my usual ‘witty’ commentary? Shall I once again make up some stuff about Tyler Reks or even better, insult a young woman I’ve never met for 4 paragraphs? What do I owe you in this social contract? What do you expect of me?

I mean, SOOOOOO much happened at the first TNA tapings and the fun continued at the second. How about I mute that loud, intrusive video game ad that my column is apparently sponsored by and once again drag up the crappy TNA spoilers written by old timey Inside Pulse reporter Iain Burnside. Iain is a Libra who enjoys long walks on the beach with your fat, ugly mom. He also has an extra I in his name.

Main Event Mafia begins the first show by coming out and bitching about how the worst wrestler in the world and the reason I don’t watch TNA, Matt Morgan, cost him the world title at the terrible PPV. Angle whines like a little bitch and then Eric Young and the World Elite come out and make Angle promise to have the Mafia beat up Hernandez. Angle promises to roid up and steal Hernadez’s car and stalk Hernandez at a Starbucks. Angle isn’t worried about getting arrested because there is no justice for minorities in this country, and a rich white man can do whatever he wants to a poor black woman or a Latino man without consequences. Make no mistake, Kurt Angle belongs in jail for what he did, and he should have been suspended by TNA for being caught with HGH. But it’s okay because he had a 3 year old prescription for it. What a joke Dixie Carter is. It would be different if they put on a watchable show, but nope. OH! They brought in Ed Ferrara and probably promoted Vince Russo. Yay. TNA is saved. Saved by the team that brought us the worst run of WCW of all time. Come on Ed! What’s the harm in it now? Break out Oklahoma! We want Oklahoma you piece of garbage.

Sheik Abdul Bashir! Aren’t you supposed to be a terrorist? Shouldn’t you have blown up the Impact Zone by now? Get your act together.

Suicide fights The Pope again. I know how you feel Pope. I’ve been fighting Suicide lately. The best thing to do is keep yourself busy and try not to think about the past and you’ll be just fine.

Rhino fights D-Von to a no contest. They bust each other open, have a real physical match and then Bubba runs out and says all three of them should work together to create a hole of suck. Remember when TNA was going to finally be the company to exploit Rhino’s potential? How’d that work out Rhino? You joke. You nothing. You work as a mid-card wrestler for the worst professional wrestling company of all time. How proud you must feel.

Mick Foley begins a series of vignettes about someone who stole his trading card. These vignettes include pretty much the only performer I care about on the show, Alex Shelley. I’m pretty sure it’s the only time he’s shown on tv in the 4 hours they filmed this week. In yet another parallel to WCW, this is exactly what they did with Chris Jericho. They are wasting Alex Shelley, costing the company and him money for absolutely no good reason. He probably didn’t shake Kurt Angle’s hand and Kurt went all Undertaker on him. Just ridiculous, petty and unentertaining.

AJ Styles challenges Sting to a title match at Bound for Glory. Oh good. Another main event with Sting. Finally, TNA responds to what the fans have been clamoring for: Sting. I hope he gives another one of his game show promos. Come on Bashir! Blow the arena up! What are you, a pussy? Do you not adhere to your beliefs? DO IT!

Sarita and Taylor Wilde defend their soon to be phased out Knockout’s Tag Team title versus ODB and Tara. I don’t love how WWE runs its women’s division, but I get the thinking behind it: If the girls aren’t going to be the best wrestlers on the planet, they might as well be way beyond average in the looks department.

More stupidity with fat Mick Foley. God, I’ve ballooned in the past few years. I almost resemble Mick. But I have better knees and less injuries than him, so I would probably be a more convincing threat than him.

Samoa Joe defends his title against Daniels and Homicide. That looks okay, but I heard the X-Division match at the PPV was terrible and that Joe has become a shell of his former self.

The World Elite and Main Event Mafia EXPLODE when Kurt Angle throws Eric Young in front of a Matt Morgan bicycle kick. Matt Morgan is absolutely the worst. Just the worst. It’s not completely his fault. Who is in TNA to teach him the correct way a big man should wrestle? Abyss? Kevin Nash? The man has no one to learn from. He’s just so boring and terrible.

Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin appear on tv at this point to earn their per diem.

THE BOSS Bobby Lashley fights THE HOSS Jethro Holiday. They should stop letting Bobby Lashley come up with his own nicknames. Here are some suggestions:

The Black Lesnar.
The Higher Pitched Mike Tyson.
The Awful Wrestler.

Those are enough. Mick Foley turned on Abyss in the main event, beating him with a barbed wire bat! Why, another heel turn for Foley in the course of a few months?!?!?! Welcome back Ferrara and Russo!

Wasn’t that fun? If nothing else, we’ll get through the second week of tapings quicker.

Scotty Goldman defeated a Puma in the dark match. I’d be more impressed if it was the animal, but impressed if it was the shoe.

Abyss demands an explanation from Mick Foley. Mick Foley calls Abyss a wannabe Mick Foley. “No,” replies Abyss. “I’m not nearly as fat or successful. Also, when I retire, I won’t come back 80 times.”

Amazing Red beat 5 or 6 other X-Division guys to win a title shot. No Alex Shelley though. No Chris Sabin TNA sucks ass.

Oh! But great news! They don’t have my favorite wrestler in a match, but they have Dr. Stevie vs. Kevin Nash. We can finally blow off that feud. No more worrying about that.

AND THEN HEMME VS. BROOKS! OH MY GOD! Did TNA read my diary? By the way, I’ve seen the nude Traci Brooks photos. Definite meh.

And they follow that 4 star classic with ODB fighting Awesome Kong, which is rudely interrupted by Tara. She probably does stuff with her spider.

Hernandez vs. Kurt Angle is interrupted by the super crappy World Elite who beat up both men. The Main Event Mafia makes the save. So we have Matt Morgan fighting Angle at the PPV but he’s caught up in this World Elite silliness with Hernandez for some… forget it. TNA is retarded.

Lacey Von Erich joins The Beautiful People. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay,

Matt Morgan fights Eric Young. Kurt Angle, dressed as Abyss, hits Matt Morgan with a chair and then attacks Eric Young. Then everyone attacks everyone.

Samoa Joe attacks Bobby Lashley after what I’m sure is just an awful, awful match cause Bobby Lashley is terrible and an obvious steroid user.

Let’s spoiler Smackdown quick and get on with the joy of living.

Cm Punk cuts a promo. Undertaker comes out with druids. Druids let Teddy Long out of a coffin. Teddy makes some matches in the Undertaker’s favor including at Hell in a Cell. It all looks very childish.

Morrison and Finlay fight Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox in the 80th variation of that match. Knox keeps losing. I think he’ll fit in nicely in TNA.

Slam Master J fights Kane after he is caught spray painting Teddy Long’s office. Represent Slam Master. Is his winning move a slam? It should be.

Jericho and Big Show beat down Batista, who challenges them to a match with his partner Roid Mysterioid.

DH Smith fights JTG, Vince meets with CM Punk, and Punk defeats Undertaker by count-out. Don’t worry though, it’s probably all very one sided and Undertaker gets back the heat he lost at the end of the match.

Hope you have a cheery week! See you in 7 days with more hard hitting professional wrestling jokes and commentary×120.jpg

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Junk News, Huzzah! Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:00:32 +0000

Rey Mysterio Jr. has one again been caught abusing drugs. I am not a saint. I have partaken in my fair share of pills and steroids. I’ve snorted coke, heroin, angel dust. I’ve freebased Mary Jane and taken hit after hit of acid. I drink a cup of caffeine every morning and had to kick the tobacco devil off my throat hole. I’ve Xed out and prozaced in. I’ve watched my fair share of the horrible sitcom Two and a Half Men. I’ve eaten ass for an Oxy and licked vag for a Vicodin. I’m not innocent. But Rey Mysterio Jr., you are beyond the pale! I hope we can all only hope that they respond to this incident with the swift expulsion of Tyler Reks.

Speaking of Tyler Reks, it wouldn’t shock me if he framed Rey Mysterio. When he was a little girl the douchebag wrestling surfer developed a firm hatred of Mexicans. He would beg the Mexican family that lived next door to use his tongue as toilet paper, but they simply glared at him with the contempt that normal people feel for 8 year old white kids with dreadlocks. Ever since then he swore that one day he would frame a Mexican for using drugs and get as many people as possible to use his tongue as toilet paper. While he has succeeded on the latter, it is the former that still troubles him and it is why I think that he might be responsible for Rey’s positive test.

In the end, regardless of how much Tyler Reks loves licking a freshly used butthole, Rey Mysterio is innocent until proven guilty. He claims he had a prescription for the drugs that were in his system when he took the test. Before we turn into an angry mob I hope we can all take a deep breath and remember that the most important thing right now is to come up with a new nickname for him. Although from what I understand this had nothing to do with HGH, I’m going to call him Roid Mysterio.

Christopher Daniels was arrested for a DUI after a wild night of drinking with Hurricane Helms. Police say Daniels ingested over a bottle of whiskey and a pint of green semen.

Seriously though, Christopher Daniels, you’ve let us all down. We believed in you. You’re a professional wrestler who works for TNA and you were only busted for drunk driving? You should be on roids, shrooms and heroin. You should be arrested for operating a meth lab out of your abused girlfriend’s basement. Way to let us down Daniels. Jerk.

Seriously though, I’m pretty sure this took place on Friday which means Daniels didn’t honor the Sabbath and keep it holy. What a disgrace to Jews he is.

I just want to add that Tyler Reks is an ungrateful piece of crap. “Big thanks to Jim at the Power House gym in Canton Ohio for hookin up me and Yoshi with workouts.” You write that on Twitter? Jim went out of his way to make you and Yoshi feel welcome in his home, to feel welcome in the gym in which he lives and the best you can do is give him a shout out on Twitter. I wish I could see you right now so I could give you want you love so dearly, a diarrhea milkshake. Next time you get on the mike at a house show and you give Jim a shout out you ungrateful, useless dreadlocked douchebag.

Bryan Danielson signed with the WWE! Finally, we fanboys will live out our fantasies of watching Bryan Danielson take on a crappy new wrestling name and job to The Miz.

Danielson cut a promo saying that while he would love to wrestle on the Independent scene forever, he realizes that one day he’ll have medical bills and is joining the WWE so he can pay for them. That sure worked for Jake Roberts and Roddy Piper and Justin Credible and The Iron Shiek. Huh. You know, maybe more than the steroids and the insane schedule it was the massive amount of cocaine these guys did that killed all those wrestlers. Anyone know how much coke Eddie did?

The booking card is blank for most of 2010 for WWE, except for the one note that has Triple H beating Danielson in 30 seconds to win the beat the clock challenge and win the right to take on Shawn Michaels for the world title. Underneath that it’s written ‘1997 forevz!’

Huge news as Kevin Thorn and Sinn/Kizarny were backstage at TNA Impact last night, probably doing steroids and drinking before driving. Dixie Carter saw Kevin Thorn stumbling drunkenly to his car all jacked on roids and yelled, “STOP! SOMEBODY HIRE THAT MAN!”

Let’s spoil TNA for this week and then maybe next week. I dunno. I’m running late.

Sting faces Rhino in a first round qualifying match to be part of a four way for the TNA title at whatever the next PPV is called. After Rhino inevitably loses he beats down Sting to get his 0 heat back.

Doug Williams then faces Suicide in the same kind of qualifying match. Because if anyone screams main event ready, it’s Doug Williams or Suicide.

Oooh. Motor City Machine Guns get on tv jobbing to AJ Styles. That’s better than jobbing to Abyss I guess.

In the final qualifying match, Homicide and Hernandez EXPLODE! Hernandez thanks Homicide for carrying him as long as he did by pinning him in like 3 minutes.

Daniels comes out for a promo with Joe. “I was, I mean, we were, you know. Oh man. The room is spinning. Look, Joe, the X-Division title and me, we’re like, I want it. You know? It used to mean something when you and me and AJ were all… dude! AJ! We need to get AJ into this match and then we can do what we used to do when we were doing it. Joe, what I’m trying to say is… are you looking at me with contempt? You judging me?! I’m not the fatty with the face tattoo! I don’t have ANY face tattoo! You fatty. I’m so sorry. I love you Joe.” Joe then hits him and Daniels drives off.

Christy Hemme & Tara fight Hamada and Sojo Bolt. 4 chicks? Sounds kinda like something a non-wrestling fan might like. So not gay.

AJ Styles fights Doug Williams for the chance to appear in that 4 way match with Kurt Angle and the horrible Matt Morgan. What the hell has Matt Morgan done that would even suggest people might want to pay to watch him wrestle? Anyway, I’m sure this is a nice little squash for AJ.

How long is this show? It’s only like halfway done at this point.

Sting is supposed to fight Hernandez but Eric Young comes out dressed as Hernandez and gets Hernandez disqualified. Then there’s a big thing where all the midcard heels beat up all the midcard faces in the whole company.

There’re another two girl tag team matches and The Pope fights Jay Lethal.

World Elite attempts to get Hernandez to join them by bugging Hector Guerrero. Then Dancing Stevie Richards fights Dancing Abyss.

Wow. I got bored WRITING the review of the spoilers. They have 3 tournaments going on, 2 of which the winners are obviously predictable, the other one a woman’s tag title tourney I couldn’t care less about. The top of the card features Matt Morgan, one of the worst performers on the planet, and the main event of the show is a rematch of a PPV squash match. So it sounds like a bunch of 3 minute matches interrupted by promos I could care less about. Well. Let me read the spoilers and see if it gets any better next 2 weeks.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Oooh, that’s a nice little interesting thing they’re doing with Homicide. Bad. Bad. Don’t care. Don’t care at all. OHMIGOD! Rhino vs. Bobby Lashley at the PPV! That sounds wrestlecrap bad. Girls. More interesting Homicide stuff. Two Cody Deaner vs. Chick matches. Bad. Chick stuff and Foley and Abuss stuff looks bad… and Matt Morgan in the main event. Well, I’m done with TNA for 3 weeks.

Oh! Except for one thing. Traci Brooks was supposed to be on the cover of Playboy. Instead she won’t even appear in the magazine. After she compromised her morals and sold out for what she thought would be the next level of fame and fortune it turns out that Playboy is going to email her nude photos to special subscribers. They are burying her photos. So way to go TNA! Yet another humiliating moment for the company that still has its world title on a guy caught driving around with HGH. They’re called TNA and can’t even get nudity right. You should hire Annie Social. She’ll wrestle naked for a hundred bucks, looks much hotter than Traci Brooks AND she licks pussy for like 500 more. Also, she does a pretty cool split winning move if I remember correctly. Anyway, I think it would be a nice bonus for the girls to have someone tongue massage their junk as they wrestle.

Now let’s spoil Smackdown and call it a column. Something is off this week a bit. Is the inevitable spiral beginning? Let’s find out together!

CM Punk comes out to Jeff Hardy’s music. “I bet you thought Jeff Hardy was back, didn’t you,” CM Punk asks the crowd of braying jackasses. “But no! It is I, CM Punk. Now, watch me dance!” He dances for over half an hour, breaking out such moves as the moonwalk and the robot. At first against him, the crowd cannot help but be swept in as they partake in the dancing, shaking their butt and guts and clapping along to the various dance music being played. They form a HUGE conga line for The Locomotion. Then Matt Hardy ruins everything by coming out and attacking Punk.

Finlay and The Great Khali fight Kane and Mike Knox in an Eskimo kiss showdown. To no one’s surprise, Finlay dominates with over 80 Eskimo kisses.

Vince McMahon continues his thinly veiled racist attacks on Teddy Long, calling him JTG and asking him to say the Urkel catchphrase.

Maria, Eve and Michelle were talking about Ziggler and Maria. I swear to you, this is in the spoilers, they stop discussing that and switch topics to how nice it would be to have their junk tongue massaged as they wrestled. Is Annie Social coming to the WWE? No. No, she’s not.

John Morrison solves the problem by having a 20 minutes match with Rey Mysterio for the IC title. Even though it’s just one match and the result is never in doubt, I immediately care about this match far more than I care about all of the three minute matches on TNA combined. This sounds like something I could get invested in.

R-Truth cuts a promo on Drew McIntyre. Then he goes all Pretty Ricky, hitting on dem white women while finding out if he can buy alcohol with food stamps. To be fair, I think Pretty Ricky is gone forever. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t the most super racist pro wrestling thing ever. Due to the times we live in, I’d list Pretty Ricky above Kamala and The Junkyard Dog (who was SUPER racist). Anyway, goodbye Pretty Ricky. We all wish you could have taken Tyler Reks with you to the abyss.

Maria and Eve fight Natalya and Layla to calm everything down a skootch. Oh my God! Midway through the match Annie Social runs in and starts doing lesbian stuff! Way to go WWE! You have caught my attention with this girl I’m sure many of you have never heard of.

OH! Quick note. Last week one of my readers commented that I should be on XM radio. Yeah. I bet they’re just sitting around looking for people who make jokes about wrestlers and have speech impediments. Big time here I come!

CM Punk fights Matt Hardy but Undertaker comes out and chokeslams Punk for no good reason. Then he probably chokeslams Hardy cause of that time Matt left the right when he was supposed to take a beating 5 years ago. Taker doesn’t forget!

And we’re done. If you comment below first, you can write that you were the first to comment.×120.jpg

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Total Nonstop Weekly – 03.12.2009 Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:03:18 +0000 Welcome back Pulse Readers! I enjoy doing this column each and every week. For those that haven’t read my columns on the Pulse, Total Nonstop Weekly is your weekly roundup of news, rumors, and anything else of note. I also recap the prior week’s iMPACT and preview the following episode. Due to my column being late last week, I won’t re-recap last week’s iMPACT, but you can reread what happened and check out the ratings for that show by clicking here.

TNA Expands VOD on XBox & PS3

Pulse Wrestling reader, Jason Billingsley, sent me an email saying that TNA has made available several DVD’s in the XBox Live Marketplace. For 800 Microsoft Points ($10), you can download a growing list of past PPV’s and other TNA DVD’s. You will be able to watch these DVD’s an unlimited number of times, which makes this a great deal. Not to be outdone, the PS3 Video Store has recently added past episodes of TNA iMPACT as they compete with Microsoft in this area. The cost for each iMPACT episode is $2. If you subscribe to TNA on Facebook, they mention that they are also doing this service for owners of the Microsoft Zune. Either way you slice it, thank you Jason for this news bit. If anyone has any TNA news or anything TNA related, send me an email (listed above) and I’ll give you full credit and post it in my next column.

Rapid Fire

Raisha Saeed v. ODB!

TNA recently cancelled their March 20 house show in Puerto Rico. No reason was given to the cancellation and the venue is offering refunds.

Former TNA Champion, Ken Shamrock, was recently suspended for one year by the California State Athletic Commission for testing positive for three different steroids. He is set to face off against Bobby Lashley on March 21st. No word if this suspension changes things, however.

That was quick.

“Dangerous” Danny Bonaduce to TNA

Out of ten celebrities for Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, Philadelphia radio personality, Danny Bonaduce, will be competing at the TNA Lockdown Pay-Per-View April 19th. During an interview with Kurt Angle on his show, Danny had issued a challenge to any of the CCW alumni, especially Dennis Rodman, to a match. Kurt was quick to say that he would have an opponent for Danny, should no one from CCW accept his challenge. Whoever that accepts the challenge will make his or her intentions known on March 20th during his radio show.

This isn’t the worst idea ever by a long shot. I can come up with one off the top of my head that was worse – the “Midget Division” on WWE SmackDown. I enjoyed CCW when it aired on TV and Danny Bonaduce was one of my favorites to win the whole thing. He can do the basics of a match, which should be enough to have a good match at Lockdown. It will be very interesting to see who he will face.

Between this and the signing of Survivor winner, Jenna Morasca, TNA seems to be on the up and up when it comes to signing people that doesn’t have the “stink” of WWE. Unfortunately, the money would have been used better to give Sonjay Dutt what he wanted for his contract renewal and to extend Petey William’s contract. No knock on Morasca and Bonaduce, but Dutt and Williams are your TNA Originals. Had they fired Rhaka Khan, Cute Kip, & BG James instead, then adding on Morasca and Bonaduce (if for a one shot deal) would have been better. Then again, I don’t work for TNA.

Tonight on iMPACT!

Tonight on iMPACT, we gear up for Destination X as the Main Event Mafia’s own Booker T & Scott Steiner find two partners of their choosing to take on Lethal Consequences and two partners of their choosing. With Kurt Angle and Sting having their differences, who can the Mafia find to team with them to fend off the Frontline? In Knockouts action, Taylor Wilde gets her hands on Madison Rayne. Rayne has made Wilde’s life a living hell since coming into TNA. Will Wilde get her revenge or will the Beautiful People throw a fork into her plans? In other action, Rhino takes on Sheik Abdul Bashir and Team 3-D teams with Abyss to face Beer Money and Matt Morgan in an Elimination Tag Match. What else will happen on the show? Tune into iMPACT to find out!

Destination X Card

In what looks like to be the final card to Destination X, here is what will take place this Sunday:

Kurt Angle vs. Champion “The Icon” Sting

AJ Styles v. Champion Booker T

Featuring the daredevil superstars of TNA’s X Division

Team 3D vs. champions Beer Money, Inc

Sojourner Bolt vs. champion Awesome Kong

Samoa Joe vs. “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner

Abyss v. Matt Morgan

This Week in Wrestling


On the Pulse

Jake Ziegler has a DVD Review of ROH: Rising Above 2008.
Scott Keith recaps the December 15, 1997 episode of RAW – the day Attitude was born.
Mark Allen praises JBL’s big investment decision in acquiring OVW.
Vinny T. talks about the Randy Orton/Triple H feud.
James Hatton and the Rabble Crew are back this week with another installment of the RabbleCast.

Until Next Time

Keep it here to Pulse Wrestling the rest of the week for iMPACT, SmackDown, and any late-breaking news that comes out in the wrestling world. Enjoy Destination X and see you back on Monday!×250.jpg×120.jpg

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